I was off from work yesterday, and it was nuts around our house, as usual. Sunny needed a refill of her oxygen tanks (she has lungs the size of teabags), and it triggered one of her episodes. She was agitated that two new tanks wouldn’t just instantly appear before her, and was ranting like the crazy person she is.
Eventually the younger boy and I jumped ship. I’d had enough of her crackpot ravings, so we took off. Funk dat.
We went to Wendy’s and I was alarmed to see that they’d changed their fries, to “natural-cut” with sea salt. I don’t care for that sort of thing, because it’s rarely an improvement. Upgrades often lead to tears, I’ve learned.
But, as it turns out, there’s nothing to worry about. The “new” fries taste almost exactly like the old ones. The sea salt makes them slightly better, in fact. So, we can all rest easy… Our national nightmare has been averted for now.
Then we went to Border’s, so I could pick out a new calendar for the bunker. Last year I went with the vintage Marvel Comics covers, and it did the trick. Sometimes I buy a calendar that seems cool at first, and I find myself regretting it by mid-February. But the one from Marvel had legs.
Choosing a calendar is serious business, because you’re making a twelve month commitment. There will be no real chance for a re-do until next December. So, I approached the task with a no-nonsense attitude, and tried to avoid making a ten-month mistake.
Yeah, and in the end I went with the 2011 version of Marvel covers. None of the others were doing it for me, so I played it safe. It was already marked down to 50% off, so it cost me $8.50. Not bad.
Do you have an interesting 2011 calendar? Or do you just tack-up some crap from the credit union, with stock photographs of waterfalls, etc.? I can’t do that… The bunker requires something a little more interesting.
While we were still at the bookstore, Toney called and was about ready to go on a homicidal rampage. “Let’s meet somewhere, and go have some beers at Cooper’s,” she suggested. It’s something we’d planned, but abandoned. Now it was on again?! No arm-twisting was required, and thirty minutes later we were seated inside the Beer Snob Tavern.
I had a Corsendock Christmas Ale, and a Pilsner Urquell from the Czech Republic. The Corsendock had a hell of a kick, and I decided I’d better quit after the Pilsner. I didn’t want to end up in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
However, I stopped at a grocery store on our way home, and bought a six pack of Anchor Steam Christmas Ale 2010. Tasty, but heavy… Toney said one bottle was like having a meal, and that’s pretty accurate.
After Toney and the boys went to bed I watched a documentary through Netflix streaming, about the death of independent record stores. It was OK, but not great. I wanted it to be better… Oh well.
Afterward, I ordered three books from Amazon: this one, this one, and this one. The first two were suggested by a literary agent I’m kinda sorta talking with, and the last one was suggested by my friend Tim.
Then I called it a night.
And that’s what I did on my one day off. Pretty exciting stuff, huh? Tonight I’ll be working an abbreviated schedule, until 10 pm. I have a feeling there will be a skeleton crew in that joint, after an outbreak of some kind of New Years Eve flu, or whatever. That illness usually hits our place on New Years Eve, goes into remission, and comes roaring back on Super Bowl Sunday. Weird, isn’t it?
I don’t know when I’ll be able to update again, but I’m doing my best here. Our “visitors” will be going home on Tuesday, so we’re getting near the end of this thing. Eventually you’ll get to read about all the insane shenanigans going on… <sigh>
As for a Question, I’d like to invite you guys to help me rename cable TV shows. Both our televisions are running wide-open at all times, because quiet makes Sunny nervous, and I’ve seen some of the stupidest shit ever, over the past few days. Like When Grizzlies Attack, and World’s Most Outrageous Car Chases, and that sort of thing. Very highbrow stuff…
But we need to rename the cable shows. Man vs. Food, for instance, should be called A Man Eats Large Sandwiches. And Ghost Adventures should be A Nostrils Lookalike Misinterprets Irrelevant Sounds. You know, that sorta thing…
Can you help me out with that one? Please use the comments section below.
And I’ll see you guys next year.
Have a great one!
First, and I don’t give a dingle
a single dingle?
Anchor Steam Christmas Ale = Liquid Bread
Tew.
Nope, free.
I regret that I have but one dingle to give to the comments…
Happy new year, everybody!
bazinga
I have The Onion’s News Explosion page-a-day calendar at work, and the New Hampshire Fish and Game Wildlife calendar for my home bunker.
Top 10? NFW!
I saw a young woman walking along the sidewalk yesterday wearing a wolf-head hat. looked a lot like the one on the bunker cam photo, except furrier. I guess it was from a costume with a little face hole cut out to transform it from the head of a costume to a bone fide hat. very weird. very awesome!
Check out these bear hats.
http://inapcache.boston.com/universal/site_graphics/blogs/bigpicture/nye_12_31/n03_26459947.jpg
30 minute meals = fuck this let’s go to outback.
Pawn stars = we get it you like old shit but won’t pay for it.
Robot chicken = nerd crack
The new fries are better my last Wendy’s experience was soggy ass fries the new ones are aweeesome
I should have gone right to the comments I guess…Once Larry, Zoe and Jim were done I looked like a tard….more like a tard…not only a firster but a failed firster.
The only shows that surprise me sometimes are the hoarder or addicition ones. Sometimes they fail which is doubly sad since they at least tried.
For the others…Just once I’d like:
– Ceasar to say “dis dog needs to be put down, here I’ll do eet right now”
– Guy to take a bite of some diner food “you know what bro? that tastes like shit dude”
– The young bald guy on storage wars to go on a murderous crime spree that ends with that arrogant SOB Dave bleeding out as the young guy and his wife Brandi sowly lower a storage unit door and lock it with Dave inside
– An old smoker like Dog stopping mid chase with his hands on his knees wheezing like a blacksmith’s bellows
– when will someone on Hell’s kitchen finally realize they have a knife in their hand when Gordon is calling them a fat useless cow?
I’ll think about the question because I sure as hell didn’t answer it here.
Here at work I have an Allen-Bradley calendar that I get from a vendor. The reason I like it above all the other calendars I’m given at this time of year is because it has a the previous two months and the future two months on the same page as the current month, that’s nearly half the year for those of you who are following along at home!
Speaking of home, did ever tell y’all my sister works for a credit union? That’s where my home calendar comes from.
Happy New Year everybody!!!
Oh AB the nerd calendar. Mines from parallax.
Speaking of work, I know of someone who would spend tons of money on buying people Christmas presents every year. For a couple of years this person would buy calendars for people.
A lot of people did not want them, and one year I ended up with two or three sets of calendars.
I think I ended up tossing all of them. Like you, I am picky about the calendar I use.
Oh, I also give two fat thumbs up to the new fries at Wendy’s!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……
my workplace would make an excellent cable TV show…
Extreme Car Dealing -or- When Salesman Attack
A&E already had(has?) a car dealership reality show…
http://www.aetv.com/kingofcars/index.jsp
That 70’s Show….My teenage years
Roseanne……Welcome to middle class America
As for calendars, I found a really cool calendar in the French Quarter a couple of weeks ago. I don’t usually venture our to “tourist land” but a sorority sister and her husband were visiting and the French Market is a requirement.
This calendar has all the MardiGras & holiday parades, all the festivals, (and believe me there are lots here), some concerts and other other events around New Orleans. I don’t usually pay full price for a calendar, but this one was well worth it!
Happy New Year!! I’ll be gone next week, taking my 8th Carnival cruise! I’m planning on keeping a drink in each hand and a permanent imprint on a deck chair with my oversized fanny!
“I Shouldn’t Be Alive” = “Stupid Lucky Bastards”
“When Animals Attack” = “The Darwin Awards”
“History Channel” = “Hitler with a Side of Aliens”
“Ax Men” = “Hicks in the Sticks”
That’s all I gots.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!
“History Channel” = “The Hitler Channel”
Yeah, we’ve all heard that one before. But I swear they started adding aliens to the mix now, like other formally reputable channels have done. I could have been drunk, but I swear I remember a commercial advertising an alien vs. Egyptians show and saying, “E tu History Channel?” Maybe it was just the Discovery Channel. Or the Creme de Menthe talking.
All late about it but I have on my dvr right now, “Aliens and the Third Reich”!
So I wasn’t imagining things!! I’m guessing the History Channel started running low on Hitler Milk, so they threw aliens into the mix to keep the stories flowing.
Semi-Homemade = Sandra gets Smashed
The View = Squawk Box
Dancing With The Stars = Hoofin’ with the Has Beens,
“Hoofin’ with the Has Beens”. HA, HA, HA, LOVE IT!!
We call Semi Homemade w/Sandra Lee “Let’s have a drink! With Tablescapes!”
Jeff…
I didn’t see a pattern in the three books you ordered from Amazon; hope you used your link (I don’t do emoticons). If part of the idea is to read well-written books that contain writing you might emulate, I don’t think you need a role model.
In any case, if you want a book on writing, I recommend Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. If you want to read a funny, well-written book, try Operating Instructions, also by Anne Lamott.
Of course, I’m webily ready to follow, wherever your creative passions lead.
.
Gretchen…
Good to hear from you. I thought you might be snowbound somewhere northwest of Philadelphia. I was hoping you’d write a little essay, “I Lost it on the Main Line” when your half-frozen carcass was recovered. Perhaps you had already lost it. That’s certainly none of my business. Glad you’re OK.
.
This year I had a Three Stooges calendar. Last year it was a Hubble calendar. I’ll soon be shopping for 2011, and I’m shying away from When I’m an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple, and favoring the Lisa Sparxxx.
Warmest New Year wishes…
jtb
Thanks for your well wishes, JTB. I made it back to Pittsburgh late yesterday, thank gawd. I had to extend my stay in the Philadelphia area by two days. Yesterday morning I got into it with my version of Sunshine as to whether URLs and UPC codes were one and the same. As any grown person whose thinking is based in reality knows, they are not. And at that point there was really only one thing to do to protect my sanity: get on the Turnpike and mash it. Ah Pittsburgh, I kiss you!
Lisa Sparxxx. If such calenders exsist that’s what I’m going with.
Every year, I buy the same 3 calendars: 365 Kittens for the wall, and the page-a-day Jeff Foxworthy and Dilbert desk calendars. 🙂
Forgot to add the perpetual Scripture-verse-a-day flip calendar. 🙂
Seanette…
I’m gonna regret asking, but I’m interested in a calendar that is both perpetual and flip. Do the days keep flying off, no matter the passage of years? I have a perpetual calendar in my appointment book, but it just sits there doing little or nothing. Happy and prosperous New Year to you.
best…jtb
Wirebound little deal that sits on a shelf, I turn a page each day and at mid-year turn it around and go back to the front cover one page per day. 🙂
Now playing on the computer speakers w/subwoofer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqeOlQEW5SU&feature=related
I swear, Joe Cocker will never stop rocking.
jtb
Another if I haven’t put it here before. Stewart before he became a cartoon character:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLhoLkTyNkM
That just kicks ass.
Even out on his own he did OK. I still have the Every Picture Tells a Story album in regular rotation.
Thanks for the fine music, WB. Happiest of New Years.
jtb
Damn, sorry Chuck. Obviously it’s you. Between the two of you, even though your musical tastes are different, I get turned to all kinds of terrific music. So I wish BOTH of you a joyous, tuneful New Year.
jtb
No worries, mate. I guess I lost interest in ol’ Roderick when he started the disco stuff.
Death Before Disco!!!
Damn! I forgot to watch Hoarders and Intervention while I was here…
Happy New Year, Surfers!
Safe travels to you. Stay in touch.
Happy New Year!!1
I echo Chuck’s wishes. May you always find the road ahead rich with new experiences.
And, for crying out loud, write if you find any extra jobs in Italy.
jtb
Thanks, guys!
I’ll be around!
Not to be honking my “brush with fame” horn, but my former brother-in-law was featured on an episode of “intervention.” He was the one in my ex-wife’s family that everyone thought would go on to be the shining star of the family. Sadly, they were correct.
I have absolutely no idea why I love Kathy Griffin so much, but if you’re not out pounding shooters or pounding snow or cheese tonight, try the annual Anderson Cooper/Kathy Griffin show from Times Square. Several years ago, Ms. Griffin actually began hurling objects at the performing Jonas Brothers; Mr. Cooper is a little straight. They make a fine team.
jtb
That’s the first time anybody has called Anderson Cooper straight!
Good – Point well made. Ironically, Kathy is the LGBT social activist of the two, but your observation is pithy and funny. Thanks….
jtb
I will be watching, I love seeing Anderson giggle like a little girl.
Giada at Home = Chuck Dreams of one in the Upper Deck
The View = Cooter Hooters (hat-tip to Greg)
Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives = White-Trash Cuisine
Hell’s Kitchen = My Year at KFC
hey! i love ghost adventures! and i dont like the new wendys fries, i think the old ones were better but i do agree thats theres not too much of a difference. i just dont care for them. as far as calendars, i just go to the 99 cent store and pick up anything, scenic views, puppies, baby animals etc. it really dont matter to me as long as i know what day it is.
Theresa, a ghoul is haunting your shift key. Happy New Year in any case.
jtb
I think “The Real Housewives of (Wherever)” should be called “The Silicone Housewives of “Wherever).”
Also, the Bunker Cam pic looks like that one scene out of “The Shining” with the guy dressed as the dog. CREEPY.
I thought it looked more like a visual set-up for the “aristocrats” joke…..
That’s funny cashoe! Ha!
Picking out calendars is my mother’s sacred trust. Last year we got one that makes a different bird sound every month. The zoo always looked around for the loons in the kitchen– every time! This year it was illustrated cats for me and Natl Geo for my husband. He also has a perpetual verse-a-day and a desk calendar. I usually end up asking him what day it is, anyway,
Your mom has always picked out awesome calenders for us! The bird deal was a bit unnerving at times, (example would be before morning coffee!!!…HINT!)
Anyway, at least we know where our calendars are coming from for years to come.
Do you think she would get us a nekkid girl calender next year? I mean…well…
I know…the couch…
Dammit!
Running With Scissors has some hilarious weird family stuff, so I can see why it was recommended. Watch out for the cholesterol cream scene.
I love Ghost Adventures too! Its the better show out of the bunch that are on. In fact I have it on now. A whole marathon! I also am lovin the new Wendys fries. As long as they are crispy. Sea sallt would be good in shit on a stick. Billy the Exterminator – I kill bugs but mullets never die. American Pickers – If you really think we get that much money for this shit then you should see the Harley Davidson Knuclehead up my ass. Dr. Oz – I make gazillions from this show and all I have to show for it are these scrubs.
The Biggest Loser – Jillian Michaels really is a tranny!
Can’t contribute as I just use calendars on the computer.
Just wanted to comment though that future evidence made me lmao, wtf?
& Say, Happy New Years surf reporters!!! you’re a few hours closer than myself.
Since the Far Side quit doing calendars, I have no interest.
I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant = I’m a dumb ass who thought I had food poisoning, gas, and gained 30 pounds in 9 months for no reason.
Happy New Year, friends.
TLC= P.T. Barnum’s Sideshow Freak Extravaganza.
Happy New Year to all you east coast Surf Reporters.
2011 should ROCK!
Intervention = Tomorrow
I hear that.
Hello 2011! I woke up this morning feeling good. Tried out a new colone last night that seemed to be to everyone’s liking. I’ve also had some dental work done as of late to replace a lower front tooth I broke off a few months back while eating ribs (yum) that kept me looking stupid no matter my level of coolness. My skin too had recently developed a rash from being dried out. The combination of the hard water here and dollar store body wash was the cause. Found a good body wash that helps the skin hydrate and stay soft. I’ve gone back to wearing my contacts too and that too is an improvement in my appearence. So…add it all up…I am new and improved with a new fresh scent. Softer and more absorbant with a great new appearence. I am toilet paper.
My aching head.
Happy New Year, Surfers!
Haven’t watched TV since the last out of the Worlds Series. In fact, I just cancled the service to this house and the retrivel box for the reciever arrived yesterday. I am by myself (except for Poop-Doggie-Dogg) and quiet is my kingdom. Not much help on shows. I’d watch IFC and MLB and that was it. Honest. Even the IFC commericals bugged me so bye,bye. Now I read and listen to music of my choosing now and then. I would ask…is the Wesley Snipes Gym Workout thing still on? I see it in the guide. That should be renamed. “Your Own Yard Workout”…order now and get free shippipng and pay no tax. I see he’s teaching yoga now to some inmates. Coming soon…Wesley Snipes signature series yoga mat…”Just like the one I use in prison.”
I’m with you Jeff on the office calendar needs. Try as I might, some years are filled with wonder and some are forgettable. Or even worse, down right annoying.
This year I went with a calendar of retro travel posters. I think it has possibilities. January is a poster advertising the Montreux Hotel Metropole Schweizerhof. Cool poster. But looking forward I sense a French connection. The months are given in English and French. January/Janvier. Sheesh. Wish I had noticed that sooner….
Any Reporters who played Kathy Griffin’s drinking game last night ought to be waking up about now. I tried to count the number of times she made Anderson Cooper giggle like a girl, and I make it about 35, give or take a few giggles. Not as much fun as the fucks in Deadwood, but fun nonetheless.
This year, Kathy was contractually obligated not to swear, so she decided to see how many times she could make Anderson say “ball” or “balls”. I think she sucked him in a half dozen times.
The stream of the last hour or so is available at CNN. Just searching for “cooper griffin 2011 video” should find it. I do love that woman.
Happy New Year to all.
jtb
And I guess the oddsmakers who made Nebraska a 14 point favorite over Washington were wrong. Lots of fans in the Great Pacific Northwest are counting their winnings this weekend. On a splendid, sunny-cold day here, it is heartening to know how badly the bookies took it in the ass.
jtb
Dooooo you realize?
The Soup called Ghost Adventures……Guys Taunting Air. I loved it!!!
Watchin’ my Penguins take on the Washington Capitols after an 8 hour rain delay for a crowd of 70K. Yea, outdoor hockey at Heinz Field! Temp: 46F. Tostitos Fiesta Bowl will be on the bottom TV.
Just about every show on television could be renamed “waterworks”. Has anyone else noticed this? It’s hard to make it through an entire show where someone doesn’t break down and start crying. And WTF is up with that? Why is everybody crying all the time?
Because they’re all pussies.
indeed
Chuck…
Well he sings a little better than Pele, but lacks the haircut to be a great player.
(Now, where’s that Reply key)
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/90ISK1/i.cdn.turner.com/si/.element/img/4.0/global/swapper/201012/101229.12.jpg
jtb
This is my calendar, every year since 1976.
http://www.ridgid.com/Tools/Calendar/index.htm
I’d like a Bunker Calendar – chock full of Kayisms and Bunker cam pics.
I’d also like to rename most reality shows to “Canceled”
I had a Spam calendar a couple of years ago. That was cool.
Regarding the renaming of TV shows, I don’t see enough of them to make me qualified to have an opinion. Well, except for that thing R. Lee Ermey does (shooting guns etc.) ought to be called “How the Mighty Have Fallen”.
.
Chill…
I might have missed the memo. Is there a new rule here that says we have to KNOW something about the subject to comment on it? Now I’m totally screwed.
jtb
Wait a second… are you saying we can just MAKE SHIT UP? Holy crap. That opens up a whole world of possibilities.
.
Well, technically there’s a universe between not knowing a subject and making shit up about it. This is a distinction not recognized in politics and in certain areas of Major League Baseball, particularly about being poked in the ass with a syringe or some other pointy object.
So, unless we hit above the Mendoza line, I don’t think we’re supposed to make shit up, but that shouldn’t keep us from having an opinion. That’s just my opinion, uninformed as it is.
jtb
I have found that if you come home late at night wearing makeup, you had better make up something really quick or you will spend the rest of your life trying to make up for something that may or may not have happened.