Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 432
Toney was at Wal-Mart a few days ago, and said two women wearing t-shirts the size of the infield tarp at Wrigley Field were going around scanning items, and adding them to a wedding registry. …Yes, at Wal-Mart.
And you know how you get behind a person in a store, and keep seeing them the whole time? Even after you attempt evasive action, to try to break the pattern? Well, that’s what happened to Toney.
She said the portly pair selected several “sort of understandable” items, but twice she called me laughing and almost hyperventilating.
The first time was when they scanned one of those sponge-on-a-stick deals some people use while washing dishes. You know, so you can get the milk out of the bottom of the glass? And how much money would one of those set a person back? A dollar? Two? The woman put it on her wedding registry!
But the second was even better…
Toney swears it’s true, and I believe her. She said the dumplin’ duo scanned a 12-count box of Wal-Mart brand ice cream sandwiches.
Now, I can almost understand presenting a couple with a box of ice cream sandwiches as a wedding gift, but shouldn’t the newlyweds set their sites a little higher, and go for the Blue Bunny brand, at least? I mean, you only get married for the third time once.
But who knows? Maybe they were afraid people might accuse them of putting on airs, and thinking they’re uptown? Hey, I’m sure they know their guests better than I do…
We’re finally dumping our local monopoly of a phone company. Longtime readers know we’ve been toying with the idea for several years, but didn’t really like the thought of using cell phones only. It just didn’t feel right to us…
However, the company we’re forced to use has no direct competition, with the kind of prices you’d expect in such a situation. Even with our service stripped down to the bare minimum (no caller ID, no voicemail, no nothing), it’s still costing us more than fifty dollars per month. It’s a HUGE rip-off.
So we’re going to try Vonage. Our equipment arrived yesterday, and we’re going to hook it up today. For less than half of what we’re paying the local company, we’ll have unlimited calling and every bell and whistle known to man.
The only downside? We’re going to have to change our number. The aforementioned monopoly somehow controls all the telephone numbers in our town, and won’t allow them to be used with other services. You think I’m joking? Oh, you’d be mistaken on that count.
So we’re going to have to go with a number associated with some town I’ve never heard of, or visited. I don’t even know… Harelip Township? Mongoloid Ridge? I’m unclear.
In fact, I might be mistaken about this, but I don’t think our new number is even numbers, completely… I believe it’s something like 4!3-2@*6.
But it’ll be worth it. What do I care if our phone number is 4-exclamation mark-three-two-at symbol-asterisk-six? That’s cool with me.
Any opinions on Vonage? Are we making a mistake?
I heard a news report a few days ago about swine flu, and they said one of the best ways to avoid catching it is to never touch your face. I laughed, and thought, “Who goes around touching their face all the time?”
But now that I’m aware of it, I’m starting to realize that I’m apparently a serial face-toucher, myself. Who knew? I’m constantly catching myself scratching, poking, flicking, and stroking…
Try it sometime, and you might be surprised. Try to go for fifteen minutes without touching anything on your face. Am I the weird one, or do you also find yourself messing around with face stuff more than you realized? I might have to strap my arms down.
Joe T. sent me a scan of a baseball card this morning that made me chuckle, in a Beavis manner. Take a look at it here, along with two others I added from the same “team.”
Who else can we include in our little hall of fame? Help me out, won’t you? ‘Cause my mind isn’t working properly, on account of the drip, drip, drip of dumbness.
And do you want to see something inexplicably sad? Well, check this out. Shane got his teeth fixed! I can’t believe it. For some unknown reason this throws my whole universe out of kilter. Shane MacGowan with perfect (albeit grayish) teef? I’m not sure I’ll be able to function in such a world…
And I like the sound of this place. Have any of you visited it? I think I need to make a pilgrimage in the near future.
The light bulb in my Miller High Life lamp burned out a few days ago, so I added them to the grocery list hanging on the fridge. And I wrote “none of those stoopid Dairy Queen cone bulbs either, please” beside it, just to be sure. I can’t have anything “green” in the Surf Report bunker. I mean, seriously.
So Toney bought regular bulbs from Wal-Mart, but they’re 67 watts. Have you ever heard of such a thing? 67?? I don’t get it, but have a bad feeling. It’s something feel-good, isn’t it?
Dammit! Why can’t they just leave me alone? At least while I’m inside this tiny room?
And from the Stealing Clive Bull‘s Topics desk… What are some of the best biographies or autobiographies you’ve read? Three jump immediately to my mind: this one, this one, and this one. All were excellent, and stick with me through the years. Especially the Raymond Chandler, for some reason…
Do you have anything on this subject? Tell us about it in the comments.
And speaking of Clive, one of his callers said she graduated from some school (I’m unclear) in the 1950s, and the headmistress gave all the girls some “advice for life.”
1. Don’t go near Piccadilly Circus
2. Never drink pink gin
3. Never touch a man on the back of his neck
WTF? What kind of advice for life would you offer someone graduating from high school today? Use the comments section below.
And I think that’s enough for one day…
I hope you guys have a great weekend, and all that stuff. I might post a “special report” before Monday, but probably not. I can’t imagine it happening two weeks in a row, but stranger things have happened (I’m told).
See you next time.
Filed under: Daily
Yeah!
2nd!
3rd, maybe!
Three, WTF!!!
Toppish tennish.
Why Shane….WHY??? those teeth look faker than pron star boobies!
67-wat light bulbs? The eff? Halfway between 60 and 75….is there a need for such things?
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!
Oh, and the Further Evidence link today had me, the lover of all things odd, scratching my giant noggin. And then? I found out she’s German, and the stars aligned once more.
they’rea little nuts, those Deutch.
Top Ten!
“dumplin’ duo” – That is rich, I am so ROTFLMAO
Face-touching is also a marker for lying, so when I’m in a meeting and get asked a question I give my answer while repeating in my head “don’t touch face, don’t touch face, don’t touch face.” It must be working ok, I’ve been here 5 years now.
As for the home phone situation, we have to have a landline to get AT&T Uverse, so I got the cheapest one possible and it still creeps up in cost each month. I think we started at like $15 and seven months later it’s $25. Grumble. However no one calls on that line that matters, so when it rings I just aim a smirk in the phone’s direction and keep on jackin’ it.
tiff – I just happen to have grown up in a German/Italian side of town in Jersey. I enjoy my Germanic influence. Ok, I am a nut, what of it? But she was a bit hairy…
….and there it is!
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Shane actually looks worse than before. Are those fake choppers used or something?
Been to McGillin’s a number of times. Definitely worth a visit next time you visit Fleffya, as the locals pronounce it.
advice for recent graduates:
No matter how far you excel in life or how high a position you reach, you’ll always have someone higher up who is an absolute idiot.
Cable, 6 gig internet, and landline are all bundled from Suddenlink Cable. I couldn’t be happier with the service. The phone service has all the features, and the modem has an 8 hour battery to keep the phone up and running in case the power goes out. It’s cheap, and it works. No more Verizon, EVER!
I used Vonage for years, and it was great except the sevice goes down when your internet flakes out. The only reason I switched was my internet provider (Charter cable) offered a competing service that keeps working even if the internet side takes a dump.
I just read a biography on Nigella Lawson. It was oddly reverant in the beginning, then turned to the snark side towards the end.
Also, I would like to note that after slamming Mr. Strangeart yesterday for not helping out enough around the house-I came home to folded (folded!) clean laundry, an unloaded dishwasher, and emptied trash cans. I almost had a heart attack. I didn’t think he knew about this site, but perhaps I was wrong…
Toney deserves a gold star for her reporting on the Walmarts couple. My coworkers thought I finally snapped!
Dick Pole…He’s Cincy’s pitching coach…I think I should spring for the 49.95 and have him mocked!
150-year old bar, hell yeah I’m in!
67-watt light bulb uses 10% less energy than a 75-watt bulb, so it sounds good to the greenies out there. At least it’s not from DQ those suck ass.
Currently I am trying to finish First Man: The life and times of Neil Armstrong. I bought it when it came out 4 years ago but never made it past the first chapter, then with all the commotion about the 40th anniversary and a plane ride to California I decided to take it. It’s not bad but gets a little technical at times, but I think it’s the only such book I’ve ever read. I’m more of a fiction man myself.
Sorry for the long post, just thought I’d get it all out of the way.
Did you know: Neil Armstrongs hometown is less than 20 minutes from me?
I pod is at home sorry.
dang, I was late today
I tried to steady myself before looking at the baseball cards but I can’t control my immaturity. I laughed my ass off. Thanks for another great week Jeff!
@junkfood- “I just aim a smirk in the phone’s direction and keep on jackin’ it.” Simply Excellent!!!
The bearded lady’s first picture looks like EXACTLY like Bobcat Goldthwait (sp?) Freaky….seriously freaky.
Oh and I was touching my face with both hands when I read that paragraph, including a finger in the mouth… thanks…one more thing to be self conscious about.
Strangeart, they always find out, always.
No seniors advice, they won’t fucking listen anyway.
Time to mow the sand in my front yard. We’re in a drought, y’know.
Oh nooooo!!
John Hughes is dead. One of my heroes…
I love biographies and I tend to lean towards non-fiction. One of the best ones I’ve read in the last couple of years was “Titan: The Life of John D. Rockefeller, Sr”. I thought it was just fascinating.
I’m constantly fondling my face when I’m alone but I never do it when I’m with someone else. I’ve trained myself, yall.
Advice for current graduates (females):
1. Stop piercing yourselves. One more hole in your face and you’ll look like a fucking colander.
2. Stop with the low cut jeans, high cut shirt combo. You’re usually a little chubby and the band of flesh that’s exposed looks absurd. You look like a can of biscuits that’s popped open.
3. Seek out Jason and ask him to have sex with you at once.
1
These two articles changed my life:
http://www.tgfa.org/fiction/MyPenis.htm
http://www.tgfa.org/fiction/MyVagina.htm
RIP John.
Further Evidence reminded of my supervisor back in grad school. She was German and moved here in the early 80’s when most German women didn’t shave (legs, pits, etc.). She, who for the purposes of this story I’ll simply call Der Gnome (and yes Brynhildr I am aware gender is wrong), steadfastly clung to her German heritage decrying shaving as unnatural and North Americans as too uptight.
We always had fun seeing people react when they noticed, especially new students and faculty: We’d have a general lab meeting which Der Gnome, would attend wearing a sleeveless summer dress and we’d would intently watch the noob’s reaction when they noticed the unshaved legs. Then she would lean back and put her arms behind her head revealing thick bushy armpits. This is the usual reaction: http://www.pastthemoon.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/Sour-Face.jpg
A couple of years ago she got divorced and went home to visit her family. Much to everyone’s relief Der Gnome’s sister pulled her aside and explained that times had changed and Germans had discovered the razor.
Jason – Stop man you killing me, I can’t take it
Hughes was a freaking genius when he wrote for National Lampoon and he directed/wrote/produced some of the most endearing movies of all time. He was only 59. Fuck, this is sad.
Oh…advice,
1) Don’t be afraid to save a little money.
2) Don’t rack up credit card debt, if you can’t afford it wait till you can.
3) If college is not your thing, learn a trade, at least you will have a tangible skill.
But as AWG so wisely stated, “they won’t fucking listen anway.” Also kudos AWG I did not realize until this week that you were the author of the Gargoyle letters, simply genius!
My advice for high school graduates:
If you’re planning on attending and graduating from college, do not “take a semester off”.
One semester off turned into 11 years for me
@ NDfaninAZ – I won’t even go into how long it took me to go back to college except that I will finish next year and then it’s back at it for the masters.
Oh, and I totally agree with WB in OH – don’t rack up credit card debt.
Wish I had taken my own advice when I was young and dumb…
@ Shiny Rod
Five years at IU. Eleven year break. Changed majors. Five years at ASU. I’ll finally get my bachelor’s in December.
Starting a master’s program in January. I’m afraid to take another “break”.
I just picked up a free 57 watt light bulb. I guess it’s supposed to save me thousands of dollars. I guess California is switching to them.
I hate CFLs. but I received a free one of those, too. Put it in my back patio light. It is VERY bright….I kinda like it. damn.
Every time I go near Piccadilly Circus, WITHOUT FAIL, some bitch touches the back of my neck which creeps me the fuck out! So I end up pretending like I am into her and get her fucking hammered on pink gin until she’s so drunk she won’t scream when I strangle her with her own intestines…. but that’s just me.
Three words: nine-one-one
From their web site: “Vonage 911 Dialing service operates differently than traditional 911, and because your safety is important to us, you’ll just have to fill out a short form during the sign up process that tells us the street address where you will be using your Vonage service.”
http://www.vonage.com/911/
@ NDfaninAZ – I was at IU 76-77, I was part of IU Soul Revue Band back then as a member of the soundcrew. I was taking Business Communications. I then attended IUPUI for Electrical Engineering and the IVY Tech for Computer Science. Now I’m finishing on my BSIS degree at Strayer.
WB in Ohio- thanks- I beleive you may be a fucking genius yourself, according to your posts.
I am so goddamn far behind….in response to yesterday’s post…..JCIII, I can relate, dude, my wife, who cooks TWO fucking times a year (I cook the other 363 days) can go to Publix and spend 50 dollah on one goddamn meal and make the kitchen look like a hurricane hit it. Of course, I clean that shit up, since SHE made the meal. Clean as you go, is my motto, and has always been. I do all the cooking in my house (except for two days) and the cleaning ratio is 75 percent me and 20 percent wife. The kids pick up the other five percent.. Being 48 and having a 31 year old wife kind of lets it all slide. When she reaches her sexual prime at 35, I am fully prepared for the heart attack that ends my uphill struggle of a life. It’s all OK though. The life insurance will take care of them all and leave my legacy.
Did I mention that Green Day fucking rocked?!!! Go see this show if it’s in your areas, Surf reporters!
I can’t believe I spelled “believe” “beleive”. The fact that I am actually home right now and not working one of my three jobs is making me delirious. I may go all Dexter on someone any day now. Fucking economy!
@ Shiny Rod
Ok, you have me beat by about 10 years. I started at IU in 87.
Started as an accounting major. Switched to Supply Chain Management at ASU. Planning on getting my master of administration in public management from NAU (distance learning).
Best part? Other than the first 2 years at IU, I’ve funded my own education with no student loans
RIP John Hughes. Damn, and I thought he might me able to squeeze out another Vacation movie that might actually be worth a damn.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,537696,00.html
Thanks AWG.
Since I have already admitted to the fact that I’m not cool, I will admit that John Hughes sounded familiar but I had to look him up. Holy Shit, what a fucking loss. At forty two years old this man practically raised me during my most formative years. I mean really what kind of man would I have turned out to be without hearing the line…no more yankee my wankee donger needs food or smokem’ up Johnny! RIP John Hughes
Does anyone know anything fun to do in Pittsfield, IL? I’m going to be stranded there for a couple days. PLEASE TELL ME THERE’S A BAR IN A CORNFIELD SOMEWHERE!
Clark: Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where’s the Tylenol?
Clark: Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
Aunt Bethany: Is Rusty still in the navy?
Clark: I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun we’ll need plastic surgeory to remove our godamn smiles. You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of you’re assholes! I gotta be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!
Rusty Griswold: [Grab's Clars shoulder] Dad, you wan an Asprin?
Clark: DON’T TOUCH!
Ellen Griswold: I honestly don’t think we’re going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark: Jesus, it’s only the biggest God-damn hole in the world.
Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!
Clark: Make that the second biggest.
Forget obscene names, how about obscene cards?
First, there’s Billy Martin from 1972 flipping the bird down the handle of the baseball bat (there has to be a better image of this on the internet somewhere):
http://espn.go.com/photo/2006/1127/061127_martin_195.jpg
Then there’s this one, in which supposedly teammates of Billy Ripken played a little joke on him:
http://media.cnbc.com/i/CNBC/Sections/News_And_Analysis/__Story_Inserts/graphics/__SPORTS/__A-M/billy_ripken_card.jpg
Adam, never been there but did a little google search and you may be safe.
http://www.superpages.com/bp/Pittsfield-IL/Lindsays-Tavern-L0099736217.htm?SRC=amertowniyp&lbp=1
john hughes died. don’t you forget about him.
Pete LaCock is touching his face.
John Hughes is dead?
Jesus Fucking Christ.
Who’s next, Queen Elizibeth? This is getting absurd.
DO SOMETHING MR. PRESIDENT! DO SOMETHING!
I heard Steven Tyler was so upset John Hughes died, he fell off the stage.
What I want to know is where Shane got such straight and eerily white teeth from. Oh, Spain apparently.
I don’t own any of Apple’s crap. No Bose or Monster cable either. Overmarketed dross them all.
That’s a damned shame. I’m going to miss John Hughes a lot more than I’ll miss The Gloved One. I grew up reading NatLamp in the 1970s, which explains a few things.
The biography of Dr Sess and Mr Geisel is full of awesome.
urg. Dr. Seuss! and here:
http://www.amazon.com/Dr-Seuss-Mr-Geisel-Biography/dp/030680736X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249602415&sr=1-1
@Angry White Guy, I had to ask Jeff who you were yesterday after he sent out your homeowners association letters I laughed my ass off. After I found out who it was I wasn the least bit surprised. Way to stand your ground.
By the way are there any rees left in Boone?
David McCullough’s biography of John Adams is excellent. I read it years ago and couldn’t put it down.
http://www.amazon.com/John-Adams/dp/B000FC0QHA/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1249603086&sr=8-2
I was visiting Pittsfeild recently to celebrate “pig day” when my fiancee molly & I stopped in at the local watering hole for a couple of pink gins (straight gin with a dash of angostura bitters I kid you not!) before heading off to Wallmart’s grocery isle to register for our upcoming nuptuals!” Did you hear shane Mc Gowan is Steve Coogan’s twin brother?” my beloved asked? when suddenly she was called to the telephone(a midget bellboy running through the bar yelling “Vonage call for Ms Ringwald”) “Oh my god she said to me John Hughes is as dead as my career!” Don’t worry my darling said I I’ll buy you an ice cream bar! and if you are a really good girl a baseball card with a rude name on it! “you spoil me” she said as she touched her pouty lips for the thousand damned time!
“Fake” by Kenneth Walton – the autobiographical account of a guy who started selling questionable art on ebay, with unintended but inevitable consequences.
It’s a great read.
http://www.amazon.com/Fake-Forgery-Lies-Kenneth-Walton/dp/1416948058/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249604389&sr=1-9
Pete LaCock was no dick. I got his autograph at the “Vet” when he played for the Chicago Cubs. BTW, LaCock’s father is Peter Marshall from “Hollywood Squares.” It would’ve been priceless to hear Paul Lynde say “LaCock.”
Re further evidence: who knew: Jesus was a chick!
I love when Jeff goes off his meds! This update is the caliber I have come to expect from the man whose hat I proudly sport on the Loveland-Madeira Trail, and which is becoming my fishing hat. I’m old-school on the Smoking Fish, but respect Evil Twins attempts at childlike scrawl.
The Reds actually won last night. A beautiful girl bought me a beer in a Pub. Guys were buying her rounds, and I offered to be her DH. Wild nights, Wild NIghts, so said Ms. Dickinson *snicker*.
Greg
You CAN keep your old number.
http://www.fcc.gov/cgb/consumerfacts/numbport.html
Don’t forget Albert Pujols. (poo-holes)
Jon Coutlangus played for the Reds.
Johnny Dickshot -old timer
Dirty Basketball name: Gregor Fucka
Dirty Football names: Harry Colon
De’Cody Fagg (not that there’s anything wrong with that)
Racing: Dick Trickle
@ WV Hillbilly – I was out to lunch yesterday with my husband and a couple came in and sat at an adjacent table. Both were wearing Pujols jerseys. I almost couldn’t finish my meal because I thought that was so disgusting. Plus the couple was really unfortunate looking and that didn’t help.
Jeff, as usual, you made my day. I hadn’t seen that Dick Pole baseball card since I was a yungun. Had a flashback of my buddy and I digging thru my older brother’s baseball cards one bored afternoon in 5th or 6th grade and laughing until we almost lost consciousness. Another gem we found that day was a Red Sox player named Dick Drago… We assumed we’d never heard of him before because, while he could hit, he would always trip on the way to first…
Well, Hello Surf Reporters…
It’s 2 in the mo’ning & I’m listening to Cypress Hill/Snoop Dog, heavy into hands of poker and looking into the bottom of empty Miller High Life bottles.
work in 7 hours is inevitable
hello surf reporters. I’m sitting at a henry hudson’s in okc drinking shitty beer and gin and tonics getting ready to drive to stl to see Wussy tomorrow (the girl is driving).
Well, Hello Surf Reporters…
I am sitting here working on a midterm for one of my classes. I have not had anything to drink to night. Instead, I am thinking about a very special person in my life. Besides today is pay day and I am going to finish this damn midterm and start on this bottle of Glenlivet 15 I have waiting. Or maybe not, who knows…
work in 5 hours is debatable, but I got it like that. It’s good to be me, don’t let it suck to be you. Peace out my friends.
angry white guy…
dude… nothing says “awesome” more than having a sex-related death!
I’m seriously considering putting in black lights throughout my house.
RIP John Hughes..
AWG: I’m robbing the proverbial cradle too! I am 46, but the boyfriend is 30….. Guess that makes me a Cougar! So be it. Life is gooood! Here’s your good news…Your wife may hit her sexual prime at 35, but I am here to tell you…it doesn’t end there! Giddy up!
Garrett: BRAVO!!
Shiney Rod: Steven Tyler’s “living it up as he’s going down….”
As for advice:
1. Make sure you make your own money so you don’t have to rely on anyone else.
2. Have your own friends. When relationships go bad, his/her friends before the relationship with stick with him/her….no matter the situation.
3. You are responsible for your own actions.
4. Never shit on anyone on the way up the ladder as you may pass them on the way back down.
I’ve been a huge fan of the “cougar” since my first one:
1) I was 17, she was 24.
2) me 27, her 36
3) me 36, her 41
3b) Reverse: me 37, her 24.
4) Now: me 38, her 41
Of course, 3b ended up a disaster. I just can’t deal with all the game playing bullshit that comes with an *untrained* companion.
They always get me with the whole “robbing the cradle,” and “caught me a young buck” stuff, when I’m the one clearly benefiting.
The only downside is that most of these cougar-types will come with baggage, but I like kids – being one myself.
My hat’s off to you, bikerchick.
Oh, and the first one (me 17 and her 24)? I met her in high school. I’ll let you figure that one out.
@Garrett…Let me guess, does the song have the lyrics, “man I think the clock is slow” and “I dropped my pencil”. Also excellent quotes earlier!
@Bikerchick…#4 is damn good!
@SR…Just finished a bottle of Glenlivet 15 french reserve, most excellent. Time to start saving my nickles and dimes for the next one!
@ bikerchick – Cougars are my favorite sport, I love a challenge. Ah, just joking, I’ve hung up my cougar hunting license. I like my peace and privacy most days now.
Re: the bearded woman on Further Evidence – my husband filmed an interview with her (he works for a German magazine) and said she’s a pretty cool person. She’d tried electrolysis and all that and the beard kept growing back, so she finally said fuck it.
My advice for high school graduates:
If 10-15 years down the road senior prom remains the highlight of your life, you may want to rethink your life.
@ WB in OH – I need to pick up a bottle of the 30 today, I love Glenlivet. But Glenfiddich is a bit more superior in my opinion. I like the taste of the single malts over the blended. But JW Red is good to if your hitting the budget strings.
@ Garrett – Hot for the teacher, oh you’ve been a bad boy. Your gonna have to stay after school and clean the chalkboard.
@SR…I would agree with you about the Glenfiddich, usually do Dewars when I need scotch fix but don’t want to part with $$$. Let me know about the 30, I feel a road trip to http://www.thepartysource.com/ is in my near future, this place has it all as I’m sure some of the cincy area boy’s would attest to.
Good guess, WB.
I’m in a funk today. All the radio stations are talking about “No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food,” and the like.
I’m at work and every time an oriental passes me, I hear a GONG! It’s getting ridiculous.
—————
Ginny: No Sam, I think you’re just acting selfish and immature.
Samantha: Oh yes that’s it. That’s exactly it.
Ginny: [to herself] I can’t believe it. You make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you.
The Geek: Where the hell am I?
Caroline: I’ll, uh, tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.
The Geek: I’m Farmer Ted.
Caroline: You’re in the parking lot in front of my church.
The Geek: You own a church?
[on the phone to the police]
Howard: What was he wearing? Well, uh, let’s see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes… No, he’s not retarded.
Grandpa Fred: Hey Howard, there’s your Chinaman.
Howard: Thanks Fred.
Long Duk Dong: Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.
Mike Baker: It’s a quiche.
Long Duk Dong: How do you spell?
Grandpa Fred: Well you don’t spell it, son, you eat it.
Biographies I have read. Let’s see.
Hitler (a bunch)
Churchill (a few)
Stalin (a few)
Stalin’s daughter (1)
Khrushev ( a couple )
Himmler (1)
Martin Borman (1)
Ribbentrop (1)
Goebbels (1)
Magda Goebbels (2)
Irwin Rommel ( 1 )
Eichman (a couple)
Eisenhower (a couple)
George Reeves (TV Superman from the 1950s)
Stonewall Jackson ( a few )
Sherman
Bedford Forrest
Willem de Kooning ( a few )
Mark Rothko
Franz Kline
Van Gogh
Picasso
Matisse
Andy Warhol (several )
Gilda Radner
The Beatles
Marlena Dietrich
Leni Riefenstahl
Patti Hearst
Diana Otten
Timothy Leary
Kirk Douglas
Rosemary Clooney
Patti Duke
I must have bored everyone by now so I’ll stop.
Garrett: Atta-boy! “Hot for Teacher” is my favorite VH song! HA!
I’m not for the bullshit games either. If you have tricks up your sleeve…go find someother Houdini to tie up. And as far as baggage…none here! Just two hairy, fat, hungry, farting, snorting, sneezing, pooping 3x a day, pugs. Love me, love my dogs. They have been with me through thick and thin.
“Can you describe the ruckus, sir?”
“Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?”
“Chicks cannot hold their smoke, dat’s what it is.”
“What if your home… what if your family… what if your *dope* was on fire?
Impossible, sir. It’s in Johnson’s underwear. ”
“So Ahab, can I have all my doobage?”
RIP John Hughes
Dr. Smith on Youtube
My new favorite band
Zombie Bitches Kicking Peoples Ass Rules!
I’m Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell’s wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I’m… I’m the wart. She’s my tumor. My… my growth. My… uh, my pimple. I’m Uncle Wart. Just old Buck “Wart” Russell. That’s what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They’ll call me that. “Melanoma Head’s coming.” I’m s… uncle! Maisy Russell’s uncle!
Biographies: Alexander Hamilton, Ben Franklin, Bill Clinton, Elizabeth I, Mary Queen of Scots, Thomas Jefferson, and if it counts, a book about the wives of the Founding Fathers.
Recommended reading for all those who have to deal with idiots in the workplace: The Peter Principle by Dr. Laurence J. Peter and Raymond Hull. It was written years ago, but is amazingly accurate, and trust me, it’s better than it sounds.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Principle
@Rusty-Hitler to Patty Duke? I think one would call that a “broad range” of interests.
BUELLER? BUELLER? BUELLER?
GCIII – This is my favorite John Hughes from the Breakfast Club.
Bender: Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won’t be needing a drink. Naked lady says…
[the ceiling gives way]
Bender: Oh, *shit*.
guys if you are looking for a true bargain in blended scotch try “the famous grouse” It is the house whisky at pretty much every pub in Scotland! Makes Dewars & Johnnie red taste like cough medicine!
@ Pagan – My aim is to pay the most outrageous ridiculus price for sctoch I can afford. So far, I can’t seem to get past the Glenlivet 18. It’s hard to bite the bullet once you get around $75 a bootle. Unless its a special occassion. Fortunately, I just got a pay raise and a bonus.
Oh, he’s very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.
Shiny Rod: Try the Macallan 1926 it’s a mere $38,0000 a bottle:)
Oh, Gretchen… I’ve got the nasaly Chicago accent going in my head with that quote… and what’s this in my hair??? A pencil?!
@Pagan-I will give the grouse a try, although you and I have a little different view of “bargain”.
@SR-I believe Pagan has laid down a challenge my good man.
@Pagan-What kind of water would you recommend for a $38,000 dollar (I hope that’s not pounds) bottle of whisky and would you dare put ice in it?
I rather spend that on a wedding ring, a least I know where it will be going and I can see what I spent my money on.
I’m still trying to decide if Coors is better in a bottle or a can. The testing continues. The last time I bought bottles and drank out of the bottle, I could taste the cap…yuck. I usually use a glass either way. You guys are out of my league on the Scoth thing. I understand it…just never jumped in. I do know that some wines are red and some wines are white. I like red!
Lewis and Clark’s Journal…
And…Undaunted Courage…about Lewis and Clark. Must have been a hell of a walk! Sorry I missed it.
LOL Adam! Love that film. That and “Sixteen Candles.” I suppose it was nice to be in high school when Hughes was hitting his stride.
Car Rental Agent: [cheerfully] Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?
Neal: Yes.
Car Rental Agent: How may I help you?
Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking, cheeks! Then you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!
Car Rental Agent: I really don’t care for the way you’re speaking to me.
Neal: And I really don’t care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn’t fucking there. And I really didn’t care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
Neal: I threw it away.
Car Rental Agent: Oh boy.
Neal: Oh boy, what?
Car Rental Agent: You’re fucked!
Del: You play with your balls a lot.
Neal: I do NOT play with my balls.
Del: Larry Bird doesn’t do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!
Neal: Are you trying to start a fight?
Del: No. I’m simply stating a fact. That’s all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.
Neal: You know what’d make me happy?
Del: Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?
Jeezum Crow Shiny, you are one lovesick sumbitch!
Hey, a guys got set spending limits somewhere. I’m just trying to be practical about what I would spend 38K on. I don’t get sprung that easy.
@Garrett-WTF? That’s funny shit but I missed that movie, which one is it from. T-storm mocked me today so I don’t feel bad admitting it anymore!
Hopefully I will be setting new spending limits later tonight after winning the Mega-Millions jackpot!
That would be Planes Trains and Automobiles, WB.
Don’t forget your fellow surf reporters if you win, WB!
Thanks Garrett, and there will be cold beer for everyone when I win!! Peace out, got to run 5:22 tee time!
Turns out Billy Mays was a coke head.
I remember watching Sixteen Candles with my cousin and he said of Molly Ringwald, “She’s hot. I wish she was here so I could finger her.” I thought that was odd. “Finger her? I wish she were here so I could run her through with my ding dong.” And he said, “Run her through? What the fuck does that mean?” So I punched him in the neck.
LOL… There’s a rodeo in town and I was at Chili’s with Erica. Two rednecks in starched wranglers and cowboy hats were being served by a 6.5 foot tall flamboyant, gay, black waiter. Their discomfort was quite discernible.
Oh, and by flamboyant I mean this giant did a z-snap with a 5 foot wingspan after he entered their order into the computer.
giblets
About Vonage. I have it. On my end it seems fine, despite some intermittent clicky beeps while I speak. But according to my brother I sound like I’m being “waterboarded” and/or I am using a “Gilligan’s Island coconut shell” phone.” But it’s very inexpensive.
Jeezum crow, I am sad that I missed this shit. JK- this was the best update in awhile. And the comments have been stellar as well. See what happens when I am not around?
WB No ice just a splash of a good Scottish mineral water! (most tap water has chlorine in it that would ruin the taste completely!) I promise you wont be dissapointed with the grouse!
All this talk of John Hughes reminds me how much I miss that Great Comedian: John Candy!
@WB in OH
You live near Wapakoneta? Been to the Armstrong Museum.
@Good2go
Vonage at least OFFERS 911 service
and adding the address is part of the set up process.
It is a good thing.
@JCIII
Yep. Have The Breakfast Club memorized.
HATE catching it on TV when they censor
My son who is 17 recently bought the DVD extra of the movie and I just grinned.
He also bought The Outsiders after reading the book
Another Classic.
@Shiny Rod
“Naked blonde walks into a bar”
.. there IS NO punchline.
Best John Hughes joke ever.
I have googled in the past and recently binged
(I still occasionally check)
NO PUNCHLINE. Love it!
I stood before both John Hughes
(without knowing it and had a great chat with him)
and Molly Ringwald
via my Sunset Blvd Tower Records stint 1990
(Molly’s cards were declining left and right. I felt bad.
Congrats to her on the twins and she looks great)
Jeff
I read both links
My Penis (hilarity)
My Vagina (eh)
Loved the perspective enough
I thought about linking these on my site but I do not have the guts.
So thank you for having guts. Speaks volumes.
About Vonage:
I dunno. Never tried. Still a monthly bill.
I pay what $2 a month for skype?
And can call US/Canada unlimited?
But I have not gotten a skype in phone number yet
so people can call me on it.
I think that is another $3 a month. LOL
They never had local numbers for my area
until recently.
I avoid the monthly bill using MagicJack
http://www.magicjack.com/7/index.asp
It also uses your internet connection
If the PC is powered off calls go straight to VM
I love that.
There is another like it called ooma
http://www.ooma.com/
That I learned about tonight
but the box costs around $300
(I watched the video. Impressive)
compared to magicjack at $50.
These are ONE TIME FEES for life.
Please consider over Vonage
and get rid of monthly phone bills
I’ll second & even third that on The Famous Grouse.
If you can’t or won’t drink single malts, TFG is the one to get.
Biography: A Deeper Blue: The Life and Music of Townes Van Zandt, by Robert Earl Hardy. Recommended.
Here’s the
Today’s quote: “For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.” H. L. Mencken
We had Vonage for a few years, and literally went stretches of weeks/months without service. The fact that I live 1) in the middle of the woods and 2) in a military fly zone probably didn’t help. We finally transferred the # to a cell phone…which gets better coverage, for some reason.
You CAN transfer your number. Your phone company is simply trying to hold you hostage.
Advice to seniors:
1. Put some clothes on.
2. The world is NOT your oyster, it’s a dumpster for those who have gone before you.
3. Lose the attitude; have some respect for your elders.
4. While technology is a wonderful thing, learning how to do things ‘the old fashioned way’ won’t kill you.
5. Be willing to start at the bottom and WORK your way up. The world doesn’t owe you JACK.
Why, yes. I *have* had young employees. I’ve had to fire a good many of them for reasons listed above. Including #1.
I believe this is more applicable to the topic from an earlier posting, but the Seattle Mariners called up pitcher Doug Fister from the minors yesterday. I guess it makes sense that he’s the pitcher and not the catcher. [badum-ching!]
Good one, Gretchen!
Yeah, those odd-watt bulbs seem to be the only option anymore, besides the CFL. Apparently this is the latest in the campaign to make American “green”, if you refuse to switch to CFLs, you’ll have to buy reduced-wattage incandescent bulbs as punishment.
I’m 28 and I already feel like a cranky old man, pining for the days of yore, when we had real 75 watt bulbs and they were bulb shaped, dammit!
Nate did I get this right If you refuse to support the Canadian Football league you are punished? what a neighbourly sacrfice:)
I thought he was talking about Corn Free Lasagna. Why wouldn’t you support such a thing? Who wants corn in their lasagna?
Jason, Jason, Jason. You never fail to make me laugh.
Pagan, you watching CFL today? (not the lasagna)
@renn
That’s good advice for anyone who wants to be employable. I’m way younger than anyone I’ve managed… In fact I think I’m the youngest person at my company other than an administrative assistant. We recently let a senior citizen go for your items 1, 2 and the opposite of 4. I think everyone should not only know how to do their job manually but why it’s done that way. I’m finding that incompetence goes completely unnoticed when a job is reduced to clicking some buttons.
Also, nothing wrong with thinking the world is your oyster as long as you don’t mind making your own pearl.
I was talking about Central Florida. Duh.
I went to Vonage and kept my old number
Not Oprah like most Canadians I’m an NFL Fan:) the Bills are only a 90 min drive from my house!
We dumped our phone company too but instead of Vonage we went with T-mobile’s $10.00 a month plan for the house service. That includes all local and long distance calls, and I think caller id and call waiting. We have had the service for about 2 years and once the initial bugs were worked out it is great.
Almost forgot my Biography list:
Ayaan Hirsi Ali
Albert Einstein
Chris Gardner
Sidney Poitier
Victoria Rowell
Robert Goolrick
@Citizenx-Yes I live near Wapak, shamefully I have not been to the museum, I suppose it is one of those things that are so close and you could go anytime, you just never get around to it. That being said I will make an effort to go, sounds like a nice little motorcycle ride, hmmm.
Hey! Just stumbled upon your website at a fellow-WVers recommendation. I’m a Martinsburg transplant and living in Philly. McGillin’s is worth a trip! There’s a few other bars in the area as well that warrant a visit – check out Monk’s!
It seemed like HBO/Cinemax/Showtime pre-empted a lot of scheduled movies this past weekend to show JohN Hughes movies.
Did you know- The Cousin Vicki in Nat’l Lampoons Vacation (Daddy says I am the best!), which for some unexplicable reason has been changed to “Daddy says I am a scientist!” on the TBS version, is the same person now on 30 Rock (Jenna) all growed up?
On IPOD right now- The Rain Song- Led Zep
I will always have a soft spot for the To The Stars autobiography by George Takei. Audio version only. I know that Howard Stern totally mined that gem over and over for his show but it is great and funny.
My mother traumatized me into never touching my face or putting my fingers anywhere near my mouth– Ice cream dripping, scooping whip cream? Hell no! Mom’s hand, from what I’m sure was downstairs, would come flying at the offending digit precariously aimed at my mouth, “Don’t even think– you’ll get strep!” Now I can’t and no one around me can either… wierd childhood memories.