Our Cable Guy: A Very Thorough Orifice
We recently had a problem with our cable service, and the company dispatched a person within hours to check it out. I can’t really remember the issue, something to do with missing channels or somesuch. But I recall being impressed by their quick response.
Unfortunately, we’ve had fresh, new trouble ever since that visit. The picture turned horrible on the Big Ass Television (BAT), channels were disappearing and reappearing at random times, and everything just seemed generally unstable.
But since I’m the Head Complainer (Bitcher in Chief) at our house, and don’t watch too much TV, there wasn’t a lot of urgency to get it corrected. The rest of the family just accepted the sub-par quality of the picture, and soldiered on.
And that’s simply not in my nature…
Toney finally called the cable company again on Sunday, and they sent a guy yesterday to “look things over.” And he was a bit of a walking orifice, if you know what I mean.
Everything the dude said was tinged in sarcasm, and exasperation. He acted like he was better than us, possibly because of his kick-ass utility belt. I’m just not sure. But I fought an urge to kick him full in the cockal region, almost from his first sneering words to me.
He was thorough, though. I didn’t like his attitude, but believe he did a good job. He crawled around our house on his knees, went inside the garage, walked around outside, climbed to the top of a telephone pole, etc. They don’t usually possess that level of give-a-shit. Ya know?
And it appears everything is fixed. The picture is now better than it’s ever been. He switched out some of the connector cables, and gave us a new DVR box. Our old DVR was reportedly on the verge of melting down, and was the source of most of our problems, he said.
Yeah, that’s fine. But what about Field of Dreams? I recorded it off HBO about three years ago, and was planning to watch it within in the next half-decade, or so. And now it’s gone! The bastards took my movie!!
I also had Damnation Alley recorded on that thing, and it’s not available on DVD (as far as I know). And a great documentary about the Brooklyn Dodgers, too.
Oh well. What are you going to do? We can’t very well watch Wipeout (Fatties Sliding Off Balls) in anything less than pure 1080p high definition, right? I guess the tradeoff is worth it…
And since we’re on the subject, is there a greater piece of technology from the past ten years or so than the DVR box? I can’t really think of anything better, it’s changed my life! What do you think? Also, if your DVR were to catch fire this very minute, would you lose anything gut-wrenching? Tell us about it. We’ll be your shoulder to cry on.
Please note: I posted something new and stoopid at mockable this morning, which renders my second update questionable today. I’ll try, but am rapidly running out of time here. It might appear at 3 am…
See ya next time!
Filed under: Daily
First, ha ha !!!
dammit
I’m gonna guess that by next week we will be back to one update a day- any takers?
Damn, if I had posted first, and read second, instead of the other way around, I’d be M-F-in’ FIRST!
I agree with tadpolegal
Have never owned a DVR. Got rid of cable a couple of years ago.
Gives me an excuse to go to the bar and watch my Reds play, which is the only way you can stomach their piss poor play over the last 6 weeks, a barful of liquor and a couple of buddies to comiserate with…what was the question?
@tadpolegal-I suspect you are correct!
I don’t own a DVR. I just don’t watch enough shows to justify it. I’m all sports and news, baby!
Damnation Alley is on Youtube.
Tada!
#10 two days in a row? What the hell?
On my Mockable days it’s going to be a challenge, but I like the more focused updates, and am going to try to keep it going. But, you’re probably right, tadpolegal… I’m not off to a very good start, am I?
And so it goes.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….
I have to agree about the versatility and convenience of the DVR. If mine were to shit the bed, I’d lose a few keepers.
Super Bowl XLIII where the Steelers beat the Arizona Cardinals, Game 7 of the Stanley Cup with the Penguins victory over the Detroit Red Wings.
A couple of movies too.
Reservoir Dogs
No Country for Old Men
My regularly scheduled programs like The Soup, Hell’s Kitchen and Mad Men.
We have a Tivo, and I can’t imagine life without it. I’d probably marry the damn thing if I weren’t already married.
Fortunately, the DVR attached to our B.A.T. allows me to move stuff onto separate harddrives, so I have a crapload of stuff safe should the DVR die. Now, whether or not the technology will still be around in say 10 years when I just hafta watch Goldfinger or Moonraker, well, that’s a whole other issue. My luck, I suspect it will all fail. The biggest thing we use the other DVR for is to stream Netflix stuff, although most of what is available for instant viewing is either ancient, crap or ancient crap.
I like the once a day posting…easier to read everyone’s comments too…but that’s just me.
Don’t really tape or DVR anything. If I did it would be every episode of Family Guy…it never gets old.
I don’t have a DVR yet. Most of my friends are computer programmers and/or physicists and every time I mention getting a DVR they go to great lengths to tell me what a wast of time and money they are. Apparently I could be using my computer as a DVR, only it’s better, infinity better. I just cant be bothered doing it as I don’t watch a lot of TV and what I do watch is in perpetual re-runs (Simpsons, Family Guy, etc.).
No DVR at the Tiny House, though I like the technology I’m not about to pay MORE to get to the cable tier that would allow me access to its sweet techhy goodness.
We watch such a laughably small amount of teevee that I should probably move down a tier anyhow, but I’m too lazy to call TMC to git ‘er done. Hey, sometimes a girl just NEEDS her HGTV, you know?
Jeff,
Don’t go to water over Damnation Alley. There’s a reason it hasn’t been released on DVD….
I’ve seen Damnation Alley many times, Tyrosine. I have a nostalgic fondness for it. If it’s ever released on DVD, I’ll be the first in line to buy a copy.
And I can’t believe so many people don’t have a DVR. Here’s a rule of thumb:
You might think you don’t need a DVR, however, you are wrong.
“Don’t go to water”…ha ha!
@bikerchick…I was thinking the same as far as the comments go but I did want to make any waves. Yesterday was sort of a clusterfuck to follow with a Sunday update thrown in (not complaining) but whatever I just need something to keep from going insane between the hours 8-5!
After internet connected PCs, TiVos are my favorite “recent” technology. On our 3rd TiVo, and expanded HD one, and it is really unusual for us to watch live TV. Even live events we start watching part way through so we can skip the corporations trying to sell us stuff. A great time saver. If you have a TiVo stick pyTiVo software on a PC and download the TiVo content to elsewhere (and v.v.)
If/when my TiVo dies I’ll buy another one ASAP, which is not true for most of the crap I own.
The only thing that can act in damnation alley is the ATV! Janet Jacksons boob lives in my DVR! I like my WSVR like my vitamins one a day! The Targe` story was amusing but hardly mocking! Wife rented Rachael getting married this week-end Root canal would have been less painful! How’s that for a focused update:)
P.S. My vote is for a single posting a day. It’s just easier to keep up with the commentating that way, as bikerchick said.
We have a DVR and the Evil Twin rules over it like a tyrannical dictator. We also have a DVD that records stuff as well, so once he gets a movie on the DVR, he will then transfer it to a DVD. So, he makes sure all his precious IFC and Sundance movies are safe.
If anyone else records anything, he’ll monitor that until the person in question either a) watches it or b) gives up on being badgered and just erases it. We tease him by saying his butthole gets all twitchy if we’re taking up an hour of recording time.
I really don’t watch much TV – spending most of my time hovered over my laptop, so I don’t much care that he’s so OCD about the thing. It makes him happy, so who am I to complain?
I love my DVR, don’t miss an issue of Two and Half Men. I should just buy the damn DVD’s but I like the commercials too.
I have a TiVo but I don’t use it as much as the wife does. She’s always recording those reality shows that feature midgets and people with way too many kids and some show where a queer and a brunette badger women for not having fashion sense.
I’m for the one a day when it comes to post. If you’re going to do extras maybe save it for Friday?
Also, laser beams.
redbutter hockey stick foxtrot Fonzie tube.
Hey, I’m getting pretty good at writing spam!
Tertiary.
The DVR is great, but you really need a sling box ( http://www.slingmedia.com ) to take full advantage of it…..
i got a dvr. i remember setting them up and my clients reaming me out that they could only record 1 thing while watching tv or 2 w/o…
like… throwing temper tantrums… which is even more hillarious when a 45 year old throws a URINETANTRUM over it….
No DVR yet, have had the same boxes from Dish Network for over 6 years and the bastards won’t allow us to upgrade without a hefty fee they even charge to replace remotes, SO we’re gonna up grade and switch to Direct. We live so far in the boonies we have to have satellite.
I also watch instant movies on my computer with the netflix and television shows on my computer with the zulu.com from time to time. I watched “No Country For Old Men” that way. Pretty good.
WB in OH…. OMG me too! I definately need this pick-me-up during my day. It’s a daily “happy hour” for me!
urinetantrum? LOL
Love the DVR – it’s filled with MythBusters episodes.
Wipeout’s big balls make me laugh every time.
Since I am my apartment complex’s resident bitch I get our classic cable (73 channels) and broadband for free. I guess I am too cheap to want another bill, even if it is for something as glorious as DVR!
I don’t have a DVR. I don’t even have cable. 5 yrs ago we made a choice between cable and the world wide webs. And you can figure out which one we chose.
When George Carlin died, SNL was scheduled to be a re-run that week. They ran the first episode instead, where Carlin hosted. It was so cool to step back in time, but the commercials were a shock to the system. I would have rather seen a commercial for a 1976 Plymouth Volaré, than commercials for the latest and greatest cars and trucks.
I still have yet to transfer that off the DVR.
Oh yeah, I almost never watch live TV anymore. It’s so great to record the evening news from 6:30 to 7:00; start watching at about 7:05 and finish by 7:10 or 7:15!
I was going to get a DVR until I found out they’re cancelling “The Guiding Light”.
Once a day with a couple or three topics is cool like always. As you see, if you miss a day, the comments keep rolling in. Have fun and keep it you…and them… and us…just sayin’
tadpole called this one early I think.:-)
Did that work?
Did what work?
Joe DiMaggio (further evidence) had a small uncircumcized penis. Who knew?
smiley face I haven’t pulled off in the last for trys..
and …I wasn’t looking that close Jason…I guess Marylin did?
Makes sense now. I had to look close, at first I thought it was a vagina with a generous labia. Maybe that’s why he and Marylin divorced? Prolly so.
@WB in OH Reds, piss poor? Oh…right. I still love them, but can’t watch the high lights any more. I listen from work on my xm which is just sad.
Maybe when I’m in town next week I can watch Adam Dunn beat them personally.
I personally love a vagina with a generous labia. One time one was so generous it gave me gonnamydia.
I don’t think “gonnamydia” is a real word. But whatever man. So you like it to feel like a horse is eating grain off of your crotch? Huge lips scraping across? Hey, whatever blows your hair back. It’s cool. Everybody loves somebody sometime.
I make up medical words all the time. It’s impressive. And quite frankly…I think I get it pretty close…if the condition actually existed.
You’ve heard about an ‘Optirectomy’…that one was mine!
end of the century, season one of east bound and down, the basketball diaries
I will also vote for once per day updates. Sometimes we get a half assed update – I dread to think what two quarter assed updates would be like.
Of course Damnation Alley is on DVD. The book is way better though.
I was about to contribute something but then it totally blew away w/ a brain fart.
I was about to contribute something and then I read “generous labia” and nearly choked on my dinner as it was coming back up. Now all I need is to couple “generous labia” with the word “moist”, and I’ll have the makings of a disaster on my hands. Jeez, I knew it. Uh-oh, here it comes. (gag…gag…cough..swallow….heave…)
DVRs are the shit. I love mine. In fact, when I upgrade to high freaking definition in a few months and toss out all the old units I’m installing two tuner DVRs on all my TVs. I’ll be a recording fool.
I’m really quite anal about having shit just sitting around on my DVR though. If that shit is on there I don’t rest until I catch everything up and clear everything out. I’ve got a half a dozen things recorded on mine now and I’ll plow through all of it before I go to bed tonight. Can’t let it get all stacked up or it bugs me.
Jeff – One WVSR update a day one every other day on Mockable. The Target #346 post was kickass.
What in the name of jeezum crow, I leave you folks for a minute and you turn it into a den of porn. Yeah, like I can talk. Tip to all, do not edit audio files at 1 am in the morning after a couple glasses of scotch. If I weren’t getting paid to do this. Not fun and windoze is not playing fair. Shiny out…
Jeff, buy a DVD recorder. I bought one at Sam’s for $90. It allows me to copy what I record on the DVR if I want to keep it forever or I use a DVD-RW to copy shit I want to watch down in the man cave by myself. Then I reuse the disc over and over.
I went forever without a DVR, could never go without again. Watching commercials is for suckers.
Commerical time is REFILL time, man! Without that, how on earth do you get your drink on?
OK all u labia-lovers out there….I work for a plastic surgeon and we do “labiaplasties” quite often…in fact, we did two last Friday…. in the office with a LOCAL anesthesia, meaning injections right to the woo-woo. I, personally, would NEVER do it but, hey…whatever floats your boat…heh…. Some girls actually do need the procedure. Looks like elephant ears down there. The guys don’t call her Dumbo for nuttin.
@ bikerchick – I will categorize that in things I would rather not want to know or visualize. But I image that if they could bring shade to small countries, it might be time for a little reduction. Don’t get me wrong, I like a little labia myself but thats in an entirely different context. But if your getting an echo and your not standing at the grand canyon, well you it may be time for a little “eh” nip and tuck. OK, I said my piece and I am gonna leave it alone, tuddles, I’m outta here.
bikerchick,
What do you do with the leftovers? I agree that some women need to have things trimmed up down there. This one girl I dated (for a VERY short peroid of time) could have used that procedure. Her labia looked like an open faced roast beef sandwich.
Jeff – Dammit update quick – this is going south fast – we are taking on water here – quicikly sinking. Help, can I get some help here?
My field of expertiese is psychological damage due to exposure to…”Weird shit”…and I think I just caught something.
@ T. Farty: Once they shrivel up…they can be used for jewelry.. HA.. Acutally, they just get pitched.
I was thinking they’d make good catfish bait.
@Tiff….I have a fully stocked midi-fridge right next to the La-z-Boy in the cave and a pause button for the five steps to the local bathroom to drain.
my last comment got eaten up….by giant meat curtains
I can hear the man down at the dock now pushing his pu**y flavored catfish doughballs “now with real pu**y parts in them”
If my DVR bit the shit today I would lose out on all of the 2008 Olympics, Scarface, and American Psycho. Scarface is always on one of the movie channels, though, and I think I have American Psycho on regular DVD somewhere (it’s my favorite movie). The Olympics, though… how would I ever find out who wins?!
Adam,
It’s easy. Michael Phelps won gold medals in everything. Including, hockey, breakdancing, and speed dating.
I too have no DVR. It seems cool and all, but I don’t watch enough TV to justify it. Even though I am in some ways a technology whore.
Jeff, on August 4th, 2009 at 1:54 pm Said:
“You might think you don’t need a DVR, however, you are wrong.”
Well, maybe I should reconsider. This reminds me of the raging Pan Flute controversy: http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/020605/panflute-flowchart.gif