Parents Gone Wild!

angryface1J.J., the oldest Secret, was at a friend’s house a few days ago, and the friend was text-messaging someone.  His mother walked in, and asked for the phone, saying she wanted to charge it.

The friend mumbled “just a minute,” and continued typing at the speed of a Meister Brau diarrhea.

“I said give me the phone!” the mother shouted, starting to get cranked-up.

“Mom, I’m in the middle of a text!” the boy said.  “Just give me a second.”

And the mother flew off the handle, smacked the kid in the face, snatched the cell phone out of his hand, went down to the basement and repeatedly hit it with a hammer, scooped up some of the shards, and hurled them into the woods off their back deck.

Hoooo-ly shit.

The mother supposedly felt “terrible” about the way she acted, and the next day went out and bought the kid an even more expensive phone.  And so it goes.

My parents weren’t crazed like that.  My mother could lecture you down to a smoldering nub, but never screamed and hollered and acted like a maniac.  And my Dad has the demeanor of Atticus Finch.

The only time I can remember any such fireworks, was at our old house.  So it had to be pre-fifth grade.  My parents were arguing about something, and my Mom took her arm and knocked several (unbreakable) bowls into the floor.  My Dad was eating at the time, and just continued as if nothing had happened.  His expression didn’t even change.

And when he was finished, he got up to take his plate to the sink, stopped and said, “Huh. Does anyone know how all these bowls got on the floor?”

It was probably my imagination, but I thought I could see literal blasts of smoke shooting out of my mother’s ears.

But, for the most part, they (my mother) just lectured us.  And lectured, and lectured some more.  Wow!  When one of our kids is on the hot seat, and Toney’s giving him a full 360-degree grilling, I can’t help but feel a little sorry for the kid.  Because I’ve been there.  Oh, I’ve been there plenty.

Toney’s mother, on the other hand, is (and reportedly was) capable of just about anything.  When Toney and Nancy were very young, I’m told, Sunshine got mad about something and hurled a hanging plant through the picture window of their house.

Yes, Sunny is a very nuanced and complicated individual…

And I heard other stories at school, about parents who went nuts and threw a TV into the front yard, or hatcheted up a set of stereo speakers, or flung a pork chop and fried potato supper against the dining room wall…

So let’s hear ‘em.  Use the comments section to tell us about Parents Gone Wild!  They can be your parents, the parents of friends, stories you heard at school, or even yourself.  We’re not picky.

And I know some parental outburst tales aren’t funny, especially if it was an abusive situation.  But that’s not really what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about otherwise semi-normal human beings, who momentarily lost it.  You know what I’m saying…

Also, I’m toying with the idea of doing a few Surf Report podcasts.  I bought some equipment (a big John Holmes microphone, etc.), and plan to give it a shot.  However… if the results are especially embarrassing, I’ll never post the files; they’ll go straight to the shitcan, never to be heard by another human.

But I’m thinking about answering  questions from readers on my first dining room broadcast attempt.  So, if there’s something you want to know, now’s the time to ask.

If there’s murkiness in the narrative of my ridiculousness, or you want more info about some episode or other, send me an email.  Or just post it in the comments, following an all uppercase:  QUESTION.  That’ll make it easier for me to find, after a few Yuenglings.

Obviously, I’m not going to reveal every little thing about my life.  I won’t tell you my home address, or the real names of our kids, or anything like that.  But I’ll try to answer all reasonable questions.

And speaking of our kids, I’ve decided to call them J.J. and Michael here.  That will be their new internet names.  J.J. is the older hooligan, and Michael is the younger.  I’ll start easing into it, over time.

And that’s going to do it for today, boys and girls.  If it wasn’t enough for you, check out the new post at mockable.

I’ll see ya tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker.

102 Responses to “Parents Gone Wild!”

  1. I need a drink. I’m really firsty.

    [Reply]

  2. Ah! That quenched my thirst, if but for a SECOND

    [Reply]

  3. Third?

    [Reply]

  4. Why JJ and Michael?

    [Reply]

  5. Sufferin’ succotash !!!

    [Reply]

  6. I’ll keep my own family stuff in the deep, dark, special place where it belongs, but the was a rather douchy kid in my high school whose father sold the kid’s car for $100 after some nonsense I’ve long since forgotten. Gotta say my schadenfreude was in overdrive when I heard about it.

    “J.J. and Michael???” After all the dandy options we gave you, you chose these? Tsk.

    [Reply]

  7. yeah? jj and michael???
    i was expecting something a bit more creative.

    [Reply]

  8. Michael is the sensitive one, J.J. just says “right-on” a lot.

    [Reply]

  9. Top 10!

    [Reply]

  10. You guys are doing it wrong-

    QUESTION: Why J.J. and Michael

    [Reply]

  11. I read a story online the other day about a father who smashed his daughter’s cell phone. It was after he received a 4,000 dollar phone bill due to her texting all the time. That makes sense to me.

    [Reply]

  12. “Michael is the sensitive one, J.J. just says “right-on” a lot.”

    Good point. Now Jeff is James (will he vanish?) and Toney is Florida?

    [Reply]

  13. Question Suggestion… While sitting in your car at a stoplight, have you noticed people eating strange food ? At least strange to be eating in a auto.
    This morning while at a stoplight I glanced over at the car to my right and a woman was eating a pot pie! At the next light a girl was eating a great big strawberry. WTF !

    [Reply]

  14. My mom would grit her teeth when she would lose her mind over something I did. Man was that scary. I mean it was horror movie shit. I still get the shivers thinking about it.

    [Reply]

  15. The most my father ever did when he got mad was say “shit” in a quiet voice. My mom would spew smoke from her nose and ears, but she never got violent.

    The woman who took the hammer to the cell phone is certifiable.

    [Reply]

  16. speaking of John Holmes, has anyone ever noticed that House (Hugh Laurie) and John Holmes look more than just a little bit alike.

    [Reply]

  17. Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……..

    I can’t come up with any parental blow-ups personally, at least not at the moment, but have witnessed on more occasions than I’m comfortable with the trailer trash mom with 4 or 5 buzzed cut hicklets snapping out on one of her progeny in a public setting(restaurant, supermarket, wholesale warehouses, etc.)
    The infraction always seems to be over something trivial like a toy or a box of cereal, and the red faced buffalo of a mother just goes freaking ballistic and beats the shit out of the kid in public.
    Could never understand that and always wanted to call CYS on the bitch but never did.

    [Reply]

  18. I fear I am going to be the hammer to the cell phone lady. Must seek help early.

    I had a friend with a crazy mom in Jr High. She once showed up at the door of their condo like the hooked guy in the ‘Last Summer’ movies. Scared the crap out of us.

    [Reply]

  19. OK so now its JJ and Michael, like on Good Times. So I suppose you will be James Evans, Sr and Toney will be Florida Evans. I realize that you don’t have a ‘Thelma’, hovever.

    Let us know whenever the older boy formerly known as ‘Secret’ lets out a well-timed and wacky “Dy-no-mite!”. Also, let us know how young Michaels political and social activism are coming along.

    ….”Not gettin’ hassled, not gettin’ hustled”….

    [Reply]

  20. We’ll start calling Nancy – Wilona.

    [Reply]

  21. shinywilly – I was saw a woman eating a garden salad complete with fork while driving. I definitely did a double-take on that one.

    Once while having a spaghetti dinner, my step-sister refused to it. She was/is a real bitch, especially to my mother, so my mom just snapped one day and dumped the whole plate of spaghetti on her head! It was quite frightening at the time, as my mother is a patient woman, and now I find it oh so hilarious.

    And my step-father would get pissed about us not cleaning our rooms so he would storm in and take all the drawers out of the dressers and dump them on the floor, he’d overturn our toy boxes and pull the mattresses off the beds. Then he would leave and my mother would help us clean up. I don’t speak to the bastard but my sister asked him about it one day and he doesn’t remember ever doing it! Of course, that was because he was always drunk.

    [Reply]

  22. You know how every neighborhood has the dad all the kids are scared of? Big Lou was the dad all the dads were scared of.

    Seriously, he could make a drill instructor piss his pants and cry like a toddler who really, really needs a nap. A “full-Lou” as we called it was pretty spectacular and no fun at all.

    I know that he once destroyed a dining room chair by raising it straight up and slamming it down onto its legs agian. It splintered into peices.

    He also decapitated one hafl of a six pack of glass bottles of pop when he threw a fouth bottle at them. The base of the thrown bottle went through the 3 that were still in the cardboard carrier.

    The remote control was held together with tape from being thrown against the walls. Usually it hit the walls becuase the person it was aimed at moved.

    I know he once broke a couch when he threw me into it. My back cracked one of the back supports. Didn’t hurt, the cushions were thick, but they transfered the shock to the couch pretty well.

    There are other examples.

    I took a Dale Carnagie course once, and one of the “excercises” is about how to use emption in your talks. They told us you could either be really happy or really angry. I came out with a half-Lou and won the award that night. I’m not sure if it was because I was the best that night or if they were worried about what would happen if I didn’t win.

    QUESTION: Now that England is checked off the “Dream Vacation” list, what’s next, and why there?

    [Reply]

  23. My mother used to lose it and beat the crap out of us kids with a curtain rod. She had this kind of martial arts things she could do with it. Then somewhere in the midst of the beating she would see that her rods were bent in half and she’d start screaming “look what you kids made me do!”

    Ah, those were the good old days.

    [Reply]

  24. Unfortunately, this was an abuse situation….When I was in 4th grade, me and a guy named Mark decided to stay outside for an extra 10 minutes during recess. Well, I finally decided to go back to class and took my lumps, but Mark was pushing it for all he could. Our teacher finally went and tracked him down and made him take a note home to his parents, to let them know about our behavior. Well, Mark doesn’t show up for school for the next 3 days. On day 4 when he walked in, I think I actually said, “what the hell happened to you!”. Our techer audibly gasped. Mark looked like he had been in a turkish prison. He was literally beaten black and blue with giant welts and scrapes all over his body. From head to toe! He told us that his Dad had flipped out when he read the note and had beaten him with his fist and his belt buckle. He was hospitialzed. That is why he didn’t show up for school for 3 days. This happened in 1973. Back then, they normally didn’t take your kids from you, but they took Mark. He was in school for another day or so and he had to go live with another family. Never saw him again.

    [Reply]

  25. Podcast…good start.

    QUESTION: (I feel like Dwight Schrute),

    When’s the call-in web cast begin?

    [Reply]

  26. Things didn’t usually get violent in our house, but I once said something really snarky to my mother when I was in my late teens, and she swung a vacuum cleaner attachment at me several times, connecting once or twice. And she was famous for her verbal tirades laced with creative and frequently bizarre profanity combinations, as well as the threat “I’ll spank your bare bottom!”

    My father, on the other hand, was (and is) a master of the quiet, disgusted stare, combined with a few hours(or days) worth of the cold shoulder treatment if the infraction was deemed severe enough. I don’t ever remember him hitting me, and he seldom raised his voice, although when he did he was capable of making the walls shake, and I have no doubt he would’ve kicked my ass had it ever been necessary.

    [Reply]

  27. Oh, we used to get my mom REAL MAD when we would laugh as she was beating us with a wooden spoon/yard stick/hairbrush/whatever she could reach at the time. She weighs about 100 pounds soaking wet, so she wasn’t so tough. She is Sicilian, though, so when she was pissed SHE WAS PISSED. Good times.
    Another time my dad got so fed up with my room being a mess that he put everything in garbage bags and threw them in the back yard. All I did was dig through them when I wanted something. That pissed him off too.

    Are you beginning to understand why I don’t have kids?

    Happy Tuesday, Surfers!
    Green Day at the Fox Theater in Oakland tonight!

    [Reply]

  28. Risking slipping into therapy I will divulge that I was one of five children that was routinely on the whooping end of parental insanity. My Mother was basically Bi-Polar and would fly into fits. Destroy the entire bedroom and then say ‘cleanup this mess’. The repeated beatings for minor offenses or offenses perpetrated by others or things the happen months before (rekindled by some other event) . It was not fun.

    I could go on for days but let me just say my Mother made a Marine Drill Sergeant look like a San Francisco Music Teacher on ecstasy.

    [Reply]

  29. Your kids are black?

    [Reply]

  30. My Dad never yelled much, it was more of a “beller” and a belt using came into play at some point. My mother on the other hand would beat us with whatever implement she could get her hands on, which was usually either a fly swatter or a limb from a small tree. Both were comical and totally uneffective. She would also get so mad at us that she would spell curse words. You D-A-M-N kids are going to be the death of me. The best ever was during a grilling if our attention span waned she’d ask if we thought she was talking just to hear her head rattle, and if you laughed then that’s when she’d meet Dad at the door crying and the whole “bellering and belting” deal would go down. In retrospect we should have been beaten much more than we were.

    [Reply]

  31. I’m usually mild mannered, but my (now ex-) in-laws had been visiting for almost a week, and they invited other in-laws, and I’d just about had it with them. My father-in-law said something about the way I’d cooked a roast that I was just bringing out to the table, so I stood over the trashcan and just let it slide right in. Then I threw the tray onto the counter and walked out. It sounds kind of Springer-ish now that I’m retelling it. I’d never done anything like that before, or since! I swear!

    I came back a couple of hours later, and nobody said anything about the roast incident. I have no idea what they had for dinner that night.

    [Reply]

  32. JJ and Michael?/??

    HELOOOO!!!

    Good Times, right?

    [Reply]

  33. don’t want to go into great detail, but that movie, “Mommy Dearest” strikes a familiar cord with my sister and I. Oh, and her husband used to make us do push-ups when we were bad, you know like leaving a sock on the floor or something equally offensive.

    [Reply]

  34. My mom used to to yell, scream and curse like the bastard son of a sailor and a truck driver, then immediately make the sign of the cross. I guess doing that erased the sin of permanently ruining the minds of two youngsters. My hub’s mom once chased his bad ass around a dining room table for a few rotations. I guess his chubby ass got tired cause he turned round and put up his hand and said, “Stop!”. She didnt, and got a broken nose.

    [Reply]

  35. My mom worked midnights at the local hospital and slept from around 7 in the morning until 3 (when her story came on TV). Well, during one summer, me and my brother were making all kinds of racket in the living room way before wake up time and my mother came busting out of her bedroom with a pissed, pig-bloodied Carrie White look on her face and just started beating the hell out of my brother’s chest. Now, my mother was 5 ft nothing and 110 lbs. My brother just kinda stood there during the whole “beating” and said “what are you doing”? She was inflicting absolutely no pain on him, but was just loony with madness. Funnier’n hell!!

    [Reply]

  36. Well, not me, but I think I already mentioned this and it seems oddly relevant again.
    I recently saw the good times where Michael was being harrassed by a bully and instead of fighting him he invited him over for the weekend.
    Well the bully was being a shit so Dad took him in the bedroom and beat him with a belt. The kids all made jokes about what kind of beating he was getting.

    [Reply]

  37. My mom is 5 foot one maybe and probably weighs 110 wet with two pairs of clothes on and skates. So I was bigger than her when I was about ten. My younger brother when he was 12. So she routinely hit us with random objects! The best time was when she threw a cast iron skillet at me! Thank jeebus for my quick reflexes and faster feet as I ran out the house!!

    [Reply]

  38. I can sort of understand the hammer to the cell phone. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time the kid had ignored her. But to get bent out of shape because it needed charging is weird.
    what was the text?

    “brb, my mom says I need to charge th

    [Reply]

  39. “went down to the basement and repeatedly hit it with a hammer, scooped up some of the shards, and hurled them into the woods off their back deck.”

    Was that the kid or the cell phone, oh please be the child! It’s about time parents took control and straightened out some of them text-messaging beasts. I get so fed up with them in the movie theathre just click away with cell phones glowing in the dark or sitting in church and all you can hear during prayer is clicking and snickering.

    [Reply]

  40. When we were kids we lived next door to this little kid named “Booger”. He was always up to no good. He lived there with his grandmother, who they called “Granny”, and his dad “Randy”. Booger was a little pervert for a 13 year old and he was always looking for somewhere to stick it. My brother and I would sit on the back porch and watch him fuck watermelons and whatnot.

    One evening Granny had bought some Velveeta to make cheese dip, but Booger was out back with it. He’d bored a hole in it and was “fucking it” when Randy (his dad) got home. I heard some screaming and Granny said, “He’s out back humping my cheese!” We died laughing. But Randy grabbed him up by the arm, threw all of his clothes in the back yard, and made him stand on the front porch naked with a piece of cardboard that had the words, “I FUCK CHEESE” scribbled across it. He was still standing there hours later when we got back from dinner. But as far as I know he never fucked another inanimate object.

    My mother thought it was so funny that she was calling friends all over town, begging them to drive by and look at him.

    [Reply]

  41. I’m with Dogberryjr on the deep dark place thing. This was certainly dangerous territory for Jeff to venture into, judging by the responses. I think he said no abuse stories, people!

    That said, I did observe a neighbor completely lose his shit during a loud, very public argument with his wife. He ended the disagreement by jumping in his car and doing donuts on their large, meticulously groomed yard. Being that it was the wife who did the meticulous grooming, his revenge was undoubtedly sweet. Right up until the divorce and requisite alimony payments with attached “lawn repair” fee, I’m sure.

    [Reply]

  42. Well, so much for nachos tonight, Jason. Cheese lovers, dairy farmers, and the entire state of Wisconsin thank you for that story.

    [Reply]

  43. We never found the cheese. My brother and I peeked in their back yard for it but didn’t see it. We concluded that they must have thrown it away. NOBODY would knowingly eat cheese that’s been fucked – not even Granny and Randy.

    [Reply]

  44. @Jason – funnier’n hell !

    [Reply]

  45. @Jason – ROTGLMFAO!!!

    [Reply]

  46. Jason, you might be a fucked up pervert too if you watched this 13 year old boy fuck a watermelon and a piece of cheese.

    having said that, your comment gave me the biggest laugh out loud I have had at work in months

    [Reply]

  47. @Jason – So thats why they call it Government cheese…

    [Reply]

  48. LOL Shiny Rod!

    [Reply]

  49. “I FUCK CHEESE” This needs to be on the back of the next WVSR tee shirt

    [Reply]

  50. It needs to be someone’s Halloween costume.

    [Reply]

  51. Velveeta is not Cheese- It’s Cheese food.

    [Reply]

  52. My father had some moments that would make and anger management class seem like a kindergarten sleep period. Once when my sister borrowed a boom box from one of her suitors, he spiked it on the floor like he had just scored the winning touch down at the super bowl. When my two younger brothers got caught mooching and munching the Brach’s candy at a local grocery store. They got beat from the time he picked them up until they got home. About a couple miles as the crow flies. A creditor phone and threatened to repo our furniture after he failed to make a payment, he told him he could take the furniture if he got his (@##@%$#*&%#, a whole lot of explicatives) past him. The creditor never showed up, my dad paid the bill off the next day and when they called to extend more credit the explicatives flew again. Just a few of the fun times with my dad.

    [Reply]

  53. @Gretchen – You are mean girl…

    @tadpolegal – Funny, I put some Kraft cheddar and some Velveeta on a mouse trap and the damn mice went for the Velveeta every time.

    [Reply]

  54. Mean? What did I do?

    [Reply]

  55. @Shiny Rod- Mice are stupid. They take food from a wooden trap that snaps their necks even after they see what happened to all their other little mouse friends.

    [Reply]

  56. QUESTION

    Can you tell us about the alleged “wedding” of Nancy and Nostrils? Were you there?

    I would also like to know more about Mr. Tophat. I teach 8th grade and when a kid threatens to get home schooled I tell them tale of Mr. Tophat. They love it. When kids get expelled, and other students ask where they went, I simply reply that they will most likely be taking Mr. Tophat to prom.

    [Reply]

  57. My mom was getting a slab of bacon out of the freezer when I made some smart ass comment. Needless to say…I got whacked on the head with that slab of frozen bacon. That hurt.

    [Reply]

  58. My mom was a master of the yardstick. She routinely broke them on my brother’s butt. She routinely tells the “cute story” about shopping in KMart one day and a guy came out of the stock room slapping a yardstick against his leg as he walked. My brother of course freaked out thinking he man was gonna get him. She thinks that cute, I don’t think she gets it.

    She also handsawed off the posters from my four poster bed one time because she thought I could have more options on bed placement in the room if the posters were gone. Guess what? It’s like cutting your own hair, a little here, a little more there, not quite even, a little more on the right. For years after I moved out she asked when I was going to take that off her hands. Ummmm, NEVER.

    Fortunately she seems much more normal now.

    [Reply]

  59. My father has always been one of those big guys who never really had to whip up on the kids (I’m the youngest of seven), simply because he could reach for his belt and all bad activity would cease.

    But there were a total of two situations that stand out:

    The first time was when I was in about the 2nd grade and my older brother kept taking off on my bike. In total freak-out fashion, I went screaming into the house to complain and my dad asked what all the commotion was. I very ignorantly replied: “That, that, that… FUCKER took my bike!” Yea, that didn’t go over so well. And at the age of 45, I have not since used the “F” word in front of my dad.

    The second time was not so long after that. Our family had a clean plate policy (which my parents now admit was wrong, by the way). The smell of cooked yellow squash can make me gag. But, that was what was on the menu.

    As I sat at the table by myself for at least 45 minutes after everyone had finished staring at my squash, my dad walked into the kitchen and said, “What the hell is going on here?” I cried the words, “I don’t like squash” and just about then, my dad went to give me a solid whack but instead struck his finger on the chair breaking it! (The finger, not the chair). Oh shit!

    Needless to say, I inhaled the squash. But my dad had to go to the emergency room and have the finger set, and before he got home, all the other kids in the family tormented me over what a bad, thoughtless kid I was for making my dad break his finger.

    And my dad never found reason to hit me again, but my mom found a new tactic. Whenever I wouldn’t do something they wanted me to do, my mom would just look me square in the eyes and say, “Remember the squash.” Even as a 16 year old, that was some affective shit.

    [Reply]

  60. Whenever I lose my mind and get mad, people just laugh at me..(this includes my family.)

    Question: Why doesn’t anyone take me seriously?

    Question: Do you think I need psychological help?

    Question: If you could change places with someone for a day (assume their life, body, identity,etc…) who would it be and why?

    [Reply]

  61. JJ & Michael?
    Is this freaking Good Times now?lol

    DynoMITE!

    [Reply]

  62. My wife and I and our 3 kids were in Lowes one afternoon and our oldest who was about 13 at the time was being his usual wise-ass self, picking on his younger brother and generally being disrespectful while tapping away on his gameboy. At one point my wife went to take it away from him and he grabbed it back from her. At this point I had had it just about had it and told him to “hand it over” with a look in my eyes that clearly scared the shit out of him. I then told the whole gang “let’s go” and walked out of the Lowes with the crew in tow. When we got in the car and started driving no one said a word until I pulled into the driveway of the local Goodwill store when the wise ass 13 year old asked why we were going there. I pulled to the drive through where people stop to drop off their old tax deductible underwear, got out of the car, walked inside and handed the gameboy to the nearest employee I could find. When I got back to the car, the wise ass gave me some backtalk about me not having the right to do that etc etc etc. My wfe was pissed that I gave away a 100 piece of electronic crap and the younger kids were thoroughly intimidated.

    Other parents I have related this story to look at me like I just landed a jetliner in the Hudson.

    [Reply]

  63. Bill in NC — Holy cow, your cojones must be gigantic!!. Please tell me your wife didn’t go out and buy your son a replacement. That would just negate the usefulness of whispering “Gameboy” whenever one of your children gets out of hand.

    [Reply]

  64. My old man used to politely ask us before each and every car trip to go grab him a willow switch from the big tree growing in our front yard. If you came back with a puny little short one, he would instead go out and pull down an Indiana Jones sized whip to hold in between the front seats. Dad would turn it around on us if anybody got rowdy in the car, and was deadly accurate, to the point of whipping a cookie out of my brother’s hand as he snatched it from a picnic basket. Hilariously funny until you did something wrong, and then you cowered in fear of the willow switch.

    [Reply]

  65. QUESTION:
    Where do you find all of those crazy pictures for the Bunker Cam?

    QUESTION:
    Did you ever install Linux on the old pizza box?
    Wouldn’t matter to me either way, just curious.

    QUESTION:
    You have not had an apple butter craving in a few years.
    Did I just remind you to have one?

    QUESTION:
    We want to know a little more about the “book”
    No spoilers, just a short synopsis will do.

    QUESTION:
    Who are some of YOUR favorite web writers?
    What are YOUR go-to sites? (Cannot mention the music one, we already know about that.

    QUESTION:
    How did you know Andy was the dog for you?
    How did you two meet?
    Why is he named Andy?

    QUESTION:
    What item can you NOT live without other than music and food?

    [Reply]

  66. I don’t have any crazy parenting stories about myself or others. But I am sure it is because I have blocked them all out.
    The public humiliation for fucking cheese was epic.

    [Reply]

  67. OH!
    If you are going to do a podcast, I am going to require some inflection in your voice this time around. You are NOT ALLOWED to read your podcast.

    Hell, just let me interview you.
    I’ll crack that damn shell of yours.

    QUESTIONS, PEOPLE!!

    [Reply]

  68. Now who here hasn’t been beaten with a section of Hot Wheels tracks? Really.

    [Reply]

  69. OMG .. SAM
    I think I was.
    Good times

    AND JEFF
    Your chosen names for the secrets
    is not acceptable.

    Try again

    [Reply]

  70. I have a parent gone wild story from my grandmother…..

    She was french and apparently had quite a temper. My father was apparently really agitating her when he was a kid, so she took a big swing at him. He ducked, and she dislocated her shoulder

    Talk about throwing a haymaker!

    [Reply]

  71. I’m skipping my childhood stories as we’ve already had enough “hi-LAR-ious” abuse tales…

    But I did see my sister-in-law lose it once on a 3 year old. Not physically, thank God, but she’d just had one of those days and suddenly screamed “Jesus Christ, stop breathing all my OXYGEN!” Quieted the tadpole down for a bit.

    [Reply]

  72. I liked “the secrets”…

    Almost spit out my coffee over the cheese story and for some odd reason this is the most laughing I have ever done while reading the comments. My cube neighbors must think I am nuts!

    QUESTION! Who is Mr. Tophat?

    [Reply]

  73. Bill in NC – even if he gets another gameboy, he’ll BELIEVE YOU next time. and, hopefully, the little ‘uns won’t test you, either.
    I took away my son’s Wii controllers for ignoring me one time too many and now I forgot where I put them. oops.

    [Reply]

  74. At first I couldn’t remember a thing but something just popped up! Aaaah, the slow side effects of booze….

    My dad has always seemed a bit bi-polarish. More spoiled than anything though. When he wants something, he turns into a child to get it.
    When I was 15, my rich uncle died, leaving my parents his 80′s-something Nissan Z convertible. (At the time it was maybe 6 years old, but sweet as hell). My mom didn’t like paying the insurance on the car and was constantly bugging my dad to sell it. He kept refusing. It was also breaking down and stuff, so it was costing a lot in repairs.
    One morning my mom was driving me to school, but had to follow my dad in the Z to a auto place to once again fix the car. She was pissed and bitching & when we got there she railed about selling it. Without warning, my dad got back in the Z, reversed like something in a movie, then drove as fast as he could into a nearby brick wall. Since it was such a short distance there was no damage to dad or wall, but the car’s front was pretty messed up. Then he got out, looked at the front end and started laughing, similar to the way Tom Hanks does in Money Pit. A maniacal, debolical laugh.
    To this day he says he doesn’t remember doing that…..

    [Reply]

  75. @CitizenX – Don’t give Jeff such a hard time, he’s finally experiencing his “Roots”!!!

    @Gretchen – An “I Fuck Cheese” halloween costume? Thats about as bad as a tea bag costume.

    [Reply]

  76. @Shiny Rod: Oh it’s in poor taste, but it’s not mean.

    [Reply]

  77. Well, mean to the cheese, maybe.

    [Reply]

  78. Where is the Wednesday update?

    Did Toney buy a block of cheese this week at the store, and Jeff is out back o the compound givin it da bidness?

    [Reply]

  79. @bennigan’s nazi – after reading Jason’s post, Jeff removed all cheese products from the compound fearing the weiner tugging translucent might decide to whip up an little cheeze whiz!!!

    [Reply]

  80. When I was a freshmen in high school, we had a pretty good basketball team. One away game, we were getting “homered” pretty bad the whole game. At the very end, our post player John and I both got flagrantly fouled but neither ref called anything. John’s dad, Big John, a truck driver who was about 6’6″ and 300 lbs but the nicest guy you could imagine when he wasn’t at a basketball game, had been going nuts the whole game. Well, they didn’t call anything, time ran out, and we lost. At this point, I turn around and see Big John, who had been sitting in the fourth or fifth row, stood up, took one giant step ONTO the scorer’s table and landed about ten feet out on the court right in front of one of the refs. Meanwhile my dad and another guy are scrambling out of the stands to try and stop Big John from crushing this guy. We’re all stunned and just watching this unfold. This ref basically wets himself and just sort of crumples. The other ref is running for the door, the coaches are trying to grab people. Quite the scene. The next day, our principal calls the entire basketball team into his office and asks us if we feel like our parents are putting too much pressure on us. We say, no, of course not, why are you asking? Good times, good times… This was also the game where our coach told us at halftime to “get out there and rub their dicks in the dirt!”
    I’m telling you, if you ever need to motivate a bunch of 14 year olds, that will do it.

    [Reply]

  81. @ Shiny Rod: Don’t you mean “Cheese Jizz”?

    [Reply]

  82. Damn, no update, I might get some work done tonight!

    [Reply]

  83. This is a public service announcement:

    If you’re going to fuck cheese you should stay away from the harder stuff like Parmesan. Also, cream cheese seems like a good idea, but it isn’t. Burns your pee hole.

    [Reply]

  84. QUESTION:

    Do the secrets know about the WVSR? Do they read it? If not, what the hell do they think you are doing in the basement all the time? Is there a chance they are reading it and you don’t know it?

    [Reply]

  85. ZAZU – you need to sign up for the top secret updates. Membership has it’s privileges.

    “Then the transparent children acted out some sort of convoluted and disturbing scene with their LEGO characters. The oldest, as usual, dominated. He was cranking off a series of terrifying voices, sometimes layered as if several people were talking at once. It was scary as hell, like the phone calls in the original Black Christmas.

    He kept shouting about someone called “Mr. Tophat,” and grew angrier and angrier at this fictional character, until his face was blood-red.”

    [Reply]

  86. Once, after finishing his business on the throne, my Dad discovered that he was a victim of the TP game. (Similar to the milk game, where you put the empty milk container/bag back in the fridge instead of preparing and opening a new one.) After realizing the roll was empty and that there wasn’t a spare nearby, he became quite enraged. Not sure how he cleaned up but he then proceeded to gather up every square of shit stick in the house – he emptied the linen closet and every other bathroom – and kept it with him for the rest of the evening, daring anyone to ask for it.

    [Reply]

  87. Jeff, here’s the latest blog to rip off your content, images and all:
    http://thispiggy.com/2009/04/15/fast-food-reality/

    [Reply]

  88. I’m sad when JK says “see ya tomorrow”. Which is now today and still no update…….

    Good Morning Surf Reporters….

    [Reply]

  89. Check it out! Your fast food comparison page is being Dugg this morning!

    http://digg.com/food_drink/Fast_Food_Reality_PICS

    Congrats!

    [Reply]

  90. @ Luke – They give props to the surf report at the bottom of the page. I was about to get hocked off about it too ’til I saw it, way down at the bottom.

    [Reply]

  91. Yes, but couldn’t they have found their own bastardized fast food to take a pic of? It’s not real hard!

    [Reply]

  92. I had a normal, boring childhood. No stories.

    QUESTION: When you trim your nose hair, do you pluck it or use a mechanical device?

    [Reply]

  93. QUESTION: I’d like to hear some stories from the early days of the printed WVSR. Speaking both as someone just curious about the roots of this institution, and as someone else who spent much of their “youth” in an unusually close relationship with their Glue Stick and P.O. Box (though mini-comics were more my thing).

    [Reply]

  94. QUESTION: Where is our new update?

    [Reply]

  95. Leave Jeff alone, he’s busy researching my Yuengling question. Of course, the state of WV has screwed everything up and delayed us getting the golden elixer another month. Bastuds!

    [Reply]

  96. QUESTION: Has the ever-so-reliable internet once again shit the bed?

    [Reply]

  97. I feel like biting someone….

    [Reply]

  98. Hey, Tammie.
    Bite Me!

    [Reply]

  99. I just left me a semi-snarky comment at that ripoff site that attributed Jeff’s hard work way the FUCK down the page. Can’t let the bastards get away with that kind of backhanded compliment!

    Oh, and as for ‘losing it’ moments – as someone who was once a kid, and as someone who is now a parent, I have my share. The best one I’ve heard though is from I guy I used to date, who, as a kid, was so very naughty one rainy (and presumably very LONG day) that his mom, after shouting at all 3 sibs repeatedly through the day, finally snapped. She screamed “WATCH ME!” to the hooligans, picked out a nice can of spray whipped cream from the fridge, and started spattering dairy graffiti all over the kitchen walls. Word has it that the house got very quiet very quickly thereafter. Effective AND tasty message-making! Inspired!

    [Reply]

  100. Haroxdan, I was wondering who’d “bite” on that golden opportunity. I should have known it would be you…

    [Reply]

  101. On the digg there was no credit to the surf report yesterday. I sent them a message about that. I may have used the word fucknossle.

    I am glad they saw the error of their ways.

    [Reply]

  102. Oh yeah, lectures work great! I remember my brother-in-law, who is a lawyer and therefore very good at long dissertations, lecturing my nephew one day. He went on and on, and you could see the pain in my nephew’s face. You knew he was thinking “Please, anything but this! Beat me please, anything but this!”

    [Reply]

Leave a Reply

Read the Novel!

Paperback and Kindle

So, who is this guy?

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

Become a Surf Report VIP!

Join the mailing list and stay up to date on the latest Surf Report shenanigans. Once subscribed, you will also be granted access to occasional super-secret updates the more casual readers will never see.

Sign up today and receive a free gift! More info here.

Name:
Email:

Automatic Updates

There are two easy ways to receive Jeff's updates automatically, as if by voodoo black magic...