We Need More Cable TV!
Yesterday I joked about wanting a cable channel that shows only the human interest stories about Olympic athletes, and leaves out all the actual competition.
This got me to thinking about other ideas for cable networks I’ve cooked-up through the years. I tried to collect them together, and have almost certainly forgotten a few. But here are the ones I can instantly recall:
The Choking Channel Nothing but people choking on food, twenty-four hours a day.
RaveTV Repetitive, thumping technocrap blaring at all times, the screen functioning as a giant strobe light. …Of course, we’d have to do some advance testing, to make sure it wouldn’t destroy plasma screen TVs and/or trigger grand mal seizures.
Weather Forecast Classic Random weather forecasts, lifted from local TV news broadcasts over the past forty years. Almost all would be for uneventful days, when nothing out of the ordinary happened.
The Pet Alone Network A channel for pets that are home alone. Open fields, walks around interesting neighborhoods, car rides, jowly senior citizens spooning on the praise… I think it would be a hit.
The Off Channel For people who get anxious and nervous when the TV is turned off, but occasionally need a little peace and quiet. It would be completely silent, and the screen would be black – except for the comforting Off Channel logo in the lower right-hand corner.
So there you go. Those are but a few of my ideas for new cable networks. And now it’s your turn.
Please leave your suggestions in the comments.
Filed under: Daily
I’m in favor of an “All Commercials All the Time” channel. This is for people who have an attention span of a goldfish or where crappy commercials go to die. Either way it’s a win-win situation.
holy shit! i logged on at 6 AM as usual and found a new update. what the hell’s going on Jeff?
plus!!!!!!! FIRST, suckers!
The First Channel: A channel that puts up blank pages at random times so people to text in “First!” and get to see their name up on screen ahead of all the others.
FIRST!
second! Jeff – you have waaay toomuch time on your hands.
where is everybody?
The Cheese Channel — People from all over the world enjoying various cheeses that are not native to their own regions. No one knows why.
I have a kinda weird idea…what a bout a channel that only shows music videos!? 24×7..oh wait they already tried that and some how they managed to screw it up!
How about a cable channel where they throw random shit off a high tower and watch it explode.
It would be very popular with all kids as well as a certain portion of the adult male population.
Strange. I’m slightly less miserable today. I must’ve moved back away from NEPA.
i NEED the further evidence to change…. i spend most of my life waiting for the wonderous new horror to be exposed!
oh ya and…
The Coin Flip Channel
it would be a hand flipping a coin over and over so you could base your life decisions on it
Wasn’t there a channel that played nothing but footage of puppies & kittens playing 24 hours a day?
Maybe I’m mis-remembering…
By the way, Jeff, after reading your Behind the Scenes post about the video you helped your son to make, I had a heaping helping of Bush’s Original Baked Beans in your honor.
So far there have been no ill aftereffects.
Oh, the BunkerCam ™ is not working today.
An error message is displayed:
” Not Found
Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn’t here.”
The totally pissed off people channel.
24/7 broadcast of Sam Kinnison-ish episodes, prople going off all red faced and such.
Prople AND people too!
A channel that spews government propaganda the likes of Orwell’s “1984″. Oh, we have that ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and FOX.
Better, a channel that looks like an aquarium with tropical fish swimming around, and don’t forget the hum of the air pump and the little bubble sounds and occasional splash.
I’m disappointed that you didn’t list the Fart Channel.
How about the Jeff Kay channel. A 24 hour following of our wonderful leader.
How about a travel channel that doesn’t show poker all the time?
The Afternoon Nap Channel, for those like to lie on the sofa and rest their eyes after lunch. If it was my channel it would have Antiques Roadshow and live golf in heavy rotation, all low whispering voices and there would be no loud shouty adverts allowed. I don’t want to be woken up by “NEW HEAD-ON, APPLY DIRECTLY WHERE IT HURTS!”
I’m Tivoing all the HD Olympics coverage so I can skip all the crap, including the Hallmark-Channel-style profiles of the athletes.
How about a music channel that shows music videos. Banned would be all rap and ghetto music sung by people who all have lisps because of there grillz and wonky teefs, a requirement to be on this channel would be pants that are securely fastened around the waist and shoes that actually fit. No ass cracks or poop stained underwear showing, not tig ol bitties in tiny tube tops or wife beaters, no vag tags flag waving. Short mini skirts or 8 inch heels. No more Strip Club fashions at 10:30 in the am. Just normal rock and roll played by normal people who haven’t been ghettoed or swam though gallons of black mascara and eyeliner. Seriously!!
I want my MTV, circa 1984, before Yo MTV Raps.
G4 TV already has “Hurl!”, the game show.
I like the idea of the ‘Food choking channel” – esecially if some of the participants are female, attractive, and in the 19-22 age group !!
How about the Global Warming Fiction Channel. It could show icebergs breaking up, seas rising and the end of life as we know it. Oh, Jebus…how did I forget about ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and FOX!!
The dominoes channel.
I’m all about that nap channel. I’d like 6 hours of nothing but the dearly departed Bob Ross painting and talking about fluffy white clouds. That man helped me nap in college when nothing else could.
How about the Paint Drying Channel, the highlight is every 6 hrs a new color is applied.
The Grass Growing Channel, after 3 weeks or so it can be mowed and start all over again.
Chinese Water Toture Channel, Weekly special to include a live “guest”, Otherwise just water slowly dripping onto the lens.
How about the Beer Channel: Mugs being filled with frothy goodness and slid down the bar to a waiting hand, Tops gracefully popped from sweating bottles. MMMMMM!
The Spurt Channel – nothing but spurting geysers (in any and all forms).
A feel good station called the public execution channel.
Nothing but death penalties enforced 24 hours a day. All methods from around the world. They could even include Hallmark-Channel-style profiles of the convicts before their final conclusion.
Hey, don’t knock “finger flick” football.
My brother and 2 of his college roommates were the National Table Top Football Champions about 15 years ago.
They went to the actual Superbowl in Miami, hospitality suites, the whole VIP thing.
Good Morning Surf Reporters!!
The International Scrabble Channel…….. interesting because of all the foreign words you won’t be able to find in a standard unabridged English dictionary, thus rendering one useless in challenging the spelling(s).
Toll Booth Television…. 24/7 CCTV coverage of various boof operators working the tolls of bridges, turnpikes and parking garages.
Landfill TV……. Hourly updates and reports as the latest loads from Hoboken, Philadelphia and Wilmington, Delaware are deposited at the dump.
I like the off channel idea
One of the good channels I’ve seen showed a live aquarium with gold fishes. … it turns your tv into an aquarium. plus they would play music. I saw this in Fernie B.C. … i wish we had it here.
The Walmart Greeter channel, we can sit in the comfort of our own homes while watching the horror of shoppers.
The Customer Service Department Show, exposing different stores and how they deal with complaints and returns.
This Is How the World Sees your Ass where they film ordinary people walking down the street. (this might help with my diet, so they can show it on the foodnetwork)
The Rant Channel where anybody can have 60 seconds to have a full out bitch session about anything. Perhaps even a telephone in poll to decided if they should shut the hell up or have a legitimate gripe.
Very strange development in the comments! I was 1st for a few hours!
Peeps Parade….an endless loop of a fat kid eating Peeps.
Wheeze Off, Sneeze Off….competitive allergy attacks.
America’s Funniest eBayers….from selling all your cheating ex’s junk in a mystery box to juvenile sniping in the feedback section (“You’re a toilet bug!” “I am NOT a toilet bug!”), this show has all the thrills, chills, and spills from your favorite online auction site!
i woul love to have a channel where I can watch fish swim. They can have different channels for different kinds of tanks, salt water tank, a fresh water tank. It would be so relaxing.
I would also like a channel that looked like a fire place. Just watchingthe flames. I miss that living in Fl. Never really need a fire here. Just the flames and no heat.
I agree on a music video channel. Not only did they screw it up once but like, 5 times!!! Vh1, and all their channels dont play musci and MTV has 2 channels that are just shows with spoiled kids on them. I hate it.
Video killed the music channel
The Choking Channel would probably be the most watched channel on television. Plus, it’s so easy that anyone can do it!
Quick question though for Jeff… I’m getting a tattoo tomorrow and the next couple of upcoming days, and I want to get the smoking fish logo too. I know I need the artist’s permission, and probably a stack of dollar bills about neck high. So, I humbly beg of you, Jeff Kay, my Pennsylvanian idol, to have your emblam drawn on me forever.
Oh, and pics will be sent for sure, just as a small added incentive.
Happy Wednesday surfers!
Amish Channel… All Amish, all the time! From barn raising to dating… From slaughter to milking!
What fun!
The Christopher Walken Channel…because I’ve got a fever and the only prescription is…MORE COWBELL.
I like the “High Art” Channel. It’ll actually be the tv set to the ‘off’ position but referred to as art by those who haven’t figured out the emperor is buck naked.
Gino, I hope you’re kidding.
In San Fran during the holidays they had the “Yule Log” channel. A closeup of a fireplace with Christmas carols in the background.
I had the idea for an channel dedicated to stoners, but it didn’t have, nor would it publish a set schedule, and all the shows would be stoner friendly. For example, in a given program sampling, you could have the movie “Repo Man,” a documentary on the migration of wildebeests, Hendrix live at Winterland, and “The Bugs Bunny & Roadrunner Show”. The catch is that people would always be tuning into it, because they would never know if they might be missing something that was really cool. I still think it would be a hit.
Maybe I’m the only one that would enjoy this, but how about the Bum Slap Channel? All day long, film of homeless bums getting slapped when they ask for change on Haight Street. That’s right – I’m alittle left of center and I would STILL enjoy that. Immensely.
Happy Wednesday, Surfers!
Knucklehead-
http://www.bumfightsdump.com/
(psssst…it’s Tuesday…)
How about a channel that has live cams setup all over town which the locals watch and call the cops when someone mugs someone?
How about the Decline of Humanity channel? I love the image of 18-22 year olds choking and it made me think of how unflattering that demograhic is in general, thus, the Decline channel. Horrifying examples of people displaying their own personal decline and the general decline of civilization.
The Magic Eight Ball Channel: A person with very unattractive hands shakes a magic eight ball, waits for the answer to appear, and the answer is printed across the bottom of the screen. Over and over and over.
The Meat Channel: A constant slideshow of different meats. They can be raw or cooked. Sometimes we’d use raw hamburger meat and shape it into things like seahorses or crescent moons, just to have fun with it.
Guss The Next Card Channel: A lady with a stack of playing cards about 2 feet tall gives you a moment to guess what the next card will be then she flips the top card over, pauses for a moment, and does the same thing over again. 24 hours a day.
Cigar Channel: A guy sits on a lawn chair in a white room and chain smokes cigars. He never says a word. And he’s wearing a flannel hat.
P.S. Gino, I may bogart your idea and get my own smoking fish tattoo, if the Man Himself okays the reproduction of the drawing.
“The Birth Control” channel – for those people who think they want children, but haven’t actually spent any time around them. It would show siblings of all ages and how “well” they get along, how quiet they are, how well they respond to their parents, etc.
The Buffet Channel – Non stop exciting action of a hidden camera catching the grossly obese filling their plates at Old Country, Lubys, Chinese places, etc. Viewers could watch in horror and amusement as patrons dig in for seconds and thirds of steam table offerings. Small friendly wagers could even placed amongst friends to make it more appealing to the 18-34 demo. ie. “Betcha five bucks Uncle Fatty puts gravy on his ice cream”
The Weather Dial Channel – just a camera panning back and forth to view guages showing time, temperature, barometric pressure, humidity, wind speed and from which direction. Just panning back and forth continuously. Sorry, had a 70′s moment.
Oh, almost forgot, I’d also like to see the N&N Network started up sometime soon, showcasing the lives and times of your famous douchebag in-laws.
The All Billy Mays, All The Time Channel. Come with earplugs should you decide to subscribe.
The ShamWow Show! 24 hours of soaking-up stuff! I LOVE my ShamWow Show!
The Pedi-Egg Channel. Because how many times can you watch the parmesean-y goodness of foot shaving??
———————————-
Also? Something involving rotting diapers. Just because.
Oh! ANother one!
“How to dress youself” channel, with shows like “Cover up your tits, ladies” and ‘Belts, they’re not just for your Dad anymore.” “how to avoid a muffin top” could get on the lineup if low-waisted pants come back in fashion.
Demographic? Teenagers who shop at WalMart. I’m just sayin’. Hell, they could show the channel on those stupid god-awful BLARING teevees they have hanging about your head every ten feet!
OK, off the top of my head:
1) the Yule Log channel should be year-round.
2) so should the Puppy Bowl
3) the Bacon Channel is a must. Sort of like the food network but all bacon and only bacon.
I like the walmart greeter channel idea…maybe it could be a full on “Affirmation Channel” where people tell you how great you are, 24/7, and a spin-off, where a guy says, over and over “no, I don’t think your ass looks fat at all. No, really, not one bit”
Standing in Line Channel.
Various lines throughout the world.
Specials include:
Who’s Line is it anyway? (Filmed at festival concert portapotty banks)
What’s my line (filmed in DMV’s and Polling places)
The thin red line (single file irish waiting on Guiness)
The long gray line (Old people waiting to…die)
And the hit sitcom: No-Cutsies.
The Politician White Lies, and the Grey Ones and the Fat Outta’ Control Rhinoceros Granddaddy lies Channel. It would be complete with campaign commercials that display ultimate batshit hypocrisy, compared to the actual “decisions” made.
It would be a nice-touch with “Human” interest stories with the likes of Tricky Dicky, Johnson etc. and a blowout special of ‘Not Having Sex with That Woman!”‘ and replays of Colin Powell getting greased up by Bush in his U.N. Speech on the eights.
Holy crap, it is Tuesday! See, when you don’t work, it’s hard to keep track…
I can’t imagine a better idea than having a tattoo of the smoking fish. That way I could wear the hat, have the tattoo, and print out the smoking fish for every time I take a picture in front of something famous…. that is if I ever go anywhere famous.
My ultimate channel would be one that showed nothing except people slipping and falling. Preferably on ice, as that is by far the best. Of course any unexpected slippery surface would suffice.
Just for the record, tripping and falling is not nearly as funny to me as SLIPPING and falling. Not that tripping isn’t funny, it certainly is, but slipping has it beat any day of the week. The cartoon-like “running-in-mid-air” is priceless, before the inevitable gravity induced fall to earth.
D