Shake Hands With Beef!
by lakrfool

February 24, 2006

Wotta Douche  This guy sucks fat donkey. There must be some sort of copyright infringement at play here. 

I suppose my name warrants an explanation The spelling of “lakrfool” was born out of the old DOS 8.3 naming convention. This was an era before 50 character usernames with avatars, and hyperlinks to fancy schmancy bloggery and iPod downloads. No, these were the days when a gig of memory was the size of a VW Microbus, pushbroom moustaches were “kick ass,” and all Internet communication was covertly transmitted by military trained monkey stenographers using supermodified hotplates and narrowband radio helmets. 

West Virginia favorite son Jerry West (Zeke from Cabin Creek) was drilling clutch jump shots en route to becoming ” The Logo” and Wilt Chamberlain was drilling an estimated 20,000 women when at the tender age of 5, I discovered the Lakers during their 1972 championship run, and have been a devoted fanatic every since. I actually got to meet Wilt once, and I think I might have a man-crush on West, but those are each a topic for future columns. I won’t even go into The Showtime/Magic Era or this column will spiral into a total Lakers wank-a-thon, and I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot…in a manner of speaking. 

I will speak much more of the Lakers in the future and I don’t want to bore you, but before closing this topic, I now have to pimp this site as one of the most underrated and best on the web. Complete Lakers/general sports info/commentary, current events are weighed upon by various diverse intelligent individuals, and some of the funniest original shit I have ever read has been posted there (hint:: do an “advanced search” for ‘Splunge’ and ‘Spudnuts’..good stuff.) A lot of regulars here would “get” the Lakerboard. Check it out when you can. 

So what asshole started that annoying nerdish trend of when you are communicating with them, in person or on the phone, and they are looking for some piece of info on their PC, they are compelled to make that “CHU-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH” sound?? Who!?! Why?!? I understand that pauses in conversation can be awkward at times, but do I really need some doucheclod’s homemade percussion/spit solo to serve as hold music?? Am I missing something?? I first heard it when I started a new telecom job in 99 (from my new boss no less,) and it has spread like a highly annoying wildfire every since. 

I think maybe I’ll try to replace that tired trend with something of my own design. When I am pulling up some info on the computer and there is a lag in communication, I will make a sound like a British siren, but just above a whisper. For example: 

“Lakrfool, this is corporate headquarters. Can you pull up the latest TPS Report and give us the results from column B??” 

“Sure thing Mr. Cockbite…let me pull that up for you.” 


Oh yes…my newer more intoxicating sound will replace the other in no time. Pretty soon the help-desk floor of an IT consulting firm will sound like a bomb threat at a distant Heathrow Airport. Look forward to it. 

I wanted to leave the toilet humor be, but I must comment on the excellent Irish bathtub beer enema video link posted last week. Sweet Sainted Mother(©JK) of Richard Gere!! Why?? The hatted big bloke that quaffed the assbrew must have lost a bet.. He didn’t see the horrid sludgy bits until it was too late. Good lord that was vile. 

That will have to do it for now. I was all over the map and couldn’t maintain a consistent thought, so I can only hope you were mildly entertained by the disjointed ramblings of an über-fucktard. 

Sue me. 



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