Our upstairs toilet needs to be lifted high above someone’s head (not mine), and hurled into a landfill somewhere. It’s no longer a reliable agent; you never know what you’re going to get with the thing. It’s like a Hitchcock movie, every time.
In fact, it’s strictly a pee-only zone at this point, because nobody wants to risk it. “Turds in the hall” are four words none of us ever want to string together.
I’m sure it’s the original crap-catcher, from when this house was built in 1966. And I shudder at the number of asses that have likely been vacuum-sealed to it since the Johnson Administration. The number of asses… and whatnot.
Plus, the opening in the seat is kinda square, if you know what I mean. Not completely square, but squareish. I’d never seen such a thing… It’s supposed to be a poop-hoop, not like shitting through a window. Ya know?
Toney talked to a plumber we’ve used over the years, and he agreed it’s time for a change. That toilet has nickel and dimed us for years, it’s just one thing after another with it. But the dude has strong opinions…
“Don’t buy any of the garbage they sell at Lowe’s or Home Depot,” he hollered. “You need to go to a real plumbing supply house!”
What the hell? Is he implying that we require an industrial shitter, that a normal-people model won’t work in our case? No, I don’t think so. I think he’s just a plumber with a lot of experience, and knows things.
He told us the model to buy, and it’s made by Kohler. I can’t remember the exact name of it. Maybe the Ticonderoga? Or was it the Enola Gay? I forget, but Toney has it written down somewhere.
We checked it out online, and the thing costs almost $500! It certainly reads like a quality product (bulk flushing!), but it oughta be. Five hundred?! Sweet sainted mother of the red spot on Jupiter!!
But I guess we’d never again have to worry about teenage “Hi-C cans,” huh? That would be a thing of the past, right? I have a feeling the Ticonderoga could handle anything you throw at it. Wow!
I’ll keep you updated on this most important of issues.
While I was driving to work yesterday, I started thinking about those ridiculous folding screens people used to prop against the inside of their windshields, to help keep their cars cool while parked. Remember those things? About five years ago they were incredibly important, and everybody had one. Now I rarely see them.
What happened? Why were they so essential in 2002, but not now? Why did everybody need one, all at the same time, then seemingly gave them up en masse? Well, I’ll tell you why… Click here for the answer.
I went to Hags ‘n’ Fags a few days ago for an “adult cut,” and the woman asked if I wanted my eyebrows trimmed. That’s a straight-up old man procedure, isn’t it? I can’t remember anyone asking that question, until recently.
What’s next? Would you like for me to grease your wattle? I don’t care for any of it…
Speaking of really old, at what age do people start drinking coffee with every meal? I think my parents recently crossed-over, and they’re, like, 67. Is that the correct time period?
I can’t imagine. “Yes, I’ll have a Burrito Supreme, two crunchy tacos, and… a large coffee.” Blecch. You certainly wouldn’t need the Ticonderoga in that situation, because it would be fully liquid.
And since we’re on this pleasant subject… I took a huge risk at work a few nights ago, and drank an Orange Crush.
Back when I had a paper route I learned that any kind of orange-flavored soda caused an instant disturbance in the lower quadrant, and I’d end up doing the knees-together brisk-walk to the bathroom. So, I risked a more than 25-year streak of never crapping at work, by guzzling that thing.
And I’m happy to report that I made it through… I experienced some light gurgling, but was able to tap into an inner strength, and ride-out the storm. Heck, I didn’t even break a sweat.
At this point I’m a seasoned professional, and it’s going to take a whole lot more than just an Orange Crush to break my spirit. I laugh in the face of Orange Crush! Ha!
What food or drink never fails to make you do the brisk-walk? Use the comments link, to bring us up to date on it. Starbucks is very, very dangerous to me. It’s something I avoid, in fact, because of that very reason. It almost always leads to noises like a nearly-empty squeeze bottle. And there’s a time and place for everything…
Heh, Priceline approved me as an advertiser yesterday. After this update, I have a feeling they’ll rescind their offer.
I’m going to stop right here, boys and girls. Tomorrow I’ll zero out the ol’ notebook, so be prepared for another disjointed mess!