Smells Like a Late Update, and Stuff
I came home from work on Sunday night, and this website was down. So was Mockable, and it was all fairly annoying. But, you know, it’ll happen from time to time.
And after I hoisted my heft off the dormancy platform, and shuffle-pooted to my computer the next morning, I saw that both sites were STILL down. Grrr… Something must be seriously wrong, I mumbled into my chipped Cape May mug. Fan-flippin’-tastic.
I sent my webhost an email, asking what was going on, and started complaining about the situation at Twitter. And people told me: the Surf Report isn’t down… I’m looking at it right now.
What in the double-decker heck?
Turns out I’d triggered something in the host’s firewall, and my specific IP address was blocked from visiting any sites housed on the server. They couldn’t tell me why it happened, but fixed the problem.
And the entire process, from first profanity to remedy, took several hours. The hosting company advertises 24 hour support, but I think it’s a Steven Wright situation: 24 hours… but not in a row.
So, that’s why there was no update yesterday. Sorry ’bout that. I hate to miss any day (I really do), but especially Mondays. And so it goes.
After I’d washed my hands of the situation yesterday, I decided to go to Waffle House for their Big Retarded Field Hand breakfast. But it didn’t happen. I went to Borders instead, and bought this book.
Next Friday I’m going to go into revise/rewrite mode on my “book,” and want to ingest that guidebook before I get started. It has a good reputation, and since I’ve never edited a novel-length manuscript before…
I’ve made a point of not reading my book since I finished the first draft at the end of December. It’s best to just let it settle for a while, I think. I did send it to two more folks to read and critique last week (one of whom is a Surf Reporter), and am looking forward to their feedback.
The thing still needs some work, but has good bones, I think. I’m excited to start working on it again, and making it better.
After Borders it was time for me to go to work, but I still hadn’t eaten anything. So, I ended up going through a McDonald’s drive-thru, and taking them up on their $3.99 Filet-O-Fish meal deal.
And have you ever tried to eat one of those fish sangriches while driving at 75 mph on an interstate highway? It’s not easy, I’m telling you, because of the criminal overuse of tartar sauce. Why do they have to put so much on there? Sweet Maria. What do they use, a soup ladle?
So, the first bite sent a golf ball-sized glob of sauce out the back-end of my sandwich, and I was worried I’d get it all over my clothes. So I was contorting myself and dodging falling tartar, while traveling at a high rate of speed.
Tasty, though. I like those Filet-O-Fish. Know what I mean? I wish I had one right now.
During my website frustration yesterday, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” came up on iPod shuffle play, and it reminded me of the Weird Al version of that song: “Smells Like Nirvana.”
I like Weird Al, he’s usually reliably silly, but the dude seriously dropped the ball on that one. The video is funny, but the song parody is incredibly lame. Smells like Nirvana? Sheesh. A kindergartner could come up with something more clever than that.
In fact, I’d like to make that the Question of the Day. I’m getting all worked-up about it… In the comments section, please suggest a better parody of “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” than Al’s.
I’ll get the ball rolling with a few off the top of my head:
Smells Like Bad Hygiene
Smells Like Recent Feces
Smells Like Hotdog Belches
Smells Like Wolf Blitzer
Take it from there, Surf Reporters! Together we can build a better parody.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Filed under: Daily
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Holy Cannoly never made top five before. I wish I knew what song your talking about.
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Second? No Way!!! Woot!
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……..
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That video is great. I always find the Dick Van Patten scene funny as hell.
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I did know the song… just didn’t know the title. But, I still have nothing.
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This is an easy one, Tilly nailed it last week! “Smells like a vagina full of bad decisions.”
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Oh, and give Wendy’s “new” fish sandwich a try. i think they use real fish for it. Unfortunately, they also glop on the sauce, so bear that in mind.
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smells like Gene Shallet
PLEASE NOBODY STEAL TILLY’S LINE – she get’s to say it without someone stealing her thunder… you know the line. The video that would go with it has me intrigued…
oh and top 10
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oops – too late
damn work got in the way…
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Wendy’s = good…. fish….baconator….baked potato with “cheese” sauce and “bacon” bits…. it’s all good….
And where the hell did panko coating come from all of a sudden? It’s no Denny’s chicken fried steak but then again, what is?
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Smells like Bea Arthur
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Tilly’s comment was brilliant, but it doesn’t work in this case. There has to be roughly the same number of syllables, since it’s a song parody. “Teen spirit” and “vagina full of bad decisions” don’t sound anything alike.
I’m outta here. I need to get another Filet O Fish for the interstate.
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Smells like fuct cheese
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smells like Courtney Love
smells like Gary Busey
smells like Asperigas
smells like dog assgas
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Smells Like Gun Powder
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@ Hot Fuzz- thanks for sticking up for me man. I now completely forgive the whole stripper comment from last week. Honestly the whole issue there is that Chantel is very close my real name and i am just not hot enough to be a stripper. its always been a sore subject for me.
smells like can’t go near it? does that work??
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Smells like Abe Vigoda
Smells like someone shitit
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Smells like Ass Affect (axe)
My gf works in schools sometimes, and she says it reeks Axe. These gullible teens shower themselves in this stuff thinking it gives them more chances of getting some action. lol
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Of course we – the slobdom that encompasses Surf Reporters – know how to eat Filet-o-fish while driving. You have to keep the wrapper on the back end while you chomp. This isn’t foolproof, mind you, but helps cut down on the spooge stains down the front of your shirt (but not in the cruise controls on the steering wheel, when a glob of it rides there on one of your knuckles).
Also, I HAVE to eat McDonald’s filet-o-fish while cramming hot French fries in my mouth at the same time. It’s simply a MUST. Picture me shoveling 4 of those sandwiches down, along with 2 large orders of fries, while careening down the Trans-Canada highway toward Rogers Pass. True story.
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Hey, I gave credit! Fine. Smells Like Tom Skerritt.
Never mind (heh) the magic is gone. Someone pass the tartar sauce.
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mmmm Tartar sauce – the only reason for eating a fish sandwich – so bad for ya, so I usually don’t have it – but so yummy. Haven’t been surfing in a bit – but dang you guys are funny!
Sorry not clever enough at the moment to contribute to today’s question.
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Smells like armpit stank
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Sunshine – you heading out West at the moment?
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Not Oprah – Nah. Won’t get back out that way until August when The Princess and I are on our honeymoon.
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Smells like…Bong Water
Smells like…Fish Sandwich
Smells like…Ass Rabbit
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Damn I’m hungry all of a sudden, someone want to bring me a Filet O Fish?
I always thought teen spirit prolly smelt like a…insert Tilly’s line here. It’s not explained in the song, well not to me anyway but then I’m not as “deep” as some of you audiophiles out there.
Smells Like Burnt Pubes
Smells Like Sour Grapes
Smells Like Stale Beer
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Smells like Uranus.
Smells like man chowder.
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K – Sunshine. Congrats on getting married and many happy fillets to you both.
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Smells like Smegma
Smells like Pheromones
Smells like Boones Farm
Smells like Old Condoms
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My boyfriend (bikerdude) has the talent of driving his huge Dodge Ram diesel work truck while chowin’ down a Big Mac Value Meal, talking on his phone, smoking/lighting a cigarette, playing with the radio …all this while screamin’ down the highway stearing with his knee’s. Makes me crazy. Even when I am with him, he does everything BUT drive. Talks with his hands, has to look AT you while talking, pointing to something, working the radio dial….I’m a nervous wreck. The imaginary brake pedal gets a workout along with the “OH SHIT” bar.
Smells like…rotton crotch
Smells like…dick cheese
smells like…pit juice
Yeah…I’m disgusting.
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“stearing” = steering…. Smells like dumb shit
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OMG…
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bikerchick – I am glad i don’t have your nose!
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Jeff, you should invent some type of detachable neck-tray/sauce and/or drool catching device specifically for driving and dining purposes…oh and if you do I want credit and 50% of the profits.
Smells like Napalm in the Morning
Smells like Al Roker
Smells like a doozy of a toozy
and my son’s personal favorite: Smells like “Dumpster Juice”
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Tilly – I felt so bad that I reread and reread my comments and yours and apologized unconditionally Friday morning in the comments section as soon as I checked for updates.
Your explanation makes me feel a little better than what my imagination came up with. If I had been guilty of the extreme insensitivity that my imagination came up with (the reason I offended you) then most of my multiple personalities would have beaten the shit out of me for being such a heartless prick. I’m glad all is well.
Bikerchick – for some reason the image you paint reminds me of the recently departed super freakin nice guy Captain Phil from Deadliest Catch. I know I’m probably way way off but somehow I can picture him doing the stuff your bikerdude does….weird..
I’ve kept up my resolution to avoid McD’s this year…. but now that we’re talking McFish … hmmm
Smells like Jeff Kay
Smells like Keilbassa
Smells like desperation
Smells like tartar sauce
Smells like I’ve run out of ideas
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smells like dick whistle
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or was it whistle dick? hahaha
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Wendy’s has a good fish sandwich too, but only during Lent. I think they should have it all year!
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mmmm keilbassa….Why don’t fastfood restaurants sell that? Maybe I’m on to something – a drive-thru deli?
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Smells like falling tartar
Smells like Smoking Fish
Smells like fish sandwich
Smells like teenager farts
Smells like Asheet-ma-draws
Smells like Stu Pidasso
I could go on all day…..
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So I read your post and almost threw up a bit when you mentioned the Fish sandwich. Anything ‘fish’ should not be consumed from McDonald’s. Then I was browsing another site and almost threw up again. Breast milk cheese anyone?
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2010/03/09/national/a122814S12.DTL
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Smells Like Clean Ferrets
Smells Like Green Carrots
Smells Like Tom Bosley
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Smells like Shell Casings
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I said it once and I’ll say it again, we don’t eat fish sandwiches in my family. I’ve never had one and I never intend to. I was out in San Diego about 10 years ago and the big deal was “fish tacos”. Everwhere I looked I saw something about fish tacos. So we went to a local stand (seemed like a good idea) and we were served a crispy taco shell with a couple of fish sticks in the bottom and some kind of so-called slaw on the top. Horrible. I’ve since had a fish taco at a local place and it was very good. Large pieces of fish, soft tortillias, nice sauce, etc. But no fish sandwiches – I’m sure they’re great – but I’m against them.
As for your tartar sauce guard, why not use one of those golfer hats that amounts to a sweatband with a bill in the front? You know, they’re like hats without tops? Hang that baby around your neck to catch condiments. Seems like a good idea to me.
Smells like an erection (come on people, that one’s easy)
Smells like sex
Smells like port-o-john
Smells like hot garbage
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Yikes, The Blitzer. Did you see him on Jeopardy? What a dumbass, my cat knows more than him. The Shituation Room indeed.
Smells Like Morning Napalm? Here we are now, incinerate us, etc. Think of the video… even if the lyrics don’t scan.
Weird Al is one of those “you’re getting old” tests. I’ve noticed that with a few of his latest efforts I am unaware of the song being parodied. Crunk My Tweet by T-Jizz? No, I missed that one somehow.
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Smells like a carbon monoxide leak in my parents house.
Too soon?
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For Jason:
Smells like Velveeta (you’ll never live that down)
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HAHAHA Melissa!
I personally sing a few different versions of this song…
“Drive! You old Geezer!”
“Feels like a beer hangover.”
“Smells like a sweaty coochie.”
I know it’s not the same things as replacing the “Teen Spirit” part but hell, I sing lyrics I made up and everything. That’s got to count for something.
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“Yikes, The Blitzer. Did you see him on Jeopardy? What a dumbass, my cat knows more than him.
I did! It was unbelievable, almost like a parody. I kept waiting for the SNL skit to kick in.
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Shoot, if we’re going to do it right, let’s malaprop the whole tune – let’s start with verse 1:
Load up on guns
Bring your friends
It’s fun to lose and to pretend
She’s overborne and self-assured
Oh no, I know a dirty word
Chorus-
Hello, hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello ,hello
With the Lights out it’s less dangerous
Here we are now entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now entertain us
A mullato an albino
A mosquito my libido
yay
We CAN, and MUST, do this thing right.
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BTW: They ‘yay’ part might give the group trouble, but I’m convinced we can come up with something to distort even that one syllable into comic greatness.
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Tiff, you are not thinking. The ‘yay’ part is clearly ‘Kay!’.
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i use the excess tarter sauce to dip my fries in. Actually if you order extra tarter sauce you always get an amazingly fresh filet o fish sangwich. Just dip your fries in the excess then eat the sandwich,,,,yum
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Smells Like Peen Syrup
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Okay, Tiff, I’m game (even if my blog is temporarily down…it’ll be back). A parody in Appalachian English, no less:
Blowed up my buns
Reamed my friends
For ‘at grenade in my rear end
It’s all blowed-out, you rest assured
Oh no, how can I make a turd?
Chorus-
Hell no, hell no, hell no, hell no, low blow?
Hell no, hell no, hell no, hell no, low blow?
Hell no, hell no, hell no, hell no, low blow?
Hell no, hell no, hell no, hell no!
With my ass out, I’m outrageous
This is not advantageous
I fear sepsis and contagions
A mutilation an assplodo
An my pecker, where did he go?
yay
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Smells like low tide
@ WB: burnt pubes…that might top the list of “smells you don’t want to.” LOL.
Jeff, forget the editing book. You need this one:
http://www.amazon.com/Little-Billys-Letters-Incorrigible-Correspondence/dp/0061807281
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Hi Jeff thanks for the shirt, it arrived today.
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Smells like green spit-up.
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These responses are funny as hell!!!
Smells like…crusty beanticklers.
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Good Morning Surf Reporters…..
Tried to come up with a few more “smells like…..”. I have nothing. None of them made sense, but then again, none of them are supposed to make sense.
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Jeff,
I assume you’re aware that in two adjacent posts, you have posed QODs which span the distance from the timeless and ethereal all the way to the National Teenage Haiku Contest*. Quite an expedition, even when the mode of the music changes.**
So, if it must smell:
- Smells Like Mean Deer Shit
- Smells Like a Mosh Pit
And, if it must smell AND take into account the possible culpability of Ms. Love in the death of the writer/singer:
- Smells Like a Mob Hit
Of course, it doesn’t have to smell…
- Spells Like Bad Sanskrit
- Shell It, I’ll Sear It
I messed around with this for almost an hour, but couldn’t top “Smells Like Wolf Blitzer”. That was inspired, and it seems to me that it could be its own song, separate from a parody of Nirvana.
In any event, two very good QODs, after a few only OK ones. You are on a roll, and if you don’t insult the firewall, perhaps another today. I’ll look forward to it.
best as always,
jtb
.
* @1968, Ed Sanders, Ken Weaver, The Fugs, 4 Men With Beards Records. All rights reserved.
** @1968, Tuli Kupferberg, The Fugs, 4 Men With Beards Records. All rights reserved.
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Smells like dog the bounty hunter.
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Happy Birthday to Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”
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Just got back from getting a haircut. Just as the barber chick was readying to whip the tablecloth thingie off of me she asked me if my eyebrows were OK. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? I don’t have a unibrow.
Now I’m gonna go stand in front of the mirror and wonder why she asked me that.
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Smells like me, Fear it.
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A choad of gnomes, swing the trends
gramps just shit his depends
I ain’t been blown or ate a turd
your mom’s tits can’t feed a bird
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On the same note many moons ago on KY Derby eve (before I drank) a friend and I rewrote “sweet dreams”:
Pete screams when he’s in heat
Seuss did his mom and so did we
Unraveled the squirrel with the cream of wheat
Everybody’s cooking a pumpkin
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