The Second Half of a Half-Ass
I was talking to Steve a few days ago, and he mentioned my recent update about Murphy’s Mart. And he brought up something I’d completely forgotten about…
In the rear of the store was a snack bar/restaurant kinda thing, and we would often have milkshakes there, or sundaes, or whatever.
And I can’t remember how we came up with such an idea, but we’d sometimes ask for a glass of water, hold a laminated menu over the top of it, turn it upside down on the table, and slide the menu out.
So, when we walked away we’d leave a full glass of water upside-down on the table. On one occasion, at least, we even put the tip under there.
We were obnoxious little shits, weren’t we? I’m sincerely surprised we weren’t beaten.
Have you ever noticed how time is distorted on the internet? There’s so much information and data, it almost warps the universe.
I recently received an email from a seller at half dotcom, telling me a CD had shipped to me. I banked the information, and made an unconscious calculation as to when the package would actually arrive at my door.
And on the day it felt like I should have my new CD, it didn’t arrive. The next day? Nothing, again. I started getting concerned. Was the package lost? Had I been ripped-off? At least a week had passed since the notification email was sent. Right?
Wrong. I went back and checked, and it had only been three days.
I think I’d absorbed so much information during the interim, it altered my perception of time. My brain knows approximately how long it takes to receive X number of “pooping at work” emails, newegg promotions, and baffling information from LinkedIn. And apparently a recalibration is in order.
Eventually, I believe, the internet will cause the Milky Way to fly apart.
Are you aware Netflix offers episodes of TV shows that have never been released on DVD, through their Watch Instantly service?
I wasn’t, until just a few days ago. I checked to see if the second season of Kojak had ever been released (ya gotta heart Kojak), and it hasn’t. However… you can watch every episode, from the first five seasons, online.
I had no idea. And I might start taking advantage of it this weekend, after the Canadian interlopers arrive. When Nossy decides it’s time to “reward” himself, my laptop, my headphones, and I will be making a beeline for a different room.
Do you ever use the Watch Instantly service?
I’ve never watched anything that goes on for more than three minutes on a computer. If a video is longer than that, I instantly X out of it. (I’ve got things to do, dammit.) So it might be difficult for me to be in front of a computer, and not bouncing from site to site. We’ll see.
Excuse me, but I’m going to go meet Toney at Waffle House now…
OK, I’m back. I had a ham and cheese omelet, hash browns, and bacon. And it was extra-good. The bacon was crispy and flat, like they fried it under a brick. And I fully endorse brick-fried breakfast meats.
The Secrets gave Toney an oversized Crockpot for her birthday. It came from Sam’s, and she’d been wanting it for a long time. So they bought it for her. You know, in a world where “they” means “Dad.”
Anyway, that thing’s so big a person could cook an entire human head inside it. It’s humongous. And she put something in there this morning, before leaving for work, that’s making the house smell so good I’m about to start crying.
And I’m reasonably sure it’s not a head.
When I saw Paul Weller in concert a couple months ago, a band called The Rifles opened for him. And they sounded damn good. I’ve been trying to find their album for a decent price, but have had no luck. Check it out.
So, I was wondering… Are any of you familiar with this download service? It’s obviously British, and apparently legitimate. Do you know of any reason why I couldn’t download the album from them? mp3 is mp3, right?
With the current exchange rate, it would cost me about $11.50, and I’m cool wit dat. I don’t want to get it from some illegal Russian outfit, or a service based on a barge anchored off the coast of Haiti. I’d like the band to get paid their dime, or whatever. Ya know?
Any reason it wouldn’t work for me?
My aunt was a teenager during the late 1960s and I remember her using the term “suck my nose!” a lot during that period. I guess it was the “in” phrase at the time? I don’t know.
“Oh, she can suck my nose!” she’d holler. And, “I wanted to tell those people they could just suck my nose…” And that sort of thing.
I was a little kid then, and took everything literally. And the whole concept of nose-sucking made my stomach churn. Sweet sainted mother of Spin & Marty! Indeed, I remember my grandmother yelling at her, telling her to quit using such filthy language.
Wonder why the phrase didn’t last? I haven’t heard anyone use it in forty years. And it seems like a perfectly good alternative to “kiss my ass.” Wonder why it didn’t take-hold?
What are some other kiss my asses that have become extinct? Does “suck a rod” count? Some guy in my high school had a t-shirt with that printed on the front, and wore it at least twice a week. Heh. It was homemade, with iron-on letters.
And I’ll leave you now with a simple Question: what’s the most recent text message you’ve received on your phone? No need to explain the context, unless you want to, just give us the message.
“Did you let him have it?” is mine. What’s yours?
Have a great weekend, boys and girls.
Surf Report t-shirts available soon!
Filed under: Daily
Wheeeeee!!!!!!!!
Whatever happened to “Up your nose with a rubber hose?”
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second?
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3rd!
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My great-grandmother used to say that people could “shit and fall back in it”. I’m not sure that was ever a popular phrase, though.
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last text recieved: “FAIL. Why not?”
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I’ve heard ‘Shit and Fall back in it’. Suck an Egg was always a clean version of kiss my ass that I thought worked well.
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Thanks Jeff…..now all I can think about is head. I want some head so badly now.
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Top 10!
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Top ten? I’ll believe it when I count it. Last text message: “Do you have lunch on Dec 1st?”
I sure hope so!
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“Did not work”
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T-shirts… My wife just order a free t-shirt for my college age daughter without knowing what it said. It was for the ‘Sweedish Fish Candy company’. Anyways the shirt shows up with ‘A Friend You Can Eat’ on the front of the shirt. Nothing else; no logo, no trademark, nothing.
Would you let your college age daughter walk around campus with ‘A friend you can eat’ t-shirt.
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With me or to me?
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I use the watch instantly option on Netflix all the time. I love it. I don’t do text messages often. My last one is probably from my cell phone company with some nifty “update” or something.
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My favorite grandmother saying was “Son of a Biscuit Eater!”
Text: Just licked it for a while….it was nice.
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Latest text: I’ll see if Mom can bring some.
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Oh, and I forgot to give the Surf Reporters the heads up, Deep Discount DVD is having their twice a year sale…sorry, ends Sunday 11/23, but 25% off everything with Coupon Code: Deep, and free shipping from them, as always. I am stocking up for Christmas as we speak/
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Last text message from college age daughter “what does a freind you can eat mean?”
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Text message from my girlfriend… “I’m so proud”
She was being sarcastic.
I was excited about my Zune software update and finally, FINALLY, my device plays were being counted. I’m totally obsessed with having the number 1 position in my group of friends. I leave the Zune program on the PC running all the time to boost those numbers.
I don’t really use the Zune device that much unless I’m traveling or at my girlfriend’s house. But when that bitch updated, it boosted my numbers by over 1,200!
I may need an intervention.
Zune owners hit me up… My tag is Cultradio.
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The President of my company uses the term “Go butt a stump” in place of “Kiss my ass.” I imagine it means something along the lines of “go fuck yourself up the ass with a tree stump.”
My last text message: “U do some shit? I am confused.”
Take from that what you will.
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Last text: Dinner?
My grandfather used to use Son of a Biscuit, and I’ve heard shit and fall back in it. I’m Italian, so all the nasty phrases were in Italian, sorry. Baci mi culo was heard a lot.
Blixa Bargeld tomorrow night! And, after getting laid off on monday and being the recipient of not one, but TWO $50 tickets this week, I’d say it will be the highlight of my week!
Happy Friday, Surfers! Have a great weekend!
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My mom says, “suck my liver.” And I haven’t heard “kiss my grits” since Flo said it on Mel’s diner.
My last text says, and I quote, “Which fking Hm Depot are you at? I’ve been standing at the appliances for 30 min now. Wearing a red shirt.”
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Last Text message:
We need to spray for spiders PLEASE
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Great T Shirt phrase: Salmon the other pink meat !
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Last Text:
Terrible day today. 68 dollars. It will be a fantastic day tomorrow!
Let’s hope so.
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Last text: “beer?” and that was at 10:30 this morning…
And JK I just made your LinkedIn spam go up by one!
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Latest TXT: Im done, doe & decent 8 pt
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Last text message received…New Gravel
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Most recent text: “HI!” from Thing 1. Three days ago.
Phrase that should have been retained over time “sit on it and rotate.” I don’t think it matters what ‘it’ is, quite frankly. The whole notion of spinning is enough, once the sitting’s accomplished.
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Last text: Quit sending me those Obama jokes- Its not my fault your guy didn’t win.
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Last text message: “It’s how big?”
My grandmother used the term “shitfire” all the time and also threatened to “jerk a knot in my tail” on a regular basis.
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txt: “is tonight pizza night”
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Dad used to say “Go piss up a flag pole” or “Go pound sand”…ha…old people…
Txt: “I’ll eat Chinese”
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Love the WVSR cam pic! Thanks, man.
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Last text I got was “In December I’ll know more about it. But don’t count on there being a job. I’ll definitely let you know as soon as i know though.”
Basically, I asked my friend about a dee-jay job. Oh well.
A phrase my mother still says a lot is “sit and spin”. It was hilarious when I was little, and it’s even better now. Good times.
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last textmessage:
from my sister-in-law via twitter
”
bentpagessi: 576f6d656e2077686f2068617665206f6e6520746f6f206d616e79206d617274696e69732077697468206c756e636820657175616c732066756e20747261696e2072696465
“
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My latest text says: “So she paying him support”
And i watch the new episodes of CSI days later on CBS’s website because the new ones come on at nine and I usually go to bed then. I am a party animal!
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters………….
No text message. Why? (you may wonder)…. I am one of the last human beings on this big blue spinning ball that does not own a cell phone, or a palm pilot, or a blackberry.. nada.
When I want to get a message to someone, I resort to scrawling it on paper, tying it to a rock or brick then hurling it through said message recepient’s window. It may be primative, but that’s how I roll.
As far as sayings that you don’t here a lot anymore, my Dad, as well as I, use the phrase “go tell ‘em to go pound salt up his ass.” when replying to an undesirable request.
Have great weekend everyone!
Reporting in at the WVSR, I’m JCIII
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Last text: f u
“Cool beans” is a saying I remember but rarely hear anymore. It’s my opinion it originated in Beaver Falls PA sometime in the 1970s. But I can’t remember how I arrived at that opinion.
And I still don’t know “shit from shinola”
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My last text message “Did you know that most homicides occur at work?” I was at work at the time and I didn’t recognize the number, so it was really freaky. Then I realized it was the bul**** text service I accidently signed up for while trying to do something on Facebook. I unsubscribed in two seconds flat, because I didn’t want it in the first place and I sure don’t need that level of drama!
As for Netflix instant watch, it is a godsend in airpports or when I am away on business and bored. My kids use i all the time when I have to take them back to my office after school/
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Text: good night
You don’t hear “eat my shorts” much anymore. Knew a guy in school that would say “eat my ass”…
F*ck a duck….
I once heard someone say Suck my big toe…
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Tadpolegal -
I just got a very off color (but funny) one about Obama’s new Christmas drink…
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Spin and Marty? I know Sid and Marty, but not spin.
Last text was too long winded but about a friend I asked out for drinks.
I’ll show her, I’m drinking now.
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Most recent text…
LOL. Thtat’s just trouble waitin’ 2 happen.
To which I replied…
Absolutely! But of the good sort!
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Hey Bill…………………What about Bitchbastard?
)
Last text …..Pizza sounds great.
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TEXT rec’d: If we r gng 2 bahamas i wnt 2 buy u a new set of boobys to go with
Sayings “Hell Far Fuzzy (pronounced fire) ” ,said with a heavy southern accent or “Shit fire and save matches” or my own personal favorite “Well shit the bed”
I have to edit myself because of my kids and so I say
“Jiminy Christmas” alot, and “Son of a basket”
The Kids watch the new Star Wars clone Wars Cartoons on line sometimes and I have watched
several episodes of TV shows I have missed.
The bosses son (28) watches movies on his work computer all day while I read comments on The WVSR.
Bout it.
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Adam-
They just keep rolling in- I have to pass them on to all my “left” friends- I just cant resist. They are so funny!
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My wife ordered my T-shirt today. I shall wear it to school as soon as possible.
Last text: What are petches?
I watched a netflix show on my 40″ LCD with a wireless broadband card and was really dissapointed with the pictuire quality. It was very distored and pixelated.
The NCB HD downloads rock.
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last text received: “december 2nd at 11:15 a.m.!”
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Two more sayings I just thought of, what we used to say in Texas.
If you’re real busy or stressed you say, “I’m up to my ass in alligators.”
If someone is confused or doesn’t know what he’s doing you say, “He doesn’t know whether to shit or go blind.”
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Last text: I ain’t hip.
I remember ‘shit fire and save the matches’ being big when I was a kid. Haven’t heard it in a while.
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My most recent text message: “How is work? I told ******** she has to eat some prunes.”
Man, was I ready for that question.
Buck Out
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“Go beat your meat with a stick!”
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Last text,
Yes sorry
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Last text: “cant see anything.”
What am I, like number 80 or something? Man I’ve been busy at work today.
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Text: “Time will tell… I think pepcid just makes it feel better.”
Obviously I’m having issues.
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Ok. You will LOVE this one from hubby:
“Shoo goo worked”
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Last txt: Oh no, is he ok?
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last text: Awesome!!!
it was from the wife, but of course it was not in regards to me.
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last text: “Nah, I’ll just let it all out. I can only shit so much, right?”
Obviously a text from Brandy.
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Last text rec’d: “IM me.”
So, I got a text asking for an Instant Message…
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“Where’d you go?”
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she’s lying… I swear.
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Nose sucking??
How about when someone tells you to shut up…
“I don’t shut up, I grow up, you blow up, I throw up, you lick it up”
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UPDATE: my new most recent text: “My apologies for the wvsr comment i just posted hahahahahahahahahahahaha”
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last text:
“Like I said never heard of him…”
long story.
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UPDATE: my new most recent text: ‘FUCK YOU”
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Coolio
?Okay?
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Text Update: Cock-tales?
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tadpolegal – let’s hear the obama joke!! I know i’m not sick of them yet.
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I don’t give a rats ass…
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Jeff: 7 Digital is legit they have been around since 2004 they have a partnership with Bebo.com in the States-You might want to compare prices there! Either way you should be O.K. with the download!
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last text “snot sucking cum eating pig”
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Best sayings: My Irish Granma would look any one of her 7 grown up sons in the eye (including my dad!) and say: “I brought you into this world I can certainly take you out!” My Uncles are all big lads 6′+ She was all of 5″ 2” about 90lbs:)
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Last text, I swear…
“The wedding’s off”
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Last text – “tomorrow”
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Last series of texts:
ex-girlfriend: Motley Crue is coming back!
Kevin: I know! Got my GA ticket via presale yesterday! Are u gonna go?
ex-girlfriend: No one to go with.
Is that a hint that I should invite her along? I would if she could re-think her rules on post relationship sex. I guess that sounds really shallow, what can I say? I’m single and I love to do the things that I love to do. For the record I’m not talking about disrespecting her, mistreating her or kissing and telling…just some mutually enjoyable one on one time between old friends. end tangent.
Expression that I haven’t heard in a while (and I apologize in advance for the use of the c word): “cunt hair” used as a unit of measure. When I worked in a garage during my high school years, my boss was fond of the term. Most often used while under a car, trying to wedge some part onto another part: “C’mon Kevi, we just need to move it a cunt hair to the left and it’ll slide right on.” (Best part time job ever…included test driving cars to make sure the work was “done right”. I still remember cruising past cheerleading practice at the age of 16…in a Corvette convertible. In 2008 Southern Cali that might not mean anything but in 1991 rural Richmond, Ontario, Canada it was pretty cool. end tangent 2.)
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Some archaic putdowns: “Go jump in a lake!”, “Go soak your head!”, “I know you are but what am I?”, “Grody to the max!”, “Stick it where the sun don’t shine!”, “You’re square.”
Last text message: “Was evry1 out on the fuckin road when u left?”
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Last text: “that’s going in style. I’m just hoping for a taxi to take me out.”
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From my 20yr old son at college in NC
Hey mom, me and some of the guys are going camping in the mountains this weekend.
Should i be scared?????????????/
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My last text message was my balance. Every time I “swipe my stripe” I get a text message telling me what my balance is.
We bought a shit ton of firewood on the way home from work today. It is cracklin now… Mmmm.
My brother *might* have made up this exclamation:
“Cheese N Rice”
(Instead of saying Jesus Christ)
Curious if anyone else out there has heard of this.
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“Eventually, I believe, the internet will cause the Milky Way to fly apart.”
That’s the best line i’ve heard in a long time…it has inspired me to attach it to every e-mail i send. my new signature line! with jeff kay and thewvsr. ackowledged of course!
latest text mesg rec’d: “howzit?”
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Last Text:
Hiya, just checking in, As for me, one down, and one (possibly two) to go. (in the sack, that is!) Woo Hoo! This is so much fun!!! *&^%$#
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Cheese and Rice has been around for awhile, Citizen X. Another variation is “Cheese and Crackers!”
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Ohio State!!!! One more day. Anyone else care?
The older I get the more I realize there’s more to life than OSU, Penn State and Notre Dame. Damn it Dad, you could have warned me!!!
Same with Schlitz, Gennessee and Iron City.
I mean, really, how’s a girl to know if her dad doesn’t tell her?
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Qweezy,
Keep that “Pimp-Hand” strong.
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most recent text message:
hlp me move ths fucker! hes too hevy to lift an i need to get him out of here b4 dark. brng me sum towel 2.
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Here is a neat story. My brother narrowly missed being named as one of the top ten in “4th Quarter Power Rankings” by Inside Track News [ Canada's top racing magazine! ]
**THIS LIST IS A INSIDETRACKNEWS.COM EXCLUSIVE AND IS INTENDED TO BE POSTED ON THIS FORUM ONLY** [OOPS!]
I compiled this list because I felt the 10 spots I was given in next month’s issue of Inside Track Magazine wasn’t enough room to pay homage to some of the talented rookies that hit the scene in 2008.
These following drivers are the ones that just missed the cut for the final Power Rankings.
They are posted in no particular order
Lane Zardo (Flamboro Mini Stock)
Coming into the 2008 season, 12 year-old Lane Zardo had some pretty big shoes to fill. After all, he comes from one of the most storied racing lineages in the province, including his cousin Petey Shepherd and older brother Billy “Z3″ Zardo. The Brampton (Ontario) pre-teen didn’t disappoint, as he found himself rubbing fenders with the front-runners by the second half of the season, while being very easy on his equipment. While an announcement has yet to be made regarding Lane’s choice of class in 2009, he has cemented himself as one of the leaders of the next generation of racers, heading into his sophomore year.
Doug M**** (Capital City Speedway Mini Stock)
It’s no secret, one of the quickest ways to learn is to race as much as possible, at as many different tracks as possible. Capital City Speedway’s Doug M**** got the message loud and clear. Upon moving to the Mini Stock division, after winning the 2007 CCS Four Fun championship, M**** took it upon himself to take his show on the road. On July 4th, M**** picked up the win in a prestigious 50-Lap Invitational at Kawartha Speedway. How did he celebrate? Run the very next night at Peterborough Speedway and take home a top-5 finish. With Doug’s brother (edit: cousin) Matt being crowned CCS’ 2008 Mini Stock champion, it’s evident he comes from a good racing program; So if you’re at a big-money Mini Stock event in 2009, don’t be surprised to see the M**** family making a beeline for the podium.
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Last text received: “Yeah but I eat around the noodles”
Last text sent: “Have u eaten lasagna post-lapband?”
How can you eat lasagna and not eat the noodles? Blasphemy!
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Jeff, I have never been able to stream or upload mp3′s from NME for some reason, but it probably has less to do with the fact its British and everything to do with the fact that I suck at this kind of thing.
I didn’t have any problems getting the Radiohead album, though. and have you gotten “The Bends” yet? Hmmmm???
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Sorry I am so late to this game. My last text message is “The ppl at Daddios are a bunch of cuntfaced faggots. Never go there”
A phrase from childhood that I miss would have to be “Up your butt with a rubber nut” I still have no idea what it means!
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Jeff, I stumbled across The Rifles this spring, They have found a home on the “pod”. Here’s where I found them. Do with is what you will, I just checked the link, it’s good.
http://www.forumw.org/viewtopic.php?t=606849&highlight=rifles
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Last text message received:
“Sweet ass man” ha
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“Do dad and Kathie know yet?”
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emusic.com and hulu.com should take care of all of your music and TV craving…straigh ‘way…
jeff. if you do one thing this weekend, buy the current Fleet Foxes album. not sure if you’ve already heard/talked about it….but for chrisstsakes….its worth your money. worth. it. pass. beer. nutz. fukin. a
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What is that on the WVSR cam? I can’t take my eyes from it. Is it a sea plant of some sort? Bacon? What? I can’t stop looking at it. Very odd.
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my spelling was atrocious
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Jeez, sorry I’m late.
Last text:
Subject: yo buddy
sup pal Symbol AFDM African Diamond Co Special Alerrt to investrs
From: bibbbxa@np-nord.com
Yes, I get a lot of text message spam. No, I have no compunction about publishing this in-duh-vidual’s (obviously bogus) email address.
Odd expressions that you don’t hear much anymore… all that comes to mind right now is “shit a brick”.
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@ CitizenX I have heard of the Cheese and Rice,
but not because I know you and your brother, but because
I heard my daughter say it one day. Then we were are
the bank and the teller said it. It’s all over up here.
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Old expression: “nervous as a dog shittin’ razor blades”
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A derivative of cheese and rice that my old college roomie used to say was “Jeezums Crow.” We started using that one at first to make fun of him and then it just stuck for a few years. Only fitting, he started inserting “Dude” into just about every sentence… evidently that one never made it’s way down to Florida (where he was from)?
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Good Morning Surf Reporters,,,,,,,,,
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Beaver Falls? Rick where you from?
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Jeff-Mr. Moo hooks up the laptop to the Big Ass TV and we stream Netflix and it works great.
Last text sent:
Oh no! You’re not one of them are you? Anyone you know?
Last text received:
Miss kitties
Miss you miss yoor pats
Miss your cheestoast
Miss your boobs!
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Anyone else excited and quivering in anticipation for the “exclusive” that is supposedly coming?
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Text:Caw! Caw!
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Cheese-n-Rice – I remember hearing that on some variety show in the mid-70s and thinking that was just the funniest and coolest way to get away with blasphemy EVER … of course – I was only 8 years old at the time but I doubt Gretchen’s brother made it up.
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We once gave my Big Lou a fathers day card with a guy on the cover yelling “Jeepers H. Christmas!” at his kids.
I like that one.
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Spiffy: Not my brother, Citizen X’s brother.
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Last text update:
Need shackle code, box no. 7698.
I missed the super duper secret update.
Me no understand. I even bought 2 Tshirts.
Oh well, fill me in on the fun.
Last text sent: How about answering the fing phone?
I get a little testy sometimes.
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“Does “suck a rod” count?”
A RESOUNDING NO!!!!
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Most recent text:
FREE MESSAGE – Your temporary password is xxxxxx, to access your account, log in at http://www.att.com
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Last text recieved from younger cousin who just moved into my neighborhood:
“What street is the Krogers on? With all the fine girls? So I can go after work and buy me some TV dinners.”
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last text message: Alright
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Most recent texts from REALLY drunk friend-
“We r gon to frifrkatje”
another one- “go to wak9brj”
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the lack of a Monday update can only mean one thing….. that is was a giant cluster f*%! at the Compound this weekend!!
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“Never mind … I see it on the fridge LOVE U”
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My last text was: “See you in Miami”
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WVSR Update FAIL.
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Phone auto-erased my last message.
That “feature” has been disabled.
Where’s Jeff?
The inmates are runnin’ the asylum again.
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To Airandee: At my favorite local bakery I saw a teenage girl wearing a shirt that said ASK ME ABOUT MY STICKY BUNS. I wondered why her parent(s) let her out of the house wearing that.
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Last text message: From Jeff – Help, compound over run by translucents, Nancy and Nostrils running amuck, Tony and Secrets have left the building for their safety.
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Ok… so I guess I’ll repost my most recent text message since I’ve got nothing else to do but work…
“Crickets and Scruffs and Treffs and more!”
Local bars… Crickets is an orgiastic feast of the senses… I think they’ve got over 100 beers on tap… check out their menu at http://www.cricketsgrill.com/waco.html… sometimes you can hang with the secret service guys if W is at the ranch.
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whoops… my elipse ran into my link: http://www.cricketsgrill.com/waco.html
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Text Update : Broke a house today….time to drink.
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“Don’t forget the canoe!!”
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Regarding the Bunker Cam- Really?
And further evidence? Jeepers H. Christmas.
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Last text message: Could u send me recipe 4 mushroom gravy? Please.
I’m pretty sure that’s self-explanatory.
As much as I love Netflix, I’m pissed that I can’t watch any of their Watch Now shows/movies/etc, because I have a Mac.
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