by JRM

May 18, 2005

I am a parent; but, I haven’t been a parent for very long. It seems like only a few short days ago that I was staring at my wife, particularly the giant haematoma-looking protrusion in her abdomen and wondering just what the fuck I had done to this woman. I was terrified. I read all the books. I went to the class. I even cut the umbilical chord after my son was born.

When the time came to actually do all the dad stuff, I jumped in and tried my very best. Eventually, with tons of ‘expert’ advice and practice, I got the hang of it. I could change a diaper with one hand while using the other one to simultaneously keep the kid from falling off the changing table and protect my tie from surprise urine attacks. I learned to apologize profusely to my fellow restaurant patrons while over-tipping the wait staff while eating my meal. I quit going to movies. I learned about the phenomenon that I call, “shitsplosion”.

Even with all that advice, coaching, practice and experience - nobody taught me what should be the first rule of children’s television. As a public service to all of you new parents out there, go get a pen, ‘cause here it is:

I promise. You will thank me. Make yourself up a little sheet for scoring at home. Look for annoying characters. Watch out for an excess of toyetic (definition: something from a show that can be made into a toy your kids will have to buy) items. Be wary of songs- no matter how lame they are, they will stick in your head for days. The more stupid a program is, the more your kids will like it. Children’s programming is just like crack – if you let them watch something once, they will always want it. If you’re not careful, you’ll eventually become broke and worthless from buying all their crap…and then you’ll let it kill you. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen. And this could all be prevented if you would just watch the show before you let your kids see it.

I had intended on going down the list and critiquing every show I have to watch a la the Fast Food Review. As I am out of space, I will simply warn you about the worst of all Children’s programming. Not worst in the sense that it will teach your children how to cook methamphetamine in the basement, but worst in the sense that it will make you broke, bitter, belligerent, any other alliteration you can think of, as well as seriously pissed off:

Thomas is not a train. The next guy that walks up to my kid and says, “Hey little boy! You like Thomas the train huh?” gets a punch in the larynx, then a kick in the coccyx, and then an open-handed slap to the balls…twice. If somebody walks up and hands you a single metal link, are you gonna say, “Hey!! Thanks for the chain!!!”? Of course you’re not. You’re gonna say one of three things: 1) “What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” 2) “I’ve always wanted a steel cockring!!” 3) “Thanks. Only 200 more of these things and I’ll have a chain.”

There are certain things in life that just can’t be without all of its parts: without several links, you have no chain; without several cars, you have no traffic; a one man conga-line is not a conga-line, but rather a lonely, drunken idiot. Thomas is a TANK FUCKING ENGINE - he is not a train. The best he could possibly hope for is to pull a train…like your dad did every Saturday night when you were a kid…dumbass.

Okay, now that I have that out of my system, let me just say that Thomas & Friends is the absolute favorite show of all time at my house. When you first start watching it, their creepy faces are going to fuck you up for a while. They are stationary and unnatural and they are guaranteed to give you creepy, fucked up dreams until you get used to them. Have fun with that. Also, most of the people involved are British (not that there’s anything wrong with that) so the engines say things like, “You are looking smart with that new coat of paint Thomas! Look, there’s our friend Larry the Lorry!! He’s got a creepy fucking face glued to the front of him!” Smart? Lorry? Fish and Chips? Dentistry? What a strange world we live in…

And then there’s the merchandise. Every one of those engines costs like $12.99. Then there are the videos, and the play table, and Cranky the damned crane, and four different kinds of tracks…don’t even get me started on the tourist trap they call “A Day Out with Thomas”. Just like the casinos, the sole mission of the Thomas & Friends people is to make sure you don’t walk out before they get every dime in your pocket. Be afraid. Thomas is a bad, bad tank engine. And he’s out there on the streets…And if your kids get a hold of him, they will love him…And from there – there’s no coming back.

Love,

JRM

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