The Way We Live Nowadays
I took that picture, this morning between 1:30 and 2:00. No, not from inside the shower. It was the view through the driver’s side window of my car, as I sat around in the middle of the night, like a high-douche, waiting for the bullet-proof ice shell to loosen up a bit.
As I was leaving work a security guard said, “Be careful out there. It’s pretty shitty.” And his assessment of the situation was right on the money. Shitty, it most certainly was.
The sidewalk outside the door was a highly-polished sheet of ice, and I had to walk like I was smuggling butt-eggs in order not to fall. The parking lot was also slick and crunchy, but not as many people had walked in the same area, so it wasn’t quite as treacherous.
It was raining hard pellets at this point, and the whole world was encased in crystal clear ice. If I hadn’t been facing a drive home in it, I probably would’ve thought everything looked really cool. But, under the circumstances: no.
My car had a hard protective coating on it, at least an inch thick. I pulled on the passenger side door, and it wouldn’t budge. What the? I tugged harder, trying to remain conscious of the slickness beneath me, and the door exploded from its state of suspended animation.
Big plates of ice went flying in every direction.
I put my notebook and snack sack on the seat, and grabbed my military-grade ice scraper off the passenger-side floor. And with the very first scraping motion, I knew it was going to be much more complicated than that. It was almost literally impenetrable.
I egg-walked around to the driver’s side, played tug of war with that door, and got inside. I started the engine, turned the heater as high as it would go, set it so it would blow directly onto the glass, and activated the network of heat-wires in the back window.
Then I got back out and tried to scrape again. And it’s weird… The rear of the car, and the passenger side, weren’t too bad. I could apply a little pressure, and great sections of ice would bust loose. It wasn’t really scraping, it was more like prying.
But the windshield and driver’s side were a mess. The inch-thick layer of ice had become part of the car. I literally couldn’t cut through it.
And why does that happen? Why is there always bad sides of a frozen car, and not-so-bad sides? There wasn’t much wind out there, so I don’t think that was the reason. I’m sure some of you can school me on it…
So, I had few options, and decided to just get in the car and wait for it to heat up a little. Then maybe I could make some progress.
I listened to George Noory, and his “everything’s going to hell” guest of the hour. This one was talking about the impending explosion of Yellowstone Park, and how it will lead to the extinction of the human race. Or somesuch.
Finally, after about fifteen minutes (fifteen real minutes, not fifteen tall-tale minutes), I noticed the ice at the bottom of the windshield was starting to go a little wobbly. So, I got out and was able to clean the rest of it off.
And as I was working I heard a supervisor, way off on the other side of the parking lot, holler, “This is bullshit! FUCK!!”
Finally I was moving, and the roads were horrible. Until I reached the interstate the rear of my car wanted to trade places with the front. The highway was a little better, but only the right lane, where previous vehicles had cut a path through the mess.
I don’t think I ever made it up to 50 mph during the entire journey, and didn’t get home until 3:10. I’d left my job at 1:40, and live 36 miles away. Grrr…
The sidewalk in front of our house has a few down-steps in it, and I didn’t trust any of it. I had visions of a cartoon character slipping on ice, fully inverted, with his feet above his head. So I walked through the yard, with my feet turned sideways, like skis.
I finally reached the front door, without blowing my neck open, and Andy exploded from the house. He was wild, and took off running in some random direction. Funk dat, I said. If he’s gone, he’s gone. I’m not chasing that crazy hound in this crap.
But, of course, he returned a short time later. Coming from the opposite direction, I noticed… Wonder if he ran all the way around the world? It’s possible, I think. Black Lips was moving.
I shed my coat, slipped into some ’80s sweatpants, flopped down in front of my computer, and popped the top on a Yuengling Lager. Then another.
I finally crawled into bed at 4:20, almost three hours after I’d left work, and Toney’s alarm went off ten minutes later. It was time for her to start the day, as I was drifting off to sleep for the “night.”
And that’s the way we live nowadays.
Filed under: Daily
1st?
2!!!
2nd!
2nd!?
Holy crap I’m glad I live in the south.
I’ve been in that kind of situation before, and always wind up coverd in a flop sweat, about crying with frustration and fear within 20 minutes.
cinco!!!!!
Can’t say I have much experience with ice. It’s 65 degrees today, and has threatened to hit 80 earlier in the week.
Nice, top 5.
And those kinds of storms are cool as long as you;re not planning on leaving the house and the powerlines don;t snap from the wright.
Stupid system! shoulda come down and checked here b4 reading.
There was a sheet of ice here this morn too.
I would rather get 3 feet of snow than 1/8″ of ice.
Um – something ate my earlier comment.
Bastards.
Also – the further evidence link? Yowch.
Just a guess, but I would say that regardless of the wind at ground-level, storm systems move. This causes precipitation to move as well. The side of the vehicle facing the system would logically receive more precipitation than the side looking at its ass-end…but what the hell do I know?
never mind. the earlier comment is back. LOVE haloscan!
You’re welcome to that ice nonsense; it’s 50-odd degrees here in Chemical Valley. Unfortunately, it’s raining both outside and inside the house.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
~that’s the nice thing about older dogs versus younger pups. If they take off, no need to go chasing. They’ll be back shortly. They know where the food is, the warm couch, the biscuits, etc. etc.
They’re too old and tire too easily to go on a full blown neighborhood rampage.
I need to read this every time I start wishing I lived in a state that actually has four seasons.
High today is 60′s, 70 tomorrow. I think I’ll stay.
No ice down here in Alabamie. But we had another ‘em ‘effin moonsoon yesterday. My back room flooded. At least it’s not raining today.
I love it when the weather goes to shit and everything shuts down!
But that rarely happens here in the tropics of Charleston West BY GOD Virginia. Maybe there is something to the “chemical bubble of heat” bullshit I’ve always heard, due to the location of Carbide, etc…
It could be snowing 6ft Snowmen all around but it would be raining here! As a now famous Supervisor once said, “This is bullshit! FUCK!!”
I couldn’t get to the further evidence link from work… Reason for restriction: Forbidden Category “Pornography”
Now I’m extra curious.
68° and cloudy today. Back up into the 70′s this weekend. I think winter forgot about Florida this year.
We got that ice a couple days ago here in WI and it sucks. What really makes it even worse is that I slipped AND FELL on it in the grocery store parking lot.
The worst part is not the falling, but all the people who see you go down. I’d rather be bleeding from the head than have someone actually see me!
I’m ready for summer.
Brandy – three words:
butt plug gallery
“Brandy – three words:
butt plug gallery”
Oh, Tiff . . . you had us at butt.
My husband asked me the very same question yesterday after he released his car from it’s three sided ice prison.
Speaking of the Pants Wearer, around 2 AM last night I coughed a little too loudly and he suddenly shot out of bed ala Black Lips Houlihan. Within minutes he was in the shower, getting ready for work….four hours too early. Apparently he interpreted my cough as something from my “get the fuck outta bed already” arsenal.
The evil side of me almost let it go, just to see how far he would get before he realized it wasn’t 6 in the morning. But eventually I hauled a very grumpy husband out of the shower and back into bed. Damn holiday hours, screwing with the internal clock. Somebody press the reset button already!
The La Crosse thingie in my office says it’s 57.7 degrees outside right now with a 20.3 mph breeze. Supposed to be cooler tonight for the first time in days. Been tough sleeping at night what with the flannel sheets and all. Sometimes living up there in the Frozen North seems pretty attractive except I doubt this one could drive in any kind of ice at all. You know how we folks from Georgia go absolutely crazy at any mention of anything freezing anywhere near a highway.
I had the car-completely-frozen-over problem last month. I read on some website that if you spray a mix of water and vinegar on your windows at night then they won’t freeze over in the morning. The one time I tried it it snowed the next day, so I couldn’t see if it worked. I left the spray bottle on the floor of my car and it leaked, so now I have a nice vinegar air freshener thing going on. When I went to spray the next night, the mixture was a big chunk of ice in the bottle. Has anyone ever heard or had any luck with this precautionary method? Doesn’t make much sense that an “antifreeze” would freeze in the bottle like that–maybe I mixed it wrong…
“and I had to walk like I was smuggling butt-eggs in order not to fall”
Another one for the classics.
What sort of shitty ass job does Toney have that requires her to get out of bed at 4:30 in the god dammed AM?!??!?! Seriously, the earliest I’ve ever had to get up on a regular basis was 5:30 and that was in the military (and on the rare occasions when some gung ho fuck suggested we start earlier, we quickly made his life so miserable that he found somewhere else better to be).
As for the patina of ice covering your car, I experience this phenomenon about once every 2 weeks as I live in the region of Southern Ontario referred to as the “Snow Belt”. I offer the following suggestions:
1) Check your heater – 5 minutes should have cleared your windshield, or at least melted it enough so the whole sheet of ice could be slid off in one piece. It should be blowing hot air in under 5 or there’s something wrong.
2) Try running your AC when on defrost as it clears the windshield faster. In Canada (and other cold places) the AC runs automatically when you use defrost (most people never even realize it). I don’t know about cars sold in the U.S., so you can turn it on manually just to be sure.
3) Invest in a remote car starter (about $200 installed): Start your car from the front door, go back inside for a few minutes, and come out to find a pre-warmed and defrosted car. You may still have to scrape a bit, but not much.
No ice – No shift work and I like it like that.
the forecast for tonight: 2 degrees.
2!
and i’m spending it outside playing hockey. because i am crazy and dumb.
Butt Plug Gallery..now THAT’S a great band name!!!
I remember when I was at the North Avenue Trade School (GA Tech) in Atlanta in 1972 and we had the grand mother of all ice storms. 2-3 inches of solid ice (Macon, GA got about 15 inches of snow!). We stayed up all night partying. The city shut down completely, of course. Oddly enough, the campus only lost power for about 30 minutes. My ex-girlfriends house in the suburbs was without power for at least two weeks. Good times.
@Tyrosine – You know, that early morning prep time, makeup, get the kids off to school, drink a pot of coffee, etc. I just saw one off those Remote Starters at Costco for $39 and it says it works up to 1000ft away. They are no more difficult to install than a car stereo.
And the groupies could be the Butt Eggs.
2 Tall – there is already a band called Butthole Surfers. That would be way to close.
Maybe they could be a BHS cover band. Gibby would approve, I’m sure.
There’s already a band called “The Buttfuckers”.
Opening for Pink Mist, it’s Buttplug Gallery!
Yeah, that’ll be an all-ages show.
I used to have sheet-ice days in Michigan, and don’t miss ‘em one little bit. I think there are scrapers around, but they’re not in the car… and I haven’t held a snow shovel in 14 months.
/gloat over
@Shiny Rod: When I quoted $200 I was assuming Jeff would have to pay a mechanic to do it for him. Far be it from me to tarnish his image, but after reading these pages for many years I don’t get he impression that Jeff is particularly “mechanically inclined” (if you get my drift).
Oh, BTW: The butt plug gallery reminds me of a former tenant. She moved out of her unit and left the place a complete mess: full of garbage, abandoned furniture, carpets wrecked, etc. Her parents co-signed her lease, so we contacted them about the damages. They wanted to tour the place to confirm the damage, so I let them take a look. The dad was a complete dick and argued about everything. When we got to what had been his daughter’s bedroom we found a bag of sex toys (including a HUGE butt plug) amongst the mess. I turned to her dad and said “she must have been in a hurry if she left that behind”. He cut me a cheque for all damages 5 minutes later.
Ice in my neck of NC means nobody goes nowhere, no exceptions…
Ice, which we get once or twice a year where I live in Texas, means that people continue to drive exactly the same, except maybe sideways or going the wrong direction. No one seems to even slow down. That scares the crap out of me; I trust MY driving but nt theirs. You haven’t lived until you see a 1988 Chevy Silverado with a longhorn rack on the roof come hurling at you at a diagonal.
They don’t fare much better on snow. Once we got 1/4 inch of snow and within 2 hours there were 106 accidents. 106! It too the local wreckers over a week to pull every car out.
Butt Magazine! It’s not a blog damn it!
Tyrosine we are almost neighbours! except like superman I have “escarpment” protection! The first (and last!) time I installed a remote starter, sat in the house enjoying my morning cup of Folgers as I idly watched the next door neighbours kid go Barrell -assing out of my driveway at a 100 miles an hour!!!!!
Be careful people:)
A play on Yesterday’s Movie tagline: Ice? Ice? We don need no stinkin Ice!!
Went out for Christmas cheer with the boss and some co-workers on Dec 23rd. I didn’t want to get messed up in front of da boss so I left after two vodka n cranberries. It was mayhem around the mall so I went the roundabout way home. It was sheer ice. I saw 15 wrecks on one road. I called them and warned them about the conditions but no one called me back. Drove about 20 mph. I had to go ass backward to avoid any hills. Took me over an hour for a 10 min drive, Everywhere I looked was cars facing the wrong way, cars off the road, you get what I’m saying. If I had taken the mall route there was a 34 car pile up…gulp. A person actually was killed in the mess. Was I glad to get home!
I always thought a good metal band name would be “Alloy”
pagan,
I want to understand your story, so I can laugh. But I don’t get it. Are you saying that you somehow started your neighbor kid’s car and caused it to take off at 100mph? Are you saying that the neighbor kid climbed in your already started car and took off? What?
Please explain so that I can laugh. Until then, I’ll sit here with a grimace on my face. Thanks.
We had over 3 feet of snow here in Vancouver over the Christmas holidays. The local newspapers headline…SNOWMAGEDDON!
Now it’s just raining and raining and flooding and flooding. They are calling for more snow this weekend. Ugh.
Smuggling butt-eggs. Thats funny as hell.
Jason, The neighbour’s kid (about 15) was on his way to the school bus, saw my car sat there empty with the engine running, and just could not resist! 15 min & about $1500 fender damage later the OPP(Our local smokies) returned said kid & said car! The crap hit the fan when I didn’t want to press charges!(His dad is the size of Mt Rushmore!) man that makes cops mad!
remote starters dont work that way,must have been installed wrong. they have a override that shuts off the engine the second you touch the brake without having the key in the ignition and turned on. jeff it is worth the money to have a remote start winter AND summer just make damn sure it is installed right
Pagan,
Thank you. Now I can laugh.
HAHAHA What a delight! HAHAHA
Okay, here is an automotive tip from someone living 100 miles south of the Arctic Circle (Nome, Alaska).
Prestone makes windshield de-icer. It comes in a yellow can and has a plastic ice scraper molded onto the top of the can. It’s like $4 here in Nome. Keep a can in your house or carry it in your briefcase/backpack at work. If you wanna go cheap, just pour some rubbing alcohol over the ice encrusted windows…it works just about as well.
Lesson 2: Getting into a freezing rain encrusted car. Go to an auto body shop supply store and ask for a dent pulling hook. Or go to an ice skating rink and but a skate lace puller (a hook used by hockey players to pull their laces really, really tight).
Wrap the tip of whichever device you buy with a small piece of duct tape, insert under the crack of the door opening somewhere near the door handle, and pull gently, but firmly. It should break the ice loose on the first or second try.
…A helpful hint from a surf reporter in the northern, western, and even easternmost state in America!
Okay, here is an automotive tip from someone living 100 miles south of the Arctic Circle (Nome, Alaska).
Prestone makes windshield de-icer. It comes in a yellow can and has a plastic ice scraper molded onto the top of the can. It’s like $4 here in Nome. Keep a can in your house or carry it in your briefcase/backpack at work. If you wanna go cheap, just pour some rubbing alcohol over the ice encrusted windows…it works just about as well.
Lesson 2: Getting into a freezing rain encrusted car. Go to an auto body shop supply store and ask for a dent pulling hook. Or go to an ice skating rink and buy a skate lace puller (a hook used by hockey players to pull their laces really, really tight).
Wrap the tip of whichever device you buy with a small piece of duct tape, insert under the crack of the door opening somewhere near the door handle, and pull gently, but firmly. It should break the ice loose on the first or second try.
…A helpful hint from a surf reporter in the northern, western, and even easternmost state in America!
…oh, and if you have a car older than 5 years or so, at the start of winter, go out and rub a light coating of Vaseline around the rubber door seals. It help keeps water from getting between the seals and freezing the doors shut.
Wow, am I glad I moved to Phoenix! I don’t miss the ice storms of the midwest. Yuk!
I find it hysterical that in today’s Further Evidence Jeff commented on a discussion about butt plugs by challenging a hesitant homosexual to man-up and go for it!!!! That’s too funny.
clint,
Ice, alchahol and vaseline, what kind of relationship do you have with that car of yours?
I sit and try to figure out where the “further evidence” comes from. I think I can kind of understand that a Google of “Butt egg” might get you to “butt plug”… Jeff, sometimes you plain ole scare me.
pagan – I would have had that kid ass fried and handed to me on a platter. Stealing a car is equal to horse theft in my book. A hanging offense. How did he get into the car? You don’t have to unlock the car to start it so that would mean that he broke into the vehicle which is theft. That is why the cops were pissed at you. If you had left the car unlocked, it would have been just joy riding. Same goes for leaving the keys in the ignition. Remember folks, this is not the law in all states.
My own theory on the difference in ice thickness/stuckness from one side of the car to the other involves which side the sun shined on more or more recently. But would this effect linger into the godawful hours of the night Jeff is getting out of work? Maybe a combination of the sun effect and metten’s directional storm front theory…
In a related note, is it a coincidence the Coen brothers had Jerry Lundegaard in Fargo smile as his life and plans steadily turned to shit all around him, but finally snap while scraping an ice-crusted windshield? I think not. I recreate that scene at least once a week throughout the winter, only sometimes for fun.
J Shifty I was thinking the same thing. Wind has nothing to do with water freezing.
In a follow-up, during lunch I stumbled upon the security camera footage of Jeff getting out of work last night:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3McfrgMN8EM
And that, my friends, is why I live in Corpus Christi, Texas….it’s a beautiful sunny day today and 83 degrees……..ahhhhhhhh
I beg to differ about wind freezing water. It is wind that makes bridges freeze faster than roads.
i thought bridges froze faster because they didn’t have the ground insulating them from below… i might be dumb, though. it’s still up for debate.
Bridges should have those thick rags that hang down at car washes attached to them. Make them go down until they’re just above the water. The boats could still push through, and it would be a lot of fun. Sometimes you could have a surprise waiting on the other side. Maybe a waterfall or something like that.
And they could have messages written on the rags for the benefit of the boat captains. “Only dopes smoke dope while they float. Mmmkay?”
Wow. I off to the patent office. Again.
It’s supposed to read, “I’m off to the patent office again.” Frick.
I don’t know about Jerry but this got the ice off my windshield lickety split.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0qN6zQ3rFY
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
was really looking forward to an update today *sigh*
@Jason – being a boat owner and captain, I don’t think that would work out to well. Might tend to muck things up a bit due to those who seem to not follow the rule of N0-WAKE when passing under a bridge.
I really enjoy these more frequent updates.
Shiny Rod,
I know what you’re trying to do. You’re telling me it’s a bad idea so that you can beat me to the patent office. Not going to work. Not this time. Besides, the wake problem will be corrected by my patented little floats that are attached to the end of each hang down rag.
Shiny Rod, Thank you…that was the best 3:18 of my work day.