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Scary Park Trash and a Nest o’ Gnats

April 28, 2009 By Jeff

woman-at-the-parkWhat’s the difference between partly cloudy, and partly sunny?  Is it just a glass half empty/half full deal, or something more complicated?  I mean, if it’s partly cloudy it’s also partly sunny, right?  And vice versa.

I don’t care for it, not one tiny bit.  I think we’re being manipulated.  The bastards.

On Saturday Toney and I cleaned up the yard, and apparently unearthed the Shanghai of gnat colonies.  Roughly twenty lawn bags-full of leaves and sticks were in our flower beds and piled against the house.  And as we raked, gnats-a-plenty emerged.

It sucked.  I had those things crawling up and down my neck, all over my face, and buzzing in my ears.  I also wished, momentarily, that I’d never given up on good ol’ Hanes briefs — if you get my meaning.  Far too much access to restricted areas…

But we got it fixed up, and the yard looks great.  Right this minute, anyway.  I can’t really enjoy it, because I know every second that passes is another second removed from perfection.  It starts getting worse, the moment the mower and rakes go away, and the garage door comes down.  The degradation begins immediately.

And pretty soon… I’ll be out there again, with bugs on my wiener.

In case you’re keeping score at home, Toney and I shared a six-pack of Samuel Adams Irish Red after the yard work.  If it weren’t for quality beer in the fridge, the whole outside of our house would go to seed, and Half-Shirt would be distributing a petition.  And that’s not really a joke.

On Saturday morning, before the Gnatty Jamboree, we went to Lackawanna State Park and enjoyed the sunshine.  The place was slammed with people, and it was fairly chaotic.

We took Andy (Snoop Manny Mann) with us, and he humped up like a kangaroo and ejected several large turds in front of a family picnic.  One woman lifted a forkful of macaroni salad to her mouth, saw what was going on, and put it immediately back down.  Sheesh, lady.  It’s just a little fresh-squeezed dog shit…

And yes, it was cleaned-up.  Get off our backs already.

As we continued walking a group of scummy characters passed us going in the opposite direction.  Straight-up trash.  One of the guys was all scarred-up, and looked like a meth freak.  His eyes were darting here and there, and all four of these “citizens” looked like they smelled horrible.  And probably sounded like they looked bad, as well.

One of the women was just a skeleton with poorly tattooed skin hanging off.  Each of her teeth appeared to be a slightly different color, and she was all shaky and jerky.

“Can I pet your dog?” she slurred, in a radically slowed-down voice.

Holy shit!  This was a heroin addict.  I’d bet good money on it — heroin or Oxycontin.  Oh, I’ve seen The Wire.  And she wanted to linger and pay tribute to Black Lips Houlihan.

None of us answered her (too much to take in), so she bent over – very deliberately – and started stroking Andy’s fur.  Usually he doesn’t go for such nonsense, but he stood there like a ceramic doodad and let this scary-ass creature pet him.

“What’s his name?” she asked, while bearing teeth that looked like a sample card for beige paint, from Lowe’s.

“Nancy Spungen,” I wish I’d been quick enough to answer.  But, unfortunately, I was too disgusted and uncomfortable to be witty, and told her the truth.

She said nothing to that, and walked to catch up with her high-quality friends — who hadn’t progressed very far, since they were all moving as if underwater.

I wish I could’ve seen ol’ Tater Salad’s reaction to that crew.  She probably just shoved her paper plate away, and said to hell with it.

This update is a super-quickie, typed like an email.  Hopefully it’s not obvious.

I don’t really have a Question for you, either.  So just tell us what you did over the weekend.  Anything exciting?  Use the comments to bring us up to date.

Oh, this just popped into my head…  On Saturday evening we cooked hamburgers on the grill, for the first time this season.  And Toney and I got into a discussion about burger toppings.

If you were, for some reason, restricted to just one hamburger add-on, what would it be?  We both agreed it would be onions, because you get the most bang for the buck with ’em.  Lettuce and tomatoes are too subtle, and the same goes for mayonnaise and ketchup.  Mustard might be a good choice, but I’m going with onions.

What about you?  What would be your topping of choice, if you were limited to just one?

And I need to go to work, unfortunately.

I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker.

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Comments

  1. Bob K says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    !!!!ST ?

  2. The Qweezy Mark says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    Nooooooooo.

  3. DTO says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Green chlie……

  4. fuzznutz says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    woooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooo numero 4

  5. Melissa says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Top 10 is good enough for me!

  6. ashton says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    fivejive

  7. Gretchen says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    The single topping has to be ketchup. As for the weekend, my husband and I laid down laminate flooring in the guestroom.

    Yeah, I know, I live my life in the fast lane.

  8. Dogberryjr says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    This weekend we alternated between doing yardwork and whining about how old were are. Swear to God, one reasonably deep hole dug with a post hole digger just about sent me into cardiac arrest. Maybe it was just “heat frustration” as my ol’ drill sergeant liked to say.

  9. Melissa says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    I’d have to say Bacon would be the best topping, if you could only have one. Talk about more bang for the buck!

  10. ashton says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Spent the weekend at Jazzfest. I would probably put a nice fresh ripe tomato on my burger, if available. If no high-quality tomatoes are available, I go with onion too.

    A friend came in from San Francisco for the weekend, and when his wife asked where he wanted to eat (out of all the food in New Orleans) – he wanted to go back to the gas station with the awesome fried chicken. Good times.

  11. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    I’d go for a crushed up tamiflu tablet on my burger. It adds a certain tang, and might just save your life!

  12. Bob K says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    “bearing teeth that looked like a sample card for beige paint, from Lowe’s”

    LOL, classic!

  13. Shiny Rod says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Lucky Thirteen!!!

  14. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Can I get a side order of Relenza with that burger?

  15. mountie9wv says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Went to my first concert in years on Friday. The Avett Brothers in Charlotte. They were opening for this discussion group’s favorite band, DMB. Great show though, regardless of the frat boys.

    Saturday was spent driving and recuperating. Sunday I planted my garden and drank red eyes. Hey, at least Friday night was exciting.

    Like Ashton, a high quality tomato would be my first choice for a solo burger topping. Second would be ramps. Onion and garlic (kind of), yumm!

  16. WB in OH says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    Now that Vidalia onions are in season, absolultey.
    Otherwise pepperjack cheese please.

  17. cashoe says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    Cheese, It must be cheese, If there is only one burger add-on allowed. A thick slab of coagulated bovine lactation on top of the ground up meat of the animal itself? Delicious!

    Plus you can get into about 550 different varities of the stuff too…

  18. JCIII says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……

    one topping for a burger would be cheese. does cheese count? or are we assuming the burger already has cheese
    Then I would go with spicy brown mustard. I don’t do raw onions on anything.
    The heroin/meth/crack addict with Snoop Manny Man, somehow I thought something horrific had happened. Like Andy took a bite out of her festering sores forearm.
    The weekend was typical. Watched a kick ass Pittsburgh/Philadelphia hockey game, went to the driving range for some practice, drank gallons of beer, played a little one on one heads up poker, won $10 bucks.
    Oh and Saturday night I did something I haven’t done in months and that was some quality porch sitting out on the front stoop. the weather was absolutely A-1.

  19. Jason says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    I’d want my one burger topping to be bacon.

    I spent a lot of the weekend drunk. My friend chuck and I had the following text exchange on Sunday morning:

    Chuck: So does the fact that I was in a 3 way last night make me gay?

    Me: No, not as long as you didn’t touch the other guy and just concentrated on the chic.

    Chuck: What chic?

  20. Chris McMahon says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    Banana Peppers are my topping of choice on burgers and pizza

  21. dorothy says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    bugs on my wiener—–hee hee hee.

  22. Susan In NWPA says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Definitely Bacon or Cheese. Mmmm Yum.

  23. wordnerd says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    I spent my weekend in the land of funnel cakes and beer, otherwise known as our church & school fair. Highlight of the weekend? A 400 lb. woman with a denim dress that had a slit in the front. And she sat. Knees apart. With all her junk (including some I did not recognize) hanging down for all the world to see.

    Burger topping? Cross between onion and mayo, with onion beating the mayo by thismuch.

  24. tiff says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Red ripe ‘mater for my burger please. Just picked off the vine, nice and warm from the happy little rays of sunshine, bursting with flavor and seedly spooge. MmmMM!

    As for the weekend – drank some, hung out with the kdis some, cooked some, drank some more, went to church to pray for my soul becuase of all the drinking, then went home, cooked some more, and drank some more. Other than that, it’s all a blur. Pretty typical, thanks for asking.

  25. cc says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Cheese on the burger of course unless that’s a given and then mustard. No cheese-no burger. Congrats on the nice lawn Jeff and condolences on your spate of wiener bugs.

  26. Shiny Rod says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Jason – You must try the Five Guys Bacon Cheese Burger. I just finish one off and I am stuffed to the gills. Don’t even bother getting the fries cause you will never get to them.

  27. tony tony tony says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Cheese.

    And this weekend the Oklahoma city Arts Festival (With some of the fattest, slowest, grossest, “art lovers” ever).
    The the Norman Music Fest and saw Todd Snider and Man Man.
    The girl got into an argument with a drunk girl from the Isle of Lesbos that almost came to blows.

  28. Shiny Rod says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    @tiff – I hope not the kids!!! WFPD don’t take to kindly to the eating of the small ones…

  29. Shiny Rod says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Saw an awesome fight at the hockey game this weekend and then turned on the tube and wow, the NASCAR folks at Taledega was at it again throwing car parts at the spectators again…

  30. Ken says

    April 28, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    My Burger topping would be mustard. There are so many varieties of the yellow stuff that I can have a good time. A good side dish that could be used as a topping, or at least I use to dip in, is a good side of Baked Beans. Now that’s the good stuff.

  31. Charles in PA says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    Topping would have to be sport peppers…..God there delicious…..I love how they just make my lips numb with pain. Worked from 8-12 at the bank, had son’s 2 year b-party left at 5 to do a 12 hour shift till 6’in the morn. Slept till 1 played miniature golf at 3 went to dinner at the O.G…..then watched The Quite Man with a beer in my hand.

    Come on Dirty Thirty!

  32. NDfaninAZ says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    Burger topping: cheese. It’s not a burger unless it has cheese on it.

    Saturday I went to the Salsa Challenge in Tempe (AZ) and sampled at least 30 of the 80 salsas that were there. Most of them were disappointing. There were 2 or 3 that were outstanding.

    And I got a sunburn.

    Jason – your text exchange with Chuck made me laugh 🙂

  33. Charles in PA says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Cheese is part of the burger….it has to be. It would be blasphemy if it wasn’t.

  34. Shiny Rod says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    “I mean, if it’s partly cloudy it’s also partly sunny, right?”

    Depends on which part is sunny and which is cloudy.

  35. mike says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Nancy Spungen – classic.
    m.

  36. tiff says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Nah – I didn’t cook the kids – they smell funny.

    Beans and rice turned out pretty good though. Especially the day after…pneumatic automatic sheet fluffin’, woohoo!

  37. Jason says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Shiny Rod – I’ve had many Five Guys Bacon Cheese Burgers. THE BEST. I’m also on the wall at several Cheeburger Cheeburger resturants.

  38. Trisha aka Mrs. Wally says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Burger topping- Melted blue cheese crumbles or mustard. Would depend on my mood.

    This weekend I drank and worked and cleaned and spent $400 in groceries and drank and hung out with the dog, and grilled and DRANK. Anybody else see a reoccuring theme here?

  39. Greg says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    Here is the skinny on partly sunny/partly cloudy:

    In weatherspeak: http://www.weatherworks.com/files/SPECIAL_SAW_files/partly_cloudy-partly_sunny.html

    In humanspeak: http://www.wmur.com/askthemeteorologist/2856449/detail.html

  40. Pagan says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Damn thats the last time I pet your dog!

    Jason tell chuck as long as he was on top he’s straight! Its only the guy on the bottom who’s gay according to my former Marine drill instructor that is!

  41. Jason says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Trisha aka Mrs. Wally,
    Is the theme that you’re an impulse buyer? Shit, I’m no good at these riddles.

  42. kenju says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    Mustard!

    I worked all weekend. Will next week, too. No rest for the poor and weary.

  43. Evil Twin's Wife says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Weekend: did some last minute grocery shopping for our upcoming trip to Disney World, drank a lot of wine.

    One topping: Cheese (if we’re assuming it’s already a cheeseburger, then Bacon – of course!)

  44. SkullyWV says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    Onions fer sher on the berger!

    The weekend was filled with beer, wine fine dining and yard work…I don’t remember in what order.

  45. JR says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Ketchup.

    We worked out in the yard. Planted 3/4 yard of pea gravel.

  46. -- Steve says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    “Seedly Spooge” Tiff? never head that associate with a TOMATO!

  47. Lew in Bama says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    Jason, I’ve seen that text before…maybe at http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
    Nice play though.

    My one topping…cheese…and if it’s a given, a tomato slice. No onions.

    This past weekend I lounged by the pool, drank margaritas, had some sushi, put oil in my car, and killed carpenter bees.
    I will be spending the coming weekend at the Outdoor Alabama Expo in Bham. Fishing and hunting and all things country…woohoo!!

  48. Jason says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Still funny.

  49. Nancy says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Percoset, Hydrocodone, walked some at Lackawana, petted some dog, Oxycontin, Loritabs, cheese crackers. Can’t find my toothbrush

  50. Joe T. says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Saturday worked. Sunday wanted to shoot myself as I used the chainsaw and wood chipper to clear backyard branches, hedges, and other assorted shit, while my wife cleared out the kitchen, so the contractor can get right to work and put in a new floor, then cabinets. The house is a mess, I was beat, and couldn’t wait to get into bed. Next weekend…new paint in the kitchen. I HATE painting.

    Oh yeah, pretty pedestrian, but a hamburger needs ketchup.

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