The Premature Death of a Droid

I was at work on Monday, and picked up my phone to check emails.  I tapped the power button and nothing happened.  I hit it again, and it was deader than a Taco Bell chicken.  What the crap?

I played around with the thing and held down buttons, and removed, then replaced the battery.  It wouldn’t come back to life, no matter what.  And I started to worry.  Had my Droid, gulp, passed over?  It was still so young.

When I got home I visited two or three Android forums, to see if anyone had experienced something similar.  The screen was now glowing faintly, and the back was hot.  I kept taking out the battery, because I was becoming concerned.  And the moment I replaced it, the phone would start doing all its wacky stuff again.  I couldn’t find anything of value in the forums.

I’d just have to take it to the Verizon store the next morning.  There’s a new one a few blocks from our house, and I suspected the phone just required a quick fix of some sort.  What I believe are huge gadgetry issues, are generally no big deal. (Ha!)  So, I removed the battery and went to bed.

The next day I took the thing into the new store, and it was tiny.  Nothing like the big mondo Verizon near the mall.  I handed the guy my phone and started telling him my story.  He just grunted, and immediately removed the back panel from the ailing Droid.  The dude wasn’t listening to a word I was saying.

“This phone’s been wet,” he said.

“No it hasn’t,” I told him, instantly steamed.  “It’s never been wet, not ever.”

“I’m not calling you a liar, of course, but I think it’s been wet.”

“Well, you’re wrong,” I said, anger rising only minutes after I’d gotten out of bed.  He wasn’t calling me a liar (oh no), just claiming that everything out of my mouth was untrue.  Grrr…

Then he wanted to know my password, and I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about.  “Your Verizon password,” he said.

“I don’t know. Can’t you just look it up by my phone number?”

“No, I can’t do anything without your password.  I can’t aks for tech support, or anything,” he said, while handing my phone back to me and washing his hands of the whole thing.

Yes, it was quite a fruitful endeavor.

Before I left, some other poor schmuck walked in, and the Verizon guy was also demanding his password.  A confused “What?  What do you mean?” was the last thing I heard as I was passing through the front door.

While driving to the “real” store in the next town, I grew angrier and angrier about what had just happened.  I bet that guy accuses every customer of getting their phones wet.  That’s probably the standard answer, regardless of the question.  Because a wet phone will void a warranty faster than a post-Milwaukee’s Best assplosion.

If these other guys start going down the wetness route, I mumbled to myself, I’m body-rolling over the counter on ‘em.  Not literally, of course; I’m not Mel Gibson.  But I could feel a full-on Sunshine episode building.  And I hadn’t even had more than half a cup of coffee yet.  It was too much, too soon.

As I entered the mondo Verizon store, a man stormed past me, and yelled, “This is bullshit!  This place is nothing but bullshit!!”

Uh oh.

I put my name on the waiting list, and started playing around with the display phones.  And steeling myself for battle.  After about ten minutes, I heard someone say, “Jeff?”  And I followed the guy to the back of the store.

And he was great.  Very friendly, respectful, and not at all infuriating.  He took my phone to some inner sanctum, to check it out under a microscope, or whatever.  And when he returned, he said, “Yeah, it’s not the battery, like I’d hoped.  It’s the phone itself.  It crapped out for some reason. We can’t get it to boot-up, so we’ll have to replace it.”

All this without a password?

Unfortunately, they didn’t have any Droids in stock, so they’re mailing me one.  I’m supposed to have it on Thursday.  Under normal circumstances I would’ve complained about them being out of stock (again!), but I was just happy the word “wet” wasn’t introduced.

Indeed, the guy added, “Your phone is in good shape, it doesn’t look like it’s been abused or anything, and there’s no sign of moisture.  This just happens sometimes, with ALL smartphones.”

I went home, and found my old LG enV, and charged it up.  Then I called Verizon, and they temporarily activated it, so I won’t have to go phoneless until Thursday.

It sucks that my Droid died at such a young age, but I’m happy with the way Verizon handled it.  Well, how the second Verizon handled it, anyway…  That first guy can ram it deep and on a slant.

Have you ever had to go back to a previous cell phone?  It’s weird, man.  The thing is completely familiar, but also unfamiliar, if you know what I mean.  It’s disconcerting.  I’d forgotten, however, about the enV’s kick-ass texting keyboard.  That thing is nothing short of excellent.

So, there you go.  That’s why I didn’t update on Tuesday.  And I don’t really have a Question for you guys, either.  Maybe you can tell us about returning to something, or someplace, after an extended period.  A few years ago I was in Dunbar, and walked my old paper route.  And brother, that almost made my brain explode.

Thanks for reading this stuff, and I’ll see ya next time.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
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117 Responses to “The Premature Death of a Droid”

  1. First??

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  2. Sweet!

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  3. 3rd!

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  4. Jeff, that’s funny because I actually just had to go back to my old phone last Friday, also back to my EnV. I bought a LG Dare off of Ebay about 6 months ago, and last Thursday we went out to eat with the bf’s family, and somehow I had managed to poke a hole in the touch screen of it while it was in my purse. Is it weird to say that I was actually happy about it? I actually hated the Dare, I couldn’t text on it for shit, and pretty much everything else about it pissed me off. I’m pissed that I spent $140 bucks on it, and if I’d known how much I was going to hate it I wouldn’t have, but it was a nice feeling pulling my old phone back out. The keyboard definitely is awesome, when I get my upgrade in November, I plan on getting the updated version of the EnV because I like it that much. Smartphones aren’t my thing.

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  5. We moved to a new office, and after a week or two I had to go back to the other office to grab a few remaining items. Weird in many ways. Instead of the usual brightness and noise, only a couple of lights were on and it was tomb-quiet. With no cubes & tables around the place seemed way bigger than it used to, plus you could see all the terribly worn spots on the carpet where chairs roll around at desks.

    It was so eerie I almost forgot to pee in the sink. Almost.

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  6. Oh I forgot to mention that I had a dream last night that there was a Surf Report party and we all met up and drank, everyone was introducing themselves as their nicknames and the party was in someone’s basement. It was a good time.

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  7. Brittany, we’re all dying to know – what did we all look like in your dream. I think there are only 3 or 4 pictures that show some people in all there glory on this site so it would be fun to see what your dream brain conjured up.

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  8. I have something BETTER than a smart phone. I have the bottom of the line Nokia. No internet, no bluetooth, no flipping bits, no sliding thing. The damn thing was free and has been working fine for 3 YEARS!

    If I find myself suddenly not being able to live without some app, I’ll just ask some nearby schmuck. Folks with smartphone look for any reason to whip them out and wave them in your face.

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  9. Brittney… sorry, about that typo – everyone deserves to have their name spelled correctly…

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  10. Brittney – we have a basement large enough for all the Surf Reporters who could attend! Wouldn’t that be fun?

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  11. I have something BETTER than a bottom of the line Nokia. I have a green bean can with string glued to the bottom. No internet, no bluetooth, no flipping bits, no sliding thing, no phone service, no communication with the non-smug. The damn thing cost .79 at Aldi and has been working fine for 3 YEARS!

    If I find myself suddenly not being able to live without feeling superior to people who enjoy something, I’ll just ask some nearby schmuck. Folks with bottom of the line Nokia phones look for any reason to whip them out and wave them in your face.

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-constantly-mentioning-he-doesnt-own-a-tel,429/

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  12. Good Morning Surf Reporters……

    I lead a very mundane life. I don’t go anywhere. I don’t do anything but work. Wait that’s not true. After I work, I smoke and drink my face off almost every night. With the occasional golf excursion or poker game thrown in the mix, but really that’s it.

    As far as phones go, I’ve mentioned it before here; I got my first cell phone just this last Christmas. It’s just a bit more advanced than junkfood’s green bean can.

    If I want to text, it’s the old fashion way. Typing the letter “S”, for example, requires pushing the number 7 four times, etc. etc.

    Aside from calls and texting, I don’t take pictures or movies with it. I don’t think I can access the Internet with it, at least I’ve never tried, but it doesn’t seem feasible. And if it is possible, I’m sure Verizon would charge me a metric shit ton of money to do it. So I don’t.

    Oh, I do use it for an alarm clock every morning, and usually I don’t hear it.

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  13. Lucky 13

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  14. The Verizon store on route 6 (by the mall) is the only one to go to. Everyone of the other kiosks/cubbyholes, etc. are shitholes manned by pieces of shit.

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  15. This is EXACTLY WHY I left Verizon. I tried to log in online, and then got shut out during the “reset password” then I called them and they said they couldn’t help me without…you guessed…an effing password. I moved to AT&T (a far far less superior network, and equally shitty customer service) but a least I now know my password now.
    Oh and Best Buy screwed me over royally on my very first iPod claiming the “moisture” nonsense. Ugh!

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  16. Hahaha, yes, we all fit in this person’s basement but it was a tight squeeze, why a basement you ask? No idea. I’m sure the people that my brain conjured up to match the names were completely off, and I faintly recall that I was the youngest one there aside from a small emo kid, who isn’t even on the surf, but works at the grocery store I went too yesterday. I kept seeing him in the store and going, “Man that kid looks small” and in my dream I saw him run by and thought, “Man that kid looks small”.

    Otherwise it was kind of fuzzy :( I’m sorry. I do know that we were all wasted, and Jeff did come despite is fear of personally meeting us. Which I don’t blame him, there could be some rapists or something trying to get in his pants, you never know.

    It was entertaining, and ETW, if we have a party, I vote your basement as the location! Either that or a roller disco if one still exsisted.

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  17. My JOB gave me a crackberry that sits in the cradle all the time and I have a personal Samsung phone from AT&T that I have had for 2 years (time for the upgrade). I was thinking of going with the Droid since I use my phone for everything, pictures aren’t bad but the video could be a lot better. I even have some music on it but I think I will be take it off since I never play it (don’t have bluetooth headphones and I use my iPod for music listening). With Jeff’s experience with his Droid and the issues reported with the new iPhone, I may be looking at a different alternative like the Motorola i1. If Mike Rowe can’t kill it, it must be tough.

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  18. Brittney: Are you sayin’ we’re all old fucks?

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  19. I used to work for Cingular in Tech Support first in a call center then in an actual store. Although I do suspect the first guy was a crackhead, I think the reason why he thought it was wet is because when you remove usually the battery, or sometimes dismantle the phone entirely (don’t do that, though), there is a white small circle that looks like nothing. But once it comes in contact with any moisture ((sweat, water, steam (if the the phone itself craps out & emits a lot of heat), etc.)), the white circle turns a light shade of pink, blue or red. And no, it won’t be pregnant. That just shows that somehow moisture got into the phone, more than likely causing it to die. The symptoms you described would definitely make me think wet too, but if you say it never got wet I would have taken YOUR word over the phone’s (heh) & done whatever I could to hook you up with a new phone, same model, if desired. The idiot boy who didn’t do that deserves his $7/hr. next job flippin’ burgers and mouth breathing over the fry station.
    I myself want to upgrade my iPhone to the new one but the bad reports coming out are scaring me away. I guess I’ll stick with this one for a big longer….

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  20. Melissa, The second guy examined the phone a lot closer than the first, and said, “there’s no sign of moisture.” Wouldn’t he be looking at the same white dot?

    It irritates me when I’m put into a position where I have to prove that something that never happened, never happened. And I don’t like to be called a liar. I’ll never set foot in that bastard’s store again, and I hope his scrotum turns black and falls off.

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  21. A packed basement full of surf reporters was one of the techniques used at Abu Ghraib right?

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  22. I am a bit confused by the further evidence link. Is it some sort of internet joke I’m not getting?

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  23. As a soon to be former AT&T sales rep, I can tell you most new phones have a set of liquid damage indicators. Typically 2-3. They’re hidden on most phones now, so we know where to look, but the general public does not. The goofballs in the kiosks are typically not trained to the standards a corporate store employee is. And per retail 101– don’t ever accuse the customer of getting it wet if the liquid damage indicators are still white. It’s a good way to piss people off and get your ass jumped in the parking lot after hours. And @Melissa– wait a bit on your iPhone 4… The problems will be fixed in the next few weeks from what we hear, but I’d hold off about 2 months until all the bugs are worked out.

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  24. First!!!!!!

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  25. @Kristin
    if you look in your address bar it is called unevengoogle.com
    the screen is slanted and when you type in the google search area the letters dont line up. seems like a lot of work for so little reward.

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  26. Aww, crappy slow internet connection!! Somehow you all managed to sneak in ahead of me.

    I have never had to go back to an old phone. The only time I tried that they told me their network no longer supports analog phones. What kind of crap is that?

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  27. hehe, Jeff, you should go back to the first verizon store and use your Jedi mind tricks on the doosh.

    “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for… Here’s a new droid on me… and some beer money for your trouble…”

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  28. Wow… I haven’t been around in a while, but it’s fitting that I drop in on a Verizon rant. Those asshats throttled my 3G card because I burned through 14 GB of data last month. Now they’re limiting me to .5 Mbps or some such bull shit. Do you know how slow porn loads at .5 Mbps? Of course, I guess it’s not as bad as the monthly ass raping I take from AT&T for my iPhone.

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  29. I make sure to burn all my bridges, literally and figuratively, before leaving something or somewhere. That way there is no opportunity but to move forward or suffer. If my 99 cents w/ two year contract dies, I either buy a new one or go screwed. No returning to the old office to get that picture of the family, because I took a dump in the public trashcan on my way out, and security has my picture.

    As far as dealing with those public interaction folks at various stores, my wife has a list of places I can’t go to alone. I have been drug out of stores by complete strangers trying to be good Samaritans to the clerk I am screaming and yelling at.

    I have been known to pull the most mild mannered sales representative into frothing, foaming, sweating, crying arguments over some of the most retarded bullshit. But before you judge, please know that I am also the guy that will leave a $40 tip at Olive “The Land of Lost Flavor” Garden for keeping my glass full and not bothering me while I eat.

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  30. two phones ago i had a glyde, gay name but not a bad phone. I watched it commit suicide as it jumped off a table at a bar while charging. the fall jerked the socket and you hhad to hold it just right to get a charge.
    Since there was no verizon in OKC at the time I just waited until my trip to seattle in a few days.
    The prick behind the counter did the same thing. It got wet. No, I saw what happened. See this sticker? Yeah I see it, and maybe it’s turned, but it was working fine up until the battery died for the final time.
    It got wet.
    What a prick. Verizon has flat out lied to me. I really like my droid but i hate them.
    Verizon can go fuck itself on a slant with parsley.

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  31. on a more positive note:
    http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20100714/BIZ01/307140054/1055/NEWS/Inside-Moerlein-Lager-House

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  32. Jeff,
    Maybe you can get that guy fired, and his next crappy job can be working at a Subway in your neighborhood.

    My husband set our password with our cellular company, and it is a form of “I hate _______”.
    It is awful to have to say it over the phone, and worse in person. He’s such a jackass.

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  33. My cell phone is so old it looks like a toy. BUT, through work, I pay $29 for 2 phones every month so I really don’t care. I never use it. I think I wracked up 4 minutes last month. And, the sumbeech is heavy so I could always use it as a weapon.

    Brittney, what a cool, interesting dream.

    Jeff, I don’t blame you. If anyone called me a liar, I’d be wishing a painful oozing blister on the tip of their dick.

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  34. what’s a nickname?

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  35. t-storm,

    you need to work in the rolling donut reference somewhere. On a donut? at a donut? I forget.

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  36. Yeah, Jeff, the second guy obviously never saw signs of any moisture which means the first guy was just being an ass all around. I’d also check to see if the store you went to with the first guy was an official Verizon store or was an independant owner who is allowed to use the name Verizon & sell SOME Verizon products, but is also allowed to hire non-Verizon employees who can charge you for insane stuff when you upgrade or activate. We saw a lot of those stores with Cingular/AT&T & it frustrated us real employees who always had to clean up the mess of the dipshits from the knockoff stores.
    Here’s a tip to everyone out there: don’t ever sign up for service, get maintenance on service, change your plans, upgrade your phones, etc, etc, etc from any of the cell phone kiosks in the mall (even if your provider’s name is listed), or from the vendors @ Costco, or from tents set up @ fairs or events without asking if they are corporate or franchise. You’d be surprised @ how much they can get away with when it comes to using your credit card for ‘services’.
    Glad to hear they settled the issue for you, Jeff & got you a phone. Some of the refurbs they send out are better then the new ones because they have been re-worked & tested a zillion times. Good luck!

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  37. @ Melissa – I preordered my iP4 and wish I had waited. First, the signal issue is a SERIOUS problem. From my office window I can stare at the AT&T cell tower 200 yards away while gripping my phone and watch it go from 5 to 2 bars. Also, there’s no good cases… Belkin has the best case that I used on my 3GS (the leather flip case) but they haven’t made one for iP4. I ordered one form a North Korean sweat shop on e-bay yesterday… we’ll see how it fits.

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  38. Verizon can go fuck itself on a slant with parsley and a rolling donut that fell out of rosie o’donnell’s perpetually moist crotch panel connected by a slug trail that oh so shimmers in the moon light.

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  39. LMAO!!!!!!!!! better than I imagined it could be!

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  40. I’ve never had a bit of trouble with my Cricket wireless.

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  41. Brittney, if I remember correctly, I think you blew me. But that might’ve been Gretchen — I was pretty drunk in your dream.

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  42. As for my own personal Verizon nightmare (not so bad as Jeff’s have been), around February of this year I signed up for Fios @ my new house because the prior owners had it, so the box was still installed & all Verizon had to do was flip a switch somewhere. I was even told that since it wasn’t going to be installed I would get no contract & no startup fees.
    Right off the bat shit went wrong. I had signed up for the bare bones internet service & nothing else. Total per month before taxes was going to be $39.99. Right off the bat I’m told to pay $107. WTF? I call & speak to a Hindu who tells me that my basic internet service apparently has charges for Starz TV (a cable feature) & HBO On Demand. Now, I don’t know why TV charges were added to my internet & she didn’t either but it took them two more months to remove it. I got a measly $40 credit total (for 3 months of around $65 of overcharges per month) because they said that they couldn’t prove that I hadn’t added the features.
    When the third month bill came I called to cancel. I was told by a gum-popping, burping asshat named Bronc (yes, I know), that if I cancelled I would be billed $275. But he couldn’t quite tell me what that was for and oh, could I give him my credit card # because he had to go to lunch. This conversation actually happened. He burped about 3 times in the call & kept blowing bubbles with his gum where you could hear the snapping, the air pushing through then the POP! sound.
    I asked twice for his manager & was told they weren’t there. I hung up on him & called right back, cancelled with another recently released prisoner & was able to get by without paying $275 or handing over my credit card #. I keep checking to make sure they didn’t sneak charges in to try to take me to collections, but they haven’t.
    So in the end I payed about $500 for a few months’ service for an internet that we used about four times total while we tried to remodel our house.
    Verizon = NEVER AGAIN!

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  43. I once tried to return a piece of shit, but the asshole there wouldn’t take it. Claimed it had just been wet.

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  44. @Adam: I will wait. I’ve been reading horror stories about service, dropped calls, intermittent internet speeds, horrible accessories & here & there bluetooth support so I think I’ll wait till Apple officially (and with as little douche-ass attitude as possible) announces they have fixed the bugs & more positive feedback starts emerging.
    I know Steve Jobs is considered a God to a lot of Appleheads, but seriously, that man has become increasingly arrogant and dickwad-ish lately. I think that new liver he got came from an asshole.

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  45. Swami, not me, and I don’t think it was Gretchen either, it was probably you blowing yourself. You were THAT drunk…

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  46. Speaking of wet phones, I bought a phone off Ebay a few years back. It was before the days of smart phones (oh, those were dark times indeed!). When I got it the bloody thing didn’t work so I took it to an independent repair guy and yep, HE told me it had got wet. I said that I didn’t get it wet and it didn’t look wet but apparently getting wet renders it unfixable.

    Come to think of it the plot to “Signs” is probably a metaphor for phones that get wet. And that movie starred Mel Gibson…ANNNNNNDDDD we are back full circle.

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  47. Mel Gibson is a twat.

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  48. Brittney, it’s not long enough in real life to do that, but come to think of it, it was plenty long enough in your dream, so I think you’re right !!!

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  49. Now that Mel Gibson has come up, let me just announce my prediction.
    I predict that in the very near future (as more recordings are “released”), Mel-boy will snap & try to attack/kill money-grubber & when he is unsuccessful will finally off himself, thus being the surprise celebrity death of 2010. Then all his celebrity friends (Whoopi in front), will parade the networks talking about how great he was but how ‘misunderstood’ he was as well. Money-grubber will get millions, ex-wife will get millions & all will be right with the world.

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  50. Great, just got a Droid and Jeffs takes a crap and Adam informs me that unlimited data may not be unlimited. It was pretty awesome last night waving it in my BiL’s face who is one of the most tech savvy people I know but to proud to say cool phone because it’s nicer than his. We were talking about a piece of property out in the country and I whipped it out, pulled up maps and showed him an ariel view. It was starting to sprinkle. Hope I didn’t fuck it up.

    t-storm-Still trying to figure out exactly what William Peter means? Loved the man up and learn a skill comment.

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  51. Swami;
    It was Tammy. I watched.

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  52. For those waiting for Apple to fix the iPhone 4, you can shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up faster. It’s not going to happen because it’s not a software problem, it’s a physical problem with the phone itself and Apple is too full of itself to issue a recall (which in all honesty it should). The good news is that if you put a case on the phone the problem goes away and if you are really lucky Apple will give you some sort of case for free. I’m glad I decided to stick with the 3GS.

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  53. I went recently to visit my childhood home and it has shrunk significantly. :)

    Brittney- Why don’t you host the party?? its your dream!! i would host it in my basement gladly but if i do then you are all going to have to mud drywall.

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  54. hey icecycle where the hell were you when i was working at the Olive Garden???? huh????

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  55. Brittney: “Swami, not me, and I don’t think it was Gretchen either, it was probably you blowing yourself. You were THAT drunk…” I think I peed a little!

    My phone closet doesn’t have a lot of skeletons, surprisingly enough with my luck. I started with a Cricket. The service was terrible. The signal wasn’t strong enough to receive or send a text at my desk on a first floor building Uptown PGH. So I had to sit it on a widow sill in our office kitchen. Half the time if I did send a text, most didn’t receive it for 2 or 3 days. Phuck dat.

    Now I have Verizon Blackberry Curve. Most people I actually talk to have Verizon as well. But the phone design blows Swami. (xoxo). I can’t see the print on the keys and they too small as well! I just mash the keyboard with my fat finger and hope I dialed the correct number.

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  56. @Chuck – hmmm, I had noticed the address, but it didn’t look any different on my computer. Looks just like a normal Google page. Maybe it’s part of the weird filter we have at work?

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  57. @Brittney, awesome comeback!

    I am definetely in for the surf party…sounds like dreams will be coming true!

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  58. I love your posts, Jeff, because you are so REAL. You always amuse me with your antics.

    So, I am going to tell you a secret.

    I have a Nokia cell phone eight years old. It does not have anything but a phone. No camera. Nothing.

    I have never changed the battery. It just works.

    My 16 year old grandaughter has warned me never to show it to any of her friends.

    She would be too embarassed.

    Since I work at home, I don’t need anything but a good PC with good memory.

    When I go out, I put my phone on call forwarding. That works too.

    I suppose it will die someday.

    Then I will come to you for advice.

    What phone can I buy that is just a phone?

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  59. I had a Milwaukee’s Best (Light) Ass-plosion saturday morning.
    God’s honest truth, had to “Discard” a brand new pair of boxers.

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  60. @Tilly-I have what’s called an english basement, which in my opinion is just a fancy term for a shitty, tiny basement that is only convenient for spiders. If you are over 6 foot tall, your head will be grazing the ceiling, that is loaded with spiders and monsters and whatever else may be down there. I should take pictures and load them on my blogspot…the power went out the other night and I had to go down there with nothing more than the glow from my cell phone to see if it was the box…omg that was scary.

    Buuuut, on the otherhand, I would love to have it in my backyard! Anybody down for bags? I am.

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  61. You mean cornhole. Bags are what were under jeffs’ eyes, and what these tea drinkin’ mig-15′s dip in tepid water.

    V, been there. Driving home from taking an ex to work one day in st. louis I had to pull over and squat behind a dumpster, sans paper.

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  62. That weekend in Oct is perfect. The Bengals have a bye. Sweet.

    I had cheese coneys for lunch and coffee so I did have to have an assplosion at work, but it’s sucked back in to regroup and plan for when I’m either farther away from a shitter, or in the middle of a conversation with someone important.

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  63. You had cheese rabbits for lunch?

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  64. Sure did.

    And WB, I thought I explained this. William Peter was supposed to be a play on WB but somehow the B turned into a P. Maybe when I see WB I think WP especially since you are in Ohio and I occaisionally go to the WPCU.

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  65. What’s the point in licking parsley? Wait…where am I?

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  66. You were trying to call him William Beater? WB has been well established as a gentle soul. I think you’d be better off dispensing with the consonant altogether and making it William Eater. That leaves the P for the parsley, which is one of the things WB might like to eat.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  67. No, i meant william peter, but did it with flawed sensory input.

    [Reply]

  68. Post’s from the last two days have been pure entertainment!! I’m off to Jamboree in the Hills tomorrow right over the Ohio\WVA border. Any other Surfers going let me know!!

    [Reply]

  69. That happens to me more and more as time goes by. I don’t know whether the world is getting more flawed or my senses are, but I have a suspicion.

    I was sort of hoping for the development of a children’s rhyme that starts…

    William, William parsley eater…

    .
    …But I see I am once again waiting for Godot.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  70. William Beater parsley eater
    Kicked her pussy before he beat her
    shoved a radish up her butt
    before he fucked that salad slut

    [Reply]

  71. t-storm got it. Nice poem, or is it a limerick?

    jtb-Thanks for thinking of me as a gentle soul.

    William Beater didn’t need her
    Told that that slut to go

    [Reply]

  72. Nothing like retiring to my smoking chair with a nice cuppa tea and some poetry!

    [Reply]

  73. t storm i really needed that laugh…

    [Reply]

  74. William Peter and others,

    Please join me in pressuring Jeff into drinking again. These pauses between updates are absurd and I can’t take it anymore.

    Maybe he’s worried about his health? Nonsense. I drink beer every other month. And in the months between I drink vodka. I don’t think you can get brain cancer unless you go continuously with one or the other for an extended period of time.

    I use the same strategy for tobacco products. One month I’ll smoke, the next month I’ll put chewing tobacco up my ass. Worked wonders so far.

    For fucksake, Jeff, come back. We’re family.

    [Reply]

  75. It’ll be okay Jason, my productivity is up at work. Jeff could spark an economic rebound all on his own.

    [Reply]

  76. Bill Peter,
    I don’t want a goddamn rebound. I’m trying to start a ranch full of tiny dogs right now. People are willing to work for nothing right now. That’s just what I need. Obamer is the best thing that ever happened to me.

    I need my entertainment. I can’t exploit people without having a few laughs.

    As it is all of my workers live in dirt floored hovels (the rent for which is deducted from their checks) in a place I like to call FartyTown. They get paid in FartyDollars, which they can spend at the FartyTown store.

    So yes, I’m good to my Farty citizens. They can leave whenever they like. Utopia. That’s what I’m building.

    [Reply]

  77. Who runs Farty Town?

    Apple Blaster runs Farty Town.

    Louder…

    APPLE BLASTER!

    [Reply]

  78. A LOVE POEM THAT’S NOT ABOUT PARSLEY

    I went down to Jeff Davis land
    In the wartime smoke and haze.
    I met a girl named Dixie
    And I spent the night for days.
    I grazed upon her parsley
    Till my head turned red and blue;
    I was way down south in Dixie –
    But I’d rather be in you.

    JTB

    [Reply]

  79. I am perfectly fine with drinking. I keep a pretty full wine rack and a modest bar in my dining room and always have microbrew in the refer. Guests deserve a drink or three. I just haven’t been able to figure out, based on about a dozen comments above, why we have to be all fucked up to meet each other. It a CNS depressent is, in fact, a requirement for such a soiree, I can get ahold of some reds and horse and make a fine rum punch so we won’t even have to remember being there. I didn’t realize that was the point.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  80. A man who craved parsley and tuna
    Decided to move to Laguna
    He opened a shop and all day he would chop
    With is sparsely honed mezzaluna

    [Reply]

  81. Speaking of worthless Customer Service reps….

    Today I get a call at work and the caller ID says it’s an 800 number. Great, another sales rep trying to get me to buy something or other. On the other hand it could be the recruiter at the place where I’m trying to get a new job, so I answer.

    Right after I say hello I get a stupid recording!!
    “I’m going to connect you now… please hold…”

    WTF? You call me and place me on hold?!? Screw you! What lunatic thought that would be a good way to attract business?

    [Reply]

  82. Hey Junkfood.

    You’re really not reading the comments, are you? They’re all about problems and idiots and the people who are getting in line to sign up for this crap.

    You seem quite defensive. Perhaps you’re one of the mindless drones who sucks up marketing with a big straw? Perhaps your self-esteem is so low you think a phone will make you popular and accepted?

    When your “smart” phone craps the bed, I’ll be happy to let you borrow one of mine.

    BTW: Your response was a stretch. Try out this cool website called google.com. I’ll bet they can help you find something more on topic.

    [Reply]

  83. Blonde hair and boobs
    And FMP shoes
    I’ll admit they have me quite smitten

    To top it all off
    I think of a quaff
    So soft like a small fluffy kitten

    [Reply]

  84. Yeah, I read The Onion article that Junkfood provided and this quote kinda got me, “About a week after I met him, we were talking, and I made some kind of Simpsons reference,” Gerela said. “He asked me what I was talking about, and when I told him it was from a TV show, he just went off, saying how the last show he watched was some episode of Cheers, and even then, he could only watch for about two minutes before having to shut it off because it insulted his intelligence so terribly.”

    Come on. I mean, if you prefer not to own a TV than good for you I guess, but to say that it insults your intelligence is a little far fetched. Don’t act superior because of your own preferences, everyone is different.

    [Reply]

  85. There once was a man from Nantucket
    Who carried his cheese in a bucket
    He’d walk around town
    In a long purple gown
    And screm Fuck it, Fuck it, Fuck it!

    [Reply]

  86. Brittney,
    The Onion is a satire site. Meant to be funny. I think junkfood was doing the same. Smartassery is hard to convey via typed words. I should know. People have jumped my ass more times than I can count.

    [Reply]

  87. Apple Blaster? That’s akin to William Peter. I don’t get it.

    [Reply]

  88. Brittney-You do know the Onion is all satire don’t you?

    scott-c’mon man I think he was just pulling your chain. Maybe just not as subtle as I did.

    [Reply]

  89. Anyone get their “limited edition” t-shirt yet? I need that thing for this weekend, dammit.

    [Reply]

  90. I totally would’ve gone with a picture of a droid zapping Jawa for this update :)

    [Reply]

  91. T Farty, Ever seen Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome?

    and I’d be remiss if I didn’t add this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc

    [Reply]

  92. I had a feeling of that. I’m gonna go fuck myself now and get it over with.

    Oh and Jason, the tabacco in the ass thing made me pee.

    [Reply]

  93. Jason says “People have jumped my ass more times than I can count.”….maybe it’s the bars you hang around in.

    Scott – that was either irony or sarcasm (can’t never keep ‘em straight). Like our friend reporter out there Chill says “Chill”.

    :) – just chain yanking brother.

    JTB. something eloquent and situationally diffusive please lest we have another CADude/Brittney Fuckyouathon. Sorry, should have let that one die.

    DTO, QUICK. a haiku!!!

    [Reply]

  94. t-storm,
    I think so. It’s hard to remember. Wasn’t Tina Turner in that movie? The world ended and everyone had to drink their own recycled piss in a giant bubble. Or something like that. Right?

    [Reply]

  95. Pretty much, but the town (barter Town) was run by master blaster.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hgq4w4dqKsU

    [Reply]

  96. Also, any good fuckyouathon needs a good:

    Because fuck you! That’s why.

    [Reply]

  97. Tina Turner at that age and in that outfit. Would ya?

    [Reply]

  98. Sex is on my mind
    To bad I’m always alone
    I think I’ll fuck cheese

    [Reply]

  99. DTO Scores!

    Yahtzee!!!

    Bingo!!!

    Goallllllllll !

    Circle gets the square.

    [Reply]

  100. DDG-NO! *huff*

    And since t-storm started it…fuck all y’all!

    [Reply]

  101. I’d fuck Tina Turner right now.

    [Reply]

  102. I guess doing Tina Turner now is sort of on topic.

    “Maybe you can tell us about returning to something, or someplace, after an extended period.”

    Ok, stay with me now…

    - think about what she was like in the 80s….
    - think about all the man seed that was spilt in her honor
    - now think about doing her now – 20 or 30 years later
    - that’s almost like returning to something after an extended period.

    [Reply]

  103. Actually hot fuzz…I think you accidentially found the cure for an erection lasting longer than four hours.

    [Reply]

  104. Tina is still hot?
    She’s seventy one years old
    are you fucking sure?

    [Reply]

  105. hot fuzz…if that was adderssed to me…I guess you missed my point…..just sayin’

    [Reply]

  106. Crap hot fuzz. I missed your haiku. Well played. :)

    My bad…

    [Reply]

  107. no no no – Jason

    [Reply]

  108. Suddenly that Surf Reporter get together isn’t looking so swell. You guys scare me sometimes. And the only thing I am afraid of is public speaking.

    [Reply]

  109. And who knew that Mel Gibson was a Talking Heads fan?

    [Reply]

  110. think about it: The drunk tank in wilkes barre filled with people all wearing thewvsr t-shirts and hats.

    [Reply]

  111. A group of smart asses
    A group of people with perhaps very very slightly enhanced sensitivities
    Most have no problem telling others to take a running fuck at a rolling doughnut
    add alcohol

    Chuck – what could possibly go wrong?

    [Reply]

  112. Thewvsr.com Decade of Douchebaggery
    Go Fuck Yourself or Go Home

    Evil Twins Wife can do the logo.

    [Reply]

  113. Jason, T-Farty and Scott
    DTO, T-Storm and Buck
    Lee Harvey Ramone
    Not Oprah in Nome
    Johnthebasket Y’all can go fuck

    [Reply]

  114. wow – even I thought that was lame

    [Reply]

  115. one of us is gonna be sore.

    [Reply]

  116. Surf reporters might enjoy this:

    http://www3.kingdomofloathing.com/login.php?loginid=a2caacdbb7c8419b8c86ce7c5084dd40

    It’s an onlilne rpg that makes fun of all online rpgs. It has, among other things, the Haiku dungeon:
    “Ripples in a pond
    a flowing crimson river
    blood drips from your foe.”

    and the Limerick dungeon:
    “A slime puddle of heavy viscosity
    Proves a strong test of your virtuosity
    But you cross with a hop
    Clean it up with a mop
    And walk off with a renewed pomposity.”
    *You gain 10 Sarcasm*

    Which is why I thought about it right now.

    [Reply]

  117. Hey Brittney–can I watch?

    [Reply]

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So, who is this guy?

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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