The Weekend Through a Blurry Haze
I need some downtime, but it is being denied. I worked on Friday until about 6 pm, and returned at the horrifyingly early hour of 7:30 the next morning. Both are designed to be days off, but were they? No, they were not.
Since I have such a long commute, and need to eeeease into the day, I had to drag my riffled ass out of the sheets at 5 am on Saturday. And my system simply isn’t wired for such things. I almost literally never see the hours between 4 and 8 in the morning.
And I don’t care how long I sleep in anticipation of the terribleness, if I’m forced to wake up during that period of time, that dead zone, it nearly destroys me. On Saturday afternoon, after the coffee and pastry buzz wore off, I felt almost vomitous. And as I was driving home, my car was weaving like I’d just left Penny Till U Pee night at the Bloop ‘Em Down Tavern.
We went for a late Chinese lunch, and I barely remember any of it. I’m pretty sure I had cashew chicken, but that’s only because a large nut fragment dropped out of one of my molars on Sunday.
After polishing off our numbered meals (it doesn’t matter which one you order, they all end up as #2 eventually), we walked around the park. And it was a beautiful fall day… Here are some pics I snapped.
Bourbon season is most definitely in the air!
After the Secrets went to bed Toney and I watched Life on Mars, and I thought it was OK. I was hoping for something a little better than OK, but didn’t get it. Oh well. I’ll give it a couple more weeks, and assess the situation.
Then I tried to watch the next episode of John Adams, and fell asleep. It was my second attempt at watching that particular installment, and blacked-out both times. I’ll try it again next weekend, and hopefully my head won’t start whipping around on my shoulders. Because involuntary head-whipping is leading to a state of Netflix disarray…
Toney let me sleep on Saturday night/Sunday morning, and I stayed konked-out for more than eleven hours. That’s almost double the norm, and it was excellent. I felt great the next day, and was talking everyone down to a smoldering nub. I bet she’ll think twice before allowing me to become fully rested again…
Then I went back to work, and started the cycle all over again. Simply excellent.
But the weird thing… When I woke up on Sunday I had Too Much Joy’s version of LL Cool J’s “That’s a Lie” stuck in my head. WTS? I probably hadn’t heard that song in five years. How does some obscure tune from the distant past suddenly pop into your mind? My brain must’ve been throwing up some crazy-ass flares.
And speaking of work, they brought in a bank of slushy machines last week, and set ‘em up in the break room. They had four different flavors, and we were told to help ourselves.
One was called orange dreamsicle, and that sounded good. I thought it would taste like those orange push-ups we used to buy off the ice cream truck (the Humdinger) as kids. But it was all coconutted-up, for some reason. I don’t know if somebody didn’t clean something properly, or what. But it tasted like a liquefied Almond Joy.
So I tossed it into the garbage, and went back for a blue raspberry. And man, that hit the freakin’ spot.
Throughout the ten-hour shift I downed at least four cups of that stuff, possibly five. And I don’t want to get too graphic, but the next day I did a full bathroom double-take. I’d never seen anything quite like it, and I’ve seen a lot. It was like something used to decorate aquariums.
Yes, it was quite disconcerting. I have very little experience with, you know, the novelty colors. Have you ever had anything like that happen to you? For some reason I’d like to know about it.
And I’d also like to ask for your help with something…
My parents are in Myrtle Beach, and have somehow been given the responsibility of taking care of an elderly man who keeps falling down. He’s an old friend: my folks have known him for years. But his kids live in other states, and have asked my parents to look after the old guy while they’re in town.
I don’t think I’d care for it, but my mother doesn’t understand my feelings on the subject. I mean, isn’t that a lot to ask of people you barely know? I think it’s fairly incredible, but it didn’t seem to even occur to my parents.
Anyway, the old guy has to be careful when he takes a shower, because he’s prone to doing headers into walls, and whatnot. So my Mom was giving him a stern talking-to (I know those lectures well), before he went into the bathroom.
And the man, in a disgusted voice, finally said, “Ahh, to hell with it! I’ll just take a whore’s bath.”
What does that mean?? I’ve never heard that phrase in all my life, and neither have my folks. Are you familiar with it? Help us out with a definition, won’t you?
And what other sayings have you heard people use, that completely baffle you? My Dad has lots of down-homisms, but they’re almost always decipherable. Have you ever heard an elderly person (or anyone for that matter) use a phrase that you just can’t figure out? If so, tell us about it in the comments.
And I’ll leave you now with a whole mess of new Smoking Fish sightings. Right here. Thanks folks, and keep ‘em coming!
Have a great day, my friends.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
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Filed under: Daily
I believe a “whore’s bath” refers to the days when the “customers” would be asked to wash their privates in a basin of water and/or antiseptic prior to sex. As if this would lower the passing of disease. It was also a chance for the prostitute to check out said penis for obvious signs of venereal disease. So I think the old man simply meant he’d stick his dick int he sink. Nice.
I, too, had the blue poop from one too many raspberry slushies. It was quite the spectacle when it happened.
Not to mention that my teeth were stained blue for about 2 days.
I haven’t really been the same since.
I had an interesting one once, and again from raspberries. I was in Germany for work and had had some kind of raspberries and cream thing for dessert. Later on, I thought I was dying when I saw what I had deposited. Started wondering about calling the hotel front desk for a doctor. But I felt OK. Then I remembered the desert.
I was relieved that my guts weren’t coming out.
Any time I have licorice or any deep-purple-colored food or drink (grape flavor, basically), I shit green for 2 days. Crazy.
Joe
A whore bath (as my wife says — no possessive) is just wiping down the important parts with a wet cloth.
Yester day the baby had mustard colored gooey poop with hard, round little turdlets mixed in. Never saw anything like it before.
Oreos can be pretty disconcerting “the day after.”
BTW, top ten!
Top ten and just loving the poo topic. The multi-color poo? that was my cousin on LSD.
My dad used the phrase “whore’s bath” to mean washing with a wet, possibly soapy rag rather than immersing one’s self in a tub of water or standing under running water. I have heard the phrase other places, but my dad was the first source.
I heard my favorite oddball phrase when I was a kid working in an auto garage. Occasionally you’d hear one of the older guys holler, “My, my, my, bubba!” drawn out and with a lot of top spin. Literally translated, it meant that an attractive woman available for ogling.
I used to take these blue pills, like geltabs, and they’d turn my poop green. It scared me to death the first time it happened. All I could think was “cancer”.
When someone is wearing baggy pants my grandfather says, “It looks like a family of Mexicans moved out of the ass end of your pants.”
I’ve also heard him mention a “French Bath”, which is where one uses a washrag to clean under the arms and maybe around the crotch.
My grandmother often says, “My aching back!” where others would say, “Good God!” or “WTF?”
10!
Beets. Too many beets and the following morning my first peek-in-the-bowl-post-poop thought is “OMFG! My liver!”. Then I remember all the beets.
DOH !!!!
We use a whore’s bath in reference to just applying deodorant and cologne (perfume) instead of showering.
Around these parts (”Miss’sippi,” as our “guvner” says) a whore’s bath is taking a washcloth to p—-y, t-ts, and armpits. See, it even rhymes. I just can’t type it all out. I’m blushing even now.
I think spraying on some PERfume or cologne is involved as well.
What the hell does “23-Skidoo!” mean? I think old people used to use it back in the depression era. Uh, the previous depression era I mean.
I usually hear a whore’s shower called a “bum shower.”
I took some vitamins for a little while that turned my piss neon green. Very strange. Then one day I tried taking them, and I just threw them right back up. The ol’ body was having nothing to do with them, and I haven’t taken vitamins since.
Whores Bath…Tits..Pits and A$$
The Wal-Mart brand grape drink turns the whole family’s poo a shocking green. I think they are trying to conduct radiation experiments on the poor. When the truth comes out, I’ll be rich!
Back in my Air Force days and my early 20s… too many Jell-O shots always made for quite the rainbow the next day…
Once, I had to take a series of antibiotics. The pills were brown, but everything came out bright orange! That was quite a surprise!
When my dad wanted to put someone down, they were “lower than whale shit on the bottom of the ocean”.
Blue yogurt does that to The Peanut. The fiest time I changed her diaper and found kelly green poop was a bit of a surprise.
Here’s a conversation I had with an old guy at a former job-
Old guy: This place is deader than Kelsey’s nuts.
Me: Who the hell is Kelsey?
Old guy: Hahahahahaha!
booberry makes my shit turn green…. and lumpy. it looks like goat crap, only like a deep glowing tuquoise…
for real fun tell someone that AZO [available at wallmart] kidney pills are nessary for hangover
red or bright orange pee rather shocking to drunks
not to mention un explained undie staining
I drank some blue liqueur one night and had a blue doo the next day. Shocking. Also, the previously mentioned AZO (I tend to have bladder infections) will turn pee bright orange. When I was trying to up my milk supply for breastfeeding, I took the herb Fenugreek. It makes your pee and armpits smell like maple syrup, but doesn’t turn anything funny colors.
The missus is taking fenugreek but I haven’t woken up with any urges for pancakes. Weird.
I worked one summer in a plumbing and heating shop with an old guy who’s favorite expression was “Frogshit sailor, the sea’s on fire”. I don’t know why but it cracked me up every time he used it.
Lucky Charms = green poop
All I need to say is Asparagus! Nuff said!!!
@ Greg, that’s low but not as low as the the critters that got stuck under the whale shit at the bottom of the ocean.
Eat an entire bag of Twizlers, some will escape the digestion machine and scare the literal crap out of you the next day.
23 Skidoo -an American slang phrase from the 1920s or British post-punk, ethnic fusion and industrial music band or what Michael Jordan does on the court. Just joking! For the horses mouth, 23 skidoo is an American slang phrase popularized in the early twentieth century, first appearing before World War I and becoming popular in the Roaring Twenties. It generally refers to leaving quickly, being forced to leave quickly by someone else or taking advantage of a propitious opportunity to leave, that is, “getting [out] while the getting’s good.”
Whores used to gather around a water trough, and scrub their naughty bits with a handkerchief. They used the water from the trough to cleanse their money holes. This was up until May, 16 2008 when our city moved the trough to an undisclosed location.
Crayons do weird things to poop. As the mother of two former toddlers, I can speak from experience here.
Y’all nailed the whore’s bath thang. Wipey, squirty, let’s do the dirty!
Or something.
raisins re-hydrate in diapers
Is that part of a haiku?
tiff - you should try day glow crayons and a black light.
Whore bath is just cleaning the stinky bits with a wet washcloth because you are running late and don’t have time for the whole shebang.
My little ’secrets’ haven’t eaten any crayons yet - I almost look forward to rainbow doody. Getting tired of standard brown/green.
How about “beyond the pale…?” I looked it up and the explanation of its origin is both long and boring. I heard John McCain use it the other day, and it does date from the 1700’s, so it kind of makes sense that he’s using it.
Dan, be nice now, he’s not that old. I’d say at least mid 1800’s
“You lied and a bodybuilder kicker your butt …
If you was in Egypt you would lie to King Tut ! ”
Obscure, perhaps, but undeniably fun and catchy. I was actully listening to this song last week - - See, I’ve only got a cassette player in my car… plus music sucks so far this century.
I still have “Doomsday Clock” spin’n round my head. I can’t watch Transformers any more because I keep hearing that song.
Drill sergeant to troops heading off to showers: “Wash yer whole ass, not just yer asshole.”
Me: “Wuh?”
It was a fascinating couple of months.
John McCain said “beyond the pail” - as in when he dies soon and that jesusfreak nutter woman takes over - i.e. after he’s kicked the bucket/pail.
Whore’s bath = pits and pubes.
Once when I was a daycare director, the toddlers all had Cookie Monster cupcakes with bright blue frosting. They all had goose poops in their diapers the next day. Very disconcerting.
family down road[i live in wv] used to call it a ”pta bath”
or, lers see, the ”cleaned up ”version the letters stood for ,
p***, t*ts, and armpits
Other kristin - that’s a reminder of Thing 1’s first birthday, where cupcakes with deep blue frosting were on offer.
BLACK poop the next day. Pure, midnight black, alternating with regular colored crap.
Awesome.
On Confusing Terminology:
Yeah, on this site, as a matter of fact. Maybe 9 months to a year ago Jeff posted a link to a hilarious segment from the Phil Hendrie show. It was the one about the old guy who was insising that his rock song that he wrote be played at the big dance at the youth center. Anyway, a couple of times during that show the phrase “from hunger” was used. Based on context I figured it meant something along the lines of calling someone ignorant or stupid, but I had never heard it before, and I’ve never heard it since. It must be an old-person thing.
On Strangely Colored Waste:
Yep. I take vitamins from GNC that are pre=packaged for people who work out. They’re not your standard Centrums. They come in a pack of about 5 different pills, and I take a pack on the days I plan on going to the gym.
Welp, one of those pills in that pack make my pee bright green. Not grass green, but that annoying neon green that was everywhere in the 80’s. It looks like I swallowed a highlighter. It’s very strange. I’ve actually called people into the bathroom to look at my piss, which is otherwise unheard of.
One of these days I’m going to take a blacklight to it and see what happens.
I’ve always heard Mexican Shower, which to hear the late George Carlin say it, you only have four key areas to keep clean. Armpits, Asshole, crotch, and teeth.
Jason,
I hope you bought all the GM stock you could handle –
up 30% from Friday’s quote.
A “whore’s bath” was a term the GI’s in wwII used to refer to the limited bathing you could get from a half-helmet-full of water.
From the Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=whore%27s+bath) quickly washing the crotch and underarms as a quick way to get ready for sex.
Either way it means that you don’t fully wash yourself…..
I was forced to take a whore’s bath last Thursday when my alarm clock malfunctioned. And it does make you feel like a whore.
Folks, does TMI ring a bell?
and you wonder why Jeff has issues with using public restrooms…
@ Tony Tony Tony
I thought a Mexican shower was a bar of soap and rain water. But here a couple of options.
a quick alternative to an actual shower, by applying enough cologne, perfume, and/or deodorant to cover up any funky smelling body odor.
To strip naked in a public washroom and proceed to wash yourself with toilet water, using a urinal mint as soap.
Hey Jeff, I sent you some photos did you get them?
My mom used to make red velvet cake, which was delish but could have some shocking aftereffects. And yeah, once my dog ate my big box of crayons. Technicolor poops.
Big K Grape Soda will make your doodoo a deep blue.
“Whore’s Bath” was a regular phrase that my dad used all the time. I always took it to mean just washing the face, hands, and naughty bits…
For the over 40 crowd here…”Don’t be such a Wisenheimer!” Never understood who “Wisenheimer” was, but that phrase was heard frequently by smartass kids growing up in the 50 and 60s.
Ditto other kristin. Pits & crotch. And a spritz of cologne. To me I think of a “Deadwood” kinda time.
harumpa… You were close my friend
You missed it only by one
Not a problem though.
Old sayings?…”That one” No…wait! Sorry.
Enquiring minds need to know: why do you yall examine your poop?
someone just told a story on their blog about their kid biting a glow stick (they’re non-toxic) and pooping dayglow green the next day. Awesome!
I always heard a “whore’s bath” was the quick wipe of the stinky bits, whereas a “French shower” was a drenching with cologne.
Or maybe in Cologne?
*shrug*
“Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails? Whores bath? Personally, before I’m on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how’s your father!”
OK people, take it from an ex-sailor. A whores bath is a quick wash up of all the hidden areas (pits and splits) after ‘eh um’ the ‘nasty’ so she can get on along to the next customer. Witnessed it to many times to count but that it is what is is. Yes, was a horny little devil back in the day but I have repented and now I’m just a horny sinner. Damn, now I’m gonna have to crack open another bottle of Evan. Must be the bourbon in the air.
A french shower and an Irish shower are the same thing a quick rub down of the naughty bits and half a bottle of perfume.
I always called a whore’s bath and body bath????where did I get that phrase? which is actually the same thing as above.
I dont have odd colored poo. ….feelin’ kinda left out.
I am going to go and eat some blue razz slupee
Cartoon,
I’m all over it. And I’ve already sold half of it. 30% is too much for me to pass up in a day or two. I’ll buy back in when it gets over $8 a share.
Pagan - you DON’T? You just blindly flush? Bet you don’t look at your boogers after you blow either.
As for me…most of my experience examining poop comes from changing hunderds of diapers back in the day. Can’t hardly NOT look at it.
Pagan,
You should always examine your poop because it’s a great way of predicting the future. Pay attention to the shapes. If it’s shaped like a seahorse it could mean that you’re going to the sea soon, on a horse, and so on.
My son works at a snowcone stand that I frequent….I have a different color poo for every day of the week!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!
Still in Florida, still on the Rest and Relaxation mode. Not as hot nor humid as it was, which is a bit of relief. Just surfing around, thought I’d stop in and say “wassup?”
From Central Florida, this is JCIII reporting….
Around our house it’s a ‘cat bath’ when you use the cloth on the hidden bits and a ‘whore’s bath’ when you just brush your teeth and spritz the scent.
J, Suggest to your parents that they get their elderly friend a shower stool so that he can sit down when he bathes.
Jason, you are so full of crap it hurts me to laugh
Speaking of the raspberry shits… I have a pet parrot who loves sweet stuff. He loves Twizzlers, and of course they make him shit red. Next time I’m buying a multiflavor pack and see if I can make him shit the rainbow!
Maybe he said a “horse bath” with, like, you know, a curry brush?!