The Best I Can Do, Under the Circumstances (Day 17 and Counting)

dutchboyCrossroads Road is free in the Kindle Store, through midnight Amazon-time on Saturday.  So, if you’ve been sitting on the fence, not ready to fork over $2.99 for two years of my life… now’s your chance to get ‘er for nothing.

If you know someone you think might enjoy it, please let them know.  Copies in circulation:  that’s the goal.

Last night I was on the sales page for the book, and noticed something new at the bottom.  It’s a section called “Shared Notes & Highlights.”  There, certain lines from the book are highlighted, and people can comment on them, etc.  I don’t know how long it’s been there, but it’s pretty interesting — the things people seize on.  Check it out.  One of them made me smile, especially.

As I type this, the book has been downloaded 665 times in the U.S., since 3 a.m.  Plus:

40 times in the U.K.
10 times in Germany
7 times in Canada
1 time in Brazil

Sure, I make nothing from it, but I like the idea of Jovis living inside peoples’ Kindles.

Before I started this crazy stretch of days, I printed out the section of the NEW book I’d been working on, thinking I might find the time to read through it and make some notes.  Ha!  I haven’t even looked at the thing.  It’s been a Chinese fire drill for 16 days, and counting.

Yesterday I was flipping out, screaming, “This is bullshit!!” and the director of our department walked up.  I rarely see her, but she popped up while I was melting down.  Fantastic.  Hopefully I won’t be summoned to the small room again.  I’ve been inside the small room several times through the years, and it’s no fun in there.

But, if I can just make it to 1:30 a.m. Thursday, I’ll be free for a few days.  I plan to sleep, drink some beer, and reintroduce myself to my kids.  I’m sure they remember me, but it might be a little hazy for them.  And I’m gonna attack that manuscript with a pen, and get that shit turned in soon.  It’s dragging out.

Here’s something I saw linked at Twitter last night, and I was laughing myself into a full-body jiggle.  The reviews are fantastic.

And I don’t know if I’m starting to hallucinate, but I’m pretty sure I heard a radio commercial advertising an upcoming concert featuring Steve Martin and Edie Brickell.  WTS?  Can that possibly be true?  I guess I could Google it, but I don’t have the energy.  It would be far too taxing.

Steve Martin was my first “concert.”  It was in the late 70s, at the height of his wild and crazy guy popularity.  There were 12,000 people there, for a comedy show.  It was absurd, and hilarious.

But why is he now touring with Edie Brickell?  It’s not a banjo tour, is it?  Weirdness.

Here’s a great article about Jean Shepherd.  I have over 800 of his radio shows in mp3 format, and have listened to all of them.  Recently I started over at the beginning again, and have made it to November 1965.  He keeps me company at work, along with Phil Hendrie, Adam Carolla, and E.  Check out the article.  There was more to the man than just A Christmas Story.

In fact, it kinda bugs me that people remember him for that movie, and not much else.  It’s like when people say, “Warren Zevon?  Is that the Werewolves of London guy?”  My jaw goes rigid.  Who else fits in that category?

This one’s been a mess, but hopefully not too torturous for you guys.  My brain is completely fried, and it’s the best I can do.

I don’t have a Question, so make of it what you will.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
Try Dropbox! It’s free and fantastic.

52 Responses to “The Best I Can Do, Under the Circumstances (Day 17 and Counting)”

  1. Why yes it is a banjo tour.

    [Reply]

  2. I saw a commercial a while back for that No-No hair removal thing. I guess there is one of those for guys also. It would be good if there was such a thing a man could use to shave his face with. I don’t understand removing chest hair or whatever else. I guess that is something the new generation does.

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  3. Jeff, have you ever listened to the Ricky Gervais (& Steven Merchant & Karl Polkington) radio shows and/or podcasts? I have laughed and laughed and laughed, might be worth your time.

    [Reply]

    junkfood Reply:

    “Pilkington”, dammit.

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    Dogberry Reply:

    Another vote for Pilkington et al. Too funny.

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  4. Trivia:

    Edie Brickell is married to Paul Simon.

    [Reply]

    madz1962 Reply:

    More triva: At the age of 67, Steve Martin and his wife (some 41 year old chick) just had their first baby. Steve’s very first child!

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    It was also reported, at the exact moment when Martin actually conceived the child, dust flew out. I guess that stuff mixes with water and comes up with the same result.

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    I think he even named him Dusty…but I could be wrong

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  5. Jeff, please attack the new book with a fresh, not fried mind. I edited a paper for school when I was completely fried and ended up trashing quite a bit of it. 30 years later, I’m still pissed about it.

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  6. ” It’s like when people say, “Warren Zevon? Is that the Werewolves of London guy?” My jaw goes rigid. Who else fits in that category?”

    The Clash for Rock the Casbah.

    [Reply]

  7. Also, when people say: “John Lennon; isn’t he the ex-Beatle peace activist that wrote Imagine and Give Peace a Chance?”

    Most people never knew what an accomplished juggler he was.

    [Reply]

    t-storm Reply:

    he juggled my balls.

    [Reply]

    Dave Reply:

    HE was also a ventriloquist..most people don’t know that

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    Miss Q Reply:

    Could he juggle baby geese? Goslings? Now THAT’S entertainment.

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    He also was an accomplished glass blower.

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  8. lol yeah it actually is a banjo tour. I hope that doesn’t push you over the edge. I’ve seen Steve Martin doing more public performances of banjo in the last five years than anything else.

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  9. International Selling Author Jeff Kay.

    [Reply]

    madz1962 Reply:

    Boy, does that have a lovely ring to it!

    [Reply]

  10. PUT A JOVIS IN YER KINDLE!!!

    [Reply]

  11. Same thing with Hall and Oates: “Aren’t they the pop singers that had all of those ‘rock and soul’ hits?”

    No one ever remarks about how they hold the work record for backwards power-walking.

    [Reply]

  12. work record, world record

    whatever

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  13. there accually are familys named bumpus in southern wv
    who knew that was a real name

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  14. Went to a Steve Martin concert in 2011. Opening line: “I can’t believe that I’m in Portland Maine playing Bluegrass…and neither can my career.” But It was actually a really good show, a nice mix of comedy and banjo with him and the Steep Canyon Rangers. “Now we’re going to do a sing-a-long, but the piece we’re doing has no words, so good luck.” Come to find out he won a Grammy for his first bluegrass CD.

    [Reply]

  15. I only read about 3 or 4 of the reviews on Veet because I think it’s dangerous for me to laugh so hard. Hysterical!!!

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    I love that the Veet contains urea and propylene glycol, aka piss and antifreeze.
    .

    [Reply]

  16. Only remembered for one thing?
    Bill Buckner of the Red Sox. Miss one ground ball….

    [Reply]

  17. You know what’s bullshit, the issuance of $1 coins. Every time I go to the bank, I try to get a roll of $1 coins. Rolls are $25. They rarely have one. Today I’m flush with cash; I have $100, green on one side and grey on the other. The main Chase bank here didn’t even have that much coinage. They had about $60. The bank only carries what is in circulation. And therein lies the problem. $1 coins will never succeed in circulation because they are not in circulation. It’s a Catch-22, assholes.

    I ask the head banker to order some $1 coins next time they need money from the federal reserve. She explained that they have to purchase $1000 (one thousand), and increments of $1000, from the federal reserve banks to get $1 coins. Who the hell needs $1000 in $1 change? The hundred bucks I wanted would be my tipping cash for the next year. It would take damn near a decade for me to get $1000 in change in circulation by myself. THERE AREN’T MANY PEOPLE LOOKING TO CARRY AROUND ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS IN CHANGE! There are even fewer that are looking to go into group buys of money they already have.

    If you want to look at businesses to do it, they don’t have any incentive. It’s just an additional pain in the ass for a store manager to try and get coins. Once a business gets their cash flow going, they just use common circulation to keep the till full.

    There is no reason in the world for anybody to use $1 coins because the federal reserve banks refuse to deliver the coins in quantities less than a thousand and NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT MUCH CHANGE ALL AT ONCE!

    —–

    The Lorena Garcia Taco Bell menu is also bullshit.

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    The last time I went to Detroit, we stopped at a rest area on the Michigan side to piss. My friend put a five dollar bill in a pop machine for a $1.50 soda, and it gave him three $1 coins and two quarters for change. It’s the only time I’ve seen it used as currency.

    [Reply]

    Clueless Reply:

    I buy $5-10 worth of dollar coins every month or so from my local community bank because I think they’re more fun to spend than boring dollar bills. If they ever became widely circulated, the novelty would wear off.

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    There is a parking garage I use that has one of those self pay machines. If you pay cash, it gives change in dollar coins. So now I have a collection of “Shell Mr. President” coins that are legal tender; also the odd Sacajawea.
    .

    [Reply]

  18. The reviewson amazon are great. I only read three stars and below. Whiny bitches

    [Reply]

  19. Say Devo, and most people reply “right, they did Whip It”.

    Jeff, thanks for the Jean Shepherd link. I used to listen to him on WOR, and I’m still angling for the brass figlagee.
    .

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  20. FIery razors of agony, you need to have the Crossroads Road available in a non-platform specific format, like a pdf for instance.

    [Reply]

  21. Work-related hallunication story: About five years ago, I still had my own architectural consulting business. I was literally up for over 80 hours trying to meet a deadline on a rush job. On the morning of the last day, I had to drive all the prints and drawings to a neighboring town, a 45 minute trip, in the middle of a snowstorm. About 10 minutes into the drive, I glance over at the passenger seat and there’s a tiny little monkey sitting there looking at me. Now normally this would make me laugh or I’d realize it couldn’t possibly be real and just brush it off. Not this time. I’m so gone that I start getting really nervous because this monkey just keeps looking at me, like he’s waiting for something. I’m trying to concentrate on driving and this damn monkey just keeps staring at me. I’m trying not to slide off the road and everytime I look out of the corner of my eye, this monkeys still there and I’m starting to freak out. Finally I just pull off into the median and jump out of the car. First I’m yelling at the monkey to get out of my car, then I’m trying to coax it out with imaginary bananas, then I’m just standing there in the blowing snow trying to figure out what to do next. Eventually I realize the monkey is no longer there so I get back in the car (after checking the backseat and under the front seats for the damn little thing) and drive the remaining couple minutes, drop the drawings off, pull into a McDonalds parking lot and sleep for 6 hours. I’ve never seen the monkey again. Sometimes I miss that little bastard…

    [Reply]

  22. …”hallucination”, not “hallunication”. That wouldn’t even make sense…

    [Reply]

    Seanette Reply:

    I thought you’d combined the words “hallucination” and “communication” in an interesting way. :)

    [Reply]

  23. Obviously the whole thing still freaks me out a little

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  24. That monkey was real

    [Reply]

    m Reply:

    He left that poor monkey out in the snow!

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  25. I’ve never permitted my monkey to ride in the passenger seat. He’s been on my back for many years, right where I can keep an eye on him. We both seem to like it better this way. Neither one of us would like to take the role of casual observer in any of the shit we get ourselves into.

    [Reply]

  26. …and congrats Jeff on, “Mission Accomplished”. Rest well in knowing that terminal slackers everywhere hope you spend the rest of your days stepping in dog shit everyday on your way to work.

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  27. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS. – Good advice

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  28. Let’s raise a Yuengling to Jeff! He’s on his last day of his 18 hour haul.

    Hip! Hip! Hooraaaaaaaaay!

    [Reply]

  29. I’m so glad I took the plunge and clicked on the Veet review link. I’m never quite sure what you’re linking to, Jeff, so I tend to not click them while at work (because I don’t want to get fired and/or go to jail). No offense to you – ‘cuz your writing’s great – but I haven’t laughed that hard, yet silently in quite awhile

    [Reply]

  30. JEFF… When I saw this I thoughtof you. Sounds awsome. It is too bad I don’t drink or I would make it tonight..

    http://www.esquire.com/blogs/food-for-men/chocolate-bourbon-pie-recipe-082112

    Makers Mark Pie. Fucking brilliant…

    [Reply]

  31. I got your ebook, and laughed all the way through it! Looking forward to reading more from you, I like your sense of humor! Thanks for making your ebook free.

    [Reply]

  32. Hunter S. Thompson – mostly known for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Campaign Trail and Hell’s Angels, not so much.

    [Reply]

  33. Hugh Laurie, only known in the States for “House”.

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  34. Yankees 9 at Red Sox 0

    W: Dutch Ruether (3-0)

    L: Slim Harriss (1-4)

    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E
    – – – – – – – – – – – -
    Yankees 1 0 4 0 3 1 0 0 0 9 12 1
    Red Sox 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 6 2

    New York Yankees

    Earle Combs CF 4 2 0 0 1 0 .333 .786 5 0
    Mark Koenig SS 5 1 2 1 0 0 .426 1.019 4 5 3B
    Babe Ruth LF 4 3 3 3 1 0 .313 1.076 3 0 HR,2B
    Lou Gehrig 1B 4 1 1 1 1 1 .431 1.399 11 1 3B
    Bob Meusel RF 5 0 2 1 0 2 .414 1.064 0 0 3B
    Tony Lazzeri 2B 4 1 2 1 1 0 .268 .839 3 4 2B
    Joe Dugan 3B 5 1 1 1 0 0 .308 .615 0 0
    Pat Collins C 5 0 1 1 0 1 .375 1.066 1 0 3B
    Dutch Ruether P 3 0 0 0 1 1 .308 .742 0 3

    Team Totals 39 9 12 9 5 5 .308 1.027 27 13

    Boston Red Sox

    Pee-Wee Wanninger SS 3 0 0 0 0 0 .227 .561 3 3
    Jack Rothrock SS 2 0 1 0 0 0 .179 .531 1 1
    Fred Haney 3B 3 0 0 0 1 1 .154 .602 1 1
    Jack Tobin RF 3 0 0 0 1 0 .365 .900 1 0
    Ira Flagstead CF 3 0 1 0 0 0 .268 .766 2 0 HBP
    Baby Doll Jacobson LF 4 0 1 0 0 0 .293 .731 1 0
    Phil Todt 1B 3 0 1 0 1 0 .146 .441 12 1 2B
    Bill Regan 2B 4 0 1 0 0 0 .185 .464 1 3
    Fred Hofmann C 2 0 0 0 1 0 .190 .558 5 0
    Red Rollings PR 0 0 0 0 0 0 .000 .000
    Rudy Sommers P 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1
    Wally Shaner PH 1 0 0 0 0 0 .125 .313
    Slim Harriss P 1 0 0 0 0 0 .111 .222 0 3
    Topper Rigney PH 1 0 0 0 0 0 .111 .325
    Del Lundgren P 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
    Grover Hartley C 2 0 1 0 0 0 .250 .800 0 0 2B

    Team Totals 32 0 6 0 4 1 .188 .547 27 13

    Batting

    AB

    R

    H

    RBI

    BB

    SO

    BA

    OPS

    PO

    A

    Earle Combs CF 4 2 0 0 1 0 .333 .786 5 0
    Mark Koenig SS 5 1 2 1 0 0 .426 1.019 4 5 3B
    Babe Ruth LF 4 3 3 3 1 0 .313 1.076 3 0 HR,2B
    Lou Gehrig 1B 4 1 1 1 1 1 .431 1.399 11 1 3B
    Bob Meusel RF 5 0 2 1 0 2 .414 1.064 0 0 3B
    Tony Lazzeri 2B 4 1 2 1 1 0 .268 .839 3 4 2B
    Joe Dugan 3B 5 1 1 1 0 0 .308 .615 0 0
    Pat Collins C 5 0 1 1 0 1 .375 1.066 1 0 3B
    Dutch Ruether P 3 0 0 0 1 1 .308 .742 0 3

    Team Totals 39 9 12 9 5 5 .308 1.027 27 13

    2B: B Ruth (1); T Lazzeri (4).

    3B: P Collins (1); M Koenig (2); B Meusel (3); L Gehrig (3).

    HR: B Ruth (4).

    TB: B Ruth 7; M Koenig 4; B Meusel 4; P Collins 3; L Gehrig 3; T Lazzeri 3; J Dugan.

    RBI: B Ruth 3 (6); L Gehrig (22); P Collins (4); J Dugan (1); M Koenig (8); B Meusel (16); T Lazzeri (14).

    Team LOB: 8.

    Fielding

    DP: 2. M Koenig; M Koenig-T Lazzeri-L Gehrig.

    E: M Koenig (4).

    Boston Red Sox

    Glossary · SHARE · Embed · CSV · PRE · LINK · ?

    Batting

    AB

    R

    H

    RBI

    BB

    SO

    BA

    OPS

    PO

    A

    Pee-Wee Wanninger SS 3 0 0 0 0 0 .227 .561 3 3
    Jack Rothrock SS 2 0 1 0 0 0 .179 .531 1 1
    Fred Haney 3B 3 0 0 0 1 1 .154 .602 1 1
    Jack Tobin RF 3 0 0 0 1 0 .365 .900 1 0
    Ira Flagstead CF 3 0 1 0 0 0 .268 .766 2 0 HBP
    Baby Doll Jacobson LF 4 0 1 0 0 0 .293 .731 1 0
    Phil Todt 1B 3 0 1 0 1 0 .146 .441 12 1 2B
    Bill Regan 2B 4 0 1 0 0 0 .185 .464 1 3
    Fred Hofmann C 2 0 0 0 1 0 .190 .558 5 0
    Red Rollings PR 0 0 0 0 0 0 .000 .000
    Rudy Sommers P 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1
    Wally Shaner PH 1 0 0 0 0 0 .125 .313
    Slim Harriss P 1 0 0 0 0 0 .111 .222 0 3
    Topper Rigney PH 1 0 0 0 0 0 .111 .325
    Del Lundgren P 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
    Grover Hartley C 2 0 1 0 0 0 .250 .800 0 0 2B

    Team Totals 32 0 6 0 4 1 .188 .547 27 13

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    Yes, I had a little problem copy/pasting that into the WVSR. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?

    jtb

    [Reply]

  35. N.B. Keep your hat on. We may end up miles from here.

    [Reply]

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So, who is this guy?

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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