The Worst Songs of the Modern Era
Most people at my job use an iPod or an mp3 player to help ward off the boredom, the deep, deep boredom. The company not only allows this, but encourages it. Many of the duties, especially on the production floor, are repetitive, and iPods help ease the pain.
I, of course, have my Nano all charged-up and loaded every day. I listen to music sometimes, but it’s mostly talk stuff. Like old time radio programs (Suspense, Gunsmoke, Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar), Phil Hendrie, Clive Bull, vintage Jean Shepherd, audiobooks (Seth Godin, mostly)…
I love music, of course, but it doesn’t really do it for me at work. I don’t know why.
When I first started working there a manager was trying to reach me on a walkie-talkie. I’d stepped away from my desk for a couple of minutes, and forgot to take the squawk box with me. I guess he was hollering my name into it repeatedly, and getting no answer.
Frustrated, he stormed over to my desk, and found me sitting there with my iPod plugged into my skull. And he flew off the handle, believing I hadn’t heard him because I was blasting Pantera or somesuch. He “asked” me not to listen to music anymore.
My heart sank. I love those old programs. As pathetic as it might seem, they’re often the highlight of my day. So, I told him I’d been in the shitter when he paged me (pisser, to be more precise), and my iPod wasn’t going anywhere.
This led to one of those awkward moments when both parties stare at each other, waiting for the other to make the first move. He finally broke, and said, “Answer me when I call!” and stormed away.
So, my iPod is VERY important to me. I resisted them for many years, but now own two, and cling to both like a life preserver. Especially the Nano I take to work. Sweet sainted mother of Bobby Buntrock!
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago… A woman who sits in a cubicle near my desk has broken protocol, and started bringing a freaking boombox to work with her. Everybody else is using mp3 players, and she’s playing stuff out in the open air.
Grrr…
It starts with the volume turned down, and not overly obnoxious. But it gets louder as the night drags on. I think she gooses it a bit, every hour or so. And I’m not joking, she has a CD that MUST be called “The Worst Songs of the Modern Era.” I haven’t seen the jewel box, but know the title anyway.
This thing features (I kid you not) “We Built This City,” by Starship, which is possibly the shittiest song in the history of our planet…
I worked at a grocery store in Greensboro (right after I left this joint) when that crap was inexplicably popular, and played over the loudspeaker roughly twenty times per shift. My entire body would go rigid whenever it came on again, and my sphincter would turn to stone. Nothing has changed during the ensuing twenty years…
Her collection of horrible music also includes an old Mr. Mister tune (something to do with wings), an anal acorn by Billy Joel called “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” and at least two songs by (are you ready?) Toto.
It’s almost unbelievable. It’s as if Satan made a mix-tape.
And it only gets worse, the longer it plays… Eventually that Whitney Houston song comes on. You know, the one Dolly Parton wrote, and sounds like a fire alarm going off? Every time it comes around again, I almost instinctively drop to the floor and start crawling toward the light.
After the wailing finally ends, “Believe” by Cher starts playing, and I actually get nostalgic for Mr. Mister. That’s the one where they run her voice through some kind of distortion program, and it sounds like the PA system at Home Depot. The annoying melody repeats in my head until I seriously contemplate catching the first flight to southern California, locating a forest fire, and walking straight into the flames.
I’ve “asked” the woman to turn down the volume on her Box of Terrible several times, and she always complies. But why should I have to do it every night? Every freaking night?
Anyway. I said I wasn’t going to write again until Monday, but didn’t want to leave an update about unspeakable tragedy flapping in the breeze (although you guys provided some amazing stories!).
So, let’s talk about something a little more enjoyable: bad music that was popular. What tunes should be included on Volume 2 of “The Worst Songs of the Modern Era?” Use the comments link below.
And I’ll see you folks on Monday afternoon, or maybe Tuesday.
Have a great weekend!
Filed under: Daily
Tada!
Fuck this! I quit!
Worst songs of the modern era?
Kung-fu Fighting
Seasons in the Sun
Muskrat Love
The tooth-flossin’, fingernail-clippin’ coworker I mentioned before was also a radio player! “Smooth jazz” and “urban contemporary” being his main choices. It’s enough to turn a man to violence.
The one song I’d include would be “Closing Time” by whatever band did it. Back when I listened to the radio (I had to give it up for my sanity’s sake) and that song would come on, I’d just about wrench my arm out of whack trying to get to any control knob on the radio. I’d rather listen to an hour of the Emergency Broadcast System than one minute of that song. Great, now I’m pissed off.
Smooth Jazz is neither!!!
5th and I’m getting one tonight.
Almost anything by CCR. That’s fingernail / chalk board stuff for me.
top ten – woo hoo!
g’day surf reporters, it’s Friday of Labor Day weekend, I’m happy: The wife and mother-in-law leave for a cruise on Monday – it’s me & the boys for 5 days, what fun.
Worst Songs Ever, vol. 2:
9 to 5 (Dolly Parton) – this “song” features her shouting rather than singing, unbelievably it has spawned a movie AND a Broadway show. aaaaaaagghhhhhh.
Horse With No Name (America)
Silly Love Songs (Paul Mcartney)
I Just Called to Say I Love You (Stevie Wonder)
Hold Me Now (Thompson Twins) – made me wince even before I saw their hair and makeup.
Chiquitita (ABBA)
Ariel (Dean Friedman)
All of those make me want to stick hot needles in my ears.
every poll i have ever read about the worst songs ever written have “we built this city” as number one. every poll.
i would nominate that umbrella song. i hate that damn umbrella song.
Larry in CA – I do beg to differ since I am an SJ musician and a fan of many SJ artist.
Anything they played in the Harrisonburg Holiday Inn Lounge in 1986 was the Worse Song Ever. But the worst of them all was one the has the lines”yes, I’ll be your friend, and I’ll be your lover, I know in our hearts we agreeeeeee, we don’t have to be one or the ooooother!”
Makes be want to kick puppies every damned time I hear it.
Oh wait, there’s that Barry Gibb/Barbra Streisand one about not singing love songs or some crap. It’s pretty awful too.
And “Feelings” too ,but I’m fairly certain that goes without saying.
American Pie –
dumbest.
song.
ever.
oh, & ANYTHING by James Taylor
donna summer – “macarthur park is melting in the dark, all the sweet cream icing flooooowing down….
someone left the cake out in the rain….i. dont. think that i can take it! cuz it took so long to bake it! and i’ll never have that recipe agaiiiiiiiin oohh noooooo…”
SuperMatt’s JT comment sparked bad memories of another worst song ever: Taylor’s duet with wife at the time Carly Simon, Mockingbird.
Weird fact #137: Here in NC there is a James Taylor Memorial bridge, actually a highway overpass, that I drive over every day taking my son to school. It really is named after him, and it’s just as non-descript and boring as him and his music.
I also wanted to add that Billy Joel’s Greatest Hits vol. 2 could probably serve as Worst Songs of All Time on its own “merits.”
… Metallica’s St. Anger….the whole album should be there.
but if it comes to songs….
you can hear it at this link… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI
Anything off the ELO “Discovery” album falls into your category of bad popular music.
Just about anything Elton John did.
Achie- Breakie Heart, (sp)
YMCA or just about any other line dancing song
(I’ve never been drunk enough to try it.)
Name Game
Don’t Worry Be Happy or any song that sticks in your head and makes you want to join Jeff at the forest fire.
Oh, and. Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover.
This could go on for days…….
Thought for today
When you argue with an idiot it usually ends in a draw.
Let’s see……… Spiders and Snakes by Jim Stafford, Brand New Key or whatever the name of the song was, everything ever written by Bob Dylan. His voice makes me want to shove screwdrivers in both ears, anything by Madonna. I could go on all day……
Awesome, an update! Jeff left it at “have a great weekend” yesterday and I wasted a stupid question that no one was going to answer anyways.
A lot of bad songs out there right now. Does the eighties count as modern era? “The Final Countdown” by Europe sucked balls, although it sounds better at hockey games. That Rico Suave song sucked too. “Feelings”, “Im too sexy”. GOing back to the 70′s, there was an actual song or tow about drving a truck and using a CB radio. “White Knight” and “Convoy” come to mind. All hit, mind you.
I do like that Emergency Broadcast System song, though.
Tony Basil, if I hear that song one more time, I am going to find her and Mickey and beat the living out of both of them. Thats all I got to say, bye, everyone have a good weekend, drink plenty of beer/wine/alcohol or whatever floats your boat, have plenty of good food and for gwad sake, get yer boots knocked.
I love Friday updates!
Crap dammit crap…
This post made me chuckle out loud, irritating my co-workers, and torturing them with curiosity all at the same time. Thanks for Friday fun!
kristin – I prefer Weird Al’s version of that song:
Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Somone shut the fence off in the rain
I admit its kinda eerie
But this proves my chaos theory
And I dont think I’ll be coming back again
Oh nooooooo.
And who can forget that soft rock anthem “Afternoon Delight” which is almost as bad as Olivia Newton John’s “Have You Never Been Mellow?”
I died in your arms tonight by the Cutting Crew. Whenever I hear this song, it makes me want to cut my ears off. RELAX-Frankie, YOU relax, asshole.
867-5309
I’m as red as the next Pa. hick but anything by Lynerd Skynerd(sp? that is how much I dislike them) makes me want to jump off one of our many bridges.
In the 80s there was a vocal band that did a cover (of sorts) of Stairway to Heaven. It was nightmarish.
Duran Duran could make a crow puke. (mega-gay)
Flock of Gaygulls
All that 80s pop crap
-AND-
Any rap
In the last few years, I’ve run across (and notified loyal SR’s) stolen “Fast Food vs. Reality” page.
Well, here’s one that just stole the idea……
http://www.womansday.com/Articles/Food/Fast-Food-Revealed-Real-vs.-Ads.html
Anything by AC/DC or Rush. The lead singers’ voices make me want to punt small children.
All current pop music. Especially that stupid fucking “I Know You Want Me.”
You all have some great picks!
“I hope you dance” who is that by? JoDee (fuckin learn to spell!) Messina or some such trailer park skeezer. I’d like to know whose dick she had to suck to get her quivering, screeching voice on record. God I hate that fuckin song!!
I used to work with a lady named Janice. I called her the lipless wonder ala Frank Burns. Her eyes were so close together they practically met in the middle and her pantyhose made that whoosh sound as her thighs rubbed together while she walked. She used to listen to some do wop music from the 50s. I finally lost all composure and told her she had to turn that shit off or they were going to have to haul me out of there in a handcuffs.
The lady in red and she blinded me with science…fuck me!!!!
AWG – “The Final Countdown” has since been redeemed by being Gob’s illusion theme song on Arrested Development.
Harper Valley PTA – can’t stand it.
THANK YOU, MRS. WALLY!!!!
I REALLY wanted to mention Rush, but I thought I’d get butt-raped in these-here comments.
Seriously, 32 minute songs with a grand total of 25 words in them?
I was on hold recently for what felt like two hours thanks to a grating Stevie Nicks song. Wish I knew what it was, but I’m probably safe in making a sweeping generalization and declaring any of her [solo] songs worthy of the list.
Another vote for “American Pie”. I want to rip the heads off of baby chickens when I hear that song. With my teeth. All Ozzy like.
And one vote for Neil Diamond’s “Coming to America”, just for shits and giggles.
P.S. Thank you, Jeff, for changing the topic.
-Mmm-Bop by Hanson
-Mmm, mmm,mmm,mmm by The Crash Test Dummies
-Pretty much any song with “mmmmm” in them
-Dream Weaver by Gary Wright
-Strange Magic by ELO
-Anything Don Henley did solo
-Basically every song playing when I turn the radio on nowadays (current, not oldies or classic rock stations).
Thank God for 21st century audio technology!!!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
I blame Pandora, my medium of choice for at work music, because they seem to favor a bias towards certain artists, i.e. Nirvana, John Mayer, Jack Johnson, Creedence Clearwater Revival. Sorry, but anytime one of the aforementioned starts to play, I automatically fast forward.
Seriously. I was listening to the Snoop Dogg station and Nirvana starts to play. How in the fuck is Nirvana in any way shape or form in the same genre as Snoop D Oh double G?
I worked at Sturgis Harley Davidson every summer during high school, and we had a pinball machine that would constantly blare Born To Be Wild. Every minute of every day. I have never wanted to throw a pinball machine through a window before, but some nights it took all I had not to.
All-time worst for me is Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer. If that song were used as a torture device, I’d crack before he even got to the chorus.
Others include:
Heartbeat — Don Johnson
Party All the Time — Eddie Murphy
She’s Like the Wind — Patrick Swayze (actors should not try to sing)
Macarena
Mambo #5
Down Under – Men at Work
More Than Words — Extreme
Anything by Air Supply, Bryan Adams or Celine Dion
Will someone please get me a drink so that I can wash this horrible taste out of my mouth? The contents of my stomach have just about reached my uvula.
The list is too large to manage, but I’d bet that any singles in the top 10 since about 1990, has sucked, according to my tastes. Really sucked. The boy bands, the 8 octave women singers, rap. I hate it all. The stuff from the 70s and 80s I can at least handle in small doses. I suppose it’s all because I’m an old shit and I’m repeating all the stereotypes.
“Killing Me Softly”……I wish somebody would every time I’m subjected to it.
For me its not so much songs as artists. I can generally suffer through some 80′s one hit wonder because I know it’ll be over in 3 minutes, then on to something else that will replace it . My problem is with certain MOR artists ( the term has never been used more loosely ) whose songs are so overplayed that even hearing a few notes just plants the whole thing in my head and good luck getting rid of it. Yes, I’m looking at you, Billy Joel, Madonna, Elton John, and maybe worst of all, The Eagles ( group or solo projects … hell, I’ll even trash Joe Walsh for being part of the mellow So-Cal sounds that can positively ruin an afternoon for me. )
1) Jody May
http://www.sportsbusinesssims.com/jody.may.sports.marketing.woman.bodybuilder.jody.may.htm
2) Tie. Linda Fiorentino or Dena Meyers
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2960431616/nm0000400
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3003549696/nm0000539
3) Terri Clark
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:TerriClarkCD.jpg
I HAVE TO AGREE ABOUT RUSH. I have to wonder do girls just not get it??
i was a waitress in a karaoke bar in the 90′s and every drunken redneck fuck in tarnation wanted to sing LOVESHACK- when i hear that song i want to scream!!! HATE it
HATE IT
have to agree with almost all the rest too.
ANYTHING – and I do mean ANYTHING – by Steve Miller. He makes me want to trip children and drop kick small dogs. I had a high school graduation party and someone put a Steve Miller album on and I actually punched the guy. I have no recollection of this, but there were many witnesses and I have no reason to doubt it. GAH I hate Steve Miller
Happy Friday, Surfers! Have a great long weekend!
Anything by Hall & Oates! especially Private eyes! Whoops wrong update!!
Okay, I’m pulling out all stops on the music banks here.
“The Bertha Butt Boogie” by The Jimmy Caster Bunch
“You Make Me Feel Like Dancing” by Leo Sayer
“Hooked on a Feeling” by BJ Thomas
“Rhinestone Cowboy” by Glen Campbell
“Paper Roses” by Marie Osmond
“Delta Dawn” by Tanya Tucker
Take your pick of Pet Shop Boys songs.
“Radio GaGa” by Queen (whom I love otherwise)
Any and all songs sung, spoken, or hummed by Air Supply.
“What What (in the Butt)” by Samwell
“Da Dip” by Freak Nasty
“People Have the Power” by Patti Smith (who I love otherwise)
Any singer who feels compelled to phrase between notes as if they are Jerry Lewis falling down a set of stairs (yes, Christina Aguilera and Mariah Carey, I’m talking about you).
I swear, I’ll probably back with more. I am nothing if not a vast storehouse of bad music knowledge.
Buy the boombox gal some earphones. Leave them on the boombox. Take the boombox batteries. Refuse to return them until she promises to use the earphones.
BTW, I used to take a perverse pleasure in the fact that Marie Osmond could only sing the song “Paper Roses” as “Papah Woses”
“Daybreak” by Barry Man-I-Blow
The worst of the worst are bold
I’m Too Sexy – Right Said Fred
I’d Do Anything For Love – Meat Loaf
Rico Suave – Whatever his fucking name is
Macarena
Rock Me Amadeus – Falco
Kokomo – Beach Boys (anything by the Beach Boys, I hate their whispery voices).
My Sharona – Whatever the fuck their name is.
From a Distance – Bette Midler
Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice
Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus
EVERYONE IN BOLD CAN DRINK BLEACH!
“Our House” makes me wish for a bulldozer.
Or a sniper rifle…
Father wears his sunday best
Mothers tired she needs a rest
The kids are playing up downstairs
Sisters sighing in her sleep
Brothers got a date to keep
He cant hang around
Our house, in the middle of our street
Our house, in the middle of our …
Damn you all. I have half these crap songs on random play in my head jukebox now, thank you very much.
’99 Luftbaloons’ makes me want to fly to Germany and beat Nena to death with a large fragment of the wall.
I was in a country band for a VERY short time
(hey I needed the money) just about the time Achy Breaky Heart was a hit. Requested dozens of times a night. I cried myself to sleep for weeks. Coulda been the Yukon Jack tho…maybe not. Country music of ANY kind is a sure fire way to get me to give up nuclear secrets. You know…if I knew any.
Besides…Country music is like a Dean Koontz novel. There’s a chick, a kid and a dog in there somewhere.
My husband is volunteering anything done by Chicago during the Peter Cetera years.
I have to go against Jim Britton here. I like “Our House” by Madness. Not that I’d go out of my way to buy the mp3 or anything, but I can’t put it up there with people like Air Supply and Billy Ray Cyrus.
The worst song on Earth is “Happy Birthday to You” because I always feel like an ass when everyone sings it to me. What the fuck are you supposed to do during the birthday song? Everyone is staring at you and you just have to sit there and stare at your candles. Absurd.
who let the dogs out…who’s with me??
I’m with you. Fuck the dogs. They let themselves out.
Huey Lewis. End of list.
How come no one’s put in the Bee Gee’s yet? Stayin’ alive nearly made me want to kill my family. Oh, and that shit Grease song. The one with the skanky Olivia Newton John. Christ on a bike! Where’s my chainsaw……
The best song ever written or sung:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sj0o0QO2riY
Tell (not ask) the woman to use headphones (or keep it turned way down)… As a consideration to all the other multi-genre music listeners around her using their own headsets keeping their musical tastes to themselves.
We’re more radical in our shop, if you don’t comply with keeping your audio choices to your own ears, it will be turned down by who ever happens to get annoyed. No asking, no more telling. A few days of turning somebodys noise box down usually gets the message across. Wire cutters are the next step.
Having worked in a cacaphony of genres at a previous shop competing for attention, I am pleased with the no tolerance to excess volume levels at the current shop.
malcolm,
i agree. billy joel’s greatest hits cd 1 is pretty great (goodnight saigon) but then i believe track one on cd 2 is tell her about it. really? fuck me with christie brinkley’s dick.
Okay fuckfaces. I’ve been making you laugh or recoil in horror for a while now. I need your help!
Hangover remedies! I need all you got. I’ve a lot to do tomorrow and I’m presently drunk. And the hangovers have been hitting me hard lately. So do you know any way to make the hangover less so, or avoid it all together? Rub toothpaste on my balls? I’ll do it. Whatever you got, PLEASE HELP!
Jason – Step 1. drink a lot of water, like a liter, before going to sleep. Throw in a couple…or 4…Tylenol. Step 2. Take a twinkie, dip your finger in the creamy center and rub a dab under your nose (this will help the headache) and a dab under each eye (this will help the bloodshot eyes). Step 3. Rub a pat of butter on each nipple (this will help with any indigestion from the alcohol)
Good Luck!
What an intriguing question! It’s funny how some of the most cutting edge tunes of my youth in the 80s just seem like kid’s stuff today.
Music is music. One person’s crap is another person’s gold. Sure, we can sit here and make disparaging remarks about the new pop stuff…but just because the bands that we like aren’t popular, doesn’t necessarily make the masses who like pop music wrong.
RNK,
Thank you. You’re a self proclaimed newby, and you’re here to help. The twinky thing sounds absurd. So I’ll try it. Whipped lard (sweetened) on my nipples helps with my panic atticks? Whatever you say, sister.
No, really, I appreciate you. Thanks for chiming in. You’re witty.
In no particular order:
Connon Eye Joe: Rednix (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDdlHmzIdn8)
Mambo Number 5: Lou Bega (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfvJOL1gpic)
Barbie Girl: Aqua (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxn567bHny8&feature=related)
Blue: Efiel 65 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H25lz7gchaw)
Lucas With the Lid Off: Lucas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5HOsnq_2j4)
I Can’t Go For That: Hall and Oats (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwarCieO1dc)
If I Could Turn Back Time: Cher (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OR0U87mRsY)
Achy Breaky Heart: Billy Ray Virus (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EebObs-vC0&feature=fvst)
The Groove is in the Heart: Deee Lite (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmZ08V4GFQg). Side note: I kinda feel bad about this one only because Bootsy Collins was involved, and I have enormous respect for Bootsy, but it just soooo terrible.
Every Time You Go Away: Paul Young (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2M9HrFCVlWg)
Never Gonna Give You Up: Rick Astley (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI)
R E O Speedwagon ~ Ridin the Storm Out
I hate anything by Chicago.
But loved the comments – so many ‘fucks’….this topic brought out the Friday Rage!!
Karma Chameleon – easily the worst song ever, and it sticks in your head as if by velcro. Anything Elton John did after 1976.
Ah, I remember one more. Safety Dance. Will somebody please shoot that daffy chick that keeps dancing in and out of the video? Please, she is making me sick.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcOZ6xFxJqg
Jason:
Lots of vitamin B, like in those energy drinks or pill form.
Also alcohol depletes amino acids, look in your medicine cabinet for:
Isoleucine Alanine
Leucine Asparagine
Lysine Aspartate
Methionine Cysteine*
Phenylalanine Glutamate
Threonine Glutamine*
Tryptophan Glycine*
Valine Proline*
Serine*
Tyrosine*
Arginine*
Histidine*
Of course all this helps more if you have the mind to take them before you go to bed.
>What do you think life was like in that so-called sanitarium? What was a normal day there?
Just read this question from the previous update. TB sanitariums (sanitaria?) were in vogue in the late 19th~early twentieth centuries, and, apart from a few low-rent establishments for the indigent, were more like resorts than hospitals. Aside from patients with galloping (fast-progressing) consumption, patients experienced few grave symptoms–a mild fever and weakness at most. The “treatment” was moderate, with daily temperature taking and an occasional X-ray. For the most part, patients occupied their time with bridge, rich food, parties, walks in the forest, and relaxing sessions under the sun bundled in blankets. Friendships, rivalries and love affairs were rife.For many, the creature comforts were sufficient to make going home a burden–and some stayed way past their welcome.
You can find info and pictures of old TB sanitoriums on the internet. Also, Thomas Mann’s “Magic Mountain” is a (1000-page) tome written specifically on this topic, and has all the dirt on what goes on among the TB patients. It’s well worth a look-see if you’re interested in this topic.
According to Mann, a “normal day” began with a ritual temperature taking, then proceeded to a rich breakfast and lunch, a sunning session, a lavish dinner, and bridge games and drinking till the wee hours. He was describing a fictitious upper-class establishment in Switzerland, but middle-class sanitariums also gave patients a relatively comfortable lifestyle.
Hey everyone, Amazon is giving away a free mp3 this weekend!! So now we can all secretly download those songs our fellow surfers think suck:
http://tinyurl.com/n3wvjf
And if anyone cares, I downloaded “Back on the Chain Gang”. The Pretenders seem to be one of those bands most people like….well, maybe not the young’ins, but you know what I mean.
Jason,
Alcohol dehydrates you and the dehydration causes the headache. Also, the metabolic by-products of alcohol are highly toxic.
Solution: Don’t drink.
Workable Solution: Drink a glass of water for every alcoholic drink and before bed have two more glasses of water. This will not prevent a hangover, but will decrease the severity.
Gretchen — Thanks for enabling one of my guilty pleasures. Should I be ashamed to admit I just downloaded a Taylor Swift song?
@Brynhildr: You’re welcome. I’d gladly tell you if you should be ashamed or not, but I don’t know who the frick Taylor Swift is.
That’s OK, Gretchen. I’ll just go pop in my Carpenters CD, raid the cookie jar and have a Coke. (I hear Diet Coke makes you fat so I’ve switched to the regular variety.)
Thanks for all the advice! I can’t remember who recommended sleeping with a banana pepper up my ass, but it really worked. I’ve never felt better.
@KYDave, re:
“@Limey. Old dairy cows really. I would imagine that McDonalds sells more pounds of hamburger in a month that the total on-hoof wieght of all the dairy cattle in America. I would imagine that McD’s hamburger is most likely made out of whatever cows they can get for the lowest price.”
You imagine wrong. McDoanld’s patties are mainly old dairy cows, which is what ~20% of the beef we eat is. The US consumes ~12M tons beef/year, that’s ~2.5M tons of old dairy cows. McDonald’s uses 1/2M tons of beef/year, i.e. one fifth of the old dairy cows available.
Just sitting around this evening enjoying The Worst Songs of the Modern Era. Oh, and eating old dairy cow meat. Yum. I know not everyone can relate, but I’m also enjoying a Mountaineer victory, however lame it was.
The REO Speedwagon song that goes: “Heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from another you been messin’ arou-hound” is the dorkiest ever.
Reflex by Duran Duran- clunky song with horrible lyrics.
Beats the hell out of my night of playing games on facebook and being pissy about working tomorrow.
The Eagles and Steely Dan catalogues tie for worst songs ever.
Brynhildr – Bitte um Entschuldigung. Sie haben auf meinem Laptop ohne mein Wissen und ich entschuldige mich. Ich werde nicht in Details gehen hier nicht, aber es ist nicht wahr. Ich kann nur bitten um Ihr Vergebung. Ich möchte Haß zu verlieren ihre Freundschaft über dieses Missverständnis. Also ich überlasse diese in ihre Hände von hier.
The worst songs of the modern era list could go on and on. Cherry Pie – Warrant would be in my top five.
Shiney Rod’s last comment to Brynhildr just reminded me that I hated “Der Commisar” (or however that was spelled). Wasn’t that also by Falco, who did “Rock Me Amedeus”?
To JRP_IN_SC, Here’s my favorite quote about Warrant’s “Cherry Pie”:
“I hate that song. I had no intention of writing that song. The record was done. The record was called ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’. And Donny Inner [president of Columbia Records] called up and said, ‘I don’t hear the single. You gotta give me a f**king single like ‘Love in an Elevator’. I need something like that.’ So that night I wrote ‘Cherry Pie’. Sent it to him. He lived with it over the weekend. Then all of a sudden the album’s called ‘Cherry Pie’. The record’s called ‘Cherry Pie’. I’m doing cherry-pie-eating contests. The single’s ‘Cherry Pie’. Right? If I’m lying, I’m dying. And my legacy’s ‘Cherry Pie’. Everything about me is ‘Cherry Pie’. I’m the ‘Cherry Pie’ guy. I could shoot myself in the fucking head for writing that song.”
BTW, a friend went to see Warrant at a bar a couple of years back. Why, I’ll never know, but she did. Janie Lane started the show by gurgling out a few words before he puked into a towel onstage.
And, to whomever I cannot remember, that banana pepper up the ass for a hangover is hilarious!
Throw this one in the list too! Bananarama!!!
“Imagine” by John Lennon. Fuck him and his lofty ideals.
Walk Like An Egyptian.
We did shrooms and some skunk weed one night in Alaska. We really thought we could get into “You Light Up My Life”. Didn’i work…but eventually all three of us saw Debbie Boone naked. She had a moustache though, which was weird…so maybe it was just our road manager. We always called him Debbie after.
Give her headphones and a suggestion that if she wears them you won’t have to ask her to turn the shit down.
And if she keeps doing it, just keep giving her headphones. Pretend it’s groundhog day. Grind her down, one night at a time. Maybe enlist some other co-workers to also give her headphones.
If that doesn’t work, fill her speakers with Wheatina.
hmm, did I detect a “rick-roll” in there?
Even more fun than the songs on here, is to take several of the heavy hitters and play them at the same time. It’s a crap-tackular overdose!
You motherfuckers have diamonds on the soles of your shoes. I’m going to put a banana pepper up my ass and go to bed. Happy Labor Day!
Jason…Hang in there… it’s early…we’re going to need you later. Oh…the shelf at the market here has been wiped out of banana peppers by the tourists and so is most the liquor. You really might be on to something I’m not aware of. Just an observation.
(Cubic zirconia thank you very much)
Got-dammit. I’ll take one for the team, it being labor day and all. Banana peppers are the shit (no pun intended). I can now drink pain free. Thank you Jesus!
I just found out my hooker has the exact same birthday as me. She looks years younger than I do. Doesn’t seem right. Oh well, I’m going to put a pepper up her ass and I’ll check in with you guys later.
USA! USA! USA!
Jason, you are hilarious. Not quite as funny as TFM though..
Not Oprah,
Who is this TFM that you speak of? He’s an asshole, no doubt. Is this the man:
http://mockable.org/friday-guest-mock-duh-lie-luuuuuh/
Aren’t you guys BBQing? I have a whole pork belly. Sounds gross, but as I understand it I have bacon that hasn’t been sliced yet. She’s going on the smoker in T minus 8 minutes. I’ll let yall know, but I can’t see myself fucking this up. A giant bacon? SCORE!
Jeff talked about soaking steaks in buttermilk a while back. I haven’t tried it. I’m scared. Anyone else tried it?
Jason? Are you going to soak the giant bacon in buttermilk?
DTO, what’s going on with Dave to You? It is showing me blogger maintenance status. Is it me? Is it you? Is it the whole internet? (Facebook has been all weird today too.)
Come on White Trashy! Don’t do me like that. Should I? Should I soak the giant bacon in buttermilk? I’m post to be on the grill by now. Now I’m in doubt.
Belly is on. NO BUTTERMILK! Come on and listen to the King then:
So High!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jisko-wF8fk
tfm, Honestly don’t care for any of the other blogs suggested from here.
ok so I’m waaaaaay late, been away for the weekend for what else…..football.
AWG, sorry but I had a hand in picking your Sr Prom theme, Stairway to Heaven. It has to be one of the worse.
2nd place…..Barbie Girl God I hate that “song” and I use the term loosly.
Happy to be back home!
WTB…I know…click it twice and it should work…thanks.
Jason…way to step into the pitch man!!
Oh, and most of the songs that have been mentioned are songs that I like. They’re not necessarily my faves, but songs I will usually sing along to when (alone) in the car. My husband kindly calls them guilty pleasures, but I know that I have pretty crap taste in music, and I am ok with that.
Jason – What does one serve with a giant piece of bacon? Will you fry an ostrich egg or something? Nothing on the grill at Barbie’s Dream Trailer today – it is raining here. Looks like homemade sliders on the George Foreman.
DTO – Still nothing. I’ll keep trying. The internet has not been my friend today.
There is soooo much misinformation out there about hangovers. Take it from an alca-ma-holic. Hangovers are caused by cheap booze. Stick with the good stuff and you’ll never be hung again.
Sorry Jason, I guess that doesn’t help your current predicament.
No Oprah,
It’s the same people! Jeff and Metton!
http://mockable.org/friday-guest-mock-duh-lie-luuuuuh/
WTB…it seems to be working other places. You’ve read it before anyway. Just an anniversary edition. I’ll work on it.
Wow Not Ophra…pretty brutal there. I don’t read ‘blobs’ for information, insight or wisdom. I know mine sucks but tiff and tammie too? And all the folks they like? Oh well…plenty of playgrounds I guess. Jeezum Crow…it’s just…well…bananna peppers up the ass stuff I guess. No offence Janson…you are funny!!
“Isn’t fun the best thing ever”?….Arthur Bach
Got the grill going for a T-Bone tonight (supirse from Bev).
Pig stomach = a huge success. Thank yall, love yall, I still don’t know who kilt JFK.
You girls wanna come by and talk about it, I’ll show you mine, you show me yours’.
Pfft, whatever.
Jason, I don’t know who killed JFK either so there wouldn’t be much to talk about. And as for the other thing…I have a hard time getting naked in front of strangers and therefore can’t show you my pig stomach. I’m flattered that you wanted to see it and hope you weren’t just trying to get a look at my extra teats — you know, for the freak factor and all.
Jason – JFK was Irish not a Scot, why would he being wearing a Kilt?
Brynhildr,
I’m a big fan of teets, and you know it.
You’re a country music fan (secretly) aren’t you?
I don’t member what you said were the most worst songs ever. What are they? Tell us, please.
Worst songs is a softball, bro. All Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, and anything done by Menudo, in any of its hairy forms.
I could also insert all Phil Collins. I must say that once Clapton became unpugged, all of his prior quality music became Scheisse, it done turned suck, and has a burnt cat ass flavor whcih cannot be recovered.
I wish to end on a positive note. The Moody Blues still hit the spot. The Reds were beaten by CO, no surprise, but they had a great run!
Greg in Cincinnati.
Let’s also throw Rick Dee in that steaming pile of crap songs.
Jason — none of the songs on my all-time-worst-ever list are Country (see above) but I do think Achy Breaky Heart is truly horrific. I was forced to listen to the Urban Cowboy soundtrack (on 8-track, no less!) when I was a young lass, and eventually it grew on me. Love the movie…secretly. I will listen to country, but prefer the classic, old-school variety a la Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette, George Jones, Conway Twitty, Charley Pride, Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash, Dolly, Merle Haggard, Kenny Rogers…. Who have I forgotten here? Modern / alternative country isn’t bad, though. I own a fair number of Alison Krauss CDs, as well as some Cowboy Junkies, Brandi Carlile, and Shelby Lynne. I like Bluegrass as well, which is a surprise coming from someone raised in the suburbs of San Francisco.
I would like to amend the list of horrors previously posted to include anything by Sting.
Now Playing: Fatiguee d’attendre by Patricia Kaas
The Crash test dummies, Mmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmm, without question should top the list. Anything rap, after that, to round out the remaining list.
you’ve certainly touched on a subject I feel very strongly about. So here they are, the 3 songs I frequently tell friends and family are the absolute worst ever made.
Gary Wright – Dream Weaver…this is often met with WTF comments, but I’m sorry, this guy makes Air Supply look like street thugs. Unfortunately, this song still plagues us 35 years later on all classic rock/soft rock stations.
Smashmouth – All Star…In the late 90s I wanted this song to go away so bad. This band had a string of godawful “hits” that made me want to rip out the singer’s larynx. Finally, the band and song seem to have fallen off the planet the last 4-5 years or so.
Eve 6 – Inside Out…we can all be thankful that this pile of crap was only a short lived nightmare in the mid-90s, and then poof, the song and band were gone. A rare victory when it comes to avoiding crappy pop.
Add Helen Reddy to the list, Delta Dawn makes me want to vomit and so does Looking Glass’s Brandy. Oh and Dexy’s Midnight Runners, Come on Eilene.
Tony Basil’s Mickey
and
Rick Dee’s Disco Duck
..am I too late to participate? Guess not, I just did
Don’t Worry. Be Happy.
there. I said it. I didn’t want to have to go there but it had to be done.
also
Convoy by CW McCall
that shit hit #1 on the top 100 chart AND spun off a movie. What could possibly be worse than that? When somebody writes a song that causes the listener to erupt in boils, Convoy will be beat.
DIO (sp?)..you know Unholly Diver and Rainbow in the Dark…both of them make me wanna scratch my eyes out and scream so loud my ears bleed.
In answer to Boy George, concerning his wonderful music, “do you really want to hurt me, do you really want to say goodbye?”
The answer to both is yes.
Third Eye Blind – Semi-charmed Life
Chumbawumba – Tubthumping
Trio – Da Da Da
@ JRP and buzzard:
I happen to see Warrant last summer (it was a two day festival featuring the likes of Disturbed, Drowning Pool, Mastodon, Anthrax, Motley Crue and Iron Maiden) and Jani Lane actually appologized for giving the world Cherrie Pie and said that playing the song everywhere he goes haunts him. Unfortunatly, they still played the damn song. The real kicker is that some of Warrant’s later work is actually pretty good (as is Uncle Tom’s Cabin from the CP album) They should just have the guts to drop le fromage from the setlist.
My vote goes to Loveshack or anything else from the B-52′s. Neither one of them can sing and that song drives me nuts. Hearing it sung as karaoke is painful.
Sweet Home Alabama annoys me and that Kid Rock butcher job was bad too (but I love Simple Man…especially the Deftones version.)
Brynhildr, was it me being political?
I was trying to answer someone’s question in an absurd manner, that’s all……
A day late and a dollar short here…
“Sailing”. “Sometimes when we touch”. Michael Bolton’s entire output.
Jason, I’m with RNK on the hangover cures. The first one is totally guaranteed: drink as much water as you can before you go to bed, and a little analgesic won’t hurt. I don’t know about twinkies and nipples, though it could be fun under the right circumstances. I know it’s too late for three days ago, but keep it in mind for next time.
Worst music I hear on the radio everyday, now that I live out in “smells like pigshit”-land, rural Ontario:
#1 with a bullet (between the eyes?) Bryan Adams
Other stuff I hate: Rush, Rick Astley, Poison-’member that “Every dog has a bone” song? “Every car has a phone”, or was it just me losing my frickin’ mind…
Gino Vanelli, Celine Dion fer chrissake…
I hate the Canadian content regs, in small market towns, it’s non stop repetition of tedious crap, stuff that should have sunk beneath the waves 30 years ago.
18 till I die, so die, already!
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy – Kenny Chesney
Every time I hear it, I envision my former coworker fornicating with farm machinery, since that was her favorite song and likely her favorite activity. Not enough mental clorox to sear away the pain.
Worst song: Stairway to Heaven also anything sang by Rush.
the worst songs are:
1.The Gummy Bear Song
2.Beer by Psychostick
3.Handlebars by Flobots
4.I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry
5.The Pot by Tool
those songs are horrible theyre very stupid especially handlebars and the pot is very dumb and boring these songs suck!!!!!