Politics Can Kiss My Ass
Right, and now it’s time to take a break from politics. I don’t write about it here, because there are already too many know-nothings reciting at length the talking-points of their favorite team, I mean political party. But I follow all that stuff, and absorb way too much of it.
And I plan to take a prolonged vacation at this point. I’m going to listen to music, read books, watch movies, have more fun with the Surf Report, and act like an idiot around my family. My soul needs to be purged of the poisons…
And just the thought of not thinking about it anymore makes me happy. Politics can kiss my ass.
We’re going to West Virginia for Thanksgiving, and I’m really looking forward to that, as well. I don’t think we’ve been to my parents’ house in more than a year, the chaos that is our everyday life won’t allow it.
But the Secrets get out of school half-day on Wednesday, and we’re gonna hit the road. We already know it will be a traffic extravaganza, especially on the Boulevard of Shouted Profanity (Interstate 81), but who cares? We’ll have a load of good CDs, premium snacks, and no deadlines.
And when we finally arrive, it’ll be nothing but comfort food and nodding off in recliners. Can’t wait!
What are your plans for Thanksgiving? Are you going to be out on the road, getting in my way and testing my resolve to remain calm? Or will family be descending on your life? Not that anyone asked, but I much prefer being the descender, than the descendee. Ya know?
Speaking of comfort food… I’m somehow associated with lemon meringue pie in my family. And I’m not really sure how it happened.
I mean, I certainly like it, but don’t most people? I don’t believe my enthusiasm for it is excessive (I’m not out robbing liquor stores to support a lemon pie habit, or anything), but I’ll be forever linked to it in our fambly.
Are you strongly associated with some kind of food? Do people make cute little jokes along the lines of, “Oh, everybody knows better than to get between Jeff and his lemon pies!” (Sheesh.) Is it legitimately earned, or the product of questionable mythology created over decades?
Tell us about it in the comments. And how long do you think it would take for me to become associated with this pie? Or is transition even possible, once a myth has taken hold?
And I have one more question for you folks, before I pull the plug on this brief and inexplicably blissed-out update. It’s a follow-up to a conversation I had with the Secrets last weekend…
Are you able to close one eye, while keeping the other one open? I can only do it one-way; I can close my left eye, and keep the right one open. But it won’t work the other way ’round.
The older boy has complete control of his lids, and can make them do whatever he wants. It’s amazing to me. But is it unusual? Are most people endowed with such a talent? Am I, once again, the weird one?
Help me out with it, won’t you?
And while we’re at it, tell me about your eyebrow abilities. Can you lift one, and keep the other at rest? Like Belushi? I’m unable to do that one, at all. They’re either both up, or both down. I almost pulled a forehead muscle trying to accomplish a one-up.
Just so you know… I’ll be unveiling the new Surf Report t-shirt design in the next few days, and think you guys are going to be amazed. The Evil Twin has been working on it, and it’s very cool indeed.
This time ’round we’ll be going with an army green shirt, with white ink, and possibly a second ink color, as well. Hopefully we’ll be able to have them printed, and in everyone’s hands before Christmas. That’s going to be the goal.
Once the design is completed I’ll create a pre-order page, and we’ll get the ball rolling. I’ve already spoken with The T-Shirt Lady, and she’s ready to go. Like Jeff Kay in front of one of “his” pies.
I’m excited about this one, folks, and looking forward to your reactions.
See ya tomorrow.
Filed under: Daily
Yep.
Jeff,
Army green is my favorite clothing color. The only way you could make my life better is with a small with long sleeves.
Pllleeeeaaaasssseeee?
I’ll just cut good ole feddie mac a check for an additional 1/3 now…that way I know what 2/3 tax feels like. Oh wait, that’s right, I’m married, they’ll get 3/4.
are the tee’s unisex, and boxy or will there be a ladies’ fitted tee option?
I can close either eye independently, but have no brow control to speak of.
ambidexterous winking: not a problem.
Cheescake here.
and somehow I’m always to make Greek food.
top ten wow wee wow
I’m for both a long sleeve t-shirt (I live in Wisconsin) and a ladies cut style- Come’on Jeff, throw us a bone!
I’ll take two t-shirts!
Extra large, please.
Okay now I’m done with politics…
Winking not a problem, eyebrows no dice.
“Food” would have to be beer, which I don’t get. Beer is good and all, but ever since I began work at a brewer people have this need to send pictures/samples/opinions/etc about beer.
My take, drink what you want, when you want. But I do kinda miss Yuengling…is that so wrong?
10th already standin’ in line waiting for my gubmint check.
Happy about new shirts. I needed some good news today!
We will be traveling for Thanksgiving but I will not be anywhere near being in your way JK. Heading from Normal IL to Grand Rapids MI. About 5 hours of traffic induced bliss. We are heading out after work on Tuesday, so hopefully by the time we hit Chi-town rush hour will be over… We’ll see.
I also have full control of both eyelids but am interested to hear what the other surf reporters have to say about this subject.
I am known far and wide for my love of pumpkin pie and it is well earned. My mouth is watering right now thinking about it! That is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday!
it’s like Xmas in November!
i spend the weeks leading up to thanksgiving trying to come up with a an excuse to bail on my dad and his “new family” that serves 2 purposes: #1 – i dont have to suffer through another thursday night filled with televised bowling and/or NASCAR without the aid of alcohol (dad is a born-again, non-drinker) AND, #2 – I am in no way hindering my chances at good christmas presents by not showing my face, doing my time…
this year i tried to time it up with a surgery and a hospital stay, but no dice. Any advice?
by the way, i can close my lids independently but can only raise up the left eyebrow by itself. The right eyebrow always pulls the left up with it. I think ol’ righty has a social phobia & can’t go anywhere on his own.
We call that eye closing thing “winking” here in FL.
I am done with “winking” and politics for a bit, too. It won’t be a total news black out, but close.
My mom re-named our family goulash after me when I turned 16. I haven’t eaten it in 25+ yrs though.
I have been giving out banana bread like other people give out business cards lately. We have three patches of banana that are bearing year round. I hate to see them go to waste and have perfected Betty Crocker’s recipe. I made four last Sunday and will probably do another four this weekend. How sad is it to be the banana bread lady? I’d rather be the lady with the perky T**s.
I’m staying at home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. No traveling to NashVegas for us. Thank you Jesus.
I can wink, and move eyebrows at anytime. I guess I learned it from my mother, the Queen of brow beating.
Food – Stuffing or Potato Salad. Don’t even think about getting in my way punk!
I need a new t-shirt for the holidays. Thanks Jeff!
i will be trying desparately hard to be working on thanksgiving….
that pie looked pretty good – it had scotch in it too!
a friend of mine once made a bacon chocolate cake that was absolutely divine.
Top 20!!! WOW!!!
I can wink my left eye by just closing the lid, but winking the right eye requires a face squish from above and below.
I have no eyebrow skills, but I can curl my lip a la Billy Idol.
Somehow bacon and apples don’t work with me unless it’s the apple stuck in the pigs mouth at a pig roast.
Thanksgiving, YAY. This year I will be running a 5K race in the morning, headed to dads for early lunch with my stepmoms family, then up to Sewanee, TN for another meal with dads family. Food for days. After dinner we have a little pickin and grinning yuppie style in the living room. Usually a good bit of wine will be consumed, and generally we all stay up on the mountain with family, at the university, or in a rental cabin. Friday morning is the family golf tournament for the guys, and us women hit the shops.
I am able to wink my lids independently of each other. I can also move my eyeballs independently of each other…cool party trick. Instant wall-eye freaks people out. I am not so skilled in movement of my eyebrows.
I’m known for my love of spinach dip…but it’s nothing compared to the love my cousin has for grandmas potato salad…he’s always last to get the bowl so the rest of us can make sure we get at least 1 helping. If we wait for him to get his fill, we’ll never get any.
Most of my face is fairly independent of the rest of my face.
I have full eyelid control, eyebrows are on separate circuits (the left one is strongest) and I can lift the left side of my upper lip (ala Elvis) without any difficulty.
We are descendees. This year it’s off to my sister in laws for that part of the family’s Thanksgiving the Saturday before and then I think it’s to my Mother in Law’s (where we can all enter safely thanks to the new front porch steps I built last month) on Thanksgiving.
My wife’s Grandmother makes apple pies just for me, and I really, really appreciate it. Mmmm, apple pie.
My wife’s step father works in a cheese cutting facility (yep, he supervises the cutting of cheese) and brings home an unbelievable amount of various expensive cheese. And I get a cut. Now, I’m not one to say no to free cheese, but I’m running out of room to store it.
My family- I’m known to love Chili, Biscuits & Gravy, roast lamb (rare please) Feta, all olives, Pita (no, not peeduh bread, it’s something else) and most kinds of cookies.
My brother is known for his habitual use of what we call Egg Lemon soup, sometimes called Chicken lemon rice soup. He makes 2 ro 3 gallons at a time and drinks it for breakfast cold.
And even though Alice In Chains says that army green is no safe bet I’ll be ordering my shirts the moment, the very moment, they become available.
I don’t like pie – at all. I might eat one sliver of pumpkin pie around the holidays, but it’s really more of a vehicle for the whipped cream.
I can close either eye independently, but can’t do that with my eyebrows.
And the only food related thing I can think of being associated with is the word “picky”. We’re staying home for the holidays. Thank goodness!
Ok, I have complete control of “winking” or of “my lids” I can either one open or close one at any given time…as for the eyebrows it’s a no go, they go up they go down that’s it. My mother can wiggle her ears…damndest thing I ever saw and I can’t do it! As for the food I’m associated with it has to be the sweet potatoes..with marshmallows..mmm. Oh and JK what in the hell is with “bacon apple pie” GROSS and so so wrong. We have no travel plans because I drew the short stick and everyone is coming to my house…the only saving grace is that they all live in the same town and go home when it’s over…
It seems I only have control over the left side of my face. The right side is a stubborn bitch.
We don’t have holidays at my house anymore due to the fact that I barred my sister last Christmas from ever coming to my house for Christmas again. She brought Silly String for my girls and they destroyed the house I spent 3 days cleaning and a full day cooking in. I may have also told my mother’s MIL to get the fuck out. But that was all just a misunderstanding.
I am associated with cheesy potato casserole. My sister makes it every holiday because I make her do so.
I can close either eyelid without a problem. But only my right eyebrow goes up on its own. I tried to force the left one up while relaxing the right one and I think I might have had a stroke.
Eyebrows are very important. A plain looking woman can look a great deal better if she minds her eyebrows. One time in high school some friends and I got drunk and we shaved this one kids left eyebrow off while he was drunk. No eyebrows makes someone look like a freak. Also, I always secretly wanted to have a uni-brow. I’d shave it – but not like you might think. I wouldn’t shave the middle to make two seperate brows. No, I’d shave the sides and leave one brow in the middle, just above my nose.
I’m staying home for Thanksgiving, we’re having a couple of guest. I prefer to stay home. I learned a long time ago that if you make a big enough ass of yourself you’ll stop being invited / expected to come.
A while back we had Cornish game hens (tiny chickens) that I deep fried outside. It was great because everyone had their own little chicken. I’d like to do that with turkeys. Is there such a thing as pygmy turkeys? Can you buy baby turkeys? God, I hope so. I’d like to give everyone their own tiny turkey, on a bed of lettuce, and surrounded by tiny little vegetables.
The food that haunts me is mint chocolate chip ice cream. I have no idea why. It’s not bad, or anything, but everyone thinks I LOVE it. But really, I don’t. I got an ice cream cake for my birthday and it had mint chocolate chip ice cream in it. Why can’t I be known for the things that I really do love (lasagna, tits, Dr. Pepper, vaginas, etc.)?
Oh, I forgot. My cousin can do this thing where he turns his eyelids inside out. It’s gross, seeing raw flesh hanging over his eyeballs. Can any of you do that? I’ve tried but I’m always afraid that my eyeballs will pop out.
Susan in NWPA: You are my hero! I actually sighed out loud thinking how wonderful it would be to let loose on some of the descendees….
I can shut each eye independently but can only lift the left eyebrow.
As an aside, is there anyone out there, besides me who can not make that trilling noise with their tongue (as if you were to roll your Rs)? I’ve always wondered if it is something that could be learned but I just never got it. I’m hoping it’s a genetic defect. Having to fake it through “The Frog” song in kindergarten was traumatic.
Poppajugs has full muscular control over both eyelids and both eye brows.
Also, put him down for one XL army green T shirt and an additional longsleeve if those happen.
Nice!
Jeff, want me to throw Tadpolegirl that bone she’s hankerin’ for?
i can turn my eyelids inside out. well, i think i can. I stopped doing it a few years ago when i began to worry about age and wrinkles and sagging skin. It was great for terrorizing kids in the neighborhood. I’m probably going to have to try it now. When i get home from work, in case they get stuck that way. i’ll let you know.
Jason, dude, you were doing good and now your scaring me again. “Why can’t I be known for the things that I really do love (lasagna, tits, Dr. Pepper, vaginas, etc.)?” Young turkey, yes, they are usually in the 8 to 10 lbs range. They make the best for fried turkey ever because of the size.
Jeff, set me up for a 3XLT.
Brandy,
I can’t wait. He can also “gleek” (I think he calls it). He moves his tongue a certain way and a stream of saliva shoots from his mouth. Can you “gleek”? Some of the other things that he can do is make farting noises using his armpit and his hand and whistle crazy loud by putting his fingers in his mouth and blowing. He’s very talented. I can do none of these things.
Shiny Rod,
Thanks for the warning. I’ll try to stay between the lines. No, I mean TINY turkeys. Maybe a pound or two in total weight. Something that serves one person.
JEFF,
When you are in WBGVA, if you like, I have 46 episodes of 1970′s CBS Radio Mystery Theater (mp3)with your name on them. One even has a pre-show newscast with the names Watergate and Nixon in them…good stuff!
I live ‘cross the river from yer folks so we could make a hand off at Krogers or something. Gimme a shout.
Eyelids yes. Only the left eyebrow. My ears, and scalp.
Peanuts.
Sadly, Jason, I cannot “gleek” on command. Funny you should ask though, because twice this week I’ve done it on accident.
I can, however, make a tiny saliva bubble in my mouth (about 1cm in diameter, prop it onto the end of my tongue and blow it onto nearby objects without it popping. People tend to be grossed out by this, for whatever reason.
I can also fold my tongue in half (not the way you’d think, where the sides fold up like a taco, but I fold the front half over onto the back half) and make it stay that way. I read once that only 1 in 50,000 people can do that. I think it makes me special.
No armpit farting. It’s not very lady-like (that’s my excuse, but really i just cant do it). And I can’t for the life of me do that loud 2-finger whistle thing, dammit.
Saliva bubbles, tongue folding…..wow.
I just tried folding my own tounge back like you described. The first time I gagged and nearly puked. The second time I lost my nerve because I was afraid I’d swallow it. I guess I’m one of the 49,999.
I don’t know what made me think of this, but my brother always used to complain about premature ejaculation. That’s not how he put it, but that’s what it was. He was telling me about it one night. We were shitfaced and these two girls were on the way over. I told him to wear two rubbers. “Tried it” he said. Then I said, “Well, just try to think of something else. Maybe say it to yourself when you start getting too excited.” So a little while later he and his girl were in his room and me and my girl were in my room. She said, “Wait! What is that? You hear that?” We walked over to his door and could hear him saying “Dead dogs, dead dogs, dead dogs….” over and over and over. HAHAHA. Fucking idiot. That’s not what I meant. But I guess it worked.
Okay then. Back to the dog for me.
Ahhh, there’s nothing better than comfort food and a day in the recliner. We’re having a comfort food recipe contest and this can be your opportunity to either share the best Lemon meringue pie recipe ever or to break out of the mold! Either way, we’d love to have you enter. Check it out
http://marxfood.com
The prize rocks!
Further Evidence…
WHAT THE FUCK!
Shane- How far can you throw?
that reminds me of a story… one time my friend and I were at this bar and decided to go talk to a couple of really shitfaced guys across the room… anyway, one thing led to another and well – it was going pretty well until the guy started saying dead dogs, dead dogs, dead dogs over and over again… oh wait…. what??
I am known for my love affair with buffalo chicken wings. Its a sick obsession, really. In fact, just the other day I was sitting at my desk pretending to work and someone brought in a tray of wings – unbeknownst to me – and the smell of them came wafting into my office, and i actually was sitting there sniffing my fingers and thinking to myself, “dear god, Brooke, you really have a problem. Your skin is starting to permanently smell like buffalo wing sauce.”
I also can close each eye independently of the other, raise each eyebrow on command, flip my tongue over in both directions, wiggle my ears, blow tiny spit bubbles and flare my nostrils all at the same time!
Jason, if you’re having little tiny individual turkeys with little tiny vegetables, I’m coming over for Thanksgiving. The only thing that rivals my obsession with buffalo chicken is my fascination with normal objects that are made to be either really tiny or really huge.
Brandy! You went with the wrong guy, dammit!
Kelly,
Further evidence. I’m sure I saw a sascrotch peeking out in several of those shots. And a half nekkid woman with raw chickens and fishes laid all over her, OMG, someone just woke up “little Jason”. Just kidding.
Brooke,
I’m also obsessed with really tiny or really huge things. I guess it’s more tiny things with me. I just bought a replica Graceland mansion from Lowe’s that’s made up for Christmas. It was $100 but well worth it. You push a little button and the tiny christmas lights around the top of the house come on, and Elvis sings a song. Fanfuckingtastic. When it’s Christmas time I transform our house into a several tiny little cities. And I have a mini train that goes around the Christmas tree, baby Jesus is at the wheel.
If I can find tiny turkeys I’m all over it. And I’m going to put tiny corn, tiny carrots with the green still attached, and tiny taters all around it. During certain times of the year you can buy little bunches of grapes at Publix. I think they’re called “Champagne grapes” and they’re awesome.
I like buffalo chicken wings too, but it’s not something I obsess over. Last week I went to “Buffalo Wild Wings” (I think it’s a chain) and ordered “hot” wings. I thought it was a safe enough choice because there were about five hotter options above it. I’m not a pussy when it comes to heat, but God Almighty these things were absurdly hot. I think they were playing a joke on me or something. After a couple of them I was snotting and crying and sweating. But I was so hungry that I couldn’t stop. Towards the end I was using my napkin to wipe away the devil juice, just so I could get them down. I like Hooters wings because of the breading.
Brooke, Brandy,
Yall sisters?
TMI people!!!
No one is coming here, because they would have to fly. And no one wants to do that. But in a way, it is nice. Just us and the kids.
Omg Brooke you crack me up.
I can close my left eye no problem, however to close
my right eye the top of my cheek has to come up to meet
the top of my eyelid, therefore leaving me with a half smile
on the right side of my face and looking like I have
bells palsy, but the left eye is open.
I have no talent with my eyebrows whatsoever.
I can roll my tongue (taco style) and whistle through
it. it sounds like an Owl.
I will be traveling To Toledo, OH from Port Huron, MI.
about 2 hrs travel time one way so not to bad.
and I won’t have to cook, best part of all.
Jason
I also think I seen those things.
How does one find these video’s on youtube and the like?
Like, what has to go in a search engine to find men and woman rolling around in and on raw chickens and fish?
I’m just baffled.
And Jeff,
I don’t think you could have made a better decision on
the color for the shirts.
I will order 2 or 3.
I am very excited to see the new design.
Twins, actually… but I like it better when things are really huge.
Buffalo Wild Wings is a chain and people from up north call it BW3′s, for some reason that I can’t figure out. BW2′s I can see… but where the fuck is that 3rd W? I don’t get it.
Anyway, yeah, dont get the hot ones. I get medium and am all snotty and drippy by the end of the meal. Hooters, hot, double-dipped (ask for it that way next time, you won’t be disappointed) with blue cheese. I think someone just woke up “little brandy”. ha. not really.
Jorge – you’re talking about avgolemeno soup!
What are you referring to as pita? Spanakopita?
I can curl my right lip – we can make matching bookends, lol.
Twins. That’s awesome. Are you also a hot wing fan?
” I’d shave the sides and leave one brow in the middle, just above my nose. ” Holy crap Jason! That’s awesome! Best Comment Ever!
And the dead dogs follow up… wow. You’re killing me today. Nice work.
The only problem that I have with the hot wings at BW3 is the fact that twice now I’ve had some “bathroom issues” within 20 minutes of eating them. But the heat was never a big deal.
Kelly- When you go by stop in and say Hi to me and Kathleen. We’re practically on the way.
Brandy,
I’m going to get some Hooters wings to go tonight – I’ll order them just like you said. No shittin, kitten. Do you like their buffalo shrimp? And I’m going to look around the interwebs to see if I can find a tiny buffalo turkey recipe. Surely someone has thought of that.
Winks and independent eyebrows, no problem both sides.
Thanksgiving at my mom’s and she goes all out. Shrimp cocktail, turkey, dressing, gravy, broccoli casserole, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, peas, homemade pumpkin pie, apple pie, and minced meat (don’t knock it, it is excellent.), my dad’s homemade Merlot wine, and Dom for the girls. I am starving just thinking about it. Oh, I forgot…stuffed mushrooms.
Can I get a shirt with a cigarette pocket???
my food obsession is potato skins. (with buffalo wings at a distant second)
i once dreamt that i was sleeping on a giant hollowed out potato skin mattress, resting my head on a fluffy sour cream pillow and pulling my melted cheese and bacon blanket up to my chin. *sigh*
The third W is for Weck.
There are 2 foods that Buffalo is famous for, food wise. Buffalo wings and Beef on Weck. Weck is a semi-crusty roll with a little salt on top.
It’s a tasty sandwich but never seems to have really caught on outside of western NY.
Best Regional Sandwiches ever:
Italian Beef in Chicago from Al’s or Buona Beef.
Cheese steak in Philadelphia- From Pats. Or Jims Place.
Beef on Weck in Buffalo. Don’t have a place there.
Other Kristin- Pita at home is Feta and Ricotta with a little egg mixed together and placed on a buttered sheet of thrice folded filo dough. You fold it up like a paper football, brush on a little more butter and bake. You can also add leeks to the filling, or onions or spinach or pross, which is like sauerkraut. I prefer all cheese.
Spanikopita for us is more like what we call Zelnik, which is made in big sheets. But it’s very similar.
Jorge,
thank you! that’s been driving me nuts. I went to Buffalo last year and kept seeing Weck all over the place but never tried it. The beef looked all bloody and was usually pictured with some kind of weird white sauce on it. Horseradish maybe? I just couldn’t do it.
But, I did go to the grocery store and buy a bag of weck rolls from the deli. Sadly, they were crushed by the time i got home. I can’t eat crushed bread, so they went straight into the trash. I think mine had poppy seeds on it in addition to the salt.
I DID have an italian beef in chicago not too long ago, though. Can’t remember the name of the restaurant, but my lord – it was fucking fantastic. Best sandwich I’ve ever eaten. I got mine with peppers. My mouth is watering.
Regional foods are fun. I still need to go to Philly for a cheesesteak. I don’t know of any Florida foods. Probably because we’re just a dumping ground for transplants from all over. Unless… key lime pie might fall under that category.
what other regional foods am i forgetting? NY pizza, Chicago pizza, Chicago dogs…
I can throw as far as I need to, Tadpolegal, aheh.
Ok, probably only ten feet or so. *sob*
i can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue………does that count?
New England Clam Chowder
Cincinnati Chili
New Orleans Gumbo/Jambalaya/Po Boy
Maine Lobster
I’m all out of foods. And, I’m starving now.
Brandy,
Potato skins, that’s good. Do you like spinach artichoke dip?
Okay. I’m going to turn left here. I just have to share this with you guys. My Aunt Vera has finally lost her mind. I love her, and she’s sweet, but she’s getting up there. She’s 85. And she drinks. A LOT. So maybe that has something to do with it. She lives in Phoenix. All of us are from Texas but we’ve slowly moved away (I’m in Alabama). Anyway, she sent me a package via FedEx and I just opened it a little bit ago. Inside was a ball of foil (WTF?) and a zip lock baggy full of fudge. There was a note inside that said, “For the Holidays.” What holidays? I have no idea. So I grabbed a couple of squares of fudge and sat down to bullshit with yall. The first piece was excellent. It had pecans in it, just delicious. The second piece almost made me barf. I bit into it and discovered that it was packed with corn chips. That’s right, Fritos. God. So I called her to thank her (really, I just wanted to find out what the hell she was thinking) and she admitted to puttin corn chips in some of the fudge because she’d run out of pecans. Oh, and the ball of foil turned out to be a hard boiled egg, sloppily wrapped in foil. There was also a small fabric sample laying in the bottom of the box.
I can touch my nose with my tongue, blow bubbles out my tear ducts and independently wink–but no eyebrow shenanigans. Always wanted to, though.
Brandy- I hate to say this because it’s just going to get Jason fired up, but I get the Italian Beef Hot, Wet, and with cheese (hot pepper gardinera, dipped in the beef juices, and with cheese).
Never liked other chicago foods. But Skyline Chili in Souhtern Ohio is good stuff and so is Detroit Coney Island.
The regional foods in Alabama are shit. Greens, cornbread, grits, pig feet, slaw dogs…..just shit. And their BBQ sucks ass. It’s almost always pork that’s been bathed in vinegar. And I saw canned cow brains for the first time in my life when I moved up here. They like cow brains with their eggs, apparently.
My eyelids can wink independently of each other but only my left eyebrow raises up (or is it that my right eyebrow goes down?…dunno). I can wiggle my ears a bit too. But as far as Stupid Human Tricks go I’m afraid some of you have me outclassed (blow bubbles out of your TEAR DUCTS….WTHF?). I can, however, clap with one hand. Which I could use to great awesomeness if only someone would say the phrase “the sound of one hand clapping” in my presence. Alas, it hasn’t happened yet.
OMG Jason I can’t stop laughing.
Oh yeah, and we’ll likely be going to western Ohio for Thanksgiving, thereby effectively getting in Jeff’s way for some of the trip. Look for the Eagles sticker, Jeff! I’ll save a flip off just for you! ;o)
Gretchen,
How do you clap with one hand? Do you smack yourself on the stomach, leg, face, what? If you can do it all in one hand then that’s truly amazing. You should make a video for Youtube.
spinach artichoke dip is absolutely divine, what dreams are made of.
Maybe the gifts from Aunt Vera were for Veteran’s Day. I would steer clear of the egg. And probably the rest of the fudge too, in case she also ran out of Fritos. You might bite into some celery on the next piece.
I think the fabric sample is some kind of a clue. Or a secret message.
In high school, a girl I didn’t know real well wanted to be friends, so she gave me a present in a used doggie-bag. Inside were various odd objects from around her house, like old halloween candy, a pencil, chapstick, and a barbie head with the hair melted off. I think she might be in a psych ward somewhere now.
when are they going to stop talking about Obama already. It’s been nearly an hour. we get it. he won. can we move on now? my liver can’t handle it.
HAHAHAHA! Yee haw!
“Kelly- When you go by stop in and say Hi to me and Kathleen. We’re practically on the way.”
will do Jorge.
Around what area should I start
laying on the horn and screaming
out your name?
Brandy,
You still at work or what? We wanna know if that eyelid inside out thing works. Also, I just got my double dipped Hooters wings. They’re magnificent! Good call.
I know this isn’t my site and I should just keep my damn mouth shut. Sorry to everyone for my blah, blah, blah. I’m just trying to distract myself. So, thanks for your patience.
Kelly,
Are you going to yell out “George” or “Whore-hay”?
You two should work that out. It’s important.
Kelly- Kathleen and I are in Dearborn. Detour around 75 at 94, take it to Telegraph and start yelling and honking.
I’ll answer to either name.
Family food: mom’s sinful garlic bread
Blinking: can only do right eye shut, left eye open
Eyebrows: I can do the ‘one up’ with the right one, i actually taught myself how to do it…think scotch tape a la pee-wee’s big adventure
T-Shirts: YES PLEASE!
I want some double dipped Hooters wings right now, god dammit. I hope you got some curly fries to soak up the extra sauce, too.
Jason, where do you get tiny carrots with the greens still attached? I’ve seen the corn and potatoes, but… the carrots? Do they really have those or are you actually a giant?
OH SHIT. I totally forgot. No, i am at home now, and I am happy to announce that YES, yes I can still flip my eyelids. But, not as well as I used to, as soon as I blinked, they unflipped. I think this was probably the very last time I will ever do that.
Why doesn’t Hooters deliver? My laziness far exceeds my hungriness.
And, good call on the name pronunciation – I was wondering that same thing. It’s like you’re reading my mind. STOP THAT!
This isn’t my site either, and I should probably leave the question asking to Jeff Kay, but I just went to the corner store for beer and cigarettes, and as I waited in line for the guy that couldn’t speak any english to buy lottery tickets from the other guy that couldn’t speak english, I found myself wondering about the thought process involved in purchasing items to sell in these stores.
For example, when I am in the market for cheap and shitty toys, trucker hats, incense, knockoff Air Jordans, a single fake blue rose or a new pair of earrings, the little store on the corner isn’t typically on my list of places to go for these things. I’m curious what weird things other people find at their “corner store”. Plus, i’m bored and fresh out of Frito brownies.
uujjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh66666666r444
(my cat wanted to leave a post too)
Double dipped Hooters wings, yes, they’re fantastic. Orgasmic even. I’ll never order them any other way. Yes, we have some curly fries. But Melanie made some giant pretzels and that’s what I’m using to get the juice. She also ordered a dozen oysters. She hates oysters. But she heard that they make for a harder dick. That’s absurd. Raw oysters aren’t my favorite, but I’ll eat them. Maybe I’ll put a dollop of mint chocolate chip ice cream atop each one. We’ll see.
Brooke,
Tiny carrots with the green still on them have to be manufactured. I have a herd of workers that live behind my estate in a small enclave called “JasonTown”, which is comprised of row after row of of squalid dirt-floored shacks, the payments for which are deducted from their checks, and whatever is left over is given to them in the form of Jason-dollars which they can then spend at the JasonTown market. They spend their time whittling down regular carrots until they resemble “tiny carrots” (carefull not to knock off the green stuff, of course). In the event that actual tiny carrots must be used I have the children drill a small hole on the ass end of it and insert a sprig of parsley or cilantro, thereby creating the illusion of a tiny carrot with the green bit still attached.
Knowwhatimean?
So where are you and your sister from, anyway? Canada? Europe? Are your parents from Canada or Europe? You certainly aren’t from Florida, are you?
they sell tiny carrots with the green still on them at Publix. I just saw them there on saturday. Publix must be somehow affiliated with the JasonTown Market.
Since so many people have chimed in with comments about Buffalo wings, I thought I’d share my experience with Wendy’s new Buffalo Chicken Sandwich. It, and the BBQ Chicken Sandwich, are fantastic! Jeff, as a fellow Wendy’s afficionado, I say you’ve gotta try them before their limited time status is up. Love the blog!
With one hand alone and like hell I’m doing that on YouTube given your, er, predilections.
Brandy,
You are a very clever girl. Very clever.
I go to all kinds of gas stations and I often wonder the same thing. Who buys a single banna or apple from Texaco? Not me, not ever. But there they are everytime I stop by. I think that most crazy ass gas station purchases are “impulse buys”. That’s just my guess. I recently bought a lighter that looks like a frog. When you press his ass his eyes light up and he “ribbits”. I didn’t go in there looking for it, but I left with it. I also have a giant zippo lighter (your sister might like that) that’s the size of a dictionary. And a mini remote controlled submarine (she might also like that) that has a light on the front of it.
So, um, was there a point to my rant? I’m getting drunker by the minute. I think I might take up smoking again. Things seemed to go much better when I smoked. Maybe it’s a farce – MAYBE NOT!
Oh Gretchen,
I’ve grown since then. But that’s still impressive.
Oh, and HEY! Why do Texaco gas station bathrooms always look like they’ve been used to hold cattle for the last several months? Huh? Why?
Brooke bought me that exact jumbo zippo lighter a few years ago for christmas! It took about a gallon of fluid to fill it up, and when you light it you risk the fire department showing up. But, anything that gets the neighbors in an uproar is good in my book.
I’m going to get drunk too. And, pose this question:
Have any of you pee’d in your pants in your adult life?
Brandy, do you consider age 18 to be adult life, or do I need to have been past my teenage years?
Jason, I bought myself the giant zippo, not really interested in the remote controlled submarine, but kinda interested in the frog lighter but it might just be cuz you have to press on his ass.
…and yes, we are from Florida…
if you’re old enough to go to prison, then yes, i consider you to be an adult. And I’m not talking about laughing so hard that you dribble a little either, I mean a full on, start to finish emptying of the bladder.
Holy shizzbottles – it’s like a fucking chat room in here.
I am officially too old for dat shit.
(Quits and goes off to lurk.)
I’ve never pissed my pants, I’m glad to say. I almost shat myself one time while at a “monster truck” show. But that’s a story for another time. And I think Jeff Kay shares this view (or phobia) but I DO NOT shit in public. I simply don’t. We seem to be in the minority because whenever I go to a public restroom there’s the scent of fresh “just shitted” in the air. Really, can’t you hold it for a bit or plan better or something? Public shitters, you disgust me.
Tiff, you aren’t too old, you just aren’t drunk enough.
I also refuse to shit in public. Or anywhere for that matter, I’m a lady!
Brandy,
I’m starting to lose track at this point because my brain is pickled in vodka. We have the folding tongue, the spit bubble, the obsession with all things huge, potato skins, and now the refusal to shit in public. Right? Fucking perfect.
I’m losing track too. Plus, I think I’ve become an annoyance, which normally thrills me – but out of respect for Jeff and his loyal readers, I should probably bow out for the night, lest I get bitch slapped again.
(logs off with tail between legs)
There’s a famous quote from a Queen somewhere. I think the great unwashed were getting all uppity. “We don’t have food.” or “We’re dying.” and things of that nature. And her quote has as much meaning now as it did then. She said, “Let them fuck cake.” Indeed, your highness, Let them fuck cake.
Okay then, me too.
HAHA. You are my hero.
Ban or kill Brandy!
Smooch!
no, sillies, you don’t log off, you just change your names…
I think Jeff needs to get a new update up quick (or a secret update) so we can all move on from this post- I need a drink!
what the hell is going on in here? Jason as turned the comment section into a pick up room.
It almost makes me not want to read the report.
I’m just glad he’s moved on to Brandy. Yay Brandy!
will he slowly make is way through all the WVSR female readers? LOL
Jason- you win the Surf Report Pulitzer for your work on “tiny turkeys and tiny vegetables.” Honorable mention for the expose’ on “Jason town.”
Who sits around on their puter till 10:00 at night “chatting”? Christ get a life ..or a room.
I can wiggle ears and flare/twitch nostils… fold tongue like taco… winking not a problem. But my cheeks have to move when winking… go up all funny.
What’s your bunker cam score? I think I have 6 covered, maybe 7, if that says “highly Flatulent”.
The rampant misuse of apostrophe’s in the bunker cam shot give’s me the willie’s.
Dammit Jason and Brandy, get a hotel room and bring a camera. It will last a lot longer and you will have proof.
harumpa, they don’t have Republicans or hippies on the list.
that’d be a pretty boring video of 2 people typing.
@Brandy – I like the tat, excellent work, but stop drinking those “buttwipers”.
“harumpa, on November 6th, 2008 at 3:41 pm Said:
What’s your bunker cam score?”
I got at least 12, I say at least because IDK
what “P.K’s” or “Idolater’s” are.
Earlier today someone said to me, “Jason, ask yourself a question. Is it right to pee on people, bribe cops, and be a Mexican outlaw at the same time? Is it right to dress up like a clown and flash people? Do you really think that unrepentant masturbators will be allowed in heaven?”
Oh wow. I never really looked at it that way.
i heard one of those incredibly tasteless jokes that people feel bad for laughing at and I want to share it with you all. Although, this might be what officially gets me banned….
Q: What do Obama and JFK have in common?
A: Nothing… yet.
@Kelly – P.K.’s are Preachers Kids. The worst hellions in the world.
okay thanks,
I’m still at 12 then.
Brandy, that was about as tastless as the one told by the “Greaseman”, “If we kill 29 more of them, we can have the whole month off”, when he was discuss his disdane towards the Martin Luther King holiday.
Brandy,
That’s a lovely joke. I can’t imagine anyone getting offended by it.
If you’re bored you can go read this:
http://www.subboard.com/generation/articles/98510641779882.asp
Okay pussies. I’m going to put on a Crystal Gayle CD and drink bloody mary’s for the rest of the night.
Where is our Husky male model? I thought more time was being devoted to the Surf Repor?
I was bored and now I am not. Thanks Jason!
My pleasure. I have a condo near Rosemary Beach. You know where that’s at?
These bloody mary’s are going down too easy. I’ll be drunk again before I know it.
UP——–DATE
please
Kelly! Is that you with Chris Rock? What’s he smell like?
I’m a little scared of the guy over kid rock’s right shoulder, the one with the beady red eyes that follow me when i walk around the room.
Yes, he’s the devil. WTF is with the chubby guy behind Kelly and Kid? He’s kissing toenail clippers (I think) fucking gross – and scarier than devil boy.
I saw that too, but I wasn’t going to say anything about it, just in case that was one of Kelly’s friends. Or worse, her husband.
The people are already starting to hate me.
btw, the chubby guy looks like my Aunt Mila.
Brandy,
That’s not her husband. I promise you. You think they hate you? Why would they hate you? Sure, they hate me. I’m all about shock and awe. I have no decency, ignore rules, and so forth. But you, what’s to hate? Oh wait, I get it. You’ve been palling around with me a little too much. Better watch out, Brandy. I’m the devil.
You’re right. And.. for a second there, I think I experienced what it feels like to care. That was weird and I’m glad its over.
That said, I’ve had peanut butter & jelly and laxatives for dinner for the third night in a row. I think something might be wrong.
Is Aunt Mila mustachioed? Aunt Vera (the Frito fudge lady) is. But she’s still beautiful. I don’t know how she pulls it off.
Caring, yes, that’s a funny thing. Really, I do care. I don’t want everyone mad at me. However, we’ve all but hijacked this thread. That’s sick. So you have three options. Start your own site where we can chat unmolested, send me your email address, or stop being so chatty. I’m telling you, me, devil, same same.
Oh, and PB & J sandwiches and laxatives for dinner. I’m trying to see where there might be a problem. Can’t put my finger on it. Okay, maybe you feel a little less than yourself. I’ll give you a folk remedy. But it’s not a joke. Don’t fuck it up. The best way to get back on top is to kiss a pair of toenail clippers. You didn’t hear it from me.
Sorry for giving up our secrets, Exalted Leader, she really seemed to be in need.
did you guys call eachother and arrange to chat in the comments ?? LOL or is there a pre-determined time to chat on the WVSR?
hey…the comments time did not change with daylight savings ! the time is 9:01 not 10;01 unless I am posting in the future ! how fucking cool is that !
OnaWho,
You’re next. Okay? You’re next. And then it’s Lew in Bama. She lives where I do. And I had no idea that he was a she. “Lew”, I mean, come on. What’s that short for? Plus she hate feminist.
“Street performer” or “pervert”. There’s a fine line, isn’t there? Okay people, listen to me, I need the info. I need it. Okay, maybe you don’t like me. But that’s a low blow. There are many ways to “get me”. Come on now, I’m not that bad. Focus. I’m an artist. I can’t be bothered with cleanliness or decency. Come on now, somebody – anybody!
Jason, you’re a riot! I’ve totally enjoyed myself for two days in a row! Glad you came on board1
1=!
I still like you, Jason. Even though you called me chatty. I hate that.
Brandy,
You’re a dream girl. And I don’t care who knows it. So pretty. So smart. Sheesh.
jason,
LOL ……….I just find it all amusing.
Do you do birthday parties?
Good idea, OnaWho! I’d like to bring Jason to the company Christmas party. (mostly though, to change my reputation from “the girl that drinks too much and ends up accidentally using the mens room” to something far more interesting)
oh my god. i AM chatty.
fuck.
AHHHH!
Yes, Brandy, I might be able to help you with your party. I’ll do it, just to help you out. See how nice I am? I’ll get a Kenny Rogers CD and shag ass down to Florida. But be nice to me. Okay? Cause really, I’d be nice to you – you cute chatty thing.
And OnaWho, yes, I do birthday parties. I usually end up going home without being paid. “Take your hands off my wife!” and “Why are you kissing her neck, pervert?” or “Good Lord, put away your penis!”
That’s what I’m used to hearing. Pfft. Whatever. I’m an artist.
HAHA!
To laugh is good, isn’t it? Yes it is.
Jeff-
Do you see what is going on here?!? I didn’t know this site doubled as Match.com. This is a perfect example of what happens when someone says “See ya tomorrow” and then never shows. It’s a sad state of affairs (and i mean affairs) I must say.
But… it is pretty funny!
Jeff!
For the love of God, update! Tiny turkeys, dead dogs, Frito fudge – it’s getting absurd. Throw us a lifeline. Do your thing. PLEASE!
what if this is some kind of sick social experiment by Jeff Kay to see just how far it will go? In any case, I’m done for the night. My “dinner” is starting to kick in.
fucking aye. Bye bye, Brandy.
Greg, I love you man.
Looks like I’m all alone in this world. Jeff, if you sell t-shirts that are cut for certain body shapes I hope you’ll be discreat as to who buys what. Because I might go for the female cut. By “female cut” do we mean shirts that accomidate huge tits? Because my tits are huge. If I could get a shirt that works with large tits and a giant stomach, I’m all over it. Put me down for about 10 of those. I guess I’ve becomed pear shaped. So what? I still have needs and desires.
I’m playing catch up so bear with me kiddies:
Tires: I know I’m a car guy and not a computer guy but I still can’t imagine how anyone can do hours of research and agonize for weeks over the purchase of a third household laptop and PC (handy but unnecessary) and yet do absolutely no research whatsoever for a set of tires (which your livelyhood and the lives of you and your family depend on…)
The Michelin LTX is a Pick-up/SUV/Van tire! No wonder zitface behind the counter looked at you like you’re an idiot…asking for truck tires for your Camry? Planning on doin’ some off roadin’ there Jeffy? Even if he wanted to sell them to you, they don’t come in that size…I bet those garage boys were havin a good laugh at you! (Just sayin’)
Politics: Congrats, ya’ll give a whole new meaning to the words “token figurehead”
Count me in for a t-shirt.
Jason, you’re funny. Brandy, you’re funny and HOT!
Kevindust,
Thanks. I don’t know if funny and drunk are interchangeable, but I’m more the latter. Hell, I’ve been this way for three or four days now (seems like) and I wish Jeff would just get on with it and reset us. I’m doing my part to take us to 200 comments, which I think would be a record of some sort.
Brandy is sharp. She also has pretty hands. Did you notice that? I did. Does that make me a “freak”? Guess so.
I suppose I’ll sober up tomorrow. So, no more funny stuff from me. Sorry.
I can top all of that. In 2003 I had bells palsy and half of my face was paralyzed for about 10 weeks. No eyelid control, and I mean none, I had to tape my eye shut with paper tape every night so it would not get dried out.
In my family I am associated with Jello brand Butterscotch pudding. I would ask my mother to buy some and make it for me, and of course I was the only one who liked the taste. No one else would eat it and so I had all to myself.
Now, when I go back for a visit and stay a few days I bring a box of the same and make it for myself to eat while I am there.
Kevindust, as Helen Keller once despairingly finger-signed into the palm of her translator, “I don’t see what you see.”
(but thanks!)
I have total control over my eyelids, but not the eyebrows.
No clue on what’s happening with Thanksgiving. Grandma’s now in an assisted living place, and my aunt (where we’ve had the past 3 or so T-givings) might be in Chicago as her oldest daughter just gave birth to the first grandchild. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I’m afraid it’s going to suck this year.
Pumpkin pie, but because I hate it and for years Grandma would ask me, “Kathleen, Chiffon or Regular?” And I’d say, “Neither, Grandma. I hate pumpkin pie.” Her response (for YEARS) was, “Really? I didn’t know that.”
Eyelids…full control….eyebrows…only the left one. My nine-year old can raise her right brow only.