Our Weekend Away From Computers
On Friday and Saturday afternoons I got away from the computer for a while, and it was fantastic.
I once read a Dean Koontz novel that featured people who became one with their machines. Their faces actually melded with the monitors, and the whole thing was powered by the beating of their hearts. It was pretty creepy, and I worry it’ll someday happen to me.
Steve was in the area on Friday, so I met him for lunch at Five Guys. I ordered a cheeseburger with tomatoes, lettuce, onions, and green peppers. And that’s what I received, except somebody apparently believes pickle slices are tomatoes. Blecch. Even after I removed the horrible things, I could taste the residue.
Steve came bearing gifts, as usual, and gave me an enormous Magnolia Thunderpussy t-shirt. Very cool. He also received two copies of Beatles Monopoly for Christmas, and gave the extra to the Secrets (I still need to choose new internet names for them). And he allowed me to transfer an assortment of bizarre and obscure microbrews from the trunk of his car to mine, which is always appreciated.
After lunch he was going to run some errands, at Target and places like that. I really needed to get back to my “book,” but hated the thought of face-melding with my computer again. So, I went with him, and we mocked everything as far as the eye could see. Just like we’ve been doing since Nixon was president.
Our last stop of the afternoon was Wegmans, to peruse their outstanding beer selection. There’s always an “expert” on hand to answer your questions, and be of assistance. Oh, this is a high-class operation… I asked if they were ever going to be stocking Fuller’s London Pride, which Toney and I discovered and loved on our England trip.
“Follow me,” our beer steward said, and led us to a shelf containing four six-packs of the stuff. I nearly wept. Each six was priced at $11.99, but I’m an old pro at justifying such things. If you ever need any help on that front, just drop me an email. I can take you from overwhelming guilt, to believing you actually got a deal, in seconds flat.
The next day Toney and I cleaned up the house, which was a freaking disaster area. I finally dealt with the knee-deep mound of crapola I’d transferred from the bunker to the family room, and we whipped the place into shape while guzzling Five O’Clock coffee. It sucked, but I’m glad we did it. I don’t like cleaning, but I like having cleaned.
The older Secret was invited to an “Airsoft war,” and the rest of us went running around and doing this and that. We ended up at Five Guys again, which is fine by me. This time they figured out what a tomato is, which made it much better.
The younger youngling wanted to walk through the flea market, which Toney hates, so we did a real quick lap around that white trash jamboree. A woman was selling large postal envelopes full of uncooked perogies near the front door, which caused me to do a rare triple-take.
A Civil War veteran had a stand filled with old cigarette lighters, campaign buttons, and various advertising trinkets. I like that kind of stuff, so I lingered for a few minutes. And I found a box filled with old fashioned keys, sorta like this one, priced at $3 each.
Who in the hell would pay three bucks for a useless key?! I laughed at the thought, as I rummaged through the box. Then I found one I was oddly attracted to. I held it in my hand, and the thing seemed to have special powers or something. So I bought it.
I can’t explain it… But the old guy nodded knowingly as I handed him the money (WTF?). I’m going to carry it in my pocket, as a good luck charm. Do you have anything like that? Do you keep something with you, to ward off the bad spirits or whatever? Tell us about it, if you do.
At Sam’s I decided I wanted to check my blood pressure, on their machine in the pharmacy. And there was a line! Two people were ahead of me, and it got me all agitated. When it was finally my turn, it registered in the “high normal” category. Toney said it probably would’ve been normal, if I hadn’t gotten so worked-up about the crowd.
But seriously, it was a blood pressure machine, not the Good Humor man. It still bothers me.
After Sam’s we went to Lowe’s, where we looked at bathroom stuff. We’re toying with the idea of remodeling our upstairs crapatorium, and are in the pricing stage — which can last for upwards of a year.
We saw a toilet with two buttons on top of the tank, instead of a regular flush handle. One is for “solids,” and the other is for “liquids.” Apparently it’s to help save water, or somesuch.
This, of course, kicked off a lengthy discussion. “What about diarrhea?” I asked. “Would that be considered liquid, or solid?” “Yeah, and vomit!” Toney offered. “It’s usually liquidy, but thick.” Can you see why we’re a perfect match?
But the younger Secret had the best line. He brought up the oldest translucent, and how Eninen had to use a soup spoon (or whatever) to pry the granite-like turds from him. “He’d need one with a third button, marked ‘rock solid.’”
He kills me. I have a feeling he’ll be taking over the Surf Report, once my heart says fukkit.
On Saturday we got caught up on LOST and Friday Night Lights, and that’s pretty much the highlight of our weekend away from computers.
What did you guys do? Anything exciting? Tell us about it in the comments.
As promised, I added a metric shitload of Smoking Fish pics on Sunday. You can see them here, and here, and here. Keep ‘em coming, folks! Our logo, man, he gets around.
Also, I’m going to keep linking to mockable dot org, until there’s a revolt. So, let me know when it’s starting to get on your nerves, and I might start thinking about knocking it off.
I’ll have more of this stuff tomorrow.
See ya then!
Filed under: Daily
first?
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booya!!
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3! Kinda 2.
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Top 5!!!!
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Tada!
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Top 10!! Time to go back and read now…
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SEIS!! Fantastico!!
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Sixth. Over the weekend I mowed my lawn, cleaned the gutters, and flashed the old lady next door from my roof.
She laughed at me and I considered jumping off the roof, then I remembered that saturday was ladie’s night at Bennigan’s and I was sure to get some good tips from the desperate old women who don’t know I have a tiny pecker.
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I always wonder how those people (like the key guy) end up collecting so many of something, yet sell them. I mean, I can see hoarding something for years and having a crapload of them, but if you trade in them, how the hell do you keep a supply of, say, classic doorknobs going.
These are the things that clog my mind.
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……
I think the key unlocks the secret stash horded away by the Civil War vet. He nodded knowingly because JK was the one who took a $3 chance at a “worthless” key.
But the key actually permits access to a world of unlimited wealth and knowledge.
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Jeff-
I use a pointy stick to ward off the bad spirits.
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Blood pressure machines always creep me out. What if they don’t stop inflating? I know, I know, there’s a emergency release button. What if that doesn’t work? My blood pressure is rising just thinking about strapping in one.
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howdy y’all
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Was at a baseball tournament all weekend. I feel like I’ve been sandblasted with spittle-dirt, seared on one side by the sun, then flash frozen all in two incredibly exhausting days. I’m looking forward to glossing this over in future memories as the most relaxing weekend of the entire two child-two different teams-never in the same freaking town on the same night-what the hell was I thinkin-baseball season. Good Times.
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I finally made it to a 5 guys during last week’s trip to Houston (ugh). Pretty good, I’d say. When I got to the counter, they asked if I had ever been there before (no) and they gave me the rundown of how everything worked. Pretty cool.
I went all the way.
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When I want to sell a house I bury a little St. Joseph statue in the front yard. Works. I consider my wallet to be good luck. I’ve been using the same one for nearly 20 years now.
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I’m glad I raked the yard this weekend, because it’s SNOWING in Ohio today!! I think it’s really a bad (and late) April Fool’s joke.
I have a bottle cap from a Matilda Bay wine cooler from when I was 17 that I have kept in my purse since then. Don’t really know why, I don’t think anything exciting happened, but I still have it.
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I had a mildly exciting weekend. I was in New York, and was lucky enough to attend the David Lynch TM benefit concert as Radio City Music Hall. The show was billed as an evening with “Paul McCartney and Friends”, one of whom was Ringo Starr. It was pretty f” in amazing…
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I’m gonna try that, Jason – we’ll be selling our flat in San Francisco soon. I’ll let you know if it works for me. No superstitious stuff here, though, surprisingly.
Took the Beast to the beach yesterday. 75 here this weekend!
Happy Monday, Surfers!
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I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled at one time (20 years ago). They all came out perfectly intact, so since then, I have always carried one of the teeth in a little silk pouch in my purse so I always have a just a little wisdom.
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Knucklehead,
Just in case you have trouble finding one:
http://www.stjosephstatue.com/
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In the bunker cam, George looks like he just found out he was getting a star on the walk in Hollywood.
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So Jeff, are you insinuating that they add a third button for in-between times? Maybe they should also add a kid button that opens a larger hole to accommodate the extra paper and/or roughage being delivered to the bowl. Hey and add a fart sensor that shoots a blast of fresh air to help dissipate the oncoming whiffage.
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My 2 cents on the St. Joseph Statue. It’s been buried in my unsold home’s backyard for two and a half years.
#%&*!@#! Market.
I have a whole bunch of old weird keys that I compulsively purchase. It’s kind of a sickness once you get going, be careful Jeff.
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@JCIII – That would be in Confederate dollars.
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@Knucklehead – Put a big rainbow out front, it will sell real quick then…
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I consult my 8-ball before making any decisions, and carry a thermonuclear bomb in a briefcase wherever I go (just to be on the safe side).
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I did two fists of fuck-all this weekend and it felt great!
I have a box of old keys that someone gave me about 10 years ago. There must be over 100 keys in it of all shapes and descriptions. If anyone wants it, it’s yours for the bargain price of “you pay the shipping” (and deal with the U.S. Gov’t in case some high school dropout working for Homeland Security confuses a box of keys with weapons grade plutonium).
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What’s a fist of fuck-all?
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Strangeart1– St. Joe wants to be upside down and in your front yard.
Something dies in my office attic last night and the stench is about killing me who does one call for something like that??
I, too, found my way to Five Guys this weekend. Ours is brand new and not, shall we say, well-kept. Burger was delicious, though. Maybe for takeout?? It is four towns away from where I live…
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A fist of “fuck-all” is apparently what I am typing with today…
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@Tyrosine – I hate to be the bearer of bad news but HLS only highers college graduates. You may be confusing HLS with TFA who does higher anyone dumb enough to want to scan through people’s luggage. Matter of fact, some colleges have designed specific college curriculum (minors) to train our future level of incompetent feds.
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Strange thing harumpa, I was drawn to Five Guys this weekend. What’s up with that?
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I know what it means. And, I just spurted.
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When I’m trying to sell a house, I bury a statue of Jason upside down in the front yard.
And a can of Chef Boyardee in the back.
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@ Jason: “I did two fists of fuck-all” translates to “I did nothing”. Thanks for playing.
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NDfaninAZ- Forgot to mention the Chef! Indeed.
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HAHA You people are sick.
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We learned it from watching you, Jason. We learned it from watching YOU!
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Maybe if you mow a likeness of the virgin mary in your yard maybe you can sell enough pictures of it to religious fanatics on Ebay to pay off your house, then you can give it to homeless Rainbow lovin’ people and then you can buy a new one where you can live with Saint Joe whilst eating only Chef Boyardee and fantasizing about Jason.
Man that would be cool.
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I went to 5 Guys Friday night. Bought 2 burgers ( forgetting that they’re actually double burgers – - if you want a single you have to order a “small” burger ) which was about a half a burger too many. Buh
Saturday night got together with a bunch of friends from High School. Not a great time because the location for this unsanctioned reunion was a sports bar that was insanely loud. Think “bowling alley inside a bowling alley” — plus way too much talk about who said what to whom on Facebook, which is how this whole thing came about. I was invited by a friend who’s currenly addicted to the site. Me, I’m very busy being too cool for it.
Sunday morning I slept in until 11:00 for the first time in I-don’t-know-how-long … so the weekend wasn’t a total loss.
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I’ve got an old footlocker of shit from when I was a teenager. The prized possession is a pair of blue panties from the night I finally gave my high school girl the high hard one.
Should be interesting when I move on and the kids have to sort through that crap
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Who the hell is St. Joseph? Don’t tell me they have a catholic saint for real estate agents!
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I spent some time at Home Depot batting my eyelashes at the guy working in the lumber section so that he would cut some 2x4s to my specs. Hey, I don’t like sharp objects and haven’t recovered from watching a man in my woodworking class mangle his thumb while using the router.
Then, I went home, dug up my back yard, and prepared to plant a vegetable garden so that I won’t starve to death come the apocalypse. Found lots of junk buried in the ground – misc. cement blocks, tools, balls, ropes, toy army men, shingles (not from my house), and a shirt among other things. I know my house isn’t built on landfill, but WTF? Makes me wonder what the heck the previous owners were doing. How does stuff like that get buried? I think I’d notice if my shirt blew off as dirt was being moved around.
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St. Joseph was Jesus’ stepfather, caregiver, whatever. You know, as in “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph”. I have no idea why he got associated with the real estate business, and, what’s with the upside-down thing?
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My brother in law is FDNY. He helped with the World Trade Center. While digging, they found a bunch of WTC master keys. I have one of those, all mangled from the attacks.
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Jeff, that line from your younger secret is priceless!! Maybe you should hire him to write extras for the blog, like Buck does. LOL
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i guess maybe ringo is the most mockable after all. his face says “i’d rather have a wine cooler…”
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hi,
Those two button flushers waste more water than they save, as the ‘buttons’ usually get stuck causing the water to flow freely till the end of time, or at least till you ‘unstick’ them.
I’ve been trying to find cisterns with old fashioned pull chains, but my wife’s digging her heels in and sticking to post Victorian flushing technology.
Call me a purist!
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I just found a Five Guys right here in Columbus Ohio.. I was drawn to drive by it because I wasn’t sure if it was any good.. Well, after reading this, I am definitely going and getting an extra helping of Jeffs pickles.. hmmmm What is the deal with Jeff and Pickles? I must have missed something hahaha Hell, I’m only up to april 01 in the archives..
I love this site and more importantly, I love all you guys who comment.. The comments are as much fun as Jeff’s poetic prose. haha
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This weekend the other half and I shopped for flooring. And painted the ceiling in the guestroom. Exciting suburbanite stuff.
As for a talisman, I have this (in silver):
http://cgi.ebay.com/Tin-Silver-Stomach-Milagro-Ex-Voto_W0QQitemZ120392050233QQihZ002QQcategoryZ1447QQtcZphotoQQcmdZViewItemQQ_trksidZp1742.m153.l1262?_trksid=p1742.m153.l1262
It does shit for my acid reflux, but it sure the hell gets a conversation going.
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When I lived in Erie PA, I had the best distubutor ever! They would order any Brit beer I wanted and sell it for dirt over cost! London Pride was a mainstay, always.
Here is life in my neck of the woods this weekend, great day, great race!
http://www.gpstpete.com/
Hello to all in PA, I miss the snow……
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IN an oddly parallel weekend, I went on an overnight road trip to Ithaca with the fam and LEFT MY LAPTOP AT HOME. ON PURPOSE.
That is SO not like me, but I felt the need to consciously disengage and if I brought it with me I would have been on it in the hotel room after the concert and in the wee morning hours before the rst fo the family awoke.
AND I had lunch at 5 GUYS, here in Rochester. It was the first time for me and I loved their burgers and the cajun fries. I watched a guy sit down and FILL a brown bag (the large size) with their free peanuts while he waited for his burger. The fill another of those cardboard trays with peanuts. He didn’t even eat one. Then he fussed with his burger, took MORE peanuts and left. This really perturbed me for some reason.
And I found a new beer at the Wegman’s BeersOfTheWorldEmporium. A nice “Spring Fling Ale” from BLue Point brewery on Long Island,
A pretty good weekend – no home improvement forays here, although we need to replace the wax seal on our upstairs commode.
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Ha! The white trash jamboree! At my house we just call it the dirt mall. You’re so fancy, Jeff
So, no good luck charms here, but I was recently thinking about adopting one as my luck tends to be cruddy.
Oh, and I spent my weekend telepathically arguing with my husband. I’m pretty sure that he thought we were arguing out loud, but he was just getting the tip of the iceberg.
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Carrying one of my pubic hairs in your left shoe is said to be very lucky.
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Long time reader first time poster,
You seem a couple of years younger but grew up across the toll bridge from me, so the following thought might be of interest.
Given your love of film, have you considered Willard and Ben as screen names for the elder and younger secrets?
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@ o kristen – the 5 Guys in Houston had a sign requesting that you not take peanuts from the premises. Something about people with peanut allergies, although I don’t know why you would take peanuts if you were allergic. Maybe he was a terrorist?
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Good Americans, be aware, there are goddamn peanut terrorist amoung us. Watch ‘em – all of them.
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Hi everyone once again from Siberia, where I awoke this morning at 6:45 am to walk to work, through the snow, in order to watch a live feed of my beloved Tar Heels winning the NCAA tournament (last night there, early am here). All is well with the world, 89-72.
I am not superstitious but I save a lot of shit – somewhere in my attic there is a love note from a 3rd grade gal (her name was Toni Sincere, no kidding – born with a porn star name before there was such a thing!).
I save a lot of ticket stubs from shows, too – have them up on my bulletin board in my own bunker. Good times.
The 2-size toilet flush came out of Japan many years ago. Last time I was there my hotel room toilet had the two flushes, plus a strange Return of the Jedi spout that emerged from under the seat, squirted warm water all over uranus, then retracted again.
In public ladies toilets in Japan, the commode sometimes makes loud noises of chirping birds and crashing waves, cos Japanese women don’t like to hear the sounds of pee and poop (I’m not making this up).
Only two more weeks of this winter shit and I’m headed home – not soon enough.
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@ashton – you’re right, there was a HUGE sign saying do not take the peanuts.
The guy probably had 3 pounds’ worth
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If you like London Pride you should seek out some Bishops Finger
http://www.bishopsfinger.co.uk/
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Somehow, I don’t want to know where the Bishops Finger has been… A bit hoppy with fruity hints of Nun and a slight citrusy finish of Alter Boy, but not overpowering.
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Oh Shiny! Tee-Hee.
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I offer this with nothing but love in my heart and hope for your success, but the writing at mockable is…labored? You can see the joke coming from a mile away unlike,
“A woman was selling large postal envelopes full of uncooked perogies near the front door, which caused me to do a rare triple-take.”
which is fresh and delightful.
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Why not some names from the Big Red Machine for the secrets? Sparky and Johnny.
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@Jason – So, do I need an appointment to harvest these lucky pubes you speak of?
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NDfaninAZ– Check yr Chef Boy ar dee.
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NDfaninAZ,
I’ll mail them with the same caveat that Tyrosine put on his keys. You pay shipping and if the folks at the post office think they’re WMDs you’re on your own.
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