Special Report: How I Nearly Blinded Myself While Eating Lunch

As you guys know, I don’t like to complain.  Indeed, I’ve built this site on a foundation of positive thought and inspirational tales of common folks overcoming emotional obstacles.  And I have a very busy public speaking schedule, where I deliver an inspirational message to upper management folks at Fortune 500 companies, entitled ‘You Can Do It!’

However, I need to get something off my chest, so to speak.

I nearly blinded myself on Sunday night.  Yes, that’s correct, it was touch and go for a few seconds…  I was at work, you see, eating a Hot Pocket on my lunch break.  And the son of a bitch was hotter than a 9/11 girder.  Since I only get 30 minutes for lunch, I didn’t have time to allow nature to bring the temperature down.  So, I was forced to improvise.

I grabbed a plastic fork from the plastic fork bin, and began cutting that bastard up into bite-sized chunks.  I believed that was the best course of action…  It would cool faster if I segmented it, and I could also blow on each individual piece before eating.  I was confident I’d be able to consume that hot-ass thing within the allotted amount of time, without destroying my tongue, lips, and the roof of my mouth.

But tragedy struck.  While I was cutting near the middle of the molten pouch, the fork exploded.  It shattered into about five pieces, and a large amount of the filling (ham & cheese) was launched toward my right eye.

With the dexterity of a ninja, though, I managed to lean back and avoid having to wear a pirate’s eye patch for the rest of my life.  Even though that would be kind of cool…  And the airborne glop hit me on the right shoulder: a huge super-hot load of orange.

Everyone in the break room looked up when they heard the fork snap, and saw me sitting there with a frightened/surprised expression and Hot Pocket filling on my shirt.  And they all busted out laughing at the exact same time.  One guy actually fell out of his chair.

“Fuck!” I hollered.  And began pawing at the mess with a pile of napkins.  (More laughter.)  It was burning through two layers of shirt, and it felt like my tit was sizzling.  But I got it off before a skin graft would be necessary…

However, I now had a huge oily circle on the front of my shirt — with five hours left to work.  I also smelled like Hot Pockets, which isn’t the worst thing in the world.  But who wants to walk around smelling like food, with a giant stain on their shirt?  I mean, seriously.

The whole episode was highly unsatisfactory.  And every time someone saw that wheel of disgrace, for the rest of the evening, they started laughing all over again.  Grrr…

Today I’m just taking a sandwich.  Screw it.  I don’t think I’ll need to wear protective goggles around shaved turkey, and a piece of lettuce.  But I’ll keep you updated.

I have a few other items that probably won’t fit into my ‘You Can Do It!’ seminar format.  But I don’t want to overdo things.  Tomorrow I’ll tell you about a fetus with lipstick ordering a hoagie, and how I had to clip our dog’s ass hair because dingles were forming.

Have a great day, boys and girls!

Now playing in the bunker
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71 Responses to “Special Report: How I Nearly Blinded Myself While Eating Lunch”

  1. Mmmmmm, sandwich!

    [Reply]

    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    Mmmmmm, Sizzling Tit. Or a great band name.

    [Reply]

  2. That’s why my co-worker keeps one of those Tide stick things in the kitchen at our office–so SHE won’t have to watch me go through the day with food stains on my clothes. Today it was from one of those frozen chinese boxes–first bite down shirt. I had nuked it for 6-1/2 minutes instead of 5 so it was hot enough to burn my right side tit cleavage through my cotton polo shirt. Just cannot take me anywhere.

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  3. **Whew** You were this close | | to becoming a Fark headline.

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    CitizenX Reply:

    Ding! Hot Pockets! [ringtone]

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  4. That scene from Aliens where the marine with the heavy duty machine gun gets sprayed with Alien blood/acid and it burns through his gear and skin? Amirite?

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  5. Eat the thing frozen. It can’t taste any worse and would be much safer for you to deal with. I’ve always feared one of those pockets of death would kill me someday. You survived a maiming. But hey…look at the money you’d be saving on contact lenses.

    ***thought I saw a blurb in Rolling Stone that said something like….”the Dingles were forming”…to go back out on tour or something…dunno?

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  6. I just laughed along with your co-workers at you.
    Hot Pockets. Jeezus Jeff, nothing good can come from that.

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  7. Cutting food other than pudding with a plastic fork is dangerous and should be preceded by perforation.

    In this case, “stabbing the hot pocket” would be the operative.

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    Jed Reply:

    Speaking of pudding, prepare yourself for a hot pocket calling card later on. Hope your TP dispenser has ball bearings on it.

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  8. Mmmmm, yummy:

    http://www.mnn.com/health/fitness-well-being/blogs/hot-pockets-scary-ingredient-list-illustrated

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  9. I tried those Hot Pockets years ago and decided they were shit.

    My daughter recently bought a box of them (ham and cheese), decided to try one again.

    They definitely are shit, and gave me heart burn for about 4 hours. Never again.

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  10. Jeff, for cryin’ out loud – Hot Pockets. Really? You deserve better than that.

    Take an apple, an orange, a banana and a quart of water to work. You will not get hungry, I promise, plus I doubt if you’ll be at risk from an exploding banana. And your ticker will thank you.

    Two cannibals are having dinner.

    1st cannibal: “I hope you won’t get mad or anything but I really can’t stand your sister.”

    2nd cannibal: “I’m not mad. Just eat the noodles then.”

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    madz1962 Reply:

    I agree – No Hot Pockets, Jeff. That ranks up their with those sodium packed “Lunchables” or the lazy ho lunch – those peacut butter and jelly “crsutables” or whatever the hell they’re called.

    Stick with the shaved turkey. Unless, of course, you’re the one shaving the turkey . That could result in some serious accidents.

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    Pete G Reply:

    I agree, Jeff. You haven’t really been thinking about your fans. What will we do when you have a myocardial infarction? I appreciate your “taking one for the team” approach to fast food investigation, but you don’t have to “take every one for every team”.

    Oh, and pre-sliced lunch meat is probably made with some color of slime.

    Pete

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  11. I keep a metal fork in my desk and just rinse it off and dry it with a paper towel after I’ve finished my Hot Pocket. Ham & Chees are my favorites.

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    dto Reply:

    And that is exactly why you’ll live the rest of your life alone.

    [Reply]

    Pete G Reply:

    ROFLMAO

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    WB in OH Reply:

    I will live the rest of my life alone because I choose to, not because I love ham and cheese Hot Pockets and grape Kool-Aid. :)

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    Alex Reply:

    ya, just keep telling yourself that… =-)

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  12. I had a freak mishap when I worked at McDonald’s a million years ago. Some twat wasn’t paying attention andjerked around suddenly spraying an arc of ammonia – 1/2 of which landed in my right eye. Six days later, everyone got their hearing back. So – yeah – fucking OW. I can truly relate.

    The incident didn’t lead to any blindness but I wonder if it sped up my vision suckage. I think I’m 20/500 or something crazy like that. A few more notches and i’ll need the metallic stick and dog anyway.

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  13. Maybe you need to go back to your “Marty Cadwalader” meals. They never treated you like that.

    Nevertheless, it sounds like some plastic fork, Hot Pocket, or microwave litigation is clearly in order! I think you’re a victim and you need a cash award.

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  14. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4ij50dFBGo&feature=relmfu

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    Video evidence that you need a metal fork! His Mom cuts his up just like mine does.

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    m Reply:

    Oh no, not this guy again. He really, really disturbs me. I’m pretty sure he’s got some poor woman chained in his cellar. She probably got electrocuted because he didn’t like the Lean Pocket.

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    Jed Reply:

    I love the way he wears his glasses off his ears. Nice background. The definition of lonely personified.

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  15. You are pretty darn lucky you got through this ordeal OK, Jeff. I am pretty sure an exploding Hot Pocket is what killed Whitney Houston. I have not ahd a chance to read the coroner’s report yet.

    Maybe I am thinking of Michael Jackson…..

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  16. A sandwich as a safe alternative? I think not.

    Remember Mama Cass…

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    WB in OH Reply:

    More ham hatred, what’s with everyone today?
    http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/mamacass.asp

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    CADude Reply:

    I simply chose to ignore the truth and go with the urban myth.

    A little frivolity to go with my ever-growing cantankerousness.

    Balance is so important in life.

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  17. Last time I was afflicted with a “super hot load of orange”, I was taking Alli.

    I had an moment with a bowl of French Onion soup once. Took a bite and the hot, molten cheese splattered all over my chin. Of course, all the sick-o’s I was with naturally thought of the “white glob” on my chin was the money shot of all time. Guess it went with soup running down my neck. But it hurt like a sumbitch. Lesson learned. Let that shit cool down.

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  18. “But who wants to walk around smelling like food, with a giant stain on their shirt? I mean, seriously.”

    Window lickers approve of that fashion statement…

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  19. ummmm…. I’m still not ready for 9/11 comedic references.

    And stop eating that crap.

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    hot fuzz Reply:

    It was an edgy reference but how else does he test the waters? At least he waited longer than Gilbert Godfried.

    I cringed too btw. But still, I think we know where his heart is.

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    The Kuban Reply:

    I laughed. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t really care, mind you.

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    Aqua Reply:

    I lost a very dear friend and fambly member on 9/11 when Tower 2 fell. He was an FDNY fireman. I walked around in a daze for weeks, and I even got fired from work after flipping out that our store wasn’t going to participate in the National 10 minute vigil that following Friday that all the other big box stores up and down the street were actually participating in. ( I worked at Wal-Mart, it figures amirite?)

    If that was then, or on the anniversary, or standing in the memorial, or hell in a bistro across the street, I might accuse Jeff of poor taste, but now I wouldn’t admonish him. He didn’t make the comment meanly. I would just mildly tell you it is likely time to lighten up.

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  20. Haters love to hate, but there is nothing wrong with the occasional indulgence in processed convenience food. I prefer to cook when I can, but it’s not always possible.
    .

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  21. Wow man, suddenly and without provocation last week my plastic fork exploded into a milliion pieces too – ruined perfectly good leftover pierogies…..

    bastard forks…

    sorry bout the hot-pocket fiasco- I was always afraid of this very thing happening…

    [Reply]

  22. Jeff,

    How in the world is eating hot pockets going to help you lose those 25 pounds we discussed?

    Signed,
    Your Doctor

    P.S. – Drop the 25 lbs. or I’ll stick a hot pocket you know where at your next check-up.

    [Reply]

  23. I love a hot pocket, but are we not going to make fun of jeff for eating a hot pocket with a fork? Is he going to cut the crust off of his safety sandwich? Is he going to eat pizza with a knife and fork with his pinkies out? I guess pizza rolls are definately on the no eat list.

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    dto Reply:

    He uses the fork as a distraction to make people think he’s actually eating real food. Middle management cant be seen clutching their food and staring mindless about, chewing away and swigging a Mountain Dew after every bite. I’m surprised he doesn’t have a little candle going in front of him.

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  24. I think “hot pockets” killed more men than prostate cancer in 2011. Glad you’re still with us Jeff.

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  25. Real all three entries for “Alabama hot-pocket”.

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=alabama%20hot-pocket

    Jesus Christ.

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    That is passing nasty.
    .

    [Reply]

    Rick Reply:

    Ah bugger, I figured someone else here would have heard that phrase before. Thanks for confirming my suspicions about WVSR readers. :-)

    [Reply]

    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    I want the 10 minutes back that I just lost at that site.

    [Reply]

  26. Are you too old to wear a bib?

    i make it a point to not eat anything that’ll destroy clothes if i’m working… because i’m klutzy too….

    [Reply]

  27. Too soon.

    Too soon.

    [Reply]

  28. Hey!

    Jeff made the news.

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-winded-after-particularly-lengthy-wendys,28360/

    [Reply]

  29. “And the son of a bitch was hotter than a 9/11 girder” made me laugh for a good while. Hit the sweet spot for me.

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  30. This, on the other hand…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&v=dIqN7Cj2Sjw&NR=1

    [Reply]

    Clueless Reply:

    You’re tied with Jason for distasteful link of the day.

    [Reply]

  31. Doc Watson 1923 – 2012

    May you play in peace and without pain, and see all there is to see.

    John

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  32. For the easily entertained, here is the Urban Dictionary section for West Virginia…

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=West+Virginia

    And yes, RIP Doc Watson, one of my inspirations.

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  33. Howard Stern said it best a few years ago, “…you know what it fucking tastes like, so why are you eating it?”

    The ultimate meal of shame.

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  34. A pirate eye patch would be so cool. I’e actually thought of buying one just to look cool!

    [Reply]

    Jason Reply:

    I saw a guy in Costco who had an eye patch that was stuck to his forehead. He must just wear it in the sun or something, so he pushed it up there so he could see better while indoors, I thought. I was fascinated by the thing, it was fancy as far as eye patches go.

    I caught him coming out of the restroom and got a good look at the thing. From the side I could see something shocking under his patch. Turns out he was using the patch on his forehead for a reason. It was being used to cover a giant flesh volcano of some sort that seeping stuff. He used the patch like one would use a bandanna. I’d never seen this before and hope you guys get a chance to see it before you die.

    [Reply]

  35. My advice for safely cooking any frozen item. Let it defrost from morning til lunch in a refrigerator. Cook it on the popcorn setting on any microwave. At worst, it’ll be slightly cool in the middle. There will be no scalding on any part of your body.
    No judgement here on the eating of the hot pockets.

    [Reply]

  36. I have no problem with the 9/11 joke. It was descriptive and clever, I thought.

    Let’s not turn into a bunch of blubbering vaginas here.

    [Reply]

  37. I just almost killed myself hurtling through the bathroom stall door because the goddamn toilet overflowed again. And I swear, I only pee’d. Fucking thing overflows every single day.

    [Reply]

  38. That turkey sandwich must be kicking Jeffs ass.

    [Reply]

    CADude Reply:

    All we could do was try to warn him: there’s no safety in sandwiches.

    [Reply]

  39. Don’t mean to be a wet blanket but the 9/11 comment was not cool. I didn’t lose anyone I knew in either tower or the Pentagon or the flight that crashed or the 1,000′s of soldiers that died fighting since overseas but it is still to fresh in my mind to make jokes about it. Keep in mind, I have been known to make a comment about when I was in Nam when my leg goes to sleep or something like that even though I wasn’t in Nam so I’m not trying to be a hypocyite or anything like that. Jeff–be above that kind of humor because it’s not you and it’s not funny.

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    But you see…here’s the deal dude (or perhaps dudette…dunno?)….that subject is ok for you to goof on? Seems like long ago huh? Somebody else’s shit-pile so the jokes are ok now. Right? Funny how that happens. A absolute modern times tragedy with an enormous death count and jokes are ok now? 9/11 pales by comparison but was a good, more recent times call to arms. By no means do I mean to diminish that fucked up day of 9/11…just point out perspective. Some tragedies or ok to joke about but others aren’t. Why? Time? Closeness to the event? Why? Yes…you do seem hypocritical. Ain’t raggin’ on ya dude/dudette. Just strikes me odd in your perspectives.

    ***some Nam guys that WERE there, still will not put up with any joke about it….a.k.a….Perspective!

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  40. I did not mind the girder joke. Thought it was done well and actually a very good reference point and funny. Black Comedy (no…not Richard Pryor) and its kissing cousin Dark Comedy have always been the grey area of humor. Not for everyone on every subject. Me…I seem to have no boundaries. In fact…I think kissing cousins are kinda hot…especially if they’re girls. I keep an open mind on all fronts. I really do. Like…I ain’t a Republican but I bang Sarah Palin

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  41. ***……I’d bang…..etc.

    saw that right when i hit ‘submit’….crap….I’m pathetic. Ruin the joke in the last four words.

    “Never Give Up…Never Surrender”…….Galaxy Quest

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  42. ****time for a dick joke don’t ya think. Here’s an old one of mine..( the joke, that is)

    Two dicks walk into a crowded bar. One dick says to the other…”Wanna just stand up?”

    ***yeah…I’m up early/late. Home alone for the next 10 days. Wife gone. Work looms on the horizon like a smoldering pile of slow death. I may not walk in it’s direction just yet. I think I’ll just hang out. Stop by if you’re out this way…..honest.

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  43. So , is it safe to assume that everyone who was offended by the 9/11 remark were also offended by Hogan’s Heros? You can’t go thru life being offended by a joke. If you do, you will have one sad existence.

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    @Jerry in WV…you know my reply was to Jerdog…right? Just checking. I fucking hate pitch forks and torches on any occasion.

    [Reply]

    The Qweezy Mark Reply:

    It’s Jeff’s site, he can say whatever he wants. Those that don’t like it are free to not read.

    [Reply]

    t-storm Reply:

    Man. If you get offended by that you probably are on Sue’s side.

    [Reply]

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So, who is this guy?

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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