Last night on Twitter I made a comment about it being 12:30 a.m. on the East Coast, and how I was surprised there hadn’t been any headlines yet about someone being trampled at a Wal-Mart. In fact, at that point I couldn’t find a single article about Black Friday mayhem.
How was it possible?! Weren’t all the stores opening at 8 p.m., or even earlier? That was plenty of time for anarchy to take hold. Where were the reports of arguments, and fistfights? Riots at Target? Mosh pits at Kohl’s? Rugby matches at K-Mart? It’s an American holiday tradition, as cherished as sitting on our asses all day and stuffing great wedges of pie into our mouths with the heels of our hands. I wanted to read about shopping violence!
Luckily, the press worked while I slept, and I woke to a full smorgasbord of Black Friday craziness. And I have no doubt there will be more to come. As a public service, I’m going to attempt to aggregate the reports here. If I miss something big, please don’t hesitate to email me (firstname.lastname@example.org), or contact me at Twitter (@jeffkay). It’s important work we do!
Line-cutters trigger brawl at Wal-Mart!
In Rialto, California a handful of dickheads who don’t recognize the unwritten Shopping Code, cut in line outside a Wal-Mart store. Several heroes called them on it, and a fight broke out. The police arrived, and one officer broke his wrist. In addition to the melee outside, there were two other fights inside the store “over merchandise.” Whore, gimme that toaster oven!
Argument over parking space leads to stabbing at Wal-Mart!
This story reminds me of the Seinfeld episode in which George argued with a friend of Kramer’s over a quality parking space. Except in this case it happened in Underwear Stain, Virginia, and featured two hardened hicks. A 61 year old man named Ronnie (always a bad sign) brandished both a rifle and a knife, and ended up cutting the other man “to the bone.” You don’t mess around with an old man with a boy’s name; everybody should know this.
Watch this asshole behave like an asshole at Wal-Mart!
I know it would’ve only exacerbated the problem, but I really wish someone would’ve bashed him over the head with a Blu-Ray player. Here’s an article about this mess.
Man becomes belligerent and is pepper sprayed at Wal-Mart!
At a Wal-Mart store in Garfield, New Jersey police were already busy writing a summons after “a woman in the infant section spit on another woman’s child,” when an unrelated incident flared up. They heard someone shouting obscenities, and when they attempted to investigate, the suspect grabbed one of the officers by the shirt. This earned him a face-full of pepper spray, and a stay in the Bergen County jail. According to this article, the man became angry while arguing with another customer about a television. Sounds about right, but I think they glossed over the important story here. A woman spit on a kid?!
Another scary feeding-frenzy at Wal-Mart!
This one starts out slowly, but gets pretty great near the end. I don’t know this to be a fact, but have a feeling most of these people are products of the best finishing schools of New England.
Man leaves 2-month old baby locked inside car, while he shops at Best Buy!
A Florida man was charged with felony child neglect after he left his 2-month old baby boy sleeping inside his car, and went shopping at Best Buy. When police finally located the man, he did the honorable thing and tried to blame it on his wife.
Three teenagers, goofing around, feel the wrath of a fed-up shopper at Target!
Well… in this case I’m somewhat sympathetic.
I’m going to continue working on this page, throughout the weekend. If you have any tips for me, please send them along. And if you have comments, you’re in luck! There’s a comment box below. By the way, I didn’t intend for this to focus so much on Wal-Mart, it just worked out that way.
Have a great day, my friends.