My Transformation to Full-Blown Misanthrope is Nearly Complete
On Saturday Toney and I went to a few stores, and had lunch at Moe’s. And it appears I’ve almost completed the transformation from regular guy to full-blown misanthrope. Nearly everybody in the general public irritates me in some way, almost every single person. I didn’t used to be like this… not this bad, anyway.
Below, I’ll briefly tell you about some of the stuff I was bitching about during our brief outing. Then you can tell me if I’m losing my grip, or have valid complaints. OK? OK.
There was a guy in Sam’s Club who was wearing a pair of gay-ass sandals, and couldn’t muster enough energy to actually lift them all the way off the floor as he walked. So, he was basically cross-country skiing through the produce section. I told Toney we needed to adjust our route, so we weren’t following this idiot through the whole store; I couldn’t be held responsible for what might happen if I was around him much longer. So, we went off the standard grid, and there he was again! Just shuffling along in his fudge-buster shoes. Man, I hated that guy.
Also at Sam’s, they were giving out a few interesting food samples in the back. But there are always jackasses who walk up to the stand, take whatever they’re offering — and eat it right there. They don’t bother to move out of the way for the next person, they eat their cracker and cheese (or whatever) right in front of the stand. Then they tell the old lady what they think about it. This ain’t a wine-tasting, dicklips! Get out of our way!! Plus, who gives a crap about your “reading” of potato salad. Fuck you.
That one is very similar to people who spend five full minutes at the ATM, pushing buttons like they’re playing Galaga. Then they stand in front of the machine at the end STUDYING their receipt, as if it contains encrypted messages from the great beyond. Move! There are other people in this world, it’s not just all about you. As the great philosopher George Costanza says, “We live in a society!”
Inside Target there were a lot of people communicating via hollering. They’d waddle in different directions, but continue to carry on conversations through yelling. One flesh-mound of a woman was telling another hill o’ skin about her recent surgery, from the shoe department to the women’s clothing section. Just screaming across a great expanse…. I wished I had the power of the firestarter.
Also in Target, there were a lot of assholes — fully realized assholes — walking around in Jersey Shore “fashions” and acting like total imbeciles. God, my skin is crawling just thinking about it… Whether it was genuine or (more likely) a pose, it doesn’t really matter. ASSHOLES, either way.
It also bothers me greatly when people walk around with way too much beverage. Know what I mean? Big Gulp cups… ludicrously large energy drinks… coffee cups like a fire extinguisher… giant clay jars of iced tea… All of it angers me. Exercise a little self-control, pigs.
And another thing that bugs me: those people (usually in the electronics departments of stores) who speak with a slightly condescending air of authority. Like they’re explaining something to a large retarded boy… I heard one of those dudes in Target on Saturday talking to a woman about a camera. I wanted to push him down.
I walked out of a Best Buy because of that, once. Some zitster was telling me a bunch of boolshit in an insulting tone — I think he was trying to sell me an expensive antivirus program for a new computer, and was talking to me like I didn’t understand any of it. So, I told him he could ram it deep and on a slant, and bought my new computer online.
And at Moe’s… there was one of those guys who can’t stay in his seat. He was constantly getting more napkins, a refill on his soda, a salsa top-off… He was just up and down, up and down. And while he was up, he was always chewing.
Plus, I heard someone in there use one of my new most-hated phrases: “vacay.” “Five more days until vacay!” Grrr… It makes my whole body go rigid.
So, there you are. If you’d like to psychoanalyze me, go ahead. Or maybe you have an opinion about some of my “observations?” Please use the comments link below.
And I’ll try not to be so bitter tomorrow.
See you then, my friends.
Filed under: Daily
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…
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Second?
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I think Jeff needs a vacay.
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hot fuzz Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 4:47 pm
LOL
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I like to think I have a better than average vocabulary, but I had to look up “misanthrope”.
And that’s me.
I look at someone, even if I don’t know them, and immediately despise them.
Plus dealing with the public on a daily basis contributes to the attitude as well.
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Tipsey McChugney Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 5:04 pm
Misanth-rope means when a rope is fraying to the breaking point like the one in the picture.
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larryfromca Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 8:47 pm
I also had to look it up. Now I don’t feel that stoopid.
mis·an·thrope
? ?[mis-uhn-throhp, miz-] Show IPA
noun
a hater of humankind.
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dto Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 9:35 pm
Who the fuck are you people? Misanthrope? Honest?!! Look it up?? Really?!?!! I Had to look it up?? Kiddin’ me right? I Iearnt that word in about the fourth grade Honest! . And yes…I’m a member of MA….Misanthorpes Almagamated. My affliction started early. It was pronounced uncurible when I was ten when I tried to kill the doctor and wouldn’t stop asking the nurse to look at my penis.
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Alice in WV Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 9:33 pm
goot one
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My psychoanalysis says you had a bad day. And that it’s time for a golden elixer or 12.
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The sandal queer has me seeing red. They don’t have the energy to lift their feet off the ground, they just slide around.
I don’t think you’re going off the deep end. People are just shitpiles, that’s all.
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“hill o’skin”
HAHAHAHAHA
I’m with ya on the foot shuffle thing, drives me bananas.
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Joey Jo Jo Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 7:10 pm
I literally LOL at hill o’ skin…
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I think we’re all going down the same road. Yesterday at the Kroger the family with two of the giant green kid car carts or whatever they are nearly pushed all my buttons. Their 7 or 8 year old was pushing two of the smaller kids in her cart behind her mom & dad who had two in theirs. Play day at the grocery store? My God people, leave your fucking day care center at home.
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Jason Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Remember when Wal-Mart and several other places thought it would be a good idea to have mini carts for the kids to push around? That didn’t last long. Worse idea ever.
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dto Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 4:11 pm
The Kroger in Loveland, Ohio still’s got ‘em. Being pushed around by runny nosed kids behind a Mom who farts when she walks and a Dad who smells like garilc and dog lick.
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Joey Jo Jo Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 7:11 pm
The ones at my local store have little flagpoles on them, with flags that read “Customer in Training.” Makes me want to vomit.
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Jera Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 11:14 pm
They have those little carts at Trader Joes. My son (3) loves them. I lie and tell him they are broken.
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I agree with Jeff on all items.
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Times, they are a chagin. You could write all of these things down and give the note to the cops after you went on a killing spree. I’m sure you would’t be arrested.
Also, did you guys know that you can just walk into a Blockbuster now and shit on the floor? It isn’t even illegal.
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Seanette Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 3:55 pm
There has GOT to be an interesting backstory to that last paragraph.
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hot fuzz Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 4:50 pm
LOL
that’s twice I’ve burst out laughing. Good thing I’m working from home.
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Hill o’skin. You, Mr. Kay, know how to turn a phrase.
Another A+ update.
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Uncle_Wedgie Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 2:43 pm
If you do get the firestarter powers make sure to stand back so the grease (fat) fire doesn’t take you down too.
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Stay bitter. Bitter is better. Remember that comedy comes from pain, and assholes.
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ashton Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 2:43 pm
Sure if you’re getting it jammed in at a slant.
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People take the phrase “it’s a free country” too literal. Manners matter damn it!
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Adam Carolla refers to it as hyper-vigilance. I’ve been trying to stop paying such close attention to people. They don’t seem to give a crap that there are other people in this world, so why should I care?
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Vacay is just as bad as delish.
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Brittney Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 3:06 pm
I agree!!!!!! I HATE both of these words.
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Rick Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 3:09 pm
What does it say about our society when we’re too damn lazy to say that one last syllable of the word? Ugh!!
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m Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 12:44 am
It seems to be a side effect of Rachel Ray. She uses all those stupid phrases. “Yummo” and “E.V.O.O.” make me have a full body rigor. Most of my coworkers love to watch her in the breakroom, and my lunch is ruined because I have to listen to that idiot.
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doctorright Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 2:24 am
Side effect of Rachael Ray:
runny vomitus.
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johnthebasket Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 4:13 am
m…
Rachael Ray IS the side effect. Don a pair of buds or cans and groove to the sweet sounds of Hurra Torpedo, or whatever lowers your blood pressure.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuZwnC9rB-A&NR=1
jtb
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m Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 1:21 am
That made my eyelid twitch.
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Now yer gettin’ it!!!!! Keep up the good work.
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When is the yard sale? If hollering flesh piles at Target get under your skin, can’t wait to see what you think of them while they’re standing in your yard.
I haven’t seen a surf reporter comment about the Friday luncheon? How was it?
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Alex Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 4:40 pm
That will be the “Its confirmed, I am a full blown Misanthrope” update. =-) Can’t wait.
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I get ridiculously angry by the general lack of decorum and respect for others anywhere public. I do not want to see you in your pajamas at the grocery store or standing in line at Subway at 12:30 in the afternoon. I do not want to hear you shouting across aisles to your companions.
I also get ridiculously angry at people who wear clothing designed for people half their size. No one larger than a super model looks look in the new legging style jeans. I don’t want to see your spare tire sticking out of the bottom of your size extra small tee shirt. Also, neck tatoos, supersized tribal holes in the ears big enough for me to pass a lifesaver through. Ridiculous.
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Nope..you ain’t losing grip. You’re just catchin’ on. Grab a handle on the boat and climb in. Chase the horzion and throw the fuckheads overboard.
(great read today…thanks!)
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AngryWhiteGuy Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 3:51 pm
Yeah, that’s what I meant!!
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I literally laughed out loud and woke up a sleeping woman across from me at the dr.’s office. F**k her. I feel passionately about these situations as well! Thank God I am going on a ‘vacay’ to good ol’ West by God on Thursday.!
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No Jeff, I completely agree with you. Something else I would like to add is when I go to the mall or even to Wal-Mart and there are woman walking around all dressed up. Hair done, high heels, etc. I just don’t understand why any woman would want to shop in high heels. Even if it’s just a quick shopping trip, I don’t get it.
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lucas Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 4:10 pm
All women should wear high heels ALL the time.
Well, as long as they’re cute or something.
I dunno.
I’m sick of seeing girls in pajamas and UGGz (i live on staten island…..)
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dto Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 4:49 pm
FMPs and bare feet make my life complete.
Of these two things I have complete retention.
There’s something about toes or an instep that shows an ass that demands my attention.
I’ll give them a nod as I admire their bod and not even give it a mention.
If they notice my passion as they go by passin’…I just say…”Yes. Thanks for askin’.”
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…and..when I saw misanthrope I mistook it for Mapplethorpe and started tninking maybe you now wear leather pants all the time.
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I’m guessing that the beer fast will be ending soon….
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I will soon have to deal with 20,000 + annoying people.
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I wish people would live in a word filled with people exactly like themselves, say about 4 days a week. That way, if they are assholes, they would feel the pain that they radiate.
All the drivers that don’t allow any cars to merge in front of them would live through hells’ traffic 4 days a week…. people cutting other people off would have to live through that 4 days a week. People stealing other people’s stuff would end up with their stuff stolen as well…
Finally, people being considerate of others could end up enjoying half of their week. How nice would that be?
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Seanette Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 3:58 pm
You’ve got my vote for King/Queen of the World. (please choose title that applies, since I don’t know your gender)
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Jeff, let’s make a pact. Whichever one of us roundhousekicks someone into oblivion first has to buy the other a free beer!!!!
or maybe gets one?
i’m not sure.
i’m gonna go headbutt this guy that’s listening to Hot Dance Party music in the fucking computer lab. The computer lab is not a fucking discotek.
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I once had to fight fire with fire at Radio Shack. An overly zealous salesman just wouldn’t leave me alone to fend for myself in the parts department and smeared some sentence with way too much condescension. So I took him up on his offer to help with:
“Yes, I need some help. What is the inductive reactance of this coil at 2.5, 3, and 4.7 kilocycles?”
Needless to say, I got my wish to be left alone to my own devices.
Reverse condescension FTW!
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sunshine_in_va Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 7:09 pm
Inductive reactance of a coil……. there’s some redundancy in there…..
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phil Jett Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 7:38 pm
I hate it when someone comments about a statement they have no clue about.
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sunshine_in_va Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 12:41 pm
???
Coils are inductors. So inductive reactance of a coil is REDUNDANT.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 12:59 pm
I think another jeff was just messing with the salesman’s head. Or I am just commenting on a subject I know nothing about.
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dto Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 1:39 pm
I knew a conductor. Name of Bob Coils. Resisted everything anyone wanted to play. I always thought he wasn’t properly grounded and was quite shocking in his manner of waving to the current suppliers of the energy of the sound in the room. He was always hitting on Sandra Malley…a bassoone player of sorted tales.
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phil Jett Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 1:47 pm
Really…REDUNDANT?….what about a coil of turd? Even a straight wire has measure of inductive reactance.
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WB in OH Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 2:37 pm
You boys should take this over to Popular Mechanics . com or something.
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Henderson Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 4:43 pm
Wouldn’t a coil have both inductive and capacitative reactance over frequency? But 4.7 KHz? Seriously, that’s the devil’s frequency!
I’d figure Radio Shack employees are more along the lines of left-handed smoke shifters and 4 yards of flight line these days.
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chill Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 8:24 pm
I’m not touching this shit (does Popular Electronics still exist?). I’m an actual electrical engineer, and this is not worth talking about. “Arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics: even if you win, you’re still retarded.”
.
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Henderson Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 4:45 pm
And wouldn’t reverse condescension be evaporation?
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It’s been too long since Jeff and Toney had kids. Your mind learns to tune out and be more accepting of that sort of behavior when they’re YOUR hicklets. But as they get older and behave better, your sensory denial doesn’t get as much practice and starts to fade.
So either Jeff needs to have another kid, or get a script for Xanax. I’m good either way.
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Funny thing….We went out to eat Friday night and I, of course, had no shortage of comments of the other patrons. My boyfriend commented to me, “Is there anyone that DOESN’T get on your nerves?’
No motherfucker, there isn’t. Next question.
The whole shuffling the feet thing drives me up the fucking wall. My co-worker does it daily and with every stride she takes. I finally spoke up. So now she does it just to piss me off.
I;ll tell you something that bugs the shit out of me…..is when people can’t eat a meal at the table, especially at a restaurant, without even lifting their elbows up off the table. They are practically slurping their food off their plate. Does it take that much effort to lift your hand to your mouth??
When I was a kid, I remember my sister was doing exactly that while eating spaghetti. My father told her a couple of times to stop slouching and get her elbows off the table. She didn’t. Next thing she knew, she had spaghetti up her nose after dad pushed her entire face into her plate. Don’t fuck with dad.
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Alex Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 4:49 pm
AGREED! When we have our office parties, there are a couple people in particular I make sure I don’t sit next to… You don’t have to worry about the other dogs stealing your food, its all yours, nobody is going to try any samples from your plate.. Seesh.
Then theres the coffee slurper… Hey mother fucker, you ever hear of blowing across your cup first? (Actual verbage used).
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SaucyDeb Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 10:31 pm
I had an uncle that would stab your elbows with a fork if they were on the table during a meal. He made my brother bleed once. Lesson learned..
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At least jeff waits for them to do something annoying before he gets pissed off.
I assume that everyone’s gonna piss me off and then i go all kneecaps and teeth on them.
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“Flesh-mound” had me in stitches!
I wish I could say you’re being too hard on people, but I agree 100% with you on every single point.
Especially the ATM thing. Fer cryin’ out loud, it’s a drive-thru– which means “convenient and quick.”
No, some soccer mom in her Hummer is sittin’ there, looking up checks from 1986, or something.
Makes me wish I had a plow on the front of the Corolla!
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Oh…and “staycation” annoys just as much, if not more than “vacay.” It sends me straight into “Hulk” mode! Are people really so lazy that they can’t speak in a complete sentence or thought? Sheesh!
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Somebody needs a Kit Kat break.
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another Jeff...alienjeff Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 4:26 pm
mmmmmmmmmmm…Kit Kat. And now with dark chocolate!
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My comment is awaiting moderation?? Holy fucksticks.
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Do you know people who say “no biggie?” Especially dudes? If so, fuck them.
Not literally.
Another one folks in these here parts are starting to say: “whatever, whatever.” It’s like “yada yada yada.” Some doofus ass teenager going, “So we went to the mall and whatever whatever.”
Isn’t that leaving out a bit much? What happened when you got there? You guys blew each other? You mugged a security guard? WHAT?!?
I mean if I’m gonna eavesdrop on your pointless conversation (“convo”), at least finish the FUCKING STORY.
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sunshine_in_va Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 7:12 pm
Now, now – don’t get “aggro”.
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doctorright Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 7:49 pm
Yeah, I need to get a beer and whatever whatever…
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While out among the unwashed masses, I spend a lot of time shaking my head and chuckling to myself about the ignorance and general loathsomeness of the majority of the population.
But get angry about it? To what end? IMHO, that’s an unnecessary expenditure of my energy. And if I’m going to regulate my salt intake so as to maintain manageable blood pressure levels, I’m sure as hell not going to let the behavior of said unwashed masses cause me distress. I’ve not given up alcohol to regulate blood pressure; I’ve given up getting pissed off at stupid/inconsiderate people. To me, it just makes sense.
When dealing with idiots and assholes, I guess I have a general notion that “you’re not worthy of my contempt.” Works for me.
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I had a douche bag in front of me at a fast food drive thu window not to long ago…… with his cell phone number written on the back window cuz the car was for sale. Heh, heh, heh….. I had a little fun with that one.
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This ties in with the what pisses you off question of the other day, and todays bunker pic;
IS IT THAT HARD TO COMPOSE YOUR PHOTOS SO YOUR DAMN MISFORMED FEET ARE NOT IN VIEW? Fire up the photo editor and do some cropping for crisesakes.
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another Jeff...alienjeff Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 5:08 pm
Crop the crap, fgs:
http://soupytrumpet.com/uploads/2008/02/download.jpg
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Alex Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 9:34 pm
Exactly.
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Linda Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 9:39 am
How about people who post 170 pictures on Facebook, and only about 50 of them are in focus? Why do they have to post ALL the pictures? Pick a few good ones and call it a day.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 10:06 am
Or a couple pics will be sideways…hey, meathead, you can rotate it.
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Jeff, I have it on good authority from several therapists that it is absolutely impossible for others to upset you – you upset yourself when you react in a non-rational way. You choose to be sad, mad, depressed, whatever. They swear it’s true, plus they have proof. Maybe. Maybe not.
To maintain “Serenity Now”, I myself picture the Buddha within me, radiant & perfect.
If that doesn’t work, I self-medicate with a couple of Xanax and three double scotches. I ain’t a crabass but I ain’t very patient either. To hell with these mouth-breathers.
Today’s quote, by one of the greatest misanthropes who ever lived: “If at first you don’t succeed, the hell with it. No sense making a damned fool of yourself.” W.C. Fields
Also, when asked how he liked children, he replied, “Broiled!”
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I went to a Target in Cincy and got a chair from over there in the desk and home stuff area. I took it to a closed check out lane and put it at the end there where the bags are. And I just sat there. Looking around doing nothing. Couple of people asked me if they could help me and I said no and thanked them. Sat there for almost an hour. Coulda ordered a pizza I guess.
(True story…hey…I walk a thin line)
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The general population more and more each day take advantage of other’s patience and respect. Year’s ago these people would of been beaten down by their own family members that is what Brothers, sisters and parents and teachrs use to do. That behavior would of been eased out of their systems before interacting with the general public.
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To steal from B&S, “Pick Up Your Feet Child, You Walk Like a Peasant”
That one annoys me too. It was endemic ~10 years ago when those retarded UGGGG boots were “the thing” to shuffle around in.
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bikerchick Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 9:06 am
Yes…UGG’s are an excuse to shuffle like a bum. But I think even worse are flip flops. The most annoying “shoes” on the planet. In my opinion, the only reason one should wear these horrible things is to the beach, pool, public shower or around the house.
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Henderson Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 4:51 pm
Unless you live in Phoenix. Then it’s anywhere, any time, any occasion. But at least get a damn pedi.
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I cannot stand people! They bug me, they annoy me, they piss me off. Snotty-nosed kids who aren’t watched by asshole parents, people who stop dead in the aisle in front of you, group hugs in the cereal aisle, those who can’t decide which cheap-o brand to toss in their carts, everyone ahead of you is heading in the same direction and some jerk comes at you on that side and expects you to move for them. I just plain hate people. Except for those on here. Have a beer, take a Xanax, stay home!
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I just read the first paragraph again whilst reading aloud to my husband as we often do with our evening cocktail and Jeff, you ain’t much different than you used to be as far as I can tell–you just laugh a little less. I think I recollect you and Toney making sport of snark about passers’ by and patrons in establishments you frequented. You’ve been in practice for this a long time.
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Jeezus Jeff – I think you need an extended “Vakay” (that’s how you spell it, btw).
8^)
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Joey Jo Jo Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 7:09 pm
There’s no “K” in “vacation,” You holler-dwellin’ bastard!
Joey Jo Jo
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sunshine_in_va Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 7:16 pm
Hmph. Guess you’re right. Google wouldn’t lie to me to, would it?
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johnthebasket Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 7:10 am
How does one determine the correct spelling of a word that doesn’t exist? I rather doubt that it CAN have a correct spelling by definition.
jtb
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Holy christ, the shuffling feet. Young girls and old chinese people. None of ‘em lift their feet.
Disagree about the samplers. They’re deciding whether or not to buy it, right? Why walk away, then come back if they want to buy?
I drink water out of a comically oversized plastic jug. All my life, I’ve drank at least a gallon of water a day, often more. But yeah, it annoys me to see Waddlin’ Zeke with a two-gallon popcorn and a jeroboam of Mountain Dew Severe.
Joey Jo Jo
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 10:12 pm
Jeroboam…you had to fucking look that up.
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Joey Jo Jo Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 1:57 pm
No, but you did…
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 6:05 pm
Oh, I readily admit that I did.
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Skip Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 1:27 am
I always get jereboam and nebuchadnezzar confused.
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WB in OH Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 7:49 am
I don’t think you can get mad dog in those sizes, I like the pint, fits nicely in the back pocket.
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johnthebasket Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 7:54 am
Sure, and if you run into Jeroboam there’s still enough for both of you until you reach the next 7/11.
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Okay, my recent WalMart story. I always go in as one of the people playing the game…but after coming out of a plastic surgeon’s office (long story, involved reattaching my EAR), I uncomfortably found myself playing the role of one of the people on the checklist! Oh yeah, the irony was not lost on me!
Of course, as with Jeff, my wife and I seemed to be stalked by “that” person in the motorized scooter. Every corner…there was this obese woman in a scooter ripping down the aisle as fast as she could go. I figured the auto parts section would be safe, so we headed over there. I was looking through the air filter application catalogue, and here here comes wheel chair Momma down the aisle. WTF?
And here is where it goes from coincidence to the Twililight Zone. My wife and I left the store, went over to Target…and within half an hour we were being mowed down by the same obese handicap woman in a scooter!
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Alex Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 9:28 pm
We have time for a long story.
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doctorright Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 10:09 pm
Ha- exactly what I was thinking.
Not laughing at your pain, clint.
I wouldn’t do that.
Unless your injury was moose-related.
I’d also laugh if you grabbed hold of Wheelchair Momma real good, and ripped her ear off.
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johnthebasket Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 4:08 am
Clint…
I just hope it wasn’t a case of Eriocephalus. I understand that sometimes the ear re-attachment associated with this bushy disorder causes your penis to fall off. Thankfully, I think you’re too far north to be discomfited by ths cruel disease.
Unfortunately, I guess you’re not far enough north to avoid being discomfited by Wal Mart. Se la guerre.
jtb
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bikerchick Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 9:10 am
WTF did you do to need your ear reattached??
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dto Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 11:54 am
Going van Gogh is the new Goth. It was a typo of sorts that seemed to stick. A guy in Canada wrote a letter to his friend in New Brunswick who was having relationship troubles. Seems he felt he was to old and didn’t fit in with her crowd and so his friend wrote and told him…”Van go goth”. The lack of a comma set the spiral in motion and that’s where we are today.
I like to walk around with a huge bandage wrapped around my left middle finger and when asked about it I tell folks I sprained it.
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If you want a really good read on a88holes try being a cop or firefighter for a while and have to deal with the room temperature IQ morons on a daily basis.
I was a firefighter on the last island before key west and that place has a oversupply of knuckle dragging poofters.
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bikerchick Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 9:11 am
Oh God…I would love to hear some of your stories!
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putski Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 8:01 pm
I’m hearing ya! I’ve been doing it for 18 years and the dipshits I meet on a daily basis make me think that there aren’t enough Darwin awards.
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Ohhhh, the Fucksticks that stand at the ATM. Especially the ones that don’t have any money in their account and stand there scratching their nuts trying to figure out what went wrong. So they try another card. Same thing. No money. Wait, maybe the ATM isn’t working properly. Lets try the first one again. Now lets check the receipt. Hmmmm, what do I do now? OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! I want to smash their face into the screen, take a dump on their dying body and then stand on it while I get my cash out.
There, now I feel better…..
No, really. I’m okay now.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 10:09 pm
The incredible assholes who drive thru the ATM the WRONG way because their passenger needs cash. Get out and walk up you waterhead asshole.
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Limey Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 1:43 pm
I’ve never seen or heard of that one before. My god people are assholes.
I will stand by my election manifesto that if we just culled
a. people who abandon grocery carts instead of taking them back to corral, “fuck you, I’m done with it”
and
b. people who mindlessly drive in the middle lane, “hey it’s easier for ME, fuck you”
our society would benefit enormously
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All you assholes who bash WV…suck it!
http://www.mainstreet.com/slideshow/lifestyle/smartest-dumbest-states
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The title of todays update is the second best bit of prose that has ever come out of The WVSR in my opinion. I’ve stolen it as my facebook status.
The only sentence that stand ahead of it is the comparison of Einstein asleep to “Gomer Pyle in a gas leak”. Man, I can’t even type that without laughing.
It’s simply brilliant. This is one for the books.
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All of these are legitimate, Jeff. Going crazy is a different question. Don’t mind if I do.
Current peeve: poor grocery store etiquette. Like people who push a cart into the store, then stop RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR to – dig out the shopping list? Behold the awesomeness that is Wegman’s? – thus blocking my way. These might be the same ones who abandon a cart, leaving it blocking an aisle, while they wander off to Frozen Foods or whatever.
.
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Linda Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 9:48 am
Watch out for the slow ass people who push the cart with their elbows or forearms. They’re bent over the cart, unless they’re short, and slowly pushing like they have all the time in the world.
People who walk next to their cart, pulling it by the side, also annoy me. There’s not enough room in the aisle for that! Get behind the damn cart and push it.
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Unfortunately, Moe’s annoys me. There is a formula to the restaurant copied many times over. Chipotle’s Freebird, Qudoba’s and countless other places serve the gigantic burritos containing 95% rice combined with a tiny amount of steak, chicken or whatever. I go to these places once and discover the rice burrito and never return.
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Jed Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 11:45 pm
I always tell ‘em to hold the rice filler. I’m not running a marathon for chrissake. I haven’t heard anything about the misery that starts before you even get in the store. I’m talking about the self absorbed soccer mom backing into her space with the cell phone clamped between her jowl and half neck. Its enough to make a tibetan monk kick over his mandala. Of course it goes without saying that the temple of miscreants, the veritable magnet for dumbassery is the DMV. I’m not talking about the staff either. In this age of the internet, there is no excuse for arriving with all of the paperwork you are supposed to have. Its aconstant
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Jed Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 11:51 pm
I always tell ‘em to hold the rice filler. I’m not running a marathon for chrissake. I haven’t heard anything about the misery that starts before you even get in the store. I’m talking about the self absorbed soccer mom backing into her space with the cell phone clamped between her jowl and half neck. Its enough to make a tibetan monk kick over his mandala. Of course it goes without saying that the temple of miscreants, the veritable magnet for dumbassery is the DMV. I’m not talking about the staff either. In this age of the internet, there is no excuse for arriving without all of the paperwork you are supposed to have. Its a constant battle between the slothful, ‘victimized’ masses and darwins theory of natural selection
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OK, what the hell? Is Jeff Hitler and all of you are shoving people in the grill? Chill out. People piss me off all the time, but it doesn’t mean this has to turn into some sort of lovefest of hatred. I read this everyday and generally enjoy the various comments and what not but today was just stupid. Get a life and for all you whiny babies out there, grow a pair. You don’t need to agree with everything Jeff says!
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Tipsey McChugney Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 11:14 am
You’re absolutely right, Jerdog. We just need to keep Christ in our hearts and hum the “Up With People” quietly to ourselves.
That will keep us on the shining path!
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Tipsey McChugney Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 11:17 am
That would be the “Up With People” theme song:
Up, up with people! You meet wherever you go!
Up, up with people! They’re the best kind of folks we know
If more people were for people
All people everywhere
There’d be a lot less people to worry about
And a lot more people who’d care.
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chill Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 6:50 pm
If I had Christ in my heart, I’d be afraid he might migrate to a blood vessel. That seems very likely to cause a stroke or some other serious problem, so no thanks.
.
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m Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 1:32 am
I think you are totally missing the point. We really are like this, we really don’t like most of the population. It’s not a mindless agreement of Jeff because we like him, we like him because we share a lot of the same views.
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johnthebasket Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 7:01 am
I hope that’s the Royal oui. In general I don’t have a problem with you being the Reporters’ spokesmodel, but CADude already summarized my position on this. He’s my spokesmodel today.
I like some people and just ignore the rest. I patronize neither Wal Mart nor McDonalds and only eat in non-chain restaurants, so perhaps I don’t run into the people who really seem to be burning a lot of Reporters’ butts.
“Jeff Hitler” manages to miss the point, the target, and the entire barn wall without having the redeeming value of being funny. Actually, it contains a small amount of irony because Jeff doesn’t like telling anyone anytime anywhere what to think.
jtb
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Linda Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 9:56 am
It’s not so much that Jeff hates these things, but the way he describes them is so funny.
They’re just little annoyances, but on a bad day they can get to you more. Maybe the next time someone won’t move away from the ATM I’ll think of Jeff’s observation and laugh to myself about it.
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johnthebasket Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 10:03 am
Jeff is a humor writer. It’s his job to notice the annoyances that dog us all and write humorously about them. When he is in this mode (a victim of coicumstance) he is at his very best.
I’m just surprized at the vehemence with which the Reporters are responding to the QOD.
jtb
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Tipsey McChugney Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 10:05 am
…and how come nobody ever gives Hitler any credit for the funny stuff he did?
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Tipsey McChugney Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 10:08 am
I am thinking of a Mel Brooksian chorus-line-dancing Hitler…..
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Someone needs some fiber!
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I agree with you too! I just thought I was easily annoyed, glad I’m not alone.
One thing that annoys me: planking. I don’t get laying in the middle of the road, on a hand rail, etc. Maybe I’m just too old and fat to get into the trend.
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chill Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 7:51 am
Planking. I had to google that. How very retarded.
.
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m Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 1:35 am
If you think that planking is retarded, google owling.
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bikerchick Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 9:09 am
Both are equally ridiculously stoopid. Maybe I’m just getting old but what’s the point to that idiocy?? Plank in front of my vehicle on my way home from work, with my current road rage condition, you’ll be involuntarily owling on the hood of my truck.
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Gretchen Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 10:21 am
Planking I could at least laugh a little at, particularly when shit like this goes down:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxmYuQarmhg
But owling is just flat out retarded.
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WB in OH Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 10:57 am
I look more like a teeter totter than a plank.
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bikerchick Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 10:59 am
HAHAHA!!! Wotta fucking dipshit!!!
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bikerchick Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 11:00 am
That reply was meant for the video Gretchen posted….
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I’m with you on 99% of your issues. The longer I work with people, the more I realize that society is absolutely going to hell, and if the world implodes in 2012 it will probably be more merciful than continuing in society. I also think that nurses and doctors should be issued fully-loaded syringes of Depo so when on trips to Wal-Mart or whatever gathering of the brain dead you happen to attend, you could just pop those that do not add to society. They would still be there, but the odds of procreation would be greatly decreased. My syringe would be empty by the time I got to the cart corral. Ugh, I’m such a bitch. I really need a job in the basement of a university, repairing book bindings or something.
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Gretchen Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 11:36 am
I actually did work in the basement of a university repairing books for a year. My boss wanted me there at 4 AM, but we compromised on 6. He was whacked out on espresso all day, had Rush Limbaugh turned up to eleven, and thrust his racist, sexist views on me at every opportunity. And I regularly was at the front end of a glue tsunami every time the adhesive machine that we ran buckram through got backed up. By the end of that year I had developed a Chief Inspector Dreyfuss twitch over my right eye. So, not necessarily as relaxing a job as you might think.
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m Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 1:29 am
I was more imagining a situation with email for communication with the outside world and a dumbwaiter to deliver the finished product. I just want it to be me and the books, maybe an Ipod when I need a bit of company.
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Gretchen Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 10:17 am
Yeah, I would have liked it that way too. Too bad it’s all just a fantasy. Though on the bright side, I was allowed into the rare books vault and got to handle Medieval manuscripts, which was pretty cool. Also, it just so happens that sewing bindings together on small books/pamphlets is a fairly zen-like experience that offset all the non-stop political ranting. I would have done that all year if allowed, but unfortunately most text blocks require gluing.
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Gaycay.
8 days no drinks.
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dto Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 3:55 am
Dude…congrats!
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johnthebasket Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 7:06 am
t-storm…
That’s great. Just take it one day at a time. It gets better and keeps getting better. I’m very proud of you.
jtb
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Gretchen, there’s a whole page of people here who need a Kit-Kat break. Everything will be just fine. Try to stay calm. Here’s the Reverend Horton Heat to rock you to sleep…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fXaIYB8-hE
jtb
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Gretchen Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 11:39 am
Horton hears a Who, all right. Thanks, JTB.
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Humanity is going to hell in a handbasket on every continent, I think. I was in the post office today and a woman’s cell phone rang AT FULL BLAST and she answered it AT FULL BLAST and carried on a conversation AT FULL BLAST. Jesus Christ, lady, I don’t fucking CARE about your bitchy daughter-in-law – keep it down already!
Thank Gawd they don’t go to the store in their pajamas over here (yet) but there are plenty of other annoyances in daily life over here. Not American-sized annoyances, but damn near.
Maybe I’m just getting crotchety. I sure am glad I have you load of crotchety folks to commensurate with!
Happy Tuesday, Surfers!
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Gretchen Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 11:40 am
This was on Cracked recently, Knucklehead. And I thought of you:
http://www.cracked.com/article_19363_6-reasons-your-plans-to-move-abroad-might-not-work-out.html
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Knucklehead Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 1:19 am
Thanks, Gretchen! I especially liked No. 2!
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…this just in…
I’m off to the DMV to re-up my CDL. New license time and a photo op. I’m wearing my old-school smoking fish shirt so it’ll now be in the anals of New Mexico forever.
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chill Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 6:58 pm
Sounds painful.
.
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johnthebasket Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 6:19 am
dto…
Are the anals of New Mexico some kind of openings in the ground that smell bad? They sound like candidates for National Monument status. That way they will stay forever in the annals of Congress.
jtb
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I really thought I’d have more patience at this point in life, but it hasn’t happened. Like the other day when this car took FOREVER to back out of a parking space. I’m sitting there waiting and muttering, “For God’s sake, quit fingering your vagina and BACK OUT”! Of course, it turns out to be a sweet little gray haired lady, who smiles & waves, like she’s thanking me for waiting on her. I thought, jeez, I need to take a deep breath and calm down. I just insinuated that someone’s Grandma might be fingering herself, thus, delaying my departure from a parking lot. Could it be that I’m the asshole??
Naaaaahh.
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Alex Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 4:44 pm
You never know, it may have been true.
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chill Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 7:01 pm
At this point in life (over 50), I find that I have, if anything, LESS patience for nincompoopery. “I know how to do this, and so should you.”
.
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Limey Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 7:19 pm
A couple of weeks ago, on a three lane piece of freeway, I overtook a semi that was extreme tailgating – two feet tops – the rear fender of a car dawdling along in the middle lane. (Since trucks are prohibited from the left most lane I think they’re semi (a ha!) justified in doing this). The semi was almost on top of the car so the truck driver would have been unable to see who was driving.
As I overtook the Mack/Toyota meld, I looked over expecting to see some asshat sending text messages. It was…… a Nun.
The truck exploded in flames a few miles later (probably).
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Her gaze locked on you via her mirror…
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Poop on their shoes
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I’m craving a cup of Tim Horton’s coffee but I would have to drive to WV to get one.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 8:02 pm
Sign says Open 24 Hours. Guess not in a row, huh?
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chill Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Steven Wright.
.
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Greg Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 8:18 pm
Maybe the one on Murdock is open??
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 8:20 pm
Yes to steven wright…i’m not going back out to murdoch. pisses me off tho.
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Greg Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 8:23 pm
What about 5th street?
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dto Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 9:00 pm
“Everything is in walking distance if you have the time”…s.w.
I wrote a Stephen Wright joke…I took my cat to the vet. It’s's nine months old. Not the vet the cat. I had to have it put to sleep. It had a bad case of curiosity.
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chill Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 9:08 pm
I love my apartment building because they let you have pets. I have a pony.
.
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Greg Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 9:10 pm
Shit, Chuck. I’ve read that a thousand times. I should have that memorized.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 9:23 pm
I went to 5th street. it’s only about a mile and a half from where i live.
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Greg Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 9:30 pm
Hope you got the Tim Horton’s hit that you needed.
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Fat people piss me off. I am not talking a few pounds overweight but the ones you get behind in line at WalMart, McDonalds, wherever and the first thing that comes to mind is “Holy Shit, how much did you eat to get your ass so big?” Then when I look in their shopping cart and see all manner of packaged high sugar/fat convenience food I want to grab them by the neck and ask why they think I (we) should have to pay for their diabetes care/scooter/foot amputation when all they need to do is eat a salad every now and again. And I hate realtors.
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chill Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 9:04 pm
I’m fat, as in big belly and I could stand to lose 50 lbs. What do I buy at the grocery store? Meat, vegetables, beer, cheese and, yes, salad greens. Packaged convenience food is bullshit and I don’t eat it. What keeps me fat is eating too much of the good stuff and getting no exercise. No diabeetus yet, knock on wood.
Last realtor I dealt with was when I bought the house in 1997. The minute I put a deposit down, he was on a vacation to the Caribbean. Figpucker.
.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 9:27 pm
i got on the scale today and i am at 206. at 5′ 10″ that means i could stand to lose ~30. sure, i would like to look like daniel craig but it ain’t happening.
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dto Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 10:43 pm
I’m 6′ 2″ and 180lbs and wear size 34 slim fit Wranglers and make no judgments about folks.If the fat assed purple swweat pants people at the store wanna waddle over to the Fiddle Faddle asile and shove that shit (yum) down their turkey necked gullet…let ‘em. I have no business judging people. Fuck with me…we’ll most likely have a proplem.
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doctorright Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 12:40 am
I am 4’8″ and 397 lbs.
My pants size is a shape. I wear “square.”
Let’s fight.
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bikerchick Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 9:22 am
doctorright: Laughing my “round” ass off!!
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Humans are odd to say the least.
But then again that’s just the nature of the beast.
Some are annoying
Some are deploring
And some are outright abhoring.
I like them in small small doses and the ones with up-turned noses leave me ill at ease.
Large or small I put up with them all and let them just do as they please.
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I’m just about where you are. Yea, we need to start walking at the park, or whatever.
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chill Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 9:52 pm
I’m 5-7 and 210. Maybe I need to start walking to the bar that’s 1/2 mile away. They do, after all, have Dogfish Head 60 Minute.
.
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
August 16th, 2011 at 9:54 pm
maybe we can work that out.
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Found this on wipedia……
“Serial killers and other sociopaths frequently express misanthropic attitudes. Serial murderer Carl Panzram was remembered for his violent and indiscriminate misanthropy. One of his famous quotes was “I wish all mankind had one neck so I could choke it”.
Heh. One neck.
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dto…
Are the anals of New Mexico some kind of openings in the ground that smell bad? They sound like candidates for National Monument status. That way they will stay forever in the annals of Congress.
jtb
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johnthebasket Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 7:41 am
dto…
Sorry, I’m not making fun of your spelling — I’m just having fun WITH it. I, myself, am a mangy speller. I do know how to spell Jeroboam, but I don’t know what the fuck it means.
I hope you took one of those “glamour shots” at the DMV.
jtb
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Jeff, I don’t think that there is anything wrong other than letting these screwed up piss you off. They were made to laugh at, not to cause ones shoulders to attach to ones ears.
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There’s this slightly portly guy who works in my building that does some very unimportant job…but ever time I’ve seen him in the morning and have to take the elevator with him he’s always in the biggest fuckin rush I’ve ever seen. Looks like he’s about to have a heart attack smacking buttons in the elevator. For some reason this annoys the shit outta me…I just want to grab him and scream and/or shoot him with a tranqualizer dart “Old School” style so he chills out.
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johnthebasket Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 9:57 am
Pam Ike…
There are no unimportant jobs — only unimportant people.
Maybe the guy is the House Dick and is ensuring your safety by keeping the hookers out.
jtb
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So what? Has this become the WVSR weekly?
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Honest to God, if you ain’t a misanthrope you ain’t trying.
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Jeff, you’re one of the worse when it comes ot using abbreviate/changed words. Sammich instead of sandwich, just to mention one. If you’re so bothered by other people doing very same thing you’re doing, then stop complaining about it or stop doing it.
And your complaint about the oversized drinks? You mentioned in a very recent update that you specifically go to McDonald’s to get a sweet tea that “comes in an enormous cup that almost requires two hands”. How is this different?
People who drag their feet/shoes drive me just as crazy. I recently purchased a pair of sandals that the easiest thing to do is drag them when I walk. Walking without dragging them is A LOT of work. Needless to say, I rarely wear them.
I couldn’t agree more about the sample eaters! What gets me are the ones who seem to eat the samples in place of eating lunch. They try everything, even if they know they’re not going to like it.
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