August 11, 2004

So I assume by now that you all have heard about the six people who were murdered in Florida over the weekend due to the theft of an X-box. Pretty crazy stuff, although admittedly, were some cracked out dickhead to take off with my PS2, I'd have no problems stabbing him in the face. Madden 2005 is coming out and I'm not going to miss out on that for even a day.

It looks like the Kobe Bryant rape trial is falling to pieces each day. Do I think Kobe raped that girl? I doubt it. But he may have given it to her much harder than she intended. Do I think Kobe should have known better? Absolutely. I couldn't possibly understand why he would think that it would stay on the down low. Do I think that girl is being victimized by the press and the possibly the court? A little. I mean, if she really was raped, this has probably been awful for her. Of course, if I were the defense, I would totally have to question her motives after other men's (key word men's) semen was found during a medical examination.

In other and vastly more important news, preseason football kicked off last night with the Denver Broncos facing off against the Washington Redskins. Although Denver lost, I'm fairly confident that they will have another strong season. Washington lost their best offensive lineman. Let's see Clinton Portis rush for 1500 yards behind that crap. I'm a huge pro football fan, so expect many columns talking about it. There's nothing better than spending a Fall Sunday afternoon, drinking beer, eating wings and pizza, and watching football.

As promised, I'll tell you about the experience I had at my first poker
tournament. Out of 100 or so participants, I made it into the final 25-30 despite not being dealt a quality hand all night. I won a few small pots to keep me afloat, but eventually the blinds were taking their toll. What sucked is that if you drank Beck's beer, you could use the bottle cap as a #.10 chip. So of course, not one, but two guys show up at the table I started at with 20 of them each. What self respecting American drinks Beck's beer unless they have too?

I was worried to begin with cause nothing sucks more than to be bullied out of pots. Didn't matter though, they blew their wad so fast it was crazy. One of them went all-in with a pair of threes. Ultimately, of the original nine at my table, it was me, with about the same amount of money I started with and another guy who took everyone else's chips. I decided it was time to move tables.

We found another table and I won a few hands. Once moved, the other guy went totally cold and starting hemorrhaging chips. In fact, he got bumped out right after I did despite have probably 20 times the amount of chips I did when we switched tables.

Ultimately, the guy who took me out was at the final table with two other dudes and most of the chips in play. Apparently it was his birthday. I didn't really care to stay and watch. On the whole I was pretty happy with my performance. I got as far as possibly could have given the poor hands I was dealt. Maybe next time I'll make the final table.

Movie Review of the Week

I realize that I've taken very few risks in my reviews over the past few weeks, giving 10 reasons to watch a film that most of you have already seen or own. So today, I'm going to dig a little deeper into my movie collection and pull out a film that was first released in 1988. This movie was a staple of the late night line-up of the USA Network in the mid-1990's, you know, right after Silk Stockings and Air Wolf re-runs.

It's a great science fiction film about an alien invasion covered up by the rich for their own profit, special sunglasses, and manipulation of the general public through television and radio waves. It's directed by John Carpenter and stars Roddy Piper (minus the Rowdy) and Keith David as down-on-their-luck construction workers turned insurgents. The movie is THEY LIVE, and here is why you should watch, own, and idolize it:

1)The aliens, when seen with the special sunglasses, look like people who have had all of their skin shaved off and been left out in a Louisiana swamp to season for about a week. Not that I would know that it would take about a week's worth of rot for a body to look that way. I saw this special on TV once...

2)After Piper discovers the special sunglasses and sees the aliens for who they are, he grabs some firearms, walks into a bank full of them and utters the greatest line ever put on film. "I've come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubble gum." As a side note, I whisper that to myself just before I have sex. There's a nice mental image for you.

3)The aliens use their advanced technology to disperse their message. Piper finds this out first hand the first time he puts on a pair of the sunglasses. A billboard that advertises a vacation spot without the glasses, simply says OBEY when the glasses are on. The Bush political machine is very adept at this as well, using very big, clear signs that say FAMILY VALUES while talking about gay marriage or a backdrop that says A UNITED AMERICA while supporting his stance on the war in Iraq.

4)Piper was wearing the plaid shirt, messed up hair and ripped up jeans well before the grunge look from Seattle took hold. I think he should stake claim to it and beat up anyone who says otherwise. He could recreate the pit and body slam Eddie Vedder, Chris Cornell, and the entire group of Mudhoney. He could include Scott Stapp for good measure.

5)The 20-minute fight scene between Piper and Keith David over the
sunglasses. Piper was David to put them on, David respectfully declines, Piper insists, David kicks him in the balls. The duo duke it out Piper's Pit style until Piper finally succeeds. All told, there were 52 head butts, 15 kicks in the nuts, 62 punches in the face, and each combatant was thrown on top of a vehicle once.

6)While wearing the sunglasses, everything is in black and white, which is pretty damned creepy to me.

7)The only actress of note in the movie (Meg Foster) has two chubby, hairy, and probably gay neighbors who don't seem the least bit impressed when she is forced out of the car by a 320 pound guy with a gun. Those gays were so weak willed in the 80's, they would have at least gave some flirty whistles today. I don't know where I'm going with this, let's just move on.

8)In one of the greatest 80's movie stretches of all time, Piper and David pretty much destroy the aliens plot on their own by locating their transmitter and properly destroying it. Although severely wounded, Piper gives a proud middle finger to the aliens who tried to stop him. That's what you call American can do.

9)The final scene of the movie is the kicker for me though. With the alien transmitter destroyed, people can see the aliens for what they really look like. This is best shown by a woman, while riding her boyfriend, looks down to see he is one of the aliens. She gives a look of terror, and unaware to her know found knowledge he replies: "Hey...what's wrong baby!?" Roll credits.

10)When I first bought this movie on DVD back in 2001, it cost like $30 bucks. Today, you can have a copy of your very own for $10. You can't pass that up!

Well, that's all for today. Take it easy and I'll talk to you later. As
always, feel free to complain at jacsv76@hotmail.com.

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