April 20, 2004

Person I Want to Punch

I figured that since I've been away for a couple of weeks I'd start this
edition off with a bang and slug someone first thing. Today's victim is none other than former Georgia Governor and current Senator, Zell Miller. Zell has done some good things for the state during his tenure, most notably being a driving force behind the Hope Grant, which was designed to help families afford the rising cost of college tuitions. Unfortunately, over the last few years Zell has become a pocket Republican of the worst kind, the Democrat kind. Even worse, Zell has made some good money recently hocking his new book, A National Party No More, across the nation while blasting fellow Democrats.

So punching Zell would be like punching a guy I was friends with in sixth grade, but who ended up hanging out with the rich kids and was a total ass by senior year. Satisfying and well worth the wait.

I Think I'm In Love...

With Jeff's Miller High Life Lamp. Jeff, what will it take to get the lamp from you? [Ha! -ed.] I could disappear your apple-smacking co-worker. Think about it.

OK, I want to apologize in advance for the next segment. You see, I have a desire to see awful movies. I get a sick pleasure in being able to enjoy films that other people walk out on. Any movie that markets itself as "fresh" or "a new take on an old classic" are always sure to be winners. With this in mind I bring you a running commentary on the 2003 disaster:

From Justin to Kelly

Here it is, Sunday afternoon the day before the column is due and I've decided to do a running diary of From Justin to Kelly. I guess it's pretty obvious how exciting my last two weeks have been.

Let me note that I have not previously seen this movie and actually bought this at Wal-Mart behind my girlfriend's back. I think this might be a deal breaker in our relationship. If so, it was a good run.

This DVD even comes with a theatrical or extended play options. I think I'll just stick to the basics this afternoon and go with the theatrical release. I'm sure I'll get over missing an added musical number. Here we go.

3:45pm - Movie opens up with our leading lady Kelly singing to an empty bar somewhere in Texas. Her lone fan goes by the name of "Hurricane" Luke. Go get her tiger! Despite his best efforts, Kelly rebuffs his advances.

3:47pm - Kelly's girl posse shows up which is made up of Alexa (from here on out referred to as Blond Bitch) and Kaya. Kaya is black if you couldn't figure it out by the name. Interestingly enough, I guess they couldn't be bothered to recruit a Hispanic friend. Oh well. Anyway, the girls talk Kelly into going with them to Spring Break.

3:49pm - We're treated to an awful techno/dance version of the Go Go's hit song Vacation. It's not too late for you all to turn back now.

3:52pm - Justin shows up to Spring break with his buddies, who refer to themselves as the "Pennsylvania Posse." That's so street. The "posse" is made up of Justin, Brandon (the jock), and the dork (I don't think they ever mentioned his name once in the film). Apparently, these guys are the reigning kings of spring break for their happening parties of a summer ago.  Nobody knows how to party like three white guys, well I guess technically two and a half white guys.

3:55pm - The girls show up at Spring Break and we jump right into our first song and dance number. It's on the beach, everyone is pretty, let's just move on.

3:55pm - I just want to take a moment to note two things, Kelly has got an ass on her...the wide kind and Justin is about 90 pounds.

3:56pm - Justin and Kelly dance together for about 22 seconds of the song. It's a match!

3:57pm - Now they're dancing with medicine balls?

3:59pm - Brandon raps! Brandon raps! It's not awful in the sense that he wasn't able to keep the flow, it's awful because there is no reason a suburban white kid from Pennsylvania should be rapping. Thankfully it only lasts for about 40 seconds. At least he didn't end it with "Word!"

4:00pm -You'd think the Kings of Spring Break would have a nicer room; I've been in gas station bathrooms that were cleaner.

4:03pm - According to her girlfriend's, Kelly's "clenched." Poor Kelly, she should get that checked out. Anyway, they spend a few minutes talking about how hot Justin was.

4:05pm - All the girls go back to the beach in two-piece bathing suits except for Kelly, who is wearing white pants and a long sleeve shirt. She is clearly not clenched.

4:05pm - Hooray a step show. Now the black audience members can feel at home. Rapping and stepping, black people love it!

4:06pm - Shit, they danced together for 20 seconds and now Justin and Kelly are already doing the searching for each other song. I really miss the intensity of teenage hormones.

4:07pm - To drive home the point that Justin should be considered "hot", he is chased by some women into a bathroom that Kelly for no reason is standing in the middle of. Justin makes a joke about the size of his hair and Kelly throws him out a window to help him avoid the other ladies. Isn't that what love is really about?

4:09pm - Kaya meets her Latin love interest, Carlos. And like all Hispanics, he works in food service.

4:10pm - Uh oh, the Blond Bitch is plotting to get Justin away from Kelly because it's obvious she can't get any other guy.

4:12pm - Apparently the producers talked Kelly into putting on a swimsuit. She doesn't look very comfortable in this scene. It's all right girl, I can appreciate a woman with curves. Of course, I'm hardly in the 13-year-old boy demographic anymore.

4:14pm - Kaya and Carlos go on a date. And like all Hispanics and African Americans, they're both excellent dancers.

4:17pm - The Blond Bitch signs Kelly up to be in a whipped cream bikini contest thrown by the Pennsylvania Posse. Kelly went back to maximum body coverage and is now in a one-piece. Kelly gets mad at Justin and sprays whipped cream in his hair and face. Justin's stylist is infuriated!

4:22pm - Justin chases after Kelly and then accidentally spills hot sauce on her. She agrees to go on a boat ride with him. This is exactly how the events took place. I'm not making this up.

4:25pm - Ugh! The film has hit a low point. The duet on the boat isn't just bad, but both Justin and Kelly are making the weirdest faces. Kelly looks like she's about to puke and Justin looks like he's thinking about punching her. Not my idea of romantic, but I once took a first date to Taco Bell.

4:28pm - Kaya gets Carlos fired. Way to go babe!

4:29pm - Justin and Kelly share an awkward handshake at the end of the boat ride. He still looks like he wants to hit her. I wonder what they said about this scene on the director's commentary.

4:30pm - More lame white-boy rap? Was once not enough? Will my roommate Dave be quoting this shit in two weeks?

4:32pm - Blond bitch sings a song about being a conniving blond bitch, I think. Thanks to the multiple white-boy rap sequences and the Justin and Kelly duet, I'm fast-forwarding through all the song numbers now.

4:34pm - Blond bitch foils a get together between Justin and Kelly. Kelly begins to think that Justin's a flake. Will they ever get together? Will someone punch that meddling blond bitch?

4:35-4:42pm - Dork guy's plot line bogs down movie. Get him off screen!

4:43pm - Kaya and Kelly show up and one of the Pennsylvania Posse parties and turn that mutha out like MC Hammer. At least Kelly made the effort to wear a half shirt.

4:45pm - Hurricane Luke shows up and challenges Justin to a fight. Justin almost takes his shirt off but thinks twice. Whew, that was a close one! Instead, Justin almost kills Luke in a hovercraft race.

4:46pm - Kelly tells Luke she appreciates his chivalry, but she doesn't like him in that way. That damn Justin tried to kill him and now stole his woman. It's time for Luke to bring in the "Texas Posse". OK, I'm bored, I was hoping for a West Side Story fight sequence.

4:49pm - Carlos forgives Kaya for costing him his job and treats her to an expensive diner. Carlos is getting laid!

4:50-5:53pm - Another scene with the dork. Couldn't they have dropped him from the movie all together? Would anyone notice?

4:56pm - Kelly finds out that the Blond Bitch has been plotting on her the whole movie. Hit that Bitch! Jealously gets you nowhere, Ho bag!

4:58pm - Recently fired Carlos spends like $25 on drinks but the girls just leave them after their spat. If I were Carlos I'd yank them right back in that bar and make them drink those. They'd better smile too.

5:00pm - Kelly, fearing she's lost Justin forever, sings her "I can go on" song. Why does life have to be so harsh?

5:03pm - Justin comes back for Kelly and they kiss. Roll credits. I'm out.

Unfortunately, because this movie was such a flop, we'll never get to see From Clay to Reuben. I don't have anything more to add.

Flea Market Challenge

I haven't mentioned this before but Athens is home to the biggest flea market in the state, The J & J. Now that Spring has fully arrived, the placed is packed every weekend with people selling anything from beach towels stolen from Mexican resorts to a wide array of firearms. Although I have never found anything as badass as the Miller High Life lamp out there, I did find THIS bitchin' USA hat. Check ME out sporting it on my backyard patio.

Anyway, if there is something on your white trash wish list, there is no better place to shop than the J & J. With that in mind, I want you guys to put together a list of things to find and photograph. I'll see if Jeff will post photos of the most interesting ones.

Parting Shots

I want to take a second and wish my brother Robert a happy 24th birthday and my girlfriend Sonya a happy 28th birthday. If you don't like the gifts I bought I still have the receipts.

Take care everyone and I'll see you next week. Feel free to talk about me or fat women porn on the Classic Living in the Peach State posting on the Forum or email me at jacsv76@hotmail.com with any complaints. I'll make absolutely no effort to answer them to your satisfaction.

Next weekend the Twilight Criterion hits town, which is basically NASCAR on bicycles. Here's to hoping someone wipes out in front of me while I chug down some Old Milwaukee. I'll let you know how it goes.

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