As I type this our internet is down (who the hell knows?), and our dryer has stopped heating. Yeah, it still tumbles — it tumbles real good — but it’s as cold as an assistant principal’s heart. I checked the breaker box, hoping it would be an easy fix, but you can probably guess how that worked out.
So, the curse of 2011 continues. Hopefully it will be broken in seventeen days or so. The good news? It’s all fairly low-grade problems, no car crashes or tumors the size of pumpkins, or anything like that. So, as yearlong curses go, I guess this one isn’t such a bad one to fall under? But I still don’t care for it. You can put my name in the “doesn’t care for yearlong curses” column, thank you very much.
Unless our internet service is restored, I guess I’ll have to save this update to a flash drive and upload it with my laptop and the Panera Bread wi-fi? Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen…
I remember when we had Adelphia cable (remember that turd of a company?) our internet would be down so often I had a back-up plan with NetZero, or some other cheap dial-up company. Adelphia would sometimes go down for three or four days in a row, and their customer service consisted of nothing but sassy, gum-chewing bitches who seemed to feed off my pain.
I think I paid something like $8.99 per month for the dial-up, and I’d just toggle over to it whenever the real service shit the bed. It was like an internet back-up generator. But all those problems went away the same day Adelphia was lowered into the ground. I know people say bad things about Comcast (all cable companies, in fact), but we have very few problems with them. Except for today, of course…
I’ve been attending quite a few swim meets lately, since our kids are on different teams, with different schedules. The high school meets feature diving, and apparently I don’t know much about it. I think I do, but am proven wrong, time after time.
For one thing, I don’t think I’ve seen one quality dive. Not one. Even the attempts which receive high scores from the judges look like Mountain Dew cliff-jumping to me. I mean, you’re not supposed to enter the water in a seated position, right? Perhaps I don’t know enough about it?
A few weeks ago there was a morbidly obese diver on the other team. Fat divers? It just doesn’t compute. And this guy would walk out to the end of the board, jump once, spring high in the air — and spin in a tight ball until he hit the water. WTF? That’s not a dive, that’s just something fatasses do at pool parties to amuse the beautiful people.
Some of the divers are propelled high in the air, apparently experience some sort of epileptic “event,” and hit the water on their left sides. Then the judges give them a high score. What the hell, man? Again and again I believe something has gone horribly wrong, and wonder if the diver will ever walk again. Then they emerge from the pool triumphant, to uproarious applause. It’s all very confusing to me.
Anyway… I’ve probably said enough. Ahem.
Have you ever used a handkerchief? Occasionally I see someone whip one out of their back pocket, rocket a load of snot and boogers into it, and put it back. And it seems so old fashioned, like something from the 1930s. Not to mention, disgusting as all hell…
I think my dad still uses them, but he’s 70. It’s the handkerchief-carrying people who are my age or younger that blow my mind. Do you have any experience with washable snot rags? What are your thoughts on this important issue?
And you know how I’ve been complaining, for years and years, about the “creaking door voice” that teenage girls often use? And you know how you thought I was out of my mind, imagining such nonsense? Well, check it out. I was way ahead on this one, and accept your apologies.
As mentioned, I recently read Stephen King’s time-travel novel, 11/22/63. In it, the narrator goes back in time to 1958, and hangs around long enough to try to stop the Kennedy assassination. So, he had to live for roughly five years in a previous era, knowing all he knows from 2011. It’s not the greatest book ever written, but certainly a lot of fun.
The guy in the book was trying to stop a major, tragic event from happening, but I was thinking… What small event from my life would I like to change, if I could travel to a previous decade? I think I’d try to influence the nineteen year old me to go for the FBI job I was offered. Then I could leap forward to 2011 again, and see what happened. That’s definitely a big “what if?” event from my life. I’d love to know what would have happened if I’d accepted that job.
If I found out I’d died in 1995 from seventeen bullets to the torso, I’d quickly return to 1981. And I’d try to convince the excruciating dipshit who used my name back then that I needed to move to New York or Los Angeles, and just go for it. The girlfriend I had at the time, I’d assure this retard, is not THE ONE. Tell her goodbye, load up the Chevy Luv truck, and try to be a comedy writer — like you want. You’ll regret it, if you don’t.
Those are two scenarios I’d like to explore, if I could go back and talk with me. What would you do? Please tell us about it in the comments section below.
And I guess I’m going to have to do this from Panera? Our internet is still down, and I don’t have the patience to call the customer service number. It just serves to agitate me, and I never actually receive any useable information. Ya know? So, I’ll just have a sandwich, and go from there.
I’ll see you guys again soon. Maybe tomorrow, but we’ll have to see how it goes. My to-do list is fairly discouraging, and now apparently includes a visit to the laundromat. Fantastic.
Have a great day, my friends!