Professional E-Mail Forwarders and My Expiring Descriptors
I’m apparently on the mailing lists of several semi-pro forwarders, if you know what I mean.
These are not folks who sometimes find something interesting on the internet, and send the link to their friends. No, everybody does that. I’m talking about people who are much more serious and organized. I’m talking about active members of the forwarding community.
They often work specific niches, but not always.
Many fancy themselves funny forwarders and send out “funny” emails that have been forwarded to them by other funny forwarders within the network. These can include jokes (generally typed in a giant font, for some reason), wacky newspaper articles (self-contained within the message with no outward link), or videos in .wmv format and attached to the email itself (as if YouTube was never invented).
There are also political forwarders who like to distribute propaganda that supports their personal point of view. These are often diatribes supposedly written by well-known people (like Paul Harvey or Denis Leary), but were more likely penned by some foaming at the mouth political turdpouch in a basement somewhere. Political forwarders also like to cite “statistics” and “facts” that all of us would do well to take with a giant grain o’ salt.
Then there are the inspirational forwarders who like to send out heartwarming crapola about “true friends,” and gaggy stuff that. Inspirational forwarders often veer into religious messages, as well, and nostalgia pieces about how we didn’t have any safety measures when we were growing up, and we all survived. Forwards in this category sometimes play music when they’re opened, and often feature animated .gifs that annoy the living hell out of recipients.
And there are patriotic forwarders… and conspiracy forwarders… and “be warned about this fresh new threat to your family” forwarders… and on and on and on.
None of this is new, of course. But I’m starting to notice it becoming more organized and formal. And consistent. Folks are starting to describe each other as “accomplished in the field of forwarding,” and things like that. I believe the people who are involved in this enterprise set aside time every day to “forward,” and feel they have a responsibility to their network. Ya know?
What other categories of forwards are there? And what are the common characteristics of each? I know I didn’t cover them all, so help me out, won’t you?
Also, before I call it a day here, I’d like to confirm that I’m not alone in being an old fart throwback to a different era.
Last night at work I described someone as having a “big Grizzly Adams beard,” and the young whippersnappers just looked at me with confusion. I might as well have said “cat’s pajamas” or “23 skidoo!”
And I notice this happening more and more often. My descriptors are apparently starting to expire. Please tell me I’m not the only one… Please tell me you’ve said something like, “What are you, the Fonz?” only to be met with stares that say, “WTF? What kind of gibberish is this foo’ spewing?”
If so, tell us about it in the comments.
And this was a quickie, but I hope it’s not too horrible. I’ll be back tomorrow, then I’m gonna go underground with my “book” for several days.
Have a good one, my friends.
Now playing in the bunker
Buy Jeff a beer, he requires a beer.
Filed under: Daily
Wham Bam !!!
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Thank you ma’am !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I find it best to keep your descriptors reasonable up to date. Or, maybe I should just start dating women my own age.
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I wanna run with that Amish Dude !!!
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Top ten! Faster than a frog on a June bug!
Being fat, my professional forwarders send me all the latest in health news and obesity research and such. I need something to send back to these assholes, anyone got anything good?
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top 10?
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Top Ten – and tired of cute kittens, bears or frogs showing up in the in-box
and someone said “Danger Will Robinson” on a call at work this morning. None of the kids knew what he was talking about
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Top ten!
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A while back I said to someone – I hope you had a hell of a piss Arnold – and they did not know what that was about.
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I’m just about the same age as you, Jeff, so here’s mine…you will relate:
Can’t make any Mel Brooks movie references anymore.
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I had to call an intervention on two of my sisters. Now they are mostly forward free. They still slip a couple times a year but its nothing like it was. I have a friend who is a serial forwarder and will not stop no matter how many times I debunk a forward by sending him a link to Snopes or Urban Legends. Some folks are beyond help.
My descriptors need a massive update.
I was standing in line at The Kroger the other day and it was kinda warm in the store. I told the young clerk that they needed to throw another log on the air conditioner and just got a blank look, although the woman in line ahead of me laughed.
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NSFW pics forwarders…in the workplace!!
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I HATE FORWARDS. Especially the ones that tell you to forward to ten people or “Jesus won’t love you” or something or another. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jesus but should my faith really be tested by me sending a message to 10 friends. People who forward constantly are mindless zombies with nothing original to come up with. Why has forwarding replaced a simple, Hi, How are you? Whats been going on? I feel like blowing up my computer now.
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That, and racist photos/jokes.
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I hate- HATE the forward to ten people and you will be rich by this time tomorrow forwards. That is the dumbest heap of shit!! HATE that.
Where do people find the time to send all that crapola out is what i want to know?
What really irks the shit out of me (and yes irks may fall under the topic of question number 2) is when people that you might actually want to communicate with ONLY send forwards. they do not respond when you send them legitimate emails.
I cannot stand serial forwarders. that is why if i forward you something you better know that shit is funny. And NEVER EVER will i curse you if you fail to forward it on.
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I’ll tell you, just as soon as I finish forwarding you some really sad news about a kid that needs a million Christmas cards before he dies.
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But if you don’t continue to forward the forwards, the five year old with a single mother working four jobs to make ends meet will die of his eye cancer which last month was taken over by brain, lung & toenail cancer! Would you want his death to be on your stubborn, ‘I-won’t-forward-even-once’ shoulders?
Poor, poor, cancerous child & his hard-working mother. Shame on you heathens!
Next up: A funny forwarded joke concerning an old man, his slaptastically funny wife & a proctologist! You can’t make this shit up!
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The Quiz Forwarders. For one quiz I got I answered every question with colorful variations of: “I hate quiz e-mails.” and forwarded it right back to the forwarder. The person ceased and desisted.
I am constantly making references that stump the younger generation. But you gotta admit, “Deader than Kelsey’s nuts” is pretty damn archaic.
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I admit I have never known what ‘Deader than Kelsey’s nuts’ referred to. Frasier?!
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84% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Hopefully young whiper-snappers like me will keep the old-timey descriptors alive. I’ll use “cats’s pajamas” and “23-skiddo” and “Cracker jack” pretty often. Old people look at me like I am too young to use those grown up words, and peers look at me like I’m speaking Zulu.
For the picture of the birds up there, people always say “Shit roles down hill”, but they never finish it. The entire saying is “Shit roles down hill, but it piles up fast.” Meaning that eventually those that roll the shit will have to deal with it all at once and won’t be able to keep ignoring the problems.
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Chuck: The reasoun the forwarder won’t stop forwarding debunked bullshit is because they don’t read emails without “Fwd” in them.
They probably don’t read emails at all, they think the internet is only made up of forwrded emails so it is their duty to make sure the internet continues to funciton by forwarding crap without reading anything.
Anything you send them becomes a forward to someone else.
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Most forwards I get anymore are from email newbies. A few times of “isn’t this amazing/disturbing?”, with my response of, “No, it isn’t, read this article Snopes wrote about it”. usually nips that in the bud after a few. Back a few years ago I used to take the funny ones and publish them on my web site, but I got tired of burning up all of my spare time in front of a computer – so that’s done with.
All of my descriptors are intentionally outdated. That’s the bee’s knees!
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This is more a tactic than a category, but I have written people off for starting with, “I don’t usually send these, but…”
Sometimes you have to nip it in the bud. (old timey saying)
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……
Oh yeah, I’m inundated with the forwarded e-mails. A few co-workers send me the patriotic stuff because I have a son in the Marines. I guess they think I’m more interested because of that.
I had one secretary sending me the Jesus e-mails until one day when the following exchange occurred:
“Did you get that e-mail I sent you?”
“Yes, and please don’t send me anymore.”
And that did the trick. Was I an insensitive prick? Yes, but my tactics produced results.
The one e-mail that’s a forwarding favorite I haven’t seen in a while has the content; forwarded this to 7 people then watch your screen. It’s really funny!
Nothing ever happens. Ever.
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And all the forwards that I still get are in Comic Sans. Is that supposed to make them funnier? Comic Sans is Satans’ Pica.
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600 years ago today Columbus set off to kill indians and enslave africans.
Send this to 600 of your closest friends or you will be killed or enslaved.
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icecycle,
42% of people know that.
I hate forwards soooo much. Recently there was one on facebook about lindsey lohan and blah blah blah and why don’t we care for the troops more.
I give a shit about the troops, but not because some uncreative lout wants to guilt me into it.
My fave is the one that is george carlin/robin williams said this and then it goes on about 9/11 and shit.
Here’s a rule of thumb, if it’s on the internet it’s not real. Do your own research.
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Sittin’ in the airport the other day and they paged “joe friday” on the loudspeaker. Me and a guy about 1200yrs old were the only ones who chuckled. I can’t be that old!
I don’t mind getting old. I just hate teenagers.
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t-storm said: “Recently there was one on facebook about lindsey lohan and blah blah blah and why don’t we care for the troops more. I give a shit about the troops, but not because some uncreative lout wants to guilt me into it.”
Agree! I put a “Hide” on every one of my FB correspondents who posted that shit on their status last week…won’t be reading ANYTHING they post anymore.
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I think I’d like to live in Montana and be a rancher or maybe in Alaska, where no one is around for miles except me and nature. I’d probably get eaten by a bear though.
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First!!!!!!
Oh wait, that wasn’t me…
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I have an old netzero email address I use for almost everything that requires me to supply an email address. I haven’t actually looked at my netzero mailbox in a couple of years now, so you can forward any and all kinds of useless shit there and it’s fine by me.
My real email address I have is with g-mail, and i use the sneaky tactic of the disposable email address almost exclusively. I get no forwarded crap there.
And luckily I work with a bunch of technical people who understand that the more spam we have on the network, the more problems we have, so they don’t forward non-work related stuff.
And I can tell any joke Gallagher said before he invented the Sledge-O-Matic and nobody knows what I’m talking about. Too bad really, Gallagher was pretty damn funny before the sledge-o-matic.
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Really sad about the Mel Brooks stuff. i wish people could understand that Blazing Saddles was making fun of the idiots that steryotype people in the first place.
Comic genius there! Although I’m pretty fond of Spaceballs. Who doesn’t like to stand up in the middle of the cubicle farm and yell, “I’m surrounded by assholes!”
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“We ain’t found shit!”
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I always get the stupid emails that tell you how soon you’ll have good luck, tons o’cash, good news, or wtf ever depending on how many people you forward it to. And if you choose not to foward it at all…you’d better sleep with one eye open. I hate those. Then something bad happens and I think…if only I forwarded that email…
Old sayings my parents used were, ” wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which one gets filled first”….and…”he didn’t know whether to shit or wind his watch”. And the best was when my mom would gossip about someone…”She’s trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear….ain’t gonna happen”
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Phrases that will never go out of style…
“Wanna fuck?”
“”Go fuck yoruself!”
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“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped!”
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Man I’m late today!
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Wait, Gallagher had an act before the sledgomatic. I sure as hell hope it was funny because that smashing shit just gets old.
My personal hated forwarder is the gratuitous nudity ones….who has time to look at boobies and crotches in email? I have a whole internet for porn thank you very much, now I’m done with the WVSR and can get back to my PORN!
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Wait! I meant news, get back to ready the news. Dont know what I was thinking there.
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I think Gallagher started as a prop comic like Carrot Top. Never did think either one of those was funny.
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Had someone stare at me today when I dropped a Rob and Laura Petrie reference.
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Jeff, I actually use the Grizzly Adams description quite a bit. There is a part in the movie Happy Gilmore referencing the fact that Grizzly Adams did infact have a beard when Happy is challenging Shooter McGavin on the golf course.
I asked my boyfriend once, “Who are you supposed to be? Joey Lawrence?” After he yelled, “Woah!”
I say dumb things like this all the time. It’s my nature.
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“NIP. IT. IN. THE. BUD!” – Barney Fife on The Andy Griffith Show
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Back in ’98, in my office, the week Lloyd Bridges died I said to someone, “Looks like he picked the wrong week to quit breathing.” Person looked at me like I had three eyes. (“Hey, three-eyed fish!”)
Yes, at the time I thought of that Lloyd Bridges joke all on my own. And y’all know you just giggled. (And at the 3-eyed-fish reference also…you know you did.)
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I have to believe you would have been receive WTF stares in any era if you said “What are you, the Fonz?”
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dto- are those your all purpose greetings like mahalo, aloha, hi, z’up? If so then Hi and go fuck yourself, (just being friendly)
I had somebody use the “forward or kittens will die” type approach for a recipe exchange. You heard me. A recipe exchange. Where did his testicles go?
I get the survey ones all the time. Remember our “how many beeeburrs (again, Like I give a crap how he spells it) you can fight? That sort of stuff but with the end result of “how sexy I think I am”. Fuck, I have moobs. How sexy do YOU think I think I am? geez
I like to use quotes from Ghostbuster – Some people smile knowingly. The rest, well mahalo (or one of dto’s greetings).
-”listen, smell that?”
-”tell him about the twinkie”
- “you’re right. no …..human ….would stack books that way”
- I used to have the “Gozer the Traveler” speech memorized but not anymore. I used to use it when asked for an update and the meeting was dragging.
I’ve been hoping for a chance to talk about some of my dad’s sayings I remember… It’s probably a regional think but I think they’re funny….and all old timey…
- turd snapper (a-hole)
- your arse is sucking slough water (you’re full of shit)
- any guy with half an eye and part of an asshole can see that (what are you, stupid?)
- yeah your shit don’t stink (condescending prick)
I guess I’ll have to pass these on to my children.
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I strongly dislike people who go by the name “Strawberry:.
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Dave’s not here man – I’ve always smiled at
LUDICROUS SPEED!!!
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Fat Secretary:
I once read an article stating people with thicker thighs live longer than those skinny twats with bulging bellies. I would search that one out…and send it their way.
)
I say Three sheets to the wind…no one knows what the hell I am saying.
Do you??
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Gallagher and Carrot Top are about as funny as having a prolapsed anus.
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I am usually 6 sheets in by the end of my sixer of schlitz.
I used to think Carrot Top sucked until I accidentaly went to one of his shows. He was freaking hilarious, and now I find myself defending him when people say he sucks.
I don’t know what it is about seeing him live that makes him so funny. I think maybe that the comedic energy is lost if you aren’t there.
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Aww…Ghostbusters!
“Aim for the flattop!”
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I’ve seen shit that’ll turn you white!
said the black man to the white man
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A co-worker of my hub’s just got a place with her boyfriend and her cousin. She was telling hub about this and he broke out into “come on knock on our door…we’ve been waiting for you”She had no idea. She’s 22, we are 41.
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Oh yeah, forgot this one. We used to say “now we’re shittin’ in tall cotton.” Means we have arrived, we’re living the life of luxury, whatever. Usually said when some asshole showed up at a party with a six pack of Schlitz.
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Gallagher had some good ones:
“Don’t you hate it when you decide to run a yellow light and the guy in front of you chickens out? I got gas & first gear for two cars!”
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Geez, I keep posting as Another Dave when I’m at home. Gotta clear the cookies now. Heh. In 10 years nobody will know what that means!
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I actually heard a lady say, “kiss my grits!” the other day. And I remember that from Mel’s Diner.
If an e-mail has a “FW:” in front of it I delete it without ever looking at it. Always.
Here’s a few sayings I like:
*He didn’t know whether to shit or go blind.
*White trash kids couldn’t have a room this messy because they don’t have this much shit to throw around!
*I’m fucking this chicken. You just stand there and watch the feathers fly, boy.
*I’ve got the world by the asscheeks.
*You can’t eat like that. You’ll paint the whole house with your asshole in a few hours.
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I was talking to a bar friend the other day about my fudge up of a brother and I said at least he doesn’t have to worry about the draft.
He replied instantly with “There was one?”.
Good new: My Middle brother (There are three of us, 33, 29, and 20) just had kid number 4. He now has an Andrew, a Brayden, a Caleb, and a Dustin. He’s stopping there.
Bad news:
A really shitty story out of St. Louis. A singer/guitar player and general force with the STL music scene was killed over the weekend by a hit and run driver. I can’t say I knew this guy but I had seen his band a few times before I left.
http://blogs.riverfronttimes.com/atoz/2010/08/fattback_dave_hagerty_venice_cafe.php
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im going to forward your post to all the people i know who love to forward me crap lol maybe they will get the point, i also always delete anything that has FW in the subject.
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Now, he who is without sin?
I’ll admit. I’ve forwarded. I was never a serial forwarder. My Grandma was, my Dad is sometimes. It got to the point where I didn’t want to open anything my Grandma sent since it would irritate me and I don’t want to be irritated by my Grandma, know what I mean?
I have been reprimanded, back in 2001 or 2 or so. Nothing big but I did forward that taco bell dog on the screen one. I’ve bee pretty good since then.
So there, I said it. If you send this to a billion of your friends timmy won’t get cancer.
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I think there are two ways to stop these mass forwardings. One is to just be direct and tell them, you hate that stupid shit. And the other is to just mark it as spam.
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ok, along the same note, what is it with so called professional websites doing pop ups? I hate pop ups. mlb.com does netflix, cincinnati.com does some bullshit, msn does, cnn does. it’s really god damn annoying.
The worst are the ads that pop up in the body of the site and you can’t find the close button.
on a more interesting note i just saute’d some jalepenos, habeneros, and garlic to mix with some leftovers and though i washed my hands, i am still burning in the taint’ll area. actually feel kind of nice.
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uh, taint’ll area???
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t-storm… naked cooking again? If you can’t put a little distance between your funland and your food prep hands, maybe try to put a little time in between instead?
So, it burnt when you ate it… it burnt when you manhandled your man handle…and then I’m assuming the O-ring on the way out… good to be alive isn’t it?
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Dave …It’s the no man’s land between little Tony and the twins and the balloon knot
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there was time, and washing. habeneros are a bitch.
i’m looking for the burn.
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I get told all the time by people that I use phrases that make me sound like a cranky old man. Not surprising, since I grew up with a retire-with-the-belt, professional cranky old bastard: my Grandfather. He taught me how to properly curse when I was four years old. The first time I said “fuck,” my Mom didn’t have the heart to discipline me because she knew that I heard the word from the old man, many times. I also have a good backlog off antiquated phrases, such as “dumber than boiled gravel.” I’ll do my part to keep ‘em alive.
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I remember the first time I made chile con queso…. I absentmindedly wiped my eye while slicing up the jalapenos… it felt like broken glass, dipped in acid… set on fire. Not nearly as funny as a flaming taint’ll area (funny t-storm, funny) but perhaps a good schadenfreude (thank you spell checker) laugh.
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t-storm: What in the hell were you making with all the peppers then felt the urge to scratch/touch your taint’ll area? Just askin’
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I figured as much, but man, I don’t wipe THAT aggressively!
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i had some peppers and onions and garlic that i peppered up with some sausage and rice and masala. mmmmm. late night bachelor food.
and the scratching was for me.
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hot fuzz: Um…news flash….the balloon knot on ANY man is also “no man’s land”….
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bc – LOL –
so you’re saying it’s not about the butt hole pleasures??
40 yr old virgin
Mooj: Life is about people. It’s about connections.
Andy Stitzer: It’s all about connections.
Mooj: It’s not about cocks, and ass, and tits.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Mooj: And butthole pleasures.
Andy Stitzer: It’s not about butthole pleasures at all.
Mooj: It’s not about these rusty trombones, and these dirty sanchez.
Andy Stitzer: Please stop.
Mooj: And these cincinatti bowties, and these pussy juice cocktail, and these shit stained balls.
Andy Stitzer: Mooj, just please stop.
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hot fuzz: butt hole “pleasures”…ain’t no sucha thang.
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bc – congrats – this is the first time I’ve been stuck for a smart ass comment or been unable to suggest a point in the comment section of Jeff’s blog (and the crowd went wild – up went shouts of “Finally”).
I’m tapping out.
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Virus warning forwarders. “WARNING: If you receive an email with subject line “Merry Xmas,” don’t open it, it will destroy your computer” and that shit. Of course, the “virus” never really existed. But the forwarders were duped and continued to forward.
Haven’t seen them much of late, but they were all over the net around 7 or 8 years back.
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“What’s your damage, Heather?”
Crickets. and it wasn’t even that long ago!
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Then there’s the forwarder who sends you crap that is 1) utterly opposed to your political view, 2) incorrect, and 3) libelous.
In other words, my Mom. I love her, but I don’t think she knows about Snopes for #2, doesn’t care about #3, and thinks #1 will take care of itself once I grow some common sense.
*sigh*
Wish she’s just send the jokey ones and leave the rest in the garbage can.
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Can’t lurk by without responding to this. Whenever I bust out one of those references and it is met with a blank stare, I say in rather indignant voice, with just a touch of “What are you? New??” to it. TV show from the ’80′s or Movie from the ’70′s. Makes everyone that I’ve used that on feel rather small and insignificant. Works rather well in the Reno, NV area anyway…
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Nope.god what a mess
..
…
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