Slipping on Ice, Podcasting, and Ultra-Flimsy Tea

As I was leaving work on Monday night I stepped on an ice patch in the parking lot, and somehow managed to administer an Atomic Knee-Drop to the pavement.  And the pavement was not impressed.  My knee hurt like a sumbitch, and I ended up wallowing around in a mud hole for a minute or two, with a pronounced grimace on my face.

There was nobody out there at the time, which is a good thing.  If someone had laughed at me, everything probably would have gone black and I would’ve woke up with the front of a dress shirt clutched in my fist.  I have a long history of losing my freaking mind when people laugh at me when I’m hurt; I’m simply not a fan.  And if some goody-goody had tried to help, it probably wouldn’t have been much better.  So, it’s best that I endured the episode alone.

I eventually returned to my feet, and my entire left side was soaked-through.  It was warm outside, and everything was melty and wet.  But, clearly, it was still a work in process, ‘cause I’d found some healthy ice underneath all that water.

Then I had a horrible thought:  my phone!  If that thing slipped out of my pocket, and is now lying at the bottom of that puddle… my exploded knee cap is the least of my problems.  I began frantically patting myself down, like String Bean on Hee Haw, and discovered that my phone was still safe and sound in the interior pocket of my jacket.

And once I realized that disaster was averted, the pain returned to my knee.  I’d almost forgotten about it during my Android-based panic attack, but now it was front and center again.

When I got home I took off my jeans, and there was a big open sore on the left side of my right knee.  It was like when I was a kid, and fell down on the sidewalk.  It didn’t feel too good, but didn’t appear to be anything serious.  All the pain seemed to be on the outside, which was a good sign.

And get this…  When I returned to work on Tuesday, my interim boss asked if I’d fallen in the parking lot the night before.  Apparently the security guards saw it happen, or noticed me rolling around on the asphalt out there, and reported it to her.  Hey, thanks for checking on me!  Thanks for rushing to my side, assholes!!

I had to fill out an accident report and the whole nine yards.  But the good news is that my knees aren’t completely Mickey Mantle’d up.  And my pelvis didn’t turn into a pelvis-shaped pile of dust.  These are positives, I believe.

Last night at work I bought a bottle of Brisk “iced tea” from one of the vending machines, and the bottle was shockingly flimsy.  Have you noticed this?  It was just one step up from a plastic bag.  The thing was difficult to grip, because there wasn’t even enough integrity to facilitate a gripping.

Is this some kind of environmental thing?  Are these new biodegradable bottles, or something?  Or is it just an attempt by PepsiCo to save a hundredth of a cent per bottle, by giving us a crappy grade o’ plastic?

It was almost like a Magnum condom full of tea.  Do you know anything about this?  Please help me out, won’t you?

And I’ve mentioned, probably on more than one occasion, that I’ve started to fixate on podcasts.  I download them through iTunes, and listen at work.  I especially like Adam Carolla and Marc Maron.

Brad sent me this list of a USA Today columnist’s ten favorite comedy podcasts, and my two faves appear there.  I’m unfamiliar with many of the others, and will be checking them out soon.  In fact, I already listened to an episode each of Never Not Funny and Mike & Tom Eat Snacks.

Did she miss anything in the comedy category?  I’m in a podcast frenzy over here, and would appreciate your suggestions.

And I always feel funny about bringing this up, but if you’ve ever thought about making a donation of beer to “the cause,” right now would be a really good time.  Ahem.  Here’s the link.  As always, I appreciate your support.  And if you’d like to buy a shirt, you can do so here.  Much appreciated!

Yeah, I feel funny about that kind of thing, but some of those podcasters just come right out with it:  “SEND ME MONEY!!”  Just so you know, I’ll never go that far.

I’ll leave you now with the Question of the Day.  I’d like to read your stories about falling down.  It could be ice-related, like mine, or something else.  Perhaps you fell down a flight of stairs, or plunged down a manhole like Larry Fine, or maybe went over a porch railing in a drunken stupor?  Anything interesting about falling down will do.  Please use the comments link below.

And I’ll be back on Friday, my friends.

Have yourselves a great day!

Now playing in the bunker

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103 Responses to “Slipping on Ice, Podcasting, and Ultra-Flimsy Tea”

  1. 6 blocks down an icy street I intended to tube down. One long scream.

    jtb

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  2. Thankfully, there was a tavern at the bottom of the hill. I just sat there hoping I still had skin and joints and stuff like that and guzzled until my friends drove around the long way to recover my body. Nobody said, “Hey John, you forgot the intertube” which was all for the best. I became the designated driver for the rest of the night. Not the sober guy…the guy who drove around and picked up everybody and their tubes at the tavern. I was sledded out for the evening.

    jtb

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    WhiteTrashBarbie Reply:

    Funny. Most of my falling down stories involve drinking before not after .

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Barbie, I didn’t claim I hadn’t been drinking before.

    jtb

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  3. Phew! I hope that softened the six block fall.

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Yeah, it did. Thank God I didn’t have a jackrabbit vibrator in my back pocket.

    jtb

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  4. Back when I had my Toyota Tundra, twice within a few weeks I got to work, stepped out of the truck (or down from the truck) onto black ice. The first time both feet were on the ground when I lost it, and landed flat on my back. My laptop landed on top of me, and like you and your phone my computer was the number one concern. The second time I still had one foot on its way from the truck to the ground, and I landed on my side, which hurt like a sumbitch. This time I didn’t give a crap about the laptop. I then had to brush off whatever snow/ice/salt was stuck to me, limp into my cubicle and take Tylenol for my 8.5 hour day.

    Too bad my shoes didn’t have soles made with the same rubber the truck’s tires wore, because they stuck to the icy pavement like glue.

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  5. Fell at work in convenience store. Kitchen area. Broke my wrist. They made me stay flat on the floor til ambulance and fire dept showed up. They continued to work around me, stepping over me as necessary. Customers loved it.

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  6. I enjoy listening to Steve Dahl’s podcast. Very funny and entertaining. He’s a radio personality from Chicago who does a podcast from his basement.

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    Malcolm Reply:

    Interesting tidbit about Dahl (I’m a big fan, all the way back to his live performances with Teenage Radiation at Chicagofest in the mid-80s):

    It is widely believed that Howard Stern had a friend send him tapes of Dahl’s show in the 1980s and that Stern used a lot of that material – slightly altered to avoid looking like a complete ripoff artist – to get famous in DC and NYC in the early days as the “shock jock”.

    One bit I particularly remember is the “Homo Club” – Dahl’s version of this bit preceded Stern’s by at least two years, but it is essentially the same shtick.

    Steve Dahl is a very funny, down to earth guy. He would be a great Surf Reporter.

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  7. I just fell down the basement steps a couple of weeks ago. I was heading down the basement one minute and the next I was flying down the stairs on my back/ass. I don’t know what happened but I banged up my left knee on the cement wall and bruised my ass all to hell. The bruises are gone but I still have phantom pains on it. Ten minutes after it happened my husband asked what that noise was. I would have bled out by the time he took notice that there was a loud noise, screaming and cussing and that I was missing. I think I should start carrying my cell phone with me all the time. Ya know, just in case.

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  8. Worst of the worst was walking to work (Yes, I have the “luxury” of a 5 minute walk to work, thank you! Slipped in a Nome, Alaska parking lot, 20 feet from the door to work. The “Three Stooges” couldn’t have done it any finer. Me in midair…landing on the top of my head. Man, that REALLY hurt!

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  9. Jeff,

    Wouldn’t the security guard that could have come to help you just have been a paid “goody-goody?” Just sayin’.

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    Jeff Reply:

    I don’t want them helping me, but it irritates me that they didn’t try. I never claimed to be consistent.

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    madz1962 Reply:

    Sue them. The bastards.

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  10. I fell on ice last week, but it was a cube my daughter, AngryWhiteGirl, had dropped on the kitchen floor.

    Worst falls: I fell through a second story window in my house when I was eight. Crashed through the glass and fake Dad caught me by my ankles before I went spiraling onto the spiky chain link fence below.

    Fell into a gully while climbing some hill/mountain thing with my cousin when I was 12. Stopped short of falling 40 feet by grabbing onto a tree limb. It was just like in a cartoon. My cousin Mark pulled me back up.

    I lived in a basement for a while across from Bob Evans in WV, where I worked, and had a beer bottle in my hand. When I hit bottom, the bottle smashed on my face. Could have used the flimsy Brisk bottle then. Cut deep scar into my cheek. Bill from WVs brother, who was my manager sent me home the next day from work because he said I looked mentally depressed. I’ll never forget that. The fact a manager actually gave a shit about my well being had never happened before and has never happened since.

    Fell from the back of a moving pickup truck onto the interstate about 15 years ago and was playing Frogger trying to not get hit by 70 MPH drivers while getting off the road. Yeah, I’ve cheated the Grim Reaper a few times.

    Lastly, slipped and fell off the entrance to a high dive and landed back flat on the concrete below. Split the back of my head. Continually have cortisone shots in my back that same pool pays for three times a year. Not enough roughage on the diving board and made it slippery in the spot I slipped on. The twelve foot fall was witnessed by about 50 people and they (pool) immediately offered medical services for life.

    Why is it that I still don’t know what a podcast is?

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    Jimbo Reply:

    Damn. I’m not sure which is cheating death more… falling off the moving pickup truck, or not getting hit by traffic.

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    Rick Reply:

    Were you trying the “If-I-run-fast-enough-I-can-hit-the-ground-running” stunt? :)

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  11. …Oh, but the absolute WORST fall I have ever witnessed was this teenage zitster at a fast food restaurant. Circa 1980, this kid had just drained the oil out of a deep fryer, and was making his way past the cashiers to deposit the vat of hot oil someplace. When he got past the register I was at, he accidentally slipped, and the entire contents of the hot oil spilled all over him. It was totally horrendous, and seriously, as much of a sick sense of humor that I have, I was totally mortified.

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    Phil Jett Reply:

    My brother did the same thing with a fresh pot of hot coffee. One of the most unpleasant things I’ve ever seen. The whole skin peeling off in big sheets is not pretty.

    My stomach aches just thinking about it.

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    Bones Reply:

    My Dad did the same thing with hot oil in ’60′s at an A&W. He was in the hospital for a few weeks and ended up with scars on his legs. I think he was only like 14 or so…

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    madz1962 Reply:

    My dad did the same thing with a pasta pot of boiling water. My mother thought it was the spaghetti hanging off his arms – it was his skin.” I still get the heebie jeebies thinking about it..

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    JFC Reply:

    I worked at a steakhouse and the oil from the fryer was put in this rolling bucket with a lid on top. A lady climbed on top to reach something and the lid gave way, and her foot fell in it. I was at the other end of the restaurent and heard the scream loud and clear.

    Never saw her again. Hope she is ok now.

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    Alex Reply:

    You guys will enjoy this WSIB safety commercial (“The Chef”);
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tN2gpRcFKAQ

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  12. I fell on icy stairs years ago; landed hard on my tailbone on the stairs and “bounced” face-first into a snowbank. My jerk (then) boyfriend sat in the car and laughed. It was weeks before I could sit comfortably again.

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  13. On our families big trip to the ol’ US of A, we went to the Grand Canyon around November. It was a beautiful day and there was about 2 feet of snow everywhere. I was so eager to get to the edge and see the view. Of course this tropical boy had never seen snow before and didn’t make the association between snow and ice. Just as I was making my way to the edge, the involuntary: “Whoa, look at that magnificent vie-WAAAAAAHHHHHSHIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!” and I went canonballing towards the edge of oblivion. I must have looked like the Coyote from looney tunes – legs moving in a blur in one direction, body going the other. Then I stopped short in a heap of mud. I couldn’t go near it after that. My wife thought it was pretty funny, though.

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  14. I’ve had two good falls recently. We live in a small village in the mountains and must walk down a pretty steep stone muletrail that’s been here for probably 1000 years. We’ve only been here since May, and it was hotter than shit this summer and I refused to put on shoes and socks and pretty much lived in sandals and flip-flops. I was walking out of my front gate one morning and when I stepped forward with my left foot it slid out from under me and I fell off the edge of the muletrail and broke my little toe. As it happened, two of the old ladies in the village were sitting on their balcony checking out the action (they are nosey as hell) and said to me in Italian “You are always wearing the wrong shoes. You live in the mountains now, not the beach.” Lovely.
    Scene: Same muletrail. The little girl who lives around the corner from us is terrified of my giant Swiss Mountain Dog, who is the gentlest dog on the planet (and dumb as hell). One afternoon last week, I was taking him for a walk, and I heard her coming. I grabbed Louie by his collar so she could walk by. Well, Louie had other ideas. He wanted to say “ciao” and promptly took off to do so, dragging my on my left knee for about 3 feet before I could finally get my hand loose from his collar. Yeah, he got a bit of a, shall we say, spanking.
    I, like Jeff, now have a giant raspberry on my left knee like a little kid. Good times.

    Happy Wednesday, Surfers!

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  15. Fortunately I’ve never slipped on the ice and busted my ass. Although I’m about as coordinated as a wet noodle, I’ve always been able to right myself somehow before I go all the way down.

    I believe it’s a miracle that God has bestowed upon me to make up for that “incident” at his house.

    One Sunday, after church, I was making my way down the stairs from the balcony. At the bottom of the steps was the pastor, greeting people as they left. I made it down three steps and then fell, tumbling head over heels all the way to the bottom, landing in a heap with my skirt over my head and my ass sticking squarely up within everyones view.

    Yeah.

    So maybe it’s just me, but I think God owes me safe passage over ice for the rest of my freakin life.

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    kenju Reply:

    AMEN. World without end.

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    Tammie Reply:

    Red panties Kenju…RED.DEVIL.BAD GIRL PANTIES…and they were satin.

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  16. Walking home drunk one night we had to cut through some backyards and a fence. I somehow ended up on the other side of the fence landing flat on my back with a thud and my legs and feet straight up in the air facing the fence. The next morning I couldn’t find my keys so we had to go back there in the light of day and there they were sitting in the grass.

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  17. The worst tumble I’ve taken… I don’t remember it because I was too young, but my mom always tells this story. I was 2 or 3 years old and loved flashlights. I was walking down the stairs at home, with a flashlight in-hand, when I took a spill. I went tumbling down the steps, eyeball first right onto that flashlight.

    When my mom saw me fall, she thought she’d be scooping eyeball into a cooler to take to the emergency room… but all I had was a black eye. And so I got up and proceeded merrily walking around the house with my flashlight. No damage to my eye sight or anything… at least, nothing worse than the 20/400 vision that I have in both eyes.

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  18. Eighth grade, running to catch the bus and tripped over my bell bottom brown cords (which EVERYONE was wearing at that time) rolled all the way down a great sledding hill and landed right in front of the bus. Had to go to school with muddy pants and listen to everyone say “I heard you fell HA HA” Pissed me off. Eighth grade sucked the big one!

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  19. you’re right about the plastic bottles. Don’t even try to buy a liter-size water bottle in any variety but Aquafina – you’d need and engineering degree to figure out where to grip the damned things so you’re not losing half of it down your shirt immediately after opening. Aquafina doesn’t appear to have made the dreadful switch yet, so they continue to get my business.

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  20. I was going to say much the same thing as Tiff. I bought a case of water bottles for use in the car and I can’t open one without squeezing half of it out when I turn the cap. Pretty soon, we’ll have beverage packets like kid’s juice pouches; just ram in the straw and go.

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  21. I think I told this story before….

    On St. Patricks Day weekend the weather was kind of like it is now. Everything melting and a slushy mess. I was dressed to go to some St. Paddy party, high heels included. Yes. Walking in heels in the snow. Idiot. I stopped at a party store on my way to get favors. Coming out of the store I stepped in a puddle that ended up being a hole in the sidewalk. I did a superman, face first and sliding forward into the parking lot, slush, and snow. I fell right out of my shoe as it was still lodged in the puddle. My purse slid a few feet further in front of me. Quite the scene. I had to hobble back to get my shoe then retrieve my purse before a car ran it over. I was soaking wet head to toe and had to go home to change. Fucked up the palm of my hand and skinned both knees. At that point I noticed two highschool aged zitster guys sitting in a car with front row view doubled over laughing. I walked to my car, got in and drove away like nothing ever happened. Felt like a total ditz.

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    Tammie Reply:

    I would have flashed them and then flipped them off…bastards.

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    bikerchick Reply:

    Tammie: SHIT! Where were you when I needed you??

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  22. Dropped for no reason at a work event. Tore my ACL. WHILE STANDING STILL. I have mad skills.

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  23. I’ve taken falling to an art form! When I was about six, my older sister thought it would be exhilerating to go down the stairs in a laundry basket. Me, being the guinea pig. She loads me in and jumps ot the side so I went careening down, flew out of the laundry basket, did a sumersault and landed in a heap at the bottom of the stairs.

    Fast forward a few years, same sister, me and two of my cousins decided to hike up Mount Beacon in Beacon, NY. For a small mountain, the fucker wsa pretty steep. And when I say “hike” it’s not like we were equipped with boots and walking sticks. Fuck no – Levis, T shirts and sneakers. We got about 1/2 way up, smoked some contraband cigarettes we got from a machine, sang “Brown Sugar” at the top of our lungs then headed back.

    I started going downhill and realized my legs were going faster then the rest of my body, I remembr tripping and all I recall was flashes of sky, dirt, pine tree, 6 human legs and rocks as I went avalanching down the side of that moutnain desperately grasping clumps of earth, saplings, rocks and pine cones praying to stop my force. I pretty much Sonny Bono’d crotch first into a tree to break my fall. A Pig Pen cloud of dust came wafting down the mountain and my sister and cousins tied their socks around my leg (where we got this First Aid knowledge, I have no fucking idea). I had to limp the rest of the way -sideways as I recall all the way down.

    There are others – one night walking throug Grand central I abruptly – and for no apparant reason – went down on one knee on the marble floor.

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    Ognir Reply:

    We use to do that with one those big plastic football toy boxes.

    Speaking of falling, I wonder how rich the texting woman who fell in the fountain is now?

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    madz1962 Reply:

    That twit owed money all over town so now they’re trying to see if it was a set up. From the get-go she pissed me off.

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    Jason Reply:

    She allegedly stole $5,000 on a co-worker’s credit card. Stupid bitch.

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  24. About 4 years ago I was at a Native American powwow with my mom, sister-in-law, and 2 nieces. We were all sitting on the upper row of bleachers (maybe 6 feet up), and right at the end. When it came time to leave, I decided I didn’t need to go all the way down to exit the bleachers; I was cool enough to just hop down from where I sat.

    I am never cool enough, so I ended up falling onto a vendor’s table and then onto to the floor. Nothing was hurt except my pride, and I walked to the car as fast as my legs would take me. I was livid. Several hours later, I was back home, and wrote in my journal “I fell off the bleachers at the powwow today,” and as soon is the last word left my pen, I began to laugh, and didn’t stop for minutes.

    This tale has an epilogue as well: sometime last year I was visiting family, and I related a story where the end result was my embarrassment, and my oldest niece (who is now 11) said to me “Was it like that time you fell off the bleachers?”

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  25. Jeff, the security guards didn’t come to help you because they were too busy uploading video of your pratfall to YouTube.

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  26. I’ve fallen quite a few times wearing flip flops in the summer. A little bit of moisture on the flops on a shiny floor will send you flying…

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  27. I once jumped over a small parking curb and slipped on ice… ended up fracturing a bone in my foot while trying to regain my balance. That was pretty bad, but I ended up using crutches for a few weeks and went to see my buddy in freezing rain. I was still young, and my mother dropped me off. I didn’t get 10 feet from the car when the floor just slipped right under me and my crutches. freaken landed on my back in an inch of water, and couldn’t get back up broken foot and slippy ice under the puddle. All I could hear was my mother laughing. I love her, but man that was NOT funny!!.

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  28. Fell about fifteen minutes ago while walking a friend’s dog. He tried to go one way, I tried to go the other, hit a small patch of ice and wham. Wouldn’t have been so bad, but I nearly landed in a pile of, to borrow a phrase, freshly cut yard crullers. A close call…

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  29. Oy, falling down. I have a minor form of Muscular Dystrophy, so I don’t have the muscle speed to recover when I trip, so I ALWAYS fall, I never am able to stop myself. Plus, I’m a fat fuck, so when I go down, it’s like a sack of wet newspaper. It’s very hard getting up also – when it happens in front of people, I just want to kill myself.

    But I can still laugh at people falling. When I was in about 10th grade, I was sitting on the bleachers in gym class with an older kid – we weren’t talking, just happened to be sitting near each other. It was Volleyball day, and the net had just been set up. For some unknown reason, the fattest kid in the class walked up to the net, and tried to karate kick it. His heel got caught in the bottom of the net, and he did a little hop-hop-hop on one foot, CRASH! We, as far as I know were the only people who saw it, and I think we laughed for a solid two minutes without breathing.

    Joe

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  30. Jeff,

    I highly recommend the podcast Uhh Yeah Dude (www.uhhyeahdude.com) – it’s hosted by Seth Romatelli and Jonathan Laroquette, son of actor John Laroquette. As they describe it – they’re just two American Americans talking about America.

    Also, I was once at the top of the wooden stairs in my parents house – holding a plate overflowing with chips and hot dogs balanced like a serving tray in one hand, and a big glass of soda in the other. I missed the first of their thirteen steps, and managed to “ski” all the way down the steps upright and land flat on my feet at the bottom, not having spilled a single drop on the way down. My feet hurt for some time after – but I have to admit, I felt like a champ for pulling that one off.

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    madz1962 Reply:

    That must have looked awesome!

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  31. I’m still trying to get the hang of all of the texting abbreviations.

    Does ROFOVLFAO = rolling on the floor in my own vomit laughing my friggin’ ass off?

    Does LMTPGW = launching myself through a plate-grass window?

    Does ILADS = ingesting large amounts of dog shit?

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  32. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48ysOQZY6iw&playnext=1&list=PL22887AB89B86557C

    This may have just been a Canadian thing but when I was a kid this ad made me BEG for these Super Slider Snow Skates by K-Tel. Got them for Christmas, strapped them on,stepped onto the icy driveway and BAM! Broken collar bone. Merry Christmas to me…

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    Tyrosine Reply:

    I had those and they SUCKED. I imagine they’d be a lawyer’s dream these days.

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  33. I was on my way to play in a regional championship for 9-ball – the winner advanced to the Nationals. It was a big deal. And I was traveling with a friend and fellow competitor. We split a room to save on costs, because we’re amateurs, and therefore completely responsible for all of our expenses. As we exited the hotel and walked through the parking lot to get to my car, she was lagging a few steps behind me organizing her gear. She called out and asked if I had the room key, and I turned around to answer…but still kept walking forward. As the word “yes” exited my mouth, I stepped partially in a pothole and rolled my right ankle and landed on my left knee (and keyed my car on the way down for good measure).
    I was doing a pain-roll very similar to what you described from your confrontation with the ice. The pain was so excruciating that I didn’t want to get up. I refused assistance and just wallowed there for a minute or two. But eventually I dusted myself off, got up and went to the damn tournament. I played for 10 straight hours before seeking medical attention. You can’t make it to Nationals if you don’t win Regionals, and I’m a competitor, dammit! Turns out I knocked a bone loose in my ankle and ended up in a brace that resembled the shin guard for an Imperial Storm Trooper for 6 months! But I won that tournament (my friend came in 2nd) and we both went on to play in the National Championships (where I placed 5th). Pain…it’s only temporary…titles you keep for a lifetime!

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  34. OK, since we have to wait till tomorrow and this topic looks like it may have ran it’s course, here’s some drivel.

    Only in my hometown

    http://www.heraldtribune.com/article/20110216/BREAKING/110219799/2416/NEWS?Title=Woman-pulls-another-s-breasts-out-in-school

    and this

    http://www.heraldtribune.com/article/20110215/ARTICLE/110219859/0/NEWS

    I suppose you can copy and paste if the link doesn’t fire up, but the first one is about one woman’s jealousy of another woman’s funbags, and her pulling them out before school officials. The other one is about how much one can fit in one’s asshole.

    And now, the Grammy winners:

    Album of the Year: “The Suburbs,” Arcade Fire- Am I so uncool now that I have no idea who this is. My son says they are good, but I swear I had not heard the name Arcade Fire in my life until Sunday night.

    Record of the Year: “Need You Now,” Lady Antebellum- I guess putting the word “Lady” before your name wins stuff now. Lady Led Zeppelin should have tried that. The best fucking rock band in the world never got props on these shows.

    New Artist: Esperanza Spalding- Who the fuck is this? Mumford Brothers all the way, man. This woman’s afro was brushing against my face during the telecast.

    Female Pop Vocal Performance: “Bad Romance,” Lady Gaga- It’s a man baby!

    Male Pop Vocal Performance: “Just The Way You Are,” Bruno Mars- I actually liked this guy during his live performance.

    Pop Performance by a Duo or Group: “Hey Soul Sister,” Train- I cannot go into how much I hate Train. That Drops of Jupiter songs with “Na, na na, na, na, na, nah nah hey hey” lyrics made me a hater. Use some fucking words for Christ’s sake.

    Pop Vocal Album: “The Fame Monster,” Lady Gaga- Stll a man baby!

    Alternative Album: “Brothers,” The Black Keys- I like this band, but I get their recent single confused with the new Cee-Lo song.

    Traditional Pop Vocal Album: “Crazy Love,” Michael Buble- Yes this is pop vocal at it’s best. Anyone heard it?

    Rock Song: “Angry World,” Neil Young- Let’s give ole Neil an award every 20 years or so. I think “This Note’s for You” was the last one. I didn’t know he still put stuff out. I wouldn’t. I would just retire to my farm and smoke dope all day if I were Neil.

    Rock Album: “The Resistance,” Muse- Finally, they got one right.

    Rock Performance: “Tighten Up,” The Black Keys – This is the song I was talking about.

    Solo Rock Vocal Performance: “Helter Skelter,” Paul McCartney – See above Neil Young comment

    Urban/Alternative Performance: “(Forget) You,” Cee Lo Green- This is the song that I get the Black Keys song confused with. I like it though, even though the Muppets performed it on the telecast.

    Rap Album: “Recovery,” Eminem
    Rap Solo Performance: “Not Afraid,” Eminem- Everyone’s pissed cause he ONLY got two awards this year and was nominated for 10. Esperanza Spalding has some serious ass kissing to do then.

    Electronic Dance Album: “La Roux,” La Roux- It’s a man baby! Again

    Musical Show Album: “American Idiot,” (Featuring Green Day)- I was pleased with this, but it’s not the fucking Tony Awards.

    How many countries are going to revolt now for a new leader? I am predicting 11. Will it spread to here. One can only hope so. I admit I was in line to give homey a chance, but in two years, is ANYTHING any better. Jimmy Carter is screaming “Roz, take that bag off your head! We’re going out in public again!”

    Gotta get back to work. Comment if you feel like it. Fight the power!

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    Isn’t Lady Gaga David Bowie’s niece or something? Should be.

    If Buble were anymore white he would be Casper. Can’t listen.

    I thought Neil Young was dead.

    [Reply]

    madz1962 Reply:

    That inmate story reminds me of the Blues Brothers when Jake is getting an itemized accounting of his shit before being sprung from ‘the joint”.

    “One prophylactic – used. “

    [Reply]

    neilyoungfan Reply:

    AGW- Hard to believe, but that was Neil’s first Grammy.
    Chuck- Nope, he’s not dead.

    [Reply]

    AngryWhiteGuy Reply:

    You are correct. For some reason I thought in ’89 he won, but was only nominated. Maybe he should have called himself “Lady” Neil Young.

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    Keep on rockin’ in the free world !

    [Reply]

  35. Comedy podcasts to check:

    The Pod F Tompkast
    http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-pod-f-tompkast/id385372276

    The 40 Year Old Boy
    (too lazy to find links, look in iTunes you lazy SOB)

    Bill Burr Monday Morning Podcast

    The Joe Rogan Experience

    PS: “front of a dress shirt clutched in my fist” – that phrase instantly conjured images of Lloyd Bonafide in my pea sized noggin… lol

    [Reply]

  36. I’ll send you some more beef Jeff, when you post my “Smoking Fish” pictures. X^(

    [Reply]

  37. Uhh Yeah Dude is a very funny podcast, check it out.

    [Reply]

  38. Beer, make that – not beef. Although I bet you wouldn’t turn down a steak.

    [Reply]

  39. Those absurd thin plastic bottles are like trying to drink out of a ketchup packet. Sometimes when you go to twist off the top the hole damned bottle twist with it. I have a couple of cases of water that’s in these shitty thin bottles. God, it burns my ass.

    I had a really good fall a couple of weeks ago. My little kids had emptied an entire bottle of condintoner on the shower floor in my bathroom. When I got in I slipped into “the splits” and I thought I’d burst one of my testicles on the shower curb. I also managed to drag the pedastal sink away from the wall and sliced my arm open. I had to get stiches. Thankfully, my balls didn’t burst. But the doctor (female) said my taint was bruised. I didn’t know that was a medical term, taint.

    [Reply]

    madz1962 Reply:

    Probably means “taint working”

    [Reply]

  40. Blame the tree huggers for the flimsy bottles. Better for the environment or some such shit.
    I drink that flavored carbonated water Walmart sells and they used to put it in those squatty plastic bottles. Now they put it in some long thin tall bottle that shoots out of the cup holder in my car every time I apply the brakes.
    I foresee a flaming crash when it wedges itself under the brake pedal.

    [Reply]

  41. I fell down the basement stairs last week, but there was no hilarity, just soft tissue damage. I do, however, have two relatively amusing fall-related stories:

    1. About 15 years ago, when my sister-in-law (Lump) lived with us, I fell down the stairs. I had just got out of the shower and needed to tell Lump something fairly important. She was in the rec room in the basement, so I only went down a couple of steps (on account of being naked), with the intent of leaning over and giving her the message. I slipped on the stairs and heel skidded all the way to the basement and ended up on my back right in front of her.

    2. One icy day in high school (circa 1985), my friends and I were standing in the foyer of the school watching everyone slip in the parking lot. One teacher, Ms. Francois(?), fell flat on her ass. We laughed and laughed. She lay there, with us laughing, for quite awhile until someone checked on her. We kept laughing. Some of the staff from the office eventually came out to check on the situation, and we laughed the whole time. In fact we kept laughing until the ambulance pulled up and she was carted away with a leg broken in nine places. We were honestly oblivious to the fact that she was injured (a fact that I admit should have been obvious), so I do feel bad for not going out to help her, but to be fair it was funny.

    [Reply]

  42. Not much, but more than you cared to know about plastic bottles…
    Those flimsy plastic bottles are produced at the bottling location, they are so flimsy becuase 1)yes, they can save 6/10ths of a cent on each bottle 2)becuase no transportation is required the bottles are made as thin as possible. They are basically filled with beverage pretty much right after they are produced.
    Bottles that have good structure are made at separate plant and need to be sturdy to maintain their shape through packing and shipping to the bottling location.
    For the majors, with lots of floor space, making their plastic bottles inhouse actually saves them a significant bundle of money. AKA: more profit.

    Slip’s ‘n falls;
    -two winters ago, after a freeze up got a slick coating of ice on the front stairs my foot went out from under me and I landed with my left elbow on the steps and my ass on another step. Farking hurt. I think I managed to fracture, if not chip a bone in that one for the way it hurt. That bastard took a year to heal up as I couldn’t really put any pressure on that point for months.

    -yesterday, at work, getting out of the van I wrenched my shoulder as I had a firm grip on the steering wheel justin-case. Well, justin case happened as my feet went out from under me, but my grip on the steering wheel remained and probably twisted my shoulder in unnatural directions. Its better this afternoon.

    -in my young and dumber days, I used to vault off the stairs going to the basement. This one time… the floor must have been freshly waxed as my feet went out and my right knee firmly smacked into the corner of the side stringer of the stairs. I litterally had two knees within an hour. Couldn’t bend my leg, bruised to hell. That one got me an x-ray. Nothing broken, but I was on crutches for a while to let all the bits ‘n pieces heal up.
    -while on those crutches (8th grade), before I got proficient at crutching, I hit a wet spot in the school hallway and my wings stretched wide and face plant. No pain, no injuries fortuneately.

    -got a new bike, and got ready to take it over a sweet jump (bmx track us neighbourhood hoodlums made)… well, lets just say it was sprawling arms and legs with a solid crash landing on my back as my bike continued to sail gracefully through the air, or at least that what I was told about it.

    [Reply]

  43. My cousin fell out of a tree when we were kids and broke BOTH arms on a huge tree root. After he got his cast on he would beg me to wipe his ass for him, but I never did. I stapled a towel onto a small dog house and put it in the bathroom for him. The idea was that he could rub his ass across the towel and not bother me.

    I went in his bathroom about a week later and he’d been using the towel for quite some time. The smell of shit was thick and there wasn’t a place on the towel left clean. Sick bastard.

    I’m going to get some popcorn and some red devil satin panties. Let me know if you need anything.

    [Reply]

  44. When I was ten I went down “Dead Man’s Curve” on a sled. I didn’t make the curve (the sled runner got caught in a rut of ice formed by other sleds), and I went hard, back first, into a very large tree.

    Some kind stranger put me on the sled (I couldn’t walk) and pulled me back up the hill and drove me home. My dad, being an MD, was pissed that he had moved me, but I was already convinced being home was better than freezing my ass off at the bottom of Dean Man’s curve.

    A couple of X-rays later they determine it is a cracked lumbar vertebra, and I was out of school and on bed rest for 3 weeks. I used to get pain on my lower left side from time to time when it was cold, that was about the only lingering effect. Otherwise fine (i.e., very, very lucky).

    [Reply]

  45. I bike everywhere so long as it’s even kinda warm. one day in March it was gorgeous, everything was melty. i’m ripping down the street, I make a right into the local Canadian Tire parking lot. all’s well. there’s a couple cars behind me but it’s no biggie cause i’m hauling ass. Well I get in front of the store (into the shade…important to remember) I’m also wearing my sunglasses so the pavement always looks dark.

    Well Oldy McNeedsawalker decides to cross the parking lot in front of me forcing me to swerve….actually she forced me to dump my bike. yeah…seems that once i got in the shade, All of that water from melting snow turned into nice slippery ice. remember the glasses? yeah i had no clue i was on ice. had i kept going straight i’d have had no clue. Thanks Oldie Hawn. I shredded my knee, fractured my arm and almost reworked my front teeth.

    Oh don’t bother checking to see if i’m okay. I’m young, it builds character. though it’s probably better that you did take off….Old people are historically very poor at defending themselves from bloodied university students wielding a mountain bike like a warhammer.

    [Reply]

  46. Holy shit – my boss just told me 1 minutes ago that he fell on the ice in his driveway last week. I saw him wincing as he was putting his coat on and he ‘fessed up that he fell, both fett out frm under him and hit his head and fucked up his shoulder.

    Of course I didn’t tell him “Hey! That’s Jeff Kay’s question today!”

    [Reply]

  47. oh yeah, remember when ontario, quebec and a fair portion of the northeaster US got slammed by that big ice storm in the late 90′s??? yeah we lived on a hill…like…the street went straight up the hill at a pretty good angle. I’m fifteen, i’m cocky, I don’t need anything more than my slippers to go out and get the mail…

    yeah i ended up at the bottom of the hill pretty damn quick. maybe 400 yards from my driveway. it took me a half hour to get back to the driveway by “climbing” the hill. i weaseled my way over to the snowbank and started busting through the ice layer to make footholds. i bet i looked cute.

    once i was warmed up i threw on my hockey skates and tried it from the top of the hill….that made the earlier fall totally worth it.

    [Reply]

  48. I am SO going to watch this….. : http://www.iheartchaos.com/post/3333091486/darshs-random-movie-reviews-the-wild-and-wonderful

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    My husband reports that the movie is heavy on the trainwreck, lite on the Jesco. I withstood 15 minutes of it before I had to leave the room. For the record, aggressively ignorant is not a disability.

    [Reply]

    Garrett - g1g3m Reply:

    I couldn’t stand it any longer, so I downloaded it. I made it all the way through, but felt sad and kind of dirty afterward. I am ashamed to say that I DID laugh out loud a few times.

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    I especially love how the welfare dollar is used to purchase drugs. And by the size of the rails she’s laying out on the back of the toilet, they get quite a hefty check.

    [Reply]

  49. Instantly I remember my worst fall —

    In the 1980′s it was a $50 winter coat that I begged my mother for even though I knew it was a lot to ask.
    Day 5 of wearing the coat?
    While running with school mates across the field from the high school to the elementary school my foot found a patch of ice that landed me backside down in a muddle of mud.

    This coat was an off white sweater coat
    THINK SPONGE
    I was too mortified
    thinking about what I was going to tell my mother
    *dry clean only
    to laugh along with my friends.
    And they laughed. oh yes they did. It was a spectacle!

    [Reply]

  50. I saw a man full-out “eat it” in the Tube station the other day. When I looked down to see what made him trip, I saw a sandwich. …The guy slipped on a rogue sandwich. That’s just a step away from a banana peel.

    [Reply]

  51. Rode down two flights of stairs on my ass with a forty pound dog on my lap and my tail bone banged every step on the way down. We were playing a club in Anchorage for a couple months and the club gave us three rent-a-wrecks to use and put us up in apartments. I called the place we stayed “Seizures Palace”. Second floor inside entrance. Carpet up the stairs but covered with that plastic runner stuff they use for protection. Factor in winter and snow being tracked in which melts to water that may as well be snot when you add rubber sole boots. Opened my apartment door to take Stanley out for a good romp and was right there when the guy across the carpet runner opened his door to take his sheep dog out for the same thing. That little space got crowded quick and the sheep dog jumped Stanley and the yelping and growling the most incredible instant dog fight was on in an isntant. The big sheep dog had Stanley pinned. I grabed the sheep dog by the forehead, pulled it off Stanley and grabed Stan with my other hand. Then I picked him up and turned. My boots slipped on the water and I went on my ass, craddled Stan and rode the stairs to the bottom. Bev (now my wife) and Sito (her then boyfriend our soundman) lived at the bottom apartment where I came to a stop. They came out after hearing all that and there was me and Stanley. I couldn’t move. Sito helped me up and back up the stairs. My butt was numb and I could barely walk. I sat in a tub of hot water for hours. I could hardly lift my legs just over a foot to make it onto the bandstand each night. It hurt for months. I couldn’t sit at all and was worried about the flight home even after a month it happened. Luckily it was a three month gig but I was still sore for many months afterwards when I got home to Vegas.

    [Reply]

  52. I took my sister to the airport at Lewisburg, WV. I had on my high heel boots and I was working it. Right in front of the window, I hit a patch of ice and was air borne. I remember the feeling. In. the. air. My ass came down hard. My sister, being the loving sibling she is, peed herself laughing at me. I confess, I would have done the same. Of course, the biggest worry is, did anyone see me. Yes, the whole airport saw me. They were laughing as well. Thank God it was Lewisburg, WV and not Atlanta, GA.

    The second episode occurred when I was getting ready for the big family Christmas event at our house, since we lived at the old home place. I was just getting into the clean the fuck out of the house mode, cleaning out the fridge. I took a pan of beets to throw over the fence (farm living, is the life for me), and slipped on the icy steps right on my back. I thought I was dead, it hurt so bad. My youngest son witnessed the event, and seeing the beet juice, thought I was bleeding. My ex ran out to get me on my feet, and I was like, “Stop, stop, stop. It hurtsss!” Anyway, I spent Christmas eve in the ER, and the exes family kept calling, “Are we still having that thing?” Of course we are. Those assholes didn’t even give me a place to sit. Thank God for the good drugs.

    Most recently, I was hauling clean laundry down the steps, got to the bottom step, my flip flopped foot twisted, and I fell flat on my face. My foot looked like a balloon someone had blown up, a multicolored balloon. Big old strawberry on my knee and on my chin.

    Falling is a bitch. The important thing is, did anyone see you.

    [Reply]

    Knucklehead Reply:

    Until you’re pushing 50 – then the important thing is “did I break my hip”!

    [Reply]

  53. I don’t know about those particular bottles – our machine gives cans – but flimsification is definitely a trend in plastic bottles in general. The company saves that hundredth of a cent (the real motivation), while feeling entitled to crow that “we’re going green!” (pure bullshit).

    I’ve never really listened to a podcast, except for this guy “Jeff Kay” who used to do them.

    Ice-wise, the other week I slipped but recovered while snow-brushing the car. My most interesting incident was dropping the motorcycle when it skidded on an icy road.

    Jeff, enjoy the Weyerbacher Simcoe.
    .

    [Reply]

    Terri Reply:

    Hubby and I slid on our motorcycle when we were dating, I had road rash all down my leg and my knee hurt. The week before some a-hole turned in front of us and I knew he was going to have to lay the bike down – so I jumped off so he could do it. I rolled a few times and was fine – he had to go to the hospital. On the up-side he totally wiped out the side of the guys car. He knew the guy and was bleeding all over everything and still wanted to beat the shit out of him! (high school guys -what are ya gonna do?) Thought my parents were going to say no more motorcycle riding, but they knew better! If it wasn’t for that bike I prolly would have never married my love!

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    We’ve had a few assholes pull out in front of us over the years. Terrible feeling. They think you can stop on a dime. The last time it happened to us….after skidding to a halt….we caught up to the car and I kicked the drivers door with my boot. Dumb ass bitch didn’t even take her eyes off the road like it never happened.

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    Terri, I’m glad you both came out OK. Several years ago, my cousin was a lot less lucky. A car turned left in front of them; my cousin walked away without a scratch, but her husband was killed.
    .

    [Reply]

  54. Companies don’t give a shit about going green unless you’re speaking of greenbacks. The bottles are thinner only to rake in more dough. But now that you’ve suggested it, it’s only a matter of time until we’re all swinging sheepskin bladders full of Brisk around. Can’t wait.

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    I’d rather have a sheep’s stomach, full of haggis.
    .

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    Brisk is bad….but not that bad.

    [Reply]

  55. As a public service I must add: Do NOT, under any circumstances, do a Google image search of the word “deformed”. Jeebus McChristy!!

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    Now…you KNOW that’s a formal invite for most of us who frequent this establishment!!

    [Reply]

    rob Reply:

    Wow. Mom was right; I never listen…

    Some of those cannot be unseen.

    [Reply]

  56. Telling me NOT to usually means I need to. I liked the deformed Bush picture.

    [Reply]

  57. Covered a night shift for a co-worker who had gone to Florida. Got home at about 3:30 in the morning and slipped on a patch of ice in my driveway. Saw stars and everything. When I got up the next morning I couldn’t find my glasses anywhere. I hit my head so hard I guess I forgot about the fall because it never occurred to me they might be out side. I found them when I went to get the paper.

    [Reply]

  58. Is Zsa Zsa dead yet? I can pick up 6 regular points plusr ten bonus points in my Celebrity Dead Pool.

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    No, but Uncle Leo from Seinfeld bit the dust yesterday. Jesus HELLO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    [Reply]

    AngryWhiteGuy Reply:

    Just read that a couple hours ago. That guy was a guest star in like every TV show from the beginning of time. Liked him best in Raymond.

    [Reply]

  59. Late to the commenting party, but I recommend this list: “A Seriously Comprehensive Guide to Comedy Podcasts” http://splitsider.com/2011/01/a-seriously-comprehensive-guide-to-comedy-podcasts/. I’m a big WTF and Pod F. Tompkast fan.

    [Reply]

  60. I recall one fall in particular that was totally voluntary. We had taken the kids to go sledding and I completely misjudged the steepness of the hill. Result?
    Fat guy flying down the hill on a tube (a la Christmas Vacation), I hit the bump at the bottom and see sky-snow-sky-snow-sky in rapid succession. Fortunately nothing broken but my pride!

    [Reply]

  61. I told the story of slipping on ice at whattaburger a few weeks ago. The arm is getting better but is probably still only about 52%. I’m pretty sure I blasted the rotator cuff.

    And sometimes I love my job. I got to write this earlier:
    CORROSION ON BUTT STRAP

    [Reply]

  62. t-storm, when we used to go to Lake Texoma to camp/fish every year a guy used to say you have to go to whataburger. With his “accent” it sounded like waterburger. I didn’t think that sounded appealing. We finally did go there and the food was pretty good. We still call it waterburger!

    [Reply]

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So, who is this guy?

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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