I link the two in my mind: soup and cereal. Because they can both be tasty, but are usually a complete waste of time.
Oh, I don’t mind a good bowl of soup as the first of many things to be eaten during a meal. But when it’s supposed to BE the meal? Well… that’s just outrageous. A bowl of hot broth with a quarter cup of “goodies” at the bottom is not a meal. I don’t care how much you pretend it’s so.
And don’t get me started on the “hearty” soups, either. That’s often the justification: well, it’s very hearty. Ha! That just means my stomach will collapse in thirty minutes, instead of twenty. Like a goddamn volleyball with a hole in it.
That goes for chili, too. Chili is just soup taken to the next level. I’d have to have one of these things full of the stuff, to adequately fill the void. And that wouldn’t be good for anyone.
Man, I’m starting to get angry here, just thinking about soup… Talk about arrogant. Wow!
Cereal as breakfast is also a complete scam. Again, it’s OK if it’s incorporated into a long parade of other foods, but by itself? Don’t make me laugh. May as well skip breakfast altogether, like I do.
Toney: Aren’t you hungry?
Toney: Why don’t you have a bowl of cereal?
Me: It’s OK, I took a deep breath a few minutes ago. That’ll hold me longer.
The only time I eat cereal is at 2:30 am, when I get home from work. Usually I’m not really hungry, but feel the need to shovel something into my mouth. And cereal is something, right?
But even though I rarely eat it, I still have strong opinions on the subject. Go figure.
When it comes to cereal, I have to keep it simple. I like Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies, and that kind of thing. I eat the same stuff they were eating in 1926. And I don’t add sugar or anything, it’s just milk and whatever’s in the box.
The only really sweet cereal I like is Cap’n Crunch. (That’s right, Cap’n.) It’s all sugared-up, which usually disgusts me, but for some reason the standard-issue Cap’n Crunch appeals to me. It’s uncomplicated and straightforward, and tastes like nothing else.
Anything that changes the color of the milk is automatically disqualified. Because that grosses me all the way out. And on a related note… When people snorkle-down all the cereal, then drink the leftover milk across the lip of the bowl like it’s a giant glass — that causes my whole body to go rigid.
Even as a kid I only ate Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies and occasionally Cheerios. I remember having Quisp and Quake too, but those were also simple affairs. Everybody else was eating Count Chocula and Frankenberry and Apple Jacks, but not me. That stuff was blecch.
I know this might come as a shock to some of you, but I don’t think I’ve ever had a single bowl of Lucky Charms. Those little marshmallows bother me… I always viewed it as Alpha-Bits with a dusting of multi-colored pencil erasers. Plus, that little heel-clicking Irishman always rubbed me the wrong way, which didn’t help matters…
So, tell me where I’m wrong. Or, to be more precise, tell me where you think I’m wrong (even though I’m completely right). Use the comments link below.
Also, since we’re talking about cereal — which is often considered kid food — tell us what kind of lunchbox you had in grade school.
I had Hot Wheels, which never fully satisfied me. I was always jealous of kids who had cooler lunchboxes, like Land of the Giants and Planet of the Apes. What about you? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And I’ll be back on Wednesday (my Friday!).
See ya then.