by JRM

June 28, 2005

I have long been a believer that violent video games have done a service to society rather than contribute to its breakdown.  They provide an outlet for relief of stress at a level that has never been seen before in the history of humanity.  I’m sure you’ve had somebody tell you at least once that it is better to take your frustrations out on an inanimate object rather than another person. Video games take it one step further.

A good number of times I have had a terrible day or had one bad thing or another happen to me.  Rather than be a dick to my family or coworkers, I’ve found it’s best to go home, grab a beer, pop in a video game and blow a few people’s heads off.  It’s quick and easy and it makes me feel better.  All at the expense of nobody.  Even in extreme cases where unbalanced individuals are unable to draw a line between fantasy and reality, I really think that violent video games help to identify those people rather quickly with a minimum number of casualties.  I mean really, which would you rather have – a guy who kills one innocent person by driving around and firing out their car window or a guy who quietly and methodically carves people up and buries them in his basement for years before he is caught?

As I stand here in the K-Mart parking lot, beating an old woman in an effort to get her to let go of her purse, I am beginning to rethink that theory.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have played all that Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.  

Sure, it enhanced my problem-solving skills and hand/eye coordination, but at what cost?  I was only slightly thankful for these new attributes as I pulled the small Hispanic man out of his vehicle. I've always thought it was funniest to run the guy over after you jack his car.  I threw the purse on the passenger’s seat as I thought about how the last three games had much better radio stations.  No Donald Love, no 80’s cocaine innuendo, no N.W.A. – just commercials for how I can get out of debt and that same Sugar Ray song.

Ahhh, the familiar lights and sirens…I must have a star.  No worries.  I’ll just keep driving until the cops give up.  I can’t believe I got a star just for beating up an old lady.

Man these guys don’t give up!  Could I possibly have two stars?  I keep looking up to the top of the screen, but I can’t see anything. This is hardly worth the guilty conscience the sarcastic GTA commercials gave me about the way I live my life.  I actually decided against buying the SUV because GTA made fun of me.

Holy crap! The number of cops on my tail looks like I must have four stars.  That old lady must have been the Don or something.  I gotta find a spray shop.  I don’t see anything except for car dealerships and Old Navy.  I gotta find it quick or the National Guard will be on my ass!  Hey, I don’t remember anything about a spike strip!  Great.  Now the car’s rolling.  Finally, it’s come to rest upside-down.  I better get out and run before it blows up in a couple of seconds.

I definitely don’t remember anything about being tackled by a gang of cops.  Wait! Stop it!  Okay, seriously, I’m busted.  Instead of beating me to death with control sticks, shouldn’t you just take my weapons and send me back to the beginning?  This game totally sucks ass! It’s not realistic at all!  I’m never buying another Rockstar game again!

Oh, and I went to work today.  It sucked.

Love,

JRM

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