A couple nights ago our dog Andy (Black Lips Houlihan, Snoop Manny Mann) woke three of us up in the middle of the night, making some kind of freaky noise. It was incredibly loud, and a cross between a howl and Yoko Ono after too much cheese.
All of us, except the older Secret (who could sleep through carpet bombing), sat bolt upright with WTF?! across our faces. A sound like that should never come from a domesticated animal; it was like a Stephen King movie.
I reached down and patted the hound, and he was shaking and all tensed-up. He sometimes has doggy dreams, during which he yelps and barks and runs in place. But this was WAAAAY beyond that. A person could’ve heard it while walking past our house.
And the weird thing? It happens about once every six months. Oh, this isn’t the first time, not at all. And it’s always the same bizarre-ass noise.
What the crap is it all about?! I wish I had a recording of it; you folks wouldn’t believe it.
Over the weekend I hoisted myself off the platform, poured a cup of coffee, and shuffled down to the subterranean control center. And when I turned on my Miller High Life lamp, the bulb made a tell-tale muffled pop!, and died at home after a short illness.
Grrr… I went to the shelf where we keep replacement bulbs, and there was nothing there. Highly irritating.
I asked the Secrets if they knew where Toney was, and they said she’d gone to Target or Wal-Mart, or somewhere similar. So, I called and asked her to pick up some 75 watt bulbs. Or, as we say back home, “bu’bs.”
And she came home with more of those twisty Nancy deals, that supposedly keep working for five years. We’d experimented with them in the kitchen, and they’re still going strong after fourteen or fifteen months. So, we’re kinda sold on the things.
But not for the bunker! C’mon. I’m sorry, but the Surf Report home office is NOT going green. In fact, I’ve been doing Google searches, trying to find methods for increasing the WVSR carbon footprint.
In any case, the ridiculous things wouldn’t work. The lamp has a shade that clamps directly onto the bulb, so you can’t really use one that looks like a Dairy Queen cone.
This irritated Toney, because they were fairly expensive, and she started switching one out with a lamp in the fambly room. And promptly dropped and exploded the mercury bulb…
Gulp. Aren’t they dangerous, when broken? Somewhere, deep in my brain, I had that bit of information stored away. In fact, I think someone once told me a Hazmat crew needs to come in, or somesuch.
But we just opened a nearby window, cleaned up the glass, wiped off the end table, and vacuumed the carpet. And for the rest of the day I thought I could feel the beginning stages of mercury poisoning. It’s fatal, and it don’t get better, according to my spiritual adviser, Graham Parker.
But I guess we’re OK. It’s been several days now, and none of us are experiencing projectile eye-bleeding. And, according to this Snopes page, we did most things right, just using our instincts. Pretty cool, huh?
I’ll leave you now with a Question based on an email conversation Brad and I had last night. I’d like to know if you ever went to a concert, and the opening act was unknown to you at the time, but went on to become Big in some way.
I saw Iggy Pop in Charlotte years ago, and there were two opening bands: Yo La Tengo and Jane’s Addiction. How’s that for a lineup? And I’d never heard of either of them at the time.
Also, I was planning to see Heart at the Huntington Civic Center, when I was in high school, but my parents wouldn’t let me to leave the house. I’d done something to get into trouble (go figure), and they told me to just sit my ass down. The opening act that night? XTC! One of my future favorite bands… who never plays live anymore.
So, there’s your Question. Do with it what you will.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow, hopefully with a longer update.
Sweet sainted mother of Bobby Goldsboro!