Today is Toney’s birthday, tomorrow is the younger boy’s birthday, and later in the month… I turn 50. Good god! It gives me the heebie jeebies, just typing it out like that. How is such a thing possible? I feel exactly the way I did when I was 30. I look like hell, but don’t feel any different. It’s a hard thing to comprehend.
One thing’s for sure, though: I don’t like it. I know it’s just a number, and all those clichés, but it’s a pretty goddamn high number. And I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t bother me. Oh, I’m not obsessed with it. But I have this panicked feeling, like I’m running out of time. So many days and months and years… thrown away on bullshit. Regrets? I have a few.
Oh well. At least I have a false sense of security, as it pertains to my health. I feel good, which is what everybody says right before they keel over. Right? Dammit!
Here’s a text message conversation I just had with the younger Secret – who will be 14 tomorrow.
Me: What are you doing?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Everything OK?
Him: Yeah.
Me: How’s McStench? (this is what I sometimes call our dog, Andy)
Him: He’s fine.
Me: He was yelling racial slurs earlier.
Him: At the mailman?
Me: At the guys taking down the neighbors’ awnings across the street.
Him: Oh.
Me: Turns out, Andy is a pretty big racist.
Him: I didn’t know that.
Me: Practically a Klansman.
Him: That’s too bad.
Me: He’s on the wrong side of history.
Him: There’s probably nothing we can do about it at this point.
How could that boy be 14 already, and playing straight man to my idiocy? He was just born, like, six years ago. Is there some kind of wrinkle in time going on?? We have video from the day he was born, and I had a big ol’ Amish beard of some sort. I looked like a blue-ribbon asshole. Every time I see it, I scream, “Why didn’t somebody tell me? Why didn’t somebody step in?!”
Anyway, I’m getting way off track here… I think I was mildly depressed when I turned 40, too. I mean, I’m a dumbass that’s somehow made it deep into responsible adult territory. Every day I’m out in the real world, I’m faking it; I’m a complete fraud. And when they have block parties here, and I’m forced to mingle with all the other neighborhood dads… I’m totally out of my element. They all wear khakis and polo shirts, and talk about golf and mutual funds. I’m nothing like them.
Do you ever have that feeling, like you’re just playing the part of an adult? I’ve gotten reasonably good at it, and sometimes I mistake my acting ability as actual maturity. Ha! And I’ll be 50 years old in three weeks. Will somebody please hold me?
I’m going to start drinking now. If you have anything to say about this aging crap, please use the comments link below. And I’ll be back on Monday.
Oh, and by the way… Andy barks at everybody. I was just doing “material.” That hound isn’t selective in who he hollers at; it’s one of his favorite hobbies.
Have a great weekend, my friends!
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon!
My dogs don’t like anyone on their street. They hate the mail lady who they see everyday and pretty much everyone else is fair game. I can’t believe this year I will be in my mid-forties not early forties. Where did the time go and yes I often feel like a fraudualent adult.
Close to first.
I’m leaving work and I’m going to check out a bar called the woodshed II.
Tstorm wants wings.
Dang Jeff, I’m about to be behind on my reading. You gotta slow this shit down.
I feel like I am pretending EVERY f’ing day! I’m 40 and the other 40 female year olds are getting together at Mexican restaurants, wearing tank tops with sequins, getting shitfaced on cheap tequila and they are always posting pics online where you know they just shouted in unison, “WOO HOO!!!” I can’t relate at all. I told my husband if I ever put on a tank top with sequins or a bead necklace that has been sewn onto the neck of it and hold up a glass of wine and shout “woo hoo!” he can divorce me, I won’t put up a fight at all, he can even keep kitchen aid stand mixer I won in my last divorce.
I am completely inauthentic in that department as well, JK. I cannot make small talk with most folks my own age.
I’m 33 (still young, I know), but I feel older than shit. My health sucks; I could probably beat a 90-year old in “my-health-is-worse-than-yours” debate and I’m just a cranky twat.
I always tell myself that age is just a number and all that boolshit, but it doesn’t work. I still see teenagers with their pants around their ankles trying to waddle-walk and I want to slap each one of them. I see a picture of Justin Bieber and begin having grand-mal seizures. Reality TV makes me want to find a sharp object and stab my eyeballs out and I yell at people on a daily basis on my drive to work, since everyone else on the road is a dumbass.
I need a strong drink, STAT!
Happy Birthday to Toney and the Secret, though! You have two people who you need to spoil rotten!
Oh, and by 8:30 I’m in my jammies looking forward to ‘soon’ when I can be knocked out. It could be a Friday, Saturday, whenever. If it’s 8:30 p.m. I want to be home, in my fat pants and getting ready for bed. OLD, I tell ya!
I’m a little in love with Melissa. PREACH IT, SISTER!
9PM last night, in my fat pants, covered in pug hair, the remnants of hot buttered popcorn down my T-shirt….watching Ghost Adventures. Now THAT’S a “whoo hoo” moment!
I’ve learned to tuck a kitchen towel under each side of my bra straps. No stains on my jammies.
Getting old sucks, but it beats the alternative. I’m still alive and able to function at age 54, so I can’t complain too much. Until something goes wrong.
I have to be at a customer site at 8:00 tomorrow (Saturday!) morning. I picked up a bottle of Scotch whisky on the way home tonight. Mmm, booze.
My entire career is nothing but smoke and mirrors. I tell that to every boss I have, but they all smile and assume I’m joking.
I turn 50 in February. Getting old sucks, but it beats the alternative.
Jeff…
I have no idea whether you can tell, but that was the best update you’ve written in a couple of months. You were all over the place, but there was a central focus and theme. You were both a perpetrator of fraud and a victim of circumstance. I laughed several times. I’ve been smiling, but today I laughed. This is professional comedy writing with a strong underpinning of humanism.
When I turned 50, a 60-year-old friend of mine said, “Middle age? Dude, you think you’re going to make 100? There’s nothing middle about 50. You’re on the slippery slope.”
I hope this message of cheer brightens your day as it did mine.
Happy birthday to Toney and Secret #2. Please give them an extra hug for me or just for the hell of it.
best wishes…
John
At (just to turn) 37, I have to agree with “beats the alternative,” although as I feel the ol’ heart failure kick up again (ah, pitting edema…it’s only been 7 years since I’ve had you last!) and with that and the obnoxious insomnia (the fuck?!), I just feel like getting some really good drugs and go out like Elvis (except less….money, weight, etc.)
I’ve been dismissive of popular music (parts of it, anyway) all of my life, and I’ve “lived” through disco (okay, I don’t remember much), the rise of rap (most of it was pretty bad, but “Double Dutch Bus” and their ilk had a silliness that reels me in), and almost all of the groups/people I’ve liked (the Zombies, Amy Winehouse) weren’t exactly popular at the time. Luckily, the Zombies are still going strong, and (somewhat) luckily, at least we got 2+ albums from Amy Winehouse (Lioness goes up and down for me…the middle is great, but once Tony Bennett shows up, I stop. It’s weird hearing one person who sounds dead along with another who was probably on her way while she was singing).
I downloaded something for my phone called “aging booth” where you take a picture of yourself and it shows you what you’ll look like when you’re good and old. It’s not something I recommend unless you want to be suicidal. I’m going to look like a fat Richard Nixon, by the way.
I’m only 37 so I’ve got a fuckton of time before I start freaking out. I should clairify, I’m 37 on the OUTSIDE. On the inside I’m about 19.
I’m trying to come up with a dollar figure that would cause me to golf. I think it would be closer to six figures than not. I know nothing about mutual funds, and I have no khakis (that fit me).
Not long after my half-century mark, I bought a bottle of One-A-Day vitamins for men over 50 and since I hadn’t taken vitamins from when I was a kid, I spent about two minutes reading the label looking for the dosage info when it occurred to me.
I like to be home and I cringe when the phone rings or there’s a knock on the door. I’ll be 56 next week.
So don’t worry about 50. It gets worse.
Yes, I’m only playing the part of an adult. “Responsible” adult? People would probably not use that description. The way I figure it is that I can’t believe that I have lived this long, so getting older is funny to me. I might be singing a different tune in 10 years, though, when my liver disintegrates spontaneously or my kidneys say “Fuck You.”
Definitely a very good, very relatable update. I think I did a spit-take (?) as you were describing your reaction to the Amish beard fiasco. Absolutely genius.
I’m 38, and everyday my five year old reaffirms this by saying it loudly, for any and all to hear. Thanks kid. Just now he told me he hopes I make it to 40.
My ten year old, who was born approximately 2 years ago, is hilarious, sarcastic and wittier than me. It scares me, and yet couldn’t make me outrider. She is a smart-ass like her mama *tear*
Prouder*
Sixty-four in December. I cannot be that old, but my Mother was dead at 66, and I remember her as being old. I still haven’t grown up yet, and I don’t plan on it ever happening. Happy Birthdays all around!
I’m 18, with 36 years experience. The first niece called me Goo, twentythree years ago and she might as well have called me “Peter Pan”.
Bubba the Rat-Chi barks at the UPS guy: he comes to the door, Bubba does his vicious dog imitation, the UPS guy drops the box, goes back to his truck, and leaves. Why shouldn’t Bubba bark?
I feel like I’ve aged a decade in the past six months. I’ve told part of my saga before, but it’s still ongoing…
I started having issues way back in July. It turned out to be Lyme disease and West Nile virus. Yeah, both of them. At the same time.
I’ve been having lingering symptoms now for four months… the doctors kept saying I should be fine, since I took the two weeks of antibiotics for Lyme.
Finally last week they agreed to run a really expensive test to see if I still had an active infection… and the test came back positive.
So on Monday I’m going to have a PICC line inserted. I’ll be on IV antibiotics for at least two weeks. Hopefully I’ll start feeling better soon.
It’s been Hell. When Jeff asks us to give a letter grade for 2012, it’s getting a big red F from me.
That sucks, large.
Here’s hoping the planned course of therapy works for you.
I hope you get better soon.
Good God, 50?!?!??!??!
Happy Birthday to all of you this month
since i cant remember anything anymore, i’ll probably be in the corner droolng sucking my thumb in about 10 years.. im 43 but feel like 25.. just can’t remember shit
Yeah, good old CRS. I have that.
.
I’m 36, but I feel a decade or so older – since I work the equivalent of two full time jobs, and have had two jobs for the majority of my adult life . . . .yeah. I’m an exhausted bastard with giant circles under my eyes, who’d prefer to go to bed when it gets dark any damn time I have the chance.
Tonight, as I’m grading bullshit lab reports from subpar college students (one of my positions is as an adjunct professor), I’m drinking beers. Several of them. Do I know how to have fun or what?
Only birthday that ever bothered me was 25 years ago when I turned 40; it seemed like such an old number at the time.
Have never felt or acted my age. Wish I didn’t look it now, but I’ve discovered if I don’t wear my glasses I can’t see all the wrinkles! At least I’m healthy. And content. Except for the looking so old thing.
I’ll say it again……
*** WARNING! MID-LIFE CRISIS IN PROGRESS!***
Buy a Harley, bang a 20-something stripper, get a tattoo you can cover with a work shirt. You will feel *so* much better.
I’m 51 and my drugs of choice are a Van Dessel cyclocross bicycle (I race competitively), a BMC full-suspension mountain bike, and a Surley Pugsley fat bike. Bicycles are the fountain of youth, no matter what you ride. If you havent rediscovered cycling yet I highly recommend it.
I’ll be 65 this month and I am definitely not the angry old white guy. I am enjoying watching the guys at Fox News tear their hair out.
I turned 44 this year and have had grey hair for a long time. One of thirst hereditary things whereby I started getting greys at 17 or so do all of my 30 were salt and pepper and now in my 40 I’m grey. It’s not such a bad thing and the collar matches the cuffs and that’s distinguished, right? Just hope it doesn’t turn yellow, that, that would be bad.
Got to love autocorrect. Ffs
Playing the part of an adult? Only when I’m sipping potent potables, or have to flipping WORK to get MUNNEE!
Otherwise it’s a daily battle to do the adult stuff. Thank God my company (OK, the company for which I work) has a 401K plan, or I’d be out in the weeds looking for cat food cans in 20 (or less) years.
BTW -50’s not so bad. I did that turn earlier this year and nothing broke or refused to function.
OH MY! A Friday update!
*and* one I want to talk to you about.
So what. You are fifty.
All of THIS that you are feeling? Yeah your parents felt it too. And their parents.
Want to feel young? Have a productive conversation with someone over 70 years of age. That is the best advice I can give. It will pull you back into perspective.
Yeah, I just turned 39, and feel like an utter fraud. I act and speak like a goddamn 12-year-old, and will until I die.
I will be 51 in 19 days, my son just turned 25 (what? how? He was just starting kindergarten like last month)
What sucks is the hurting. Everything hurts; knees, shoulders, elbows, fingers, wrists, toes. No they don’t hurt all the time it’s just when you forget you are over 50 something starts hurting.
Mentally I am about 30 (1990’s 30) but physically wth?
51 – Got up at 630 went to a new job I started this week (I am supposed to be a subject matter expert) where everyone looks and acts like an adult with their suits and high heels. For the record I refuse to wear heels or fancy clothes for that matter. Had lunch with my 27 year old Navy officer son, went back for more responsible work, then picked up my 8 year old and came home and we had cereal for dinner. No I certainly feel like a phony every day.
I just thought of something my sister mentioned 25 or so years ago, when she was making a high school float thingy–the dog of the house would bark at the black folks (also, I guess, anyone who wasn’t the similar color of the white owners), saying that dogs were colorblind, and that they were just reacting to either all the new people, noise, smoke, etc. Sounds good to me, since I walk past these dogs every dogs everyday and they bark at me. It’s like, “You stupid dogs, you see me FIVE DAYS A WEEK!!! Are you THAT dumb?!”
Yes. They are.
I just turned 60 last month and the number concerns me a little. I know I have to get old but I never want to be one of those old souvenirs you see in the park with a little white dog.
I turn 40 next month, and I am horrified by it. But, it is easy for me to pretend I am young because I have a 3 year old.
Had a visit with my new GP and found out that I have a “very weird” heart murmur. Great, something else to worry about.
Yikes! I turned 56 5 dayys ago. My employer issues this annual thing asking where you want to be in your career growth, Since I hacw Hep C, I answered that my onr year plan was to live, and for my five year plan I answered “Die,”
Dark. And not loving it.
Tanti Auguri to Toney and the Secret.
I turned 50 in June. We were driving up to Parma for the weekend, listening to Virgin radio, when ‘Ain’t Talking ‘Bout Love’ off the 1st VanHalen album come on the radio. I burst into tears. “I WAS YOUNG WHEN THIS CAME OUT!”. Had a total meltdown during the song. When the song was over, so was the meltdown. I’ve made peace with my age. Besides, I think of how my grandparents were at 50. They were fucking OLD. Our generation, by comparison, have retained out youth to a certain point. (well, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it).
52 and I only feel like it when I try to get up in the morning after running the day before. My achilles/plantar are is stiffer than my morning wood.
Only act like it when I’m at work. My new job two years ago requires me to act like an adult. All my previous jobs I could act like I was 18. My kids (actually adults since my youngest turned 18 yesterday) always play straight guy to my constant nonsense. The wife just shakes her head.
Another fraudulent adult here, I’ll be 41 soon but feel about 25 in my head. I weigh 30lbs too much and my knees hurt but my brain doesn’t know this.
I can’t do small talk with most adults my age either. I don’t ‘golf’, don’t care about hedges etc. I listen to local college radio. My out-of-touch-ness with the responsible Adult Earth is probably compounded by me being self employed and working from home; so I don’t do shoes, don’t do meetings, don’t do bosses, reports or schedules, but listen to loud music 12 hours a day and often drink beer while I’m working.
Honestly I hope I never ‘grow up’. I find most people my age that I meet are interested in the most stupid shit, and I don’t want to be like that. I’ll be the old guy at the Conor Oberst show next week, the yard work can wait.
Last time I was reminded of my age was when a relative, who is 20, was telling me how awesome Pearl Jam are, and realized I saw Pearl Jam before he was born 🙁
If it wasn’t bad enough that I was watching Antiques Roadshow the other night, I pointed to the TV while some guy was talking about his Chinese vases and shouted, “That’s my eye doctor!” How do you recover when you start recognizing people on Antiques Roadshow?
Had my sceond ablation surgery last week to “fix” a-fib. Doc said he got it. I’m 53 and have no other issues so I’m lucky.
“Conversation” I had last night at a bar.
What are you gonna do if you don’t have a phone?
What?
How will you live without your phone?
What do you mean?
If all the towers go down.
Oh. I’ll go back to like it was before I had a cell phone.
Oh? How was that?
?I didn’t have a cell phone?
I guess people just don’t talk to people anymore!
So you are almost 50. Big f-ing deal. I celebrated my 50th wedding anniversary yesterday, I’m getting a new knee in two weeks, my arthritic wrists hurt so much I have to get my bride of 50 years (2 open heart surgeries and emphysema) take the lid off the peanutbutter jar, a “hard on” forget it, that’s what you’ve got to look forward to when you really get “OLD”.
Jesus Christ Warren…at least put up a spoiler alert before you write that kinad shit. I’ve just recently come tto terms with the monsters that live under my bed. I don’t want to know the ending yet. I’ll be 60 in June and I’m still pissed my sister has my Hoola-Hoop. Took it
All smoke and mirrors. Conversation? Doesn’t happen for very long since I just can’t fathom talking about the mundane shit I overhear people talking about. The only thing I do that is ‘my age’ is complain about shit. That is easy to do.
Speaking of smoke, did a nice burnout today for the guys who rust proofed my truck this morning. When I tell you to go ahead and drive it like you stole it, I mean it. =-) As a responsible adult, I’m not supposed to like doing that sort of stuff, I guess.
I just turned 48 and feel about sixty. Have sore feet every day, two herniated discs, and now I am developing arthritis in my knees, hips, shoulders, elbows, and fingers. (My dad and grandfather both had knuckles that look like walnuts and arthritic joints as well.)
I smoke 2+ packs of cigs per day, and drink like hell, The only time I don’t ache is when I am drunk.
Luckily, I found a very liberal doctor and I have enough opiods on hand to kill a herd of elephants. Most days, breakfast is a pack of Marlboros, a pot of strong coffee, and 2 percocets.
Opposite of that, I still think I am about 25 years old and love to talk to young ladies at the local bar, drive a fast car and a top end pick-up, have a nice house, a beautiful 19 year old college freshman daughter who is crazier than me, and some really fun buddies to run around with. I am a salesman for a Fortune 100 European company (23 years) and work from home. Basically, I talk on the phone all day, send and receive about 200 emails, and chain smoke.
My wife is a home-body and a great housekeeper. And, she puts up with my booshit.
Fuck all you kids! I’m 66 and I just worked a 12 hour day at the Soultrain awards humping props and scenery. When I got up the next day even my mustache was sore.
I’ve injured my mustache while humping. Sometimes it’s days before I can say “one Mississippi” without sounding like Gilbert Gottfried.
John
i turn 58 in early december
i was able to retire in june 30 this yr
all summer had the weekly bonding session with the other retired geezers at lake
the only thing about being older is there is a lot more hot ladies out there
when i was 16, anything over 30 was too old to consider
now there are some smokin 70 yr old ladies out there, just waiting to be the next ex mrs ron
Yeah…60 in June. I’m embarrased to even right that in a way because I’m really not. Know what I mean? Body seems to be working the same. No aches and pains. An occasional case of blueball now and then but so what else is new. The turning 40, 50 thing can be a self-inventory time and a WTF time. By 60…you’re crusing. And you finally know without any doubt whatsoever …your shoe size.
And as far as ‘acting like an adult’ goes…I’m trustworthy, responsible, mannered, groomed and when in public and social situations I always strive to not fart. (I think I got that from the Boy Scout pledge. I could be wrong). The majority of peope I met ‘growing up’ (or is it…’getting older) that acted liked adults were assholes. Long ago I decided I just wanted to be a nice, cool old guy. I met some. I ain’t old yet but hopefully I got the other two things going. So you’re hitting 50?……”It don’t meean shit”….(Mr. Natural)
Holy fuck. We need to have the surf report party before you old fuckers keel over. And we can have it early so you pussies can go to bed.
Whitney!
Right. 3:00 pm at Golden Corral so we can get the early bird special. Who’s in?
.
Yes, and, yes.
I am about 47 anf 1/2, and yeah some stuff hurts every day, but I am still able to hump my drums around town to play with a couple of bands. Painkillers help out a lot these days. If you knew me, you’d think that I would be dead by now, but they have been saying that about Keith Richards for years now.
How in the hell is AARP not the major sponsor of the Surf Report?
Maybe because Jeff doesn’t do web business with ripoff insurance companies. I don’t know — I’m just guessing.
John