Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 441
You know what really gripes my ass? When people leave all their trash on the table at a fast food restaurant, and just walk out the door. It’s not really any of my business, I’m not going to be the one who has to clean it up or anything, but it makes my blood boil nonetheless.
In fact, I’ll probably get my butt kicked because of it someday. The arrogant, antisocial pricks. I always hope they’ll turn the key in their car, and instantly find themselves inside a roaring ball of fire. Is that wrong?
A few days ago I read two separate reviews of the new Madness album, calling it the best of their career. In 2009? Seriously? I had to hear it, but Amazon only had a British import for some enormous amount of money.
So, going out on a limb, I clicked over to eMusic, and they actually had it. Cool! I had about 25 credits in the bank there, and downloaded the full album five minutes after deciding I wanted it. My cost? Roughly $4.86.
And today eMusic deposited 10 free credits in my account, calling it a “loyalty bonus.” I think I’ll use them to grab the new Yo La Tengo album, or something by Husker Du.
Somebody, I can’t remember who, was ripping eMusic in the comments a few days ago, saying they “straight-up suck.” Needless to say, everybody’s entitled to their opinion. And mine just happens to be the exact opposite of the commenter’s. Suck? Maybe in a world where black is white, up is down, and Bill Maher is funny.
And the new Madness? Yeah, it’s shockingly good.
I was talking with a guyrecently who told me several interesting things.
He said he once worked on a crew picking “bell peppers,” with a bunch of Amish men. And they reportedly perform personal hygiene like it’s 1699. Just thought you’d want to know.
He also told me he recently got into an argument with an 85 year old man at a VFW hall. The old guy was berating him for only having fought in the first Gulf War, when he’d been in World War II.
After some discussion, it was learned that the Gulf War guy had two Purple Hearts, and the old man had repaired typewriters somewhere in New Jersey during 1944 and 1945. But WWII still trumped the Gulf War, so there.
A lot of people try to do all the talking when they’re shooting the shit with somebody they just met. But I prefer to do most of the listening; it’s a hell of a lot more fun.
At my job they’re collecting backpacks for a children’s charity, some kind of back to school deal. But they specify, very strongly: no red backpacks. WTF? What’s that all about? Does it have something to do with gang colors? It’s the only explanation I can come up with. I’m fairly confused here.
I recently heard someone on George Noory’s radio show claim that as many as 150 species become extinct every day. Of course, he was talking about molds and spores, as well as animals.
But it got me to thinking… What “species” would you like to see go away forever? You know, if Mother Nature took requests like an FM radio station? I’ll get the ball rolling with gnats. Gnats, which insist on using my neck and eyeballs as a discotheque all summer. God, how I hate them.
What do you say? What creatures would you like to see go fully extinct? And please remember, we’re only playing around here. There’s no need to lecture me on my insensitivity. Plus, it wouldn’t do any good.
While I was having lunch today (Triple Lindy burrito and root beer), I started thinking about something I said many years ago that got a lot of strong reaction, and definitely rates as one of my Greatest Hits. In my opinion, anyway.
When I worked for The World’s Largest Record Company, in Atlanta, somebody called in a bomb threat one afternoon. We were instructed to exit the building, and wait on the parking lot while the authorities conducted an investigation.
It was winter and cold, and they kept us out there for a long, long time. Everybody was shivering and complaining, and I finally shouted, “Aw come on, let us back in! The only bomb in that building is the new Madonna album!!”
Everybody laughed, except the people who worked directly for Warner Records. For some reason they didn’t care for my “comedy.” Heh.
I don’t know why that popped into my head today, but I thought I’d share. I usually beat myself up during lunch, remembering past failures and humiliations. So, it was a pleasant change of pace.
And speaking of failures and humiliations, I’ve got a t-shirt cluster copulation on my hands. I’ve got orders piled up for three different styles of shirt now, and several requests for size changes, etc.
I’m not complaining, mind you. I appreciate every order, sincerely. But it’s a mess, and I’m going to have to devote some time to it, or I’ll end up sending out wrong sizes and whatnot. So, please bear with me. I’ll get it all organized over the weekend. Sorry for the delay.
I need a freakin’ intern, or somebody else I can exploit fully.
And if you want one (or more) of our three shirts, here’s yer page. Thanks for the continued support!
Today’s October 1 already. Have you done any Christmas shopping yet? I think Toney has. Needless to say, I won’t even start to think about it until about December 15. What about you? Are you the disgustingly prepared type?
I’ll leave you now with a Question from the Stealing Clive Bull‘s Topics desk. I’d like to know what one Super Hero power you’d like to have, if you could choose. I’d definitely go with invisibility, although the power of flight wouldn’t be too shabby, either.
Use the comment link to tell us your preference. What’ll it be? X-ray vision? Running ridiculously fast? Stretch Armstrong appendages? Give us your thoughts.
And I’ll be back on Monday with more of this topnotch entertainment.
Have a great weekend, my friends.
Filed under: Daily
This is easy
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!!
I’m on the third floor watching the Rockies.Bottom 5th 5-0 Rockies
FRESH!
Mosquitos. If we get rid of them ,then there’s not much need for spiders, which can only be a good thing.
Sweet! Close to the top again!
Dammit I was lurking hard and then my boss stopped in to shoot the shit, I had this clip all loaded up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrQlozXk9-k
Top 10?
Invisibility for me
I want to be able to blow things up with lightening bolts that shoot from my eyes on demand. You know, like asshat drivers and such.
damn, thought I had it…oh well.
Species that could become extinct and I wouldn’t give one tiny seahorse shaped shitlet; and stinging insect(bees, wasps, hornets, et.al.)
Stinkbugs! Christ in a sidecar, have you seen these things? There is a mass invasion here in Western PA, I’m not sure about other parts of the country. They look prehistoric, swarm by the hundreds and if you are dumb enough to crush one, the wretched stench they emit could kill a horse.
the stinkbug >> http://www.ent.iastate.edu/images/hemiptera/stinkbug/brown_stink_bug_adult.jpg
Mosquitoes , or do they classify as stinging insects. No, I guess not, they have no stinger.
Fleas. What useful purpose do they serve other than tormenting dogs and cats?
Switching topics. Superpower? Easy. The ability to stop and/or manipulate time. Anyone remember a movie on TV from the late 70′s/early 80′s “The Girl, The Gold Watch and Everything”?
I wanted that watch so bad.
The Girl, The Gold Watch and Everything > http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080792/
I want mind control. I promise to use it for good and evil but mostly good.
Skunks…fuck ‘em
Remember Kramer’s intern from New York University? Darin is no longer interning at “Kramerica” and could probably assist Jeff with the T shirt debacle !
Mosquitoes need to go!!!
Yes I have some shopping for Christmas done already, but I like to drag it out, you know, shop some here, shop some there. And I absolutley will get it done before Black Friday or whatever they call it…the crowds get scary around here and I can’t take it.
As a super power I think I have to go with invisibility too.
Scabies need to die off. My sister works at a pharmacy and recently had some suspicious bumps (she says about 5 people per day come in with scabies), so she was “quarantined” for a few days, and all of us that frequent her house had to slather ourselves with horrendous permethrin cream, which burned the bejeezus out of my tender skin. A couple weeks on and my skin still hasn’t recovered.
If I could, I would take out the cat that keeps spraying the side of my shed. (Why the hell do people not alter their pets?) I’d also take out the skunks that live across the street near the creek because they make it impossible for me to sleep with my windows open. Oh, and the raccoons that crawl up through the sewer drain in front of my house, squeeze their fat asses under the gate, and play around on my garden furniture at night.
I would opt for mind control for my superpower. I’d like to make an army of little zombies to do my bidding and serve me. Or the ability to eat anything I wanted to without my ass expanding. Whichever.
Had to add this…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGKh4pTCDcg
SuperPower?
I’d like to go back in time and be in the “2 Girls, 1 Cup” video.
My superpower would be wretched, debilitating body odor. Oh wait – think I already have that one covered…
Species I’d Make Extinct: I could live without the various species of house flies. I also wouldn’t miss polio, rhinovirus, HIV, influenza, etc. You can add to the list various the various trypanosomes that cause disease, bacteria such as E. coli OH157:H7 (but not regular E.coli!!), and bot flies. Oh, and fundies, I really hate fundies (supposedly, they’re human but I’m holding out for a karyotype).
Christmas Shopping: I get paid every two weeks and it just so happens that this month we get and “extra” pay cheque (3 instead of the normal 2) so I’ll do my shopping early this year. The last couple of years I’ve used my Christmas bonus for shopping, but I can’t help thinking of Clark Griswold and wondering if I’m tempting fate.
Super Power: The ability to pass through matter at will.
Geez, I was just having the superpower convo with a friend the other night. Mine would be to have the ability to make far-wing political junkies (take your pick on right or left because the fringe is full of stupid in either end of spectrum) fill with logic so that they could see the lack of truth in the Kool-Aid they drink. I would also like to have the power to remove that part of the Kool-Aid that makes them feel the need to parrot every political catchphrase they hear or read.
But, being 5’2″ having the arms of Plasticman (or even Baby Plas) would totally rock. I’m sick of climbing on something to reach the top of my own damned cabinets and just think of the advantage of being able to scratch an itch in the middle of your own back without having to involve another person and a copious amount of directions just to get that person near (but not quite directly on) that itchy spot.
Pokeweed could go extinct and I’d be doing a happy dance. That shit grows in my yard every year. It doesn’t have on big long taproot. It has several. I can dig forever and never get it all. I’ve left it alone the past month, though, so the starving squirrel invaders can at least have those berries (even though I know they’ll shit the damned seeds and I’ll have to fight even more pokeweed next year). Pokeweed roots laugh at dandelion roots.
The Qweezy Mark,
You should seek professional help because I think you might need some “Vitamin H”.
Tyrosine — you scared me for a minute. I thought you meant these: http://www.designverb.com/wp-content/images/2006/07/fundies_2.gif
I’m with JCIII – any stinging insect. Hate them.
Super power? Flight. But I’m sure the airwaves would get just as backed up as the highways with asshole fliers texting and flying that it would take the fun out of it.
And yes, about 736 years ago I worked in McDonalds and had plenty of people who would leave their shit behind because “the *girl* can get it.” Lazy mo fos. Still makes my blood boil.
Cracking up the crowd – I was at a convention in Vegas in the 80′s, and the foot traffic between buildings that housed different events was heavy enough to warrant having a cop at the crosswalks. I was waiting with about 60 other people for the “walk” sign, and the cop was on my side of the street (8 lanes, with an island in the middle).
Some guy on the other side decided to hotfoot it regardless of the sign, and as soon as he was in the street, the cop blew his whistle to get Mr. Anxious back with the program.
I yelled “SHOOT HIM!”…my whole side of the street cracked up, even the cop looked over his shoulder smiling…
Brynhildr…Scabies does not require quarantine fisrt of all. I went through my first learning experience about 35 years ago and as recently six months ago. It takes a two month developement period from first contact with the source. There was no reason for you to do the premethrin. As the stuff grew in my body for two months to unbearable itching (not just “bumps”), my wife didn’t “catch it”. Hands, feet, neck, crotch, legs…all over. Scabies does not produce bumps. Little red holes. Trust me. Some of you have read the stuff I wrote (three parts) about my recent encounter. The how and what and all that.. Five people a day is weird…it’s very rare. I think these people need to wash their bedding more often. Not a pissing contest here. Just kinda know my stuff on this one.
But yeah…tiff told me that was at the top of her list to get rid of when she rules the whole works.
Madz1962…third floor report…Rockies 9-1 top of the 9th.
Rockies made the play offs!
One species to go? The whales…fuck ‘em.
Jeff needs an intern. Can you say Kaymerica?
In a similar vein to people who leave their food wrappers on the table, the species that leaves grocery carts wherever in the parking lot is most convenient for THEM can go extinct yesterday. On more than one occasion I’ve had to move SOMEONE ELSE’S cart so I move MY car. WTF thought process is happening there?
I vote for all bugs…except butterflies, I guess altho I don’t think of them as bugs…
Super Power? I think I want to manipulate time so I can go forward a few days, get the lottery numbers, come back to the present and go get my ticket!
Or I could just manipulate minds and make the lottery officials think I won the money….hmmmm.
I bought a couple of Christmas presents last Spring but probably won’t buy any thing else until December. I got a good deal so I jumped on it. I really don’t like shopping that far in advance because I put things in the top of the closet and then forget all about them.
bus my own table at a fast food place? scroom! they can pick up my trash,I’m not their busboy.
I would TOTALLY allow you to exploit me for all the beer I can drink. I’d be ok with it and probably serve as some fine entertainment in the process.
As for the request to not purchase red backpacks for the kiddos….
Maybe they’re collecting for kids who live in rural areas…kids who have to walk to school past the farms where they live…and maybe…just maybe they’re afraid the red backpacks will draw the attention of bulls who live on the farms that they have to walk past.
I don’t think I could live with myself if I were responsible for a bull goring a child with a red backpack I’d purchased.
Of course if it were down here in the bible belt, I’d be inclined to believe that red is unacceptable because it’s connected to the hell fires that burn and torment all them sinners who ain’t been saved yet. We can’t have that now, can we?.
Palmetto Bugs– Down here they are like the guest of our country. Every time you turn around, there are three or four of them in sight. Outside, or inside, trying to keep “moist”. These fucking things end up on your table in restaurants and in your bed at home. Kill them all.
My comedy triumph, besides the phone call with the woman who thought I was the Applebee’s manager a few weeks back, was the guy who called me yesterday, on my cell, asking for a quote on his re-roofing. I tild him there was a $2,000 estimate, which was non-refundable and that he needs to bring someone who speaks Spanish to the estimate. He asked for my supervisors number and I gave him a fake number and told him to ask for Richard Gazinya. Also told him to call him Dick, when asking for him and he might receive a favorable discount. That was good.
Gotta go with invisibility. The womens room at my office is full of hot scientist chicks.
Add another vote to the mosquito column. And gnats and flies.
Superpower- Gotta go with Brynhilder. Total mind and body control. You WILL do what I want.
Christmas- Gifts have been chosen out of catalogs, companies and stock numbers written on a pad of paper, but nothing ordered yet. Next month.
AWG, I just saw a picture of you with your curly hair. What a hottie! I love old yearbooks!
Invisibility – because then I could get on any airplane and go anywhere I wanted without paying or having to go through customs. (I have no desire to enter a men’s room. Really.)
I won’t Christmas shop at all. I now give gift cards. It’s not creative, but it’s cheaper than shopping.
few years aga i was in cabellas store in wheeling wv
was a hot august day
3 bus loads amish,deoderent obviously not allowed
1 busload of mentally challeneged adalts in diapers,some in not too fresh diapers
the amish were talking in what i guess was pa dutch language
the special people were babbling , several having meltdowns at hi decibel level
was a assault on nose and ears
animal i get rid of..polar bears,
then maybe everyone shut up about global warming
I wouldn’t mind if roaches disappeared forever.
Super hero power: the ability to freeze time for everyone but me. It would make my commute to work SO much easier.
Christmas shopping. I only buy like 2 gifts, so it’s pretty easy for me.
Oh wait….maybe my super hero power would be to teleport. That would be pretty awesome too.
I found this and thought of Jason:
http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/2009/09/28/are-you-willing-to-help-him-with-his-addiction/
Of course I’ve done some christmas shopping…..I bought 2 surf report shirts!!
Definatly agree with AWG, palmetto bugs. I thought they were big when I lived in Myrtle Beach, but they are the size of humming birds in New Orleans.
Super power, to understand men!
Tammie, I rememer AWG’s curley hair
, he was cute.
Another one for mosquito extinction.
For a super power I’d like to be able to control animals. I wouldn’t have to worry about hitting a deer any more but all the inattentive jerk offs would. And I could have skunks attack whoever it is that’s been letting their dog crap in my front yard.
NDdaninAZ,
That’s a wonderful link. Someone in the comments called him a “quesosexual”. Fantastic.
What little Christmas shopping I do doesn’t take place until after Dec 22. I’m a last minute kind of guy.
Most bugs can go fuck themselves. Stinging, swarming, noise making, wood eating, they suck. Also snakes can fuck off. And sharks. And jellyfish. And birds should lose the ability to make noise.
I think I’d go with being invisable too. All the spying you could do and all the bank vaults you could enter. Having lasers come out of my eyes is a close second. Having a magical penis that women throw themselves at would be a close third.
Quesosexual….hahaha. I hadn’t read the comments.
Being able to fly could only work in conjunction with some sort of immortality / super durability because you just know that within the first 10 minutes you’d fly into a tree or a power line or something and go splat.
Brynhildr,
No, I meant these:
http://chipcurrin.files.wordpress.com/2007/05/jerry-falwell.jpg
How bout that golden rope that Wonder Woman had? She’d tie someone in it and they were forced to tell the truth. I always thought that if she tied me in it I’d say, “I wanna lick your tits. Just being honest.”
I don’t see how bears are usefull. Also mooses. Those fucking things are dangerous. So to hell with bears and mooses.
We have Christmas with the Chinese, which is in April, I think. So I have a good amount of time left.
The Qweezy Mark – That is just gross on all levels. That should be “Two Girls, One up”!!!
NDfaninAZ,
That Swiss cheese link is pure awesome! Just for fun I’m going to post it to Craigslist and see if I get any responses. If I do I’ll post them.
DTO — No pissing match here either but your info on the symptoms and the incubation period is only partially correct.
http://www.cdc.gov/scabies/symptoms.html
If a couple of medical doctors at the hospital where my sister works say she had scabies, I’ll believe them. Because she works in close contact with people who are already sick and therefore more susceptible to any disease, the hospital required her to be “quarantined” (I used quotation marks because she wasn’t like the bubble boy, but rather she couldn’t go to work for 2 days until she began treatment). As a precautionary measure and because I spend a good deal of time with her, the hospital asked that all of us be treated just in case we were not yet showing symptoms. Her co-workers in the pharmacy were also asked to do the same.
http://www.cdc.gov/scabies/prevent.html
For the average citizen, that might seem like a lot, but personally I’d listen to the CDC and err on the side of caution when compromised immune systems are a potential issue.
I would have to say no to super powers. I’ll just end up like Hancock. An alcoholic superhero who just pisses everybody off.
Shoot. I’m a dumbass. I knew I shouldn’t have put two links in one comment. I hate the “awaiting moderation” message.
WVBumblebee – Go to http://tinyurl.com/y9jom5g , there you will find the secret you are seeking.
I get a little geek boner reading Tyrosine’s posts.
Sorry Tyrosine. You make me yearn for the days of test tubes and beta mercaptoethanol all over again. I’m just sick like that.
Time Travel without a doubt, forward and back.
Go back to 1970 and sit on the back porch with my grandpa peeling apples.
Hang out with my dad when was late twenties and shoot a round of golf with him in his prime.
Eat Grandma’s home made chicken pot pie after church on Sunday after church.
Travel to 1982 and bang an 18 year old at the drive in. Of course, I want to be 18 years old also.
Ride my bike down Main Street in my hometown on D-Day.
Hang out with Hemingway for an afternoon in a bar on Key West.
Sit on a dock fishing in the Ohio River for an afternoon with my buddies at age 14 or 15 with a cooler full of beer.
Attend Super Bowl IX, when Steeler’s won in New Orleans.
Experience my wedding reception all over again, what a bash.
The list is endless.
Skeeters, gnats would be fine too. Superpower? Telekinesis.
Emusic = Erock! I downloaded Two Cow Garage, 500 Miles to Memphis, The Cincinnati Suds, and so many many more.
I got suckered in by the pickin’ on music series, but I’ll take my lumps on that.
Superpower – I would want to be able to read minds. I want to know what people are thinking when they don’t say what they mean.
All bugs of the creepy crawly kind should be wiped off the face of the planet. Especially those silverfish things that even my cats won’t kill.
Here’s an interesting fact about the Amish. When the women come into the hospital to have babies, the men will immediately fuck the woman within a matter of minutes after delivery. It is a constant battle for the nurses to keep the husband off the wife. It is beyond disgusting! And they do stink to high heaven. You can find herds of them in waiting rooms funking up a whole wing of a hospital.
Where does one find this picture of Angry White Guy with curly hair?
JCIII, “The Girl, The Gold Watch and Everything” – holy crap, I’d forgotten all about that! I did the video editing on that, inserting commercial breaks etc. to turn the film into a ready-to-air “TV movie”. Afterwards we made lots of copies to send out to stations. Do I recall Jean Shepherd doing the voice over for the promos, or was that some other movie?
Species to extinctify: add me to the mosquito and cockroach partisans. Termites too while we’re at it. Not that I have a personal axe to grind with them, but why take a chance?
My super power is that I shovel well (not just for Bill Macy anymore), but I like the idea of invisibility and/or the ability to walk through walls. All at will, of course.
I say leave the food wrappers, etc. on the table. At least if the cheap ass places paid somebody to clean up the crap, you might get a CLEAN table once in awhile. I hate sitting at tables with the last persons crumbs and slobber all over the place!
The thing is, I don’t leave the shit on the table. Oh well, quoting P. J. O’Rourke, “what the fuck, what the fucking fuck.”
Craig Ferguson re: the Twilight movies “I want a vampire I can be scared of, not some douchebag with his hat on backwards.” HA!
Species to disappear? Well not bees, because I’m fond of honey and I like my plants pollinated. Gnats are very high on the Shit Can List. But after careful deliberation, I’ve decided on the Amish.
As for Christmas shopping, I’ve gotten some of it done. The rest will probably be completed last minute. So I am both disgustingly prepared and a doofus procrastinator.
My Superpower would be flying. I’m already invisible enough, thank you very much (at least according to the automatic doors, soap dispensers, and other things of that ilk that always ignore me).
And my comedy gold moment? I’ve actually had several, but my favorite was in grad school. This chick was droning on and on about some computer program that she especially loved. She thought herself technologically light years ahead of everyone else and couldn’t get enough of hearing herself talk on the subject (usually implying along the way that the rest of us were all barely functioning troglodytes). So as wound down her long soliloquy with a “I love it so much I…”, I interjected with a loud falsetto “I want to marry it!” And much to my surprise the whole class burst out laughing. The look of death she shot me was priceless.
Douchebag vampires are second on the list.
hardoxdan, I think I’m in love.
Shiny Rod…OMG!! That is the funniest shit I have ever read!! Thank you so much!! Oh and I wasn’t going to tell you, but I ordered 2 of the oops shirts. Yes I know, VT colors, but I’m giving them as Christmas gifts, so they’ll be floating around hte Kanawha Co Sheriffs Dept. ( You know I can’t wear those colors).
Jeff,
Since you’ve got the gnat covered, I’m going to go for dandelions and the maggot. You may have said I only get one choice, but I will use my wife’s choice too. She does not Surf, so will never know.
I think I would only hope the key broke in the door for the persons who leave their trash on the table.
I await my oops shirt as well. I’ll probably have to spill drops of bleach or something on it to really seal the deal.
Greg
Greg in Cincinnati,
I’ll be in town Friday and Saturday. This may sound gay but want to go to a Reds game Friday? Or Fountain Square on Sat,The Seedy Seeds at 7:40pm and Wussy at 8pm.
Just throwing it out there.
T-storm
Jeesus Christ! I thought I had stolen and burned all of those yearbooks! I don’t even look at all like that kid now. Now I look like a 270 pound Tom Green, with both balls.
Hardoxdan, I never considered time travel as a superpower. Thta’s gotta be the best one.
SKEETERS need to go, they suck!
People that don’t pick up their garbage or put away their shopping carts are next.
Hotshoe has a valid point though. If you halfass bus your own table the zitster staff won’t look for crumbs and slobber, thet’ll assume the table is clean.
FRIDAY!!!!
tiff,
You are sick. There’s a lot of things I miss about the lab but BME ain’t on the list. After 1000′s of acrylamide gels and ONPG assays I never really got used to it.
On a side note I get to stroll down memory lane after work today and go back to my old lab and see if I can teach some of the new grad students some basic lab skills. Wish me luck!
Panda bears can go. They don’t want to mate, and if for some reason they do, they rarely conceive. And if for some reason they do, they don’t care for their offspring.
Species than can disappear: Spiders
Superpower: The ability to control the size of my penis at any time
People that don’t clean up after themselves: Pigs
@ Qweezy,
re: 2 chix– you are dead to me.
AWG….I’m sure you still have curly hair…..somewhere….
heh hehe hehe
WVKay and AngryWhiteGuy.
Thanks for your kind words.
I was feeling all sentimental last night, after several Vodkas and a few little blue pills.
Started thinking about all the wonderful people in my life who have passed and how I miss them so much.
Something to read, if you feel like it………
October 2, 2009
President Bill, Dangerous Toys and Waiting for the Perfect Job
X-PREZ BILL
My mother in law got to meet X-President Bill when he went to her job to play golf the other day. Actually, he was there to give a speech, but spent a little time on the golf course and chasing ass. I told mom-in-law that she should have shaken it a little for Bill and secured her future. My mother-in-law, who is just a few years older than me, looks like Sandra Bullock. X-Prez would have been all up in that. She has dated some interesting characters since she and dad-in-law divorced. One was dad-in-law’s best friend. We’ll call him Poncho. He left his wife of many years just after my wife’s parents divorced. They even got married. This devastated my sister-in-law, who was 17 at the time and had planned since childhood to marry Poncho’s son, who was a Gator player and would soon sign with the Bears. Her future was set. Now, they were brother and sister. Got lots of Springer stories in my family, both mine and my wife’s side. Mom-in-law also dated a singer in a local band. Due to this turn of events, I was able to watch Super Bowl 39 with them and one of his good friends, AC/DC singer Brian Johnson. Awesome guy. His wife was pretty cool too.
Anyway, back to X-President Bill. His morals sucked, and he did let Bin Laden slide, but I have to say that I was doing better financially at any point in my adult life when he was in office. I would have liked to seen him. It would have brought back a lot of good memories in my mind. How about you? How were you doing when President Bill was in office compared to that guy that came after him. I’d like to know if I am just disillusioned, or is this the case for most people.
YOU’LL PUT YOUR EYE OUT!
Does every toy have a warning on it now? I guess it’s for legal purposes, since some little paint chip eater is bound to try to see if they can push a Nerf Dart up their nose, or eat a Matchbox car, but today’s toys are no match for the awesome toys of the sixties. I had a tank the size of a suitcase that fired real hard plastic shells. I shot fake Dad in the forehead when I was five and put a knot the size of a golf ball there. He proceeded to rip the refrigerator door off and beat me with it and I never saw my tank again. As mentioned the other day in the comments, to get even with me he left his gun and ammo in a place where I could shoot my own self in the forehead by playing with bullets.
Also had this thing called “Incredible Edibles” The thing was like a waffle iron that would melt skin if you touched it. It came with molds you placed inside that were shaped like bugs and such and you could open these flavored ketchup packet sized packets and pour it into the mold. If you were lucky enough not to burn your fingers, it eventually produced a gummi bear type candy to eat. But let it cool, or it would scald your trachea on the way down.
In the early seventies, we got lawn darts. Heavily weighted missiles to throw high in the air and try to hit the target. What could possibly go wrong? They were around a few years. Did anyone hear about any lawsuits over them? How about the old chemistry sets. I made a toxic mix once that set my next door neighbor off as the smell permeated her house through her kitchen window. Good call Mom, on telling me to take it outdoors. Anyone ever bust their skull from the clackers? Two large marble shaped things connected by a heavy string. The idea was to make them bounce off of each other at a rapid pace, under and over, again and again, and again, and again. Our family cat was never the same after taking a hit with one of those. Springy shoes. They still have these, but not the industrial types that were metal, with thick hard springs. Twisted my ankle good with those. Any other dangerous toys?
BACKGROUND CHECKS
I have been waiting for a background check to go through to begin the process of a job I would really love to have. The Sheriff’s Department apparently does an extremely thorough check that takes several months on corrections officer candidates. They then, after the interview and drug test, send you through a nine month training course, for which you get paid, and by next summer, I could be escorting the gangstas, guests of our country, and white trash methheads back to their cells on a regular basis. This, besides the obvious health issues, is why I am whipping myself into extreme physical shape. I’m running, I’m benching 300, I’m playing basketball. I’m boxing at the local club. I’m doing it all. Do I feel any better? Fuck no, I feel like I have been beaten by gangstas, guests of our country, and white trash methheads…all at once….every day. Am I overdoing it, or am I supposed to feel this way, at my age? I heard that exercise is supposed to hurt, to be beneficial. Any suggestions for pain relief, other than some kind of salve that will make everyone around me gag from the menthol smell?
On IPOD right now- “Ringfinger”- Nine Inch Nails
Emusic is great, I’m a big fan.
I recommend the Young Fresh Fellows.
Put me down for mosquitoes as well, little bastards can ruin an other wise perfect evening, although with the first frost approaching they won’t be around much longer and I reserve the right to change my mind and extinctify the tools who can’t carry out the basic functions of a civil society.
Superpower-time travel provided there are safeguards in place so I can’t fuck up the future or present.
Christmas shopping…hahhahhah, yeah right. We usually have a fambly get together after Christmas so I don’t even start until after, hows that for putting something off!
@ The Qweezy Mark….that was the funniest goddamn thing I’ve read in a while.
On Listening
*Nobody ever learned anything when they were talking
*Light travels faster than sound and that’s why some
people seem bright until you hear what they’re saying.
On Extenction
*Politicians
On Xmas Shopping
*Half done. I do it year round
AWG…..I still have my yearbooks and you can’t have them. It’s the only way I can figure out who everybody is on facebook.
Clackers? Love them!!
Hardoxdan…yesterday was ruff on me too, my father passed 25 years ago yesterday, and it was supposed to be my 25th anniversary. Funky day!
Playing this weekend in N’awlins…Chicago!
Halloween’s voodoo festival looks to be a god one 100+ bands with Kiss being the headliner!
I remember some kind of lawn man sprinkler thing whose head was covered in thin strands of “hair” – which were tiny hoses. I think it was about the size of a 5 gallon bucket. You’d hook the thing up to a water hose and let it rip and the “hair” would sling around wildly. We’d run into it and if you were lucky you’d get away with a few welps across your body and still have both your eyes. That hair made of hoses turned into dozens of whips. Very bad idea.
Water toys seemed to be the worst. Everyone has had a slip n slide with that shitty little banana sprinkler. We’d always seem to set our slide over several sticks and large rocks. When you dove face first down onto the plastic your side would get ripped open by the sticks and stones. “Push your guts back in and get outta the way, pussy.”
I’ve been climbing fairly steady regardless of who is President.
Fleas…no point in them!
Tyrosine – the lab isn’t what it used to be…nowadays you can buy premade gels and running sequences takes what – 3 minutes?
I once busted a 50 mL bottle of BME on the lab floor. That mistake was good for an entire-floor evacuation. Nothing to do for it but hit the bar and wait it out. Dang!
I meant to include this. I watched “Leaving Las Vegas” the other night and thought it was excellent. I watched in soon after it came out and thought it was stupid. Then I realized that Nick Cage (who I hate, he knows why) gave an awesome performance, and that is why he probably won the Oscar that year. Watching his charactoer, I realized that that was exactly the way I acted back when I drank. I think I kinda liked him in “valley Girl”, but other than that, his exagerated bug eyed characters tended to annoy me. Good stuff in this one, though, Nick. The movie got and Angry “thumbs-up” from me. Did you like “Leaving Las Vegas”?
On IPOD right now- “”Master of Puppets”- Metallica.
Going to damage my ears a little more seeing Metallica tomorrow night.
Feral Cat, not so much a species, more of a subspecies, and the by-product of irresponsible pet owners, they might as well be RATS as far as I’m concerned off them all.
Super power, heat vision. The longer I stare at something the hotter it gets. Being able to melt the tires off of the card in front of me would make driving much more fun.
After reading everybody’s post I think the refuse in the restaurant issue is best handled this way…
Leave your table like you found it.
If it was nasty leave it that way so somebody will notice it and clean it up.
If it was clean, leave it that way…
Superpower: The ability to stop time for everyone else but me and anyone I was touching at the time. Getting money would be easy, have a quickie (or a not-so-quickie) at work without getting caught, take a nap, sneak to the front of the line/crowd, give a consequence free beating to those that deserve it…the possibilities are endless.
Christmas shopping? Not even a spec of thought has been put into it. I’ll be lucky and ecstatic to have it done by Dec 20th.
@AWG, I”ll be seing Metallica from the pit in exactly a month from tomorrow. Megadeth and Slayer on Nov 11th. Enjoy the show!
KYDave, instead of the feral cats, how about you eliminate the sub-species that is irresponsible pet owners? Just line them up and I’d be glad to pick them off one by one. It’s not the cats’ fault, they’re just being cats. The same goes for backyard dog breeders like the neighbor 2 doors down. This fucktard keeps 2 dogs (used to be 3 but one tried to jump the fence and sliced her leg open) in and 8×8 cage, one of which is a non-show quality, non-papered husky he intends to breed. Stupid fucking motherfucker!! Sorry to rant but few things piss me off to the extent as mistreated animals.
tiff,
Meh, I had a friend who worked at Biorad and he comped me a bunch of the pre-cast gels. They’re really only useful for diagnostics, or if you do RNA work and are a klutz. Real lab rats who do research cast their own.
I used to run 10 minute agarose gels by casting them ultra thin in a home made rig. Not only was it fast, but it had great resolution, and you didn’t need to use tons of sample to get a band.
I can see why you’re nostalgic about the smell of BME. After you spill that much you’re best just learning to like it, because it’s never going away. My biggest fuck-up was breaking a hybe tube in my hand while doing a Southern blot (in front of a lab full of 4th years). Took me a week to pick all the glass out.
AWG-I would agree with on the economy during slick willy, things were pretty good from 92 till 2000 but a lot of the exuberence especially the dot com stuff really came back to haunt us later.
I’m not sure what is haunting me right now, but I know I am goddamn tired of working one full time and two part time jobs just to pay bills.
On IPOD right now- “Maggie’s Farm”- Specials
Tune in to Dave Ramsey I’m sure he could help figure out what is haunting you.
Tyrosine – I got my first chemistry set at the age of 9. My older brother left his high school chemistry book out and I read it from cover to cover. First experiment – Potassium permanganate and glycerol, they wouldn’t let me buy sulfuric acid at the hobby store without a parent. Amazed the all the kids. Scared the shit out of the adults, most kids wouldn’t play with me after that one. Alakalines and bases are so much fun to play with.
Shiny Rod,
Potassium permanganate is a bitch to get these days because it’s a precursor used in making crystal meth, but mixing it with glycerol is a fun trick.
**Note to any Noobs out there: KMnO4 + Glycerol= FIRE!**
We used to use it to light thermite, but since 9/11 a number of government agencies seem to have lost their appreciation of “back yard “chemistry and making thermite where I live now gets you a ticket to PMITA prison. I can’t even buy powdered aluminum where I live.
There’s a book by Theo Gray called Mad Science that’s just filled with fun things to do that can cause serious injury. I highly recommend it.
I’m a bit of a chemist myself. Sometimes I’ll take baking soda and just dump some vinegar on it. CRAZY FIZZ!!!
Tyrosine speaks the truth. My cousin used to make his own fireworks out of blasting caps and dynamite. The houses in the whole neighborhood shook when he put on a firework show! No more. He does not fear dynamite, but he’s got no desire to draw the law for a simple *kaboom* show.
I vote for Tammie as a kickass intern. She’s a kickass anything. And by that, I mean she kicks ass.
I missed the comedy gold bit: Anything to do with the ex-BIL’s family will do. Since it would be a full blog to write even a portion of their Springer-like brand of hilarity, here’s a link to a taste o’ the Horns: http://buzzardbilly.blogspot.com/2009/09/horn-family-strikes-again.html
Here’s a super power I’ve always thought would be cool to have: The ability to not get hurt, no matter what! You could fall off a tall building, freaking people out, but not be harmed in the least. You could start a fight with anybody and not worry about receiveing any physical harm in return. If they decided to beat the hell out of you, so what? You wouldn’t be hurt. Bullets? No problem. But mostly, I think it would be a blast to see peoples reaction when they saw you step in front of a speeding car or throw yourself off a building or some other danger! With the super power, you’d never even get a scratch on you.
my superpower would be to live next to jeff’s inlaws and report daily on their life
been long tme since i heard a nancy nugget
Being on the west coast, I always get the surf report later than most everyone else. By the time I’ve read all the comments, I’m usually one of the last ones to comment…everyone else has gone to bed ready for the next day’s surf report. So, I’ve accepted that I’ll never get to be in the top ten!
But hey, since everyone else has submitted their comments for the day, that leaves the rest of the space for me! I can just write comment after comment, to my hearts content. Nobody will probably read them, since I’m always so late, but maybe I’ll entertain myself!
Jeff, you read our comments, don’t you? Hope so, and hope you get a kick out of them, too!
Since I can’t be in the Top Ten, perhaps I can find satisfaction in bringing up the rear, by being in the Bottom Ten! The story of my life, always a late bloomer.
OK, I’m done!
30 miles south — great choice of superpower. I’d love to be able to say anything I wanted to whomever I wanted, and when they took a swing or popped off a few rounds, I could roll around laughing my fat ass off as their heads explode from the anger and frustration. Priceless entertainment.
Or maybe I would just become a talking “cadaver” for medical interns. Imagine how surreal it would be to have an instructor slicing open her own gut and explaining how to do an appendectomy as she performs the procedure on herself.
Dunno what the red pack back thing is all about. The only color specific weirdness I had to deal with was a contract rider when my night club wanted to book “Otis Day and the Knights.” (Animal House fame. The contract specified in bold print, “No green gels on spotlights are to be focussed on Otis.” That was no big deal, but the “One dozen red roses are to be placed in the dressing room for Otis’ 13 year old niece who is traveling on tour with him.”
Have a great weekend all. As for me, it’s back to working the night shift, after spending the day on Grand Jury duty. Unfortunately, as a member of a Grand Jury, I am sworn to secrecy…otherwise I would so totally write up my experience for a Friday guest shot at mockable.org. Suffice to say, if you drink, don’t be stupid. If you are stupid to start out with, don’t drink.
30 miles south,
I read the late comments. I’m an insomniac.
Brynhildr…I’ve been gone all all day and just read your you to me. I was speaking from my experience and homework (ableit somewhat lacking I guess) and the fact I had to tell the ‘Doctor’ here what I had, and I was right. I do know contact is a tricky thing and I did not go into all the stuff I “learned”. Believe me…I was a mess! So anyway…yeah…fuck them and skunks!…hope we’re cool here.
I’m up on the third floor again watching the Rockies and the Dodgers.
Superpower?…Knowing what the fuck I’m talking about on any subject. (except opera and poetry). (and pantyhose).
DTO – of course we’re cool.
Well, my one super power that is all to real is to repel the people I feel the closes to away from me. The unfortunate fact is that this power is all to real and so I resend to my seclusion again.
30 miles south – Be careful for what you ask for. Some super powers are not for humans, we have these frailties for a reason. We hurt, we bleed because of compassion for one another not because we want to hurt.
So with that said, I will say no more. I relinquish my role to whomever may follow. This was not meant for me. I am a loner and I am at peace with that. With tears in my eyes, good bye surf reporters. Good bye all.
I am a leaf on the wind. watch me soar…and then I am gone.
Did anyone else hear about this new book written by a former employee of the company freezing Ted Williams’ body? Tuna cans…WTF??
AWG: I completely agree about economic good times under Slick Willy’s admin. Unfortunately, I’m not optimistic what with this apologist mentality currently in the White House, that and the abudence of guests of our country getting free health care which I see everyday at work. It’s turned me into a bitter American. Not to mention pissed off employee each time I pay for my health insurance, Rx’s, etc. Must be nice getting all that shit for free ESP when you don’t even speak the fucking language! But it’s all good, just keep on having kids on USA’s dime.
Sometimes I think it’s more beneficial to be dirt poor bc you qualify for all kinds of social programs (i.e. FREE SHIT) than to be working middle class bc we still have to pay for everything.
SR-Peace out my friend!
Bama-I read that yesterday, big ol’ WTF!!
Shiny Rod,
You been dranking again?
Sorry guys for the long post but I thought most would enjoy this! AWG this one’s for you!
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says ‘I love New York ‘ in Arabic. You gotta love Robin Williams……Even if he’s nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message. Robin Williams’ plan…(Hard to argue with this logic!) ‘I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here’s one plan.’ 1) ‘The US will apologize to the world for our ‘interference’ in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those ‘good ‘ole’ boys’, we will never ‘interfere’ again. 2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence. 3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They’re illegal!!! 4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.. 5) No foreign ‘students’ over age 21. The older ones are the bombers.. If they don’t attend classes, they get a ‘D’ and it’s back home baby. 6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while 7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not ‘interfere.’ They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything. 9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us ‘Ugly Americans’ any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it…or LEAVE…Now, isn’t that a winner of a plan? ‘The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and she’s yelling, ‘you want a piece of me?’ ‘
I have a hard time beliving that Robin Williams said that.
Didn’t we say something about this being a politics-free zone?
Is that the Robin Williams that is the moronic dittohead on Fox News or the San Francisco based liberal comic Robin Wiiliams?
If you forward that to 10 people Bill Gates will send you Dollar.
Beer or no beer. I can’t make up my frikken mind. I want to feel good tonight, but I also want to feel good in the morning.
I say beer. I just cracked open an icy one.
Roger that Tammie. I wish I could find the flying dog that you guys keep raving about. I’ll be back.
First! post in 11 hours…Hello…is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me.
[nods]
BamaGwyn- I see the same thing every day at my job. Bo faith in the next 3 1/2 years either. I expect to work a fourth job before this is all over.
Bee, I did like that. Thank you.
Gotta get to Hooters now to check out the Colts game. And some other stuff.