Lies, Disrepect, and Suspicious Sausage
The younger Secret was sick all weekend, and now the older boy is home from school a-sneezin’, a-snottin’, and a-hackin’. Fan-flipping-tastic! I feel like I’m sitting, right this very minute, inside a cloud of illness particles.
He’s going to the doctor at 4 pm, and hopefully they’ll make him better. And we can get some Lysol up in this bitch. Sweet sainted mother of Mary Mallon!
I was informed, about an hour ago, that the retro t-shirts are ready for pickup. I’ll get ‘em on Thursday, my next day off, and try to put them in the mail on Monday. I’ll have a few XL and 2X left over, so if you want one….
Also, the T-Shirt Lady tells me there was a mix-up at T-Shirt Lady Labs, and a full batch of maroon shirts were run with the Evil Twin leapin’ catfish logo. So, the shirts are maroon, and the design is orange and white. She’s going to let me have those for a discount, if I want.
I’ll take a look, and see how hideous they are. If they’re not too bad, I might take them off her hands and pass the savings on to you. I should be able to sell them for $10 each, postage included. I’ll post a pic of the “miscommunication shirt” as soon as possible.
Who knows? Maybe it’s one of those fortunate accidents? Probably not, but maybe.
Over the weekend I watched two or three episodes of a show called World’s Strictest Parents, or somesuch. Have you seen this? It appears on some unknown cable channel, way up the dial.
The concept is fairly interesting… They take a couple of smart-ass, disrespectful, out-of-control teenagers, and make them live with a Ned Flanders-style family somewhere. Then they chronicle the friction.
Most of the kids made me crazy. Sarcastic little shits, one and all. If I ever talked to my parents the way they apparently do… well, it would’ve only happened once. Let’s just put it that way. Wow!
But one of them made me laugh. He was also an asshole straight-up, but was creative with it. Know what I mean? It wasn’t just the standard hollering of profanity, and slamming of doors. He would calmly argue with the host parents, being completely smart-alecky and infuriating, in a subdued, conversational tone. He was a different style of asshole, which I appreciated. He had skills.
Of course I couldn’t admit any of this out loud. So, don’t tell anyone, OK?
And just for the record… the “strict parents” irritated me too. What a bunch of humorless goodie-goodies. The natural reaction, for anyone with an, um, adventurous streak, would be to screw up the operation. None of it was overly surprising, and some of it I applauded. Secretly, inside my head.
Anyway.
A guy at work brought in a large freezer bag filled with “homemade sausage.” He said he and his buddies drank beer and “smoked” over 100 pounds of the stuff on Saturday.
He handed me one, and it looked like one of Andy’s yard crullers. I instantly smelled the smokiness of it, but was exceedingly skeptical. Homemade sausage? Made by a bunch of beer-guzzling cuppa-two-trees? Visions of salmonella danced in my head.
“Thanks. I’ll try it in a little while,” I told him, and laid it on a legal pad beside my keyboard.
When I picked it up, an hour later, there was a grease stain on the paper. But I sniffed the thing, and had to admit… it smelled like something I’d enjoy. So I took a tentative bite, and it was really good. I couldn’t choke down the whole thing, but ate most of it.
And so far, blood hasn’t exploded from my ass. I’ll keep you posted.
Are you ever put in that situation? Somebody at work, or wherever, brings in something they’re very proud of, and wants your reaction — right now? How did it work out for you?
A quick note to all the Westerberg/Replacements fans out there: six new Paul Westerberg songs were released today, and can be downloaded here. Also, the EP is available on CD. I haven’t heard it yet, but plan to grab it before I leave for work in a few minutes. Let me know what you think.
And I’ll leave you now with the Question of the Day… What lies have you told since getting out of bed this morning? I can only think of one: when Toney called she asked if I’d remembered to unload the dishwasher. My answer was a bold-faced lie, but I’ve covered my ass in the interim.
What about you? What lies have you told today? Is it possible to go through an entire day without telling, at least, a tiny white lie? I somehow doubt it.
I’ll be back tomorrow.
See ya then.
Filed under: Daily
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!!!!!
Phuck!
third? yea!!
First!!!!
damn
Nickel
I’m all up in this top ten.
Crap!!!
Upset by further evidence.
Top Ten?
OK, now that we’ve got the positions and posturing out of the way…..
I can honestly say that I have not told a lie, a little white lie, a half troof or a fib so far today. Yet.
Or am I lying about that?
as far as questionable foods or “special recipes” that co-workers have offered up, last year for the office Christmas party, one of the receptionist baked up a mess she called Poor Man’s pierogies. It was, I think, lasagne noodles, instant mashed potatoes and sauerkraut. It was…absolutely….fuckin’….disgusting.
But, I forcibly swallowed a forkful or two, grimaced a smile, and nodded approvingly. As soon as she left the room I deep sixed the rest and gargled with Pine Sol.
Everyone else saw my reaction and no one touched the rest of it.
She actually put the remnants in the refrigerator so we could “have some later”. That shit sat in the ‘fridge til almost New Years until someone finally pitched it.
I’m getting nauseous and a little emotional just thinking about that traumatic experience.
I told the lady at the store I hoped she had a nice day. Blatant lie; I couldn’t care less how her day goes.
Yeah, I’m dangerous.
I’m too hungover today to remember how many lies I’ve told. I’m doing my best to avoid all human contact.
We go through a lot of deer summersausage (sp?) at the office and to date no ill effects. A couple of the girls bring in cakes and cookies and what not but it’s all good.
Not yet today, but I work in an office with only one co-worker for most of the day, so I really haven’t gotten warmed up yet.
Top 20!
Have not told a lie today. I’m someone who almost never tells a lie. Really, I’m not lying. And I don’t generally do things I don’t want to do just to be “polite.” For example, if someone handed me a home-made sausage (or even a store-bought sausage for that matter), I’d say “no thanks.” If I did eat something someone made, and I didn’t like it, and they asked me if I liked it, I’d say “no,” and would explain what it is about it that I didn’t like. If people can’t handle the truth, then fuck ‘em, it’s not my problem. Ya don’t wanna know that I think your fudge brownies are over-cooked and dry? Then A) Don’t offer me one; and/or B) Don’t ask me if I liked it.
I would have been OK on the lying thing, but this morning, I got a phone call from a lawyer. I wasn’t going to lie, but it was just too easy. They almost encourage it!
I consider it a lie every time I smile and say nothing, all the while thinking something horrendous and rude in my head. Happens more than I care to admit.
I’m hiding out at home today and haven’t seen or spoken to anyone yet. However, I did post a link and a comment on Facebook that offended someone. After The Offended emailed me to tell me how mean my comment was, I put on the proverbial smiley face and apologized. But I wasn’t sorry in the least. Comment stands. Get over it, sweetheart. The offensive remark? I quoted a website that stated, “Women shouldn’t be allowed to have baby showers unless they know who the father is.”
Now I’m left to wonder whether The Offended’s husband is really the father of her child. Hmmmm….
No lies today as of yet, but of course does it matter? Who do I have to lie to to get a stinking martini around here?
Brynhildr – Mean, yes. Maybe it was immaculate conception?
Brynhildr: I’m just against baby showers period. Particularly when they run up against a good football game. It’s too bad scientists can’t harness the power of annoying twee that goes on at those things. We’d have all our energy problems solved.
Yesterday was my birthday, if anyone cares, and it was a shitty birthday all around. I’m in a funk today because of it, so no lying here. Just bald-faced, probably offensive comments.
Happy fucking birthday Gretchen!!,,no lie.
Happy Birthday Gretchen, he,he. Your getting ah heck, forget it, I can lie.
Gretchen – sorry your birthday was shitty. Hope the next one is better.
Happy Birthday Gretchen!!
maybe tonight to celebrate we can go around Pittsburgh and beat up a stinkin’ protestin’ hippie n ‘at.
SOmeone continually brings in homemade donuts to work. They asked if I tried them and liked them. I recall eating one once when I was at 295, and they continually leave a couple at my desk, because I told them it was good. I take them out and feed the ducks on a smoke break. They tasted like unleavened bread, with powdered sugar on them. I still get the donuts brought to me, and the ducks are getting pissed off.
On IPOD right now- “Crazy Train”- Ozzy
Regarding food at the office:
If someone offers me something that I don’t think I will like, I just politely decline it. I don’t think I’ve tried anything that was absolutely hideous, thank god.
If I bring something in to share with the office folk, I just set it out and let people take it if they want it. I don’t shove it in anyone’s face.
And I haven’t lied today. Yet.
Oh yeah, the lying thing. My boss asked me what I was doing for the next three days, since I am taking them off. I told him I was leaving the state, so he won’t call me if a crucial decision about water use happens or something.
Anyone see Manning work the magic last night? 14 minutes of possession to 45 for Miami. Scored at will.
On IPOD right now- “Die, All Right”- The Hives
Gretch — fuck birthdays. you don’t need them anyway.
As far as the questionable food items and being put on the spot, everybody that knows me knows that when offered homemade food they’ll get a polite “no thank you”. If enough other people eat it then I’ll sneak some later, but I have issues with eating food cooked in kitchens I’ve never seen. I’m not overly picky about restuarant food because I’m in the place where they,re making it, but when people bring new foods in from “home” visions of cockroaches dance in my head and I can’t bring myself to eat it.
KYDave – I was think more of the little booger grabbers having their hot little nose pickers all over the goodies. Egads, the Holiday grazing season is almost upon us.
Just 1 lie today “I enjoyed the WVSR post.” AaaauugHaHaHa !
Just Kidding I lie to my boss, friends, wife, kids, dog, parents, and myself daily. I just cannot help myself. It’s like having a severe case of lying turrets syndrome. They come from nowhere and for no apparent reason.
AWG-I needed big numbers from Wayne and Addai for my fantasy football league (fuck off, yes I’m one of those guy’s) and fell miserably short, but you are correct sir, Peyton was absolutely brilliant.
Gretchen-Cheer up, at least you’re still sucking air, it can only get better.
Happy Fuckin’ Birthday, Gretchen. Hate the wretched things myself.
Don’t think I’ve lied today yet, but it’s not quite one here in CA, so I have plenty of time left.
I’m with Swami. I don’t lie about other people’s food. I will tell you if I don’t like it and WHY I don’t like it, so if you don’t want to hear, don’t ask. As I get older, my mouth filter gets thinner, so deal with it.
Happy Tuesday, Surfers!
Happy birthday Gretchen!
I can’t lie. Must be some jacked-up family gene I got stuck with. It gets me in more trouble than lieing…fuck.
SR – Mean? Really? Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think it right to make a big to-do about a woman who doesn’t know who the father of her child is. I mean, unless you’re the victim of rape, you should know — even if he is only ID’d as Jim the bartender from the Old Man Bar. If you don’t know, it means among other things that a) you’ve had UNPROTECTED sex with a number of people within a short period of time (anyone interested in a potential STD?); or b) you had UNPROTECTED sex with someone you didn’t remotely know and can’t locate. I am no Puritan, but for heaven’s sake, at least use a condom while you sleep around!
Here, I’ll reward your irresponsible behavior with a big party where we all pretend that the baby was totally planned and was conceived in love. And you’re going to be the best mother ever. Where is the sense of shame?
Whenever I go to the world headquarters of my Fruit Bat Guano empire I always carry a suitcase full of meat with me. This morning I noticed that the receptionist, Babs, was looking blue. I plopped the suitcase down on her desk and opened it. “What’s wrong Babs, you on your period?” “No Mr. McAppleass, I’m just having a rough morning.” “Well reach in here and get yourself some meat.” She hesitated for a moment and I said, “Come on now toots, whatever you don’t eat I’m taking to the homeless shelter.” So she grabbed a couple of bags of cooked ground beef, several cans of potted meat, and a whole jar of bacon bits.
I’m good like that. I enjoy lifting spirits.
Happy Birthday Gretchen!
I tell lies constantly, the most extravagant lies I can think of. It’s served me well. The wise people of this world know that lies are the way to riches and happiness. They’ve convinced the rest of the world that lies are “bad”. Don’t buy it brothers and sisters. Lie, lie, lie.
Gretchen- Happy Birthday, a day late. Hope today is much better. I, too, hate birthdays. But then all my friends are selfish pricks and Wally always has to work.
I lie every time I open my mouth at work. I lie when i act like I give a shit that so and so can’t pay their rent, or The Ghetto Bitch with 5 kids has no hot water because she ‘forgot’ to pay her gas bill. I lie when I tell my boss that she is a good person.
Brynhilder- I agree 100%.
Jason — Were you speaking as a real estate professional or was that your cheese-lovin’ persona coming through?
Happy Birthday, Gretchen!
I told my son we were using up the last band-aid this morning on his big toe so he wouldn’t pull it off if I didn’t get it just right (he already rejected my first attempt). I don’t know for sure if I was lying or not. I know we didn’t have any more jumbo bandaids, so I could be called on a technicality. It could argued either way in a court of law.
So now, that reminds me, I have to go buy more jumbo big toe band-aids. crap.
Thanks for all the birthday greetings, guys! I should have mentioned it yesterday when it actually was my birthday, but I had to leave my computer before Jeff posted. I’m slightly more cheered.
I’m lying right now…
Birthdays pretty much blow after you reach the age of 25, I think that is the last time your car insurance drops. After that what else is there to look forward to, 30, 40, 50…big effin deal.
Brynhildr-I can’t believe someone actually defended that position. Having a baby shower and not knowing who the father is would be classless, woohoo great job fornicating while you were fertile with some stranger.
Jason-I think I’ll give lying a shot you have been a source of great information so I trust you know what you’re talking about.
Every year around the holidays, the Evil Twin’s mom’s husband (we don’t call him step or anything – she married him when the Evil Twin was in his 30s) makes assorted food items, like cheeseballs, homemade sausage, etc. and then brings us a whole batch of it.
Now, we know these people freeze containers of milk. They buy the 5 gallon vat of Mayo at Sam’s (there are only 2 of them), so I know things are generally rotten at best. After their holiday visits, it all goes in the trash.
Sorry – forgot to say Happy Birthday to Gretchen!
Sorry it was shitty, I hope you can make up for it this weekend.
Brynhildr,
The real estate professional and the cheese-lovin’ persona are one and the same.
Bryn – You should have been there when my daughter told me she was pregnant at 14 and she did not know who the father was other than it was some guy she met through an online chat room. It took every bit of patience and calm I had to keep from saying something. Then, the ex gets on the phone and asks me if I am going to send something for the baby shower. So do I understand your point? Because it was my daughter, I had to do a lot of tongue biting. But, if they could have read my mind.
JCIII: I would, but I’m afraid of becoming permanently entangled in hippie armpit pelt.
P
What a coincidence that we are talking about workplace food today. We have a guy who works in maintenence here who I would describe as a little odd. He has recently purchased a smoker and now fancy’s himself as an expert in the area. Last month he brought in Jerky that he made from hamburger meat. I did not eat it, but heard that it was terrible. Then this morning, he comes in with a baggie containing a strangely colored meat. He came into my office and removed one of these peices of meat from the bag with his bare hands and just put it on my desk. I was then informed that he went out and bought a pork butt, cured it and smoked it for only 2 hours and the result was ham.
Not knowing anything about the smoking process, I am thinking that 2 hours is not a very long time to smoke raw pork- Am I wrong?
None the less, I tossed it out as soon as he walked away as those same bare hands that put the mystery meat on my desk was scrubbing toilets only moments before!
Lie today- I told him it was good.
KYDave- I agree
Brynhildr,
I’ve got a tenant who was at a party and apparently decided it would be fun to try a gang bang. She made the first guy wear a condom, but it broke, so she saw no reason to use condoms for the next 4 or 5 guys. As a consequence she has no idea who the father is. In theory you could do genetic testing, but to do that she’d have to know their names….
She’s now 26 and is pregnant with #8.
Don’t think I’ve lied today. But pretty sure I’ve been lied to.
The kid in the office brought some squid candy or some-such back from Japan. I paid lip service to it but never tried it. It helps that we are different shifts. Sesame seeds are not candy.
Happy Bday Gretchen. Mine was last Sunday, my present was the Bengals blowing the game but then I got drunk and had some Pat Murphy time.
I’ve met so many September birthdays this year, I wonder why people are being born in September…..hmmmmm.
Lies today? Shockingly none, but that’s not normal. By this point in he day I usually have to tell at least one or two just to grease the machinery of social interaction.
Happy belated birthday, t-storm. I can’t speak for others, but I’ve done the math and decided that my parents were celebrating their wedding anniversary, which falls shortly after Christmas. Perhaps many other September babies are the result of revelries in the holiday season.
tadpolegal-I’m no expert but I smoked a 4-pound turkey breast for 2-1/2 hours and my neighbor did an 8 pound pork butt for about 5 1/2. Both were perfect, or we had enough to drink by the time we pulled them. I would think that the mystery meat was prolly raw in the middle.
So that makes me a somebodies Christmas eve present.
EVT – you can freeze milk????
3 jobs ago, a co-worker came to my place to watch football. I think the Broncos were in the later rounds of the playoffs, so it’s be a long time ago….. Anyway, he & his father had made Italian sausage, and he brought 6 of them. Chopped up a couple, mixed them in to a spaghetti sauce – f’ing delicious!!!! Thanks, Cass!!
Shiny Rod- I’ll take a martini, dry, hold the olive, vermouth, and glass.
I’ve heard that there are more people born in the month of September than any other month of the year. I’ve heard the same about October (my month) so I’m not real sure.
Pardon my typo. It’s been, not It’s be…….
My sister & I are both October, and aside from my wife & my parents, almost everyone I know has a September, October, or November birthday. Maybe it has something to do with being born in a state with more than one season. Not much else to do when there’s 3+ feet of snow on the ground…
SR – I’m sure anyone would want their grandchild to be born under different circumstances, and I have more sympathy for a 14-year-old getting herself into that kind of trouble than I do an adult. Would I want to punish my daughter or shame her for getting pregnant at 14? Certainly not. Her life as a young, unwed mother will be hard enough without me adding to the problem. But I would want my daughter (and her friends as well) to recognize the seriousness of the situation, that babies are not all fun and games and presents, that the responsibility is life-changing and lifelong. Relatives will buy gifts for the baby whether or not there is a shower. My time and energy would be better spent teaching my daughter the skills she will need to be a good mother and provide for her child.
It always amuses me, in reading the comments, that 2 or 3 additional subjects gets mixed in with the original subjects and question of the day. I think it’s great! Makes for interesting reading. Its like one of those TV shows that have several storylines going on at the same time and the viewer has to keep track of them all. I’m still quite new to the surf report and still kinda figuring out who’s who in this “cast of characters”, but I can tell that y’all are a close-knit bunch! Again, I think its great and enjoy everyones comments very much!
…and that is no lie!
If I ever have a daughter I plan on putting her on birth control sometime before her 3rd birthday. We’ll make it a game.
What time is it Courtney T-Storm Smith?
No baby candy time!
Yay! Good job!
And then I’ll show her all the shit she can have with a college education.
Now if little Tecumseh Swayze Rocketship wants to have relations with a girl I will take him out to a strip club, get him drunk (but not puke drunk), and buy him a nice car. I will then take the car away and tell him that all of those other things will be taken away too if he has a kid.
My sister and her husband used to make ammonia cookies. Yes, you heard right. Some kind of lemon cracker cookie thing. And they made so many they kept them in a trash bag. Good thing as I would never touch em.
Ammonia!!1 The fuck are you thinking?
An old Chinese woman who I worked with (up until she got laid off recently) would love to bring in homemade ‘traditional’ Chinese food items. She had a real rough go of the English language but she took a shining to me, so I was her “traditional” Chinese food guinea pig.
One day she came in and had hard boiled eggs that looked like they had fallen into a tar pit. These things were dark black and smelled funky! Apparently these are only served at holidays and people love them over there. They are cooked in a big batch of soy sauce and brown sugar! WTS?! There she stood, proudly holding them out to me and I had to take a bite and choke it down with her clapping in front of me. I did the standard “It’s really good” lie as she beamed. When she turned her head I quickly tossed it into the trash & proceeded to chew on air for her enjoyment. She offered me seconds, which I declined. Another Chinese coworker passed by who smelled the eggs and gladly ate the rest of the bag. He devoured that crap! He told me in China it’s considered candy. I told him that in America, it’s considered shit.
I did tell one lie that is actually sad today. My 10 year old dog died on Saturday, quite unexpectedly in my arms. It was very sad, but I made it to work yesterday, although I was a zombie. A coworker heard about it & came up to me crying sharing sad dead dog stories so I was upset. Today she came by and said, ‘You okay today?’. Well, not wanting to have a repeat of yesterday’s soap opera I said, ‘I’m feeling much better, thank you.’ Of course I feel like shit and want to go home and hide, but I felt in this case, lying would be better.
Now playing on iPhone: (Audiobook) ‘A Prayer for Owen Meany’ by John Irving (Unabridged)
Melissa – sorry about your dog
kristin ~ My folks used to freeze both bread and milk when i was growing up. I never thought they tasted real good after they were thawed out. Of course, the milk separates into water and whatever, and you have to shake it to remix it and turn it back into “milk”. They both had a crappy taste after being “rejuvinated”.
Oh, and Happy Birthday to Gretchen and anyone else on the board born in September or October. I’ll throw in November too since honestly I forget everything and won’t remember to wish it next month!
And all baby showers are stupid. As are wedding showers. If I cared about your wedding or uterus, I’d mail a gift card. Bah!
Melissa: So sorry about your dog. I still cry for mine and she died nine years ago. As for your egg story, it sounds like the dreaded “thousand year eggs”. Did it look like this?:
http://www.thekitchn.com/thekitchn/ancient-eggs-and-other-strange-foods-from-my-childhood-091553
And be wary feint of heart and stomach, it’s a gruesome site to behold. It still gives me nightmares, but you can’t un-see what has been seen!
Melissa, my condolences to you. I grieved for two years when my dog died. She was old, had lived a good life, but wasn’t having any fun anymore (cataracts, hip problems, doggy dementia, with lots of confusion, and in terrible arthritic pain) I had to pull the plug. I understand what you’re going through.
Suddenly I am interested in the oops retro shirts.
Maroon and orange quite ugly indeed plus the nostalgic
purchase would honor the T-Shirt Lady who does high quality work.
I’ve gotten some downright unwearable tshirts
*cough* rocketboom *cough*
in the past and I still wear the navy blue smokingfish.
Looking fwd to it.
I have nothing worthwhile to contribute to today’s conversation. Thanks for making me laugh though.
Oh I almost forgot about my uncle who regularly serves up roadkill for Sunday dinner. It’s common knowledge with the rest of the family that you never ever eat anything that comes from Uncle Mark’s house.
Why aren’t the kids emptying the dishwasher, doing the dishes, cutting the grass and picking up the dog crap? I’m telling your Dad. It’s a slippery slope my friend.
Put me down for one of the oops retro shirts too.
Thank you all for the offering of support. That is very helpful, and I fully appreciate it. And that’s no lie!
Gretchen, that is it!! Oh geezum, that is nasty stuff! I can’t believe you found that! Now everyone take note and stay away from anything boasting to be a thousand years old!
There’s an Asian supermarket down the street from me, and let me tell you….I’ve seen some weird shit in there. Especially in the meat counter
Pig uterus.
Eeeww.
@Gretchen Happy Birthday, damnit!
(Sorry it was not a good one. I had a bad one once so I decided to not count it! LOL)
@t-storm Happy Belated Birthday
@Melissa
So sorry you lost your dog. We lost our Ranger a few months back. Just be glad you were there to hold him/her.
Share a picture if you can!
Melissa: I stumbled across that posting back in July and have never been able to forget it. As an avowed egg-hater it’s nearly intolerable to me. I imagine Satan will prepare a whole feast of those nasties on the event of my arrival. I can’t believe you stuck that in your mouth! You’re a brave girl.
~Melissa
I’m sorry as well. Unfortunately, I prepping myself for the same inevitable. My good old dog is 11 this October and of late, he’s been having real trouble going up and down stairs, getting up from lying down and visa versa and has had a few incontinence issues which he never ever had before.
Poor old gray muzzy dog. I’m going to be a real mess too when that time comes.
@Gretchen: You’d be surprised what’s gone in…..well, you get it!
@CitizenX: Stupid work filters won’t let me access flickr. But I will try to attach a pic through my FB account. Hope it will let you view it!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1079749066&ref=profile#/photo.php?pid=690674&id=1079749066
Oh yeah, her name was Lucy. She was my sweetheart.
AWWW! Lucy! Yes, I see her.
She looks like a Lucy. Very sprite!
..and access to the album it sits in FYI
Melissa, what a pretty girl she was!
Melissa – Lucy was a very cute dog. So sorry she had to leave you
That’s cool. I don’t mind if you see the album, or any other. I got nuttin’ to hide!
You can friend me if you like!
Just wanted to make sure you were aware is all.
Melissa- Sorry about Lucy. That sucks so bad. I have 3 furbabies and no real babies. I am dreading the day…
Those eggs, efing gross!
@ kristin – Yep, you can freeze it (I don’t recommend it), but they would pour a little off the top, to allow for expansion and then throw it in the freezer. If I have coffee at their house, it’s strictly with sugar only! Blech!
@melissa – Sorry to hear about your dog. After my beloved cat passed away, I just reminded myself of the Lord Alfred Tennyson quote: “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Sorry about your pup Melissa. She looks like the type of dog who’s always ready to entertain her people by doing something goofy. She was a very pretty girl with wise, soulful eyes.
@Citizen: No worries and I hope I didn’t come off as harsh there! You all are so funny I’d love to have you guys on my FB! As of now I just have boring family and Jeff. What fun is that?!
@Everyone: Thank you all so much! I can’t tell you how just reading your comments has brightened my mood. This has been really tough but just sharing her picture has helped me spread her love. Thanks again you guys!
Oh, and Jeff, I can’t wait for my shirts to come! I got me the retro & the fish!
Sorry Melissa. Good people=good dogs and vice versa. She’ll always be with you.
Happy B day there Gretchen. Hey…look on the bright side. You’re one a year younger than you will be next year at this time.
I told a lie to myself today. I told myself I would not by any wine today. Well…Bev said she was making a pizza for tonight. So…there you go!
I never ate work place food. A very neat girl who was a baking freak would bring all sorts of stuff (not just for me). Cookies and carrot cake and all sorts of home made stuff. I always said, “No thanks”, and I’m now sure that hurt her feelings. I was a prick and I feel like crap for that now. Ten years ago.
Melissa,
I can’t see your picture of Lucy. I guess because we’re not friends. I’m going to send you a friend request. Look for the guy who has a very inappropriate picture as his profile picture (kidding).
Jason
@Jason
I could see and I am not FB friends with her
Try again?
CitizenX,
I tried again. It takes me to a facebook people search page and shows Melissa (I assume) and says “is this the Melissa _____ you were looking for”? or somesuch.
Bryn – You should know me by now. When I end a comment with a sarcastic statement, I’m just try to get your goat. My daughter and I have had lots of talks about this and we have worked through this with a great understanding. She knows it was a mistake but she is working through it. She knows her dad supports her regardless, I may have been upset but it was more towards her mother for keeping the incident a secret until she was almost ready to have the baby.Yes, I did eventually send her some baby gifts once I got over my anger. baby showers have there place but some people don’t understand the protocol for celebrating the event. Finally, no you are not mean.
@Jason: We’re friends now!
Now I see Lucy. Cutie! Sorry Melissa!
PS – I count the number of years I have to live by subtracting my oldest daughter’s age from 18. Then I figure I’ll be involed in some kind of gunfight with a shitbag who thinks he loves her and I might lose. All this talk about pregnant at 14 is making me sick. It means I have 4 less years to live! There’s so much to do! Fuck!
Jason _ Don’t sweat it man. Your a good father. Keep doin what your doin.
top 100, again!
Reserve me an XL orange and white on maroon
collectors Special Edition Tshirt please.
At least till I can see what they look like.
At 3:30am they seem like a good idea.
I will of course pay extra for the hazardous sea journey to the land of the lovers of Libya!
(did any of you guys catch that over there and does anyone really care about a dying arab who seems to have been ‘stitched up’ in the first place? If no one answers ,you’ll be affirming my suspicions! )
Jeff – I’m good for one of the “miscommunication” shirt’s. Matches the VT colors perfectly.
Upper management in my office is always trying to push potlucks on us in lieu of catering or an event off site. So far this has been successfully avoided. The primary argument has been some of the things that have happened in our restrooms. If someone is that gross at work, imagine what their homes are like, and the offenders are unknown, so there is no way to avoid the filth. So, yeah, I try to not eat stuff at work that people bring from home.
And, really, I don’t know why they care if a party is catered or takes place off site. We pay for our own parties, the office doesn’t. Ridiculous.
Bryn , I think I am with you on the baby shower thing. I don’t think I have ever been invited to a shower under the circumstances you describe, but I am just against baby showers on GP.
Have I lied yet today? Don’t think so, I’m not much of a liar, but I lied quite a bit recently at a baby shower where I ooohhed and aahhhed lots of things that I didn’t really find adorable.
Gretchen – Happy birthday!
t-storm – Happy birthday!
Melissa – Sorry to hear about Lucy. Dogs are awesome.
Oh, and Gretchen, thanks fir the 1000 year egg page. You are right, that will haunt me for a very long time.
Ian, are you referring to something more recent than the Lockerbie release? If it is something else, I am watching BBC news right now, so I might catch it.
Heavy Hundred, at least as of this writing.
The only food-from-a-coworker occasion I can think of was when a guy brought in some deer jerky he had made – and it was fantastically delicious. Man, it makes me salivate to think about. And huntin’ season is coming up, which I never thought I’d be looking forward to.
Oh, and there’s also Breakfast Club, about which one does not talk :^) Every Friday, one member brings in food for all the other members. It works out that each person has to ‘provide’ about four times a year, so not too heinous. And those who can’t cook at least have the wisdom not to try – they pick up breakfast burritos at Anita’s, or whatever.
Knucklehead, I know what you mean about the filter. I think it’s just a manifestation of decreasing bullshit tolerance.
Melissa, I’m so sorry about your poor puppy. I’ve been there, and it’s no good.
Ian the Errolite,
Let me be the first to affirm your suspicions. Dying Arab? Stitches? WTF? Is this going to raise my gas prices? Outrageous! Somebody bomb something, this is absurd!
HAHA! How’s that?
Jason, I am not positive, but I think Ian’s cryptic comment is regarding Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi, a Libyan who was convicted in 2001 of involvement in the 1988 bombing of PanAm flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland. 270 people were killed including 190 Americans. Mr. Megrahi was to serve a life sentence but was recently released by the Scottish government on compassionate grounds because he is terminally ill with cancer and has less than three months to live.
Ian – Did I guess right?
SR – I come from a long line of sarcastic bastards and most often when sarcasm is employed around here, it is to cover for an opinion that the rest of us would find shameful.
Bryn – I guess I stepped into that one without looking. So, just back the bus up and finish me off…
Of missing birthdays, departed dogs, dead cats and lost souls:
My man, Kinky Friedman, wrote the prose that follows as the epilogue to his 1993 book, “Elvis, Jesus, and Coca-Cola”. I’ve had too damn many reasons to refer to it in the intervening years.
Epilogue
On January 4, 1993, the cat in this book and the books that preceded it was put to sleep in Kerrville, Texas, by Dr. W.H. Hoegemeyer and myself. Cuddles was fourteen years old, a respectable age. She was as close to me as any human being I have ever known.
Cuddles and I spent many years together, both in New York, where I first found her as a little kitten on the street in Chinatown, and later on the ranch in Texas. She was always with me, on the table, on the bed, by the fireplace, beside the typewriter, on top of my suitcase when I returned from a trip.
I dug Cuddles’ grave with a silver spade, in the little garden by the stream behind the old green trailer where both of us lived in the summertime. Her burial shroud was my old New York sweatshirt and in the grave with her is a can of tuna and a cigar.
A few days ago I received a sympathy note from Bill Hoegemeyer, the veterinarian. It opened with a verse by Irving Townshend: “We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own live within a fragile circle…”
Now, as I write this, on a gray winter day by the fireside, I can almost feel her light tread, moving from my head and my heart down through my fingertips to the keys of the typewriter. People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.
They say when you die and go to heaven all the dogs and cats you’ve ever had in your life come running to meet you.
Until that day, rest in peace, Cuddles
KINKY FRIEDMAN
FEBRUARY 5, 1993
MEDINA, TEXAS
Melissa: So sorry about your dog. I have an 11 year old pug with cataracts, arthritis, and on the verge of heart failure. I will be in a fetal position when that fateful day comes. They are with you through thick and thin…doesn’t seem fair.
I don’t eat “funky” meat, so I would have had to pass on the “homemade” snausages. Blecch. But it always seems like I get fooled on cookies. Someone brings a plate in at work or where ever and they look delicious….take a bite and OMG…a little puke comes up.
johnthebasket-I’m not a pet person but having read your post I feel like I understand you guys a little better. Thanks
@bikerchick: Yesterday was a ‘decent’ day (meaning I could get through it with talking and thinking about her without crying), but today I woke up and already have cried four times, am sitting at my desk staring at her picture wondering why and am feeling a pain so deep in my chest I can only hope it’s a heart attack.
This losing an animal shit sucks. How cruel that the one creature in the world who will love you so unconditionally is ripped from you when you least expect it. It’s just wrong.
Sorry, but this is all I’m going to get finished before leaving for work today: http://tinyurl.com/nonuvs I’ll shoot for a 3 am update, but that’ll depend on a thousand ball-busting factors.
See you guys soon.
johnthebasket — Thanks for posting that. Now I’m gonna have to work towards gettin’ to heaven someday. I was just as content to go to that other place down below to be with all my human friends but you’ve gone and ruined it for me. Dammit.
Here’s to seein’ Tootsie, Whiskey, Bauzie, Hasso, Pepper, Max, Lobo, Shayla, Boo Boo, Hannah, Gage, Scooter, Sammy, Sara, Toby, Sage, Sasha, and Lala again after I die. That’s a whole lotta canine and feline love, but I’m still hoping I have some time and that the list will be longer before my number’s up.
shitmydadsays – “You’re gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it’s not the size of the asshole you worry about, it’s how much shit comes out of it.”
Baby Showers- especially at work, are a No-Go. Congratulations you procreated, im not chipping in for a “babies R Us” gift card…Buy your own damn stroller.
Food- I’m particular about it…i dont like the taste of anyone elses kitchen and lord knows what they put into that baked ziti. I also have friends that are “freegans” wich means they “dumpster dive” and that’ll get you questioning foreign food items real quick.
lies- someone asked me at work about this news story with the duct taped cat(http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/bizarre&id=7027337)…and i pretended it was horrible but really i laughed because while the story is sad the picture is hilarious
I just saw the craziest man alive. I’m sitting at a model home and this guy walks in the door soaking wet. He was jerking and twitching and saying off the wall shit. His eyes were fucked. I’ve never seen anything like it. He pulled a wad of cash out of his shirt pocket and asked to buy the house. I told him that he’d need more money and he started laughing hysterically.
Then he said, “Uh, listen, I need to grow a monkey tail man. Where’s the head?” That was his way of saying that he wanted to shit in my house. What was I gonna do? I pointed out the most remote bathroom and he went off for about 15 minutes. When he finished he walked right by me and didn’t say a word. I said something like, “Everything come out okay?” and he ignored me.
I watched him walk down the road in the pouring rain until he disappeared. I went to the bathroom he used to make sure he didn’t drizzle shit or piss anywhere and there was a pile of cash on the tank of the toilet. He wrote “thanks” on the toilet in wax pencil or eye liner or I don’t know what.
$173, mostly fives, is what he left. Crazy.
That’s one expensive crap! I think the most I ever paid to crap was a quarter in San Francisco, seems all the fast food places had doors with coin slots on them, apparently to keep out the homeless. Perhaps Knucklehead can confirm this?
Even more proof that I have to live in AL, Jason. Here in CA he woulda shit then charged me $173 for the use of my toilet!
Expensive crap indeed! You think I got in my car and tried to chase him down? I didn’t.
Melissa,
You’d fit right in. We’d probably have to work on your accent and teach you to delude yourself into thinking that crap such as greens and hamhocks are “good”, but I’m sure you’d make it.
Here’s a shitty cell phone picture of his note:
https://www.t-mobilepictures.com/myalbum/photos/photo25/d5/30/9a9b49b4a0ff__1253705470000.jpeg
It sort of feels like this in here today.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQFEY9RIRJA
WB in OH – My sentiments exactly and I’m not saying another word about baby showers.
I just read all the posts from top to bottom and I think….there all lies !
Happy Birthday Gretchen – Mine is today, and I get steak. Really good steak.
A friend of ours has a 13 year old daughter who just got invited to a classmate’s baby shower. That’s right, a 13 year old in middle school is getting a baby shower, thrown by her mom, who wants credit for being “supportive.”
I don’t know if she knows who the father is, but according to our friend’s daughter, the girl was fully developed at 12 and wore low-cut tops and makeup to school everyday.
Thank God I have only boys.
With boys, you only have to worry about one penis – with girls, you have to worry about a million penises.
Happy Birthday Malcolm!
@Jason: Not only do I think greens are “Good”, but I grow them in my garden now! So ha!
Also, I sure hope that “Thanks” wasn’t written in fecal matter…..
Happy Birthday Malcolm. So I guess the million vaginas your boys could stick their one penis in doesn’t matter?
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to Maaaallllllcooollmm…..
Happy Birthday to you!
Ha cha cha cha!
Enjoy your steak! Millions of penises! Oh the huge manatee!
Malcolm – Happy birthday! Enjoy your steak!
Melissa – I though the same thing about the “thanks”.
Dunno Malcolm. I’m with Gretchen. There are many types of vaginas out there, including, but not limited to: the just-plain-stupid, those in denial about getting pregnant, those too shy to make him wear a condom when he thinks he’s gonna get away without one, the devious wanna-be-a-baby-mama, and the its-OK-just-this-once.
Child support is an 18-year lesson in birth control.
(Happy Birthday!)
FYI (For Yall’s Information):
The “thanks” on the toilet appeared to be brown crayon or something like that. Not poop. It was hell to get off.
Brown crayon, ‘eh?
I bet money on the fecal matter……
Brown crayon, feces, same same. You say tuh-mae-toe I say tuh-mah-toe.
Slow day around here. Did the rapture take place?
Poop would have cleaned up easier than crayon!
Farty – if the rapture took place, all the surf report readers would still be here
NDfaninAZ – fine point. Perhaps there’s a huge concert or some submarine races that we’re unaware of.
For shits and giggles – If you’re ever in a bar and some guy walks in wearing a brown leather outfit and says, “Could I interest any of you ladys in a penis?” That’s me.
Shiney Rod…I thought we had a discussion about those VT colors? NO NO NO!!
Jeff….I know you’ve been in the bunker or at the library today, becuse you have some FB posts, so where’s our update? By he way I sent your website to everyone in our class group on FB. Maybe we can add your readers.
AWG….on FB? We have over 400 in our alumni group now. If you’re not you need to be, All kind of good gossip growing there, even a long distance romace in our class and yours!
Happy Birfday dear Maaaallllllcooollmm……..ah, shoobie doobie doo……..SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!
I’m outta here.
Jeezum crow, you don’t come by for the better part of the day and look what you miss!
Happy Birthday, Malcom!
WB – was that fast food joint on Market Street? I’ve never seen that, but it would make sense on Market Street (near 6th) where all the hookers/junkies/meth heads hang.
Man, I’m not gonna stay away that long ever again…
so sorry about melissa losing her pet! One of my cats hasn’t come home for two weeks and I am bugging about it. My pets mean the world to me! gretchen Happy Birthday! I have bad ones and good ones it sucks to have a bad one! Sometimes it seems like no one cares but people are just self centered and forget about other people when it would mean a lot they don’t come through I enjoy other people’s cooking and hope that they cook it under sanitary conditions never got sick from it. I don’t lie too much people can always tell if I’m lying
WVBumblebee – I’m smack dab in the middle of Nort Cacalacky. They ignore those colors because they think it’s Shaw University.
y’all are all just nuts.
Happy birthday to all concerned.
Now playing on the iPod – Daft Punk “Techonologic.”
Shiny…..Ok I’ll let you slide then. If you’re in the middle you must live close to WS, I lived in Kernersville for 16 years.
Jeff,
I bet you already sold the shirt. I get full-blown moronic whenever I try to buy from you, I forget my name, my SSN and my wvsr ID. Wife gave me a free link to get free music, similar to your link. Free shit hates me or something, because I cannot chase those links down even using the Evil E.
Let me know what you have with the bona fide scribbles. I am Old School, and will not change.
GS
Malcolm – Happy birthday! Hope the steak is everything you have hoped for.
Thanks surf reporters!
The steak was awesome (a grass fed NY strip that was actually bought believing it was a rib eye (wrong tray), but fantastic nonetheless).
And ladies (Gretchen & Brynhildr in particular) , what I was getting at is that if I teach my “penises” the correct behavior (wrap that rascal), at least I have done that and can sleep a bit better at night. If you are raising girls, you have to count on dads like me to have done their job, which doesn’t always happen. That’s why I think boys are a relief in the end (not now, in the beginning).
And definitely, the field of play has changed since we were the horny teenagers – the gals are just as aggressive if not more, and that means more and better edumacation sexuale is necessary.
Cheers, everyone, tomorrow I’m off to Mexico on business for a week – will try to check in and comment if possible.
M
Jason, I think that is the most impressively bizarre story I have ever heard. If you live to be 150 you will never be able to top that. What are you going to do with your prize money?
Perhaps the horny teenagers I know/knew were not representative of the way things are outside my little bubble. OK, show of hands please… How many of you, ladies and gents, were taught to always “wrap the rascal” and still, at least once or twice in your life, decided to tempt fate and play Russian Roulette with a member of the opposite sex?
*hand waving madly in the air*
Jeez, I’m cynical and jaded. I will accept that I may be the only fool, though. I came of age early in the AIDS epidemic and the use of condoms was pounded into our heads as a life or death situation, yet ….
(Thank goodness I don’t have children. I would just fuck them up beyond repair.)
@Malcolm: Please stay away from drug cartels, areas outside of tourist resorts and good god do not go walking on your own ANYWHERE. Better yet, stay home & check in to work online! Safer and we won’t have to worry that you’ll become a headline on CNN.
Mexico is a pit and not a fun place to visit, business or otherwise right now.
Good luck to you and do check in!
Brynhildr – Me and fate had a pretty good run and I will leave it at that. I don’t tempt it any more so I can count myself lucky. Been in monogamist relationships ever since and I don’t “stray” from that. Celibate in between contrary to rumor, just not that same wild guy I use to be.
I am a vapor, I am a leaf on the wind, …then, I am gone. Dammit, now I’m officially 51 WTF?
Shiny Rod, let me be the first to wish you a happy birthday…now bend over for the spankins
RNK — Be gentle. Shiny Rod’s old man heart may not be able to take it like he used to.
Shiny you old fuck…I just turned 50 in August.
RNK,
I’m using the prize money to get tattoos. How ever many ladybugs I can get on my penis, that’s what I’m going to do.
Shiny Rod! Happy Birthday! 51 is a good age to have a midlife crisis. That way you’ll live to be 102.
Knucklehead-I have know idea what part of town we were in when we stumbled into that fast food joint. We had been sight seeing all day and drinking all night. But my friend who was in charge would probably have steered us to the seedy section of town to scare the hell out of a couple of hayseeds from Ohio. This would have been in 1991 so the seedy areas may have changed a bit but it’s not like I would remember. We spent a day and a half in frisco and just the one evening. Did manage to have a cute girl sell me a copy of L. Ron Hubbards book Dianetics, I thought she liked me, anyone wants to borrow it they can I never made it past page 3, too many big words.
Jesus McChristmas! Was anyone else born during this week? There must have been a mass power outage 9 months prior – people didn’t have anything better to do than have sex. Speaking of which, Mrs. McAppleass just fired up the shower. I’m going in boys, wish me luck.
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHINY ROD!
Oh yeah happity birfday SR and all the rest I’ve missed!
Me- Born 9/5/1968
Shiny Rod ~ Happy Birthday! The big five-one, eh? Don’t worry. It just gets better!
Happy birthday everyone. There, see y’all next year.
First, I want to thank all the little people who made this all possible, Herve, Verne, Frodo, Sam Wise, sorry guys but Shiny Rod made it to the egg first! Pbbbssstt!!!
All joking aside, I want to thank everyone for the lovely Birthday salutations. Over the past year, I hope I have touched each and every one of you in some special way. Ewwww! That didn’t sound right. We’ve laughed at each other, cried, supported and even bashed a few but we are still family. Thanks Jeff for an outlet for all of our racial and sexual hang ups, drug and alcohol abuses, ex’s, male bashing, female bashing, farting, pooping, puking, snorting and any other damn thing we can find to blog about. As I celebrate 51 years of life, lift a pint of Golden Elixir in honor of the WVSR and the entire list of folk that make this site a happening place. Now, excuse me while I whip this out:
RNK – Bring it on, I haven’t had a good spanking in a long time.
Bryn – Ooh, baby, you are so talented! Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Son Of Sam – O Lord, do we have the strength to carry off this mighty task in one night? Or are we just jerking off?
Jason – Are you crazy? They’ll never go for it. And then again they might. Those little devils… they love cheese!
T. Farty McAppleass – Now what’ll that asshole think of next?
WB in OH – What’s a dazzling suburbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?
Tadpolegal – Happy belated birthday, sorry we missed you. Throw up your hands/Stick out your tush/Hands on your hips/Give ‘em a push/You’ll be surprised, you’re doing the French Mistake/Voila!
Greg – See? In another twenty-five years, I’ll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.
Enraged by their indifference, he followed them long after they were gone from his sight. He ventured further than any of us had gone before, beyond all hope of return. Swept up by the great currents, he was carried endlessly, across vast oceans, to worlds unknown. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a scotch bottle, and I’ve been there ever since. Have fun folks!
I am a vapor, I am a leaf on the wind and then…I am gone.
God that movie makes me laugh. It’s so wrong.
My Life Altering event was when my friend Jack Boston (who turned me on to this website also) gave me my first copy of National Lampoon! I think it was from 1973. It had a fake newspaper inside with the headline”Worlds Greatest Lier Speaks Out”! Underneath that was a picture of Richard Nixon! My father was a big tricky Dick fan so me and Jack put it inside his newspaper that morning and sat back while my father almost had a heart attack! Needless to say; The National Lampoon (my dad called them “them damn poon magazines”!) were banned from the house! I still have that magazine somewhere(minus the Nixon headlines)…..