Toney made an executive decision this morning, and turned off my alarm clock before it could start chirpin’. And I slept for a good long time. She thought it might help me shake the cold (typhoid) that’s had me in its grip for several days. And I do feel better. By tomorrow I should be acting like a goddamn fool at almost full capacity again.
After I finally lifted myself off the platform, around 11:30 am, I went downstairs and poured a cup of coffee. “Snow?” I said, looking out the window, still unable to form full sentences. Nobody answered me, but it looked like there was three or four new inches out there.
I shuffled into the bunker, and immediately expelled about 50 cubic feet of intestinal gas. Then, right on cue, Toney walked in and started to tell me something. She got about five words into her first sentence, stopped, and changed her expression to something equal measures surprise, fear, and revulsion.
Then she fled, mumbling a string of words that I’m fairly certain included “disgusting” and “pig.”
After I stopped laughing, I played around on the internet for a few minutes. I noticed that Suggestaholic was down, because I’d failed to renew the domain name. So, I went over to GoDaddy and sent them seven bucks — and my dead site was alive again. But, of course, it’s still dead, when you get right down to it. I haven’t posted anything there for months.
Toney and I shoveled the driveway. And when we finished, one of the Secrets asked if we could get Chinese food for lunch. I looked at Toney and she shrugged, which means, “Sound good to me.”
So, I took a quick shower and was seated in front of a steaming platter of cashew chicken before I knew it. Good stuff. Ever since that place removed their buffet table (hick hook), it’s become really good. We’re there twice a month, at least. And they usually seat us at “our” table.
After the Big Chinese Feed we went to Target, for some reason. It seemed almost deserted when we walked through the doors, but it was deceiving. What the customers lacked in number, they more than made up for with obnoxiousness.
It felt like everyone in the store was inconsiderate and pushy. People would come rocketing out of side aisles, shoving red carts full of kitty litter and enormous bras, cut us off and just keep on movin’. Nobody was respecting anyone’s personal space, and big white trash mamas were SCREAMING at their filthy monster children:
“Amber! Don’t do that, Amber!! No, put that down. Did you hear me? PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!! Do you want Mama to buy you a sody? Well, you’d better put that down! AMBER? AMBER, YOU LISTEN TO ME!!”
I could feel an aneurysm bubbling-up on the surface of my brain.
Here’s an idea… Maybe you should do something besides holler, you acid-wash, snaggle-tooth hag. Hollering ain’t gonna cut it. In case you haven’t noticed, Amber isn’t listening anymore. Long ago she stopped hearing the loud noises that emanate constantly from your discount cigarette hole. So, do something, besides screaming inside retail stores.
I also saw a guy there whose head was way forward, his neck hyper-extended. Know what I mean? What do they call that condition, headlong? I’m not sure, but he also had a severe underbite. So, if he ever walked into a wall, his lower jaw would arrive first, followed by his nose, and his forehead. Then, a long time later: his body.
I started wondering, as I watched this curious dude putter around the battery aisle, about his swallowing abilities. Will a throat work horizontally? Does a swallow rely on gravity a great deal, or can it be accomplished straight across like that? I’m unclear on it, but I’d like to know.
After Target we went to Wegmans, where I purchased a six-pack of Fuller’s London Pride. They didn’t have any in the cooler, so I was forced to buy ’em at room temperature. But that problem was quickly solved, once we got home.
Check out my fancy backyard beer cooler. Man, that shit works too!
And that’s the reason this one is late. Did you notice any writing time in there anywhere? Yeah, neither did I. Not an ounce of writing time.
But on this final update of 2009, I want to thank you guys again, for coming here every day and participating in the ridiculousness. I appreciate it more than you know.
And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to continue drinking…
Happy New Year, everyone!