My Whole World Is Falling Apart, Pass the Beer Nuts

Everything’s falling apart, my friends.  I apologize for the lack of updates, but I’m up to my ass in mongooses over here.  In fact, even though I missed Monday and Wednesday, I’m going to have to make this one a quickie.  I’m sorry.  But please know that when I feel like I’m neglecting the site, I get all fidgety and weird.  So, it’s hurting me more than it’s hurting you.

We’re going to Knoebels today, and the Nancy family is supposed to meet us there.  They didn’t return yesterday, as planned, and are going straight to the park.  Yeah… it’s a 50/50 chance they’ll actually show up.  Everything is fluid and dynamic, when it comes to Eninen.

So anyway, I thought I’d briefly tell you guys about the stuff that’s stopped working over the past few weeks.  And man, it’s starting to pile-up…  When it rains it pours, and all that crapola.

Let’s get started, shall we?

The websites The redirect code returned yesterday, and I think I’ve reached a point where nothing can hurt me anymore.  Once you pass through a tunnel of trauma, and emerge on the other side, you’re a changed person.

Of course, there’s no way of knowing if the episode is finally over.  It’s like an ‘80s horror film, when the maniac is “killed,” but continues coming back to life somehow.

The guy who helps me with technical issues, and saves my butt over and over again, identified an unused WordPress theme, at FurtherEvidence, which MIGHT have been the entry point for the hackers.  It was definitely compromised, and has now been removed.  I’m hoping that will take care of it.

But I still have some cleanup to do, especially with Mockable. I’ll get to it, ASAP.  Grrr…  Stoopid hackers and their fraudulent commie cooch.  Please say a prayer to the internet gods for us…

The dishwasher It stopped working several weeks ago, and we don’t really have the money to have someone come fix it.  In fact, we don’t even know what’s going on with the thing.

Money is extra-tight for us during the summer – when Toney only works sporadically – so we’ve been washing dishes by hand.  And that blows.  It feels like Little House on the Prairie.  Except, you know, there’s no bucktoothed tomboys running around, or goody-goody blind girls.  Whatever.

The lawnmower It worked the first time I used it this summer, then it wouldn’t start for several days.  Then it started working again, for about three or four weeks, and fully and completely shit the bed again.  For no known reason.

The oldest Secret and I have changed the sparkplug and the air filter, and even poured a capful of Dry Gas into the tank, in case there was some water in there.  Nothing.  It’s deader than Kelsey’s nuts.  Today I have somebody coming to mow our yard (for $40), to give us a little more time to figure out a solution to YET ANOTHER nagging problem in our lives.

There’s a lawnmower repair shop near us, but the guy who owns it has a black belt in assholery.  I hate to give him my business, but I don’t know what else to do.  I’m running out of options.  It’s either the repair shop, or a new mower.  Again:   grrrr…

The deck I wrote about this before, but our deck is sinking into the ground at one corner.  We had a guy come look at it, and he said he’d jack it up, pour concrete footers to prevent it from happening again, and refinish the whole deal, for $1400.  At this point in time, it might as well be $14 million.  It’s just gonna have to keep sinking, until this depression is ovah.  Fuck it.

Crossroads Road reprice This is not a big deal, but it irritates me nonetheless.  It’s a cumulative thing, you see… the problems are mounting.

Over the weekend I requested a price change on the electronic versions of the novel – from 99 cents to $2.99.  Barnes & Noble made the revision within the hour, but as I type this, Amazon is still dithering.  Well, actually, they changed the UK price, and the German price, but not the one for the US.  I made another request, it went through the whole process, and still remained at 99 cents.  Even though they have it marked as “complete.”

So, you see, I get to waste more of my time finding out what the hell’s going on.  Somebody at the help desk told me it would be fixed within 24 hours, but the fact that I had to go to the help desk irritates me down to my skeleton.  Why can’t things just work?

[UPDATE: It’s finally done, four or five days later.]

Andy This one scares me a little.  Our dog Andy is limping around, and struggling to get up the stairs.  He’s not himself, and on one recent night wasn’t even interested in partaking of his middle o’ the night yard dump.  That’s not the Black Lips Houlihan we know…

He was a lot better on Wednesday and is pretty much back to normal today, but he’s going to the vet tomorrow.  I have a feeling he’s developing arthritis.  He turned 10 on June 1, so he’s getting up there.  I hate to see that hound showing his age…  He’s the greatest, the best dog I’ve ever known.  And I don’t like this hobbling business whatsoever.

So, what’s broken at your place?  Anything?  Please tell us about it in the comments section.  Or are you the type who does small engine repairs… dog surgeries… etc.?  We need to know all about it.

And I’m gonna call it a day, my friends.  Within three hours I’ll be on the Phoenix roller coaster throwing my vertebrae out of line.  I’m looking forward to it!

See ya next time.

Now playing in the bunker
Crossroads Road for your Kindle: just $2.99!


  1. JoshuaJ says

    I mentioned this previously, but with all that’s gone on for you it may have been missed.

    Our dishwasher went on the fritz and wouldn’t run awhile back. Turns out debris had built up and stalled the motor. If you pull out the dishwasher a little ways, down on the lower side will be the motor(mine is lower left front). With the washer off(no need to turn electric off or disconnect any lines), take a screwdriver or similar device and spin the fan-like blades of the motor. It should be pretty exposed and easy to see. This helps to dislodge whatever might be holding the motor up. Apparently they aren’t very strong motors and it doesn’t take much to stall them.

    You shouldn’t need to make a bunch of revolutions turning it, just a few short spins usually does the trick.

    Not pre-rinsing dishes very good lets larger food stuff build up and clogs the motor from turning(thanks teenager in our case).

    This may not help at all, but it’s 5 minutes of effort that, in our case, was the difference between blowing a wad of money on a new washer and realizing there was little wrong with ours.

    Hope it helps!

    • says

      People that don’t prerinse their dishes before putting them in the dishwasher really bother me. The food just stirs up and settles onto other dishes. At work dishes are just randomly thrown into the sink (no dishwasher) without being rinsed. This includes salad dishes (ranch, bleu cheese, you get the idea), stuff that contained sour cream, yogurt, or milk products. The other day, I rinsed the dishes and filled the sink with hot soapy water to soak them so myself or a coworker could do them later. In the meantime, someone had thrown yet another plate in the water without rinsing it first, so the next morning when I went in, the entire side of the sink that was soaking the dishes smelled like sour milk, and had attracted various bugs to the stench. Lucky for me, I had to empty the sink and stick my hand in that shit. On the bright side, I earn $30 bucks every Friday morning for cleaning the office (that I also work in) for 1.5 hours a week, so I guess it was worth it.

    • madz1962 says

      Hmmm flip flops that have been walking around on digusting sidewalks and filthy store floors. And hair brushes. Yeah – I always wanted a ball of hair near the plates I eat off.

    • madz1962 says

      Crack is whack!

      If this had happened in NYC a) a messenger would have run into her. B) the bus would not have stopped C) the chick in pink running up to take pictures would have been pummeled D) there would have been a nun or 3 in the foreground.

      • bikerchick says

        This just happened last night! It was all over the news….which is exactly what she wanted. Fucking idiot. I love how her flip flop slippers were left right in the middle of the road!

        • madz1962 says

          Clearly a gal whose elevator doesn’t make it to the top floor. The fact that they put it on the news means the next whacko is going to have to “one uo” her. Probably get hit by a Honda Civic in the process.

  2. madz1962 says

    I just clicked on the Knoebels link. I am so jealous – that place looks so damn charming and old fashioned. Hope you had a blast, Jeff – and a couple of Nnacy stories would really be the icing!

  3. says

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….

    just popping by to see if there was any mention of recent she-nancy-gans…

    will remain patient….

  4. bikerchick says

    We’re having a surprise 60th Bday party for my boyfriends father tomorrow. A bunch of guys are taking him on a ride…aka a big sausage fest with motorcycles….then, back at the bar (the Ranch) for the party. Beer, Booze, Food. Should be a good time. Hope the rain holds off. Everyone invited..

    • madz1962 says

      Sounds like FUN! I’ll raise a glass tomorrow in his honor. (to hell with tomorrrow – I’ll start later on!)

      So far, my weekend thrill includes a trip to this cool, funky diner tonight where I intend to gorge on a patty melt platter.

      • Bill in WV says

        Firm sponsored party at the WV Power game tonight on the Party Deck. Free everything. Look the hell out.

    • WB in OH says

      The local do-gooders club is having a deal called Day in the Park. Starts at 1 with a cruise in, so I’ll have to help my neighbor shuttle some of his cars up there if the rain holds out. Then they set up a bunch of the inflatable bouncy toys for the kids. At 4 is when the real fun starts; dodgeball tournement. Watch a bunch of people past their athletic prime try to recapture some high school glory. I sit contently on the sideline with a cold beverage listening to hamstrings pop.

    • says

      Awww crap. I’m almost as old as your boyfriend’s father? I thought I had a shot until I read that.

      • madz1962 says

        My husband is older than bikerchicks, boyfriend’s father. Christ, I feel decrepit now.

      • Gretchen says

        I could be wrong, but I seem to remember that Bikerchick is dating a man who is younger than her. Which is awesome.

      • bikerchick says

        dto: Anything is possible…never say never! Gretchen is correct…my boyfriend is 16 years younger than me. Funny thing is…his dad is only 12 years older than I am. Its a running joke that everyone just loves.

        • says

          Yeah…if you were to tell him you had to go to Taos, New Mexcio for a week or two on a buying trip…he’d buy it? Actually….I do know where the real artists that make/sell the real “Southwest Jewlery” are. Not the bullshit Dillards stuff. The real stuff. Honest. I have a bear claw belt buckle signed piece that’s amazing made long ago. I wear it and always get a comment. Just one more reson to look at my crotch I guess.

    • johnthebasket says

      I confess I have never heard the term “sausage fest”. Yes, I have led a provincial life — why do you ask, Dog With Boner?


    • WB in OH says

      WTF? First Vancouver now Forida, I think white people are losing their minds.
      I’m 1% black and I’m changing my status to African American until you crackers straighten’ the fug up!

      • johnthebasket says


        I feel your pain, brother. I used to measure myself 8% Black, but my dipstick has foreshortened in the direction of motion in my dotage, so I can’t measure accurately any more. Actually, I guess this condition would argue for more white and less Black. Time hurries on.


  5. johnthebasket says


    Is Comcast your only choice? If so, I guess you just have to Ben Dover. If not, why are you sending so much money to a company you hate?

    I am fortunate to live in an area where the same people who send me electricity and water send me cable TV and broadband Internet access. Inexpensive, reliable, and in the rare case of a problem, everyone I need to speak to lives in my town.

    Anyway, Brittney, I feel for you. “We love the things we love for what they are.”


    • says

      I have terrible credit, and when I signed up with Comcast I had the money at the time to pay the security deposit. Now if I try to switch to AT&T, they will make me pay $150 bucks on top of the first months bill, which will be about $100. So I’m stuck with them right now unfortunately. My boyfriend is willing to put the At&t under his name, but he already has our house, our cell phones, my car, a few credit cards and his own car under his name, and since I need a co-signer for everything, I just don’t feel right asking him or expecting him to do that. It seems silly being that it’s just for cable, but I guess I’m just tired and annoyed with my own past mistakes and having to rely on him for things like that. I really wish that when my parents explained to me when I was younger about ruining my credit score, I would have listened. Stupid 18 year old + credit card = Brittney ruining her credit for years. I’m confident that I will get it straightened out eventually, but it’s just a slow process when you have a fixed income. The only time I get more money is tax season, so this year, I’ve made it my goal that the money I get back is going straight to Citibank.

  6. says

    I should have put the some beef out on the patio…maybe some fish. With all the smoke billowing over my place now I could have some kick ass jerky when it’s all over.

  7. t-storm says

    Never liked the idea of leasing, too restrictive and you get fucked on the back end.

  8. doctorright says

    Talk about fucked on the back end… the Orioles are stabbing me repeatedly.
    Do any of you guys watch this shit? Just me?
    Soul sucking.
    Back to my hovel…

  9. says

    One quick car sales story before the new update. when I was in ‘cars sales training’ Cahrlie told us to go to a car lot and pretend we wanted to buy a car. Do it at three or four lots and see how the salesman/gal (they love to send out a hot chick on a dude) does their thing. One of the guys in the training class ended up buyiung a car. I shit you not. Charlie just said…”You ran into a real salesman”.

    • says

      ***Folks…I don’t know what it is with me lately and shit spelling/typing but I will try and clean that up for you guys. My fuckit button isn’t worth a fuck!

  10. says

    My last night’s comment were rude and I blame everything on bad influences and the fact…”I’m full of shit”. I will resume being a gentleman at all times.

  11. johnthebasket says

    I am cursed with a jukebox head that plays songs whether I stick a quarter up my ass or not. Some of the songs are enough to make me drive my Odyssey into a concrete freeway barrier. Others, like the one playing at 0458 on Fathers’ Day are too lovely not to share — at least in part…

    A love struck Romeo, sings in the streets a serenade
    Laying everybody low, with a love song that he made
    Finds a street light, steps out of the shade
    Says something like, “You and me babe, how about it?”

    Juliet says, “Hey it’s Romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack”
    He’s underneath the window, she’s singing, ‘Hey la, my boyfriend’s back
    You shouldn’t come around here, singing up at people like that’
    Anyway, what you gonna do about it?

    Juliet, the dice were loaded from the start,
    And I bet, then you exploded in my heart,
    And I forget, I forget, the movie song
    When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?


    To all the dads and to Jeff in particular, have a romantic and relaxing Fathers’ Day.


    • Chuck in Belpre says

      Never was much of a Springsteen fan but Mr. Clemons was a talented individual. He will be missed.

      • says

        Same here. My buddy has been the sax player for 30+ years years with the Van Dells and he still hits the road and I always tell him to make sure you enjoy every second you’re standing behind your horn. I’m sure Mr. Clemons did. I met him once in passing. Always the class man. I think I’ll get a reed from my buddy and burn it Clarence’s hionor tonoght. Kinda pagan thing but it’s from my heart.

        • says

          update…my buddy just stopped by and gave me a box of his used Rico Royal #3 Tenor Sax reeds. Honest! (why he keeps them…he doesn’t even understand). I’m off to build my pyre to Clarence.

          • chill says

            Yeah, why would you keep those? Probably the same reason I keep old hard drives. But at least the old reeds are good for something. RIP CC.

            I’d take a #1.5 or 2, but it depends on what kind of sound you’re after.

            • says

              Hey chill..knowing Brian for as long as I have I’m not suprised he doesn’t have names for his reeds. I love the guy…as I only deal in wackos.

  12. JDL says

    Dishwasher – ours went bad a few months ago. Buy one for $300 and replace it yourself. I’m in no way the most mechanically inclined person and it took me about an hour including taking the old one out. Use the same connections the old one used. The only thing you have to do is connect a few wires using a screwdriver, hook up the hose going in and the drain going out and put in a few screws to fasten it to the bottom of your counter.

    Mower – get the cheapest model you can that comes with a Honda engine. Ours starts on the first pull every time and I admit I don’t take care of it.

  13. says

    That’s it for me folks. I’m off to meet up with WB at the ballpark tomorrow and then on to packing and shutting this current life down to get on with my next one. Sorry I’ve been so yak yakkity on here as of late. I’m gonna bow out for a good while and catch you guys from Taos in about a week or so. Play safe everyone and thanks for letting me be a part of all this.

    • chill says

      Safe travels. Enjoy the game.

      I’ve only ever played alto and soprano; maybe I’ll rent a tenor for a little bit and see how it goes.

    • AngryWhiteGuy says

      Since, obviously, no one cares about my thousands of dollars worth of repairs needed, or what’s pissing me off, or my opinions on things, you can thank your lucky stars I won’t be posting them today.

      There must be a reason there is only 7 updates in 22 days, and I bet Jeff has some good stuff on the way. “That’s gold, Jerry!”

      Hang tight–it’s on the way, I’m sure.

  14. t-storm says

    Awg I’ve always loved your bullshit so pull your head out of your ass stop feeling sorry for yourself and start being angry again. Pussy.

  15. AngryWhiteGuy says

    DId I seem like that to you? Sorry for the misinterpretation. I’m angrier than I have ever been and ready to take a few people out with me.

    “Pussy”? Whatever, man. Too early to be drinking.

    • t-storm says

      Not when today is my sunday . I’m calling you out because you went munt and got all weepy shmeepy on us. Honestly if you had a page Id read it daily. Like the bob evans tales

  16. AngryWhiteGuy says

    Glad you like the Bob Evans stuff. Jeff can put it back up there if he wants to.

    As far as the “weepy shmeepy” stuff. I don’t have a clue what you are talking about.