Zeroing Out the Moleskine, Kinda Sorta
Yeah, I forgot to take my “lunch” (8 pm) to work last night, and tore ass to the local Subway for a six-dollar lettuce sandwich. When I went careening into the parking lot I was relieved to find the place empty, except for a lone samlich engineer. I needed to make it quick, and didn’t want any fatasses impeding my progress.
I parked and entered the store, and the dude said, “Can I help you?” But not in a friendly, helpful way. It was more of an agitated tone, like he’d just caught me naked and peeing on his back porch.
“You’re open, aren’t you?” I asked, confused by it all.
And the guy just shrugged. He was leaning against the counter with his arms folded across his chest, and just shrugged. Big ol’ attitude.
“I guess not,” I said, and turned to leave.
“Hey, we’re open!” he hollered. “Come back. We’re open until nine!”
“Go fuck yourself!” I said, and went to McDonald’s.
What was that all about?? I’m thinking about calling Jared. The man needs to step out of his giant novelty pants, and police the operation a little better. Sheesh.
Toney and I are plotting a kidless day trip to New York City soon. It’s a convoluted plan (we have no local fambly to watch the boys), but I’m confident we’ll be able to pull it off.
I think we’re going to try the commuter bus that runs between Scranton and NYC. It’s an attractive option. We won’t have to deal with the massive traffic and expensive parking, and will be able to have a few adult beverages at the end of the day, if we’d like. Ha! …if we’d like. That’s pretty funny.
So, I’m looking forward to it. I like going there with the younglings, too. But it’ll be fun for just the two of us to sneak away for a few hours. It’s quite, quite rare these days, and I sometimes miss it.
I’ve been posting a few of the old Charley West cartoons at Facebook (completely baffling some people). So far they’ve just been repeats from TheWVSR, but I plan to start posting new ones, too.
I know some of you have an issue with social networking sites, and I can certainly understand your feelings. But we do have some fun at Twitter and Facebook. MySpace eats it from the ass-in, but Twitter and Facebook aren’t bad, shockingly enough.
So, I hope you’ll follow us at both sites. Give it a try, and you might be pleasantly surprised, like I was. Pass the beer nuts.
I’m also thoroughly enjoying Life on Mars, the UK version. I tried the Americanized abortion of a program, and quickly abandoned ship. But the British show is great. And I just found out today the second season will be released to DVD on November 24. Oh yeah. My nipples are exploding with delight.
What other semi-obscure but great things should I be renting from Netflix? And please don’t tell me about Dexter. There’s nothing semi-obscure about that show; hardly a day goes by when someone doesn’t mention it. And I’m starting to develop a bad attitude toward it, if you want to know the truth.
A Wall of Voodoo song just played on iPod shuffle, and I remembered how people used to call them “Ball of Doodoo.” I always liked the band, and that “joke” kinda irritated me.
But what other derogatory tweeks to band names, TV shows, or movies can you remember? Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?
And while we’re at it, what are your favorite pornolized movie titles? The Load Warrior always jumps to my mind… Heh. What are some of the other great ones?
I don’t know why I’ve started skipping Wednesdays all of a sudden, but that seems to be the current rhythm of things. Sorry. Once my “book” is finished, we’ll get back to normal around here. I promise. I feel fairly guilty about my Surf Report neglect… But it’s temporary, only temporary.
I’m going to Wegman’s now, to pick out the evening’s snooty, snooty microbrew. I’ll post my selection to Twitter later, in case you’re interested.
And I’ll see you guys next time.
Have a great rest o’ the day!
Filed under: Daily
First!?! Nah-uh!!
DOSE in the arm!!!!!!!!!!
Edward Penishands, without a doubt
Dogfat (Foghat)
(That was my “witty” drug reference — i.e. “dose” instead of “dos.” Pretty darn funny, eh?)
Not.
Love me sum RAMBONE.
The Sperminator
Black to the Future
Regarding Hiney
Any Which Way She Can
just to name a few…
Jeff: Did you really say “Go fuck yourself!”, as opposed to thinking it in your head? If so, how’re you ever going to go back to that joint in the future, without being worried about the guy surreptitiously wiping a booger into your sandwich?
Yes, I said it. It just popped out, a complete filter-failure. I’ll never return to that Subway. They can kiss my ass.
Lawrence of a Labia
Star Trek: The Next Penetration
Double first!!!
Jeez, after I posted the “where the fuck is Jeff” comment on yesterday’s post earlier, I realized was only 1:00 here and my day has eaten it from the ass in so badly it felt like 5. Jesus, it’s gonna be a loooooooooooong afternoon.
Bon Jovi = Anchovy
I know there’s a bunch more, but by brain has seized. Sorry.
Happy fucking Thursday, Surfers…
When I was in the Pittsburgh airport last year, the guy at the coffee place seemed to be real upset when I went to the counter to order a coffee. He was busy surfing the web I do believe.
I just remembered one more. My friend had a t-shirt made with Styx Stynx in the band’s logo. Loved it!
Little Anal Annie
Olivie Neutron-Bomb
Sorry, that’s OLIVIA Neutron-Bomb
Humpin’ Jackoff Flash
Privileged Little Artiste Writing Something Oh-So-Precious Into His Moleskine Notebook
SCRANTON—After gently unfastening the elastic strap keeping his dearest musings safe from prying eyes, little literary artiste Evan Stansky penned a few more darling thoughts into his clothbound Moleskine notebook Wednesday. “These are much higher quality than the notebooks you find at CVS,” lilted the auteur, who couldn’t be bothered to use—dare it be said—a journal of lesser craftsmanship or pedigree, or one not famously used by such legendary artists as van Gogh and Hemingway. “They’re a little more expensive, but I try to write on both sides so I don’t go through them as quickly.” At press time, the princely scribe was seen finishing his apricot jasmine tea, asking a mere mortal sitting nearby to watch his literary accoutrements, and then prancing off to the Starbucks powder room, light as a feather.
Plagerized from the Onion…
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……
it’s not a band, movie or TV show, but I’ve always referred to Explorers as Ford Exploders.
porn knock off names? Well, not that I watch porn *ahem* but here’s a few:
Gangbangs of New York
My big, fat, Greek whore
Riding Miss Daisy
Forrest Hump
Romancing the Bone
A Clockwork Orgy
The Winds of Whore
Slut Our House Five
A Vagina Runs Through It
Humpers
The Mummies Womb
The Pirates of the Clitoris
Natural Born Thrillers (I think that one is already a film)
Good Will Humping
Jurassic Pork
Little Shop of Whores
Saturday Night Beaver
A friend of mine (don’t know if he made this up or heard it somewhere) said that if you put the word “anal” in front of the name of any sport utility vehicle, it more often than not ended up sounding like a sex toy.
Good for you, Jeff. I’ve lost count of how many places I’ve done a quick about-face in after encountering attitude in a hairnet.
Indiana Bones in Raiders of the Lost Ass
I fucking hate Subway! Their food is fine but they have no control over their franchise holders and it shows.
Porn Titles:
Saving Ryan’s Privates and Shaving Private Ryan
Womb Raider
On Golden Blond
Holy shit! The following headline was just posted on FARK:
“Shootings reported at Fort Hood Texas, multiple deaths reported. If only there were qualified people with guns nearby who could defend themselves”
Doesn’t Jason live near there?
Get the Sierra Nevada Torpedo Extra IPA. Great stuff.
I propose one giant attack on Subway. All of us walk into our respective hated Subways at the same time (Like B-52′s over Hanoi) say “Go fuck yourself!” and then leave.
I bet it makes the newsletter.
Good for you Jeff. Vote with your feet. Boycott!
Here’s some good British TV;
Peep Show (comedy), The Devil’s Whore (historical but good!) True Blood (HBO) is really enjoyable.
I’ve just had a great Guy Fawkes night!
-Speaking of which ‘V for Vendetta’ is a great film.
Layer Cake is the best british gangster flick in a long time.
Listening to; Elbow- Seldom Seen Kid
Was doing the yuppie, pay the bills, suit thing earlier in the year! waiting in line for the “Barrista” (read insecure fat girl with a charming facial maze of alternating pustules mixed with self inflicted shrapnel) when the boss calls the cellphone, Yes I am guilty I answered it!!Leaving the store I put the $200.00 cup of java on the hood of the car ,note that said: ” Health violation” has written “get off the phone asshole” on the bottom of the cup! Despite the fact that I admired her cowardly attempt to at least make a statement in this bland world of our’s, returned to the store, requested sugar, & said “oh wait! is there something on the bottom of my cup? & innocently upended the grande whatever all over the counter! The upshot wa I felt like a Douche for weeks! after reading todays post I realize what I did was righteous and can once again sleep at night!
@Ian the Errolite you are not supposed to enjoy Guy Fawkes! Guido was Pro Stewart Dammit:) God I miss Guy Fawkes! Not just the fireworks but the baked potatoes cooked in the bonfire:):)
who/what the fawk is Guy Fawkes?
yeah, Google is a wonderful thing
Tyrosine must go to the same porn store as I do.
More British TV from Netflix? Blackadder, the seasons are freestanding and in order of awesomeness 2,4,3,1. I’m Alan Partridge is pretty good too.
I’ll “me too” on the Sierra Nevada Torpedo. It’s sticky-hoppy, very nice. I like it much better than their Anniversary Ale. The AA is not bad, but Torpedo is far superior. Enjoying my last one as we speak.
Derogatory tweaks to band names… The Dreadful Great is about all I can think of that hasn’t already been mentioned. Slightly off-topic but neatly bringing in a remote porn reference, National Lampoon once did a fake (duh) interview with the Beatles. In a nod to the real album Meet The Beatles, the article was titled Beat The Meatles.
Check out “Breaking Bad”, about a high school chemistry teacher who starts a second career cooking meth. It’s way, way better than it sounds!
Don’t have any porn titles, but best tagline below the title was “No ifs or ands, just butts.”
Oh yeah… in the Further Evidence link to the clown pants, why is the text talking about shoes? It’s double the value here – two WTFs for one link.
I’m gonna try to make some up, at least they’ll be new to me.
One Flew Over the Cuckhold’s Nest
Charlie Wilson’s Whore
Ghostbangers
The Cloned Whores
The Twilight Bone
He’s Just That Into You
Land of the Lust
(500) Days of Hummers
The Final Sextination
And of course….
The Soloist
Limey! Thank you thank you thank you for reminding me of Black Adder. There was one episode called “Bells” that stands out in my mind that was fucking hilarious! I love that show!
Heading over to Netflix post haste.
the Tonedeafs (Deftones)
The Strolling Bones
John Cougar Mellonshit
Reo Crapwagon
Aeroshit
David Blowie (sorry David)
Elton on the John
Eric Crapton
I see a pattern here do’h
Against All Bods
Foreskin Gump
Holes (actually you don’t need to porno-ize this title)
Breaking Bad really came as a pleasant surprise. I second its nomination.
Hey Jeff, you getting my emails?
Oh yeah…I add my vote for Breaking Bad. I kinda got out of the habit of must see TV…but Breaking Bad was my one exception.
Anyone ever hear of the Pousette-Dart Band?
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pousette-Dart_Band)
The Pussy-Fart Band.
My husband regularly calls Goldfrapp and Stereolab, Goldcrap and Steroflab.
I third Limey and Knucklehead on Blackadder (‘cept I like ‘em in this order: 3, 2, 4. And I loathe season 1. It’s basically Rowan Atkinson doing an early Mr. Bean; he’s much better flashing his caustic wit in the later seasons).
Baldrick: My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
Blackadder: Really?
Baldrick: Yeah, it was called Macbeth.
Blackadder: And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece. Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who’s playing Macbeth.
Sorry for off topic, but I ran across a really funny website today.
A treasure trove of old black and white WTF photos, would keep Bunker Cam busy for 6 months.
Just had to share.
http://blackandwtf.tumblr.com/
How about . . . the Sopornos?
Star Whores
Can’t think of anything else.
Tori Amos = Torn Anus
ouch!
Meatwood Flack and their drummer Flick Meatwood
My trip to Subway today was the complete opposite. The clerk was not only friendly and eager make my sammich but was extremely cute as well.
The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio (It’s not his nose that grows)
Gotta include the Skinemax classic: Areola 51
Most of the Subways here are owned by people whose names sound like someone hocking up snot. Is it like that everywhere else?
On IPOD right now- “Who Is My Baby’s Daddy?”- Shirley Q, Liquor
Another British TV suggestion is Cracker (Hagrid can act?). Not suitable for Secrets.
musicians:
John Cougar Melonhead
Barely Man Enough
The Spit Doctors
The Backdoor Boys
films:
Hairy Peter and the Sorcerer’s Bone
Regarding Heiny
The Hornymooners
Netflix:
Sanctuary
The Prisoner
Freaks and Geeks
Flight of the Conchords
Kolchak: The Nightstalker
I remembered 2 overnight –
O E R Weedspagon
Tears for Queers
Chitty Chitty Gang Bang
Lord of the Cock Rings
From Russia With Love Bone
How did I forget Freaks and Geeks? Fantastic series.
Hogfat (foghat)
Oreo Chuckwagon (REO Speedwagon)
Sticky Toilet Paper (Stone Temple Pilots, STP)
Stink (Sting)
Rolling Bones (Stones)
Thick Lezzy (Thin Lizzy)
my favorite soap opera: Genital Hospital.
and, yeah, as mentioned above, Sierra Nevada Torpedo is recommended.
In-Diana Jones
White Men Can’t Hump
Sorest Rump
Buttman and Throbbin’
When Harry Ate Sally
Yeah I cheated, what of it! http://www.funnytitles.com/
Got nuttin’ for you on the netflix.
And congratulations on telling the fuck face at Subways to fuck off!
Don’t know yet what I’m drinking this weekend, we’re smoking a turkey for the Buckeyes game, what goes good with smoked turkey?
WB in OH – Guiness Extra Stout
Dr Hooters
Little Miss Funhind
Raising Areolas
Busty Lucy
White men can’t hump
Foot Lube
and for the money shot…
The Color of Ponani
Jon Bon Blow Me
Rage Against The Royalty Check
Steers For Queers
Irving Malmsteen
Porn:
The Flintbones
Poke-a-hot-ass
Bang My Drum Slowly
WB in OH, Shiny’s Guinness will work, but I think a robust porter would work better flavor-wise. Something like Anchor Porter, or Sierra Nevada Porter. These are heavier-bodied than Guinness, and more “ale”-y, with a slight roasted flavor that goes well with smoked meats.
Second the motion on The Prisoner. Great show – Patrick McGoohan rules.
The Clit Master
It sucks like an old 70′s porn tends to do but what woman wouldn’t remember that title?
Subway Sucks BALLS!
NYC rocks! The commuter is definitely the way to go! Keep us posted on your trip! The last time I was there it was $50/day to park your fucking car. HOLY SHIT!
Oh shit! You gotta see what I found on Craigs List under the adult gigs! I pissed in the floor from laughing!
http://candy8326.escort-site.com/
Sorry I’m so late. I’ve been ill. You must see if netflix has “Static” with Amanda Plummer and the kid from Christine… Keith something. Also “Wax, or the discovery of television among the bees.”
Oh, and ditto on The Prisoner. A new version starts 11/15 on AMC, but check out the original first. It’s weird. Especially the last two episodes.
Just saw this numbing documentary about the Greyhound bus/Manitoba murder beheading incident from a couple years ago. Then I wrote this song titled:
ElevenSevenTy
I ask for death,
but you tell me I’m not responsible.
The voices in my head,
scream be killed…the voices say kill.
Took out the knife and struck it deep.
Left on the bus, I continue to eat.
Taste your eyes amongst the dead.
In my hand I hold your head.
death penalty
responsibility
eleven
seven-ty
fuck you mr. lee
By the way…
-1170 was the bus number
-Mr Lee was the killer…
-who plead guilty and asked for the death penalty before being informed that Canada does not have the death penalty…
-who was then diagnosed a schizophrenic…
-and not held responsible for his actions…
-which included stabbing the victim, beheading him, then eating parts of the remains.
The Pornbirds
Raise the Tight Anus
Shaving Ryan’s Privates
Pile-driving Miss Daisy
Spermbusters
Airport 69
All the President’s Women
Ally McSqueal
America’s Horniest Home Videos
American Hair Pie
Anal-ize This
Analtasia
Anus and Andy
Apackolips Now
As Hard As It Gets
Ate Men Out
Bachelorette Party
Battlestar Orgasmica
Beat the Cock
Beaverjuice
Beaverly Hills Cop
The Big Sleazy
The Bitches of Westwick
Blast from the Pants
The Blown Ranger
Boobarella
Broadcast Nudes
Buttman and Bobbing
Captain Hooker and Peter Porn
Chinny Chinny Gang Bang
Choke-A-Hontas
A Clockwork Orgy
CockTale
Cumming Holmes
Crocodile Blondie
Dances with Foxes
Dangerous Lesions
Das Booty
Debbie Does Deliverance
Deeper Impacts
The Deer Humper
Dick, Tracy?
Dickman and Throbbing
Dirty Panting
Dr. Speckle and Ms. Hyde
Drilling Miss Daisy
E3: The Extra-Testicle
Easy Ride Her
Edward Penishands
Endless Lust
Erectnophobia
Facial Attraction
Ferris Bueller’s Jack Off
First Times at Cherry High
Fists of Fury
Flashpants
Flesh Gordon
The Flintbones
For Your Thighs Only
Forrest Hump
Frankenpenis
Friday the 69
Frosty the Blowman
FudgePac Man
G*A*S*H
The gAy Team
Genital Hospital
Ghostbangers
The Girl From S.E.X.
Gonad the Barbarian
The Good, The Bad, And the Horny
Good Will Humping
Great Sexpectations
Hannah and Her Blisters
Hannah Does Her Sisters
Headtv
The Hindlick Maneuver
Honey, I Blew the Kid
I Know Who You Did Last Summer
In and Out in Beverly Hills
Independence Nights
Indiana Bones in the Temple of June
Inspect Her Gadget
Intercourse with a Vampire
Interview with a Vibrator
Jennifer Ate
Jungle Beaver
Jurassic Pork
King Dong
Kinky Business
L.A. Raw
The Last Anal Hero
Lawrence of a Labia
Lethal Weapons
Little Shop of Whores
Looking for Mr. Goodsex
The Lust Boat
The Lust Bug
Lust in America
Lust in Space
Mad Maxine Beyond Thunderbone
The Man With the Golden Penis
Married With Hormones
Mary Bobbings
Miami Spice
A Midsummer Night’s Wet Dream
Mousecunt
Murphy’s Brown
My Bare Lady
My Three Sluts
National Pornographic’s Animal
Kingdom
Navy Squeals
A Nightmare on Dyke Street
NYDP Blew
On Golden Blonde
Pee-wee Sperming’s Big Adventure
The Pink Lagoon
Pleasure Island
PocaHotAss
Poop Dreams
Porn on the Fourth of July
Pornocchio
Pulp Friction
The Queer Hunter
Rambone
Rambutt
Robofox
The Rockford Piles
The Rocky Porno Video Show
Romancing the Bone
Rosemary’s Beaver
Satisfaction Jackson
Saturday Night Beaver
Saving Ryan’s Privates
Schindler’s Lust
The Sex Family Robinson
The Sex Files
Sex Lives of the Rich and Famous
The Sexorcist
Shakespeare in Lust
The Sheets of San Francisco
Sinderella
Single White Nympho
The 69 Olympics with Mark Spits and
Greg Largeanus
Snatch Adams
The Sperminator
Sperms of Endearment
Splatman
Star Whores
Starship Poopers
Star Trek: Erection
Star Trek: The Next Penetration
Studsky and Snatch
Suck Rodgers in the 69th Century
Summer of 69ing
2069, A Space Orgy
The T & A Team
Tales from the Dark Hole
Tango and Gash
Terms of Endowment
The Texas Dildo Massacre
Three Men and a Babe
Threesomes Company
To Live and Shave in LA
Top Buns
Total Reball
Turn Her and Hootch
The Twilight Bone
Twin Cheeks
The Wadd Squad
Waddzilla
Watersports World
A Wet Dream on Elm Street
When Harry Ate Sally
Where the Boy’s Aren’t
White Men Can’t Hump
Who Reamed Robin Rabbit?
Whore of the Worlds
Willy Wonka and the Hershey Highway
Yank My Doodle, It’s a Dandy
You’ve Got Male!
‘ Hurrah for Biff!!’
Gold star for effort!
(that surely merits a mug/mousemat?)
I’m working Saturday nightshift and I’d rather not be!
listening to- Pixies ‘Bossanova’
Just got 19 emails – placed in between sunshine_in_va and Biff – from one Bryon Johnson, with random statements in broken English – but they don’t show up here on the website. Is this what they call “comment spam”?
the last time I posted a comment from work, was the last time I could see the surf report from work. dammit! dammit! I didn’t even know if the comment was posted until just now.
btw AWG – “wonky” is another word for “weird” – when I was able to see the site, the format was disjointed, nearly all the graphics were missing, I think the font was Times New Roman, etc. now I can’t see it at all. GAH!
I burned a bridge with a business associate last week. Our exchange was not as eloquent or succinct as Jeff’s parting words to the Subway samlich engineer. She was loud and ridiculous and I got loud and incredulous. I’m so glad its done and I’m so glad I didn’t play nice. Screw it. I’m too old to play that shit anymore.
Biff how long did it take you to watch em?
Jeff, glad you’re enjoying UK Life on Mars. Look out for the sequel called Ashes to Ashes (another Bowie song..geddit?) It’s similar but set in the 80′s, same characters but a woman physchiatrist (?) goes back..excellent…..gotta love politically incorrect Gene Hunt! Enjoy
Good Evening Surf Reporters……
~ good one pagan
was wondering that me’self
uh-oh the wvsr got kicked off google again
I think that shitcock “Bryon Johnson” has something to do with wvsr getting kicked off of google for spam. I read one of the comments he made the other day and it was gibberish. And chill just mentioned that he tried to do 19 in a row.
Probably a fucking Nigerian scammer.
Actual New York Times headline:
Can a Boy Wear a Skirt to School?
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/08/fashion/08cross.html?_r=1&ref=fashion
Alice, scary mary, TFM, perhaps the problem is ‘Bryon Johnson’. Jeff posted on Twitter something about his website being spam bombed. When there were 2 Bryon Johnson posts still here I clicked on one, and it linked to an Amazon page for air filters. Damn that Bryon Johnson, and I was thinking about buying one of his air filters too!
Good2go – I read the article and it was interesting, but I thought we worked through all of this in the 80′s?
I had some weird-assed “get viagra here” kinda thing left in my comments section over at my place. Never had that since I started my thing over a year ago. Maybe my wife knows about my new girlfrind and wants every thing to go well. Dunno?
How about…..
Fannie
Tarzen the Rape Man
The Affair of the Pearl Necklace
Mallsluts
The Days of Buns and Hoses.
Napoleon’s Dynomite
T.W.A.T
Shaft
Octomomspussy
“V” for Vaigina
African Queen
Guys and Dolls
I’ll think of more later but my brain hurts. I’ve benn writing a story for the last week and lost 14,000 words I’ll never get back. Last night was wine and tissues. I realized I’m not too old to cry. Then…after an excuse to get hammered, I realized I’ll just continue from where I tanked and then go back and do the first part of 50,000 words in a month (goal) I lost. My story is still there in my head and an ‘outline’ of scribbling is still on my desk.
Black Booty
Slurpico
A Pair of Tits Now
I’m having beer and pretzles for breakfast again. Yeah…I’m messed -up
@Good2go…a skirt is ok on a guy as long as it’s plaid.
DTO – tried to leave a message for you “over there” but it didn’t take. Drop me an e-mail when you get a chance WhiteTrashBarbie22(at)gmail(dot)com -WTB
WTB,,,done…but I’ll probably show up as ‘Spam’. Hey…that would have been a great halloween costume. Ah yes….my glory must wait until “Next Year”.
DTO – got it – no spam – WTB
Re-set to Friday. Got 11,177 words back!!!! Yip-Fuckin’-Yee!!!
Thanks!…-dave
That was supposed to start out with…THANKS…WTB!
I got in a hurry.
Good Evening Surf Reporters….
I’m with everybody else. I won’t sleep until I see Byron Johnson’s head on a spit.
DTO! Yay!
Bryon Johnson’s too for that matter……
Did we not discuss the doucheyness of Brian, Bryan and now the douchiest spelling Bryon recently. You just can’t trust these people. My apologies to all you non-douchebag Brians out there, both of you know who I’m talking about.
Try out BBC’c Being Human – pretty typical BBC stuff, but a decnet story line.