The Most Obnoxious House Hunters Ever

Toney and I recently watched one of the most obnoxious episodes of House Hunters we’ve ever seen.  Do you watch this show?  It’s where a couple (usually a couple) tours three houses or condos, and decides which one to buy at the end.  We’ve been watching it for years; it’s a good placeholder for times when there’s nothing “good” to watch.

Anyway, this particular couple lived in Atlanta, and were in their mid-20s, I’d guess.  They were young, but infused with two or three lifetimes-worth of entitlement.  They wanted absolute perfection, and were incredibly judgmental about the most insignificant boolshit.  Both of us were involuntarily yelling at the TV in outrage.

And the woman had the creaking door voice, which drives me straight up the wall.  Man, I hate the creaking door voice…

These two insufferables strolled through super-expensive homes constantly on high alert for some infraction against their yuppie-fried code of acceptable living.  “Oh, I can see the neighbor’s house through this window,” they kept whining.  Yeah, no shit.  It’s a neighborhood, you pretentious cock.  There are other houses out there.  Wow!

And they acted like they were in the know, and kept talking about the “flow” of the floor plan, and how the windows let in the right amount of sunlight, etc.  Like they knew something about it.  Both also grossly overused the word “space,” which made me grind my teeth.  “Oh, this is a wonderful grilling space!” one of them said.  Grilling space?  It’s a patio!  Sheesh.  I found myself laying a death-grip on a couch cushion.

I’m surprised one of them didn’t complain about the lack of natural light and awkward configuration of the upstairs defecation space.

On top of their highly-entitled obnoxiousness, they also trotted out many of the traditional House Hunters cliches.  The guy kept talking about plasma-screen TVs and his “man cave,” where he’ll be able to watch “the game.”  And when they were shown a gigantic walk-in closet, the woman said to her husband, “Yeah, this will be big enough to hold all my stuff.  Where are you going to put yours?”

Hardy-fucking-har. Such a biting wit.  I’m buckled-over in laughter.

And what’s the deal with the entire world, all of a sudden, being obsessed (obsessed!) with having two sinks in every bathroom?  Can you imagine someone living in a Haitian slum, or wherever, watching these assholes declaring it a “deal-breaker” if the master bath doesn’t have double vanities?

By the time it was over Toney and I were hoping for improbable things to happen, that would lead to the couple’s demise.  Like the air being pierced by assassins’ bullets, and whatnot.  Toney seemed to lean more toward a fire-themed solution, but I liked the idea of instant death by sniper.

Incredible.  It’s been several days since we watched that episode, and my hatred for those two hasn’t faded one bit.  Horrible, horrible people….

Do you watch the show?  What are some of the other cliches?  There are a bunch of ’em, and I bet we could come up with a great House Hunters drinking game.  Help me out, won’t you?  Use the comments link below.

Also, what other cable shows do you use as a placeholder, for times when there’s nothing “good” on TV?  Toney and the boys watch Ghost Adventures, but I can’t stand that main guy.  I’m always hoping he’ll be taunting a spirit, and a fork will come flying out of the darkness and stick in his neck.  Is that wrong?

Hey, if you wanna create a Ghost Adventures drinking game too, that’s cool with me.  Have at it.

And I’m going to work now, for the final day of the week.  How great is that?  Tuesday is my last day.  Oh yeah.

I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker

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  1. wvanri says

    Happy Birthday, Gretchen.
    I HATE House Hunters. I’m getting ready to leave the Northeast for the big city of Norfolk and have been househunting. My mom watches HH religiously and I tried, I really did. Had I continued to watch I would have to get a new tv as well as a new house. If all goes well with the inspection this week, I will own my very first house in about a month. YEAH. Three bedroom, two baths, fireplace, garage and BIG fenced yard for the six year old and the dog. The moving part sucks though.

  2. johnthebasket says


    1) How the hell could she play the bass in that thing?

    2) A boycott will not suffice. We need a king-hell girlcott.

    3) Why do you watch a show on which all the participants piss you off? Sounds like a reading opportunity.

    4) Live is a many-splendored thing.

    5) I would never have a raised wooden structure in my back yard. I have a brick patio that several of my friends and I laid nearly 20 years ago. It doesn’t dominate the yard, but it’s very functional. But yes, of course I’d like a big deck.

    6) I am rewatching season 1 of House. The only House Hunting I’m planning on is looking for season 2 in the DVD closet when I’m finished with season 1. Why would I watch Crap on cable when I can watch some of the best TV ever made?

    7) Yes I am and yes I do.


  3. hot fuzz says

    dirty jobs…Mike was collecting horse cum (we all need hobbies) and step 1 is to was the horse’s storm trooper. After he cleaned it, he turned to his job coach and said “there, clean enough to eat off of”.

    Brit keep the ramp for when you’re the dd and the boyfriend needs to get from the car to the front door. Those stairs can change like Hogworths when you’ve been drinking.

    Wvanri.. good luck and enjoy.

    John – It’s not lupis.

    Everyone used to be on my deck. When it rained and my deck was all wet, it looked really awesome so I took pictures of my deck and showed everyone at work. My wife used to like to put her bare feet on my deck. I liked that too – it looked pretty natural. A man should be proud of his deck regardless of the size.. show it off… use it…make sure people remember your deck fondly.

    I am 14

    • says

      We’ve already gotten drunk and taken rolling chairs down it. You can’t have a wheel chair ramp and rolling chairs and not use them together.

  4. says

    Happy belated Birthday Gretchen! Hope it was a great one!

    I don’t watch House Hunters much…at least not as much as I used to.
    I’d get jealous over the double sinks in the bathrooms and drink away my sorrows…or eat too many Twinkies…then my butt would grow and when I bent over to brush my teeth in the bathtub (because someone else was using the ONE sink we have in our bathroom) my pants would split open or I’d have to go pantless so I could breath…you know…stuff like that.

    The whole experience just became too traumatic for me.

  5. clintcurtis says

    My wife watches all of the “House Hunters Extreme Makeover of Dancing with the CSI Next Top Models looking for a Home” type shit. Gimme “Family Guy” any day.

    …oh, and then there all the Deadliest Catch type show my friends seem to be fascinated with. Hello????? Yeah, let’s WORK all frickin’ day, and THEN come home and watch WORKING on TV at night. It seems a bit like porn stars coming home at the end of a hard day and flipping on the TV and watching porno movies.

  6. WB in OH says

    Does anybody watch Hell’s Kitchen? I’ve seen bits and pieces of it and can’t imagine anyone watching a whole show. Just some angry bastard yelling and screaming at people who seemingly could fuck up a grilled cheese sandwich. Just my .02.

    • says

      I was never a line cook but I did have to go into a Red Lobster on a Saturday night to fix the computer back in the kitchen. From what I saw there I would want nothing to do with it. Mayhem would be a good description.

      • says

        I worked at Red Lobster for awhile…you’re right, it is mayhem. I also got pretty tired of receiving ghetto treatment from some of the waitresses so I got the hell out of there. Still love the food though.

        • says

          I watch that show…Chef Ramsey is a flaming asshole. He really has some anger management issues…I’m pretty sure some of those people leave there needing therapy.

  7. squawvalleyskip says

    My wife watches all those damned stupid designer shows with the queers sewing up butt-ugly crap and calling it fashion. And that full on flamer that comes around and give his “advice”. Makes me want to pitch the tube off the deck, but she gets completely engrossed in that shit. I used to like Martha Stewart’s kid when she was sarcastically dissing Martha. And America’s Dumbest is high on my list. Can’t help it if i got a crush on Tonya Harding. She’s white trash enough I coulda married her for a little while. Then theres Futurama. I was bummed when Drawn Together disappeared.

  8. BKB says

    Two HH game suggestions – do a shot every time you hear the word “Wow” and you’ll be trashed pronto. Another one is to guess the house they chose – and do a shot if you are wrong (or right, whichever). When they have a marathon on a rainy day it’s a great way to get hammered…

  9. t-storm says

    My ex loves mike rowe. I don’t get it.
    I do love how he is running out of dirty shit to do.

    Today on dirty jobs I scrape the barnacles off of rosie odonnels thighs and I climb inside al gore to see if I can find a personality.