Keep It Simple: If Obituaries Only Listed the Dearly Departed’s “Thing”
James R. Landry
Brash, because he grew up in Boston.
Lawrence Kessler
Smoked his own meats.
Robert L. Caldwell
Knew how to work the system.
David K. Mosher
A Budweiser man.
Anna Garvey
Owned many items emblazoned with the image of an owl.
Albert J. Hubbard
“There’s no such thing as too spicy.”
Allison Lundy
Strong advocate of the all-inclusive resort.
Judy Masters
Had many surgeries.
Bernard L. Peet
Heroically ignored grammar rules.
Timothy Canfield
Nostalgic for the era of the “full bush.”
Harold Cottrell
Never shit at work.
Paul Granville
Tried out for the Kansas City Royals.
Maria Martel
Ate whatever she wanted.
Edward J. Stearns
Always punctual.
Edith Stark
Owned several pit bulls, referred to them as “big babies.”
Delores McDonnell
A lesbian with a sense of humor.
Albert L. Powell
Whittled.
What would be your “thing”-only obituary? How about your co-workers? Please tell us about it in the comments.
And I’ll see you guys again on Monday!
Now playing in the bunker
Try Dropbox! It’s free and fantastic.
Filed under: Daily
So is Jeff Kay just your pen name, and your real name is Harold Cottrell?
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Jeff Kay
Scourge of pants seats.
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Boner inducer.
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CADude Reply:
February 22nd, 2013 at 7:11 pm
Do you consort with Tom Ludly: Easily aroused? Or doesn’t it matter?
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Master Masterbater
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Used Veet
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Liked cake
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Only shit at work.
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Embraced laziness like a religion.
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Larry Tucker – Known for jogging in coochie-cutters.
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Bill in WV Reply:
February 22nd, 2013 at 3:58 pm
Bobby Stump – Lovable Turrets Guy
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Bill in WV Reply:
February 22nd, 2013 at 4:25 pm
Bart Roberts – Organized and headed up a large coalition of reets in the 1970′s.
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Geoff-Loved him some gay midget porn.
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Never improved with age.
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Drove on Blizzaks.
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madz1962 Reply:
February 22nd, 2013 at 4:57 pm
HA! Love it!
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Believed Oswald acted alone.
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Sought treatment for Ricketts: Julia Ricketts.
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Honorary pilot.
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Did the shopping.
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He told you so.
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Watched Seinfeld ‘re-runs.
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Grooved to Crash Craddock.
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Ken Larson…married a Leprechan
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I told you I was sick
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Missy Noggler… Reigning Hopscotch champion for 82 years.
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Thought there was always room for Jello.
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Drove Fords.
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Usually caught the Earlybird.
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Preferred aisle seating.
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Thought umbrellas were a hassle.
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Stopped for the “HOT” light at Krispy Kreme.
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SPAM fan.
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Never stuck with a hobby for long.
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Always with the umlaut
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Didn’t mind vacuuming too much
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Handy with a butter knife
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William Beauregard: Ate his own boogers
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Hated the Yankees
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His attention span was too long
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Put ketchup on scrambled eggs
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Hated No-Passing zones.
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Carried fifteen golf clubs.
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Farted when he coughed.
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Could tell the Sklar brothers apart.
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CADude Reply:
February 22nd, 2013 at 7:05 pm
Lee’s the one with the long beard, right?
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Never needed a penile implant.
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Didn’t have a tact button.
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Once had intercourse with an Amish.
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Never rode the brakes.
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Let bygones be bygones.
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Art Hebbers: Always used his turn signal.
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Could hit to all fields.
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Didn’t have a gag reflex.
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Jorge Reply:
February 22nd, 2013 at 7:51 pm
Best. Comment. Ever.
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Never stood when he could sit and never sat when he could lay down
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Master booger hooker.
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Fault finder.
.
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Lead Foot
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Always hung his junk to the left of the inseam (his left).
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Kenny Lukens….Adimitted faliure
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dto Reply:
February 22nd, 2013 at 9:05 pm
Steve Winslow…invented the edit button.
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Rose Messler…bowler
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tits like a porn star, food sensibilities like an old lady, sense of humor like a 12-year-old boy.
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He was born to rest.
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Meticulous newspaper reader.
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Always took the wrong road…always
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George Aikens- Stay off his lawn
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Born-again porn collector
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Put a bird on it.
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Born without the filter between his brain and his mouth.
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He could sew like a motherfucker.
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Never followed or rooted for a championship sports team.
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Craig Winslow: The “Strong, Silent Type”, but more silent than strong.
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Andrew Wheatly…Designed tin foil hats.
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Betty Welcher…Lived to knit.
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Used his metal detector to find three process coins – that turned out to be worthless.
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Jason Reply:
February 24th, 2013 at 7:13 pm
Priceless.
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He’d go to out-of-town Denny’s and claim it was his birthday for a free meal.
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He’d walk into hotels as if he’d stayed there and eat a their breakfast buffets.
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David Goodwin…Mensa member. Collected hammers.
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Carol Winslow…Competed in the “Betty Crocker Bake Off” for 35 years.
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A TRUE FAN OF “SUNDAY BRUNCH W/ MIMOSA’S”
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Had uncomfortable pants.
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He was a scholar and an asshole.
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Backed into parking spaces.
Dipped french fries in mayonaise.
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Foot so fucked up he used baby seals as shoes.
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Chuck – never cared about expiration dates
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His hobby was complaining about the weather.
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He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! …….And he hated irony!
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Jerry Paulson…Retired letter carrier who always quipped, “I push the envelope”. Found beaten to death in the dead letter bin.
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Liked to brag that size really doesn’t matter.
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Hated trees and drove a hatchback with a pipe in the back seat to hold the hatchback up.
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Shopped at Cracker Barrel.
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Once won $50,000 on a scratch off then promptly destroyed it with his lighter because “fuck the thieves at the lottery”. Then bought ten more tickets.
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Mailed 733 death threats to Roy Orbison without ever getting caught. The treats continued until his death ( Not Orbison’s death, Jim’s death, last December).
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Would hound disappointing kareoky singers until closing time, and sometimes followed them home.
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Only one who liked anchovies on his pizza.
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Ten column inches.
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chill Reply:
April 12th, 2013 at 7:51 pm
Durutti, or regular?
.
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Milt Jenkins – had high blood pressure and low self esteem.
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Taco enthusiast.
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Believed in true love. Otherwise had good judgment.
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Still has a TV antenna.
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