Office Ass-Kissers By Category

kiss-assI’ve worked in offices most of my adult life, and have encountered, I believe, every species and sub-species of ass-kisser along the way.

Oh, there might be some exotic variation I don’t know about, perhaps in the former Soviet Union or Tennessee, but I’m fairly confident I’ve witnessed most of ‘em, in all their disgusting glory.

After I got home last night I turned on Butch Walker, tapped a cylinder of the golden elixir, and tried to capture on paper the main categories I’d thought about during my late-night commute.

And here’s what I came up with…  Once I’m finished here, I’m going to rely on you guys to fill in the holes.  ‘Cause I have a nagging feeling I listed more inside my car, than what I remembered at home.  My brain doesn’t always play along.

In any case, let’s get started.

The Buddy This style of sucking-up requires the sphincter-spelunker to pretend he’s the boss’s buddy.  He jokes around and engages in gentle ribbing of the authority figure.

He also asks about the boss’s family members, using their first names.  He doesn’t say, “How’s your wife’s new hip?  Is this one a keeper?”  Instead, he says, “I hope Sarah’s recovery is going well?  Give her all my best!”

You know, as if “Sarah” knows this shitpouch from Adam, the bagboy at Kroger.  Or has any use for his best.

The Buddy might not be so irritating if he’d just let nature takes its course, and allow a genuine relationship to develop.  But he rushes things, acts like a blue-ribbon douche, and causes his co-workers to fantasize about him being roasted alive in a fast-moving house fire.

Golf One of the few sports men can engage in while wearing polo shirts and pressed slacks, golf allows the less-aggressive crack-snacker access to the boss’s inner-circle.

This is a perfect compromise for the would-be Buddy, who isn’t prepared to forfeit ALL his dignity.  At least not in one lump-sum.  They just pretend to be addicted to the game, and act like it has nothing to do with butt-burrowing.  Oh, nothing at all.

Office golfers are brown-nosers, make no mistake about it.  They just do it with a little more subtlety.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I’d like to kick all them full in the reproductive system.

The Chameleon This is the guy who takes on the interests of his boss.

I once worked with a large teardrop-shaped gentleman with a chronic skin condition.  For a couple of years, before a management shakeup, I only heard him talk about the Dodgers and Van Halen.

But when a new boss was installed, who was a big wine snob, this guy suddenly became an expert himself.  Overnight, it seemed, the dude became a real cork-sniffer.  And there was mass eye-rolling across the entire second-floor.

The Chameleon is among the most transparent of anal-analyzers, and for this reason deserves one beating after another.

The Gift Giver This is the Buddy or the Chameleon taken to the next level.  These are people who just happen to see things in stores that make them think of their boss, and decide to buy it for them.  It’s usually a book, or a CD, or something along those lines.

At the same office where ol’ Flaky Skin Wine Lover worked, there was another accomplished colon-captain who found out his new boss loved exotic chocolates.  So he started bringing him boxes of the stuff.

You know, because the dude had just happened upon it somewhere, all accident-like, and it reminded him of his new “friend.”

It’s funny, though.  He routinely stumbled across really weird chocolates, made with Scandinavian yak milk or whatever, almost on a monthly basis.  And I never saw that shit anywhere.  I mean, I’m out and about too, but never came across much radically bizarre candies.

Interesting, isn’t it?  In fact I’m skeptical, which is probably why I so often fantasized about him being killed in a freak runaway church bus accident.

The Snitch This is the person who, for ethical reasons only, tells the boss about all the shenanigans going on behind his back.

Due to high moral standards and a devotion to the company, he feels compelled to keep management apprised of the goings-on in the department.  It’s always a very difficult decision, you understand, but he just wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he kept quiet.

The Snitch also pulls the boss aside, from time to time, to point out how certain workers aren’t doing their fair share.  Because, you know, of those same ethical reasons.  Under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t say anything; it’s just that he cares so deeply about the success of the company, etc. etc.

This particular brand of rectum-romeo is the most loathsome of them all.  And if they found his crumpled body in the parking lot, it would be like an Agatha Christie novel:  every single person a suspect, including the boss who can’t stand the fucker either.

So who did I leave out? I know I had two or three more categories, while driving.  Oh, I was on a roll…  Use the comments to help me close out the category, won’t you?

Also, if you have any stories about specific ass-kissers (or whatever you want to call them), I’d like to read those as well.

And since we’re talking about work, I should probably remind you to draw a picture of your boss, and fax it to me.  I’m building a gallery! The number is 570-585-6856.  Or, if you prefer, just scan it and send it to jeff at TheWVSR dotcom.

Please also check out the two latest posts at Mockable.  I’m incredibly biased, but I think they’re extra-good.  I wrote one, and Metten wrote the other.  Don’t miss ‘em.

I’ll update again late tomorrow, or early on Saturday.  I’m way off-track this week.  But it’s only a temporary situation, I assure you.

Have yourselves a great rest o’ the day.

See ya next time.

Now playing in the bunker.

54 Responses to “Office Ass-Kissers By Category”

  1. 1st? Really?!?

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  2. two dammit

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  3. i’ve never even made the top ten, but I think I just did!

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  4. Top ten?

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  5. Top 5?

    Back later to comment…

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  6. Top 5?!?!?!

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  7. Late evening top ten – woo-hoo!

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  8. Holy crap! Top ten.

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  9. Top 10 !!!

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  10. 10th?

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  11. The ‘I’m so concerned about what you have to say’

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  12. Now that you Top-Tenners & Top-Fivers have had your fun….

    I work with a guy who generally thinks most of the “customers” we deal with are idiots and beneath contempt. But when he interacts with them in-person or on the phone, you’d think they’re all his very best friends. It’s all “howya doin’, big guy!” and “how’s the family” and “when are we gonna get together for lunch?” My job is the same as this guy’s, and yet I feel no need to kiss the asses of these people to accomplish my work. I just tell the customers what needs to be said in order to conduct the business that needs to be conducted, and they don’t seem to fare any worse in the necessary business-dealings when they deal with me than when they deal with my crack-licking colleague. And yet it’s strange — there are a few customers who prefer to deal with the butt-licker, and a few who prefer to deal with me. Which says to me that there are some people out there who crave having their anus smooched, and other people who just want to have an honest interaction with a fellow genuine human. So, I suppose it takes all kinds, and luckily there are kissers available to satisfy those who need a kissing, and non-kissers for those who don’t.

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  13. You forgot to list the ‘do-gooder’ – the person who will do anything for the boss; because we all know the boss is too busy and important to be bothered with is actual management duties. “do-gooders’ say things like “Your busy with the 2009 budget why don’t I organize the team fun event” “performance appraisals are jsu around the corner can I help gather this year’s benchmark’

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  14. Mmm, the flirt (or, taking it a step further, the whore). I’m not sure of this special breed of slut is considered a brown nose, but she’s most likely to be a literal ass-kisser.

    Unfortunately, I tend to fall under this category a lot. I can stroke a man’s ego as well as the next girl, and I didn’t realize until a few years ago that I was using it for power reasons.

    Luckily, though, my boss and I seem to bond most frequently over the topic of sex. Discussing such intimate things as public acts of debauchery with the man in charge tends to grant you a few perks.

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  15. I sell stuff on (insert favorite online auction site here) and I no longer have to deal with these (ah-hem!) personalities.
    Being an introverted recluse has it’s advantages.

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  16. Does the Self-Promoter fit one of these categories, or is he a separate breed? You know, the guy who tells the boss every effing thing he’s done or is going to do, so that the boss ends up thinking everyone else is either doing nothing or plotting behind his back.

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  17. top 20

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  18. I’d like to know about the situation that prompted today’s post.

    How about the I’m-gunning-for-your-job-and-slowly-gathering-enough-intel-to-stab-you-in-the-back type of ass-kisser. This type is particularly abhorrent in tough financial times because he usually makes less than you do, and the company can save money by getting rid of you and “promoting” him without a pay increase. (Note: this is just an observation. I’m not alluding to personal experience.)

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  19. I work with a pamperer. If the boss’ steak needs cut, done. Water filled, done. Ass wiped, done. Its not so much an ass kissing as an infatuation. What is even better is that is pisses the other boss off because she wants to be the pamperer. Therefore, I just stay in my office and avoid all interaction (and read thewvsr…hows that for ass kissing).

    Oh yeah, I love beer.

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  20. Sphincter spelunker, crack snacker……Now that’s gold!!!! Beautiful. You forgot the Weasel. He runs around doing all the things that are beneath normal people in the misguided belief that it will conjure some goodwill with the boss whilst forgetting that the boss is an imbecile who is illiterate and has no idea that his ass is being rummaged by this rogue rodent and won’t give a tinkers cuss about some insufferably dull retard who thought it would be a good idea to waste a days work trying to save the company two cents per bottle of drinking water for the six people who drink them!

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  21. Jeff – your best updates are the snarky ones! What does that say about you?

    Or does that say something about me?

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  22. Joe T’s son…”Daddy, will you come show me how to throw a curveball?”

    Joe T….”Can’t you see I’m busy, dammit. Gotta be 1st! Gotta be 1st on the WVSR!”

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  23. If Putski doesn’t get the comment o’ the day, it’s a ripoff.

    Can’t think of any further varieties of ass-kisser than the few large categories named here. They’re all contemptible weasels who, even if they don’t know they’re dong it, irritate the living shit out of those of us who just want to do our work well enough to get by, get home, and get drunk.

    Or is that just me?

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  24. FIRST! HAHA BITCHES! Oh, wait.

    I was over a small office (only 10 people) for a time. I wish I’d thought about this back then. I would have said things like, “The person that gets me the best gift will get a raise.” You know, keep it in the open. Have fun with it.

    There was one cock smoker in there, we’ll call him “Archibald” that started the ass kissing thing as soon as he was hired on. He’d rush off and get coffee for me and shit like that. I didn’t like it one bit. I said, “Archibald, I’m not a goddamn invalid. I can get my own coffee. Stop it. You’re creeping me out.” So he stopped.

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  25. Late update… I’ll take it. quarter

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  26. top 30!! whoot whoot…yep, you forgot the whore catagory.

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  27. Qweeze…

    Curveballs shouldn’t be thrown by a child until they’re 15. You FUCKER! Do you want me to ruin his arm already? I’ve tied down his right one to make him a lefthander. The Major Leagues need southpaws…then daddy gets to live large. Or he could throw knuckleballs like your sorry ass.

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  28. Martyr – “whoa is me, I feel like garbage, but I will still come in *sniff* to work *cough* because I care so much.
    Tool – “I agree with your policy change and fully support it” (like anyone cares what you think tool!)

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  29. Hmmm… we haven’t hit on the “yes man.” I’ve got one or two under my purview who consistently annoy the shit out of me because they are so agreeable yet have no idea what they’re agreeing with. Then, when “the rubber meets the road” their actions are completely contrary to what they’ve previously agreed to as being the best policy. So, yeah, that’s annoying… and I prefer dissent anyway. If I wanted to hear someone agreeing with me I wouldn’t ask for other viewpoints, would I?

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  30. Ohhh… Karin, Martyr is a good one… I’ve been that guy once or twice, I think.

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  31. shitpouch
    cork-sniffer
    anal-analyzers
    rectum-romeo

    It’s raining gems today and I know my noggin won’t be able to remember them all. Please dole them out one at a time in the future.

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  32. Hmm, I think I just did some butt-kissin’ to Jeff.

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  33. It is these types of people who make “The Office” such a great show.

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  34. I saw two older guys (mid 50′s) go out and buy Harleys for the first time in their lives so they could ride with the boss on weekends. They both also started wearing wide flashy ties just like the asshole boss.

    When the boss had to have a triple by-pass, everyone else was praying for him, not to make it!

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  35. Anyone hit on the “Young Climber”? The little douchebag who neglects daily responsibilities and spends time on “highly visible projects” in the belief that the key to the executive washroom will be in their slimy palms at the tender age of 24 if they just keep pumping out senseless PowerPoint slideshows to impress management?

    They’re easy to spot, they always overdress by a factor of 4. When most people are in golf shirts and carry their laptops in the free bag provided, the Young Climber wears a minimum of $500 in clothing ( $300 of which must go to footwear ) and their computer bag costs the equivalent of a small nation’s GDP or GM’s current net worth.
    Yup, I’ve got one sitting 3 desks down…

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  36. The difference between an ass kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.

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  37. What about a blue-noser? That phrase always confused me.

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  38. swoosh: “Yup, I’ve got one sitting 3 desks down…”

    Yeah? And do you have, perhaps, a . . . cellphone with a camera? Out the bastard!

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  39. swoosh here is one that literally happened today: Was called by a headhunter last week a senior exec with a competitor had been “unfairly” let go!, worth her weight in gold yadda yadda yadda! O.K. happy to talk to her Heard nothing, called headhunter back, what happened to promised resume? “oh I can’t release that until she has finished her research on whether your company is a perfect fit!” WTF is this perhaps why she is UNEMPLOYED????? I smell Douchbagerry! in fact Douchbaggery seems to be taking over the Nation!!!

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  40. Brown noser Jeff!

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  41. Unless your Canadian:
    bluenoser :
    Someone who comes from Nova Scotia. The phrase takes its name from the infamous Bluenose ship, a racing clipper which never lost a race. The Bluenose was built in Lunenburg, NS, and is featured on the Canadian dime.

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  42. I think I’ve heard it used in place of brown-noser, but it makes no sense to me. Blue? What the?

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  43. Jeff,

    I believe a Blue-noser is a person who is always in a perpetual state of whining about a particular subject matter to the point of annoyance – a ridiculous complainer so to speak… An “ass clown” according to fellow co-workers.

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  44. You see, Jeff, the human anus is an anoxic environment (completely depleted of oxygen). In addition, the insertion of one’s nose deep into another individual’s rectal cavity cuts off the circulation of blood to the area. These two factors often cause the nose of a ‘brown-noser’ to take on a blueish hue. This is well documented in the medical literature, and is very likely the origin of the term ‘blue-noser’ .

    Learn more aw http://www.webmd.com.

    This has been a public service announcement.

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  45. Blue Nose is also an award given to US sailors who have crossed the Artic circle. I should know, I have accomplished the followingin my Navy travels:

    The Order of the Blue Nose
    The Order of the Golden Dragon
    The Order of the Ditch
    The Order of the Golden shellback

    and none of these required any ass-kissing, the greased belly of the royal baby, the barnacle encrusted foot of the sea hag and King Neptune’s salty ring. So I must defend the true honor of all us “Blue Nosers”.

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  46. Wow. Here’s a great site. What causes ass kissing? The American society itself. This society does not teach individualism at all. It’s the movie “Brazil”. Since the American corporation is not loyal, why the hell should Americans be. It there isn’t a merger, there’s another down size. These are the boys from Harvard of the 60;s who never learned anything except the latest rock band and where there bong was. They got their degrees by sharing their stash with the alumni. I have seen these guys, they will sell you down the drain in a minute. This is all they ever learned in our society. No Character. The value cars and houses more than humanity. They are so uncreative they have to go out and buy what they cannot create. There were only a few guys from the 60′s who actually made it with out selling their entire families down the drain “YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE” The rest are just Mr. Wishlist who can’t be what their real Superhero is.

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  47. I might as well get it all out while I’m at it. Buying houses and cars does not designate that you are “successful”. The kids of the sixties were always talking about how creative they were. Yeah, creative copy cats. So let’s see if any of these idiots can come up with something that does not involve vibration, keyboards, and dissing their fellow man. If ya have to buy it, you ain’t got it. That covers most of it. And how about throwing those guys who are sending all our jobs overseas. Duh. While we are so busy taking care of the world who will feed your kids.
    Keep up your anal retentive behavior. Individualism has gone out the window.

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  48. The only reward an ass-kisser ever gets from kissing ass is the one who’s ass is being kissed giving the ass-kisser the go-ahead to kiss more ass….

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  49. Yvonne, the department head at my High School has got to be the biggest ass kisser I’ve ever witnessed.

    She manipulates every authority figure. What a crazy, sick control freak.

    Without a doubt, she is the most toxic, manipulative, psychotic bittch I’ve ever worked with.

    Glad the school is closing and we don’t have to see YMH at the school. Fuk her.

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  50. I got a Snitch in my office. he is so freaking annoying.
    every meeting, whatever the boss says, he will agree and add in more fire towards whoever the boss complains. and he acts as if he is the boss whenever the boss is not around. ordering and commanding others, even to the other managers. (he is a manager himself) but he has no right to commend and sound other managers of his same level.

    and he really cant keep his goddamn mouth shut. im not even under the same department as him, and he ordering me as if he’s the boss.

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  51. This is a response to the last comment.
    I have a similar colleague who tries to be the boss when the boss isn’t there. You worry that if you are seen talking to another colleague or customer who may be a friend she’ll moan at you later or worse yet, gossip to our supervisor. The ironic thing about all this is that we are department store cleaners who don’t have a huge amount of real work to do and have to walk around looking busy most of the time. Besides which, she is on the same pay as me and the job is a dead end unless our boss gets promoted/leaves for another company/gets fired so all her brown nosing isnt accomplishing anything. How do you cope with a souless robot like that?

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  52. Hmmm…..have any of you worked at Lowes Corporate? That’s where all the ass kissers eventually wind up. They hold conventions.

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  53. <<>>

    Oooo, nice turn of a phrase there!

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  54. Well, THAT didn’t work…

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Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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