A few days ago my friend Tim sent me a scan from our old high school newspaper, The Kennel. We were the Dunbar Bulldogs, and somewhere back in the 1940s or whatever, they decided it would be cute to call the newspaper The Kennel. It was high douchery, but I had nothing to do with it. I will not be held responsible.
Anyway, it’s a page where they list the so-called Senior Stars. Here it is. As you can see, I’m somehow included. I suspect there were about 60 votes in the “wittiest” category, and 40 people were nominated. I probably won with 3 votes. Who knows? Maybe I should demand to see the files, via the Freedom of Information Act?
Here are some quick notes on this valuable historical document:
- April May 1981? We couldn’t even manage to publish an issue every month? Lameness. I was assistant editor of The Kennel, so that might have been part of the problem.
- There’s a photo of me and Jennifer, my wittiest counterpart, in the yearbook. It shows her leaning against a tree, and I’m climbing up behind her, between the branches. It’s goddamn stupid. But I was yanked from a class to take that HILARIOUS shot, and afterward I just meandered home. I didn’t have the heart to go back into the school, so I called it a day. The assistant principal gave me a mini-raft of shit about it the next day, but threw in the towel when he saw I couldn’t give a single dingle about whatever it was he was blathering on about.
- My good friend Steve was named Most Likely to Succeed. And he succeeded… very well. Also, he just sent me a text message, telling me he picked up the new Eels album, at Best Buy. It’s crazy how we’re still having 1981-style conversations, in 2013.
- Another good friend, Mike, was judged to have Most School Spirit. He and I set off a firecracker in the bathroom of a discount store in Dunbar one afternoon, and nearly caused an old man to prolapse his anus in the corner stall. Security guards roughed us up a little bit, and Mike told them his name was Zippo Hartley. Our parents were eventually notified, but in the grand scheme of things… it was a minor offense.
- Bee Bee, who was voted Most Talkative, sometimes comments here. I think she lives in New Orleans now. I can remember throwing eggs at houses on Halloween one year, and Bee Bee was with us. Heh.
- The lists of 10 seniors you’d most like to go out with, is kind of surprising. I don’t think they’d do something like that nowadays. Or am I wrong about it? It seems like something that would cause problems. You know, like ballot stuffing, campaigning, and ultimately suicide. It must be difficult to be almost popular, right? I wouldn’t know.
- A funeral home advertised in our high school newspaper? What were they saying? Prom season is coming up! Not to mention Senior Skip Day, and graduation. We’re here to serve, when things take a tragic turn!
- Remember the story about Rocky and me crashing a no-alcohol party, and turning it into fantastic mayhem? The host of that party wrote the “Night Hawks” review, at the bottom of that Kennel page. Sorry, Mary! Or… you’re welcome. I’m still not sure.
- After the so-called Senior Stars were named, some guy from our class walked up and told me I didn’t deserve to be Wittiest. He said my friend Bill should’ve gotten it. Bill is one of the funniest people I know, and still cracks me up. So, I would’ve had no problem if he’d taken the honor. In fact, I’m sure I voted for him. But what kind of dick says something like that to a person? Fuck that guy.
And I need to call it a day, my friends. I hope you enjoyed our little walk down the memory hole.
I’ll see you again tomorrow.
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