The Most Obnoxious House Hunters Ever

Toney and I recently watched one of the most obnoxious episodes of House Hunters we’ve ever seen.  Do you watch this show?  It’s where a couple (usually a couple) tours three houses or condos, and decides which one to buy at the end.  We’ve been watching it for years; it’s a good placeholder for times when there’s nothing “good” to watch.

Anyway, this particular couple lived in Atlanta, and were in their mid-20s, I’d guess.  They were young, but infused with two or three lifetimes-worth of entitlement.  They wanted absolute perfection, and were incredibly judgmental about the most insignificant boolshit.  Both of us were involuntarily yelling at the TV in outrage.

And the woman had the creaking door voice, which drives me straight up the wall.  Man, I hate the creaking door voice…

These two insufferables strolled through super-expensive homes constantly on high alert for some infraction against their yuppie-fried code of acceptable living.  “Oh, I can see the neighbor’s house through this window,” they kept whining.  Yeah, no shit.  It’s a neighborhood, you pretentious cock.  There are other houses out there.  Wow!

And they acted like they were in the know, and kept talking about the “flow” of the floor plan, and how the windows let in the right amount of sunlight, etc.  Like they knew something about it.  Both also grossly overused the word “space,” which made me grind my teeth.  “Oh, this is a wonderful grilling space!” one of them said.  Grilling space?  It’s a patio!  Sheesh.  I found myself laying a death-grip on a couch cushion.

I’m surprised one of them didn’t complain about the lack of natural light and awkward configuration of the upstairs defecation space.

On top of their highly-entitled obnoxiousness, they also trotted out many of the traditional House Hunters cliches.  The guy kept talking about plasma-screen TVs and his “man cave,” where he’ll be able to watch “the game.”  And when they were shown a gigantic walk-in closet, the woman said to her husband, “Yeah, this will be big enough to hold all my stuff.  Where are you going to put yours?”

Hardy-fucking-har. Such a biting wit.  I’m buckled-over in laughter.

And what’s the deal with the entire world, all of a sudden, being obsessed (obsessed!) with having two sinks in every bathroom?  Can you imagine someone living in a Haitian slum, or wherever, watching these assholes declaring it a “deal-breaker” if the master bath doesn’t have double vanities?

By the time it was over Toney and I were hoping for improbable things to happen, that would lead to the couple’s demise.  Like the air being pierced by assassins’ bullets, and whatnot.  Toney seemed to lean more toward a fire-themed solution, but I liked the idea of instant death by sniper.

Incredible.  It’s been several days since we watched that episode, and my hatred for those two hasn’t faded one bit.  Horrible, horrible people….

Do you watch the show?  What are some of the other cliches?  There are a bunch of ‘em, and I bet we could come up with a great House Hunters drinking game.  Help me out, won’t you?  Use the comments link below.

Also, what other cable shows do you use as a placeholder, for times when there’s nothing “good” on TV?  Toney and the boys watch Ghost Adventures, but I can’t stand that main guy.  I’m always hoping he’ll be taunting a spirit, and a fork will come flying out of the darkness and stick in his neck.  Is that wrong?

Hey, if you wanna create a Ghost Adventures drinking game too, that’s cool with me.  Have at it.

And I’m going to work now, for the final day of the week.  How great is that?  Tuesday is my last day.  Oh yeah.

I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker

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129 Responses to “The Most Obnoxious House Hunters Ever”

  1. Damn, I’m gonna have to sign up for cable TV!

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  2. Oh, and a big ol go fuck yourself from me and the rest of the surf reporters who’ll be chained to our desks (or service vans or Mom’s basement) till Friday!

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  3. I really don’t have a show like that I watch on a regular basis. I’m amazed though that there are so many shows about huge food. And strange food. I always wanted to travel and see different cultures. But, there is no way I could eat some of the stuff they eat in other parts of the world.

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  4. I love House Hunters, but get annoyed with all the entitled assholes too.

    I get annoyed when the lack of a “soaking tub” in the master bath is a deal breaker. Most always talk about space for entertaining, or a quiet patio area so they can drink their coffee and enjoy the scenery.

    My place holders are Man V. Food, Clean House and Jerseylicious. Jerseylicious is more for times when I need a good laugh.

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  5. Drinking game triggers:

    Biggest Loser = “journey”
    Any cooking contest show (pitmasters, master chef, etc.) “passion”

    You’ll end up in a cell next to Lindsey Lohan…

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    Alana Reply:

    Hoarders = “overwhelmed”

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    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    Please boycott the Reply feature. thank you for your attention to the matter.

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    big blue Reply:

    i concur

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    Dave's not here, man Reply:

    ok

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    WB in OH Reply:

    will do

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  6. My House Hunters pet peeve: “Bob is a sanitation worker and Jane is a stay at home mom. They are hoping to stick to a budget of $750,000″ WTH?

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  7. When nothing else is on to watch there’s always at the ready a Law & Order, CSI, or some show about obesity, hoarding, or a freaky medical condition. And during the summer one can usually find a baseball game on somewhere. Speaking of baseball and freaky medical conditions, in last night’s Phillies game there was a brunette Cousin It sitting in the fourth or fifth row. It was either a costume Fail or he/she has that syndrome where you look like Teen Wolf 24/7. Photographic evidence!:

    tiny.cc/8087q

    Frankly double vanities = more to clean. Take a swig of Jim Beam whenever anyone says “open floor plan”, “French doors”, or “granite countertops”.

    Today is my birthday. I’m 38. I’m eating crab legs tonight and I don’t care who gets hit with shell shrapnel. That is all.

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    Gretchen Reply:

    Okay, tiny url failed me. Here’s the obnoxiously long version:

    http://www.philly2philly.com/politics_community/the_omelette/2010/9/21/45107/kolb_starting_sunday_phillies_beat_braves_and_presid

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    WB in OH Reply:

    Cousin It’s sister was at the Colts game.

    http://czabe.blogspot.com/2010/09/no-dude-you-dont-get-to-keep-helmet.html

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    Gretchen Reply:

    And she wanted that fucking helmet.

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    madz1962 Reply:

    Happy Birthday, Gretchen! Enjoy the leggies!

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    Son of Sam Reply:

    Happy Happy Gretchen! Have a good time with the crab legs. (i love them too)

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    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    I thought that was Carrot Top.

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    bikerchick Reply:

    I stared at that photo for a while…still can’t figure out what the hell it (?) is.

    Happy Birfday, G! Crab legs are the bomb! Let the splinters fly!!

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    Gretchen Reply:

    I KNOW! It completely distracted me from the game.

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    dogberryjr Reply:

    Well, happy birthday Gretchen! I pity the crustacean that gets in your way tonight.

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    Gretchen Reply:

    Do not pity them, for they go to a much better place.

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    Greg Reply:

    Happy Birthday, Gretchen! Wash those crablegs down with a refreshing adult beverage!

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    CitizenX Reply:

    Happy Birthday, Gretchen. My favorite place to eat is the all-you-can-eat crablegs from the trough. Enjoy!

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    hardoxdan Reply:

    Happy B-day Gretchen.
    Enjoy your crabs.

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    Shiny Rod Reply:

    Happy Birthday Gretchen, I turn 53 Friday. I prefer the King but Snow will do nicely.

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    Lori in Cbus Reply:

    Happy Birthday Gretchen!! Have fun with your crabs!

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    Jenny Piccalo Reply:

    Happy Birthday Gretchen ! I’ve never had crabs ! (not even the legs ) !!!

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    valentin Reply:

    happy birthday!

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    clintcurtis Reply:

    Happy Birthday, Gretchen!

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    CADude Reply:

    Happy belated B’day, Gretchen! I hope you didn’t OD on the crabs.
    Oh, and so much for “boycott the Reply feature.”

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    Kevindust Reply:

    Happy (belated) Birthday Gretchen! Bottoms Up! (Feel free to take that in any way you choose…)

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  8. Now that “How I Met Your Mother” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” are in syndication those are my go to shows. One of them is playing at any given time of day.

    I hate all the shows on TV that don’t have a “Written by” credit somewhere in them. I refuse to watch them; I absolutely despise them. Usually I’ll sit in my grilling space and drink cheap beer, aging myself at an hour to minute ratio worrying about how I can destroy the lives of everyone involved in the production of such smut. I think I would rather watch a live camera feed in the death room at the pound than watch a bunch of Trust Fund Babies (who think they have worked their way up the ladder) or Kramer’s (who just fall ass-backwards into money for no apparent reason), buy shit they don’t need and won’t use.

    I want to seek these people out and “befriend” them. Then slowly work my magic and destroy their relationships with loved ones and colleagues, wreck their bank accounts beyond all repair, and drive them to suicide…or worse.

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  9. Man, oh, man, today’s Further Evidence is mesmerizing. I watched the whole thing, couldn’t take my eyes of it (and I really mean “it ” ), trying to figure out its gender. I’m still not 100% sure, but I think it was a chick with a mustache. Youza!!

    Anyway, more on topic — whenever “Intervention” or one of the two “Hoarders” shows are on, I can’t help but stop and watch if I’m channel surfing. They both make me realize that, whatever nuttiness I think I might suffer from, there are plenty of people in the world who are 1,000 times more nutty and fucked up. So I come away feeling pretty good about myself after one of those episodes.

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    Ginger Reply:

    I agree with you on Intervention and the “hoarders” genre. No better way to make you feel sane, normal, grounded and organized than to watch those shows!

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    Seanette Reply:

    Glad I’m not the only one who does that, watch shows about hoarding or “World’s Dumbest” to feel better about my own life.

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  10. Wife swap pretty much owns me.

    “Grilling Space” made me laugh in that mean sinister way. I feel the same when people talk about a house’s “bones” and when people refer to furniture as a “nice piece.”

    I got their nice piece.

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  11. Extreme makeover is fucked,I worked on the show they shot in Vegas.they tore down a perfectly good house nicer than the one I live in then they put the most expensive fixtures in.moved the family in and then the family sold the house!!!

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    bikerchick Reply:

    That is such bullshit. “Extreme makeover” to me doesn’t mean demolish and rebuild. Unbelievable.

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    tracy in ohio Reply:

    I thought about why they don’t do a follow up to the houses a year or two later. But figured the people probably sell them, lose them to taxes, or tear out those kids rooms they do. Man just because the kid is into horses this year doesn’t mean they want to live in a damn stable the rest of their childhood.

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    renn Reply:

    My company worked on one of the “Extreme Makeover” projects. I would rather carpet staple my eyelid to a 2×4 than go through THAT again.

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  12. In Real Estate Jargon “Cute and Cozy” means the house is about 30 square feet.

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  13. We’ve got The Office on twice a day here, so we let the Tivo collect a few of those for a rainy half-hour. They really don’t seem to get old.

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  14. Something is fucked up with my computer today.

    Anyway, I watch Man vs. Food or Snapped when I can’t find anything better. Sometimes, if they have a good Roseanne or Golden Girls Marathon, I’ll wacth that, too. (The Roseanne’s when the kids were young – not the series when they “win” the lottery and Roseanne turns into a twat supreme).

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  15. I am completely in for a House Hunters drinking game! Sign. Me. Up. How else can we stay-at-home moms make the endless piles of laundry more bearable?

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  16. Let’s see..granite counter tops..stainless steel appliances..walk in closets..minimum 3 bedroom house for a childless couple. The relationship dynamics on that show can be fascinating. Sometimes you can just tell the marriage ain’t gonna make it. Sometimes one of them is so clearly out of the other’s league. Sometimes you just have to wonder “where in the Hell did these two dipshits get all this money??”

    I like Bourdain’s “No Reservations” and sometimes “Bizarre Food”. Fun travel and food and a dude who will eats bugs.

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  17. I REALLY enjoy Holmes on Homes. My husband thinks they should start STATING who the bad contractors were that FUBARd the house.

    Cash Cab is another go-to for me.

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    Shiny Rod Reply:

    One of my favorites. Make it right!!!

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    Tammie Reply:

    Cash Cab is a winner in our house too!

    Personally I can sit in front of the TV all day watching “How It’s Made” on the Discovery channel. Great show!

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    clintcurtis Reply:

    Cash Cab is great! Did you guys know that Ben is the cousin of Mike Rowe, the guy who does the show “Dirty Jobs” and narrates “Deadliest Catch”?

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  18. If I’m home alone I will flip through channels and find a movie I have seen a million times. Otherwise, the boyfriend has control of the remote. It just makes life easier. We’ll watch Family Guy, Tosh.0, CSI SVU and Ghost Adventures to name a few fillers….yes I just love Ghost Adventures. Even Zak, the lead guy. But I’m into all that haunted/ghosts/spirit shit.

    I feels sorry for the unassuming people those obnoxious douchebags move in next to. Can you imagine having neighbors like that? Kind of like Christmas Vacation. Holy shitballs. They would be entertainment for the smart-asses us. But since we live in a $2 house and they are looking in $5 neighborhoods, it would never happen.

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  19. I don’t usually watch TV. We don’t have cable so we don’t get much. If I do feel like watching something I always turn to the PBS Create channel. They always have a cooking show or a home improvement show on and those two things are right up my alley. I like This Old House remodel shows where they are restoring old houses. Not Extreme Makeover tear everything down in sight bool-shit.

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    tracy in ohio Reply:

    Oh and house hunters sounds right up my alley since I like to yell at the TV and make fun of people which is what I would do with a show like that.

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  20. I like House Hunters, but I agree with you about all the entitled people who do that show. I suppose they’re trying to impress someone with all their “knowledge and style. ”

    I notice the ones who are being shown a tiny house and they talk about all the space and light, as if it was a mansion.

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  21. My favorite shows, Two and a Half men, Avatar: The Last Air Bender, Diners, Dives and Drive-Ins and Man vs Food.

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  22. Can I just say…… I love Jeff Kay and I love allthe surf reporters who post each day. You guys are always good for a laugh.
    Happy Birthday Gretchen!

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    madz1962 Reply:

    Hi BoMama – I’m kinda new to this forum, but yes, these folks are definitely good for a bunch of laughs! I lurked for a while before I jumped on this train to crazyvlle and I’m glad I did.

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    Lori in Cbus Reply:

    Choo Choo!!!

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  23. Anything on TLC, (AKA The Midget and Cake Channel) is good for a placeholder.

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  24. Happy Birthday, Gretchen! Enjoy the crabs.. there’s somethin’ ya don’t generally hear…

    Anyway… I enjoy Hoarders when channel surfing. Those people kills me with their “oh, well, I just let it get a little out of hand” thing.

    I used to watch House Hunters but then it just started pissing me off. They did an episode not too long ago where one of the houses for sale was in our neighborhood. It was about a $500k house and these people were shitbagging it like it was a shack! “OH, well, it needs some work.. I do like the space but I REALLY wanted more natural light.. blah blah blah.” Some work? For a half mil? Seriously? Pretentious Pricks.

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  25. I love House Hunters, but I’m simply a voyeur. My favorite part is at the end when they come back 3 months later & you see all the shit they’ve changed. The part that pisses me off is when everyone relentlessly insists that “this would be great for entertaining”.

    Fuck you. “Entertaining”. Jeebus.

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  26. What really grinds my gears with the home buy/sell shows is the assholes who come to view the house going on about the furniture, curtains, wall colors… HELLO, you are buying the house, not the fucking furniture shut up and envision your own crap in there… If’n you don’t like the go d damn color, make an offer taking paint into account. Fucking assholes.

    My goto channel, not so much specific show, is the food network. Only a handfull of shows on there make me change the channel.

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  27. Happy Birthday Grechen:)

    I watch Ghost Adventures avidly. I just found out that Aaron is a collector of my cousin’s artwork, which is cool. (http://www.myspace.com/adamsartbox). So if there’s a drinking game for Ghost Adventures, I’m totally there. Supernatural is another one of my favs too. Season 6 starts Friday and I couldn’t be happier.

    House Hunters has that effect on me too. I hate seeing the young couples go into immaculate castles and complain about everything. When my boyfriend were looking for our first house we were ecstatic about it, the only thing we were looking for was central air, but other than that the house was hideous. It had the most obnoxious shades of green covering every inch of the downstairs walls along with forest green carpet and a gigantic pastel blue sink. Mostly cosmetics, but we didn’t care. We wanted it that way, because that way we got to start from scratch and do what we wanted to it.

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  28. Happy Birfday, Gretchen!!1

    MMMMMMM…drawn butter.

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  29. I love to hate “House Hunters”, and the douchey house hunters themselves. My hatred has been lessened a LITTLE bit now that the show has gotten rid of the completely useless Suzanne Whang (sp?)

    My favorite ‘nothing better to do/watch’ shows are any of the Law & Orders (the older the better), and Discovery ID has one I’ve become addicted to called “Deadly Women.” It’s basically an hour-long version of “Snapped,” each episode about a few ‘themed’ cases – gold diggers, revenge killers, black widows, etc.

    Happy birthday to Gretchen!

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    clintcurtis Reply:

    Thanks for that input, Yvonne. I come to the comments section in hopes of meeting my third wife. I thinnk I’ll remove YOU from the list of prospective candidates, lol!

    Actually, if you want to see a really, really cool, funky movie, watch “The Honeymoon Killers.” The actual crimes were featured on one of the cable crime channel shows. The movie is from the 1960s and features Tony LoBianco and Shirley Stoller. The movie is campy and chilling at the same time. I highly recommend it!

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    Yvonne Reply:

    Hey, it’s not like I watch the show while furtively writing notes in my own secret code on how these women got caught so I can avoid making the same mistakes. Or whatever.

    Thanks for the recommendation! I believe Discovery ID also has some show called “Wicked Attraction”, or something like that, about homicidal couples. Haven’t caught that one yet, though. Jeez, I really do sound like a weirdo…

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    madz1966 Reply:

    Beloved can’t understand why I love those shows like “Snapped” and “Deadly Women” I just tell him I’m gathering info and getting ideas LOL!

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  30. my go to show is Dr G Medical Examiner. Fascinating and that woman knows her shit. I wish she could diagnose me alive. I hate the house or improvement shows, they just point out what I don’t have. Money and a “grilling space that flows with light” I have a sunny deck though.

    Score

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  31. If you trim your hedges your deck will look bigger.

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    Greg Reply:

    You’re darned right!

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    Valentin Reply:

    Lol. I didn’t get this until I walked away and came back.

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    bikerchick Reply:

    Quality not quantity. If you don’t know how to use your deck it doesn’t matter the size.

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  32. I am currently stuffed full of crab and smashed of Harp Lager. Awesome. THanks, you guys, for all the birthday wishes. I live you guys,m an!

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    icecycle66 Reply:

    I live me too.

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    WVKay Reply:

    Happy Birthday! Live and kisses.

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    madz1966 Reply:

    I htink your Harp Lager is kicking in! But that’s cool – we still live you.

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    Gretchen Reply:

    Yep, it was kicking, at that time. LOL! Nothing like drunk commenting to let everyone know you’re having a wonderful evening. And only a slight headache right now. It was worth it.

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  33. I’m currently looking for a house in Cincinnati. One thing about looking for a house is some of these assholes watch too much HGTV and EHM, and HH way too much.
    Faux finishes, granite counter tops, etc.
    To me a pool isn’t a selling feature, your shitty new carpet and paint are not selling features.
    I want a porch that I can sit on 3 seasons of the year, enjoy a beer and chuck my empties at the neighbors who stare at my bare ass when I go out in my snuggie to get the morning paper at noon.

    Also I would like a grilling space, but more than likely a so many cow garage which I would turn into a brewing space.

    Go to show is got to be law and order. I do get sucked into pawn stars, though.

    And from yesterday, I recently started taking a few vitamins. I bruise really easily lately and I’m guessing a lack of iron is part of the problem. Also I eat a few bananas a week. They are my go to fruit.

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  34. how about this house hunters cliche. “I don’t like the colour of this room”

    BUY A FUCKING CAN OF PAINT YOU LAZY FUCKS! holy shit. people made all kinds of comments about the colours in our house when we sold it, and ok, we’re a little bit bent when we pick our colours, but seriously, it’s twenty bucks a gallon, paint the fucker white you unoriginal pukes.

    and holy shit you should see what we’ve done to the new house!

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  35. That’s my point. It’s now your house, you can do whatever you want with it jerkwagon.
    Clean slate mother fuckers, clean muther fuckin’ slate.

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  36. That’s what we did. We had hard wood floors put into our downstairs, got rid of the forest green shag carpet, painted over the puke green in the kitchen and put a few coats of a bright Sunkist color and painted the living room a dark blue. I would also like to get rid of the doily curtains hanging over all the windows, and were working really hard trying to get this yard tamed that wasn’t taken care of for two years while the house was vacant. It’s coming along. I just recently dug up 6 dead bushes out of the front lawn a few weeks ago. We love it here.

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  37. Sometimes you just have to dig up some old bush and tame the yard.

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  38. Youre darned right!!

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  39. Lol, the bushes were really old, and yellow.

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  40. And dried out i bet.

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  41. Dry as sandpaper.

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  42. I can handle about 10-15 minutes of HH before wanting to go on a “Slap the Wannabe” binge.

    Go to drinking words would be:

    Travertine, transition, space, granite, surround, plasma, natural…

    I also like to play “You should read the manufacturer’s exclusions” while watching. It’s amazing how quickly people void warranties on new house stuff, simply because they made assumptions and refused to read.

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  43. I had to stop watching the “baby” shows on TLC. Seeing stupid hippies wanting a home birth in a baby pool when the pregnancy was too complicated made me want to barf. Who is most important here? Your “dream” birth or your infant’s life? GET A CLUE MORONS!

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    WVKay Reply:

    Yes! And don’t forget “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Bullshit, I say, bullshit.

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    Seanette Reply:

    I really don’t understand that show. I’ve never been pregnant, but seems to me that by the third trimester, you’d NOTICE you haven’t had normal periods for six months, all your clothes are too tight in the waist, you’re in the bathroom every couple of hours due to lack of room for your bladder, and you’ve got a gymnast kicking your internal organs.

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    Casey J Reply:

    I just saw one this morning, Homeless and Pregnant!! No shit, this poor chick is(supposedly)living in a tent. I thought there were programs in place…tohelp?? Why do they not work?? :( Made me sad.

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  44. Gretchen, Happy Birthday Sweetheart – hugs and kisses. I love when you sound happy – all y’all for that matter.

    Shiny Rod – Love Triple D – I bought the cookbook from season 2… lots of Italian, BBQ rubs and meats. I think the best part is Guy seems to love his job…. and what’s not to love?

    t-storm bare assed in a snuggie… thanks for the visual

    It is FUCKING STORMING out there. The lightning crashed right when I typed “t-storm”… nice timing.

    Brit – we moved from our appt to a new home in ’88 when we started out. at 26 – $120k at 11.5 % for 1250 square ft but we loved it and still do. It was simple, clean, the trees are huge, I had a nice big garage, a fenced in back yard for Farley (aka White Fang – Lone Hunter of the Tundra), a fireplace, we learnt how to paint, lay tile, do wainscoting, do crown molding, built a great cedar deck and what we wanted for the next house (been in the “new” house for 9 yrs). The whole pretentious crap I see on the shows just makes me think those folks have seriously missed out on some really satisfying good times but not doing what you or I did.

    I remember overhearing a builder’s salesman talking to someone buying a 4000 sq ft home at $650,000 (expensive at the time when we were buying ours for $120k) and hearing him say “ok, you ordered the upgraded paint, the upgraded carpet, the upgraded….” and I was thinking for that price, you shouldn’t need to upgrade.

    Uncle Wedgie – hopefully the novelty will wear off.

    When I hear :entitlement” I think of Filthy Rich Cattle Drive… here’s a sample
    http://www.videosurf.com/video/filthy-rich-cattle-drive-143931245

    you had to see some of these pukes to really appreciate my self control at not trying to Darth Vader Choke them through the TV.

    Greg’s darned right.

    I really can’t get enough of the Aquarium Channel (the summer replacement for the Yule Log Channel)

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  45. ETW – you somehow reminded me of Toddlers and Tiaras. Sorry, I ‘m not in to abusive parents. Some folks seem OK but they wouldn’t have a tv show at all if not for the nut bars.

    Billy the Exterminator. Dude, whoa, dude that’s a monster snake dude, whoa…. There was an episode when he almost got bit because rather than say “lookout snake” his brother yelled “dude, bro, man, watch out dude, there’s a big snake there bro…” Can’t watch it any more but it was fun for a while… just like Ice Road Truckers, ice Pilots, Pawn Stars, Dirty Jobs, Undercover CEO, Whale Wars, Deadliest Catch (we miss you Phil).. once you see the pattern it’s hard to get excited any more as they start to get predictable and format bound.

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    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    I thought it was just me. As much as I loved Deadliest Catch I just don’t see the point anymore. Or Dirty Jobs.

    Justified and Breaking Bad are good if you want to watch a series.

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    renn Reply:

    Chuck, Dirty Jobs is on for us girls.

    I would seriously watch Mike Rowe do ANYTHING. And I DO. It’s amazing that he used to be a random schlub on QVC. Get him some abs, get him a little dirty, give him a perpetual 5 o’clock shadow…

    Yessir, I’d like one of those.

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  46. I just had a small spider crawl down my arm. Where did he come from? How long was he on me? If it was a female did it bite me somewhere and lay eggs in me? Was it radioactive? Will I get spidey sense? Will I become a web flinger? Are there others I can’t see? Will I ever stop shaking uncontrollably and will the goose bumps ever recede?

    BTW he’s mush inside of a Kleenex right now.

    Why am I so freaking itchy right now?

    geez

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    I would have freaked the fuck OUT, man….. I am deathly afraid of spiders. I’m getting itchy and twitchy just reading your post. AAHHHHHH!

    [Reply]

  47. Sheesh – Elmore Leonard is 85. I’ve read all his books other than the Westerns.

    [Reply]

  48. Hot-
    That sounds great:) That’s one thing I wish we had or had the money to build was a big deck. We have a small rickety deck right now with a wheelchair ramp that we plan on ripping off one day. It gets the job done when we have company, but I’ve always wanted a big deck. I am lucky to have a dad who is a skilled carpenter though and can come help if need be. We also have a nice big yard and since we’re in an old nieghborhood, we’ve got plenty of ancient trees here too. They were asking 152 for it, but we got it for 137.5. It also has two bathrooms, and a nice master which pretty much sold us :D

    Off topic, but who was it that said they went and saw Primus recently? We are going to see him on October 2nd and I was just wondering how the show was? I am stoked for this show.

    [Reply]

    Ed Reply:

    I wish I had a big deck…

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    It’s not the size of your pencil, it’s how well you write your name. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

    [Reply]

    BoMama Reply:

    Don’t all men want a big deck?

    [Reply]

    Brittney Reply:

    I guess that or a big grill with a smoker.

    [Reply]

    icecycle66 Reply:

    Then there would be smoking deck.

    [Reply]

  49. I always told myself I will never go to Vegas…but I decided recently that if I did, it would be to visit the Gold and Silver pawn shop, and that’s it. I want to have a beer with the Old Man and Chumlee and watch them argue…and buy something of course. Possibly sell them something, but mostly to watch them argue.

    [Reply]

    squawvalleyskip Reply:

    Brit,
    My wife and I went in there on time before the show got big. When i go out of town I like to hit pawn shops, that’s how we ended up there. They are a lot friendlier on TV, I can tell you that. They guys that were in there gave us the evil eye the whole time we were in the place. I guess they like you better if they’re paying you 20 cents on the dollar for something that was just appraised right in front of you. Go to the top of the Stratosphere and go on the rides instead.

    [Reply]

  50. Love Dirty Jobs….Mike Rowe has some classic lines…”Hi Richard….do you prefer Dick?” HA HA.. Richard not amused…

    [Reply]

  51. Off-topic, but:

    Jeff and all,
    I heard about this on NPR. Daryl Hall has been recording informal little mini-concerts in his house for his site.
    The live playing and sound quality are really good, so is the vibe.

    If you haven’t already, check it out:
    http://www.livefromdarylshouse.com/welcome.html

    [Reply]

    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    Ugg…

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    This is actually pretty cool, whether your a fan of Daryl’s or not.

    [Reply]

    Ed Reply:

    Heh, I knew this would get a mixed reaction. The music is good , though.

    [Reply]

  52. Gretchen…

    Happy Birthday, girlie. Kick out the jams and dance in the moonlight.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  53. Happy Birthday, Gretchen.
    I HATE House Hunters. I’m getting ready to leave the Northeast for the big city of Norfolk and have been househunting. My mom watches HH religiously and I tried, I really did. Had I continued to watch I would have to get a new tv as well as a new house. If all goes well with the inspection this week, I will own my very first house in about a month. YEAH. Three bedroom, two baths, fireplace, garage and BIG fenced yard for the six year old and the dog. The moving part sucks though.

    [Reply]

  54. WTF?!? That’s looks like it shoulda been Tina’s ‘Stop Making Sense’ wardrobe!

    [Reply]

  55. Replies:

    1) How the hell could she play the bass in that thing?

    2) A boycott will not suffice. We need a king-hell girlcott.

    3) Why do you watch a show on which all the participants piss you off? Sounds like a reading opportunity.

    4) Live is a many-splendored thing.

    5) I would never have a raised wooden structure in my back yard. I have a brick patio that several of my friends and I laid nearly 20 years ago. It doesn’t dominate the yard, but it’s very functional. But yes, of course I’d like a big deck.

    6) I am rewatching season 1 of House. The only House Hunting I’m planning on is looking for season 2 in the DVD closet when I’m finished with season 1. Why would I watch Crap on cable when I can watch some of the best TV ever made?

    7) Yes I am and yes I do.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  56. dirty jobs…Mike was collecting horse cum (we all need hobbies) and step 1 is to was the horse’s storm trooper. After he cleaned it, he turned to his job coach and said “there, clean enough to eat off of”.

    Brit keep the ramp for when you’re the dd and the boyfriend needs to get from the car to the front door. Those stairs can change like Hogworths when you’ve been drinking.

    Wvanri.. good luck and enjoy.

    John – It’s not lupis.

    Everyone used to be on my deck. When it rained and my deck was all wet, it looked really awesome so I took pictures of my deck and showed everyone at work. My wife used to like to put her bare feet on my deck. I liked that too – it looked pretty natural. A man should be proud of his deck regardless of the size.. show it off… use it…make sure people remember your deck fondly.

    I am 14

    [Reply]

    Brittney Reply:

    We’ve already gotten drunk and taken rolling chairs down it. You can’t have a wheel chair ramp and rolling chairs and not use them together.

    [Reply]

  57. was the horse’s = wash the horse’s

    I am 14 and I can’t type

    [Reply]

  58. Happy belated Birthday Gretchen! Hope it was a great one!

    I don’t watch House Hunters much…at least not as much as I used to.
    I’d get jealous over the double sinks in the bathrooms and drink away my sorrows…or eat too many Twinkies…then my butt would grow and when I bent over to brush my teeth in the bathtub (because someone else was using the ONE sink we have in our bathroom) my pants would split open or I’d have to go pantless so I could breath…you know…stuff like that.

    The whole experience just became too traumatic for me.

    [Reply]

  59. My wife watches all of the “House Hunters Extreme Makeover of Dancing with the CSI Next Top Models looking for a Home” type shit. Gimme “Family Guy” any day.

    …oh, and then there all the Deadliest Catch type show my friends seem to be fascinated with. Hello????? Yeah, let’s WORK all frickin’ day, and THEN come home and watch WORKING on TV at night. It seems a bit like porn stars coming home at the end of a hard day and flipping on the TV and watching porno movies.

    [Reply]

  60. Does anybody watch Hell’s Kitchen? I’ve seen bits and pieces of it and can’t imagine anyone watching a whole show. Just some angry bastard yelling and screaming at people who seemingly could fuck up a grilled cheese sandwich. Just my .02.

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    I was never a line cook but I did have to go into a Red Lobster on a Saturday night to fix the computer back in the kitchen. From what I saw there I would want nothing to do with it. Mayhem would be a good description.

    [Reply]

    Brittney Reply:

    I worked at Red Lobster for awhile…you’re right, it is mayhem. I also got pretty tired of receiving ghetto treatment from some of the waitresses so I got the hell out of there. Still love the food though.

    [Reply]

    Brittney Reply:

    I watch that show…Chef Ramsey is a flaming asshole. He really has some anger management issues…I’m pretty sure some of those people leave there needing therapy.

    [Reply]

  61. I used to watch Cory Everson’s workout show. I would sit on the couch and drink coffee and smoke Winstons. I think I was mesmerized by her thighs. Or something.

    [Reply]

  62. My wife watches all those damned stupid designer shows with the queers sewing up butt-ugly crap and calling it fashion. And that full on flamer that comes around and give his “advice”. Makes me want to pitch the tube off the deck, but she gets completely engrossed in that shit. I used to like Martha Stewart’s kid when she was sarcastically dissing Martha. And America’s Dumbest is high on my list. Can’t help it if i got a crush on Tonya Harding. She’s white trash enough I coulda married her for a little while. Then theres Futurama. I was bummed when Drawn Together disappeared.

    [Reply]

  63. Two HH game suggestions – do a shot every time you hear the word “Wow” and you’ll be trashed pronto. Another one is to guess the house they chose – and do a shot if you are wrong (or right, whichever). When they have a marathon on a rainy day it’s a great way to get hammered…

    [Reply]

  64. My ex loves mike rowe. I don’t get it.
    I do love how he is running out of dirty shit to do.

    Today on dirty jobs I scrape the barnacles off of rosie odonnels thighs and I climb inside al gore to see if I can find a personality.

    [Reply]

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Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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