Petty Disqualifiers, and the Surprising Things We Don’t Like

ricekrispytreatsI was saddened to learn that the T-Shirt Lady sold her business in 2012, after 19 years, and the new shirts will have to be made by someone else. I contacted the person who bought the company from her, but he types in ALL CAPS, so he’s out of the running. Is that too petty? I just can’t do business with a man who types in ALL CAPS.

I’m going to go with a guy who Toney knows. He does good work, has decent prices, and will want to keep me happy because Toney is associated with groups who throw a lot of business his way. I spoke with him today, and he seems like a good guy. He’s been in business forever, and that’s also a positive sign.

So, everything’s in place. I just need the final count, by size, on each design. If you haven’t pre-ordered yet, please do so today. You don’t want to forget about it, and miss the cut-off (noon EST, July 8). Here’s your link. Get all liquored-up tonight and order 15 of those bastards! Or do it sober for a lesser number, I don’t care.

And what do you think about my ALL CAPS rule? Do you understand where I’m coming from, or is it too Larry David? Have you ever decided not to do business with someone, because of some tiny little thing that rubbed you the wrong way? Please tell us about it.

I was in Sheetz a little while ago, buying an outsize vessel of Dr. Pepper and crushed ice, and was about to crawl out of my skin.

For one thing, there was a shrill alarm going off in the kitchen area. I don’t know if the fries were done, or what, but the sound was drilling straight through my brainstem. I could see at least two people working back there, but neither of them made a move to stop the horrible sound. Are they now oblivious to it? Have they completely burned-out their pain centers?

That was driving me insane. Plus, I got in line behind an old lady buying about $50 worth of lottery tickets, each customized to her personal preferences. WTF? The old bag needs to be wrapped in a carpet, thrown into the trunk of a car, and driven directly to a gambling addiction facility. Jesus J. McChrist.

I was sighing to beat the band, while Grandma Walton bought her scratchers, and that French fry air-raid siren kept going off. I seriously considered spiking my giant Dr. Pepper like a football, and walking out of that place.

Do you ever feel like everything’s moving in the wrong direction, humanity-wise?

We were going to go to Knoebels today, but the weather geniuses said it was going to thunderstorm all day. So, we talked about it, and decided to postpone. Yeah, it’s sunny and bright out there. Good stuff. It’s what we get for over-thinking things. We should’ve just gone, like we’d planned, and not complicated matters with additional information. We were too clever by half.

But, we’re going out to dinner tonight. All four of us, which is rare. We don’t see too much of the older boy, since he commandeered my (now his) Camry. We told him Thursday is family night, though. He’s gonna have to suck it up and spend the evening with us. I hope he survives this torturous ordeal.

It seems like he was a toddler just a couple of years ago, and wanted nothing more than to spend time with me. Now he’s 17, and Toney and I are as out of fashion as a baby-blue leisure suit. I know that’s the way it goes, but it still makes me a little sad.

There’s a big box of Rice Krispy Treats in our kitchen pantry, and I’ve never liked those things. I think I’m in the minority on it, but I didn’t even care for them when I was a sugar-craving kid. Homemade… store-bought… it doesn’t matter. It’s like eating an aquarium filter.

Another thing I never liked, which might make a few of you gasp: Twinkies. Those things sucked ass. I liked Hostess cupcakes, and some of their other products, but could never get behind the Twinkie. Both the consistency and taste didn’t appeal to me. Blecch.

What falls into that category for you? It doesn’t necessarily have to be food, just something that seemingly everybody loves, and you do not. Please tell us about it in the comments.

And I’m going to call it a day, my friends.

Have yourselves a great weekend.

Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!


    • sunshine_in_va says

      As I’m sure you’ve found out by now, it was a good thing you skipped Knoebels today. They’re probably rounding the park tourists up two-by-two and herding them into an ark by now.

      Sweet potatoes: fuck ’em.

      “Do you ever feel like everything’s moving in the wrong direction, humanity-wise?”

      Every fuckin’ day.

      • Knucklehead says

        Good call. I fucking hate sweet potatoes, which means I’ve heard “Oh, you’ll like them them the way I make them. People who hate sweet potatoes like mine”. Bullshit. The only way I like sweet potatoes is when they are at least a mile away from me.

        • Rachael says

          I can not and will not get on the sweet potatoe french fry band wagon. Sweet potatoes are nothing new and I’ve always hated them. But fries? Seriously? Its one of those foods that seems to offend people when you say you hate them. That and mayo. Love bleu cheese and ranch dressing but I’ve hated mayo since I could talk.

      • Rachael says

        I can not and will not get on the sweet potatoe french fry band wagon. Sweet potatoes are nothing new and I’ve always hated them. But fries? Seriously? Its one of those foods that seems to offend people when you say you hate them. That and mayo. Love bleu cheese and ranch dressing but I’ve hated mayo since I could talk.

        • madz1962 says

          Another sweet potato hater here. Which is werid because I love the smell of them baking. But I just can’t get into eating something wiht the look and consistency of really bad ear wax.

        • chill says

          Rachael has some kinda dichotomy going on. One of the ingredients in bleu cheese dressing is mayo.

      • Pete says

        My dog loves sweet potatoes, but he also will eat deer poop if no one is looking. Not sure which I’d rather eat.

      • bikerchick says

        I love sweet potatoes but I do not like sweet potato fries. And people put ketchup on them. Yuck.

      • Skippy says

        I agree on the sweet potato thing. With that being said, at a family function I got a healthy dollop of what I thought was pumkin pie (my whole family likes pumpkin pie so its been made in a caserole dish for fam functions for years), I take one bite and realize its MOT pumpkin pie and immediately ask what I’m eating. I’m told its sweet potato pie. It was actually very good. My step mama made it and to this day her SPP is the only one ill eat.

  1. johnthebasket says

    Mark me down as pro-Twinkie. And be sure to catch the latest Maron podcast. He interviews Cheech and Chong; it’s a terrific hour and a half.


  2. Ognir says

    I’ve got some friends on Facebook who always type in ALL CAPS. It’s usually one of those posts about someone who did them wrong, a car wreck, or some sort of weather update.

  3. Kristi says

    I am anti-Twinkie also. I enjoy the other Hostess treats, just never Twinkies.

    I’m also not a huge fan of french fries. I don’t hate them or anything, I’m just super picky about the kinds I like. And they have to be fresh outta the fryer, which means I usually only eat a few outta my order, because once they start getting cold, I lose interest.

    I feel like this world is moving in the direction of the movie “Idiocracy”.

  4. Sluggy says

    Raining like a sonofabitch down here in Wilkes-Barre.
    Big storms tend to wash Knoebel’s away so good you skipped that plan.

    Something I have never cared for that everyone loves?
    I don’t care if it’s a black cup of joe or a fancy pantsy coffee “drink”…’s not for me.
    Well, if you cut it with some booze I could choke it down….make that a LOT of booze….. 😉

    • Bill in WV says

      I’m right there in the same boat as you, when it comes to coffee. Which, by the way, makes it weird if you are in a morning business meeting and everyone else is drinking coffee and you’re over there with a cup of ice water. I don’t care, to me it has always tasted like somebody just filtered dirt right out of granny’s garden through a paper towel and served it up hot. I don’t even like the flavored shit either. Another thing, coffee always makes your piss smell like COFFEE!!! The only other food item I know that does this is asparagus.

      • sunshine_in_va says

        Back when I used to go to a lot of meetings, there I’d be sucking down an ice cold Pepsi at 9 in the morning. The coffee elitists thought I was a Neanderthal.

    • Max says

      I’m on the same page with the coffee. I like the smell but don’t really like drinking it.

      If I need caffeine I reach for any kind of energy drink. Yum.

      • chill says

        I’ve only ever tried Red Bull, but it was nasty. Tasted like third-rate bubble gum. Gack.

  5. Griff says

    One disqualifier I see only in the South is a cross or a Bible verse on a business card. If I see that shit, I’m out. I go to church and don’t hate religion (much) but have found that people who do such things are either shady or incompetent and are looking to use Jesus to divert attention from their fuck-ups or thievery.

    The other disqualifier is if I see a political bumper sticker on a work vehicle (regardless of cause or opinion of that cause.) It usually leads to listening to rants about vaccines or Jew-run media, or other such kookery. Just install the wax ring and let me write you a check.

    • Linda says

      I disqualify due to religious references also. I get that they’re trying to make the church people think they’re trustworthy, but it has the opposite effect on me.

    • revashane says

      Oh Lord, the fish icon is so prevalent here in Arkansas that it sends up a red flag with me. Most business cards have the fish on it. Also here in Arkansas it’s big (stupid) to hang giant balls off your pick up truck bumper. I’m talkin’ giant, life like human balls!! WTF! I saw a chromed pair hanging off a plumbing company truck and believe me I wont be calling them.

      • Michelle says

        Oh man, those are actually called Truck Nutz. I work for an automotive publishing company and have seen my fair share of these abominations. Fortunately, they’ve fallen out of favor where I live.

        • Alex says

          Those things are stupid. I figure it is the gay truck crowd version of the rainbow flag; moreso if they pull trailers with their truck. Think about it.

          Your in auto publishing, surely you know somebody at one of the bro-truck centric mags who could drop a hint of that nature in an article and (hopefully) make them disappear quicker.

  6. Dogberry says

    Language disqualifiers: alot and definately. Sorry, two strikes and you’re out on this one. People not caring that then and than are two completely different words is quickly moving up the chart.

    Twinkies are only good if they’ve been kept in the freezer, and only barely so then.

    • Stephanie says

      Language disqualifiers for me doing business with someone:

      “To be honest with you…” If you were being honest, you wouldn’t need to say this.

      And, any corporate speak crap and I’m done. Don’t try to get me on the same page, move forward, speak to that later, put that in the parking lot to discuss at a later date, table the discussion, go for the low hanging fruit first, or any other such bullshit nonsense.

      • MiniPeds in NOLA says

        My former boss was so bad with the corporate lingo that my team found an iPhone app called buzzword bingo and used to play during meetings. He also used to try to make up his own country Louisiana approximations that nobody really understood. Like “welp, if that dawg don’t hunt….” We never really knew if that meant to retrain the dog? Or give up on it? Put it down?

  7. Billy Joel says

    In my part of the world the weather is HOT! It’s always HOT in Billy Joel-Land!

  8. chill says

    ALL CAPS is a quick, convenient way to identify a tard; it tells you right away what you’re dealing with. I have one friend who writes in all lowercase, which for some reason is less annoying.

    I’m only slightly below the Mason-Dixon line, so we don’t see to many crosses. We do see the odd Jesus Fish here and there, and it’s a red flag. Many years ago I had a job with a company where the owner told me during the interview, “this is a Christian-based company”. That set off some alarms in my head, but I took the job anyway because I was desperate. The guy ended up taking a lot of money from several employees, closing the doors and declaring bankruptcy. He still owes me about $1000, and I’m grateful that’s all it was. One chick there was owed more than $10k, and I doubt she ever saw a penny.

    Things everybody likes? Facebook. It’s one of the few pieces of spying that you can still opt out of, so I do. It’s like the lottery: hey, a tax that’s optional! Also, sody pop. I don’t hate it or anything, it just doesn’t do much for me. I’ll have coffee, water or beer depending on the time of day. Maybe an unsweetened iced tea.

  9. Phil Jett says

    Like Twinkies but wouldn’t go out of my way to get one. All caps turn me off as does Facebook and people that have to preach at me when I don’t ask them to preach to me.

    Anyone who gets in the self-checkout lane and is weighing and buying a shit-load of vegetables or fruit or generally have no idea how to use the equipment need to be disqualified from life.

  10. Kevindust says

    I’m with Sluggy on coffee. While I’ve had sips here and there, I’ve never had a full cup of coffee in my life unless it was laced with booze. It smells great but I don’t care for the taste. I do love Kahlua and milk though. Come to think of it, I don’t enjoy any hot drinks…except hot apple cider and Jack.

    I can’t stand sweet potatoe fries, they are disgusting. French fries are not supposed to be sweet. The Easter Bunny doesn’t leave potatoes around the fucking house, he leaves chocolate. Around here in the Nations Capital, SPF are a cost option at local restaurants. I laugh every time a server tries to upsell me on SPF, I wouldn’t eat them if you paid me the $1.99

    How about that massively huge band that everybody loves? Basic three chord riffs, 4/4 time, fun(ny) cliche filled lyrics, sing-along anthem party rock, beer drinking fist pumping tunes; repeat the same pattern for every album. Who does that make you think of? Seemingly everybody loves AC/DC and hates Nickelback and I don’t understand why. They are both doing the same thing.

  11. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    I enjoy the occasional shaggy milkshake and pornographic handshake, but when it comes time for FAX numbers and cartographic sandwiches, you can count me out!

  12. Sam says

    Guns and Roses. I can’t stand that bastard’s voice and the arrogance with which they routinely take the stage so fucking late. I love rock music but don’t care for those turd-cutters.

  13. Rachael says

    I really need some support on this! I am disgusted by sweet and savory together. I’m talking about coconut shrimp, honey mustard, BBQ sauce, sausage and syrup, sweet and sour pork, the list goes on and on. Can someone back me in this, please?

    • Phil Jett says

      I have your back on this one. Sausage and syrup is the worse. Syrup is used to make the pancake go down. Sweet and sour sauce? The color alone makes it inedible but the taste is just wrong.

    • Root 66 says

      Y’all need some intervention! Nothing’s better than sausage, syrup and pancakes (or waffles, French toast, etc.) And chicken and waffles are so good, they’ll make you want to slap your mama!

    • Seanette says

      I’m on board with this. Can’t deal with that combo. Just because two things taste good individually does not mean they combine well.

    • chill says

      And yes, I’m on that bandwagon too. Sweet and savory don’t belong in the same bite. For instance, why to people always want to “glaze” hams and pork roasts? Pork is already a little sweet to begin with. And if the meat is any good, I want to taste it – not the corn syrup it’s slathered with.

  14. Root 66 says

    –Twinkies are tolerable (only in a pinch, though.) I’m more of a Ho-Hos and lemon pie kind of guy. Hostess (which is making its big comeback July 15) used to make something called a Raspberry Muffin Loaf. It was the best! I hope it makes it back in their arsenal of mouth-ready junk food!
    –I can’t seem to find the fascination with Facebook or Twitter or anything “social” like that. I can’t imagine why anyone would care what I’m doing, because I certainly don’t care what they’re doing. Does that make me anti-social? Oh, yeah!
    –Cold coffee is what Satan drinks. It’s coffee–therefore it should be served piping hot. Cold coffee gets poured down the sink.

    • suz says

      I used to work in a small Mom & Pop convenience store and I ate alot of Raspberry Muffin Loaf’s (Loaves?). When the Hostess truck came around, the boss would get all the RML’s for me that the driver would let her have.
      I dislike Facebook and Twitter, too. Well, one good thing about Facebook is that so many people spend their time playing games that they don’t have time to e-mail me chain letters.

  15. Griff says

    This doesn’t really fit with a disqualifier for doing business, but I won’t listen to a baseball announcer or analyst that uses the term “R’sBI.” Those guys should die in a tire fire.

  16. madz1962 says

    My mother in law uses ALL CAPS but that’s only because her eyesight is piss poor and she can’t grasp the concept of adjusting the font size.

    I don’t like bacon cheeseburgers or bacon on pizza. Love bacon, just not on my pizza or cheeseburger.

    I liked Rice Krispie treats homemade but I don’t think I could eat them anymore. The mass produced stuff are just plain vile.

    Never really liked Hostess products. I liked Drakes better but they fucked up all those recipes and they don’t taste the same anymore.

    Years (and jobs) ago, we had an office supply representative who couldn’t look me in the eye. His eyeballs would be fluttering from the ceiling to the water cooler to his feet. I never bought anything from the epitome “shify eyed” salesman. Weird guy, too.

    • The Qweezy Mark says

      TasteeKake pisses on Drake’s and Hostess’ graves. Little Debbie is dynamite in the sack, though!

  17. Lew in bama says

    I cannot stand nuts in my desserts. I’ll eat a peanut, but don’t dare put it in my cookie, brownie or ice cream.
    And you people who don’t like sweet/savory are insane. I made chocolate covered bacon recently and it was effin awesome!
    And that fake fast food chicken makes me want to vomit. You know, where they take all the leftover spare parts, run it through a grinder with some binding agent, then pack it into some form to look like real chicken. I’d rather eat my shoe than a McD’s McNugget or BK original chicken sandwich.

  18. Patty in Cleveland says

    Love Ho-Ho’s and the chocolate cupcakes but never cared for Twinkies. Sweet Potatoes should not be made into fries and everything from Starbucks tastes burned to me.

    • madz1962 says

      I agree about the burnt taste of Starbucks. Someone gave me a gift certificate and I bought some Christmas blend coffee I make in my own pot. Much better and smoother.

  19. DCinCinci says

    I like Twinkies but cannot stand Snowballs. That marshmallow coconut covering ruins an otherwise acceptable cream filled chocolate half globe.

    And count me out on fruit in ice cream.
    Little gummy, boogery nobs. Ack!

  20. Michelle says

    I don’t know when everyone started adding cilantro to everything, but they need to cut that crap out. The devil’s weed is vile and does nothing to improve Mexican food.

    I have very strong feelings on this subject.

  21. Vegasrandall says

    string bean and mushroom soup casserole with the fried onions on top makes me projectile vomit. it,s one of the most vile concoctions ever devised by evil mothers

    • madz1962 says

      I tried that for the first time in my life when I was 46 years old. I hadn’t missed a thing.

  22. bikerchick says

    I love hot buttered popcorn. Such a treat when I make it at home. But I don’t get the whole kettle corn craze. If you’ve never heard of this shit, it’s popcorn with both salt and sugar. It’s always at fairs and flea markets. Smells wonderful though. Like coffee, smells better than it tastes.

    I also don’t like bacon on my hamburgers. Take a bite and it never fails that the whole soggy strip if bacon comes with it and is dangling down the front of your shirt.

    Here’s where I’m going to get a bunch of WTFs…. Ice cream. Not crazy about ice cream. Ok…fix your face…. I have to really have a “taste” for it, and it’s not too often.

    A disqualifier for me are businesses that offer specials or discounts if you “like” their Facebook page. What if you don’t have one? Not everybody feels it necessary to have one either.

    The over anxious sales person at a store will run me right out instead of just letting me browse by myself. They can take their stupid head set microphones and pound them.

  23. Tim says

    Peanut butter is in my opinion the worst shit on earth. I have never liked it. I can’t even stand the smell of it. Or peanuts either. If you are eating either of them, I will keep a safe distance. I would have to be near death to even think about eating that nasty ass shit.

  24. says

    How did Oreo cookies become such a big fucking deal? They’re terrible.

    I could do without rice. Just tasteless bullshit.

    And dudes, stop showing your toes in public.

    I don’t wear shorts. I don’t even own any.

  25. Jera says

    I can not stand fruit mixed with other things. I don’t like fruit in ice cream or chocolate covered. Unless it’s peanut butter and apples. That is the only situation where fruit can be with something else.

    • DCinCinci says

      Especially dudes who’s big toenails look like infected Fritos corn chips.

  26. chill says

    Ketchup. Some people drench everything with it. I might put a dab on a burger, but that’s it. I can’t remember ever using up a bottle of ketchup; it goes bad first.

    • clintcurtis says

      chill, you are officially on my 14 year old daughter’s “hit list.” She drenches it on everything!!!! My annual kethchup bill is larger than the GDP of Ecuador.

  27. chill says

    One more petty disqualifier, pretty much always committed by journalists: appending the suffix “-gate” to name the scandal du jour. Specifically, I just saw this whole NSA surveillance thing referred to as “Spygate”. The original, Watergate, was so called because that was the name of the building where it took place. Just stop. I mean, did pre-WWII newspapers refer to scandals as “Something Dome”, in reference to Teapot Dome? I don’t believe they did.

  28. Skippy says

    Tomatos in any form make my lower jaw retract like a 1950’s pull down window shade. Yes, this includes ketchup (double blech), pizza sauce, salsa, and spaghetti sauce. There is ONE exception to the tomato rule; chili. Not hot dog sauce but real chili, ya know, beans, onions, and meat.

  29. says

    My wife got me a 1 pound rice crispy board for christmas last year. I gnawed on it like a hamster eating a ribeye for a week. It was the size of a sheet of plywood.

    It was wonderful.

  30. chill says

    Yet another! Newscasters who try to “correctly” pronounce foreign names. Now if you actually do speak the language in question, it merely comes across as a bit pompous. But lately this Egyptian dude Morsi has been in the news, and I’ve heard any number of news reporters try to roll the R, only to have it come out sounding like Morrissey. And I’m trying and failing to picture a wrinkled rock star getting booted out of the presidency.

    • Rachael says

      So with you, chill. We don’t pronounce Mexico “Me-hee-co.” Pakistan’s, and Afghanistan’s and every other “stan” can and should be proudly pronounced the way Americans did during the Reagan admin. You are not low-brow or ignorant if you pronounce non English words with an American accent.