Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 44
Last night at work someone shouted in exasperation, “Yeah, and they can all go pound sand!” That saying always makes me laugh, especially when it’s coming out of a contorted-by-anger pastyface. But I don’t know what it means. Pound sand? What the crap?
Do you have any idea? And what other oft-used phrases fall into the same category? “As all get out” is one that jumps immediately to mind. What the?
J.D. Salinger died today, or yesterday or something. Here’s a nice obit. I was a fan of both his writing and his mysterious persona. He became a recluse during the 1960s, and hasn’t granted an interview, or published anything new in over forty years.
And from all accounts… he was also a blue-ribbon curmudgeon. Which is something I can certainly appreciate.
A few years ago I sent him a request for an autograph, and my envelope was returned unopened. Here it is. And Mark Maynard and I toyed with the idea of filming a documentary, in which we traveled to the town where Salinger lived (Cornish, NH) and attempted to agitate him to the point of… something interesting happening.
But all that’s out the window now. Hopefully, however, he spent the past four decades writing, and will allow his “new” books to start being published upon his death. I read somewhere that he had a full-on bank vault installed inside his house, in which he stored his unpublished manuscripts. That might very well be boolshit, but I’d like to believe it’s true.
Anyway…
A few days ago I was talking to a guy who said he’d recently undergone surgery for testicular cancer. And now I’m convinced I have it, too.
Do you ever do that? I’m a master at it. If he’d told me a story about contracting the flesh-eating virus, I’d be convinced — right now — that my back and shoulders were starting to rot away.
It’s the power of suggestion, I guess. Mix that with my powerful paranoia… and things can quickly get out of hand. If you’ll excuse my use of the word “hand” in a conversation about balls.
The guy told me he was in surgery by noon, they extracted “the left one,” and he was in a car riding home by 2 pm. Can that possibly be true? Sounds kinda questionable to me.
In any case…
Last weekend I posted a whole mess o’ new Smoking Fish photos, and forgot to link to them. So, here they are. Thanks, folks! Keep ‘em coming. The gallery now extends to 62 big pages, and we’re just getting started.
Toney informed me I’ll be giving Andy (Black Lips Houlihan, Snoopy Manny Mann, Mr. McDingles) a bath this weekend. On account of the stench.
And man, I hate giving that hound a bath. It’s a huge production, because of his many neuroses, and I always end up soaked and mopping up ten gallons of water from the bathroom floor.
I tried to convince Toney that Andy’s high-funk is like the Fountain of Youth, and breathing it in will ensure eternal life. But she’s not buying it, for some reason.
Then I told the younger Secret it was time for him to step to the plate. He answered, “But I don’t know how.” And I said, “What do you mean, you don’t know how? You just put shampoo on his back, and start rubbing.”
But it’ll be yours truly, despite my best efforts. It’s one of those jobs that has somehow been assigned to me forever. I’m not sure how that happens, but there’s no use fighting it.
Rule of Thumb: All people who drive faster and slower are idiots.
Rule of Thumb: You can tell when things are really getting out of hand, when the midgets show up.
Today Amazon deposited $10.88 into my checking account, for my share of the past seven months-worth of Surf Report Kindle subscriptions. Hell yeah! I’m buying!! Drinks all around!
But seriously folks, I’m kinda surprised anyone subscribes to TheWVSR via Kindle. I never hear anything about it, good or bad, and just assumed there was no activity.
So, if you get the updates delivered to your Kindle, please tell me about it. How does it look? Is it pretty good? Do the links work, and everything? I’m completely in the dark here.
And since we’re on the subject… Why would anyone want to buy the new Apple iPad? A person would look like an absolute idiot making a call on that big thing. Ya know?
Before I close out the week here… this is funny, and so is this, and this.
I’m planning to take Friday off, to get caught up on some other stuff, so that’s probably what will happen. Although, you never can tell. I make plans, and they go swirling down the catcher all the time.
So, I’ll just say… see ya next time.
Have a great day, my friends!
Filed under: Daily
Helloooo!
Nice return address sticker.
Sneaking a late one in on us, huh?
And I’m going to have nightmares about pole-dancing little people now….
Fourth…not bad for a fucker.
Good Evening Surf Reporters…..
My faithful hound Arlo is long overdue for his semi-annual douching too. Alas, that is why he is known as Stinky Dog(original huh?).
But unlike Black Lips Houlihan, Arlo loves getting a bath. There’s no struggle whatsoever, except for the part of helping him hoist his big ass over the side of the tub. I guess the part Lab in him doesn’t mind the water. And, the best part is I’ve taught him to shake himself off after I’ve closed the shower curtain.
So the real reason he doesn’t get a bath more often is on account of my laziness.
Well Reporters, I’d love to stick around, but I’m in the workplace and need to get a few things done. Peace all, out.
I am not a hypochondirac. In fact I tend to under react if anything. My sister-in-law, however, is. A few weeks ago when her 2 year old started pucking she was convinced it was appendicitis and fifths disease. A stomach bug never made it on her radar.
Look around and see if there’s a “wash your own dog” place near you. They’re fantastic, even if it does sound wierd.
Our tub is reglazed, so I can’t but my dogs in it, and they’re heavier than I care to deal with, so we go to a place that charges us about $15 per dog.
They have elevated tubs with steps or ramps that the dogs can go up and stand abount waist high so there’s no bending.
The shop provides shampoo, a scrub brush, apron, towels and what not. If we go there in the winter we use their dryers, which are basically floor vacuums set to reverse.
When we’re done we just pay and leave. No mess to clean up.
We go to an independent small business, but at least one of the “big chain” pet stores offers this service in addition to tradional grooming serivce.
As far as I’m concerned it’s totally worth it. When we’re done I’m dry, theres no mess and best of all there’s no back ache.
The rule of thumb about drivers is completely accurate. I hate those morons.
Have a great weekend everybody.
Well, well, well. Where is everybody?
My little dog Sumo (dontcha love that name?!) hates getting his baths too. They take all of 5 minutes (he’s small…) but he is such a baby that once the bath is complete, he bundles up in his towel & demands through puppy eyes and sad faces that I hold him close and rock him. He then falls asleep and 10 minutes later when I put him down he has forgotten he has a bath. Yes, he is spoiled….what of it?
I was doing my daily reading of The Onion today and thought I saw a Mockable post there that either Jeff or Metten had written. I mean, seriously, the style of writing and the post itself was pure Mockable. Please read and enjoy and guys, if you wrote it, fess up!
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/al_qaeda_claims_responsibility_for
Now Playing on iPhone: ‘I Cut Like a Buffalo’ by The Dead Weather
I am a big fan of a groomer…I had a yellow lab, didn’t need much in the way of grooming but they would take them for like a spa day, wash them, massage, trim if needed, trim nails, clean ears etc etc. then feed them gourmet food, then walk them. for Real. She would even come home with a bandana on. all this for like 33 dollars. I did this as needed, or if she rolled in something nasty. Try that route, then someone else can do that crap. I hate washing dogs.
I am starting to hate all drivers. Old ones go to slow, and don’t seem to have the concept of left lanes. I really hate the driver that tails you within inches of your bumper, two lanes and not a soul in sight. Then you move, and they are lost, can’t speed up without a damn car to tailgate. Then, they slowly get behind you again and get on your ass. This is usually a woman.(no offense I am a girl, but I am an awesome driver). I have figured out these people can not drive without something ahead of them, sort of like a flock of geese following the head goose in the V formation.
I hate all drivers. yup, sure do.
And Jeff, haven’t you ever watched the Hi-Larity that is “Little People, Big World”? They HATE to be called midgets. I don’t think they enjoy stripper poles, either….
One more thing: I too hate drivers. My mother says she wants to make me a bumper sticker that says my catchphrase, which is “I hate people”. I swear, as a passenger or driver I say those words at least 15 times. God, I hate people. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me want to walk home.
I’ve been feeding my dog a salmon-based dog food, and I’ve decided it goes into the NEVER AGAIN file. After about a week, she starts to have an unusual funk about her, and her breath… oh god, her breath… it’s indescribable. No amount of canine breath freshener will take away the stench. I’ve tried. Repeatedly. But I refuse to get rid of the rest of the 40-lb. bag because she really seems to like it, and well, I paid good money.
Instead, she gets a bath a little more often than she normally would. I strip to my skivvies and take her in the shower enclosure with me. My prissy little bitch has an aversion to water and clings to the glass door as if preparing to be waterboarded. At least she stands still, though. I can barely even get her to shake afterward so I have to manually wring out her fur before toweling her off. Once I let her out of the bathroom, she rolls around on the carpet, rubbing her head on the floor and snorting for five minutes. And then I clean the shower and bathe myself.
Oh and in honor of JD Salinger:
“All morons hate it when you call them a moron.”
Find a dog groomer!
In a past life I had a schnauzer.
About every three months he’d be dropped off at the groomer.
He’d be returned trimmed, fresh smelling & powdered.
The only time I bathed him was if he scared a skunk in the yard & had been sprayed.
Then it was massive quantities of tomato juice for all.
I had the dog washing job. You couldn’t take your hands off him or else he would sprint out of the room and shake himself dry in the living room, then the kitchen then my bedroom in that order. It was impossible to stop him to because he was a sheep dog. Damn agile little buggers.
Hey Brynhildr, why do you wear your underwear when you shower your dog? You don’t want to let your dog see you naked?
Woo Hoo! Top 20
Swami – Contrary to popular opinion, there are some things you just don’t ask a lady and Brynhildr is 110% lady. Take my advice on this.
Melissa…I too need that sticker!! I am bumping heads with society, and let me tell you…f..k I am thinking it is me, but I really think it is my age.
on another dog story…I wandered into a petland with my son to look at puppies…I would never buy blah blah blah. This way we get our puppy fix and move on. None of the damn dogs has a sticker on the window, so I find some employee type person and ask”how much is that doggy in the window?” and she launches into a spiel about how it isn’t HOW much I am paying, It is HOW much I am getting…never got a price.
Then we are looking and cuddling with some little choc lab, and another employee surfaces and I get an answer from this one…900.00 dollars for a LAB. Promply handed expensive little mutt over and left. Those places, I swear what a joke. My point being the Beyotch of a lady who crabbed at me and my little question about their overpriced diseased animals.
society, I tell ya they are breeding the brains right the hell out of it.
Casey J – what you said about the “flock of geese” driving mentality – that has got to be my NUMBER ONE pet peeve when driving… what the hell? Why do SO MANY people do that? It has got to be some sort of brain dysfunction.
I have planned that bumper sticker out, too, but mine is a little longer: I Hate People. People are the worst. I may have stolen that from a episode of Seinfeld.
Jeff – that picture of the vertically-challenged stripper is HIGHLY disturbing, and on the facebook thumbnail, she looks like she could just be a little girl. Yikes!
I see that your all avoiding the question, so let me take up the standard.
Testicle removed and home for tea- ‘No fuckin’ way!’
Unless it was done under a local, which I would really doubt.
I had a few operations ‘south of the border’ last year and I couldn’t stand in a draught for about two weeks!
There. I don’t want to think/write about it anymore.
Its just too painfull.
‘Go pound sand.’
‘Go pound sand up your ass.’
Same thing…self explanatory really I would think.
Other than that I got nothin’.’
I like pie.
Good old urban Dictionary:buy pound sand mugs, tshirts and magnets”The origin of the expression go pound sand is from a longer expression, not to know (have enough sense to) pound sand down a rathole. Filling rat holes with sand is menial work, and telling someone to pound sand down a hole is like telling them to go fly a kite. The expression dates to at least 1912 and is common in the midwestern United States.”
My 12 year old English Springer is called Pagan(well Duh!) the amusing thing is he comes froma serious Kennel & his “show” name is: “Nanjay’s non Beleiver” He’s a freakin dog! of course he’s a non beleiver! seriously if you are a dog person check out Nanjay’s kennels these guys are just awesome!
I had a point but vodka made it go away;)
Oh right! whenI was 15 I was convinced I was Holden Caufield! now I’m just a drunk with a pretty wife and a fine dog! Well life could be worse!
Sorry guys just came off 5 days flying (some FAA idiot insists we do it sober!) F.Y.I. More marines in Port au Prince than Afghanistan and iraq combined!!
My two faves are:
“Go piss up a rope” and
“Go take a running fuck at a rolling donut”
“Go take a running fuck at a rolling donut”
Shouldnt that be:
‘Take an aeronautical intercourse at an oscillating pastry?’
Sorry…I’m REALLY fuckin bored.
Now Playing – Song for Wanda – Big Head Todd and the Monsters
Shiny Rod — thanks for your vote of confidence. I appreciate being a girl now and then. I do however feel compelled to answer Swami’s question.
Swami — I don’t like the dog to see me naked. She sits and stares, and I start thinking about reincarnation and what she was in her last life, and how much does she understand and what she’s thinking when she sees me in all my glory. I don’t even really like seeing myself naked. However, wearing my undergarments while bathing the dog has more to do with containment. The girls get unruly when I let them out.
I have an uncle who uses the phrase “Go kick rocks” because his new wife is a little on the “balls deep into Jesus” side of the political spectrum. I’m pretty sure he wants us to go have sexual relations with ourselves in a carnal manner, but can’t quite say it out loud without getting himself into the doghouse, so he just tells everyone to “go kick rocks”. As for the dog washing, when I was a kid we had a Golden Retriever who was deathly afraid of baths, and would take her 110 pound mass up against any and all doors trying to get out of the bathroom. She would run around for hours being chased with towels. New dog is the exact opposite. He will take baths regularly, and in the summer loves to jump in any body of water. Seriously, any body of water…koi ponds, swimming pools, farm ponds, where the neighbor had to have her septic tank taken out. Literally anywhere with water, he’s completely in. And Jeff, not to be a dick, but the Ipad doesn’t have phone capabilities. Just an unlimited data plan at half the cost of any other unlimited data plan from a major carrier.
I’m a true believer that symptoms can be passed to you by discussion.
Need proof? I defy you to think about head lice for five minutes without scratching your head.
That “pole dancer” was on the Cowhead Show (Tampa Radio) bout three months ago.
About twenty years ago, I got one of those inventors kits and proceeded to invent a home dog wash. It consisted of a plexiglass box, in three different sizes, that one could put the dog’s head through a hole, with a collar of course, and be hooked up to a garden hose. It had a soap dispenser, and rubber gloves attached to openings on the sides, to scrub up Rover. Then, flip the soap dispensing mechanism, which was hooked up to your garden hose, to rinse, and there you had it. A clean dog. Take the collar off, and he could shake around to his heart’s content to dry off, within the confines of the box.
I sent this to them, without patenting it, and they told me it was great, but I needed an investor to put up $5,000 to get the ball rolling on it. I did not know anyone with $5000, so I let it go. About a year later, I saw my dog washing box in a pet store catalog. Missed opportunity. I could be sitting in one of my seven mansions in Florida and cheating on my Norwegian wife right now, until she caught me and beat me with a gof club.
“I got more rhymes than JD’s got Salinger”- Beastie Boys.
(K)arla – I didn’t even make it to the end of your post without scratching my head.
Big Bear, I know the iPad isn’t a phone. I was trying to be funny. Go figure.
BTW, I was just informed that Haloscan will be shutting down in two weeks. They have three options for me: 1) do nothing and lose all of the old FrontPage comments 2) transition “seamlessly” to a pay service, and nothing much changes, or 3) grab a backup of all the old comments, and deal with it later.
I don’t want to lose the comments, that’s for sure. And what would I do with a backup? I mean, seriously. So, I guess I’ll go with option 2. It never stops… Thankfully, it’s not very expensive.
Stupid Haloscan… This is why everybody needs to be on WordPress (.org). Here, you own everything yourself, and aren’t relying on some unreliable third party service. Except for the plugins, of course. But let’s not get off the subject…
It’s way too early to be so agitated.
Haloscan is the devil!
Guess I’ll have to buy some more stuff on Amazon through your link to help offset the cost Jeff!
Brynhildr: Thank you for my laugh of the day. (“The girls get unruly when I let them out.)
Wow…lots to chat about today.
I absolutely dread the whole dog bath thing. I have two pugs that need bathing at least once a month because you continuously have to clean out the wrinkles on their little faces and ears. It’s not that they are hard to bath because that stay pretty still… It’s the goddamn HAIR and shedding afterwards. Good God! Hair everywhere. Even with using one of those special undercoat brushes…we’re walkin through clouds of it.
Drivers…HA! My boyfriend says I am the worst because I am so aggressive and impatient. THEN GTF OUT OF MY WAY! The aggrivation on the road gets worse from year to year. For instance….What’s the deal with riding brakes while going UP HILL?? Buehler? Buehler?… Or… some asshole who insists of being in front of you by cutting you off and then only going half the speed limit….AND….There is no such thing as “Yielding” in Pittsburgh either. Hell no! People will speed up just to keep someone from merging into traffic. And even if merging were allowed most people don’t know how to keep moving while doing so. So they just come to a complete stop, causing a clusterfuck behind them, waiting for the perfect time to move on in. GRRRR!
OK…I’m over it. I could go on and on but my ranting only makes the veins in my neck stand out.
Pound sand? We used to say “pound salt” instead. As in “Go pound salt up ur ass”. The last time I said that I was driving…imagine that.
Chuck: Hilarous!
Melissa, we must be related. I think “I hate people” will be on my tombstone.
I was wondering if anyone wasn’t going to get Jeff’s iPad joke. I though it was very funny when I read it (I chuckled aloud, in fact). It reminded me of the one funny joke by that otherwise unfunny comic Orny Adams in the documentary “Comedian,” where he’s talking about the earliest of cell-phones, and pulls one out that’s about two feet tall. (It’s a sight gag so my description doesn’t do it justice, but it is humorous, unlike the rest of the guy’s routine.)
I cant’ believe I’m writing this, but the “liitle person” stripper is named Cassie is actually a very cool person. I’ve met her at work and think she’s a riot. Watch Jerry Springer on Valentine’s Day for more Cassie. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
MINUS 3 degrees at my house this morning. I don’t care what anyone says thats fucking cold. 40 miles north of Pittsburgh.
Howard Zinn also died on Wednesday.
There was a movie on earlier today about a midget football team, anyone seen it and know what it is? I could probably figure it out but have so much other internet crap to catch up on.
NP: Radiohead – Amnesiac
t-storm-”but have so much other internet crap to catch up on.” Is that a fancy way of saying I’m so busy fucking off I don’t have time to fuck off? Also I’m sure you heard about Rey Malaluga(sp?)? Here we go again!
WB
Precisely.
There are about 16 fuck off sites I check daily not including facebook and wikipedia. And since I was in Cincy over the weekend I didn’t check said sites all week (I don’t read blogs at home, I get paid to do it here and I’m usually drunk or doin’ it).
And (sigh) I did hear about that. Here’s a question for you, was it right after the Bengals lost the playoffs last time that the team imploded? I think I see a pattern if so.
@ JDL
My favourite has to be ‘away and lie in your own pish!’.
Still no takers on the ‘testicle tale’ then?
-’Testicle Tales’ would be a great album title, I think.
I know it really doesn’t matter because I check here through the day, but I don’t get the email notice that a new post has been made until the next day. Is it just me? Is that what it is? Because I live in Appalachia? A small town in SE Ohio? You elitist FUCKS!!!
Give that man a cigar! t-storm you’re correct, from wiki
“During the 2006 offseason and season, nine different Bengals players were either arrested or suspended for their actions off the playing field. The sports media wrote extensively on the legal woes and character questions of some of the Bengals players. The media also commonly noted that the 2006 Bengals had more arrests than wins. The following is a list: [1]
Chris Henry: marijuana charges, charged with pulling a gun on a group in Orlando, speeding and drunken driving, charged with providing alcohol to minors, over the course of several months in 4 different incidents over that time.
Odell Thurman: suspended for the first four games of the 2006-2007 regular season due to a drug-test related suspension which Odell stated was due to him skipping a test, not failing one. He chalked it up to being immature. In addition to Thurmans’s drug-related suspension, he was also arrested for drunk driving early Monday morning after the Bengal’s victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers. Thurman is scheduled to be in court on Oct. 2, 2006.
Frostee Rucker: charged with two counts of spousal abuse and vandalism (the alleged incident occurred prior to Cincinnati drafting him)
A.J. Nicholson: charged with burglary; previously arrested twice on suspicion of alcohol-related offenses (the alleged incident occurred prior to Cincinnati drafting him)
Matthias Askew: subdued by a taser after refusing to move his allegedly illegally parked car (Askew was cut from the team during the preason games. He is currently seeking legal action against the officers responsible for his being tasered in a lawsuit worth $50 million after the charges were proven unfounded).
Eric Steinbach: charged with boating under the influence.
Reggie McNeal: charged with resisting arrest and drug possession (Dec. 3rd, 2006)
Deltha O’Neal: charged with driving while intoxicated following a traffic stop (Dec. 9, 2006). ”
I the E – You know I had a friend back in High School that lost one on a barb wire fence. Of course his nickname from then on was ‘One Nut’.
So tell the story…I’ll wait here.
Sorry about that all, that’s prolly more info than 99.9999% of you needed or wanted.
WB – It’s ok…after the Topic Dump it’s kinda a free-for-all until the next update.
Alright Ian, I shall take up your gauntlet.
Is it possible to remove “the left one” and send you home two hours later? The short answer is maybe.
The long answer is stil maybe, but only if the procedure was uncomplicated and done under a local anesthetic. I’m not a pyhsican, but it should be a less complicated porceudre than a vasectomy. It’s pretty much all demo, no reconstruction.
It the doc wasn’t worried that the cancer might spread if “the left one” wasn’t removed very carefully then I am willing to believe it.
My question is whether or not the guy in question recieved a prosthesis or does he now wander around locker rooms looking like he’s dangling a speedbag for a midget?
And now that we’re back to midgets it’s officially out of control and my work here is done.
Hmmm. Maybe my girlfriend’s soon to be ex husband can have a pair installed in that amount of time (Ballcrafters?). Not that I want him to grow a pair to man up to her, but they have a son and she’s already trying to gay up that kid. If he’s a giant balless bitch then that kid might as well apply for Seacrest’s job right now.
Just want to put this announcement out there:
I can make a custom bumper sticker for you, any size, any saying, any color, any quantity (yes, even just one!) I am a sign guy and I have the machine to make them.
I’m serious! Any takers?
@ bikerchick – Loved your comments! I too am an aggressive and impatient driver. Anything under 40 mph is just too slow! I have a 3 or 4 page long driving record that really shocks some court judges I’ve been in front of. My question is: Why do people need their brakes on the freeway at all? There’s no red lights! If everybody were planning ahead and driving like their suppose to, there would be no need to put on the brakes while on the freeway! Just look up ahead and ease off the gas pedal. No brakes!
“Ballcrafters” that’s priceless. I can see using this the next time someone acts like a pussy. “Dude man up and grow a pair or go to Ballcrafters and have them installed in under an hour and come back and see me”
I knew a guy in college named Bill whose parents came to visit during Parents Weekend, and the father got drunk at a fraternity party and told everyone within earshot that his son only had one nut. Henceforth the guy was known as “One-Ball Bill” or “One-Nut.”
Possibly my biggest time waster next to FB, TheWVSR, Wikipedia, and bustanutingrandmasbutt.org is this:
http://cnati.com/blogs/ctrent/
NP Weezer – Across the Sea.
Ok…Ian the Errolite…I’ll go just for you. I promised myself to no longer comment here for my words might only be viewed as a discarded item in the ladies room.
I lost one testical starting in 1982. It was slowly being dissolved by a Cancer and by 1983 it was gone. Actually…she was a Gemini. But she had her chart done and found out her moon was in Uranus and she could be both. Skitzoid bitch.
I lost my other testical after a brief procedure on April 2nd, 1987, resulting from an accident I can only blame on me. After a, “Are you sure you want to do this?”, I nodded go ahead. Ten minutes later I left the building and watched my newlywed dance on the side walk, giddy with laughter, clutching my remaining testical.
I am what is techicnally is known as, “Testicularly Hobbled”.
Two midgets walk into a joke. One says…”Are you sure we should be in here?”….other one says….”Yeah, this one’s short”.
…-d
A priest, a llama and a midget walk into a bar.
Bartender says, “What is this, some kind of a joke?”
Everyone who drives faster than you is crazy, everyone who is slower is an idiot
Guys, do a self-exam at least once a month in the tub or shower.
Roll your ball-sack around using two fingers. If you feel any lumps or a mass or unusual discomfort, get thee to a doctor ASAP. One “Brian’s Song” is one too many.
Today’s quote: “To keep the body in good health is a duty…otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.” (Buddha)
I like this one too: “Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” (Doug Larson)
I just want to make sure I have this straight; I’m easily confused, so feel free to correct.
Brynhildr takes a shower in her underwear and we shouldn’t ask why because she’s 110% woman according to shiny rod who, we infer, has determined she’s an XXX by examining her zygotes. There are no slow drivers here, and they would be happier if nobody else drove, which makes a certain amount of sense if you have the jack to pay all the highway taxes yourself. Howard Zinn dies and only one of the Ramones notices. Pagan has a beautiful wife and a beautiful dog or knows the lyrics to “Once in a Lifetime” or both. An unusually high percentage of reporters have had ballectomies, one involving a fence. Comments are immortal until Haloscan augers in; then they’re as valuable as used ipads from the ladies’ room. I’m going to be seeing Cassie on a pole for the next three days because I like to check for new comments during weekends. It’s cold near Pittsburgh in January. Stormy calls the WVSR a “timewaster” — fuck, I thought this site WAS Wikipedia. Johnny’s in the basement mixing up the medicine, I’m on the pavement thinking ’bout the government. Jimmy Kuhn, whever he is, still spurts. That about it?
jtb
TMBG, as usual, has a comment, and Flansburgh plays a mean fucking guitar…
s-e-X-X-Y
More than enough
Around the clock with nobody else
s-e-X-X-Y
.
Just sayin’…jtb
Gretchen,
Please come back and comment. I miss your prose and flows. I long for you tragically….. A.T. Tappman
Hey JTB,
saying ‘I miss your flows’ to a woman is taking longing to a new level!
I miss Gretchen too. Where did she go?
Uncle Buzz, you paint a pretty, but essential, picture.
DTO, thanks for the ‘tale’.
BTW I’m still shooting live rounds, just in case anybodys interested.
Ian,
It’s nice to have you back, flow or no flow. I’ve been humming that Gene Chandler song “Duke of Errol” ever since your company’s web filter shut you down:
Duke Duke Duke Duke of Errol
Duke Duke Duke of Errol
Duke Duke Duke of Errol
Duke Duke
As I drink from this barrel
Nothing can stop the Duke of Errol
And you, you are not sterile
And no fence can hurt you, oh no…
.
NIce to hear your written voice again….jtb
Dudes, I commented on Wednesday’s post (in fact I addressed some of it to you, JTB). Nothing was forthcoming from my brain to add to this week’s Topic Dump. Except for the fact that the lil’ pole dancer has been giving me nightmares on a Twin Peaks level….which I think has already been stated here by other Surf Reporters.
Gretchen,
Sorry I missed your last comment. Thanks very much. I get the results of a very long MRI (90 minutes without moving) on Monday. That should tell me whether I’m in for 1) more surgery and another year of recovery, 2) lots more physical therapy to make a 59-year old body work with all its moving parts or 3) work hardening, which isn’t as fun as it sounds, but will get me back in the workplace (assuming I can find a job) in something like six months. Since I haven’t worked for three years (nor had any other source of income) working actually sounds like a good idea.
Perhaps more information than you needed, but I appreciate your concern. Hope your own situation is as good as it can possibly be. Any further diagnosis? I certainly hope it’s a bunch of symptoms that mimic MS rather than the real thing. I wish you good luck and godspeed…jtb
I wonder if that pole dancer thinks she’s sexy, rather than creepy. I wonder if other midgets and dwarves actually do find her sexy. Or do they, too, think she’s creepy.
JTB: 90 minutes in an MRI. That would require some hard hard liquor for me to go through. So good luck with that and with whatever the docs decide to do to you. As for myself and the possible MS, I will be seeing a neurologist on Thursday. She will likely order many more tests before coming to a definitive diagnosis (or at least a diagnosis of what it isn’t). I’m probably soon looking at another MRI myself. And a spinal tap. Woo-hoo, can’t wait! Godspeed indeed, jtb.
Nothing personal, by the way, Ms. Stripper Midget. It’s not just you in particular who’s creepy. Any nearly-naked midget or dwarf in that pose would also be creepy. I’m sure you’re a very sexy babe with your clothes on.
Just finished watching the Patino-Huggins nailbiter. Lots of lead changes in the last 2 minutes. WVU comes from behind to beat Louisville, 77-74! Boy, I sure didn’t think that would happen. WVU is now 17-3, 6-2 in conference. Let’s Gooooo, Mounties!
i love me some huggins!
np – the sound of a guy trying to de-ice his car with hotwater by some douchebag
My favorite Huggins moment: Back when I was living in Cincy and he was still the coach of the Bearcats, one of the local sportscasters caught up to him after a particular terrible loss and asked him his thoughts. In typical Eeyore fashion Huggins replied, “It couldn’t have been any worse if I got out there and played.” Classic!
And here’s everyone’s Further Evidence Link of the day:
http://selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com/
Oh Magnum, I can’t believe you turned 65 yesterday!
For dog washing, I had a lab/sheppard(maybe hint of Great Dane) cross who loved swimming. I know your not supposed to do this for environment type reasons, but I would throw his stick in the water then give him a shampoo and keep throwing his stick in until was rinsed. Then I would douse him with a fruity smelling leave in conditioner. I think it embarassed him around other dogs.
Oh – and for different sayings ‘fill your boots’ is one I hear now and again – as in ‘whatever makes you happy’. Why not just say ‘whatever makes you happy’?
More sayings?
‘Blow your skirt up.’
‘That will knock your hat in the creek.’
Gretchen – That is one if the funniest things I have ever seen.
gretchen,
you lived in cincy? are you a redhead?
White Trash Barbie: My fav is the Steak Sandwich.
t-storm: I lived near Cincy and no, I’m a blonde.
aw gretch. you just broke my little angie bono heart.
Gretchen, I think the meatloaf is my favorite. The best thing though will be forwarding the link to my paralegal on Monday. He is a complete homophobe with a total man-crush on Tom Selleck. It is a regular topic of hazing.
Whit Trash Barbie: For some reason there seem to be a lot of homophobes with man-crushes on Tom. Go figure.
t-storm: Whatsa matter, not enough naughty redheaded stepchildren in your life?
no, in fact i don’t think there’s been any. hard up
np – silver jews – i’m gonna love the hell out of you
i detect a disturbance in the force.
geezum crow – is this now a late night chat circle?
N.O.–
Don’t see how it could be a late night anything. I just woke up. It will be late night (mid-AM for Ian) in about five hours. It will only be midnight here, which doesn’t constitute “late night” in my book. The Earth is a sphere and rotates on its axis relative to the sun (and to distant stars) once every sleep cycle for you, .8 times for every sleep cycle for me. One of my many “problems”. See you on the other side.
fondest regards,
jtb
Chuck,
Good to know age cannot wither, nor custom stale the infinite variety of your Force Detector. Keep that baby oiled and it will give you years of service, but I guess you already know that.
slightly fonder regards,
jtb
JTB -thanks for the tip. I live at PST, so still time to chat.
Fondest back at ya.
N.O. –
Understand I wasn’t trying to explain planetary physics, which you know, perhaps better than I do. Just crying out to howl at the moon about my fucked up sleep cycle. Threw in the solar system at no additional cost. Or two monthly payments of nothing whatsoever.
So it goes…jtb
Damn, Jeff,
I was in the hospital and missed the death of the second five-year light bulb. I was just perusing the home page and saw that #2 bit it whilst I was abed. I hope there was proper circumstance and burial in the back yard. It’s hard to believe that here, in America, a duly incorporated business entity could sell a product called “Five Year Lightbulbs” that would kick off in less than that time. I have now lost some faith and am beginning to worry about my sugar-sweetened cereal, which General Oats says adds muscle but no weight whatsoever. Thank God the Supremes have recently decided that Corporations, being a person and all, can now buy people running for political office without restriction. If their products aren’t worth shit, at least said corporations can survive by the largesse of our tax dollars at work and play. Fran L., from New York said, “In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.” Yup.
jtb
Hey guys, it’s me ( regular Jason). I couldn’t find the link to my picture because I’m on my iTouch thingy. I wish Gretchen and JTB the very best with regards to their health. Gretchen, I have an Aunt with MS and they’ve really made great leaps in treatment in recent years.
We’re going to have a baby boy tomorrow (Sunday) so we’re both excited and nervous about that. My poor wife is beyond ready.
Midgets are always so muscular, aren’t they? I can’t say that I find midgets sexy but there was this girl in my high school who was just North of four feet tall and she was stunningly beautiful in my view.
There’s a local coin operated car wash that has a “dog wash” on the end. It’s enclosed with glass walls and has a table of sorts in it. I’ve never watched anyone use it but I assume there’s a place to tie the leash off to the wall so the poor beast can be squirted with soapy water, regular water, and maybe a spot free finish. We haven’t any pets at the moment or I’d give it a try.
The little boy is our third child. I have two daughters (3.5 & 1.5) so I’m glad to have put a stem on this one. His first and middle names are Jason Henry, respectively.
I’m going to bed now. Hope everyone has a great week ahead of them!
Jason aka T. Farty McAppleass
All the best to you and your family Jason. And to Farty- I am so hot for u.
Congrats, Jason. Hope everything goes well today.
Congratulations, Jason! I hope all goes smoothly today for your wife and new son!
Congrats, Jason! We’re all rootin’ for ya! Best of luck to Junior and the Missus!
Jeff…Please, TAKE THAT PICTURE DOWN! I had midget nightmares last night that my wife shrank but still had the same sized head. Friggin creeeeeepy!
Not that it matters now, but I took a look at the JD Salinger envelope and noticed the “sorry, returned unopened stamp”. That means he had no idea it was an autograph request. I wonder if you had written your letter to Salinger on the outside of the envelope telling asking him to either A: Sign the enevlope without opening it prior to returning it or B: sign the envelope and then place it in the enclosed self addressed stamped envelope.
Think it would have worked?
I want that pole dancer. I have always wanted to screw a dwarf.
Not a midget whose features are all in disarray.
But, a dwarf whose features are proportionate to height. You know just a miniature person.
She looks nice.
OMG Tim. More friggin nightmares. Thanks dude.
ok surf reporters, you know those little mini mandarins? I just ate about 12,000. You may never hear from me again.
Of course, It won’t because of scurvy.
Jason: Congratulations on you new bundle of joy. I wish you good luck and good health. I was wondering though…..since you and your wife will undoubtedly need some time to yourselves at some point..does T. Farty babysit?
Gretchen,
Six keys to surviving an MRI if, like me, you have a touch of claustrophobia…
1) Get a script from your doc for 10mg of Xanax (Alprazalom). They come in .25 and .5mg strengths usually.
2) Make an appointment at an OPEN MRI facility. Every city has one. No tube and open on all four sides, but you’ll want to request a mask anyway because you’ll be looking up at 2 tons of metal. Have them blow a fan at you, and bring your favorite CD. Most open MRI facilities have a player.
3) Have your husband lined up to drive you to the appointment.
4) Start taking the Xanax 2-3 hours before the appointment, and take one every half hour or so (depending on the strength of the tablet).
5) Float into the MRI place with the help of hubby. The nice staff will take care of the rest.
6) If possible, get enough Xanax so you can do a “dry run” a couple of days before the procedure. I require about 4mg, but most people need less. Your mileage may vary.
.
Your doc might tell you Xanax is habituating. Yeah, if you take it every day for six months. Most docs will be happy to script it for air travel or other traumatic events like weddings or MRIs.
Hope this helps. I’d avoid the hard liquor. Alcohol is a CNS depressant, but a neurotransmitter stimulant. You’d just end up a frightened drunk in the MRI device.
Best wishes and best of luck with the doc on Thursday.
jtb
Thanks JTB. I actually did get a prescription to Xanax after that last MRI. However, I haven’t had the balls to try it yet as I tend to have unpleasant reactions to drugs. I used to have Ativan to get through the holidays, but it made me suicidal and homicidal. I have no idea what the Xanax will do. Will have to do a dry run, as you said. By the way, there is no open MRI close by to where I live.
Tim: You’ve got it backwards. It’s midgets who are miniature people. It’s dwarves who have regular-size heads and regular-size torsos, but tiny little arms and legs.
Though, after some Wikipedia consultation, I realize neither of us is completely correct, Tim. Apparently there are two kinds of dwarfism:
“Disproportionate dwarfism is characterized by one or more body parts being relatively large or small in comparison to those of a normal adult, with growth abnormalities in specific areas being apparent. In cases of proportionate dwarfism, the body appears normally proportioned, but is clearly abnormally small.”
Gretchen,
Xanax is a pretty subtle med. I’ve never heard of anyone having a negative reaction to it. It’s not time-release, so you can break one in half if you want to test the homocidal potential of you or the med.
I would drive (or be driven) quite a distance to avoid the tube. If it’s like a hundred miles for you, then that’s probably too far. Actually, with Xanax (or a prior generation med, like valium) you’ll probably do OK in the tube. Somehow you seem less neurotic than me. I actually flunked my first open MRI because I was shaking. I accidentally took an underdose. Since then, nary a wiggle. I generally play They Might Be Giants because they cram a lot of minutes on their CDs, and because they’re fun and really good. Of course, tastes vary.
jtb
JTB: How exactly does one stay still during “Ana Ng”?
Gretchen: The same way one stays still during “Don’t Let’s Start.” Let your neurons dance, but ask your muscles to sit this one out. Frankly, my biggest problem is “New York City” which, perhaps interestingly, was written by an all-female band from Vancouver BC called Cub. John and John do it better than Cub. They heard it on the radio while traveling through Washington and pulled over and transcribed the lyrics. They didn’t get them quite right, placing Bob Dylan’s residence in the Empire State Building, but they came close. Anyway, in the MRI you can’t fall asleep without messing up the image, so Montavani and Hall and Oats are out.
jtb