Shake Hands With
September 2, 2008
CH OF RANDOM SHIT & I NEED AN EXHAUST PIPE
PSA - JC PENNEY WILL NEVER BE AS COOL AS THE BREAKFAST CLUB
one of my BOOMING colossal punts, it shanked horribly over the
Jesus H. Thompson.
As a kid, I always felt that if I put a few months away to training
repetition, I could be the punter for the Dallas Cowboys whenever I
I had the pedigree of being one, as the 3 time reigning Punt, Pass &
Kick champion in Nacogdoche,s TX from 1977-79.
Man..I really had it going on... rocking the youngest of mullets
and just killing it when it was time to shine. Pops was a hoops
coach, so I went that route during my high school years..bad move…I
was a born quarterback from day one, but I wound up being the big
cracker that could hit long distance 3’s, (had they existed at that
time. Such is life).
Even when matriculating at SMU when I played my one season of basketball
(‘87) as a backup during my party days, when the football program was
on probation (from 88-89) I would bang off punts for my fraternity
football team, while under the influence or not, and still put them in
the parking lot about 60-70 yards away. I
was still a “natural.” I had the motor skills from back in the day,
paired with my growth,
it was no problem. In
retrospect again, I should have played football instead of basketball
with my 6’5”/225 frame, but hey…Al Bundy scored 4 TD’s for Polk
High in one game, & that could have been ME!
So sadly, nearly
20 years later (last week), while assuming my right leg was as
limber and strong as it was when I was in my early 20s. I was out with
my nephews (11 & 13) with a couple of footballs chunking and kicking
around the yard, and when I
wire about 20 yards away...it was end-over-end, and the one side of my
ass hurt from it all, (and still does.) I
kneaded my right buttock, & limped away. My mind drifted to days of
towering spirals, & would be receivers shielding their eyes &
racing to the end zone…nay…those were the long gone days of acid
wash jeans & velcro Reeboks, like Simon LeBon trying to solve a
Jayzis…even when I could land a good foot and nail a spiral, they only
traveled a mere 30-35 yards. Which sucked, since I
been unemployed this year, I was planning on falling
on being the punter for the Dallas Cowboys.
Now I have to figure out another gig.
is missing out on a "big" plus for tourism.
Based on the age
of consent map
This should be the opening line on their brochures:
“When you American men are getting grey in the temples, & tired of
slathering on a half tube of KY to pound that same old leathery snatch,
after night, with complaints about your penis size and
(even though it's all the same, and your
partner has become a cavernous, greedy whore...) well my
there is a place for you.
Come to the beaches of Spain, where Catholic Schools for
are conveniently located next to resorts chock full of
hot tubs and cocaine dealers for your convenience.
Become painfully huge again at the expense of freshly
hymens, torn fresh daily and served up open faced
the finest fathers/pimps the world has to offer.
Lay back on the beautiful native beaches and wait for still
women, with no idea of consequence at the age of
will be released from school, and you can eventually buy
cabana and make a slave out of one of them. There is no
joy than calling your 17 year old wife an "old
with the threat of trading them for a younger, more willing mate.
forward to your experience in Spain! We look forward to
Legally on the stomachs of 13 year olds!!!!"
While watching USA hoops, my 78 year old mother, more than once,
expressed her desire for LeBron James. It wasn’t in a dirty way, but
any time there was a close-up of him shooting a free throw or anything
else, she would nestle herself a little deeper in her recliner &
on how “fine looking” he was.
“…paging Mandingo…you are wanted in Wrinkle Valley.”
can put up with Phelps' “stylish” BS, except for the baseball cap
askew thing...to me that just screams aloud from the highest peak of the
Adirondicks, I AM A CONFUSED DOUCHECLOD!!
A hat can be worn frontwards, or backwards at either 12 or 6 o'clock,
with a few degrees of error.
even today if I see ANYONE rocking a hat Dr.
Pepper style (10/2/4 o'clock.) I make it a point to tell the person
as a public service, so that they will not continue on with the display
of public assification.
This is how it usually goes:
"Hey, your hat's on crooked."
"I know." or "So what."
"OK...I just wanted to let you know so you don't walk around
looking like a total douchebag."
(Note: "Douchebag" can be substituted for "dumbass,"
"complete idiot," or "retarded faggot" depending on
severity of the offense.)
all I got for now.
Elmer J. Fudd, Millionaire, Owner- Mansion, Yacht
West Virginia Surf Report!