I’ve Got GPS Voices In My Head!
Back in October, I think, Toney and I purchased a GPS device, as an early Christmas present to ourselves. We’d been considering one for a long time, and had performed the standard assload of advance research.
We wanted one that actually tells us the street names and exit numbers. “Turn left in .6 miles” is a recipe for confusion and shouted profanity, I believe. Especially if you’re driving in a city, with many left turns to choose from. Point six miles? What am I, a surveyor?
And we needed one which covers Canada, for our occasional Nancy visits. Many of the less-expensive models only work in the “lower 48” and Puerto Rico (for some reason). That simply wouldn’t do.
We also had a bias toward the Garmin brand. I think one of us read in Consumer Reports they’re the best, and that’s all we needed to know. We would have to buy a Garmin.
So, we had our short list of requirements, and eventually zeroed-in on this particular model. It seemed to be the system with the lowest price point, which does everything we wanted it to do. Now it would just be a matter of watching the sales every Sunday, and being prepared to strike.
Target had it for $250 at the time, and that’s what we used as our reference. When Circuit City advertised it for $199, we almost took the bait. But I thought we could do better, and decided to gamble. And it paid off. A few weeks later they offered it for $179, so we pulled the trigger.
And yesterday, almost two months later, we finally took it out of the box… Perhaps we didn’t really need a GPS, after all? Probably not, but that’s not really the point, is it? Gadget fever had taken hold and, mister, a person would be wise not to fight gadget fever.
I wanted to go to Barnes & Noble in Wilkes-Barre yesterday, and Toney decided to let the “new” GPS guide us. Of course we didn’t need its help, but wanted to see the thing in action. Before we left the house Toney plugged-in the store’s address, and we were off.
A British woman was our guide, and she immediately told us to enter the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Why? MapQuest does that, as well. If I pulled up directions to the Rite-Aid near our house, MapQuest would tell us to merge onto the Pennsylvania Turnpike, drive to the first exit, get off, get back on traveling in the opposite direction, and come back to where we started. Then go to Rite-Aid from there.
So, I ignored her advice and she let out an exasperated, “Recalculating!”
Before we’d driven half a mile, Toney noticed it wasn’t giving us street names. It was doing that “250 yards” crapola, which is exactly what we didn’t want. What the hell, man?! No way our research could be wrong. We’d been fully Matchstick Men with it.
Beyond that, however, it worked well. It took us right up to the front door of the bookstore. And while we were driving Toney could push buttons and find out what restaurants were nearby, as well as gas stations, ATMs, and other places of interest. Pretty cool.
But the lack of street names was a big deal. It gnawed at me, and caused me to squint ‘n’ mumble. We’d been sure. Sure, I tell you!!
After we got home Toney started reading the user’s manual, and found out street names and exit numbers are only available with certain “voices.” We’d gone with a generic British voice, but if we’d chosen “British Pamela” or “British Brad,” or whatever, we would’ve gotten the street names. The generic categories are limited, for some reason.
Weird. Toney chose Pamela, and went out in the car to see if it would work. And it did.
I don’t really understand… Why would they offer categories of “voices” with limited functionality? And what’s the difference between “British male,” and “British Brad”? It makes no sense to me. Does Garmin build-in confusion, to keep their help desk busy? I simply don’t know.
But we (Toney) figured it out, and that’s the important thing. Apparently we’ve got a specific male and female to choose from, one each from America, England, and Australia. Those are our English-speaking options.
I wish they’d get a little more creative with it, if you want to know the truth. It’s a tad limited for my tastes. Perhaps we can help? Maybe we can brainstorm and come up with a few additional voices to spice up the Garmin family of GPS devices?
Want to offer our services? Excellent. I’ll get the ball rolling with a few suggestions of my own, and you folks can take it from there.
Here are some GPS voices I wish were an option:
- Sassy black woman
- Old Southern Senator
- ‘80s metal falsetto
- Billy Mays
- the Xhosa click language
- electronic hick who makes announcements on Atlanta subway
- Waffle House waitress (“Turn left, hon”)
- Droopy
- Obese man with fat pressing against his windpipe
- Chinese national using an ElectroLarynx
- small market DJ doing a Jack Nicholson imitation
- man with his foot caught in a bear trap
- Dairy Queen drive-through
- if Barry White had been from Minnesota
Those are just a few off the top of my head; I’m sure you guys can do much better. Use the comments link below, and maybe we can fix this ongoing problem, once and for all?!
See ya next time.
Filed under: Daily
.&^%$#@!
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Hello?
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tre ???
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That Qweezy Mark is good…or not very busy.
How about the Dick Clark Garmin voice? “Hurn eft in five unnerd feeh.”
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Jeff, I hate to tell you, but one of your reccomendations let me down. Tuesday night the girlfriend & I visited Moe’s.
To us it was salty beyond belief, and the girlfriend puts extra extra salt on everything. We witnessed them dropping a 20lb plastic sack of marinated “beef” on the grill, whereupon it sat and steamed and gave off a sickly orange grease-fluid that dripped over the edge of the grill like some kind of demonic metal-oxide afterbirth. I can honestly say i’ve only seen the particular color orange in leaching ponds from old mines.
The “queso” was a cup o warm white american cheese with salt and a few forlorn and ineffective peppers thrown in.
I had high hopes for the salsa bar, after all, you almost never see green tomatillo salsa around here. But again, it all tasted like it came from an industrial size can of indifferent quality. Oh, and it was overly salty too.
I am more than willing to concede that there are much better burrito places than Pancheros out there, but locally, to me at least it sure beats the hell outta moe’s.
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Jeff, Be sure to connect your Garmin to your computer and check for updates on their website. I did when I bought mine and there was a really big map update.
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Google will bring up an egg-plant load of voices for you to choose from. Bet you’ll find one of your preferences listed.
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Ozzy Osborne
The Sham Wow guy (we can’t do this all day)
Sam Kennison
Andrew Dice Clay
Fat Albert
Robert De Niro
‘Bobcat’ Goldthwait
Pee Wee Herman
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……..
how about the voice of someone who uses an electronic voice box due to esophageal cancer? Or, what my friend likes to call the “cancer kazoo”?
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Love the Billy Mays suggestion. I think I will go with that one.
About a month ago I was sitting on the sofa in my own
little world when my husband came around the corner
screaming… BILLY MAYS HERE!!!
I thought I was going to die laughing.
I’m laughing right now just thinking about it.
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foghorn leghorn would suit me
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how about Leah Remini…
“you missed your fuckin’ turn asshole”
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Adam Sandler from the track “Do It For Your Mama” on the What The Hell Happened To Me album. That’s the voice I’d want to hear
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How about a Rod Serling GPS voice?
you are now entering…. Interstate 84…
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And of course, Phil Hendrie does GPS..
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oops, sorry. Totally missed the “ElectroLarynx’ submission by JK. He even mixed in a Chinese national to boot.
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Joe T, that was hilarious. Terribe, but hilarious.
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One word: Buck.
My brain cannot process Minnesota’s Barry White…
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Denis Leary would be funny too, as would 10 year old kid with a lisp, Rue Paul, and the “little person” from Fantasy Island…..
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Paul Lynde. He was the guy that did the voice of Sylvester Sneakly (The Hooded Claw) in The Perils of Penelope Pitstop. And he also played “Uncle Arthur” on Bewitched.
James Earl Jones.
The guy from “Slingblade” played by Billy Bob Thornton.
There’s a guy that I met at a New Year’s Eve party that would be a good one. I don’t know how to describe his voice. It was very scratchy and skipped over several letters at a time. But I think he might be an asshole because he claimed to be able to tell the color of M&M’s based on the taste. Nonsense.
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eeyore
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Yoda
Alex Trebek
Joe Paterno
Tag team of John Madden (on a turducken bender) and Chris Berman
Eric Cartman
Porky Pig
Speedy Gonzales
Captain Caveman
Thurston Howell the Third
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Al Pacino – “Say hello to my little friend”
Sarah Palin – “You can see Russia from my backyard”
Madea – Tyler Perry character (Sassy Black Woman)
50 Cent – Turn right at the 40 bottle
Snoop Dogg
Eddie Murphy
Optimus Prime
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Is that old school or new school Optimus Prime, Shiny Rod?
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Oh and Gordon Ramsey …
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I’ve had this discussion before. Samuel L from “Pulp Fiction” was the consensus at the time. Personally, I’m still holding out for the “Man from Another Place” (Twin Peaks, the Black Lodge). I heard that for a while after the series was canceled, the out of work actor would record your answering machine message in his odd reversed speaking if you sent him a little cassette and some money.
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Jeff – What’s with your “Matchstick Men” reference ? I only know this phrase from Camper Van Beethoven’s song “Pictures of Matchstick Men: and the Nicholas Cage movie called “Matchstick Men” — neither context fits your use of it.
A friend of mine has GPS — not sure which manufacturer — and if you pay extra you can get John Cleese giving you directions. Imagine … Basil Fawlty as your navigator !
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Hey guys!!!! I finally made it out of Nome, Alaska and am sitting here typing this from St. Mary’s, West Virginia! Totally great to be back in the Motherland!
Not actually a Garmin voice suggestion…but more of a comment on our government in action. About 5 years ago I was down here in St. Mary’s, WV and there was a tornado warning broadcast over the National Weather Service warning system on all the radio stations. The voice the weather service used was some automated German voice that was very hard to decipher…something akin to “Achtung! Der tornado das verbotten. Go to der bunkerz now!” It just struck me as a totally weird choice of automated voices to use…especially for here in WV.
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How about Larry Flynt?
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Or Elephant Man.
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Oh yeah, Garmin should do some of the freaky voices from the numbers stations!!
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Hairlip Cajun
Tagalog tranny
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William Shatner doing spoken word.
I agree with Jersey Scott, Basil Fawlty would be hillarious.
clintcurtis, I think technically you’re back in the fatherland. Perhaps being in Nome put you a little too close to the motherland, and some of that pinko propaganda wore off on you. Or you’re a soviet spy, who is slowly but surely attempting to infiltrate the good ol’ US of A (aka the fatherland) through an insidious cyber-terror plot starting with the WVSR. I think I shall be contacting my congressman forthwith…
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Heh heh… Gordon Ramsey. “Turn left, you donkey!!!”
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Barney Fife
Lewis Black
Steve Irwin
Scarlett O’Hara
Betty Boop
Sally Kellerman
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Ben Stein
Vin Scully
Gilbert Gottgried
Marcel Marceau
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Gottfried…crapcrapcrap.
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Already mentioned is the Sham Wow guy, but have you heard his new commercial? He has one for Shop Chop and proudly exclaims “You are going to love my nuts” the chops up some peanuts as the camerman goes in for a closeup. Brilliant.
I’m curious how high the volume would be to hear Marcel Marceau?
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i’ve had my garmin for about a year. My SO hacked it so I got the street names and speed cameras. Having used it on frequent business trips I want a hack that gets annoyed with you when you miss your turn three times. Something like “I said Left you bloody dolt”
Meanwhile across the pond their GPS units can comment on your driving “My that was a little fast”, “You took that corner too quickly”
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I believe TomTom navigators have celebrity voices like John Cleese and Mr. T.
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Angry New Yorker with Tourette’s
Southern Baptist Preacher
“Down East” lobster man on a really good drunk
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Brit Hume (Where are you going? TAKE ME HOME. *Sigh*)
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Yeah, my friend has a GPS unit, and we were driving around with Sean Connery giving us directions. Amazing.
I’d really want Don LaFontaine though.
“In a world… where you want Starbucks… turn left in 200 yards.”
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Smoking fish sighting at a Port Huron, MI Icehawks IHL game.
just click on my name.
it was takin’ tonight at the game
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Larry the Cable Guy
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For some reason this post tripped my nerd wire and I wanted to go on a wild rant explaining why only certain voices might be able to say hundreds of thousands of street names while others can only do the relatively few distances, but I won’t. Just be careful, don’t become Andy Rooney. Hey, that’d be a good one, Andy Rooney.
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Granny missing upper denture plate
Foster Grant
Fat Albert
Buzz Saw Louie
Nigella Lawson, wrapped in gauze, speaking with a mouthful of beurre blanc (because, you just know somebody would listen to it)
Death. He’d have to speak in all caps though.
The Marcel Marceau comment made me giggle out loud. Well done!
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Both my handheld GPS’ come pre-packaged with the Marcel Marceau option…
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I won’t use the British voices on my Garmin. They usually want you to drive on the wrong side of the road.
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Fred Sanford
Sylvester the Cat
Yosemite Sam
Dr. Frank N Furter from Rocky Horror
James Lipton
Foghorn Leghorn
Speedy Gonzalez
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Eddie Izzard.
What is up with you blokes drivin’ on the right side of the road, shit, you were supposed to turn left back there. Stupid American.
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If only Mel Blanc were still alive.
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Ha ha, I have a tom tom and I also have Billy Bob Thornton from slingblade as my voice, too funny.
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Carla,
Really? How is that possible? Can you purchase different voices online or something?
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Hey Ms.Tiff…I get the feeling you meant Froster Brooks. I could be wrong.
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Hey…Jersey Scott…Camper is playing at The World Cafe in philly on the 7th…just so ya know.
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Oh…and GPS Voices…
Don Cornelius
Richard Simmons (with intermitent crying jags if you make a wrong turn)
and of course…
Edith Bunker
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Maurice Lamarche as Orson Wells.
BTW… the electronic hick who makes announcements on the Atlanta subway is a woman now – when you can hear her at all.
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TomTom users can create their own annoying voices and upload them to the TomTom servers. There are a couple hundred they’ve allowed to be released for free and some genuine celebrity voices you can pay about 5 bucks for.
Having Mr. T boss me around while I drive isn’t something I’m willing to pay money for but I’m kinda liking the “sweet southern girl” voice – if only I didn’t get the mental image of Paula Dean everytime I heard it – AAAAaaaaagh!
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Foster Brooks!
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I’d like all cartoon character voices (seconding tiff):
“Turn le … Ahsay, turn LEFT 400 yards, boy! LEFT, boy, LEFT! (Pay attention boy when I’m tryin ta tell ya somethin’).”
“Ehhhhhhhhh … make dat left toin at Albucoykee.”
“OOOOOOOOOO, what in TARnation? I TOL’ ya to turn LEFT!” (fires six-shooters into dashboard)
“I belee … I belee … I belee … I think you want to turn … oh shit, you missed it.”
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And mike
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Go Disco Ernie!!!!!
Does anyone have a dollar bill
for Disco Ernie
(further evidence link)
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Worf
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Gene Simmons – but watch out for the tongue
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Is that a Happy Tree Friend squirrel cartoon? Man those are funny sick cartoons! I got my husband a Tomtom for Christmas I hope he gets the Mr T voice. He rules!
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How about . . . for downright annoying
Fran Dresher – ewwwwww
Karen Lynn Gorney – she was Stephanie in Saturday Night Fever
Ron Palillo – Horshack
and anyone smacking/cracking gum while giving directions.
Ones that I would LOVE . . .
Patrick Stewart – “Make it so, Number 1″
Paul Newman
and then there’s . . .
Yvon Barrett – Denis Lemieux, the goalie from Slapshot.
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Hey Alex (or anyone else for that matter) I’m thinking about picking up a hand-held GPS. Nothing fancy. Any recommendations?
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Good God- I go on vacation for a week and all these updates have my head spinning!!!
I think John Madden should be the voice and yellow circles should appear on the GPS to show you where you are!
Yes- I’m watching the Indy/SD game- and drinking
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I’m drunk and hitting on an ex-gf
Am I at the bottom or the top?
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Kevindust,
You’re at the top. Carryon sir.
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Jason, thank you…
email me at kevindust@rogers.com
I will send pictures that may explain my confusion.
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Kevindust,
An email is on the way. The Subject line reads, “A Suitcase Full of Meat”.
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Good2Go, I’ve always been partial to Magellan handhelds (I have a Sport trak Map and a Meridian Color), though I have not kept up with the latest generation Magellan. But the Garmin 60CSx seems to have very favorable user opinions.
Just remember that either company will hit you up to purchase the map software if you want detailed maps on a handheld. So look for a bundled pack for economic reasons.
Like I tell everyone, get to the store and handle them. You’ll find one that fits with your hand and your movements better.
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Richard Nixon
Roseanne Barr
Speaking of celebrities, does anyone else think Frank Deford on HBO’s Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel is a dead ringer for Grandpa Munster? Just wondering.
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Um, yeah, Foster BROOKS.
Nobody wants to listen to some washed-out shades maker.
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Good2go…
I have (have had for seven years) a Garmin e-trex. Summit. I probably over bought but, if you’re going hiking and planning on getting lost, this thing will walk you out. I hike remote trails but stay to the trail. The thing I have is user friendly and has way more stuff than I’ll ever need. Pretty much bought it for fun. Garmin has been pretty cool to me.
$.02 from me.
-dave
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Sam Kinison- TURN RIGHT!!!! AAAAHHHH!!!
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Jason,
There is a place caled tomtom home and you can doenload all kinds of voices or scrensavers, opening and clsing screens and vehicle Icons. It is all free, maps are what cost more money.
It is pretty nifty.
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Thank you Alex and DTO.
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i think bob ross or fred rogers would be nice, especially in traffic. their voices would keep me calm. but gary owens would be my choice.
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why don’t I get piss shivers? I think the rest of these gals might have a little problem with the truth-eh girls? After reading this I have vowed to hold my piss as long as possible in a scholarly effort to produce a piss shiver that will shiver me timbers.
Glossary-any of the many references to Dean Koontz novel as in – “Hard, deep-fried grease shells, “water,” snapping veins, people sucking marrow out of shiny bones, great sheets of animal skin hanging from the corner of glistening mouths… it’s like something out of a Dean Koontz novel. ”
or the entry that in my soul surfing first brought me to the WVSR – “It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.”
“diarrhea cannon” -from the same fascinating article-self explanatory, but descriptive nonetheless.
fucks per minute (FPM)-used to quantify the number of times the word fuck is uttered in a sixty second cycle. Expressed mathematically as: fucks/min=FPM ; whereby if the frequency of fucks was 3600, and the measurement of time is 60 seconds (i.e. 1 minute); the frequency, or FPM, would equal 60. As in 60FPM, expressed as a FPM rate.
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