the Great Midwest
November 23, 2004
I am writing to let you know that I am available to serve as witness on your behalf should you ever find yourself the defendant in any case involving your hiring practices insofar as the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 is concerned. After my experience at one of your locations today, I am more than comfortable putting my hand on the Holy Bible and telling anyone who cares to hear that you, in fact, do not “discriminate against qualified individuals with a disability because of the disability of such individuals in regard to job application procedures, the hiring, advancement, or discharge of employees, employee compensation, job training, and other terms, conditions, and privileges of employment”.
As “Darla” (This may or may not be her real name. I didn’t catch it during my visit, so I’m just guessing.) called me to the chair, I noticed that she might have been a little more “special” than your average Supercuts employee. However, she was pleasant and professional, and clearly doing her best to accommodate me as a customer. She sat me down in the chair and fitted me with the special “fat-guy smock” (an innovation that I have really come to appreciate) and I barely noticed the difficultly that Darla had with the snap in the back. Darla listened attentively as I explained how I wanted my hair cut. She then proceeded to attach the proper guide to the clippers and got to work.
As the tiny vibrating blades advanced toward my skull, I couldn’t help but notice that Darla’s hand was shaking like Michael J. Fox after a twelve-day methamphetamine binge. I remember thinking two things simultaneously: First was the satisfaction that I was a patron in an establishment that clearly does not “limit, segregate, or classify a job applicant or employee in a way that adversely affects the opportunities or status of such applicant or employee because of the disability of such applicant or employee.” Second was the notion that this lady was going to fucking kill me. I must admit, that in a period of weakness, I considered getting up, walking out and going back to work (this was my lunch hour) with a four-inch stripe shaved into my head. Fortunately, I was able to overcome my insensitive instincts and remain seated.
Further, I understand that Darla was taking advantage of “reasonable accommodations to the known physical or mental limitations of an otherwise qualified individual with a disability who is an applicant or employee” when she grabbed my face and pushed the back of my head against her breast-plate and between her breasts in order to steady things so that my dome no longer vibrated along with the clippers. While the quaking of her breasts in tandem with my head briefly reminded me of my college days, I snapped back into reality when I remembered that Darla was quite a bit older and not especially attractive. To her credit, Darla’s chest did smell a lot like Tide.
Again, I must admit to you a moment of weakness when Darla broke out a very sharp and pointy pair of scissors with which she intended to “blend in” the area not taken care of by the clippers. When she grabbed a lock of my hair between her index and ring fingers, I began to shiver with fear. This fact was not apparent to anyone else in the establishment since my hair was now attached to Darla’s hand, causing my head to shake like a freshly mixed can of paint in the machine at Home Depot. While my response was not entirely appropriate, I do not think it will have any bearing on my effectiveness as a witness to your firm’s complete compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990.
Finally, I do have a small complaint as well as a couple of requests. Darla’s “unique” method of haircutting caused all the freshly cut hair to vibrate past the fat-guy smock, into my shirt as well as my undergarments. Please try to come up with some sort of device that Darla could use to prevent this from happening in the future. All this hair caused me to itch badly for the rest of the day. I could easily have been mistaken for one of the guys in line at the free clinic and in the professional arena in which I am employed; frequent itching of one’s genitals is not accepted as positive. Also, would you be kind enough to provide me with Darla’s work schedule? I think I might have it on my schedule to be raped while getting a root canal every day that she works.
Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to serving your expert witness needs.