The West Virginia Surf Report!

Our Experiences with New Year’s Resolutions

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Have you ever stuck with a New Year’s Resolution for more than a few weeks?  Has it worked out, even once?  Were you able to transform some part of your life by making a change, starting on January 1, and seeing it through until it became a permanent part of your daily routine?

I’ve made such pledges, and put forth a half-assed (in some cases, quarter-assed) effort during the follow-up phase.  It’s always the follow-up that’ll get you, I’ve learned…  Everything’s smooth sailing until you’re required to take consistent action.  Wotta rip-off.

A couple of times I’ve vowed to quit drinking beer, because I thought it might make me more productive.  Plus, I think I got suckered into believing that everything I enjoy must surely be killing me.  But the exercise only made me more irritable and unhappy, and my productivity didn’t change at all.

Heck, I didn’t drink THAT much, and drink even less now.  And cutting back is infinitely better than the prospect of never tasting a Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA again, for the rest of my life.  Shit!  Will somebody please hold me?

One year, if you can believe it, I actually went on a fad diet, starting on the first day of the year.  I think it was the Long Beach diet, or one of those deals.  I was going to turn my life over to it, lose sixty pounds, and foster the physique of a Black Crowe.

Ha!  I think I made it a week living under that horrible torture, before I cracked.  It seems like I was eating chicken breasts and slimy salads day and night.  My memory might be a bit skewed, but that’s how I recall it.  By the fifth or sixth day I was ready to stab someone in the face. I was starving, bored, and miserable.  I finally (after about six whole days) proclaimed it “bullshit” and went to Long John Silver’s (or somesuch).  Ahhh, and I could finally breathe again.  Sweet, sweet grease…

The last few years I’ve forgone the New Year’s Resolution altogether, because of my .000 batting average, but I want to give it another shot this year.  However, I’m going to keep my goals private.  They have nothing to do with health or diet, or any of that stuff, and more to do with my “professional” life.  I’d rather not get into it on the internet…  Not now, anyway.

But I’ll be drawing up a plan, trying to stick to it, and improving a few things.  2010 sucked a whole flat of eggs, and I’m not about to just sit around whining and wallowing in self-pity and allowing it to continue.  Funk dat.

And I’m gonna turn it over to you guys now.  I can’t write in here…  I wish you could experience just five minutes of this boolshit.  Sunny NEVER stops talking, the TV is blaring, and her lung-blower is humming and cutting in and out.  Cooome on, next Tuesday…

In the comments section, please tell us about your history with New Year’s Resolutions.  Have they ever worked for you?  What have you tried, and abandoned?  And what’s your resolution for 2011?  Please tell us about it in the comments.

And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker

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Comments

  7. I didn’t have a resolution this year. I didn’t even stay up to watch Dick slur through another fucking ball drop, or whatever. That poor guy needs a bib.

    But I did make one a few years ago. I went on that diet where all you eat is meat and I lost 40 pounds. I couldn’t believe it. I was eating steak, bacon, ham, and so on. And I love shit like that anyway. It was hard at fast food joints. Going to Taco Bell and asking for a cup of meat is weird.

    “Yes, I’d like a cupa meat. A medium cup full of taco meat. And also a diet coke.” “Uh, sir, did you say you want a cup of meat? Just taco meat?” “Yes.” “Well, um, I don’t know how to charge you for that.” “The other Taco Bell’s charge me $4.” “Okay. I guess I’ll ring it up as a taco salad with no taco and no salad.” “Perfect.”

    I finally lost my mind and have to have something crunchy besides pork rinds. So I’ve put a few of those pounds back on, but not all of them.

  8. Already started my new year changes. Quit my soul sucking job as middle managment at a plumbing distribution center and am going back to school full time using the remainder of my GI bill to study physical therapy. My wonderful wife got a nice raise this year which made these decisions possible 🙂

  10. This year I plan to stop having heart attacks. I make Fred Sanford look like a lightweight with the ticker seizing up.

    And maybe I’ll stop beating the shit out of my wife. Maybe not.

  11. I haven’t made a list since ’07, I just looked at it to confirm and yeah, not much got accomplished from that list.

    I did the long, or is it south beach diet a few years back, stuck it out for 6-8 months and lost over forty pounds. Then a change in my work schedule had me out of the office a lot of days at lunch and suddenly a wrap from Arby’s turned into a wrap with curly fries from Arby’s, once it started to unravel it didn’t take long to put the weight back on. Six months of chef salads and no more than two beers in a single day down the shitter!

    I will quit smoking this year…at some point.

    And what is the lung blower? I must have missed that tid bit.

  12. I have not, as far as memory allows me at this age, made any New Year’s resolution, ever.

    I have struggled with weight for most of my adult life, and now at 50 it has become a major issue (blood pressure, stroke risk, diabetes risk, the whole ball o’ wax) according to my Dr.

    So, since the wife decided to bulk up with me this year, we are facing a major diet/exercise issue as 2011 approaches. It sucks, but it has to be done.

    Back in 1994, I lost 44 pounds by running (I was eventually up to 7 miles every other day and could do 10 miles if I pushed myself), and eating low calorie food (white rice & veggies mostly, with some salads).

    I eliminated fat and oil (and alcohol) from my diet pretty much completely. I learned to ignore the lack of taste in the food, and would try to occupy my time with some mental activity (e.g., a crossword puzzle) when the hunger pangs came (and they came, lemme tell ya). After a while the hunger pangs go away but it takes a LOT of will power to ignore them.

    In 6 months, I lost enough weight to comfortably get into a pair of pants last worn in high school. I felt great.

    Then the (now-ex) 1st wife went bat-shit crazy on me (police involved) and I put it all back on with high cal food and beer right up to the divorce. Struggled ever since to keep the weight down.

    As you get older, you need less food, not more, so you need to exercise even more if you are continuing to eat the same volume of high cal food.

    Any Dr. will tell you: fad diets don’t work (that’s why they are “fads”). Eat less and exercise is the mantra.

    Either you eat less (1/2 to 1/3) of the same high cal stuff, or you eat lower cal food in moderate amounts. No snacks, and one or zero beers per day. On days when I skipped beer, it made the one I had the next day taste so fucking good….I learned to enjoy that feeling.

    Exercise 30-45 minutes per day (find something you like) with your heart rate > 100 per min.

    That, friends, is the Reader’s Digest version of all weight loss programs.

    So, I have given myself the pep talk I needed – New Year or no New Year, the wife and I will get to the gym this week and begin the long, slow, painful process of becoming smaller people. It’s time.

    Sorry for filling the Surf Report with weight loss hoohey – just needed to vent.

    • I’ve been putting this off for a while now, so I guess it’s a good New Year’s resolution… I’ll go back to school for my MBA, assuming I keep my current job. I work at a public university, so my tuition is paid for by my employer. How can I say no to a free MBA?

      I say “assuming I keep my current job,” because I’ve been bitching about my salary now for well over a year. Not to management, just to my friends at work… at least a couple of them are getting tired of it. Unfortunately, our salaries are directly tied to teachers’ salaries, since the university is part of the public school system. So we’ve had no pay raises now in three years.

      Supposedly we’re finally getting a pay raise in January or February… we’ll see if that actually happens. If we don’t get the raise, it’s kind of a New Year’s resolution to either demand a raise, or start looking for another job. I’m really non-confrontational though, so I’ll probably be bitching about my salary 365 days from now.

      • Whoops, that wasn’t meant as a reply to Malcolm. I still suck at this “new” Reply feature.

        Malcolm, “Eat less and exercise is the mantra”… Amen. I drink 4 to 6 beers every night, and my weight has been roughly the same for the last ten years.

        I run four times a week, and I also lift weights a couple of times a week. Also, I rarely eat out for lunch, and I eat out for dinner just a couple of times a week.

        My coworkers are always bitching about how tough it is to lose weight, or how they’ve put on 10 pounds in the last couple of months… they’ll have “weight-loss competitions” to see who can lose the most weight in a given month. Most of the time, everyone gets fatter over the course of the competition… one guy will lose a pound or two, probably because he took a shit the morning of the final weigh-in.

        They wonder why they didn’t lose any weight, since they went for three whole walks that month… of course, they’re discussing this after coming back from lunch at Five Guys. Someone will start talking about how they heard about the South Beach diet, or Body For Life, or something trendy like that… and I tell them that all of the successful diets follow the same philosophy: Eat less and exercise more.

        They all get mopey when they hear that… sorry to point out the obvious.

  13. I have given up on resolutions, as well. The never work and are a set-up for failure. I have enough disappointment in my life, thank you.

    Happy Tuesday, Surfers!

  14. About 6 or 7 years ago I resolved to quit smoking (cold turkey) and I did. Haven’t had a cigarette since, but I still want one EVERY SINGLE DAY. That’s really the only successful New Year’s resolution that I’ve ever made.
    I usually don’t make resolutions, but this year I ‘m going to seriously try to make a few fundamental changes in my life, including an attempt at a total non-existant web presence, or at least as close as I can get. I’m about 95% of the way there. I still comment on a few blogs, but I’ll stop that as well. I’m dropping off the web-grid, starting Jan. 1.

    • I stopped smoking about 15 years ago. I used the gum, which was hard as hell to keep lit. Now I use black tar heroin. I’m a lot better off. And unlike cigs, nobody complains when I use it in public.

  15. I think the further evidence link borders on child pornograghy. Fucking Frenchies… just joking it is pretty disturbing though.

  18. I think beer makes me more productive. I can never seem to get anywhere on my homework unless I’mm three or four piss beers in.

    I usually make it a point to call the idea of new years resolution as bull shit.

    About New Years, why do we choose to celebrate it when we do, or the Chinese when they do, or the Jews when they do (they have a different New Year day right?)? Why such an arbitrary day. I’ll do something special on new years when scientists or religious folk actually identify the point in space when the Earth first began its trip around Sol.

    For all you smokers and ex-smokers:

    Nothing like starting the new year with a new cigarette from a fresh pack. The smooth tear of cellophane popping off of the top of a perfect rectangular box top. Sliding that first, tightly wedged sliph of cigarette from the center of the front row, leaving a gap waiting to be widened further. Pressing your lips against the firm filter, just a half and inch from the elegant golden circles separating filter from tobacco wrapping. , your chest tightening with excited anticipation of the first drag. Lighting the tip of the cigarette with your red Bic lighter making 3 short puffs, popping the flame up and down as the orange hot cherry ignites. Taking that first long drag off the smoke, starting quickly, but slowing towards the end as the nicotine smoke fills your lungs with a hot satisfaction. Calming your nerves and popping increased light into your senses. The chemicals igniting the pleasures of that instant of euphoric release upon the nicotine entering your blood. Pleasant relaxation, for just an instant, from your head to your toes. And releasing the lingering stinging burn with a controlled quick, yet lingering, exhale. And the second toke on the softly crackling tobacco, reinforcing the pleasures had from the first over excited drag. This time taking joy in the release of faded silver smoke rising from the burning hot end of the cigarette, feeling it drift in and then out of your lungs. Your body itching for the pleasant sensation of the most instant gratification. Over and over again.

  22. I’m going to give up pork brains as of Jan 1.
    I might give up never starting smoking after reading Icy’s bit.

  25. 2011 will be a re-do of 2007, when I lost about 25 pounds and was on my way to feeling good about clothing again. Then I got happy, gave up trying, and put it all back on. Eff that noise – 2011 is seeing the advent of ‘no drinking on days that don’t have an R’ and this thing they call ‘moderate exercise.’

    If everyone around me doesn’t want to kill me b y March, I’ll count it as a win.

  27. I once proclaimed at a New Years Eve party that I was resolved to be “a nicer person” by 12:06 I had slapped a man right across his face…..and hard. That pretty much wrapped up that resolution.

    I quit drinking and smoking about 2 months ago. I really thought that I would “feel” so much better but still feel terrible when I wake up in the morning and still have no desire to work out. I did walk 45 minutes at lunch today then rewarded myself with pie.

    I have to lose weight. I am supposed to be getting married and refuse to look like this in my pictures. can. not. do. it.

    • ” I am supposed to be getting married “…I think the invitations should reflect that…” Tilly and whatstheirname are supposed to get married sometime in August…etc.
      And at least you didn’t try to drive his nuts out through his nose. He can handle a face slap. You were nice.

  28. I’m giving up being so apathetic. Ah, to hell with it, I don’t really care what you or I give up.

  29. I have ‘quit’ smoking numerous times. I never go more than 24 hours before I am ready to go full Charles Whitman. I’ve had mixed success with Atkins for weight loss. It works but man it’s a lot tougher than people think. That Sara Lee is one sexy babe to quit.

  30. I’ve never done a New Year’s resolution, but I’m going to this year, although I’m not classifying it as a resolution. I’ve realized I’ve been eating/drinking too much sugar, either via soda or sweets. I’m making it a goal to cut back, even when I go to the Philippines in February.

    I quit smoking March 17 2010, but not due to any delayed New Year’s resolution. I had been thinking about quitting for a long time and had spoke to my doctor about help via a prescription. Two days later a bunch of health issues happened and on March 17 I smoked my last cigarette on my way to have open heart surgery.

    I made a vow to work through the cravings and urges. It’s hard at times, but I’ve done it. Sometimes those cravings really grab hold and want to be the boss.

  31. After a 20+ year habit, I quit the smokes in February of 2002. Hard to believe that it will be 9 years this coming February. I still miss smoke-breaks.

  32. The only New Year’s resolution I have ever made was a few years back. I had been divorced for 10 years, had one 6 month relationship during that time, was in Iraq getting shot at, and bombed every friggin day, and thought, “WTF! am I doing? I need a fine woman to settle down with when I get home.”

    Two months later I found her (or she found me?), and have thanked God for her every day since.

    I have promised myself (and my wife), that I will try to stop smoking in a year when I ETS from the Army. I think I might as well buy stock now in any stop smoking aids out there!

    • Best New Years rez ever! Although the five months during which you had found yer woman and were still getting bombed are forever etched in her memory.

  35. Never made resolutions. There’s been times when half awake after a three day full on endurance tests of self-stanima vs. alcohol and cocaine I’d make a resolution and say…”I’m never doing that agin.” And then someone would say…”Let’s try and make it for a week!”

    However…I will try very hard though this year to abide by my two second rule (three seconds at the most) to not stare a a girls butt as she walks away. Of course if she turns and looks back to see if I am watching…I will continue to watch and ignor the timer.

  36. I am on the weight loss kick too. I know what I need to do and how to do it (after all, I used to teach it). I just need to do it MENTALLY first. I have to get my mind programmed for it and stay motivated. Your diet and motivation are 80% of it. The actual workout is the easy part. I also refuse to spend another year in my current life-sucking job. The doc I work for has his cheap, demeaning, pure evil wife run the office. Her actions this past year have topped the all time list for being a lying, back stabbing, greedy bitch. And I have had more than enough. I’ve been there 7 years too long. So, I guess I have a full plate this year. I better get busy.

  38. The apocalypse is here. The US to Canadian money conversion is 1 dollar to 1.0002 canadian dollars.

  39. I’m sorry but, the further evidence link. Did that kid? Seriously? He had. A party blower in his rear? SERIOUSLY?? I’m. Wow.

  40. The only New Year’s resolution that stuck was the year I decided to “Eat More Bratwurst.” As my friend and regular Surf Report reader Rick will attest, that year I ate more bratwurst. I was exercising quite a bit so I did not plump into one of the Bears Superfans, but damn, I ate some bratwurst. The next year I decided to swim more than I had swam the previous year. I failed that year. Failed hard. Nor did I eat as much bratwurst. Good call on the beer; though for me it’s DFH 90 min or Bell’s Hopslam (or Bell’s Oberon). We’d not be here today were it not for beer.

  41. After thinking about it for a few hours…

    * Angels sing on high*

    I am going to try to scarf down as many french fries as I can in 2011.

    With a side of cow.

  42. This year I plan to drink more beer.really! I didn’t drink much until I left my POS husband last year. then I hooked up with my best guy friend of 18 years decided screw it if you can’t beat ’em join ’em… good idea. we drink Yuengling (or ying ying as the sweet asian lady at the drive thru calls it) but we have started trying new beers. Like the Dogfish Head. I have tried 6 kinds now & love the midas touch. looking forward to September for the Punk’n Brew. I think this is the one year I will actually stick to my resolution!

  43. i don’t know if it is possible – perhaps we will have to ask one of those people who make scoring decisions in MLB, but i think my new year’s resolution batting average is actually a negative number. this is due to my recurring “i am gonna lose weight in some way, shape, or form” resolutions which once proved to be little more than speed bumps (or “speed humps” as they are now called in amish country) on my road to clinical obesity. it seems i would stick with a diet for a time – sometimes even months – but would inevitably be actually heavier than the previous year on each and every january 1st . so i am guessing that residing some .300 points or so below the Mendoza line is an indicator that it is time to retire – at least from resolving myself to do anything….

  44. I started my new years resolutions awhile back. I’ve lost 25 pounds, quit smoking (have not touched a cigarette since October 11, my boyfriend quit October 5), started taking hair growth pills to grow my hair back out (it only grows on my head for those of you who had that nagging question in the back of your mind). So yeah, doing good so far.

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