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Service animals, outdated phrases, and dreams of solitude

March 24, 2009 By Jeff 91 Comments

bytheseaOver the weekend Toney and I noticed several seeing eye dogs inside stores.  Well, that’s probably not what they’re called anymore…  What is it now, service animals?  In any case, we happened upon an inordinate number of them.

But I don’t think they’re just for the blind anymore.  Is that correct?  One of the people we saw was hanging out in the magazine section of Target, tethered to a spaniel wearing saddlebags.  She wasn’t blind, she was reading Vanity Fair.

So, what the hell?  What do you guys know about this?  What do they have dogs doing nowadays?  I’m behind the times on this deal.

And have you also noticed an uptick in the number of these so-called service animals?  In the old days entire years might go by without us seeing one, and now they’re all over the place.

Speaking of outdated phraseology, there’s a woman I, um, come in contact with on a regular basis (purposely vague), who talks about “colored people,” and “Orientals,” and a whole host of words dating to the Johnson Administration.  And she’s younger than I am.

For some reason I find this to be hilarious, and have to hide my amusement from her.  She’s not meaning to be offensive, she’s just stuck on old terms.

She also says, “Oh, don’t go there!” which is probably the freshest and hippest phrase in her arsenal.  I have a feeling she picked it up from Oprah, but I could be way off on it.

Do you know anyone like this?  A person who talks about the “crippled,” and epileptics having “fits,” and the “Chinaman” who runs the dollar store?  If so, we need to hear about it.

And why do I find it so amusing?

I don’t mention it very often, but I spend most Fridays at the library working on my “book.”  I still have an agreement with a literary agent, who wants me to deliver a full manuscript.  In the early days we batted ideas back and forth, but now that we’ve settled on an idea, the ball is in my court.  Which isn’t nearly as much fun…

I’ve got a lot of it written, but am feeling an urge to turn up the heat a bit.  It seems to be dragging at this point.  I’d like to go somewhere for a few days, with my laptop, and write uninterrupted for ten or twelve hours per day.

Nostrils talked about this recently.  He is, of course, writing his “pirate novel,” and was toying with the idea of renting a cottage by the sea for a week.  Not at the beach, but by the sea.  Wotta douche.

When he was discussing it, he hadn’t written a single word.  But he believed he could knock out the first draft of an entire 400 page novel in a week.  You know, under the right circumstances.  Hilarious.

It’s a little disturbing to have similar thoughts as Nostrildamus.  But I’d feel a lot better if I had another ten thousand words in the can, and I think that’s doable in a week or so.  I don’t need to book a week at a bed and breakfast overlooking the Mediterranean, or anything like that, I’d just need some peace and quiet.

Toney brought up my parents’ house.  They spend winters in Florida, and won’t be returning to West Virginia until late April.  So, I could theoretically go there and be undisturbed.  And check this out:  their cable is turned off, they have no internet, and the phone is disconnected.

Sounds perfect, huh?  There would be no distractions whatsoever.  None.

For an hour or so I considered it, but it doesn’t really make sense.  It would require a full day’s drive each way, and that’s just a huge waste of time.  If they lived closer I’d probably give it a shot, but their house is more than 500 miles from here.

I think it would be especially interesting to see how I would respond to no TV and no internet.  I think I could handle the former, but the latter would be very difficult.  I’d probably start having “fits.”

Have you ever been cut off from all media for extended periods?  How did you cope?  It sounds like it would be cathartic, but I bet reality wouldn’t be quite so sweet.  Tell us about your experiences on this subject.

Also, if you were forced to give up TV or the internet, which would you choose?  I’d have no trouble with that one, since I watch very little television, but what about you?

And I need to iron a shirt now, and get my big riffled ass out of here.

Have a great day, my friends.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. cara says

    March 24, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    first>?

    Reply
  2. cara says

    March 24, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    yeah baby!

    Reply
  3. cc says

    March 24, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    oh my…

    Reply
  4. Brooke says

    March 24, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    hot damn!

    Reply
  5. TM2 says

    March 24, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Hello??

    Reply
  6. Will says

    March 24, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    Book!

    Reply
  7. ashton says

    March 24, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    Top 10 x2!!

    Reply
  8. ashton says

    March 24, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    “Service dogs” can also encompass what are called “seizure dogs” – I encountered some this weekend as well. The “saddlebags” (this post has a lot of quotation marks) can hold medicine, directions, emergency hotline cellphone, etc.

    Reply
  9. Dogberryjr says

    March 24, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    TV vs. Internet? TV loses in a heartbeat. There’s little on anymore that I really want to watch. Back in my dressed in green days, we used to go for good stretches without any media, news or anything. The six day old Stars and Stripes that was unfortunate enough to make its way to us with chow would get devoured within minutes.

    Still waiting for that mechanic recommendation, Kanawhans.

    Reply
  10. Bob Dobbs says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    Eight!?

    Did it already – I’m internet only. Phuque TV!!!

    Reply
  11. airandee says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    My recession plan has me cancelling cable before cancelling the internet. The daily newspaper (except for Sunday) is ready to go any day now.

    Jeff, You can ‘write’ into a tape recorder as you drive to WV. Just like a busy Hollywood Executive. Do not forget a radio.

    Reply
  12. swoosh says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    Curses, a near miss…

    Reply
  13. WVULauren says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Jeff – Just saw this story about service animals this morning. I’m not sure it answers your questions, but it is definitely amusing.

    http://www.abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=7157206

    Reply
  14. Joe T. says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    Gimp…..someone with a really bad limp.

    “The boy who had fits fell down the steps. While he isn’t a total cripple, he’s a gimp.”

    Reply
  15. Peter says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    I go fishing in Canada for a week in May. No TV, no phone, no internet, no newspaper, no fish (oh, wait – that depends on where you fish) – seriously, my brother-in-law comes but has to make a 75 mile trip into town on Wednesday to get caught up on baseball scores. He now brings his XM Radio (great reception up there) so we do listen to some sports. The benefit to the rest of the group is that he brings back some ice cream ($9 per half-gallon). For that week, I don’t miss any of the connections to the “real” world.

    Reply
  16. LunaChickNYC says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    TV vs internet is easy because if you give up TV you can still watch your shows on the internet.

    As far as being without either? my computer completely died smoke and all on the 4th of July at like 8 pm I bought a new one July 5th at like 5 pm and while I was waiting I used my Wii to connect to the internet to stop the DT shakes thing I had going on

    Reply
  17. Gene Tracy says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    You never hear anyone refer to the male genitalia as a “peter” anymore either.

    Reply
  18. JCIII says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..

    I’ve always wanted a helper monkey. Not that I’m disabled in any way, I just think how cool it would be to have a little hominid at my beck and call…

    “Helper monkey, get me a beer!”
    “Helper monkey, bring in the mail”
    “Helper monkey, be a dear and let the dog out and feed the cats”

    Yeah, a helper monkey would be bad ass.

    On the topic of non politically correct vernacular and coloquilisms, my Grandma , rest her soul, was the champ.

    She always said Coloreds until one day when I asked her what color were they?
    She then accused me of “being smart” and then went off on a rant about the EYE-talians.

    Reply
  19. cc says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Give up TV or the internet? Add in no phone and it is the very definition of the perfect vacation. I have done this down in Tybee Island several times and it is wonderful. Just walks, reading, painting and big fat margaritas on the beach…or is it “by the sea”? Well, if you are making the drinks right it won’t matter.

    Reply
  20. Swami Bologna says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    I spent a week on a sailboat sailing the Florida Keys last fall, without any contact with the outside world at all. The World Series was going on, and my favorite team is the Phillies, and I didn’t even know who won the first two games until I got back home and watched ’em on my DVR (I purposely didn’t look at any newsstands in the airports on the flight back, so that I could re-live the games without knowing the outcome).

    But that week on the sailboat was with four other humans, and constantly doing stuff (i.e., sailing). A few years ago I spent a week all by myself in a cabin in the Adirondack mountains with no electricity. The first couple of days were great — I spent them reading books while sitting on a dock on a lake. But after two days I got very bored. Very, very bored. And spent the remaining days drinking about three or four bottles of wine a day, simply out of boredom. It was a refreshing break from life, but I was very glad to get back to civilization.

    The bottom line, I believe, is that a week with no contact with news / TV / Internet / etc. is great when you’re with other people and doing something fun and active. But when you’re spending it by yourself and doing nothing more than reading (or writing), the days can really drag.

    Reply
  21. HBIC says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    don’t have a home computer so giving up the ‘net would be very easy for me.

    i’ve been a week with nothing but a flashlight when our town got flooded out and we lost power and my cell phone died, i had no batteries for my radio and i had to take a “bath” in a bucket of freezing cold water, and a week on a cruise to the Caribbean with no cell phone service and no TV. aside from the “bath” situation, both times without all that technology was quite nice.

    Reply
  22. Trisha aka Mrs. Wally says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    There are now a lot of disabilities that can be aided by a service animal. Not to mention that people with mental issues can now claim to have a companion animal to avoid pet deposits for apartments and such. What a crock. But that is probably why you see more these days. More people are benefiting from them.

    I could not give up either. I would get a second job before I let that happen. Wally has gone long stretches without while wearing green as well. Couldn’t do it!

    Reply
  23. Greg says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    A seeing-eye horse in a grocery store….

    “Clean-up in isles 4, 5, and 6! Oh wait, and 7, too!”

    Reply
  24. Jerry in WV says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    I think you should come to Dunbar. Bill and I can bring over some liquid nourishment and while you are writing the 10k new words, we can read what you already have and give you our expert literary perspective!!!

    My mother is in her 80’s. She still uses the words colored, japs, hobo’s, etc… She also uses phrases from FDR’s first administration. She means no harm. She is just from a different era.

    Reply
  25. 2Tall says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    My sister-in-law refers to the gardeners as Mexies (she grew up in El Paso and thinks it’s perfectly acceptable). My mother-in-law just about had a “fit” when her daughter married a “Jewboy” (me). Then her granddaughter ups and marries a Jew doctor. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    Reply
  26. Carla says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    I’d lose the TV hands down. Don’t really get to see anything on there anyway.

    Theres a lady near the Ma’s house that has a service minature-pony. Cause isn’t that the first thing that pops into your mind when it comes to service animals??

    Just write something Jeff, get it published and then become famous so my husband will stop thinkin’ I have a thing for middle-aged northerners.
    Atleast then I can tell him “See, he’s an author.”

    My grandma says embarassing shit all the time, then blames it on “old timers”, I think she just doesn’t give a shit anymore.

    Reply
  27. TxTy says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    Today’s bunker cam reminds me of something George Carlin (rip) once said. “Have you ever noticed people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?”

    out, y’all

    Reply
  28. Malcolm says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    On my first trip to Japan I was watching only nonsensical Japanese TV for 10 straight days, pre-internet. Not even a glance at an English newspaper the whole time. Arrived in Hawaii to hear everyone talking about “that big hurricane that just hit North Carolina”. We turn on the TV news in the hotel to find out that the EYE of hurricane Fran had passed right over our house, with 125 mph winds in both directions. Rather than cut our 3 days in a resort on Maui short, we stayed off the grid for three more days. Came back to three missing roof shingles, all else fine (I had removed 6 trees from beside the house a year earlier). A coworker of mine had his house karate-chopped in half by a 150 year old oak tree, while he and his wife were in the basement bathroom under a mattress. They lived to get their photo in the paper the next day, standing on top of the tree that was on top of their suddenly deflated house.

    I still call mentally disabled people retards, but not to their face. It just comes out that way, like a frickin’ Tourette’s tic. Somebody stop me.

    Reply
  29. TxTy says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    Oh, and with all the shows that we’re able to watch off the internet these days, I’d loose the TV.

    later…

    Reply
  30. Son of Sam says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Just where in the hell is my shirt? I live closer than your parents and am still shitrless.

    Reply
  31. Bill in WV says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    My grandmother used to refer to African Americans as “darkies”. I had a friend once refer to a mentally challenged person as a “Corky”. Other than that, I got nothin. I could probably live without Al Gore’s famous invention before I could TV.

    Reply
  32. tony tony tony says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    I could give up the tv. I’d miss aqua teen and what not but with itunes, who cares?

    As for getting away, I am toying with the idea of going to Belize and staying on an island for a week. I was there 3 years ago with a girlfriend but think I might want to try it alone.
    Anyway, in June a round trip flight from OKC to BZE is $494. Then a short water taxi to Caye Caulker, then $75 a night.
    Maybe I’ll ghost write Sniffles pirate novel.

    Reply
  33. mudpup says

    March 24, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    I spent a week and a half on Roatan Island in Honduras on a scuba diving trip. Nothing but diving, was fun because the local beer was ok, and a bar was located 75 feet from my room.
    I would like a service miniature mule, he would follow me around a haulin my beer, he could ride in the back of my pickup.

    Reply
  34. tony tony tony says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    Beer mule sounds awesome.

    Reply
  35. Jason says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Two guys are made to walk the dogs while thier wives sit at the house and talk. One has a german shepherd and the other has a chihuahua. They spot a bar on the corner and decide to stop in for a few beers. The guy with the german shepard puts on his sunglasses and says, “follow my lead.” He walks up to the door and the bar owner says, “You can’t come in here with that dog!” He says, “This is my seeing eye dog.” And he sits down for a beer. The second guy puts on his sunglasses and walks into the bar. The owner says, “You can’t come in here with that dog.” And he replies, “It’s my seeing eye dog. I’m blind.” The bar owner says, “That’s not a seeing eye dog. That’s a chihuahua.” And the guy pauses for a moment and says, “They gave me a fucking chihuahua?”

    I use almost all of those slang words except for “colored”. I just say black. I think it’s because I was raised around a bunch of old folks, and I refuse to participate in the blubbering vagina hurt feelings racket. One of my great grandmothers just died. The other one is still alive. My great grandfather used to make “Chinese” plural. For example: “You see that house across the street? Four or five Chineses live in there.”

    Reply
  36. Evil Twin's Wife says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    I’ve already made my choice: I’ll take the internet. We keep a TV and cable around for the Evil Twin and the secrets.

    Reply
  37. Brianf says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Last autumn my internet was turned off for awhile and it was a BITCH! Oh yea, I had all seven channels on the TV that I get off my aerial. I haven’t had cable or sattelite TV or anything high tech like that in years… but hot damn going to the library for internet exposure sucked as it’s said: from the inside out

    Reply
  38. Shiny Rod says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    I can see Andy strolling down the aisles at WalMart with his saddlebag on and Jeff stocking up on tasty treats for him and secrets while Andy marks his spots. Herb, cleanup on aisle 6, HERB!!!

    Reply
  39. Tyrosine says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    TV I can live without, in fact I’d cancel my cable right now if I didn’t get it for (almost) free. The internet however is an absolute necessity. When I went to Europe last summer I dragged my laptop everywhere and took full advantage of every open network I could find. I hate being out of touch.

    Reply
  40. Susan in NWPA says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    My daughter has a “colored” kid in her class (very rare out here in the country) she calls him the “brown boy.” She refers to all “coloreds” as brown people, brown lady, brown man, brown girl, etc. I’m totally okay with that. Especially glad she hasn’t picked up the N-Word from my boyfriend. He lives in the city and is quite the racist, I don’t agree but it’s ingrained in him.

    I’d totally give up TV but not the internet, no way in holy hell.

    Reply
  41. Charles in PA says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    Like “TxTy” says you can pretty much scrap the TV nowadays and watch everything through the net, but what about 52″ LCD 1080HD E A G L E S!! Football or Jack I’ll shoot you in your kneecap Bauer? Since we just bought a new Townhome from a somewhat nice Apt we had to drop some expenses to see were we would be at on the bills….so….we went from $100 HD/DVR plan to the $12 basic plan WOW!! the memories are better sweet I tell you. We don’t even pay for internet since we just pick up a signal off somebody else. Out dated phrase would be….me…I don’t really agree with some of the PC things and when I was Active Army there was no PC so while my African friend who was the color of an eggplant would go out for his nightly feeding of POPEYES, my sauerkraut/potato nazi-mick ass would ride shotgun and we would be looking for the wetback snatches’….we had a think for those Chicana ladies and FT Hood TX was the right place to be for that. Some of you might now what I mean….none of it was out of hate, we were just comfortable plus we would give our own life for each other so that crap was petty to us anyway. I was out of the loop for 90 days when we were out training…nothing but Radio Comms and Tank Rounds Hooyah.

    Reply
  42. Lew in Bama says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    My grandmother still refers to all other races that aren’t white like shes talking about a family. The blacks do this, the orientals talk like this, the mexicans should do this.
    It’s embarrassing but she’s old so nobody says anything.
    The oriental thing bothers me….people are Asian, food and rugs are oriental.

    If I had to pick, I’d lose tv. I can watch anything I want online.

    Reply
  43. Shiny Rod says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    @Charles in PA – 6 months off the grid while circumnavigating the globe in stealth mode. Nothin but Radio Comms and Whale noises and few well orchestrated farts. Very few people know what a sub smells like after being under water for six months, fresh air is a commodity not to wasted.

    Reply
  44. Charles in PA says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Nice, Shiny Rod, good man never meet a suber. That must be one long day for you….how many sailors is that black dildo holding?

    Reply
  45. Charles in PA says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    *met

    Reply
  46. Adam says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    I stayed in a small mountain town in Mexico once that had no English Speaking TV and no internet… no cell phone service for that matter either.

    It was fun running around the town bar hopping and getting the locals drunk. Having the police drop us off at the door step of my friend’s parents’ house… puking in the front yard and chasing chickens.

    I did get into this one Mexican TV show, though… it was awesome… at first I was intrigued by the name but then I found that the premise was great! The show was Infarto… here’s one of my favorite clips that I remember from the drunken haze: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ig_GCDrrvOo

    Reply
  47. Charles in PA says

    March 24, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    That has to be one of the toughest jobs for the Navy…I think I would go ape shit after 1 month.

    Reply
  48. oblvios says

    March 24, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    When I used to be employed, my answer would have been to give up the Internet because I used to do all my surfing on the job. (That’s probably a useless, cheating answer, I know.) I had dial-up for a long time before giving into the pressure to pay for high-speed Internet, and I did it only because my employer instituted a work-from-home policy. Now that I am among the ranks of the jobless, I would rather give up TV since, as previously mentioned, many shows are available online.

    When it comes to using outdated and (racially) offensive words, my 69-year-old father is an expert. He grew up in Pittsburgh and claims that everyone there uses those words and so he’s perfectly within his rights to do so. (Can anyone confirm?) He once referred to my nephews as “Dago babies” and a former boyfriend as a “Chinaman”. When I corrected him by saying that Boyfriend was Japanese, he proceeded to call him a “Jap”, despite my repeated protests. When my half-sister (in her mid-20’s at the time) moved from PA to California to live with me in 2000, I tried my best to reprogram her so that she didn’t end up dead on the side of the road. She once referred to a middle-aged actor on TV as a “colored kid” and thought it was OK for her pasty white ass to go around saying “wassup n*gger”. Personally, I still snicker when she calls me a “cracka”, though. She and Dad still say “retard”, “cripple”, “Mongoloid”, and well…you name it, they use it.

    I try not to flinch when they use the most heinous of words. My mother, the foreigner, at least had the decency to change her ways when I corrected the bad habits she learned while married to my father.

    Wow, after typing all those words, I feel really dirty and ashamed. I think I need a shower.

    Reply
  49. Rusty says

    March 24, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    Has anyone noticed in recent days that “global warming” has been exchanged for the eminently clearer “climate change”? Just sayin’.

    Reply
  50. Shiny Rod says

    March 24, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    @ Lew in Bama & Susan in NWPA – Let go through my Humanities classes, when they find out where they actually came from, they will be singing a new tune. I have a deeper respect for those of Asian and African descent. Me, I’m just an Afro-Eurocentric Heinz 57 variety American Hippie so I can’t call myself any race other than a human and believe me, most of us (unless you are an American Indian) can’t fanthom the thought even if we could date our lineage back to the Mayflower. Between all those conquering races of people who infiltrated every stretch of human existence and mixed everything up from the “get”, we are nothing at this point but human. Some off us just take on different hues and darknesses than others. Just think about this, all trees are not just one shade of green, yet they share the Earth’s resources equally and do not fight or squabble because one tree is an Oak and the other is a Pine. Something to think about fellow surfers…

    Reply
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