Site Maintenance, People Who Say Hose House, etc.
I had some work done to the website this weekend, and I’m pretty excited by the results. For one thing, check out how fast it now loads. Is that quick, or what? I love it.
I’d been using a program to serve and rotate ads, and it just stopped working one day. I have no idea why. It’s a well-known program, used by many thousands of websites, but it fully and completely shit the credenza on me.
I went to the control panel, to see if I could figure out the problem, and all my history was gone. It looked like a brand new account; everything had been taken back to the factory settings. The adzones were gone, and everything. WTS?
And when this happened, the Surf Report slowed waaaay down. The sidebar would appear ten seconds after the rest of the site, and it seemed to be laboring and groaning every time. And man, that bothered me with gusto.
Plus, there were all these empty spaces where ads used to be. TheWVSR was becoming like one of those houses where they never mow the grass, or fix the shutter that’s been hanging sideways for the past three months.
But all the bad code is now removed, and I’m using a simpler program built especially for WordPress to do the same things the fancy-ass “solution” used to do. And the site is now lightning fast. I’m almost giddy with excitement.
I also had a bunch of stuff removed from the sidebar, added a Facebook widget, and reorganized the footer. That section down there labeled “friends”? I’m gonna list your websites there, as soon as I get a chance. I’ll start working on it, ASAP.
I’m never completely satisfied with the site, but right now I’m close. I think it looks and functions better than ever. If you need some work done to your blog, I can recommend a guy. Send me an email and I’ll hook you up.
Our boy made it back from Maine in one piece. He had a good time, but I’m glad he’s home. The family calibration was way off, and we were wobbling and struggling. I have a feeling I’m going to have a big problem when he and his brother go off to college. I don’t much care for the wobbling and struggling.
On Saturday we bought the latest season of Curb Your Enthusiasm on DVD, enjoyed a few Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPAs, and watched the first five episodes. Five, in one sitting, and I was lobbying hard for a sixth.
Second-hand semen… Denise handicap… Larry racing home to break up with his girlfriend before she receives her cancer diagnosis, because doing it after would be cruel… What a great show! Larry David is a genius.
Amazon sent me a $5 gift certificate as a thank-you for purchasing a subscription to Esquire magazine. The mag cost $8.00 for two years(!), and they sent $5.00 back to me. I used it to download the album now playing in the bunker. Not bad.
While I was in the library on Friday I heard a man refer to the fire department as the “hose house.” I almost did a spit-take. I’ve heard it referred to as a “hose company,” which is also ridiculous. But never a “hose house.” Sounds like a gay bordello.
And a woman at work calls a pad of Post-It Notes, a “notebook.” She says, “Can you hand me that notebook?” and my whole body goes rigid, because I know she’s not really talking about a notebook. What the hell? It’s Post-It Notes! Everybody knows this.
Also, I recently saw an episode of House Hunters that featured a full-flower douchebag going on and on about wanting a home with a nice “men’s den.” WTF? I’d never heard that phrase before, and don’t care for it. The men’s den, the hose house… what’s going on here??
And that leads me to the Question of the Day. In the comments section, please tell us about weird phrases you’ve heard people use, to describe common things. Like “lettuce salad,” for instance.
I’m not talking about words being pronounced the wrong way, or things like that. I mean unusual titles and descriptors that momentarily confuse you. Possibly because of regional differences, but not necessarily. I hope I’ve described it well enough…
And that’s going to do it for today, boys and girls. I’ll be back tomorrow with more of this high literature.
See you then.
Now playing in the bunker
Filed under: Daily
Jeff,
Nice job on the site. Quick load….
jtb
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Where I work, they call Post-It notes “stickies”, and they still call photocopying “xeroxing”.
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The page definitely loaded faster than usual.
Some gals that hub used to work with would stop by his office from time to time and ask to borrow an ink-pen. He never asked them what other types there were. I guess there’s an epi-pen.
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I’m very glad the Top Commentators list (or whatever it was called) is gone.
The entire state of Ohio calls the Toss Across game “Cornhole”, which was confusing on many levels.
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The comment went through faster as well.
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Nice job with the speed!
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Back with a full report later, but I saw a hundred or so meteors from my viewing spot on the Straits of Juan de Fuca. I don’t have a lot of confidence in the efficacy of this practice, but after the first one fell, I wished for good health and prosperity for Jeff and all the Reporters. So look for those lottery numbers to come up.
jtb
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Can one of you Americans tell me why you call it “Tuna-fish”? I think the “fish” is redundant.
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My mother used to never call ‘laundry’ laundry. Instead, she’d say the darndest things like ‘go put that in the light’s wash’, or ‘is the colored wash done?’
We’d all scratch our heads until we got the idea to pick on her and her Missouri ways until finally she now says ‘laundry’.
Of course her other quirks are firmly in place, like ‘Beg’ for bag & ‘Tresh’ for trash.
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I don’t know of too many strange names for common things. What gets my blood boiling is general use words for specific items..
A pickup truck is not a “car”.
Tissue is not thin paper you put in a gift bag.
Too many people call food that is actually “Creole” “Cajun”. What a bunch of yankee nuts.
Peopole tend to call the United States governmental style a democracy, that is not accurate.
I also had an aunt once who called any type of book, magazine or newpaper with at paperback cover a “catalog”. She would call Newsweek a catalog.
People call bass guitars “bass guitars” but only call treble guitars “guitars”. They are the same thing and are only differentiated by there tonal register; or some such nonsense.
And speaking of guitars, I call “slap” style bass playing “slap & pop”. It is more accurate of a description of what is going on that way.
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My wife and her family say “tin foil.” Foil hasn’t been made out of tin since before the war.
This weekend my Mom called a shopping cart a “buggy.” She also calls a buffet/all-you-can-eat a “smorgasboard.”
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What about a piccolo bass made famous by Mr. Stanley Clarke? Huh? What about that?
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For some reason I have never figured out my family called bell peppers ‘mangos’. Yeah, me neither.
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Chuck: http://www.waywordradio.org/when-is-a-bell-pepper-a-mango-minicast/
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Gretchen: Everyone here in PGH calls it “cornhole” too. Never heard of it before. The first time I heard “they’re bringing their cornhole game to the picnic”…or whatever…I just stood there blinking.
jtb: Thanks for the good wishes. I’m sure we can all use a few.
In PGH, I hear foil called “tin-foil”. “Red-up” as in cleaning…”I’m going to red-up the house today”. “Slippy” instead of slippery. “Gumband” as in rubberbands. I know there’s more. Pittsburgh is the worst for language, and d’at there.
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I’ve heard a lady refer to Bubble gum as “popping gum” and instead of “taking the garbage out” she asked my cousin to “toss the trash”.
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I do, on occasion, lapse into calling aluminum foil “tin foil”. I think it’s a carry over from the old timey speech my elderly parents have from their days growing up in Pottsville, home of the Golden Elixir. Oh, I had to relearn plenty of words and phrases thanks to them. For instance, I forced myself to say “vacuum” instead of “sweeper” and “brush my teeth” instead of “scrub my teeth”.
Bikerchick: “Cornhole” is in Pittsburgh too? Ugh. My favorite is when it’s used as a verb. “We’re going cornholing!” Sounds so dirty.
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My husband calls gift cards, “coupons”, and it makes me *blinkity blink blink* every time.
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@johnthebasket – Heh. Quick load – just like me and yer mom!
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I’m just caught up on reading the last 4-5 reports and wanted to add that it would make the driving trip interesting if Mel Gibson would scream out the GPS directions and threaten to put me in the rose garden if I missed the turn. I know his phone msgs are disturbing but they kind of make me laugh. He’s ridiculous.
Some happy news: My friend just bought us tickets to see David Sedaris in Charleston, WV, in Oct. Can’t wait!
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Wheat toast? ok so what’s white bread made from if not wheat too? I call “wheat toast” toasted brown bread. Or toasted whole wheat.
She who must be feared and obeyed call ground beef “hamburger meat”.
In Quebec, Egg nog becomes Lait du Poulet…yes, chicken milk. I asked a Quebecois why Chicken Milk? He said “why Nog, tabernac?”
And where as y’all (all y’all – plural) say Angelina Jolie… I say simply amazing.
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Mr.Man has a pet peeve about people calling a utility pole a “telephone pole”. After all…most of those poles carry more than one utility.
In northern Maine they call a driveway or front yard a “dooryard.” I still call it that.
Jeezum Crow I hate Mondays….
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Gretchen – I’m speechless.
And why anyone would name a game after something that happens in PMITA prison is beyond me.
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i used to work with a lady who said “hamburger meat”
doesn’t the fact that you are talking about hamburger kind of lead one to believe it is meat to which you are referring?
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I say tinfoil (all one word).
People round these here parts call a loaf of bread a ‘half loaf’. We call groceries ‘messages’.
Nice album Jeff. ‘Tender’ is my fave song by Blur.
Check out Gorillaz – Plastic Beach. Its class.
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The WVSR Classic today is a true classic!
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Nice one Jeff. Faster than a red hot poker up a perverts arse!
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I can’t seem to stop myself from saying “hot water heater”.
It’s especially distracting during the act of love-making.
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Good job on the website fix. I guess no one else had the issue I did–I’d be typing along in this little comments block and the page would jump back to the top–make me say WTF???
I probably should avoid the language issue since I from the bad grammar belt; however, I will say that the husband rolls his eyes EVERY time I say on accident. I do the same except I add bring me the scissors when he says cut the lights (or the radio or the TV or the car) off.
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A neighbour refers to breakfast cereal as cereals. I think this is due to there being more than one cornflake in the bowl.
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Sprite coke.
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Gretchen: The best was the bar we frequent had a “Cornhole Tournament”. Did know if it was good or bad to be the winner of that one.
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Did you only win it once?
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Did you only enter it once?!
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Here in the ‘burbs of West Virginia’s largest city, the interrogative “Do What?’ actually means “What did you just say?”
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Bikerchick: LOL! No one’s a winner when they play Cornhole.
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I hear people say “close the lights” instead of “shut the fucking lights off.”
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Instead of “ex-wife”, I often refer to her as “stupid psycho bitch from hell”…
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I have a feeling if you are the winner of a Cornhole Tourney, this ain’t your first rodeo, honey. The judge has some tough decisions, I tell ya.
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Northern Panhandle of WV relatives call a 2 Liter Bottle of Coke a “boss”. “Stop down at Krogers and pick up a couple of Bosses of Coke.”
Also, any stream or creek is a “crick.” A crick is any flowing water smaller than the Ohio River.
They also call an ambulance an ” E-Car” Shorthand for Emergency Car.
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i only started hearing this when i moved to PA, almost everyone here calls vacuum cleaners “sweepers” like what the hell? you sweep the floor with a broom, and u vacuum with a vacuum cleaner. there are a lot of strange words here in PA, but i guess its more a shock since i moved to PA from NY. biiiig difference.
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Ron Carter…acousitc piccolo bass inventor and built by “The Fiddle Shop” in Cincinnati I believe.
“Fucking whore” seems redundant…dunno?
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Piccolo bass can refer to two string instruments, the acoustic piccolo bass and the electric piccolo bass.
Carl Thompson and Stanley Clarke collaborated on the electric piccolo bass and Ron Carter invented the first upright piccolo bass.
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My brother lived in Mississippi and Louisiana for a number of years. When he came home to visit, there was a significant learning curve:
Poke=bag or sack
Tote=take (“tote me over to the store”)
Co-cola=ANY soft drink (“Gimme a Pepsi Co-cola”)
Haint=ghost
I’m thinkin’–”Geez, take English as a Second Language”, or something…
My son used to call going #2 “Splunk” (probably because of the sound it made!) When we finally figured out what he was talking about, we almost busted a gut laughing.
And yes, I’ve caught myself saying ‘tinfoil’, ‘ice box’ (or ‘Frigidaire’) and ‘telephone poles.’ We played cornhole before there was such a thing. We called it “bean-bag toss.” Real original, I know. But at least I don’t say ‘warsh’ instead of ‘wash’–I’m not a total hick!
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@doug – I dated a guy who called his ex-wife “The Plaintiff”
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We interrupt the regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you breaking news: West Virginia is the most medicated state in the Union.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38727236/ns/business-forbescom/
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When people ask me if I got a haircut…I say…”No, I got ‘em all cut.”
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Doug and Madz…. my family calls “She who must be feared and obeyed” my first wife. it doesn’t go over so well with her.
Between my two brothers there have been 5 wives and 2 significant common law wives… They’ve both been married longer than I have (24 yrs)…. just not to the same bride.
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In the midwest, there is a cut of meat called “New York Stripsteak.”
No such steak in New York.
Also, “soda” is called “pop” here.
If you ask for soda in Chicago, they bring you seltzer water.
Wierd..
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I just read the link to which Gretchen alerted us, and couldn’t help but notice an alraming statistic:
” In addition the CDC reports that 229,400 per 100,000 deaths in West Virginia were the result of heart disease, well above the national average of 190,000. ”
229,400 / 100,000 = 2.29
What this statement essentially boils down to is that everyone in WV dies of heart disease (that would make be about 100,000 / 100,000; or 1 / 1). Moreover, the WV folks dying of heart disease are taking an average of 1.29 additional people to the grave with them (1 + 1.29 = 2.29). This is well above the national average of taking .90 additional people to the grave when you die. Statistics don’t lie, folks!
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My MA cousins called soda “tonic”.
My NJ BIL calls hamburger “chopped meat”.
That one really irritates me! I don’t know why….maybe because he’s a moron??lol
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@Root 66
People in Glasgow call small paper bags ‘poke’ eg.
‘Go an’ gees a wee poke o’ jelly babies please mister.’
Vacuum cleaners are still generically called ‘Hoovers’.
(in the same way as all mp3 players are being referred to as iPods, even when they’re not!)
We also call earwigs ‘forkie tailies’, due to their forked tails.
‘PIN number’ irritates me a bit.
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Well as much as I hate to admit this…
I say ‘hand me the scissor.’ It drives my traffic sergeant insane…and then he’ll tease me incessantly. And the town where I came from…there were a bunch of girls who would say, “Youse guys” and “seen” instead of ‘saw’. I’d hear them say, “I seen youse guys as the movies.” Drove me batty! Is ‘drove me batty’ one?
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@ Uncle Wedgie, I saw your comment from the previous post…I’m going to see Primus in October…for some reason the tickets aren’t on sale yet for the Chicago show though, but the shows after it are. Care to give me a few of the songs he played? I saw him a few years ago and heard the most bad ass version of Jerry was a racecar driver ever. I’m hoping very much to hear Mr. Krinkle…
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Also…in midwestern(northern)Illinois, if you ask for soda they will clarify by asking you “Do you mean pop”?? um, yep sure do.
Also…while in Ga they would say rasslin for Wrestling…I remember my yankee self all lost and confused as a woman regaled us with “last night we was rasslin…etc etc. I had no clue. took me a few minutes.
I say fuck em if they can’t take a joke. sorry. that just popped in there. Also..I say Come with…and Go with..and just leave it at that. That will be my entire sentence. I think that is native to this here region though.
Here is hoping the rest of this week is better than today. Monday can kiss my white arse.
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Just remembered this sick one.
Long time ago girlfriend used to refer to male ejaculation as murp.
I feel like this should be a Jason post.
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What the hell happened to Hydrox cookies?
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The Midwest…indeed.
Casserole = “hotdish”
Lollipop = “sucker”
Soda = “pop”
ANY kind of tissue is a “Kleenex” (For fucks sake…it says Puffs Plus right on the side of the box).
They pluralize GUYS. That’s right…it’s “guyses” As in, at a restaurant, a server asks “Can I get you guyses anything else”? Happens ALL the time.
Bag, nag, tag, sag, wag…you get the idea…add an “I” before that letter “g”…everytime. (baig, naig, taig, saig, waig). Nice.
There are many more, but my brain is fried. Like an egg. (Or, aig, as they say here).
Gee whiz.
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Oh! I forgot oneof the most cringe inducing ones of all! I grew up in New York where they called gym “physical education”. Here in the midwest, it is abbreviated as “phys-ed”. Which would be fine.If EVERYONE in Minnesota didn’t say “Fi-ed”. Huh? Shouldn’t it be “fizz-ed”?
Dumbasses.
Yep. I’m in quite the mood today, folks. No sleep and puking makes for a glum girl.
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The site is indeed now loading in smooth as butter.
Larry David is great – the last season was an awesome batch of shows. Every season is an awesome batch of shows. How does he do it?
He’s one of my heros.
I live in the south. A guy from the north was making fun of how we all say “redlight” instead of “traffic light”. He was giving someone directions over the phone and he said “…then take a right at the redlight. Now, it could be green, or it could be yellow, but still take a right”.
The cornhole game still makes me laugh. What was once one of the most vulgar of terms is now used by kids and church-members with (possibly) no idea of what they are saying. I’m going to have a t-shirt made that says “I’m a Crack Cornholer!”
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Ed, you could also put “Toss it” on the shirt for extra flair.
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The last time I was in Cincy…two months ago…it was full blown cornhole season. Tournments and everything. The Kroger had t-shirts such as…”I’m a Cornholer” and “Cornholing is Fun” and “My Family Cornholes.” Weird shit. None of that existed when I grew up there. Sweet Sainted Mother of Sodomia…what the hell?
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In my town, there are a couple of “intellectually challenged” brothers who walked the streets every day. There was a time, about 20 years ago, when they slept in the post office on cold nights. (Don’t know why they slept there, they had an apartment.) I would wake up early on Saturday mornings and go the post office at about 6:30 to pay bills. They were always there, and would yell, “Cornhole, cornhole”. It was always just them and me in the post office. Back then, the game didn’t exist., so I knew what they were referring to. I don’t think they ever took a bath in their entire lives. Always dressed exactly alike, thanks to the Salvation Army. Everyone thought they were twins, but there was a few years difference between their ages. They were about 65 or 70 at the time. They’re still around, walking the streets, but last year, one got hit by a car, so now, the other brother has to push his brother around town in a wheelchair. Obviously, cornhole played a significant role in their lives, and there were no beanbags involved.
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Chuck from Belpre should be familiar with these two.
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Yep I just saw them today up Grand Central. Frick and Frack. Back during my Woodstock days they would hang around in City Park. One day one of them said something that cracked us all up. ‘I like that beer…comes in cans.’ They seemed old back about ’70 or so. Have no idea how old they are.
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The Becker Brothers! They used to have an apartment on Market Street, in one of those houses at about the 10 hundred block. Kind of across from the K of C building, now, beside the Jan Dils building. Don’t know where they live now. They must be really old, but they’re still operating.
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@ Ian – ATM machine, too. WTH?
And, another one…Minnesotans call shopping carts “buggies” or “trollies”.
What is WRONG with these people???
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dto: Yeah, Cincy seems to be ground zero for cornhole. I think they’re on the verge of petitioning the Olympic committee to make it an Olympic sport. Which would make it the second Olympic sport People of Size could participate in. Anyway, Cincy is where I first encountered the game. My husband, Ohio born and raised, insists that the fine art of Cornholing is different from the lesser “Toss Across” in that there are two boxes to huck your beanbag into as opposed to just one. Which doesn’t in any way lessen the fact that the game sounds like an activity option on the Butt Pirate Cruise Line.
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I’ve been here exactly six months as of today, and I still giggle & think of Beavis when I see a sign for cornhole…..
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I’m an American and I don’t call it “tuna fish” – I call it “tuna”. My friend who is from Scotland call it “chuna”.
A pickup truck *is* a car, the way most people use it: going to work, grocery-getting and kid-fetching. To my mind, a truck is a vehicle that works for a living: it doesn’t cost money, it makes money. Also – if you routinely drive on a road that is posted “no trucks” and still never get a ticket, then you are not driving a truck.
The only language-ism I can come up with is that someone I know calls a pad of paper a “tablet”. This is actually technically correct, but the word makes me think of a pill.
.
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@Greg – “10 hundred block”?! That’s one on me, and maybe it’s just me but there’s never been a 10 hundred in my world.
Counting… 7 hundred, 8 hundred, 9 hundred, ONE THOUSAND…
Of course 11 hundred, 12 hundred, etc sounds perfectly normal to me so perhaps my comfort in breaking the hundred sequence makes me the freak.
@Madz1962 – Ex-wife = The Plaintiff? So obvious yet fucking brilliant! That’s going into to everyday use starting tomorrow, and I’ll think of you fondly each time I use it.
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This will flip the collective lid, here in Milwaukee is the only place we call “pop” soda, or if you are older “soda water”.
Water fountain= Bubbler
Even the police dispatchers here use the “10 hundred Block”, or 11 hundred block of somewhere to give the cops directions.
Cornholing is still a bar sport around here with a large area and a huge board two throw at. Though the difference here is the bean bags are shaped oblong, like an ear of corn, so you have to chuck it right, if it hits the board sideways and doesn’t go in, no point for you.
Also Potatuh, and tomatuh, and close the lights.
Love ya, Aqua
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Two best spouse/x-spouse names today: Plaintiff, traffic sergeant .
Stephanie…
Why you puke and no sleep when you no drink spirits? If you are unwell, I will bring you the milk of the chicken. Bedside service is what I provide.
.
Madz1962…
I believe “toss the trash” is a polite verbal replacement for male masturbation. Of course, the allegory doesn’t quite work for the female act, so it would only be appropriate for a male cousin, and English doesn’t distinguish between male and female cousins (as opposed to, say, aunt and uncle). On the other hand, if I were to tell one of my x-offenders to “toss the trash” instead of staying over, she’d know what I was talking about. Not like any of them were considering staying over.
.
Just in general, regional differences in syntax, usage, grammar, and pronunciation make us a richer, more interesting people. None of the examples above bothers me, although the cornhole thing blows my mind a ittle. But, as always, our diversity makes us aggregately stronger.
jtb
OB12
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I refer to my ex as the ex-box.
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Those Canadians always get me when they say “aboot”. Apparantly they can’t say “about”.
And the whole billion thing – gets me pissed every time someone mentions billion. What comes after 999 Million? A thousand million. Next is ten thousand million, followed by 100 thousand million. Then finally you get to a billion. So no, there really are no billionaires.
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Jeff,
I sent my smokin’ fish sighting…is the email jeff@thewvsr.com still?
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Those Americans always get me when they say “about”. Apparently they can’t say “aboot”….or roofs (“ruves”)…or “foyays” (foyers)… or “roots” as in routes (“ruuts”)… or ” ” (sorry) …
JTB – you wished good fortune on the reporters based on “star bright….”. I have something in the works that came out of the blue. If it comes to fruition, a thousand blessings upon you and your family for your kind and generous (though somewhat generic and omnidirectional) thoughts.
hey I know someone asked but I don’t remember an answer…. “OB12″?
Vicki I had the same problem with the jumping around. Coming from and IT background I assumed it was just user error.
Time for a nap.
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my dad calls bars “gin mills”
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I really need to learn how to proof read…’hey” s/b “Hey” and “from and IT” s/b “from an IT”
I apologize for nothing.
Gretchen, except for the smoking I’ve pretty much got the WV being the most prescribed thing down cold – Diabesity (diabetes as a result of being overweight) and the first of the tri-fecta (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol). If my doctor was in the States where I (or my health plan had to pay him) he could have retired by now.
Oh and almost forgot, mental health issues!!! I highly recommend Cymbalta. No side effects except a month of being drowsy every late afternoon. Unlike Paxil, I don’t have to whip myself in to a frenzy to “pull the tigger” and again unlike Paxil when I do “pull the trigger” it feels better than how I described it to my doctor …. “sorta like just grey…like nothing…like not even a shiver or a twitch”…
TMI?
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madZ1962- i also dated a guy who referred to his ex as the plaintiff- his name wasn’t Brian was it??
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Putting the word “man” in front of otherwise innoceent words makes them sound gay to me. For example: man cave, man door, man bag, man sucking dick, and so on.
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@chill
In Glasgow its ‘Chuna Fash’. I kid you not!
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My brother calls taking a shit, “growing a monkey tail.” When I call someone’s office and they ask me, “Who are you with?” I say, “I’m by myself right now.”
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“When’s your birthday?’
“April 29th”
“What year?”
“Every year…”
My girlfriend says “I love you”
My mistress says “I need you”
My wife says “beige, I think we should paint the ceiling beige”
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I know you said you didn’t mean the mispronuciation of words and all but when someone says “sammich or sammys, in place of sandwhich, it bugs the @#$! out of me. I don’t know why but it does.
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Hot Fuzz: To offset the negativity of yesterday’s “West Virginians, By God, Are All Doomed” article, I give you the yang to its ying:
http://junkfoodscience.blogspot.com/
Unfortunately the blog seems to have gone off the rails last fall. Perhaps the author was crushed under a two ton slab of tofu (sorry, Bloom County reference) or something.
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We’re only doomed if we don’t heed the warnings I guess. I told a former boss that diabetes is the leading cause of non accidental amputations. And, that I could get off all my meds if I got my ass off the couch. He looked at me and said “so…. what are you going to do with this information?”… Honestly, not too much… I’m doomed!!!
I’ve always eaten more smartly than stupidly but the portion size was the killer. (bad choice of euphemism there probably). The only thing I still don’t do well is veggies – no appeal (no matter how much cheese sauce
) And… some exercise wouldn’t hurt…
But – on the plus side, I’ve been dropping a pound or so a week over the last few months by eating smaller quantities. I’m down 15 pounds and have I figure about 25 more to go until my BMI says I’m merely overweight rather than obese.
I think I’ll have some lettuce, celery and water for lunch today. With a side order of wings, fries and cheesecake for dessert!
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I know Jeff said no mispronunciations, but I hate when people put the letter ‘R’ in a word that does not have an R.
like…warsh…IT’S WASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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@Tilly, no his name was Tim
@Craigbob – I’m flattered you’ll think of me whilst using the term “The Plaiintiff” LOL
@jtb – the woman who used the term “toss the trash” didn’t mean anything more than taking out the trash! I’m sure she’d get a huge kick out of the other interpretation of the phrase!
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@ jtb
Drink spirits? Like CASPER, you mean? Whew. No…I didn’t do that.
Would appreciate your bedside service though (and even milk of the chicken)…indeed.
Should have *drank* the murp, instead. (Thanks, hardoxdan). With my no gag reflex and all, it would have been a wiser choice.
Definitely turning into a Jason post.
.
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My fiance’s family is all from South Philly, and they say some of the most awesome things. Some of my favorites:
can you louder it? = can you turn up the volume?
Is it lighty out? = is the sun still out?
gravy = tomato sauce
ram = tantarum (ie throwing a ram)
Sometimes I think I need a Philadelphia/English dictionary!
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OK, I need a little help from my fellow surf reporters. This assignment is right up your alley (here come the cornhole jokes)!
A recently divorced female friend has posted several pictures of herself on facebook. She is sitting proudly on the grass with her pet cat resting in her lap. She keeps bugging me about the pictures – what do I think? I simply can’t think of any response that doesn’t involve a pussy reference, so I’m going for broke here. What’s the crudest thing I can say?
I knew I could cound on you all!
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Hot Fuzz: Congrats on the 15 lbs. weight loss! It’s all about portion control, sugar cutback, and exercise, unfortunately. I have a BMI of 22-23, which is on the upper limit of “normal”. Could stand to drop five pounds still. Got portion control down. Exercise is difficult because of a medical condition, but I’ve been pretty good about getting in a 2 miles walk just about every night all summer. Sugar, particularly front-loaded in a chocolate delivery system, is my bugaboo. It’s also fucking up my teeth (I might be getting a root canal this week or next, Lord help me!). May I suggest a marathon watching of one of those obesity shows? That never fails to get me off the couch and moving.
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@Madz1962
I thought that was “tossing the salad”.
I’m confused.
Oh, and about that trash thing…I have this big old house in a Victorian town in New Jersey. Well, there is this one young and beautiful woman who lives there, and she is out of her friggin’ mind. She keeps this “perfect” house and garden, has a gorgeous husband, and three beautiful daughters. And…
She INSISTS on dressing them all alike!!! Yes, they all match, all the time. (You should see his suspenders and bowties at Christmas…matches the little girls dresses!) She thinks she LIVES in Victorian times with the way she talks (more on this in a moment).This poor guy is a police officer, and works TWO other jobs besides, because the plaintiff-to-be is VERY high maintenance, (best of everything and high cost name brand clothing only…for her, and the girls). and she cannot get a job for fear of breaking a sweat (or a fingernail). Yes, her girls are all in school full time, too. No excuses.
Anyway, she doesn’t say trash. She says “refuse” (reh-fyoose). When she meets someone who has a kid, she asks “Any others, have ye?” If one of her perfect girls “speaks out of turn”, she tells them, in her sweetsy cutesy voice to “please, hold thy tongue”.
Not. Joking.
And no, she is NOT a Quaker. Pilgrim. Or Puritan.
Oh, there is so much more, but just thinking about her makes me want to spit…
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Melissa – we talked awhile ago about brotherly politics – my aMERican brother came to visit again and set a new record from in the door to Obama bashing Fox-Teaparty-Hannity style. He was Glenn Becking 9 minutes inside the door. The bleeding from biting my tongue just stopped now…
Stephanie – you got a purdy mouth…
JTB, Stephanie and Madz… Will & Grace episode (yeah, what of it.. it’s funny) where Will was going to provide a sperm donation? Nurse: “just put your junk in the cup”…
Junk? Trash? Murp? Why so little respect for our little man swimmers? I propose more exalted terms be developed: Man Elixir
Grand Growth Fluid
Royal Seed
Lofty Lotion
I might need some help with this…
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@ hot fuzz
Sorry! I meant nothing mean or derogatory…I *LOVE* man swimmers. And, they are so tasty, too.
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Dave’s not here, man,
Go with the old Johnny Carson joke: “I’d like to pussy but you’ll have to move your cat first.”
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Gretchen – thanks my sister from another mister. What’s the old saying “show me a fat dog and I’ll show you a fat owner”… The scheisse hunds (Schnauzers) ARE getting a little tubby …
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AGGGHHH!!!
@ Daves not here, man…just reminded me of ANOTHER euphemism.
I heard a mom in a dressing room, at the mall, call her daughter’s private parts her “kitty”.
I threw up in my mouth a little.
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A two miles walk? MILE.
Anyway, Stephanie, sounds like you have a Nancy on your hands.
Which reminds me, I was in Home Depot the other day and there was a couple in there dressed to the nines in Renaissance wear. They were all like, “Prithee forsooth, where-eth be-eth thee drywall-eth?” and such. As Jeff says, a grand gang of doucheketeers. I don’t know if they were just like that “normally” or if it was some sort of Ren Faire hazing.
Hot Fuzz: Go walk the shit hounds!
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Stephanie – where’s Jimmy Kuhn when we need him?
Actually ever since that life threatening surgery to block off the plumbing, I’m firing blanks. You should conduct some research to determine if there is a taste difference. Right now I’m a Sunkist. All juice and no seeds.
Dave’s not here – tough one without the reference because you lose all the “that pussy looks a little mangy or flea infested” jokes. Not crude but mean might be something simply like “nice cat”. Or, “grass looks nice; Scott’s turf builder?” Or, “reminds me, I need to mow.”
Oh wait. Maybe that’s it!!! Ignore the cat (the obvious) and go for something like “nice patch” or “nice turf”… I wouldn’t mind being on that patch (or turf).?” Or one I do that’s sorta vague and an inside joke “wow, you changed your hair, do you like it?” which is the inside joke version of “why the fuck did you do that to your head?”
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I’d like to PET your pussy but you’ll have to move your cat first. Sorry.
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Jason – funny typo that turned it in to a verb.
Made me laugh because it reminded me of a line from a Ben Stiller movie – Heart Break Kid where his dad (real life dad who is far more talented) says to him:
“Now listen to me and listen to me good! When your wife, on her honeymoon, asks you to cock her, you cock her good, God damn it! “
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You might ask her…”Which one of you has made the most bad decisions?” She most likely will anwser…”Me, definitely.” Just smile, nod and walk away.
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@hotfuzz – brilliant! I hadn’t thought of the turf reference, I’m using that!!!
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That’s the beauty of being a volume dealer when it comes to comments. Make enough and one of them should be funny… eventually….statistically speaking…in theory…sigh…
heh – I said comes
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I didn’t know we were going that route. I thought you said “crass” and I’m the king of “crass” (in fact I’m feeling picked on in this thread).
She obviously wants attention, so why not do the opposite? Say something like, “Hey Sara, I just can’t bring myself to try breakfast at Subway. Doesn’t seem right. What about you?”
And she’ll say something like, “I didn’t know Subway made breakfast. What do you think of my pictures!!!!?”
And you’ll say, “Oh. Sorry. Haven’t had time to look at them. Prolly won’t for a while.”
That’ll make her crazy. And she’ll either shoot you in your sleep or fuck your brains out.
We’d like the benifit of seeing her photos. That would make things a lot easier.
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Shart. That one momentarily confuzed me. As in “I nearly sharted in my pants………….”
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I’ve always been confused about phrases like “big penis” and “painful urination”.
On a more serious note “dirty whore” seems redundant.
And to be slightly topical, 3 days later in the comments (I’ve been in Cincy not getting shit done) when they say the combat troops are leaving Iraq, what are we leaving behind? Accountants and florists?
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My favorite is the Kentucky phrase, “ink pen” – as opposed to what? Pen of blood? Water pen? Pig pen?
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My father-in-law call cereal “breakfast food” and it drives me bonkers. Isn’t any food you eat for breakfast basically breakfast food? What are you having for breakfast? Oh, just breakfast food.
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