Internet Frustrations and My Current Obsession
I finished the book on Saturday afternoon. I skipped an important swim meet to get it done, which made me feel a little guilty. But I was determined to return to work on Sunday with the thing completed. That was the original goal, and I would’ve viewed last week as a failure if it hadn’t happened.
So, it’s finished. I’m not completely happy with the last two chapters, I think they were rushed, but I should be able to fix those problems fairly quickly. In fact, I have to fix them fairly quickly — because I’ve committed to sending the manuscript to my agent by the end of the week.
It’s great to finally have it done, but there are a few harsh realities which need to be remembered. And here are two of the main ones:
1. Just because I wrote a novel doesn’t mean it’s any good.
2. Just because the book is finished, doesn’t mean it will ever be published.
But, you know, I think it’s funny and entertaining, and that’s all I wanted. I’m no Oxford-educated ascot-wearing literary genius, and if I’d tried to compete on that playing field I would’ve gotten my ass creamed.
I just told the story in a language I’m comfortable with, and made no attempts at fancying things up. I wanted it to be a good time, nothing more and nothing less. And that’s where I concentrated all my yurtly efforts. I’m happy with the results.
What happens after I send it in on Friday is pretty much out of my hands. I’ll almost certainly be glaring at my cell phone, hollering, “Ring bitch!” and driving Toney up the wall. But she’s already been warned about this, and is prepared.
I do have a few things going for me, and here are some of the main ones:
1. I’m signed with a respected agency.
2. The premise of the book is fantastic (I don’t care if that sounds arrogant, it’s true).
3. It features Sunshine, Mumbles, Nancy, and a cast of a thousand always-popular freaks.
4. I have the Surf Report army behind me. You guys are a big part of all this, and if the book is sold, one of the main reasons will be because of the community surrounding TheWVSR. That’s a fact, and I hoist yet another vessel of the golden elixir in your honor — regardless of how this turns out.
Needless to say, my so-called book is taking up a lot of space in my head right now. But I’ll try not to bore everyone with it. I’ll reserve that for Brad, Metten, and Toney. I’ll attempt to spare the rest of you.
Our internet was down, off and on, for more than 24 hours yesterday/today. And I can’t have that.
After I lifted myself off the platform yesterday morning, I shuffled ‘n’ farted my way to the bunker, with a blistering hot cup of coffee. And my computer was nothing but a prop.
This doesn’t happen very often anymore. Back in the Adelphia days it was standard operating procedure, but it’s a lot more stable now. However, I wasn’t in any mood to give Comcast any thumbs-ups, the bastards.
I called their 800 number, and Shaquille O’Neal answered. He instantly started yukking it up with Ben Stein, and I hollered, “My internet’s down, goddammit!” A vaudeville baggy-pants routine was far down the list of things I was wanting at that point.
I then had to negotiate a voicemail labyrinth for five minutes, and finally got a real person on the line. And he wanted to know my account number. I don’t know my account number. Who knows their cable company account number? Just tell me what’s going on with the internet, whistle dick.
And since I couldn’t answer his original question, he wanted to know the last four digits of Toney’s Social Security number. WTF? I don’t know that either. My wife’s Social Security number? I have no idea.
I finally hung up in a huff, all internetless and frustrated and growling like a dog.
Toney called them twice, after she got home from work. The first time she got the impression the person was just blowing smoke, and trying to get her off the phone. But the second try was a lot better. Apparently we were actually reconnected to the internet for a few hours. The problem was blamed on our Vonage box.
But when I got home last night, at 2:30 am, everything was dead again. This time we had no cable TV, either. One step forward, two steps back.
When Toney got to work today, everyone was complaining. I guess the whole town was deader than Kelsey’s nuts. But it’s working now, at least for the time being. And it’s pretty freaking fast, too. The shit is flying.
So, what’s been going on? How’s the holiday shopping coming along? We have the kids’ stuff done, but beyond that… the docket remains full.
I haven’t bought Toney anything yet. In fact, I haven’t bought anything for anybody yet. Sheesh. Too much pressure. I think I’ll just go get a shitload of Cracker Barrel gift cards, and be done with it. That’s an acceptable romantic gift for a wife, isn’t it? A shitload of Cracker Barrel gift cards? Heh.
One thing’s for certain: I’m buying a bottle of Maker’s Mark on Thursday. We started Bourbon Season with Jack Daniel’s this year, on a whim, and it didn’t really do the trick. We need to return to our roots.
The stress is fairly high around this house right now, there’s snow on the ground, and a bottle of Maker’s Mark is calling my name. Can you hear it? I can, and it sounds like it could use a lozenge.
I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Sorry things are so screwed up, but it should be better soon.
Have a great day, my friends.
Filed under: Daily
Booya!
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Hey, the top dog, the head cheese, numero uno honcho! Now time to read the update.
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Dammit, Zoe!
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I think this is a first!
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Or a second
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Oh, and #1 many congratulations on finishing the book. I can’t wait to read it. #2 I havent bought a damn gift yet. #3 LMAO @ whistledick!
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Oh boy!! A genuine Jeff Kay novel is that much closer to being in my hands!!!!!
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Holiday shopping for the kids is finished. Child bride and I are not getting each other anything this year. My parents are not getting anything. My sister, her husband Larry Bird and her three little monkeys are not getting anything. My wife’s Dad and his wife are getting stuff and so is her mother. All done. Nothing to do but wait for the credit card bills to come in.
Comcast sucks ass Jeff. We used to have it for all of our stuff, but every time it rained, the internets went out—for days. I have had zero problems with Verizon.
Colts, 13-0
On IPOD right now- “Hae Me”- Blue October
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Sorry, that’s “Hate Me”
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Hurrah! The much anticipated return of Jeff Kay! If your book doesn’t get published, you should print copies out yourself and sell them on thewvsr. I’d buy one or two. Dozen.
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There’s just a big fucking layer of heat on the ground here….no snow.
On IPOD right now- “Dazed and Confused”- Led Zep
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I am getting chili for everyone on my Xmas list.
Chili is a meal.
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Sweeeet!
I’ve completed my Christmas shopping for me.
3 gifts to go for the rest. 45 minutes tops.
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I wish I could love Maker’s Mark. That little dumpy, wax coated bottle looks so cute sitting on the counter in my kitchen every evening during our “1.5 cocktail Hour”. I just don’t love it. I like J.W. Red–it tastes kinda nasty too, so, what’s the difference? Maybe something from my childhood.
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Christmas shopping is done! Wally and I got each other new family room furniture last month, so no other gifts. All 7 of the nieces/nephews/godson have been spoiled mercilessly. Both sets of parents, both Grandma’s. My sis and BIL. Fuck it stresses me out. Like AWG said, now it is just time to wait for the credit card bills.
Congrats on finishing the book! I cannot wait to read it!
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Good job on the book Jeff. I will buy it either from Amazon (through the WVSR) or off of your site if it comes to that.
Now what is going on with Sunshine & Co. ?
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Faarrrrout! Your book is done. Your internet is back! alrighty then.
some crappy news for me: Half a toof broke on Sunday whilst eating kettle korn from Fairmont’s Feast of the Seven Fishes. The dentist smashed a temporary filling in the space to last me until Jan 4 when he is supposed to make the impression for the crown he’ll need to make. That temp didn’t last the afternoon. luckily, it only hurts when I brush, but I keep messing with it with my tongue. I’m distracted.
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BOOK IS DONE!! BOOK IS DONE!!
Congrats man!
No Christmas shopping done at all, I’m giving 50 dollar bills this year. 1 each for my parents, 2 brothers and 6 grandkids and 2 each for my kids.
That’s 700.00 and that’s farkin’ enough.
We would spend that anyway and probably more plus have to rush around in shopping frenzy – funk dat!
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Congratulations Jeff! Will you be offering signed copies?
I am starting the Xmas frenzy tonight after work. I would rather break a tooth on kettle corn…..but it must be done.
DH didn’t believe me on how much we spend on gifts every year, and this year I finally put it on paper. $1100.00 for everyone in family/good friends category. Does not include postage for 200 cards out in the mail or the cards themselves. I thought he was going to pass out. I might mention that these are MOSTLY his family!
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Yah. No matter what happens, WE want to read you yurt book.
No Christmas shopping for me this year. I am just going to cut to the chase and hand out money. Always right color and right size. Then I will feed them a chili meal.
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Yup – there’s no getting around the fact that WE want the book at any price. Self publish the damned thing if you have to, but WE MUST HAVE THE BOOK! Congrats on finishing it – December 12th will be a day that goes down in history as the day my favorite novel was published! YAY!
No one is getting anything but baked good from my unemployed ass this Christmas. And they’re lucky to be getting that.
I purchased my first bottle of Maker’s Mark over the weekend because of you fine folks here and I must admit – I liked it! I see several more bottles in my future, yes indeed.
Hapopy Tuesday, Surfers!
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Hapopy? Yes, that should have read “Happy”.
I like Fat Secretary’s idea – can we get ours signed, please?
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I also vote for signed copies!
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
update’s here! update’s here! woo-freakin-hoo…
No Christmas shopping this year so far. We are cutting way way back. The kids are grown(well, one of ‘em anyway. The other has a few years to go). My missus and I don’t exchange gifts, we may go in together on something for the house. My parents are both retired, and insist that we get them absolutely nothing.
JK, if for an unfortunate turn and your tome isn’t picked up and published, will we be at least able to read it here via the Report…..? I sure hoping so.
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I sure is.
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Yes! – I’d also like a signed copy, please!
I’m happy to be a part of the WVSR army. I’ve been a member of our high school marching band before, but never an army. cool.
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Alice-I didn’t pick up on the Army angle. Smoking fish rifles and hand grenades in the gift shop soon. Double sweet!
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” I concentrated all my yurtly efforts” Frankly that’s all you can ask of any man!
2 main realities coming your way: a dickhead going under the pseudonym: “Editor” will have you rewrite half the book and then he/she willcompletely rewrite the whole thing! Your relatives will eventually read it and never speak to you again thus denying you valuable material for the sequel!
If Michael Bay is busy maybe Kevin Smith can direct the movie version!
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I’m sure there’s at least 687 different ways to write, “The sun came up this morning”… in a one sentence thirty-word paragraph while pretending you’re a raccoon…and sometimes…all you need is…”whistle dick”.
We bought each other electronic divices this year. Marital aids actually. VCR/DVD combos. Whazoo Panasonic stuff. $300 a pop. Front room, back room. We should make it another 22 years with this wise investment. She sends her Son and Grandson some bucks. Maybe fifty each. Everyone else gets a card. That’s it.
p.s…..rewrites aren’t all that bad…and the phone will ring. Somehow I just know that….-d
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Jeff-
The reason that Jack Daniel’s “didn’t really do the trick” is because Jack Daniel’s isn’t bourbon, it’s Tennessee Whiskey. Maker’s Mark is indeed Bourbon (Whisky) and a fine example of it. Congratulations on finishing the book!!
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Who in the hell would ask for someone’s SS number these days? Even if it was just the last 4 digits. I don’t get that.
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MI2Tall nailed it.
Plus which, JD makes people mean. Saw it all the time in the bartending days. Stick with real bourbon and you’ll just pass out peacefully instead of daring someone to a broken-bottle fight.
Oh, and well done on the book! Looking forward to turning each laff-filled page.
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“The best novel ever written in a yurt!”
–The WVSR Army (Rarely Comments Division)
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Congratulations on finishing the novel, Jeff, and I hope your agent gets a great deal for you, pronto. I don’t ever buy anything on the computer, but I might make an exception for your tome!
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Not only will I look forward to reading the yurt tome, I will gladly pay any price for it. This also means that if the book is not published and you provide it to us here, I will gladly pay your PayPal account $30 as if it were a fresh hardcover. Heh, I said hard.
I am a fan of the audiobooks. Better get crackin’ on your narration skills, Jeff!
Now playing on iPhone: Nothing, cuz I left the fucker at home….accident, of course.
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Oh yeah, the Chrima thing. Nobody’s getting anything from me. The boyfriend and I just bought a house and are looking at closing escrow this Thursday. (That’s after a two week setback). So, everyone in the fam has been on alert that we are not giving a damn thing but they are more than welcome to give us cash, Home Depot/Lowe’s cards, etc. But not to expect anything than our ‘Thank god we got another one’ exclamations at receiving.
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Good to hear your writing efforts are complete.
Next, it’ll be titles, and how your choice of title won’t be acceptable to the publisher. =-) Just getting you ready man.
Shopping? Oh yeah, remind me in a week…
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The book is done!! Yeah! I can’t wait to read every whistle-dick filled page!
Is it just me or are the updates even funnier since JK has been communing with nature via publicly funded yurts? I contend they are!
As for Christmas shopping.. Well I’m about 2 grand in and not done.. This is my very favorite time of year and I love Christmas shopping! Then again, I’m a freak..
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Congrats on finishing the novel, Jeff! I will take a signed copy too! Can’t wait!
Christmas shopping will be done this weekend…after I get paid. Not a whole lot to buy for, really. Just my boyfriend, his parents, sister, neice and a few select friends. None of my own family around. I tried to do all of my shopping via the internet. I HATE shopping malls whether it’s Christmas or not. I’m not one of those girly-girls that live to shop.
This is one of those years that I am really stumped as to what to buy for everyone. So I wonder around aimlessly until something jumps out at me.
I’m not even finished decorating the house. Can’t get my shit together this year.
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Mmm..Maker’s Mark.. I wish I had a big stiff one right now..DRINK..that is…but I’m still at work. I’ll just have to tough it out a couple more hours.
Congratulations on completing your novel! You may count me as one of your loyal readers.
So far, I have purchased 1 Christmas gift. That’s better than my usual average. I’m finishing it all this weekend, so I can enjoy Christmas week. And by enjoy, I mean maintain a moderate buzz.
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I can’t stop thinking about whistle dick.
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I’ve got one thing left on the Christmas list to get, then I’m done. It just so happened that my Christmas List and Shit List were almost virtually indistinguishable this year. So some people got nice things, while some people got gift cards to questionable establishments. Nothing says “try not being an asshat next year” quite like a gift card to Hardee’s.
Alice, if it makes you feel any better I had two cracked fillings dating from the Reagan Administration replaced yesterday and will be getting four more done right after the holidays (yes, someone is a teeth-grinding dentist-phobe). It would appear the shelf life on the silver fillings is around 25 years, barring any unfortunate kettle korn incidents, of course.
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Don’t know if anyone’s seen this, but reading up on Deadwood on Wikipedia, check out footnote number 9. It links to the most excellent, “Number of Fucks in Deadwood” by our Mr. Kay.
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Gretchen-Thank God I put my coffee down before I read “Nothing says “try not being an asshat next year” quite like a gift card to Hardee’s.” That’s golden.
Joe T-That’s pretty cool.
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Gretchen- LOL moment! I’m thinkin’ Winky’s would be another gift for the douchebag on your list.
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Thanks, WB in OH.
bikerchick: I don’t know what a Winky’s is, but if they’ve got less than going for them than Hardee’s then perhaps they should adopt your slogan: “Winky’s, for the douchebag on your list.” That might drum up some holiday business, if nothing else.
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Urg, too many than-s. Bad fingers, bad!
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Congratz on the novel Jeff! I also would like to request a signed copy…please?
Shopping is done for me. Like I said before, my wife and I purchased a king-sized Seta bed (friggin HEAVEN) a month ago, and she bought me an M-4, so that takes care of us. As for everyone else I was able to purchase everything online (except for the freaky trip to Jinx).
So we have landed and it’s time for a beer! I hope the next trip won’t be so long.
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Glad to hear the book is nearing completion (further editing is understandable). And I second the request about signatures…
Also, can you give a ballpark on what you’re going to make from our internet purchases via the glaringly ostentatious Amazon ad?
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What the hell is a Winky’s?
iPod right now: Angels Want to Wear My Red Shoes – Elvis Costello
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Please add me to the Army list. I look forward to my autographed copy of the book as well!
I haven’t even started Christmas shopping yet. If it weren’t for my husband, nothing would frigging be done at all. We only have a Christmas Tree up because he and Nooze put it up. I decorated it (some) just so they’d leave me alone.
I don’t drink (I ran out of things to throw up), but may have to break down and purchase some bourbon soon. I have been ‘gifted’ with a bizarre, hacking cough (no other side effects) for over a week now. My family has taken to calling me ‘Selma’, in honor of the chain smoking old chick from “Night Court”.
On the upside, however, my co-workers think I have an excellent chance at a second career…as a #900 operator.
If you need a voice for Sunshine on the Audio Book, holler. I could pull that off right now.
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OK……..Signed copy and every book comes with a (old logo) Smkoking Fish draft card for a book mark. (I was 1-A back in the day)
I spilled a beer on my key board earlier today and the keys are starting to stick, so if weird stuff starts starts showing up, I guess I’ll be getting a new keyboard for Christmas. What a waste of good beer. Fuck!
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I feel mislead.
We were all pawns in Jeff’s attempt to get someone to publish him and we never saw it coming!
Remember these questions?
What fictitious name can I give the secrets because I am tired of calling them The Secrets?
FOR THE BOOK
What actors (alive or dead) would you use to cast my extended family?
FOR THE BOOK
Remember when the family stories went to underground email and we assumed it was because the family found out? Guess not, huh?
HIDING the book from the publishers, I bet.
And getting a little feeback, maybe? Hmmm?
We have already READ the book, people.
A few of you may even be characters.
I will not go so far as to say that the characters we have all grown to love and laugh at are FAKE, I am willing to bet they are based on real life people with an immense stretch of the truth via the figments of the mind of Kay.
Jesus.
Brilliant Jeff !!
(BIG GRIN)
Congratulations on seeing a goal through and the feeling of accomplishment that it brings.
I’ll be standing in the pre-order line.
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Congratulations on finishing the book, Jeff! That is a hell of an accomplishment. Put me down for an autographed copy too; I’ll just have to drink Nikolai and Pabst to offset the expenditure.
Vicki — is the aversion to whiskey/bourbon from drinking it and getting sick on it? I got shithoused on Jim Beam when I was 14, drank almost a 5th in a few short hours and amazingly didn’t puke, but was hungover for 2 days and to this day the smell of it makes me feel a little ill. I can drink Maker’s Mark, Knob Creek, etc. because that’s some good shit.
I know I’ve already commented on this, but no Christmas gifts for anyone from me this year. I gotta move out of my house at the end of January into a friend’s attic space so I’m saving any pennies not spent on alcohol or chemicals for buying a car and painting supplies for the attic. Ho Ho Ho! If there’s anything left at the end of this month I might buy a bottle of halfway decent vodka and brand-name orange juice.
You guys all have a good evening…
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Don’t call me shitlips!
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I called my dentist’s office to ask to be squeezed in to any cancellation spots. The receptionist asked if there were any sharp points sticking out, cutting my tongue, etc., and if there was, I could just… get this… get an emery board and file it down. I’m no princess, but it is not very likely that I’ll be doing THAT!
Good gawd – who needs a professional dentist?! I’ll just drag out the ol’ Drimmel tools and take care of it all myself! Angry White Guy – I can’t remember… did you get your lowers refitted?
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Goddamn Alice. I can’t believe they suggested you manicure youre own damn tooth. I broke a tooth over a week ago and I’m not quite ready to deal with it, so your comment way up there struck a nerve, in more ways than one. But that is effing ridiculous. Fucking file it???What’s next, fstuff a filling with some bread? Anyfuck, I’m about 6 beers in and I’m still thinking about whistle dick. I think I might have tio write a book now, since I already have a great title.
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Nah, fuck the book, I have me a new nickname.
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CitizenX: The Nancy/Nostrils/Sunshine stories are way too old for them to be figments of Jeff’s imagination. Jeff’s been chronicling the tales of these people for a long time — long before he had a dedicated readership at TheWSVR. If you look back in the archives, you’ll find that he started writing about these (real) people back in the days when he probably had about 10 readers per day (based on the Haloscan comments). So I really don’t think he’s been planning this book for the past ten years, writing fictitious stories about these people with the ultimate desire of someday compiling all the stories into a novel. No, the truth is, these people are real (though I was a bit disappointed to learn that “Nancy’s” name isn’t really “Nancy”).
So your fear is misguided, CitizenX. The real fear, and a fear that I’ve harbored ever since Jeff revealed that he’s writing a novel, is that his agent or the (hoped for) publisher will get cold feet when they find that these stories are based on reality, and will be so afraid of a libel suit that they’ll ultimately nix the publication of the book. That’s what we should be crossing our fingers to prevent.
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Saved up a bunch of vacation days this year, so this week I will work Tues, Wed, and Thursday, then off until January friggin’ Fourth. Yaa Hoo.
Two solid weeks of booze, chemicals, and Mom’s home cookin’.
And, my Christmas shopping is nearly complete. Just need a few bottles of wine for some good neighbors and a gift card to the place that plucks my wife’s ass hairs.
Just added Makers Mark to the liquor store shopping list, thanks for reminding me.
And, yes, I want a signed copy of the book too.
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Yea, autographed copy. Here. Now. You know you drink too much when you buy your Christmas tree at the liquor store. Yea, my liquor store sells Christmas trees.
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Shopping DONE – all online. (though none via the WVSR Amazon link). Next year’s list half complete: “Get them The Book” (via the WVSR Amazon link)
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Wow looks like everyone’s getting drunk for Christmas…just as it should be. I plowed through a bottle of wine last night in preparation for the five I’m sure I’ll be guzzling next week. I might even have to add in some hard liquor but it will be Captain Morgan for me not Maker’s Mark.
I want a signed copy of the book and I’m willing to pay at least an extra fifty cents if you make it personal with a Jeff Kayism. I agree with Zoe, whistle dick is my new favorite -ism.
As the army prepares for battle….which will likely be nothing more than who can drink the most booze, I’ll be manning the triage station once all the broken bottle fights get under way.
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CitizenX you make a good point. My biggest fear is that we find out the Eninen and Sunshine and Mumbles don’t even exist.
If this blog just turns out to be A Million Little Pieces revisited I will shit in an email and send it to Jeff.
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CONGRATULATIONS on finishing the book Jeff!
Put me down for one copy! (Can I get it autographed too?!)
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Jeff,
What is your plan for dealing with the extended family, once the realize that you have been mocking them for years?
That might be book #2. Just saying.
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They.
Fuck.
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Tiff – I don’t know if you have tended bar in WV, but if so, I’m sorry for the JD incident(s).
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all right, all right Surf Reporters….
…let’s just all take a deep breath…..
there.
Better, right?
ok, let’s continue
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by the way….
for those that do Twitter
click my name, see the list for West Virginia Surf Reporters
Holy Crap in a Bundt Pan
Follow along
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Alice in WV- Everything is back to normal with the bottom teeth. Extensive surgery and months of Codeine were my dentist’s Christmas gift to me. I see why people get addicted to it.
On IPOD right now- “Temptation”- Tom Waits
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Congratulations Jeff! I used to love to read, but then I decided to major in English in college. That just beat the love of reading right out of me. Maybe with your help I can learn to love (reading) again.
AWG – Sorry to hear about the extensive surgery. I hope you are feeling better. Oh, and Go Colts!
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Knucklehead & Gretchen: Winky’s was a God-awful fast food joint in my hometown of Indiana, PA, when I was in highschool. I believe there were a few scattered in the Pittsburgh area. It was utterly disgusting. They only employed the zit-faced, highschool dropouts who couldn’t even get a job at McDonald’s. The first (and last) time I was there the floor was sticky everywhere you walked (!). Empty food containers and trays polluted every table top so if you wanted to sit down you had to clear of the table yourself. The tabletops were sticky too. The edges of the burgers were curled up like they had been over-cooked, re-cooked, then reheated in the microwave. I swear the only safe thing to ingest was the fountain soda. I never attempted the bathroom. What’s funny is that I can remember this after 20+ years have passed! Wotta a true-blue shithole.
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bikerchick-A place that bad I just had to google. Is this the hellhole of which you speak?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J52VxXUDQ38
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Aargh! Winky’s! The last time I was in one of those places was the early 80s, and you could tell they were on the way out. No customers were in the place, and like bikerchick said the food was re-re-reheated and everything in the place was filthy.
Anyone remember Burger Chef? Those disappeared slightly before Winky’s.
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WB in OH: HAHAHAHA! That’s it!! Holy shit! I’m getting full body shivers over it. Even on the youtube link, the food looked less than appetizing! If you can’t make the food look good in a commercial, WTF is being served?
Rat Bastard: Jeez! I remember Burger Chef, too! Another fastfood delight.
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Rat Bastard-As in Burger Chef and Jeff, with the fixin’s bar for your burger.
When I was 8 or 9 my Dad took my little brother and me on a camping trip to Rocky Fork state park near Hillsboro, OH. We left all of our food back at the house and nearly every meal on that 4 or 5 day trip was consumed at the local Burger Chef. Thinking about that trip brings a big old grin to my face! One day my brother dropped his milkshake on the floor under the table and my Dad for some reason just gathered us up when we finished eating and left instead of getting somebody to clean it up. We still laugh about but I can’t figure out why Dad was too embarrassed to tell the manager his 6 year old droppped a shake.
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Bikerchick: On the other side of PA we had the Winky’s equivalent, Gino’s. I once knew someone that worked there. He said he went to clean out the milkshake machine one day and when he opened it about six thousand maggots fell out in a wriggling, writhing heap.
That was the end of Gino’s (and milkshakes for awhile) for me.
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Crap, these emoticons piss me off!! That’s supposed to be a “blah” tongue, not what appears to be pure unadulterated joy at the thought of six thousand maggots flopping around on a countertop. [Insert angry emoticon here.]
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Gretchen, that’s funny, ’cause as Bikerchick was describing Winky’s, I was thinking about Gino’s, too. They were, in fact, pretty lousy.
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On a lighter but related note, I give you Gwar’s “Maggots”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxDk5_yNpjg
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AWG It must be the morphine because nothing will put your teeth on edge like listening to Tom Waits:)
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Pagan- True, but I listen to Tom just to feel his pain. With every lyric he grunts out, I feel a little bit better about myself.
On IPOD right now- “What you Give”- Tesla
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Gretchen: Think my gag reflex just kicked in. I haven’t seen that in a while.
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welp, the twisted fucks at work finally saw fit to stop limiting my interweb access. I think my 30 minute rant with management had something to do with it. Here’s a snippet: “you expect me to sit there all day and never once look at lesbians or girls on the chunky side who take it up the ass? Absurd!” I think this made them see the error of their ways. Nobody – and I mean NOBODY – should be denied lesbian and chunky chick pictures and videos as a matter of principal. This is America for fucksake.
So when I’m not yanking my crank to some chubby honey I’ll be on here reading and making comments. USA! USA! USA!
Jeff, congrats on the book. I’ll pay a premium for a signed copy. I’m sure it’ll be a giant success, only sligtly less appealing than lesbos and chubbies – but that’s saying a lot.
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@Swami Bologna
Been here since the early days. BEFORE commenting and BEFORE the secrets were even mentioned here.
No reason for me to read archives unless I want to reminisce.
And YEAH he’s had this book stewing a VERY long time.
Hence the BIG day it was when he announced it was done.
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Whoo! How yall been? For Christmas everyone is getting “tasteful” nude pictures of me that I took with my new digital camera. Some of them are black and white. We’re talking very artsy here. There’s a short story on the back of each print which basically details why I’m not ashamed of my penis.
Signed book. Put me and farty down for two. If you don’t get published then we’ll take the version printed from your computer and stapled in the corner.
I got so drunk last night that I actually kissed my sales manager and she grabbed my crotch. She’s not what many would call attractive. She hosted a party at her house and many people saw it. So that’s nice to think about this morning. She wanted everyone to wear ugly Christas sweaters. I couldn’t find one in the Men’s department so I bought a woman’s sweater that had deer antlers hanging from the tits and bells around the cuffs. I guess it just turned her on and she couldn’t stop herself. I accept no blame whatsoever.
And I’m hungover. And I forgot to drink coffee. I wish I could catch the pig flu today because it would probably make me feel better than I do right now.
I’m going up the road real quick to buy a giant baked potato that’s stuffed with a chili meal and cheese. Maybe I’ll feel better after that.
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Jason: Can you link to one of those pictures? I’m no homo, but I just gotta see a tasteful photo of your penis that you took yourself, and which you’re sending to people for Christmas. Maybe you could post the story as well.
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You’re right. I could not help myself.
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Swami Bologna,
I’ll pick one out in the next day or two and post a link to it. I have one in mind. It’s a close-up side shot of my dolphin with a Christmas ornament hanging from the end of it. Semi erect. Again, very tasteful. There’s another one where I put one of those little paper chef hats that people put on the end of turkey legs over the head of my penis. That one will go out to grandparents and such. But I assume you guys wanna see the whole enchilada so I’ll probably stick with the first one.
As for the story, I can go ahead and give you one of those now:
I love my penis and it loves me back. I lotion it. I massage it. It has never been in the sun and yet it has a tan. It’s an amazing device and I’m so very proud of it. I wanted to give you something unique and personal this year. What’s more personal and unique than this picture of my lovely penis? Enjoy.
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Jason: This is getting interesting. You could do an edible thing too. Too bad…this would have been a great party favor. Attach broken pretzel twists to look like antlers and a red cherry on the tip to go as Rudolph in keeping with the Christmas theme. Just sayin…
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@mountie9wv – close, but not WV. Spent my time behind bar in Harrisonburg, VA. Plenty enough fights there for me!
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Bikerchick,
That’s a great idea. Maybe for next year. I found this site, I think it’s called clone a willy or something like that, where they send you the stuff to make an exact replica of your penis. The replica ends up being a silicone dildo but I think they also sell kits where you can make chocolate replicas of your penis. Maybe next year I can give everyone a chocolate replica of my dick. Who wouldn’t appreciate that? All the thought and effort, and VERY unique.
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Jason….on the chocolate thing…don’t forget to add the nuts!
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DTO- LOL
Has anyone tried to watch this show Sing-Off? The husband and I are trying to watch it tonight because we learned last night that Ben Folds is one of the judges. I was looking forward to an evening with Ben, but I don’t think I can bear to watch any of this. One of the groups just did a Journey medley. I didn’t think I could hate Journey any more than I do, but I was wrong.
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