Let’s Take A Look At A Page From My High School Newspaper

dhsA few days ago my friend Tim sent me a scan from our old high school newspaper, The Kennel.  We were the Dunbar Bulldogs, and somewhere back in the 1940s or whatever, they decided it would be cute to call the newspaper The Kennel.  It was high douchery, but I had nothing to do with it.  I will not be held responsible.

Anyway, it’s a page where they list the so-called Senior Stars.  Here it is.  As you can see, I’m somehow included.  I suspect there were about 60 votes in the “wittiest” category, and 40 people were nominated.  I probably won with 3 votes.  Who knows?  Maybe I should demand to see the files, via the Freedom of Information Act?

Here are some quick notes on this valuable historical document:

  • April May 1981?  We couldn’t even manage to publish an issue every month?  Lameness.  I was assistant editor of The Kennel, so that might have been part of the problem.
  • There’s a photo of me and Jennifer, my wittiest counterpart, in the yearbook.  It shows her leaning against a tree, and I’m climbing up behind her, between the branches.  It’s goddamn stupid.  But I was yanked from a class to take that HILARIOUS shot, and afterward I just meandered home.  I didn’t have the heart to go back into the school, so I called it a day.  The assistant principal gave me a mini-raft of shit about it the next day, but threw in the towel when he saw I couldn’t give a single dingle about whatever it was he was blathering on about.
  • My good friend Steve was named Most Likely to Succeed.  And he succeeded… very well.  Also, he just sent me a text message, telling me he picked up the new Eels album, at Best Buy.  It’s crazy how we’re still having 1981-style conversations, in 2013.
  • Another good friend, Mike, was judged to have Most School Spirit.  He and I set off a firecracker in the bathroom of a discount store in Dunbar one afternoon, and nearly caused an old man to prolapse his anus in the corner stall.  Security guards roughed us up a little bit, and Mike told them his name was Zippo Hartley.  Our parents were eventually notified, but in the grand scheme of things… it was a minor offense.
  • Bee Bee, who was voted Most Talkative, sometimes comments here.  I think she lives in New Orleans now.  I can remember throwing eggs at houses on Halloween one year, and Bee Bee was with us. Heh.
  • The lists of 10 seniors you’d most like to go out with, is kind of surprising.  I don’t think they’d do something like that nowadays.  Or am I wrong about it?  It seems like something that would cause problems.  You know, like ballot stuffing, campaigning, and ultimately suicide.  It must be difficult to be almost popular, right?  I wouldn’t know.
  • A funeral home advertised in our high school newspaper?  What were they saying?  Prom season is coming up!  Not to mention Senior Skip Day, and graduation.  We’re here to serve, when things take a tragic turn!
  • Remember the story about Rocky and me crashing a no-alcohol party, and turning it into fantastic mayhem?  The host of that party wrote the “Night Hawks” review, at the bottom of that Kennel page.  Sorry, Mary!  Or… you’re welcome.  I’m still not sure.
  • After the so-called Senior Stars were named, some guy from our class walked up and told me I didn’t deserve to be Wittiest.  He said my friend Bill should’ve gotten it.  Bill is one of the funniest people I know, and still cracks me up.  So, I would’ve had no problem if he’d taken the honor.  In fact, I’m sure I voted for him.  But what kind of dick says something like that to a person?  Fuck that guy.

And I need to call it a day, my friends.  I hope you enjoyed our little walk down the memory hole.

I’ll see you again tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker
Try Dropbox! It’s free and fantastic.

42 Responses to “Let’s Take A Look At A Page From My High School Newspaper”

  1. First?

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  2. Voted most likely to be ‘second’

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  3. oooh a threesome

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  4. I want to know how Jackie “Ajax” Campbell got his nickname.

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    Theresa Reply:

    I was thinking the same exact thing.

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    LOL, just off of his first name, plus he was an athlete, and a damned good one at that. And we all know that athletes can’t just go by their actual first names, right? Ervin “Magic” Johnson, Ed “Too Tall” Jones, Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington, etc.

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  5. I wonder what Linda Goldman looks like now? I’m bitter against all the high School Linda Goldman’s. I hope she has an ass you can watch “Lawrence of Arabia” on.

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    Root 66 Reply:

    …in CinemaScope!

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    hot fuzz Reply:

    Good luck tomorrow Madz!!!!

    Just as you’re going under, yell out “dive dive all dive” then make the the submarine klaxon sound,

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    Henderson Reply:

    At my 10 year reunion [which was 22 years ago], lot’s of the hot girls had gotten fat, lots of the plain girls had bloomed, etc, etc. The best part was that the “popular” kids hadn’t done *anything* with their lives. They still lived in town, still hung out with the same people, and their idea of “well traveled” was a couple of weekends in Cancun.

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  6. Sorry: Off topic and possibly political, but you are the only people I can tell this to.

    Fuck me the Army is getting screwed. If congress doesn’t give me some money it may be lights out for this major Arizona installation. Literally, we might not be able to mpay our electric bills, garbage bills, or feed any of our soldiers if they don’t figure this shit out.

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    m Reply:

    But don’t you see, their are millions of lazy assess sucking off the public teat that REALLY need that money. Really. You can fight a war on an empty stomach, can’t you? And if candles were good enough for George Washington, where do you get off complaining? Jeez.

    [Reply]

    icecycle66 Reply:

    A large installation in kansas is also concerned about next months electric bills.

    We could probably just not buy a few fighter jets and use that money for electricity.

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    T-STORM Reply:

    Oh but you can’t use money in the capital expenses budget for operating expenses!

    Change the firing rules for all government employees (including elected officials) and see how efficient the government becomes.

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  7. Jeff Kay the wittiest? DO tell!

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  8. Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….

    All I can say is those Hively boys must have been some smooth operators.

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    One’s a doctor, the other a lawyer. Other than that…………

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  9. I’m on the 1st-time through the new EELS album and love it. BTW-Make sure you watch E’s documentary (I’m sure you have) about discovering his father. You can find it on the EELS website.

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  10. I didn’t get any Senior Class Favorite. I was either in the corner with a book, or exercising an amazing lack of tact, rarely in the middle. I did have the highest SAT score in the school, so that got me little blurb in the yearbook. My senior yearbook was a victim of the tornadoes that hit our area in 2011. It flew through the air, and was recovered later wet, cold, and sad, in the woods.

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  11. Where’s the picture of you in the tree Jeff?

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  12. There is no way they would publish the “most popular” list. Some mother would be on the court house steps in protest because her dorky, pimple faced, mouth breathing kid is listed a one of the chosen few. Next thing you know, yearbooks and school publications will be a thing of the past like dodgeball and lunchboxes.

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    Gretchen Reply:

    My high school’s senior classes could vote for the fattest and skinniest too. They classified it as “Heavyweight” and “Lightweight”. Can you imagine THAT happening today?!

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  13. Fairly normal names, except for Bee Bee.

    I bet it’s chock full of Honey Boo Boos and Peytons and Sookies now.

    Most likely to climb a tree.

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    WV Bumblebee Reply:

    It’s a nick name and I’ve shortened it to Bee as I got older. And yes, I’m still most talkative, lol!!

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    t-storm Reply:

    I see.

    Most likely to prolapse a sphincter

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  14. “10 Seniors they’d most like to go out with” in 1981 has been replaced with the 2013 version:

    “Who’d ya like to boink?”

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    Alex Reply:

    If we use the age 50 ‘senior discount’ standard, there are still a lot of good candidates to add to that list.

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  15. Zippo Hartley. heh…

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  16. F.M. PILE HARDWARE

    Yeah, I’m emotionally 8 years old, so???

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  17. High school? Was that that fuzzy memory from the late 70′s? Something to do about beer, right?

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    WV Bumblebee Reply:

    LOTS of beer and other enjoyable “substances”!

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  18. That picture could have been from my high school yearbook, class of ’82. The hair, the “swoosh” Nikes and eyewear that looked like bus windshields. Oh well, at least we were young. ~sigh~

    I’m going for a walk now and maybe later I’ll steam some broccoli for dinner. ~double sigh~

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  19. I just flipped through my high school yearbook, and was disappointed to see not one single instance of “Most likely to…”. And man, did I look like a dork! Not like now.
    .

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  20. I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes.
    Love is all around me, and so the feeling grows.

    Reg Presley 1941-2013

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    chill Reply:

    I can’t control my fingers
    I can’t control my brain
    Someone come and help me
    Before I go insane
    .

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    Lee Harvey Ramone Reply:

    Come Now was always my favorite

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGdVzTZFTi4

    Lester Bangs was right about those guys

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    I agree that Lester Bangs was dead right about the boys. It seems to me that the total volume of things Lester Bangs was right about vis a vis music, would suffice to stun a large team of oxen in their tracks.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    Fancy Pants Maguire Reply:

    I lost my copy of Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung a number of years ago. I really need to buy myself another copy and re-read that thing.

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  21. I come back to this site year after year cuz you are by far the wittiest!

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  22. You’re full of wit.

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  23. The only time I appeared in my yearbook, other than my annual geeky class photo, was when somebody took a picture of the “Disco Club” doing some line dance to the Bee Gee’s. I was in the front row, thankyouverymuch. I was in 10th grade.

    How freaky is this?!?!…..As I was typing above paragraph, the radio station that is forced upon us played KC and the Sunshine Band, “Shake Your Groove Thing”.. just as I entered the “Bee Gee’s”. Weird. A real co-inkeedink!

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    chill Reply:

    Disco Club. **full body shudder**
    .

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Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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