Some Final Random West Virginia Notes
Every time we go to West Virginia, Toney and I have a series of conversations about “over-the-top state pride,” as she calls it.
She’s referring to the WV logos on almost every car, the West Virginia-themed clothing covering much of the bloat, and even jewelry that pays tribute to the state. It is a bit over-the-top, I guess, but I probably wouldn’t notice if Toney didn’t point it out every time.
Clearly, it irritates her…
“It feels like they have a chip on their shoulder,” she says. “I doubt people in Connecticut or Kansas are going around saying, ‘I’m from Connecticut or Kansas, you got a problem with that?!’”
Hey, I always say, when you’re the butt of every joke, and openly mocked for decades on-end, people tend to get defensive and defiant. Plus, a lot of it’s about WVU football, and nothing else. …I think.
We have the exact same conversation every time, and I’m always put in the position of defending the homeland. Even though I’m not really disagreeing, I feel a need to offer an explanation.
“It’s an inferiority complex,” she says. “Like Canadians, with their freakin’ maple leafs.”
Controversial.
On a related note, my Mom told me about something that happened while she and my Dad were in Florida last winter. They were reportedly talking with one of their neighbors down there, and it was mentioned that my parents were married at the age of 19.
“Wow, I didn’t think people in West Virginia waited until they were 19 to get married,” the King of Comedy said.
“Well, it was our second marriage,” my Dad answered.
Heh. He regularly comes up with the kinds of comebacks that would occur to me five minutes too late… And five minutes too late won’t do a damn bit of good. Ya know?
However… My Dad told me he was talking with someone in Dunbar recently, and the guy said he remembered me from my years working as a toll collector, at the Dunbar Toll Bridge.
The dude said he came across the bridge at about 2 am one night, and the following conversation supposedly took place:
Him: What would you do if I told you I wasn’t going to pay this stupid toll?
Me: I’d write down your license number, and call the police.
Him: You don’t know who I am, do you?
Me: No.
Him: I used to work with your Dad.
Me: Yeah?
Him: And I’m just joking with you. I’d never cross the bridge without paying.
Me: And I wouldn’t have done anything if you hadn’t. What do I care?
For some reason this ten second conversation has stuck with the man for 25 years. He thinks it’s hilarious. I, of course, have no recollection of any of it. Or of him, for that matter.
But he certainly captured my general attitude about things back then… Yep, that sure sounds like me, circa 1983.
While at my parents’ house, the Secrets were forced to share a bed. And, needless to say, this led to many arguments. “He steals all the covers!” “He kicked me in the back!” “He talks in his sleep all night, and yells!”
WTF?
So, we split them up on the second night, and I slept with the younger Secret. Which led to even more bitching… By him and me.
He said I snored all night, and kept waking him up. “It sounded like a train,” he complained. And Toney jumped on that particular bandwagon, saying I’m a complete weirdo because I sleep on my back. Is that so unusual? What’s wrong with sleeping on your back?? Sheesh.
This criticism of my “snoring” (greatly exaggerated, I believe), and my sleeping style, continued for a long time, and I finally snapped.
“You guys sleep the way you wanna sleep, and I’ll do it the way I want. On my back! Like a gingerbread man!!“ See? After a while you get all defensive, and defiant. And kinda weird.
And anyway, the Secret wasn’t exactly a joy to share a bed with, either. He continuously moves, tossing and turning, and working his legs like he’s riding a bicycle. He whipped the covers off me about ten times, and kneed me in the kidneys repeatedly.
“Tonight I want to sleep with (the older hooligan) again!” he said. “It’s horrible sleeping with Dad.”
“OK, Lance Armstrong,” I answered, before Toney stepped in and blocked an argument in the making.
And I think that’s gonna do it for today, boys and girls.
In the comments section I’d like to read your stories about the worst person you’ve ever slept with. Not in a sexual way, of course, but just a general bad sleeper. Not even in the same bed, necessarily… Maybe in a hotel room, or at camp as a kid, or something like that? We need to hear all about it.
Also, how do you think you sleep? On your side? Is that what society tells us we have to do? Am I the last gingerbread man standing? Is that what it’s come to? Use the comments section to bring us up to date on this important information.
And before I go, I want to alert you to another excellent animation short by Metten. Right here. Please check it out, and leave your thoughts at the site, if you’re so inclined. We’d both appreciate it.
And I’ll be back tomorrow, with a rare Friday update.
See you guys then!
Filed under: Daily
first?
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oh year baby!!
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Second? So proud of myself!!!
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s/year/yeah/g
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Top five! Woot, Woot!
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top ten woo hoo- see something did go well today!!
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I must sleep on my side, cause my left shoulder is always sore in the morning.
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like a gingerbread man???? yeah, that told ‘em.
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Right side, alternate to left side on occasion in the middle of the night, and sometimes I’ll try on my back if I’m feeling particularly daring. Apparently, I can sleep about 15 seconds on my back before I start snoring loudly. Or so She would have me believe.
As to worst sleepmates- open bay barracks in boot camp, during cold season, 30 guys all competing to snore the loudest. Funny thing is, it never bothered me when I was asleep, but listening to those rat bastards snore while you were doing your damndest to stay awake through a fire guard watch was a bitch.
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
supposedly I snore like a drunken lumberjack, but I find it hard to believe. If I really snored that loud, wouldn’t it wake me up too? That’s my defense.
Sleep position to fall asleep is on the belly, with one arm tucked up and under the pillow beneath my head. After that, it’s hard to say, ’cause you know, I’m sleeping.
Although I can say I did wake up this morning flat on my back.
Did you know it’s impossible to lick your elbow?
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My oldest daughter sleeps all kinds of wild. EVERY morning she wakes up with one sock on. goes out with 2 wakes up with one. My youngest will scream in her sleep randomly. She is the worst to sleep with not because of the strange screaming but because she is HOT and you can move away but she will follow.
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#12!!
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My late husband’s snoring was insufferable….and had a reputation for it. In fact, we slept in separate rooms. I am a very light sleeper…the dog farts and I sit straight up in bed. I dredded going on vacation and having to actually sleep in the same room with him. I would be so sleep deprived for that week, I’d need a vacation from my vacation.
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When I was 12 or so, my best friend and his family took me on vacation with them to Maine. While up there, we spent a night at his frumpy bachelorette aunt’s house, and he and I had to share a waterbed in her bedroom.
I kept having dreams that I was at the beach, lying over a big rock while waves crashed over me. Then I would wake up and realize I was pressing myself against my friend’s bare back. It made things a tad uncomfortable between us for a little while after that – not nearly as long as it would had we been a few years older.
I don’t think I’ve been in a waterbed since, and I have never considered buying one.
I’m a gingerbread man, and my snoring is directly proportionate to how many elixirs I’ve enjoyed just before retiring. My two brothers and I recently went on an alcohol-fueled road trip to Chicago to see my cousin. He said it sounded like a logging operation when he walked into the room where the three of us were sleeping.
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people who sleep on their back look like they’re dead. maybe that’s why you have issues with the dormancy platform, jeff.
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A couple good friends of mine went on a trip to Europe a few years back and planned a few overnight train rides to avoid paying for hotels/hostels. My friend Brad is a well known snorer amongst our group and apparently some European travellers have discovered this as well…he was repeatedly awoken by complete strangers telling him to quiet the f@ck up.
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My second son is the record-winner for ‘worst person to sleep with’ if going back to his baby days is allowable. Gah! Constant motion, kicking, fretting in that asllep-baby way they have. Which is odd, because his older brother was the best platonic bed partner EVER as a baby.
I snore like crazy, and know it. Bugged the former husband all kinds of ways to Sunday, and so I got used to being violently poked in the ribs being told to “TURN OVER!”. A hell of a way to wake up. The shiny new husband? Doesn’t mention it. I don’t need to say how much this pleases me…
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Top 20
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I usually sleep on my side or stomach, with one arm tucked up under the pillow. I’m also what is called a burrower…I like lots and lots of covers to burrow down in to.
As a group, we once spent the weekend in Nashville for a Titans Game. We requested a double room at the Union Station historic hotel, but were given a single with 2 rollaway cots. The 4 of us were practically on top of each other. I was given warning that our 1 male friend snored, and I should bring earplugs. They didn’t do me a lick of good…he was so loud I heard the people in the next room complaining.
I will not travel with him anymore unless I have my own room on a separate floor.
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Texans are just as bad about state pride as west virginians, I fear.
I have twin nephews… It sucks to sleep next to either, for different reasons. One of them is like sleeping next to a blast furnace (even worse than Mr. Wally). The other tosses and turns, kicks you, AND talks in his sleep. Little bastards.
Wally says that I snore, talk, and toss. What a dream to sleep next to I must be. But how would I know, I am asleep. I sleep on alternating sides throughout the night and on my back if it really hurts. And like Poppajugs, my snoring is directly related to the amount I have had to drink or if I am sick. I have started using the breathe right strips and they supposedly help. But, again, how the hell would I know. And why would I care? As long as I am sleeping, right?
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I start out “gingerbread man” style, then gravitate to my left side, with left arm under the pillow, and right arm resting on my headboard.
Worst person to sleep with: my 10 year old daughter. She re-enacts agrguements with her old sister in her sleep, and can also be counted on for well placed kicks to my spine while I’m sleeping.
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You bring up something about the WV thing, and to me, what amounts to a general Americanism, extremely evident if you tune in the price is right if only once;
Bob: So where are you from Backdoor Annie?
Backdoor Annie: I live in Pasedena, but I’m from West Virginia
Bob: How long have you been in California?
BA: Oh, we moved here when I was five years old…
WTF? You lived 5 years in WV, and 15+ in California and you get all wooped up over it? Okay…
If somebody asks me where I am from, I tell ‘em where I live NOW. Not where I’ve lived in the past, or where I was born unless asked specifically about my childhood home.
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I toss and turn.
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What about the Maple Leaf? At least its a national symbol. =-)
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I don’t know about weird sleep, but I do know that through my teens I had terrible insomnia. An hour here, two there and the rest of the time i was wide awake… When I started sleeping next to my hubby though it was coma city. I swear he gives off some kind of deep sleep pheramone! Even now some 15 years later when he’s gone @ night there is no sleep for me, but the second he is back home zonko time!
Is it wrong to use your spouse as a sleeping pill?
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Damn it, my additional PIR commentary got omited by this comment interface… Stupid crap. Gonna have to send my beaver over to pour some maple syrup down its vents…
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I went with a friend and his Dad and some other guys to hunt elk in Colorado one year. I was about 19 and I wasn’t all that interested in hunting. But they told me we’d be staying in a cabin and my buddy Keith assured me that we’d have all the beer we could drink. So I agreed.
The cabin sounded cool. I had visions in my head of a large log lodge with a stone fireplace and moose heads mounted on the wall. What we actually stayed in was a shithole the likes of which even a dog would scoff at. There was no fireplace. There was no moose head. There was no electricity. There was no water. It was a shanty in the middle of nowhere. You could see light and cold streaming in through cracks in the walls. It was maybe 15 feet by 15 feet in size. There was one “window” but it didn’t have glass. They’d nailed a trash bag over the hole instead. The bunk “beds” were plywood platforms. The whole place smelled of kerosene and piss. We finally bedded down for the night and I was stuck on a bunk above one of my buddy’s dad’s friends. His name was “Sack” or at least that’s what they called him.
Sack snored all night long. But it wasn’t a normal “zzzzz” type snore, more of a moan. ALL NIGHT LONG he went, “uuuuuhhhhhhhhh, uuuuhhhhhhh, uuuhhhhh….” so I didn’t get a wink. My friend’s dad apparently suffered from the night farts. Every few minutes he’d grind out another fart. Sack got up the next morning and complained about not getting a good night sleep. Bullshit! I didn’t sleep AT ALL! He started drinking beer at 6:30 that morning so I did too.
We got on mules to take us to our hunting grounds and Sack insisted on keeping his rifle loaded, just in case he saw something on the way. The drunk moaning fuck ended up shooting his mule in the neck, killing it. So everyone took turns walking while Sack rode their mule – everyone but me.
That was the most miserable I’ve ever been. Several times I thought about shooting Sack and then turning the gun on myself. If not for the free beer I probably would have. Goddamn. I’m disgusted just writing about it. I haven’t thought about that in a long time.
I sleep on my side. Sleeping on my back hurts my back.
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I shared a hotel room for a conference once, and neither of us slept a wink. No tossing, hardly any turning, but somehow the damned SHEETS were too loud. I dunno, I said something about it the next day at breakfast and she agreed.
How can you have loud sheets?
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Oh man, church camp is *the* place for bad sleeping stories. One of my friends is, and was, a very VERY large boy and he would have these weird moments where he appeared completely wide awake but was saying completely unhinged things.
For instance, I remember waking up to him sitting ramrod straight screaming that there were pink elephants coming for him. Pink… elephants… WTF? Would you fall back asleep with a 320 lb lunatic in your room screaming about pink elephants?
worst… roommate… ever
Oh, except my college roommate who would wait until the very last song on Friday nights and pick up the ugliest, drunkest girl and bring her back to our room… I don’t ever want to wake up to that stuff again.
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My granddaughter, when she was four was the worst! She gets perpendicular to whoever is in the bed and kicks them in the kidneys all night long. At least twice a night she screams herself awake with night terrors, poor kid. Never again will she be allowed in bed with me.
Mr. kenju is a close second to her – he snores like an accelerating Mack truck, and kicks all night.
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Link to the worst party EVER!
http://halfdillo.blogspot.com/2009/08/worst-party-ever.html
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My daughter used to sleep with us, pretty much every single night from the ages of 2 to about 5. Her hands and feet had the uncanny ability to seek and invade any and every region that you THOUGHT was private. The impressive part is that she could do it to me and my husband simultaneously, turning us into a living, breathing, sexually assaulted human H.
By the way, I live in Texas…talk about “over-the-top state pride.” (No, I was not born here, and no, I did not get here as fast as I could)
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Toney is starting to sound like Sunshine.
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My dog sleeps weird – I’ve never seen him sleep normal. Ever.
It’s always on his back and never all legs touching the floor/ground/bed.
Mostly its all 4 up, but I’ve seen:
front 2 up, back 2 down.
back 2 up, front 2 down.
I believe I’ve actually seen him with various configurations of 1 up and 3 down.
As for me, I can’t even breathe through my nose laying on my back.
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Oh, and I sleep in a modified “twist.” My head and shoulders are on the “side,” then my torso is twisted and the rest of me is on my “stomach.”
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I start out in Gingerbread Man, then I repeatedly alternate between Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon, and by morning I’m back to Gingerbread Man. I cannot sleep on my stomach.
The worst person to sleep with is my husband. Snores like a congested heifer, steals all the covers, seeks out my face with his armpit, often sleeps with his legs crossed like he’s sitting in a damned chair or something, and repeatedly throws out a deep sleep Hitler salute just to keep me on my toes (I have no idea). I finally had to resort to a king size bed and separate blankets for sanity’s sake. I might consider a cattle prod if that armpit strays back over to my side again.
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I think it’s because Texas is just big. Geographically, we have pretty much everything (desert, mountain, hills, ocean, forest..etc) and many people probably have never bothered to go anywhere else.
Of course the tumultuous history (remember the Alamo, Republic of Texas), I’m sure is a factor.
….and all the fucking Germans……
Other than that, any other cowboys/girls here want to chime in?
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Good2Go: The last person who said that got banned for life here. You’d better retract that or you will feel the wrath of the Gingerbread Man!
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For several years I had to sleep in the same bed with my younger sister. It was misery. She had a propensity for earaches, terrible adenoids and tonsils, a weak stomach and she kicked. I made the journey to the side of my Mom’s bed many a night after waking up to the gagging and puking, “Mom, she did it again.”
I sleep on my back and the older I get, the louder I snore. I hate when I wake myself up with a big ole snort.
And the WV pride thing, I think Jeff nailed it.
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Garrett – Watch it, I take offense to that tone. You got a problem with Germans. Some of the best people I ever grew up with were Germans.
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back, side, stomach, you name it. And I don’t sleep well usually so I’m a tosser and a turner. Which doesn’t mean I masturbate alot and stand to inherit CNN.
I can sleep almost anywhere though. Growing up I had a bunk bed built into my bedroom wall, the mattress was about 1 ft narrower than the space the mattress sat in and I would generally sleep in the little coffin nook that was provided.
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When I wake up in the morning, my side is generally pristine but on my other half’s side, the bottom sheet is pulled out from the corner and the top covers are half or all the way off the bed. I don’t have a clue what he’s doing all night but it can’t be good.
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I toss and turn also, not sure about the CNN thing though.
I’m glad most of the office left by the time I got to Jason’s comment, Jeezum Crow that was funny stuff man…unless of course you were the dead mule
Dankeschön-SR
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Yall ever see those beds they sell on tv for old people that crinkle up like a “W” at the push of a button? Who in the fuck could sleep like that?
I sleep in a hammock, face down, with a rambo knife in my left hand and a revolver in the other. I’ve accidently shot two wives over the years, but that’s the price you pay for security.
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When visiting my grandparents as a child, I was always dispatched to my grandmother’s bed (while my grandfather wisely slept in another room). She had this 40 pound, hard as a brickbat, old lady coal camp lump of a pillow that she placed in the center of the bed as a barricade against my childlike thrashing and twirling. So while she was safe from any kidney damage from me, I was treated to her symphony of snores that could be heard from every room in the house.
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Worst bedmate is my ex-boyfriend who liked to spoon me (I’m a touch-me-not sleeper), one arm wrapped around me with his hand strategically gripping a boob. “It helps me sleep,” says he. But one night after drinking too much, he urinated all over my back in his sleep. Took me a while to come out of my stupor and realize what the warm wetness at the small of my back was. Bastard soaked me and the mattress. After I cleaned up as he lay passed out on the floor, he had to sleep in the wet spot.
Second worst bedmate is my mother. She takes certain meds that make her pee a lot, usually 7-8 times a night. And the woman has no idea how to get up and down gently so as not to wake others. Plop! And ten seconds later, she’s snoring (“I do not snore!” she insists, but I have it on tape. She still denies it.) And, to make matters worse, she has sleep apnea as well. I’ve spent a number of sleepless nights listening to her, and I’m quite positive she needs a CPAP.
Personally, I like to lay across my bed perpendicularly, not head to foot like most people. That’s the beauty of sleeping alone — no one can bitch about how I sleep. The bed all mine, all mine. When I fall asleep, I am usually in the homicide victim position on my stomach/side, left knee bent up toward my chest, left arm bent, left hand near my face. And because I’m uh…getting older and have a trick hip, I put a pillow under the inside of my left knee for support. By morning, I’m doing the Gingerbread Man, still perpendicular on the bed though. I have been told that I moan in my sleep instead of mumbling or talking. What sounds like I’m enjoying hot porn dreams, however, is actually me “yelling” at dumbasses in my sleep. My stress levels have gone down, so the moaning has allegedly ceased. Still, I’m probably on someone’s worst bedmate list.
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My first post! I’m new here. First, love this website! I stumbled upon this place one night while surfing various humor sites.
Anyways, I sleep usually on my back, with arms laid across my chest, hands clasped, legs straight. kinda like how they put people in a casket for a funeral.. weird i know. and i don’t use a blanket either, even weirder. but i can pass out in no time at all! but i’ve been told i sound like a chainsaw when i sleep..
worst bed partner (non sexual, well kinda) was my ex. she was a friggin furnace! tossed and turned all night, and threw off massive amounts of heat. being a lover of cold weather, i could never get anything amountable to sleep when i was married. bleh.
and about the state pride thing. i think it’s more apparent in the southern states. im from Michigan myself, and moved to North Carolina about 3 years ago. i mean yeah i do take pride in where im from, but not to the extent that the native NC people do. yeah yeah i know, im a yankee, whatever. growing up a stones throw away from canada, i do almost sound like im from there. but michigan born and raised i am. and if nothing else, i can fix just about anything that could possibly go wrong with a car. assuming it’s an american car haha! being called a yankee at every turn, i’ve grown pretty used to it. the one negative thing i can say about the south, well, negative for me. the not so cold winters. people around here complain to no end if it gets below 30! you wanna see cold? try shoveling your car out of 2 ft of snow, then driving to work in -10 degree weather. that will make you tough as nails i guarantee it!
ok sorry for the rant, first time poster, i had a few things to say. on with the show!
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I start out on my left side and always wake up Gingerbread Man.
I think I’m probably the worst bedmate. I’m hotter than hell, I talk in my sleep and I hog all the covers.
At least I’m honest.
happy Thursday, Surfers!
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GTMO Bay I had a roommate who if he wasn’t snoring loud enough to rattle all the windows in the TK he was making weird sex noises! Even the ear plugs we would wear to the range couldn’t block him out. 2nd best would have to be basic training. We always had the same 3 guys in a snoring contest. No joke if one was louder the other two would up the decibels to try and outdo him!
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Hey, I’m not a lumberjack, or a fur trader….
I don’t live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dogsled….
and I don’t know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I’m certain they’re really really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a president.
I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it ‘about’, not ‘a boot’.
I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing,
diversity, not assimilation,
and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch,
and it is pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’, ‘zed’ !!!!
Canada is the second largest landmass!
The first nation of hockey!
and the best part of North America
My name is Pagan!!
And I am Canadian!!!
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Known as the: “Rant” the above speech is from a Molson Canadian Beer commercial yes we even put a maple leaf on our beer bottles! Like you guys we like our flag but if you don’t we even let you burn it & we rarely get pissed off! If you do raise our blood Pressure however thats O.K. we can go to the Hospital & have it taken care of for Free:)
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More importantly the wife, who weighs 90lbs & wears a size 0 sleeps flat on her back snores like a trucker & has the body temperature of a furnace! 20 years of her waking up in bright eyed & bushy tailed looking at my bedraggled visage, bloodshot eyes & bags bigger than Oprah’s ass under my eyes and saying without fail (a huge smile on her face):”oh! was I snoring?’
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I sleep on my side with my back to the wall. The room has to be pitch black and I always have a fan on. I do not require an alarm clock. I have an internal clock that wakes me up between 6:30 and 7:00 every morning. I have to have a pillow between my knees. Been that way since I was a teen. Mornings are not a pleasant thing to see because of my high level of libido at night. I have very vivid dreams OK, yeah leave it alone. Sleep is sleep and sex is sex and the two do not mix with me outside of my dreams. I sleep in my sweats so in the morning I can get up an go jogging without having to dig for them. I don’t use covers unless it is really cold outside. I also now sleep with my Glock with laser sight under the pillow unless of course I am with someone which is not that often. I like my privacy and it takes a lot to share said space. Both ex’s snored like freight trains and number one was a wild sleeper. Arms and legs everywhere. Thats it for me.
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Hey, I’m not a lumberjack, or a fur trader….
I don’t live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dogsled….
and I don’t know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I’m certain they’re really really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a president.
I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it ‘about’, not ‘a boot’.
I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing,
diversity, not assimilation,
and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch,
and it is pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’, ‘zed’ !!!!
Canada is the second largest landmass!
The first nation of hockey!
and the best part of North America
My name is Kevin!!
And I am Canadian!!!
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Let’s hear it for Canadian Beaver, woo hoo!!!
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Hey, I’m not a redneck, or a NASCAR fan….
I don’t live in a trailer or eat spam, or own a Ford….
and I do know Jim, Jack and Old Grand Dad from America,
and I’m certain they’re good with ice.
I have a President, not a Queen.
I speak English not American, or British.
And I pronounce it ‘Get it done’, not ‘Git r done’.
I can proudly not sew anything on my backpack.
I believe in peace making, not appeasing,
dissention, not blind patriotism,
and that the Eagle is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toke is a puff, a Chesterfield is a city in Missouri,
and it is pronounced ‘ass’ not ‘arse’ !!!!
America took what we wanted, size of land mass be damned!
The first nation of Baseball!
and the best part of North America (the chewy center)
My name is Tony!!
And I am American!!!
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We went to Disney World in May. I had made our reservations in August ’08, then got to thinking about moving to a different area of the resort I had chosen because they offered trundle beds. See, I had to call the travel agent and explain to her that the Evil Twin was a *large* man who snored and sweated a lot and our 11 year old son didn’t want to share a bed with him. LOL. Turns out, our son took a sleeping bag and slept between the two full size beds. Evil Twin had his own bed and I shared with our 3 year old daughter (who is a good sleeper). After nearly 18 years of being together, I am used to the snoring, sweating and cover stealing. I hear that I am a world class snorer myself.
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Hey, I’m not a share cropper, or a slave….
I don’t live in a ghetto or eat chitin’s, or drink 40′s….
and I don’t know Jamal, Shaquita or Shanene from the hood,
although I’m certain they’re really really nice.
I have a President, not an impotent monarch.
I speak proper English, not ebonics.
And I pronounce it ‘for sure’, not ‘fer sher’.
I can proudly sew any goddamn thing you give me.
I believe in keeping a piece, not calling the police,
privacy, not socialism,
and that the panther is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a what you do to nuts, a chesterfield is a cigarette,
and it is pronounced ‘hey’ not ‘ay’ !!!!
America is the richest nation in the world!
The first nation of football!
and the best part of North America
My name is Shiny Rod!!
And I am American!!!
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Hey t-storm: Git r done:) @shiny if your pillow is between your knees where is the Glock?
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On family vacations my mother would insist that brother #2 and I had to share a bed, because she felt that no one should have to deal with our crazy sleeping. Tossing, turning, pillows and blankets all askew, walking, talking, hitting, kicking, and I even do the crossing legs as if in a chair thing that Gretchen mentioned.
I don’t think I am so bad now. Can’t speak for my brother. Mostly I do the gingerbread man sleep, punctuated with insomnia.
Hey… I do the gingerbread man sleep, I do NOT poop at work, and I am married to a Ton(e)y. Has anyone ever seen Jeff and me in the same place at the same time?
Oh, and I have to say that the comments over the last few days have been absolutely outstanding! Some of the family stories have been really sweet and touching, and, as usual, the comedy factor has been high. Good job invisible friends! (@Gretchen – crouching tiger, hidden dragon – LMAO!)
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On the state pride thing. Here in OK there is a lot of college pride, which is ironic since most of the people I meet have not gone to college.
Maybe it’s because the entire state looks like a giant foam finger.
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Also, not to be a bitch, but could suggestaholic suggest something already?
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@t-storm and shiny rod
A-m-fing-men!!!!! You all rock! And I have to agree with WTB. Simply stellar!
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When I was about 14, me, my mom and bro went on a camping trip to Niagara Falls my mom’s best friend Hazel and her son. We were all sacked out in our cozy U-Haul-rented tent ready to drift off when Hazel started to snore. In fact, she snored before she was even asleep! (I’m bettin’ she was doing the gingerbread man pose) The worst part was not trying to get to sleep that night, tho that was bad enough, but waking in the morning to the condensate dripping inside the tent. I couldn’t shake the visual that we were being drenched by the inside of Hazel’s overactive lungs.
Yech, glad I remembered that right before bed! Where I will drift off lying on my left side, as close to the left edge of my queen-sized bed as I can get. Yeah, a waste of a good bed….but the cats like the extra room!
Goodnight!
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Why thank you, White Trash Barbie. Glad I could make you laugh.
I forgot to add that one drawback of having a king size bed is that it encourages my husband to scootch to the far perimeter just before the alarm goes off, forcing me to engage in a stuntman double-roll to get after him (we’re, uh, not people “of size”).
Ah America, where you can get a bed so big you have to chase your spouse across it every morning just to wake him up.
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Not technically someone I’ve slept with, but very close. On a “family vacation” when I was younger, I shared a bed with my older brother. This was fine, but we shared a small motel room with my dad and stepmom. I awoke to the sounds of them doing the dirty right beside us.
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I guess I have always been the one that people talk about when it comes to bad bed-time stories.. I used to have night terrors for several years. I could wake up screaming and often ran(in my sleep) and turned the lights on(I often dreamed I had spiders in my bed) and I even broke my foot once when i did this(I tripped over the vacuum cleaner that I had gotten out to get rid of any spiders before bedtime..ah the irony..). Needless to say, my previous boyfriend had a hard time. One time I woke up standing by the side of the bed, my boyfriend hugging me hard as I was rambling “I’m so scared, I’m so scared(but in swedish cus that’s my origin)” over and over again. He and I are still friends but he often talks about all those nights with horror in his voice..
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Pagan – I’ll never tell
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Hey, I’m not an alcoholic, or an engineer ….
I don’t live in a castle or eat haggis (very often), or own a tam o’ shanter….
and I don’t know Jimmy, Hamish or Agnes from Aberdeen,
although I’m certain they’ve probably got ginger hair.
I have a First Minister, not a president.
I speak a form of English.
And I pronounce it ‘on a boot?’ not ‘what do you mean?’.
I can’t really sew very well at all.
I believe in doing the fighting for the invading powers ,
diversity, if only people would stay here, instead of leaving to improve other countries,
and that the giraffe is a very tall and noble animal.
A neep is a turnip, a settee is a couch,
and it is pronounced ‘ch’ as in ‘loch’,not ‘ck’, as in ‘lock’ !!!!
Scotland is the second largest landmass in the U.K!
The first nation of curling and teenage pregnancy!
and the best part of the Northern Hemisphere!
My name is Ian!!
And I am Scottish!!!
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I start on my back, until I fall asleep. My wife then wakes me up to tell me I am keeping her awake by snoring and asks me to turn on my side. Can’t fall asleep again while on my side. Turn back to the back position, fall asleep. Wife wakes me up to tell me I am keeping her awake by snoring and asks me to turn on my side. Can’t fall asleep again while on my side. Turn back to the back position, fall asleep. RInse, lather, repeat. This is why I go to work pissed off at the world.
Worst sleeper has to be my daughter. Sometimes gets in our bed after a bad dream and immediately comandeers the space. Spreads out like a windmill and has conversations with Wow Wow Wubbzy in her sleep. This makes for a worse night’s sleep than the above paragraph.
On IPOD right now- “Shitlist”- L7
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AND NOW, SOMETHING TO READ UNTIL THE UPDATE-
A phone call I received at work earlier this week.
My Five Minute Career as an Applebee’s Manager
So I am sitting in my office and the direct line rings. Usually, when people call for their questions, it passes through the receptionist first, who, in turn, patches the call through to me. However, occasionally, someone knows the direct line number. Sometimes, someone calls by accident. The conversation went something like this:
It’s 9:30 in the morning.
Me: Hello, vault.
Her: Is this Applebee’s? (I clearly said “Hello, vault”, so I knew what I was dealing with)
Me: Yes, it’s a great day in the neighborhood for Applebee’s, but we do not open until 11:00.
Her: No, no, no, I don’t want to order. You see, I was in there last night and left my husband’s credit card on the bar. Could you see if someone turned it in. My name is Leigh Thomas. The name on the card is Andrew Thomas.
Me: What did you order?
Her: What does it matter? I just want to know if the card is there.
Me: I can look up your order in the computer and maybe trace it back to the wait staff that might have it. You don’t want a starving waitress running up your husband’s credit card, do you?
Her: I guess not, it just had drinks on it. We were at the bar. There are probably several rum and cokes and a couple of Jack and cokes on there.
Me: Did you drink all of these yourself?
Her: No, no, no, I took some friends out after work and bought them drinks.
Me: I’m sure your husband appreciated that.
Her: What’s with all the smarmy criticism? I just want to get my card back. (I can’t recall the last time I heard someone actually use the word “smarmy”.)
Me: How many of these drinks were yours?
Her: What the fuck does that matter?
Me: Because people who leave their husbands credit card on the bar are usually drunks, or stupid bitches, such as yourself.
Her: What the fuck? You have a lot of nerve….
Me: So are you a stupid bitch, or a drunk?
Her: Fuck you, asshole!
Me: Now you’ll never get your husband’s card back, stupid, drunk bitch!
A co-worker walks in at this point and is shocked, thinking I am speaking with an actual client of our company.
Her: Fuck off! Andy, come talk to this asshole.
Him: (Andy, the husband) What’s the problem, guy?
Me: My name is not Guy.
Him: Do you have my card, or not?
Me: Is that your wife I was talking to?
Him: Yeah, do you have my card?
Me: I’ve gotta give you credit sir, I don’t think I could be married to a stupid, drunk bitch like that….losing my credit cards, buying drinks for everyone at the bar.
Him (speaking to her) Who did you buy drinks for? (Then to me) That doesn’t fucking matter. What is your name?
Me: Are you coming down here?
Him: Yeah, I want to see you in person…or your boss.
Me: Come to the bar and ask for me, I will be in the back. My name is Mr. Jabloemi, that’s J-A-B-L-O-E-M-I.
Him: (Still having no clue, and writing it down) Okay, got it. I’m on the way. You’d better be there.
Me: Ask for Heywood.
Him: Heywood?
Me: My father was a black man, my mother was Polish.
Him: So what if I start calling you a fucking porchmonkey?
Me: I wish you wouldn’t, sir.
Him: You called my wife a dumb bitch.
Me: It was “stupid bitch”, sir.
Him: Fuck you, porchmonkey!!
Me: I’m afraid I may have to cap your ass when I see you, sir.
Him: (Still no clue) I’ll be there in ten minutes. (Hangs up phone)
I sincerely hope these two have not breeded. The best part would have to be if he went to the bar and asked some unsuspecting waitress for “Heywood Jabloemi”.
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My wife takes her half of the bed in the middle, so I’m essentially left with a forth. That’s okay because I keep telling her that when she turns 50 I’m going to trade her in on two 25′s.
Have a great weekend!
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This is unrelated to the post, but I had to share it.
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/
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Does Tony realize that the flying WV – http://api.ning.com/files/mCghDLduZ*JC8rXNGqriLlPOUozFuSQ*y779BRzDx1o_/FlyingWV.jpg
Is actually trademarked by the university, and they require the state of WV to get special permission to use it?
I think your delightfully funny, but unfortunately sports-ignorant wife is mistaking widespread football fandom for some sort of non-existent state pride.
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AWG- that is simply excellent. High hilarity!!
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Yeah, it’s definitely a WVU athletics thing. I’m pretty sure if I visited where Jeff lives there would be a ton of people wearing Penn St. stuff, as they even do down here in Maryland where I live. A lot of VT (Virginia Tech) too. Not that I’m not proud of being from WV, considering they get shit on by a lot of people who are just ignorant. Mostly by people who are so-called “educated.” There are no pro teams in the state, so WVU is it.
Let’s Go Mountaineers!
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@bennigan’s nazi – I think the flying WV is just convenient. When people are touting that they’re from WV, they don’t say “WVU.” of course, a lot of people are truly WVU fanatics and cover everything they own and talk non-stop about WVU sports. I was a little taken about when I first moved here, but now, after all these years, I barely notice. It doesn’t offend me. what do I care?
impossible sleep-mates – my husband. After many years of getting poor quality or no sleep, he now sleeps in another room. nice. but like @bikerchick, I would have to get a vacation from vacation and sharing a room/bed with him. gah!
I sleep like Ginger with the modified ‘twist’ position. But I can fall into a deep sleep in the gingerbread position, too. Sadly, I can also fall asleep in the driving-my-car position. dangerous. can’t go on long driving trips like I used to. hell, sometimes I can barely make it to work.
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@AWG-An instant classic!
Also very nice pride “Rants” by all!
Speaking of pride it’s about to get all scarlet and gray in these parts, O… H…
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What does the trademark have to do with anything I wrote, Nazi? I said everybody has the logo on their cars. And that’s explained by the fact that it’s trademarked? I don’t understand your point.
And if you guys think it’s all about football, you’re fooling yourselves. Non-existent state pride? That’s a good one.
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OK, this news just in, the new teen fad is Vodka soaked tampons and anal bongs. I am getting full body shivers.
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Ooooohh, I’m late to the cross-border nationalism rant!
Thanks Pagan, Shiny Rod, T-storm et. al., that was fun!
I sleep on my side like a normal person.
Worst sleeping partner was my grandfather. He snored so loud he was thrown out of hotels or had his room moved on many occasions. We traveled together a lot when I was a kid and I frequently had to get a separate room.
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Don’t get me wrong: I definitely feel there is a lot of state pride around here, not related to sports. people just wear the flying WV because its easy to pick up.
but now for something that IS sports related – NFL, baby! last night, Miami played and, correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t they have three former West Virginia players as QBs? Pennington, Leftwich, and Pat White? that rocks! Two from Marshall and one from WVU.
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#81!
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@Brynhildr,
Your boyfriend pissed on you in his sleep? I’ve been plenty drunk many times but NEVER pissed in bed. And you cleaned it up? Wow, you’re a saint, I’d have spent the rest of the night performing vivisection on the bastard.
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Shiny Rod, I am German and I’m an asswipe…….
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Damn right I have state pride! But alot of people have the WV on their cars that aren’t from WV. Most of them would be WVU alumni that came from other states, PA, MD, NJ, VA. But, of course, there is a large majority of folks in WV who have the WV on their car who didn’t go to WVU, just are fans of their sports team.
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Garrett – Then I retract my offense, you are allowed. Especially around Austin and San Antonio.
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Oops, what I meant was that there are a lot of folks LIVING in other states that aren’t from WV that have the WV on their cars, a lot of students from PA, MD, NJ, VA.
Back to the pissing on people in while asleep.
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I am definitely a side sleeper. I switch sides throughout the night. I can sleep on my back, but I don’t very often. I’ve never been able to sleep on my stomach.
Worst people I’ve shared a bed/bedroom with: my friend Debbie, who snores so loud, it shakes the windows. My mom, who gets up a million times a night to pee.
I no longer snore since I use a CPAP, but whomever shares a bed with me gets to hear the white noise of my CPAP.
I also sleep with the ceiling fan on, even in the winter (I live in Phx, so winter isn’t really winter anyway). And I hug my pillow (Lumpie) all night. Even when I turn over in the night to sleep on my other side, I somehow carry Lumpie with me.
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OK, I’m going to digress from the sleeping issue for a sec. This one’s for the dog lovers out there.
Yesterday, my dog had surgery to fix her cherry eye and when I returned to pick her up at the end of the day, I went back into an exam room to talk to the vet tech about follow-up care. As soon as I started talking, my dog, who was in the adjacent room, began barking like mad. Repeatedly. Until the vet tech finally went to go get her. And when she came around the corner, I could see her poor sad self standing there, ass wagging like I’ve never seen it before. Now, I choose to believe that she heard my voice and was excited because she loves me, and not that she heard my voice and meant “Mama! How could you do this to me?! Get me the hell out of this place and get this damned cone off my head! Please!” Warmed my heart. Now she follows me around the house, e-collar bumping into everything and scratching the back of my leg constantly. I’m about to go find some duct tape to wrap around the edge before she draws blood.
That is all.
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Ahhh! The cone of silence!!! He He…
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Tyrosine — I am no saint. Boyfriend was duly punished for his misdeed. I slapped him a few times, partly out of anger, and partly to wake him up so I could minimize the damage to the mattress. Touch of OCD here. The slapping was hard enough to elicit an “owww” or two. And when he wouldn’t move I kicked him in the leg, once as I yelled “mother-” and once for “fucker”. A few more slaps for “asshole” and “bastard”. When all was said and done, he was not allowed to so much as cop a feel for quite some time. He finally gave me an appropriate apology and not just the “I was drunk” excuse. Nope, no saint here and yes, I do use sex as a weapon. And?
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Alice, you are correct that three former WVU’s played, but Leftwich plays for the Tampa Bay Succaneers. This years team is going to end up 4-12 or 3-13, due to their inexperienced coach not naming a starting QB by now. That kind of shit divides a team. Back to the days of the winking pirate (Buccaneer Bruce) on the helmets. Sad time for the Tampa fans. Go Colts!!!
Oldtimers- remember that Rockin’ Randi’s boyfriend pissed on her in his sleep. My wife would stab me in the head with a pair of scissors if I had such poor nocturnal bladder control and that happenend.
DIET NEWS!- There was a health fair at work today where they drew blood and gave you a report. Said I ain’t gonna make it. Cholesteral is way too high, as is blood sugar. I was categorized in the “obese” scale, instead of the “overweight scale.” Now the diet is a little more serious than before. I have heard of these “vegetables” before. Any recommendations for the good ones?
ON IPOD right now- “The Man Who Sold the World”- David Bowie
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When left to my own devices I’m more of a coffin style sleeper. Flat on my back, hands folded on my chest, feet crossed at the ankles. I sleep best like that, but I am rarely allowed to do so for if I so much as take a deep breath before my wife is fully asleep I am snoring and must be punched until I roll over.
My wife is the worst person to sleep with as far as I am concerned. My ideal room temperature for sleeping is 62 to 68F, not C. She would become hyperthermic at those temperatures because she gives off intense amounts of heat. She’s a propper-upper. No matter how I sleep if she is cold I will wake up with her propping me up, attempting to use me as a heat source. She also talks in her sleep and sometimes l’ll be privvy to her crazy a** conversations. She’ll just string unrelated words together and then just laugh. More than once she has woken herself up laughing after stating something along the lines of “the bicyle chimney isn’t here!”
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AngryWhiteGuy – Thats some of why I am relegated to salads and water. Doc clear me for full on exercise so I’ve kicked in high gear. Not going out like that. Dropped another 10 lbs and I’m falling out my clothes. With cholesteral, your going to have to drop all fried foods, breads and suger and increase your fiber intake. Also look at doing an internal cleanse to flush the impurities out of the body. Kale is a good source to start lowering your serum cholesteral. Here is one of my sources for diet infomation. http://www.lunch-box-diet.com/
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Thanks for the link, Shiny. I do eat a lot of collard greens and no need for the fiber, since I fill the bowl, so to speak, like clockwork every morning. Fried foods do tend to be a weakness and I basically have to have bread with everything. I get a lot of exercise, but I guess the red meat and potatoes diet has finally caught up with me.
On IPOD right now- “Love is the Drug”- Roxy Music
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AWG, I hired a nutritionist and lost 50 lbs two years ago and have kept it off by eating every two to two and half hours, no carbs after 3 and two fruits a day – one must be an apple. and NO SUGAR. Make sure anything you put in your mouth has less than 5g of sugar per serving (except the fruit, of course. this does mean no fruit juice, only whole fruit) Also banned while losing were corn, peas and bananas (all very high in sugar) Snack on almonds. Dinner is just protein and veg.
I lost 2 lbs a week consistantly until I lost 50 lbs. Now that I’m at the weight I want to be, I eat carbs with dinner once in awhile and eat sweets now and then, but really try to stay away from anything processed.
And Walk! One of the reasons I got my dog was because I’d be forced to walk him everyday. It works! Good luck!
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AWG – thanks for setting me straight on Leftwich. ahhh – loves me some football.
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@AngryWhiteGuy – I remember my grandfather telling me what he ate for lunch everyday growing up – whether in the field or at school. 3 lard sandwiches and coffee! This he did until he was drafted for WWII. Said he worked it all off and I don’t believe he had a cholesterol problem until very late in life.
To all of you gagging at the lard thing – Lard rendered on the farm is a little different than what you see at the store. It actually still has some meat and all the fine pig flavor (I was told).
Interesting thing about those that don’t like vegetables. In my experience, people that wouldn’t even look at a green bean or carrot, tend to surprise you with liking more unconventional vegs when they get past the mental block.
No alot of people like brussels-sprouts, beets, asparagus…etc. but I’ve seen a bunch of anti-veg folks go after them like the Bush twins on happy hour. don ask me….. So, maybe try some of the odder stuff on your produce isle.
Here’s another possible tip – this guy at work nearly had Crisco running through his veins, according to his doctor. All he did was, now get this, change his breakfast from 2 tacos to a bowl of cheerios and can of sardines. [!] Every day. After a year his cholesterol was under 200. His case in under research for some publication in a medical journal. Go figure.
Supposedly the cherrios do something with absorbing and soluble fiber like Dow Scrubbing Bubbles or something. The oil in the fish does something or other too. Oh, and he eats like a ton of hot peppers now, I guess burning your corn hole is part of the therapy too.
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Thanks Knucklehead. I had heard that you should eat small amounts every few hours, but it seems inconvenient, working and all. I cannot remember the last fruit I ate, so I may need to try that. Exercise is no problem. I do try to run, but I dominate on the basketball court at least four nights per week. For my size, I am very quick and active.
I don’t necessarily need to lose 50 pounds, but losing about 30, and getting down to 265 would probably be better for me.
On IPOD right now- “Maggot Brain”- Parliament Funkadelic
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Forgot about the Cheerios, Garrett. Thanks for the reminder.
“Bush Twins on happy hour” That was fucking awesome!!
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Leftwich is so slooooooowwwwww. His movement resembles the last play in the original “The Longest Yard”. Yeah, the slow motion play. He makes Bernie Kosar look like Pat White.
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Two comments….. First, I sleep on my back, side, stomach, sitting, standing, it doesn’t matter. I have learned to catch sleep whenever and however. Plus, I have nightmares at least twice a week, thanks to Uncle Sam. I am just lucky I have my wife there to shake me awake each time. Second, on WV pride…..I think it is awesome that we West Virginian’s show pride in our State. It is rooted deep in our heritage. This state was the only state born of the civil war. It took a proud people to do what we did. We are a deeply religious bunch, very clanish and we stand for what we believe. Adjusted for population, WV sends more men and women in the armed forces than any other state and we also have suffered more than our share of sorrow because of it. I spent a number of years in the Air Force and I can tell you that the folks I served with were proud to have served with me. I took a lot of ribbing about being a hilbilly and a mountain man, but that is all in good fun. Whenever I took an M-16 to the firing range and brought targets back, not with bullseyes, but with no bullseye left in the target, they were happy to have this hillbilly by their side. It is WV pride that fuels our fire. We want to be the best at whatever it is that we do. Someone once told me that the reason I handled a firearm so well was because I had to kill my own food! Little did they know there was some truth to it. I didn’t have to, I chose to! They also said they would want to be in a squadron of West Virginians in battle than with anyone else. Be proud of our heritage! I would much rather be a proud West Virginian than be from anywhere else. American by birth, West Virginian by the Grace of God.
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Jeff,
I’ve been rocking that Butch Walker too….great power pop.
BTW, my wife has “restless leg syndrome”. It’s like sleeping with a pissed off Bruce Lee.
P~
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Brynhildr,
Dude got off lucky. I once punched a guy for pissing in the laundry tub at a party, so you can imagine what I would do to someone pissing in the bed. Unless you have Ebola you you better wake your ass up and crawl to the bathroom.
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Dad snores like a Detroit Diesel hitting on five cylinders. Wife snores. Always has.I got ear plugs for Christmas once. Yip-figgin-ee
I’m a classic casket pose when I start off and the Z’s come quick. Later…left or right depending on which sholder hurts or arm is asleep. Stomach…not so much. I tend to drool when I do that and the drooling wakes me up.
I had some really cool Canadian underwear once. Bought them at Woodwards in Edmonton. Speedo style (hey I was 24 and well…24). Maple leafs and stripes too. Only a slect few ever saw them. Spent two weeks in Linclon, Nebraska one night and realized “Go Big Red” s an untreatable disease.
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I don’t think it is specifically cheerios that is supposedly doing the trick – It’s something to do with the soluble fiber. I think popcorn has that, maybe oatmeal.
Nevertheless, I don’t think I could have the sardines EVERY morning. The cheerios, I wouldn’t mind. Plus, with all the ingested mercury from the fish (according to Al Gore), he’s gong to be killed by a magnet flying off the refrigerator towards his colon one of these days.
Now that I think of it, they do sell something called Fish Oil in caplet form…. I might have to stop by Walgreens……
As for the peppers (the beneficial oil is capsaicin, I looked it up), I burn up my corn hole daily on jalapenos, LA hot sauce, Tabasco… etc.
That’s what I’m going to do! One bag of ACTIII popcorn (with butter) smothered in Tabasco! Maybe the fish oil too…..
I’ll give it a month, then get re-tested. See how it goes.
BTW, my cholesterol isn’t that high – 210, I believe i have massive amounts of “good” vs “bad”, whatever the hell that means…..
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bennigan’s nazi, are you from South Africa. I know someone that writes like you. We both speak english, but not really the same language.
I can never really tell what it is you’re trying to say.
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