| Clean
Living in
the Great Midwest
December 22, 2004 Where in the holy hell is Jason Castleberry? When I got this gig, I had dreams of Chris and Randi coming back and the Surf Report having a columnist for every day of the week. Sure it would cost Jeff a shitload to host us all, but it would be worth it. Especially since it’s not my money. Jeff could punch out his 1000 words of daily gold and the rest of us could provide more fodder for the comments section. Now we’ve taken a step backward – Chris and Randi are nowhere to be seen and Mr. Castleberry has dropped off as well. This will not stand. I am taking it upon myself to find this guy and drag him back – consider this an all points bulletin. I cannot allow myself to enjoy another dick joke until I know that Jason is safe. Mr. Castleberry was last seen on October 21st, 2004, wearing a green shirt, devouring a Miller Highlife while preparing to punch somebody. Most witnesses reported that Mr. Castleberry had been frozen in this position for several months. Preliminary investigation reveals that Mr. Castleberry might be at any one of the following locations: Playing halfback for the Menard Yellowjackets. Finishing fifth place in the first heat of an Arkansas dirt track race. Being recognized for his commitment to academic excellence, leadership and service. Being sued by the state of South Dakota. Still writing about fucking online poker. Tracking down the retard that unintentionally gave their column a name that is incredibly similar to his. “Classic Living in the Peach State” vs. “Clean Living in the Great Midwest”? Somebody needs to a good punching. Actually, it would be pretty easy to find him – there are several email addresses and phone numbers for the guy all over the Internet. Instead I’ll provide some unauthorized speculation. This job is kind of hard. Some of the world’s top comedians have been doing the same act for 30 years. Coming up with something new and different every week that might make somebody laugh would be exceedingly difficult for the world’s “funniest” people, let alone some guy in Georgia. It’s amazing to me that there are people in this world who blog funny on a daily basis. The comments section can be cruel. For the most part, people have been really great to me since I’ve been here. However, nothing is out of bounds. In response to what I considered a happy little story, some guy called me a “pussy non-American cum guzzling ass bandit”: I suppose the issue of whether or not I am a pussy is relative. I’m pretty sure I could kick that guy’s ass - but if I found myself standing toe-to-toe with Buck…Can you say thumb-sucking-fetal-position? I have a social security card and I enjoy baseball and apple pie a great deal – I’m an American. While I am quite fond of the word “guzzle” and I am known to guzzle things on frequent occasion (quick relevant aside - thanks Dr Squila - your concern for my well-being is appreciated, unfortunately my HMO only covers visits to Mean Dr Lily), I do not ever recall guzzling (or any other synonym thereof) any cum in my lifetime. Finally, I am merely a junior bandito. I have yet to be granted bandit status in any capacity, much less the elevated level of assistant. To tell you the truth, I’m more of a breast man myself. Whatever, the point is that people do not hesitate to tell you that you are not entertaining them and you don’t have the benefit of asking the bouncer to throw them out if you start bombing. It’s totally easy to quit. Just stop sending them. You don’t have to be friggin’ Columbo to figure out that Jeff isn’t going to chase you down and beg you to submit. I’m talking out of school here when I say this because I don’t have any inside information as to the terms on which these people left, but you guys need to come on back home to the WVSR. Read more, write more, get funnier every week – go ahead and get into it with the people on the comments forum, they seem to like it. It all boils down to the fact writing for this zine is a privilege granted to a lucky few and should be treated as such. That’s all I got. Thanks much to everyone that commented and or sent an email. I wish you peace, good cheer, football and beer this holiday season. Love, JRM Comments to metten0@lycos.com <<previous next>> |
