On Saturday Toney and I went to a few stores, and had lunch at Moe’s. And it appears I’ve almost completed the transformation from regular guy to full-blown misanthrope. Nearly everybody in the general public irritates me in some way, almost every single person. I didn’t used to be like this… not this bad, anyway.
Below, I’ll briefly tell you about some of the stuff I was bitching about during our brief outing. Then you can tell me if I’m losing my grip, or have valid complaints. OK? OK.
There was a guy in Sam’s Club who was wearing a pair of gay-ass sandals, and couldn’t muster enough energy to actually lift them all the way off the floor as he walked. So, he was basically cross-country skiing through the produce section. I told Toney we needed to adjust our route, so we weren’t following this idiot through the whole store; I couldn’t be held responsible for what might happen if I was around him much longer. So, we went off the standard grid, and there he was again! Just shuffling along in his fudge-buster shoes. Man, I hated that guy.
Also at Sam’s, they were giving out a few interesting food samples in the back. But there are always jackasses who walk up to the stand, take whatever they’re offering — and eat it right there. They don’t bother to move out of the way for the next person, they eat their cracker and cheese (or whatever) right in front of the stand. Then they tell the old lady what they think about it. This ain’t a wine-tasting, dicklips! Get out of our way!! Plus, who gives a crap about your “reading” of potato salad. Fuck you.
That one is very similar to people who spend five full minutes at the ATM, pushing buttons like they’re playing Galaga. Then they stand in front of the machine at the end STUDYING their receipt, as if it contains encrypted messages from the great beyond. Move! There are other people in this world, it’s not just all about you. As the great philosopher George Costanza says, “We live in a society!”
Inside Target there were a lot of people communicating via hollering. They’d waddle in different directions, but continue to carry on conversations through yelling. One flesh-mound of a woman was telling another hill o’ skin about her recent surgery, from the shoe department to the women’s clothing section. Just screaming across a great expanse…. I wished I had the power of the firestarter.
Also in Target, there were a lot of assholes — fully realized assholes — walking around in Jersey Shore “fashions” and acting like total imbeciles. God, my skin is crawling just thinking about it… Whether it was genuine or (more likely) a pose, it doesn’t really matter. ASSHOLES, either way.
It also bothers me greatly when people walk around with way too much beverage. Know what I mean? Big Gulp cups… ludicrously large energy drinks… coffee cups like a fire extinguisher… giant clay jars of iced tea… All of it angers me. Exercise a little self-control, pigs.
And another thing that bugs me: those people (usually in the electronics departments of stores) who speak with a slightly condescending air of authority. Like they’re explaining something to a large retarded boy… I heard one of those dudes in Target on Saturday talking to a woman about a camera. I wanted to push him down.
I walked out of a Best Buy because of that, once. Some zitster was telling me a bunch of boolshit in an insulting tone — I think he was trying to sell me an expensive antivirus program for a new computer, and was talking to me like I didn’t understand any of it. So, I told him he could ram it deep and on a slant, and bought my new computer online.
And at Moe’s… there was one of those guys who can’t stay in his seat. He was constantly getting more napkins, a refill on his soda, a salsa top-off… He was just up and down, up and down. And while he was up, he was always chewing.
Plus, I heard someone in there use one of my new most-hated phrases: “vacay.” “Five more days until vacay!” Grrr… It makes my whole body go rigid.
So, there you are. If you’d like to psychoanalyze me, go ahead. Or maybe you have an opinion about some of my “observations?” Please use the comments link below.
And I’ll try not to be so bitter tomorrow.
See you then, my friends.